My 4 year old is being bullied and left out, what can I do?

My 4 year old started pre school a few weeks ago and she is already being treated like an outcast and bullied at school. She tells me that all the kids tell her to go away and that they don’t want to play with her at recess times. She told me she sits on the bench alone because no one wants to be her friend. She said some even tell her to go away. I’m so heartbroken by this as I was bullied as a kid and I’m still traumatized to this day and remember every word said.. I am going to talk to her teacher in the morning but what else can do? Should I look into transferring her into another class or school? Homeschooling? I refuse to watch my daughter go through this. I thought since she is so young that it would be easy for her to make and have friends. But it turns out I’m wrong. These kids are mean and already are in cliques. I just want my daughter to be happy and have friends.. what’s the next best step?
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Seriously consider your daughter’s social skills/abilities. I work in a school and see the sweetest kids play rudely, until the other kids start to be rude by telling the first to go away or other such comments. For example, there’s one boy who is sweet and kind, but doesn’t really know how to play in a group setting and tends to take everything over. The other kids recently had a chance to play his favorite game without him, and when he came they told him it was more fun without him. They weren’t trying to hurt his feelings but rather were astounded at the difference. He complained to me and I explained to him why they felt that way and encouraged him to play an independent group game (i.e., Legos; the kids might share materials, sit together, and collaborate, but they can also sit nearby and play independently or just chat while playing), which is much closer to his social skills level.

Being bully and left out are not the same things. When someone is bullied they are threatened or harassed daily. This can be physical or name calling. I don’t hear any name calling…It looks the kids just don’t want to play with her. At this age there is probably a reason. You need to find it. Is your daughter aggressive/bossy or doesn’t like to share? Normally at this age kids are not mean in the bullying sense but will use their words to let you know to back off. I worked in daycare and pre-k. Usually the kids that didn’t get included where either shy and stayed to their self or over aggressive and spoiled which caused arguments.
I would talk to the teacher but don’t assume your child is the angel. She could very well be doing things that alienate her from groups.
Either way it is a great to know so you can help her with her social skills.
Also if the kids are being jerks and just don’t want to play with her. Teach her that is ok. Make other friends or be comfortable playing alone. Eventually she will make friends but you can’t force kids to play with other kids. Those are not the friends she wants to begin with.
Don’t set her up with expectations that everything is fair and that everyone should accept and play with everyone… cause that is not realistic and will set her up for failure. Instead teach her what a good friend is… that way if she acts that way. Other children will see and want to be her friend as well.
Good luck!
It is hard to watch our children struggle but if we teach them to be strong and confident. Things like this won’t bother them as much.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My 4 year old is being bullied and left out, what can I do?

Transfer I would poor baby kids are so mean these days

The teacher needs to step in

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The teacher needs to be notified.

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Give the school a chance to correct the issue first and if it’s still an issue then you can switch or pull her

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Im sorry nobody should have to go through this. I despise bullying. I’d definitely talk to her teacher and her principal and then go from there

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They must not be supervised closely enough to know that she’s being bullied. I’d be contacting the teachers.

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Talk to the teacher , they have a duty of care ! don’t they have a ‘ buddy system’ there ?

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The teacher needs to be notified

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I’m a huge advocate for homeschooling. Especially when bullying is involved.
That imprint will last a lifetime.

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I’d call them out and then promptly transfer my kid because they must not be monitored to the level I would prefer if they don’t notice a child being left out of activities

Look for a head start that’s run by federal grants I volunteer for ecap/ head start and they are amazing !! This would never happen!! I have three children who attend and never once have I had anything like this happen :pleading_face: praying for your baby and that life gets easier for him

I had my daughter come home and tell me the same thing at 4. I made a trip to the school the next day and come to find out she was the most popular kid in the class but she don’t want to go :rofl: I hope your daughters situation is the same :heart:

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I’m sure the teacher is aware already. Teachers are taught to look for signs and body language. If she isn’t aware then she isn’t a very good teacher. I pray for your baby. No one should be left out or not have friends. Parents need to do a better job raising their children.

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Your poor daughter. That is heart breaking! Sadly, kids will be this way all through school. It is part of the forced socialization of classroom settings. They pack up, form cliques, and turn on each other. Kids let go of their true self to fit in and avoid being outcast. I dealt with it all growing up. I didn’t want it for my kids. We homeschool. This is one of the issues we rarely have to deal with. Maybe at a park or a random activity, but not daily. I am so glad we went this route.

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Sue the parents on behalf of your child and the trauma that he is experiencing. I guarantee you that will stop that $hit…

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Kids are cruel and so are adults

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My son was bullied for having 2 dads the teachers stepped in and told the entire class that two dads are better than 1. I personally didnt like the response of the teacher because that can cause a lot of issues with other parents but after that was said my son had a lot of friends and the other students played well. Next pta meeting that was held covered bullying. And parents gotten a written notice each time their child was being a bully and if it wasnt corrected child was out of pre school. Seems extreme but it nipped the bullying issue in the butt since the parents were held responsible

I’m sorry your daughter is experiencing this kind of treatment that’s sad I would talk to the administrator for your daycare and let them know.

Bake something for the class with teachers permission let your child hand them out

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There will always be bullies no matter what…
Try and stay out of your own childhood experiences…talk to the teacher…I believe every school should have a kindness bench for those feeling left out or having a bad day other kids can recognize it…start teaching your child kindness and turning the other cheek.
Some kids are acting out what they see and hear at home,
Makes it hard on kids with kind hearts…
Bullying sucks.

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I am a preschool teacher and this breaks my heart…I didn’t allow bullying in my class…if I were you talk to the teacher like you have planned…if the teacher doesn’t do anything then go to the director/principal. Also, if you are able to I would go volunteer a few times in her class for some reason at that age it always seems to help. However, if the teacher doesn’t do anything and neither does the principal that means they are turning a blind eye and don’t want to deal with it and I would go to the school board and the media and threaten legal action.

Teach her to stand for herself and be firm.she can only fight her battles her ways

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Thz shyt makes me so dam mad!!!:angry:

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Don’t let the school brush it off.

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Oh that is so sad, definitely tell the teacher and if it doesn’t improve I’d remove her. I still remember every cruel word said to me as a small child

There is a child like this in my daughter’s classroom. She sits next to my daughter and no one likes her because she is always unkempt, they call her stinky and dirty. :frowning: It’s sad how mean some kids are.

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Homeschooling, yes! I homeschool and swear it’s the best decision I have made :black_heart:

I’d be marching to the school absolutely livid. Teachers shouldn’t be letting that type of behavior happen in school. If it continued, I’d most definitely pull my son from school.

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My daughter went through this at her last school. Talked to the teachers and they told me they cant make the kids play with her and blew me off. Then they told me bc shes taller than the kids in her class she tends to intimidate them…nothing to change anything. She would come home crying constantly and begging me not to go. Fast forward and shes in a whole new school district this year and absolutely loves it and has made tons of friends and can’t wait to go. Maybe if possible check into a different school it could make a world of difference :slight_smile:

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Id be going right to that school and addressing it. If the school dont do anything then id go to the parents. Why pull your 4 yr old out of school because other people dont want to correct their kids. They are 4 still babies , still learning they need that interaction with other people

Why is your baby being bullied that is a major cause for concern do not take her out of school and into another unless you know why these kids are bullying your baby consult with her teacher and the other parents

My son was bullied bad in elementary school it took his doctor to get with the principal due to my son telli him he wants to die. Its sad what kids do too others I hope your daughter finds lots of friends. My son is now happy and in middle school loys of friends and his big sister to help too

Homeschool !!! Reading this makes me SO GLAD I invested and did everything to homeschool my 4 year old , 9 and 6 year olds

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This happened to my son and daughter . It was only one kid that did it thank god. Turned out the kid was just a brat. Honestly I would take it to the teacher and if nothing is done. My next step was going to this kids mom. I’m not above ripping someone out of their car. But I agree it is so sad the way these kids are these days! Kids are so cruel. I’m sorry for your daughter

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A couple years ago my son didn’t have any friends or anyone to play with.
Turns out he was absolutely insisting that they play pj masks every single recess. Insisted on it. Would not play anything else…So the kids stopped playing with him because they wanted to play something else. And there for a bit, wouldn’t let him play with them because he kept trying to take over.
Initially he told me no one wanted to play with him.
I questioned him about it without leading him and that was the story that came out.
Another incident…my son had gotten up and dumped his tray (there’s no assigned seats in the cafeteria) and another kid had sat down where he was. My son tried to squeeze his way back to that particular spot and fell because he didn’t fit. He tried to tell me he was pushed. In his mind…he was. But I questioned him again without leading him…because I wanted the whole story before I went to the school…and again the story that came out was more complex. I had to explain that no he wasn’t actually pushed.
I’ve had both kids tell me that the other one said something like “insert name said I can’t play” that’s totally not what he said but that’s how the other one interpreted it.

So the first things I would do…
First take a step back and put your feelings about being bullied on pause for a minute. Ask your child additional questions without leading her (hugely important detail there). It may be a little more complex than you’re thinking.
Talk to the teacher. Get an idea of what’s going on from a neutral perspective…And explain your concerns.

Then give it another couple weeks. Kids are fickle when it comes to friendships.
My oldest (8 btw) and his bestie were fighting and not friends anymore…it lasted 3 hours 🤷

Sometimes the best thing we can do is offer advice and support and give them some extra time to figure things out.
You don’t want to teach her to run away Everytime things are uncomfortable.

If she’s still having such a hard time in a couple weeks talk to the teacher again.
Then go from there. Then look at changing rooms or schools.
But give it some time.

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This is so hard and I understand! My son moved to a new preschool and it took some time for him to get comfortable. All kids struggle with new situations - including how to accept a new friend in the class, especially if they have been with the same group of kids since infanthood. Don’t ignore it, address it. It’s important to talk to her teachers now so they are more aware on all sides and can help teach positive interactions. Be persistent if you need to because only you will advocate for your little one - and they are still so little at 4. Hang in there!

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Poor baby, little kids suck…if my daughter saw her, she’d run up to her and ask to play.

This breaks my mama heart! Poor girl. I can’t believe the teachers are allowing this to happen

I know my daughter said the same thing. When I called her teacher she was surprised. My daughter was far from an outcast she is always surrounded by other kids wanting to play with her. My daughter felt like no one liked her but clearly they all did. I hope this isn’t true. But if it is I hope the teacher has some ideas

How long has she been there? Sometimes it takes a little while for kids to warm up, especially with kids that have started there alot later then the others, teachers can’t force kids to be friends, but they can encourage other kids with same interests to do things with her, or you could invite the kids around for a fun playdate at your house, see if that helps, if nothing changes and shes still being left out, I would change pre schools for sure.

My 4 year old son just started tk this year and he has beautiful long hair that we have never cut and that he does not want to cut. I was so worried he would be bullied. 1 week in he started crying and screaming before starting school and said that the bigger kids were being mean to him. I raised hell with the school. I called and emailed the principal. I emailed the teacher, we spoke to the teacher about it. I think the principal took care of it because there haven’t been any other issues since then but don’t be afraid to speak up and let them have it. It’s the schools job to make sure our children are safe and feel protected at school. We are our children’s advocates.

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Talk to the teacher 1st. Make sure there isn’t an issue on your daughters end first and then maybe the teacher can help guide the kids to play together and be inclusive

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Make sure you have the full story first. Seriously. It could be your kids doing on why they dont want to play with her. She could be wanting to play something else and they didnt want to play that with her. Kids over play things in their heads. Seriously, just get the full picture first.

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Speak with the teacher/principal. This happened to my high school child. I went to the teacher and let them know I would be pressing charges or harassment and terroristic threats if it didn’t stop.

Ask the teacher to have a new student welcome party. Bring treats and maybe a new board game or recess toys for the class so a new student is seen as a new opportunity to play, not a stranger. Maybe she could gift every classmate a trinket or party favor to bring home. You could add a note with your contact info for play dates. Teacher could also assign 2-3 students a day to be playground friends if he or she has classroom jobs. Those friends are on the lookout for lonely kiddos to play with or do sidewalk chalk.

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I loved homeschooling my child.

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Kids are mean. I tell my kids not everyone has to be your friend and that’s ok it their loss. As my kids don’t necessarily want to be friends with every kid their age and that’s ok too.

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That is so wrong and sad !!

Talk to her teachers & the head of the school.
If they don’t address it, remove her.
We started homeschoolimg & omg I loved it.
Every state is different but NC is super homeschool friendly & every county has a group that holds get togethers. :heart:

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Definitely talk to the teachers immediately! My husband had to go to drop off with my son and he’s super good with kids - and he found my son his first buddy - and they’re still good buds 3 years later! (This happened when he transitioned into public school kindergarten from a private little church preschool where everybody was so kind and nice to each other.)
If the teachers can’t fix this issue then I would consider changing schools.

Sounds like the teacher could take the opportunity to teach give a lesson about basic kindness.

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Thats so weird that preschool is like that! I would definitely talk to the teacher. Maybe you could see if you could volunteer with the class so you could see?

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Get the teacher to pair them up in class as buddies to do stuff together so she gets included then the teacher could explain about being kind to each other

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I’m not saying this is a solution to anything but last year my daughter was in a public school (4th grade) And these two boys would consistently bully her… They also lived in our neighborhood as well about three houses down from us. She could never escape it. It got so bad that we had to sell our house and move out of the neighborhood and we put her in a Christian school. She absolutely loves it and has made so many friends in the last couple of weeks

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Definitely ask the teacher but do remember she could be causing it if she’s being mean and nasty first ? Not saying she is but as a mom I know when I’m not around my kids are easily influenced and may say or do things out of character

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Honestly with the current situation in this pandemic and given her situation I would homeschool. She would get more out of it and she could rise according to her comprehension of the subject. I was also bullied by students and teachers. Pray about it. It will definitely effect her mental health. God bless.

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Let me explain something kids are ruthless these days. Talk too the teacher see what can be done or what’s going on their are two sides to every story us as parent don’t want to think our child is bulling another but something’s that’s the case too. Listen to the teacher figure something out together teachers really like when a parent can resolve something too.
My son started last week he’s autism he made two new friends first day.
I started my final school in 2nd grade took me till 6th too make friends their cause I’d stand off maybe you’re daughter may be standing off as well or maybe the kids are just figuring her out if she’s newer

Kids are definitely mean… I work at a preschool and whenever I see a kid left out I always find a way to interact with them… shortly after the kids see us playing Frisbee or I spy they ask to join in and I find a way to step aside so they can play but stay close by just in case… I’d talk to the teachers to see if they’ve noticed and maybe make a plan to get your child and other children to interact with each other…

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My son is 4 and just started preschool a week and a half ago. And in his class, there are enough adults around that at least 1 of them would notice if this was happening. And if they didn’t, then they aren’t watching the children closely enough. I definitely would be having a meeting with whatever teachers/aids supervising the class. They really should have noticed by now. The teacher should then try to correct the kids’ behavior in, and if that doesn’t work, there needs to be a meeting with you, the teacher, principal, and their parents. If none of that works, I would transfer her.

Talk to her teacher. I’m a pre-k teacher and we have ways of dealing with issues like this. If nothing comes of talking to the teacher, don’t hesitate to put her in a different school.

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I would talk to the teachers. Pulling from school to homeschool is going to teach her to hide behind her problems, talk to her teacher with her present, let her help explain what’s going on. Let her be an active role is getting herself some help

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I have this same issue just simply taking my 5 year old to the park. It hurts, a lot. :pensive: it helps a little to know that she doesn’t understand but one day she will and what then?

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Some time schools need volunteers maybe you could ask the school if you can volunteer sometimes so you can see what’s going on

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Definitely move schools or classes. Children who treat other children this way are not someone you want your child around. They are not supervised and or the parent doesn’t see this as an issue and never teach the child that this behavior is not okay, eventually the bully teaches others to bully. My daughter had a friend she saw all the time and then when her friend had another friend over at the same time the friend who’s not my daughters friend was not kind to my daughter at all. Every time they fought over a toy she would kick or hit my daughter, she would speak very rudely to my daughter and also try to pull my daughters friend away and isolate her from my daughter. The kids are never supervised unless I’m there with them and I always have to step in and play mediator.

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My 6 year old got jumped by some older kids a few weeks ago in our apartments so now she is in jujitsu 5 days a week so she doesn’t get bored and want to go play with them cause they said “sorry” next time I’m pressing charges tho

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So sorry your little girl is experiencing this. Can you talk with the teacher/s and also include the head of school in the meeting too? (They aren’t always aware of issues raised by parents to class teachers). Have a meeting with them and talk through their plan of action and also suggest a “buddy system” if they haven’t got one in place right now.
Give it a week or so. Hopefully things will get better. And they’ll all start playing with each other.
Maybe do some play dates too? Invite on a one to one play basis first, your daughter and one other child. Maybe a picnic in the garden with colouring chalks on your outside house walls/outside floors… Make and do afternoon if the weathers a bit poor with home made pizzas that they can make and decorate together? Movie afternoon at home with snack boxes and fairy lights. If you can do something like this, play dates with each of the kiddos individually with your daughter and then maybe extend it out to a “parents and tots” day at the local park with a pot luck picnic? Get to know the parents too?
Don’t give up hope, you are so far doing such a great job. Keep going Mama. It is hard, but you got this. It’ll all turn out ok in the end. Kiddos sometimes just need a little nudge in the right direction and shown kindness themselves, they’ll all get there. Hang in there Mommy! :heart:

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Yeah I’d figure something out, I’ve already went off on my kids school cause he was telling me this similar situation as you , then some kid started head butting him after going down the slide just a few days later. uh I’m sorry not happening with my kids gmfu. He has been good since I went in there nothing else has happened again yet anyways . he is only in kindergarten

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After talking to the teacher I would take her put until I have made my decision! Why should she go through any more!

Bullying impacted me so severely, if talking to the teacher doesn’t work PLEASE transfer schools.

Let’s all keep in mind that these are pre schoolers. They are still learning about feelings and how to treat people. I would talk with the teacher and maybe she can do something with the whole class in regards to being kind and how sometimes their words can hurt someone’s feelings. Maybe some of these kids aren’t being taught that at home.

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First, I would definitely email her teacher and ask her if that’s going on. I’ve always dug into whatever my child is saying about whoever at school or whatever. Second, she shouldn’t take anyone’s shit. Yes, she’s 4, but you need to teach her to defend herself and not take it. I tell both of my kids that if they think they’re being bullied, then they can say whatever they want back to said bully, if the bully touches them, they can punch said bully. Etc.

Next step is to bring it up to the teacher and see if it’s addressed, if it isn’t then transferring may be a better option if it’s available to you.

That is heart breaking, I’m so sad for her, can you talk to the mothers? I was a nursery school teacher and my youngest brother was in that nursery when I was teaching, another mother expressed concern that her son never got included to the birthday parties so I set up a play date with my brother and this boy so they could bond so he would feel more excepted, talk to the parents without anger or resentment towards there kids but mother to mother and see what happens, I hope she gets accepted soon :heart:

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I’m a preschool teacher the most honest kids sometimes do go home and tell there parents things like that but it’s not always the truth. Or it’s over exaggerated too and it’s gonna also depend how you react to things. Im not saying the child is a liar, I’m saying look at different points also. Either way u need to talk to the teacher and be communicating regularly and if it continues or u don’t think the teacher is being honest then maybe she does need to be transferred. I’ve had children that other kids don’t want to play with but I also taught them we take care of each other and love each other so eventually they chilled out with each other.

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She is barely in Preschool so I would definitely transfer her to a different school and give her another opportunity to start fresh in a more nurturing environment and make new friends but do talk to the teacher before you pull her out to figure out what is going on and make sure those kids learn about bullying and how bad it is.

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I would talk to the teacher first, give it a day or two. Then if nothing is done I would go speak with the principal. I had this happen years ago with my oldest. He absolutely loved 4K and then 5K he started getting bullied by this one little boy and hated going to school. I first talked with the teacher, nothing was done on her part after a couple of days, so then I went and spoke with the principal. That’s when things changed.

Talk to teacher, but I would go to the school with an awsome lunch, have it with her, instantly kids wanted to come and see what the surprise was. From there we went and played on the play ground, made it that fun the kids wanted a piece of the action. Kids asked me to play, I told them to ask my kids as I was their mother. Of corse my kids said yes then the rest was history

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Why are they bullying her, you already know this answer. Have the teacher to educate the class on why your daughter is different. They are bullying because they don’t know how to deal with her.

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Try volunteering. This will give you a bird’s eye view.

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That is just heart wrenching, yes see if she can be moved rite away, I’m sorry to that baby. Amazing at that tender age there’s cruel, amazing

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If you live in a small town chances are everyone knows everyone. My kindergartner played soccer since she was 3 so she’s already got her bffs. Kids don’t understand their being mean. They don’t have the mind set that they can have more friends. Just be patient they’ll eventually come around. But that being said I’ve also told my kids that if they didn’t like someone they didn’t have to play with them. Their not allowed to be mean but I’m not going to force relationships with ppl my kids don’t like

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I’m so sorry momma, this is every parents worst nightmare… our child hurting… ( I agree get w the teacher so she can address it right then and there) get your baby in some sports… This will allow her to be around other children and so she knows all kids aren’t mean. Setup some play dates in your neighborhood…

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Honestly talk to the teacher. My son is 4 and says the same thing but I go to school with him and this is not the actual case

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This hurts me!!:sob::sob: my friends little 5 year old girl was bullied do bad in kindergarten that her mom changed her school :sob::sob::sob: i think all the bullies parents should be called up to the school to see why their children are mean little jerks!

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Get involved at her school. Become friends with kids in her class and incourage play dates with classmates.

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Speak to the Teacher
Social Worker
And Lastly the Principal!!!
Good Luck :four_leaf_clover:

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Is she? Talk to the teacher. And the only reason I say so is my friends daughter said the same thing. But the teacher said different. So my friend watched the playground from a distance and her daughter was playing with lots of kids. But if one said something to her, she got mad and went and sat alone. Then said no one liked her. So it may be that it is just one or two kids she is having issues with. A different class might work. Or even better, see if they will let you send treats to school. Shared treats work wonders.

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Switch her school as soon as you can.

I purposely kept my daughter home over the break due to me being in an accident and suffering a concussion. The preschool I was sending her too for the breaks was not all inclusive and she was the only black child there. Though majority were Hispanic, we are Puerto Rican as well, they were more mestizo/mixed/European. My 5 year old came home one day and said “my skin is the only one that’s brown everyone else is white” :broken_heart:

She Pointed out the other kids were saying it to her, that she was playing alone and she has only 1 friend. One of the kids were calling her dumb and stupid. Smfh though they worked with me and got her in fast, I just stayed home with her. I’ll be damned if my child is being made an outcast AND dealing with racism as well at 5 years old.

Nope see this amongst other things is why my daughter will be homeschooled! Parents aren’t teaching their kids basic respect anymore and the schools don’t give a crap they can’t have their eyes one every student all the time!! My niece went through the same thing and my sister had to take me off the visitor’s list bc I told her next time call me and I was coming to raise hell bc we had talked to the teacher, the principal, and nothing was ever done

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Obviously you’re sensitive to bullying because you were bullied.
All kids can be territorial of their friends/games etc and they could very well have formed play groups already…but after a few weeks you’d think she would be making friends
First stop has to be the teacher and watch the playground without her seeing if you can
If you see shes alone all the time…yes id be tempted to move her.

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My 4 yo girl just started pre-k this year also, and this just broke my heart!
The first thing I did was to give her a sit down talk about allowing any bullying to herself or classmates and to tell the teacher! I was bullied in middle school, and yes it sticks in your brain for life! I hope you figure something out bc this is not healthy for her in the future :heartpulse:

Happened with my daughter as well when she started school. I asked the teacher to help her make friends. The teacher was great and came up with an idea to help her but also not single her out. She assigned all the children with 2 buddies to play with during recess, buddies changed everyday. This way the children had to get out of their cliques and meet new friends. It actually worked really well and just the first week she had 3 playdates after school with new friends. No problems since. I hope you reach out to the teacher and give them a chance to help. Wish you and your child all the best :heart:

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Talk to the teacher. But also put her in activities if you can. Sports, dance, gymnastics etc. She can make friends and build her confidence.

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Send her to school with a treat for the class. This worked for a friend of mine

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Teachers are supposed to actively dissuade this type of behavior. My three kids have never been in a school where this was acceptable behavior on anyone’s part. I would definitely look into changing schools, with more attentive and compassionate teacheds who understand their influence on the children and their role to be a positive role model. If you cant find somewhere i would bring it up to the management. I think homeschool would be last option because it doesnt provide social engagement, but it isnt a terrible idea if the engagement is going to traumatize her.

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I think I would try to find out the recess time and go watch from a distance. If you do notice what she is saying then I would talk to the teacher. That way you have seen it with your own eyes for the teacher can’t really say it’s not true. She as