My 9 year old son is driving me insane and I feel so alone in this

His behaviour in the last year has changed dramatically and his attitude towards me is absolutely disgusting. I need to know if other mums are also dealing with this, or is it me doing something wrong as a mother? He doesn’t listen to me at all, he’s disrespectful, he shouts at me, throws things around and always talks back, he even calls me names (stupid, idiot etc) I’m exhausted. Nothing makes him happy, he’s always so moody and grumpy, a simple “do you want some food?” will set him off and make him scream at me “oh for gods sake, how many times do I have to say I’m not hungry?! You’re such an annoying mum”
I understand he is going through changes, puberty, his hormones are all over the place, but how do I approach this? What can I do? I’ve tried being gentle and kind and that really doesn’t work, I’ve also tried taking technology away for consequences to his actions and that just turns into a never ending argument. He seems to be happy when he gets new toys or sweets though! But that lasts minutes.
We used to be best friends, we’d talk, laugh, cuddle and do so much together and in the last year I feel like I’ve lost him, he tells me he hates me all the time and I’m trying so hard to understand him and be a good parent. I just don’t know what else to do, I feel like a terrible mother and I constantly feel like my patenting is just wrong. I can’t even ask him to go out to the shop with me because he’s so damn lazy and that turns into an argument too - “you’re always making me do things, just leave me alone”
If I ask him to help me around the house then he “hates his life” when I say its bed time “you can’t tell me what to do”
This is just getting worse and has recently become public, I picked him up from school and literally just asked if he had a good day, he just said “stop asking stupid questions, it’s the same answer everyday”
Everything I do makes me so angry, I’m losing my mind trying to fight back and earn some respect. Please tell me its not just me and PLEASE give me some advice, something that actually works, I need my happy baby back and I’m desperate to have a relationship with him, I want him to talk to me about his feelings and I want him to know I am here for him but I cannot tolerate his behaviour anymore

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My 9 year old son is driving me insane and I feel so alone in this

I was like this with my mom. I felt really bad this for yrs. Im 43 now. I have psych probs/dr now and i think i DID THEN too she just wasnt really experienced with that. Im not blaming her or anything. I feel like if i would have seen a psych dr yrs ago i/life would be alot more normal now tho. I really hated my moms voice back then but kids dont know why tho, they dunno whats happening to them. Is just MY experience. Ask the gen dr ur child sees for advice too.

Sounds like he needs a spanking. He knows he can say and do what he wants and get away with it.

Could be adhd. Some children have to be loved differently. It’s also possible that he had something happen that caused this change. I’d suggest therapy. As moms, we want to talk and be the ones to help our children, but sometimes they need to vent to a counselor. Often times, we hurt the ones closest to us when something is wrong. It’s not going to be easy. But you’ve got this. Good luck momma.

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If he wants to behave this way, change the way you behave as well. Be more strict with him. Take away his things and DO NOT give them back until he changes his behavior. Let him be angry and upset, don’t even try to change the way he reacts - just step up as the mother and take control. Tell him how he’s making you feel. Tell him if he can’t learn to be respectful and appreciate you, you will start changing his lifestyle. You are in charge. Stop spoiling and babying the kid and make him take responsibility of his actions and the way he treats you. Do not let him get away with it. Don’t feel bad about punishing him, correct this now before he grows up disrespectful towards authority. Be stern about your punishments, don’t take his stuff away and then allow him to talk you into giving it back before the punishment is over. Even if he is behaving better. If he wants all the nice things he has in life, he has to earn them. Phone. Games. Tv. Even snacks and sweets. Until he behaves better, those items are a privilege not a necessity. Make his butt sit on the couch and do NOTHING until he learns how to treat you. I bet that attitude shapes right up.

My daughter is exactly the same way. She’s 9 as well. She has ADHD. She does all of that and steals food that doesn’t belong to her as well. I’m currently at a loss as to how exactly to handle it tbh. The disrespect is so high it’s hard to follow rules and suggestions from a family counselor. Because there’s always the, “well if i dont address this now she’ll think she can get away with it.” But her dad is also hot-headed and automatically jumps on the punish train and neither of our ways seems to be working well.

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Try turning the table around yell at him in the same tone he uses. We did it to my younger brother and it worked. My brother has an allergy to red food dye other wise known as ADHD

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I’d suggest therapy for him maybe even both of you. Sounds like he’s struggling and you are the safest target to lash out at.

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i go through this every day with my 14 year old daughter you are not alone

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Shame this is so sad hey try to get counseling for u both, pray be steadfast dont give up it’s not easy

You need a therapist for him. Hate is such a strong word , your patience has been nothing short of amazing . Get him resources ASAP !

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Child needs to be handle sternly for example speak in a stern voice to him…
Since u are taking away devices from him an it isnt helping
a little spanking if possible nothing harsh …
Suggest counseling for u both…
U need to put ur foot down show him u are the mother an father in the house …
Speak to him one on one an ask him if something is bothering him that he would like to talk it out…
We love our kids in the most way possible but DISCIPLINE IS DISCIPLINE …
but u lay the Rules as u see fit do not let him control u …

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Mother of four here, one with mental health issues. Your son is not exhibiting normal puberty behavior. There is something else going on - either an anxiety disorder (in children anxiety can manifest as extreme irritability) or bipolar illness. Take him to a child psychiatrist. It will make his life much easier.

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I’d talk to a dr. It reminds me of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. (ODD) is basically a defiance to authority figures. My ex’s daughter has it and it definitely caused a stressful home life.

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The book “The Explosive Child” is a life saver for parents with kids who normal discipline isnt working well and to help both get to the root of the problem, connect on a much better level and together, problem solve to come up with collaberative solutions.

They do have a shift at age 9… but you should probably be seeking professional help…instead of internet opinions.

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If this behaviour has been getting gradually worse over the years then yes id say some form of therapy and diagnosis is required .
If this is sudden behaviour changes then something has happened to change him and a quiet private talk is required to find out what and how you can help if he will let you. Sometimes it takes time before they admit they’ve been bullied
Its not normal puberty behaviour …
Until he can be seen and assessed…you are the adult. You set the rules. You decide the punishment
Of course you must show love…but discipline is part of that love. Strict daily timetable with limited screen time
Speak to his teacher…ask if his behaviour has changed in school…has his circle of friends changed

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You need to sit him down and have a big talk.
The biggest thing I tried to get through to my kids during this kind of thing was that. Hey, ummm No.
This is not how we’re going to be to one another.

I guess I’m different than people nowadays … and I loved my son more than life … and I never expected much from him
EXCEPT … RESPECT …!!! If he disrespected me … at any age … there were consequences ( then and now) …!! They will say and do whatever they think they can get away with … if there are no consequences for bad behaviour … then what’s the point behaving …?? He will find it out as he gets older and has to deal with “life” . Even as an adult … if he does something wrong … he will be punished … better for you to teach him now than wait and let life knock him down and “whip” him …!!!

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That isn’t normal behavior. He needs therapy and for his counselors to know what is happening

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Are there any big changes going on in your lives? Big move, new person in your life, someone left etc? My eldest is 7 and she has days where she is having horrible days but it turns out she just really misses her Dad and doesn’t know how to express her sadness. He left in the middle of the night and see them maybe once a week. Its rough on her.

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All I can say is buckle up, it’s going to get a lot worse before it starts to get better. Also realize it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your parenting. You will get through this, remember to be kind to yourself through this journey.

It’s not you momma. He’s most likely depressed. Possibly being bullied. My son is like this. He tells me he feels like everyone tells him what to do. He can’t decide anything for himself. I try to explain I tell him what to do for his own good. He’s also bullied really bad by adults. I’m working on moving & he’s in counseling. My oldest was the same way. It’s a control thing. He’s 21 & doing great now.

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That I find is a very common problem with parents and their children these days. They are coddled far too much from the time they are babies. You mentioned you want your baby back, you see he hasn’t been a baby for many years. That again is the problem. That’s all I hear from parents over and over again. They don’t teach them respect and it eventually turns on them. You certainly have your work cut out for you, your going to have to undue a lot of learned behaviour, and the more you give in to him the worse it’s going to get. My heart goes out to you, I wish you all the best!

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Talk to his doctor/therapist. Some bad days are to be expected but this sounds way too often. I definitely draw the line of any kind of physical abuse from anyone, let alone your child. Wishing you all the patience in the world… best of luck! :blue_heart:

My son did the same thing, she he WAS disciplined, ( contrary to what some people believe) and he was diagnosed with ODD. He got so bad in the store one night and we left and took him to the ER,I didn’t know what else to do, and they made me send him to an inpatient for 3 days where he was diagnosed with ODD. The thing with my son is though, ODD usually doesn’t go away, and my son was later diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and his behavior changed dramatically. There are many things that can cause behavioral changes… Yes, medical issues too, they even looked into a brain tumor with my son.

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Take him to be assesed. It may be a symptom of something.
Its best to do this while he is young so he can get the right help if necesasry.

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Maybe counseling and have him tested for oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

Sounds like he is having some authority defiant issues … I would talk to a child counselor and also you didn’t say what your circumstances are wether your a single mom etc a lot of children’s behavior has to do with their circumstances. Hopefully it’s get better for y’all …

This is not normal for a 9 year old. As something happened? Where is his dad. Also could he be vaping? My son acted like this before we realized what he was doing

Looks like hes a copycat, you know? Kids do what they see, what they hear. Idk…

Does he have any consequences to these actions? Grounding? Taking things away? Have you tried sitting him down and having a discussion with him about what’s wrong? Maybe something like bullying in school? Or maybe he’s overwhelmed and feels unheard. If none of that works, maybe some therapy?

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My daughter did the same thing. After some testing she was diagnosed with depression. Once pub anti depressants and with counseling she was her old self. Males tend to get very angry with depression. With everything that has happened since COVID has changed the world it is no wonder that everyone is more depressed especially kids.

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I am just old fashioned and was reared “old school”, but when my son acted like this, he found out the meaning of “going to the woodshed”. There is no way in the world that I am going to take a child talking to me like that! My son is ten and if he cannot respect me, then he will find out how bad life really is. I work, pay a house note, car note, utilities, and I do it by myself. He usually gets things he wants, he HAS everything he NEEDS, and I am always “there” for him! He doesn’t have to like me, but by gosh, he WILL respect me. On another note, I know all the ADD, ADHD, OCD, and whatever new acronym people have identified, do exist. Sometimes parents, especially single parents, need to PARENT their children and not worry about being a FRIEND to their children.

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A quick back hand for the nasty things that come out of his mouth would work wonders mama :woman_shrugging:

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If any of my kids ever spoke to me like that I’d knock them the hell out. No “gentle” parenting bullshit ever happened here. And guess what. They all made it to adulthood, are respectful citizens and they respect their mama too

You need to take a belt to his ass it will learn him some self respect

He needs to be evaluated and don’t hit him! Kids with problems like OCD, ODD and ADHD are depressed, frustrated and don’t have coping mechanisms. When you hit you’re hurting them on top of the frustration and hurt they already feel. If he needs meds he’ll probably be a completely different person. Good Luck to you

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Assessment I think would be best x

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Get him some counseling maybe something happened to him he does not want to tell you might be other kids he’s hanging with

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Im no dr just a mom but i think we can all agree the last year and a half has been very difficult for our children and perhaps thats playing a role in his behavior

Remember to breathe. They are a reflection. You are feeling alone, so is he. You are feeling angry, so is he. He is navigating coming into the next chapter and that’s tough to process so he will push the boundary. You’re not doing anything wrong by holding your ground and not approving of bad behavior. Bad behavior and decisions have consequences. Remember to breathe. Talk low and slow. Don’t give into the emotion while disciplining. Talk cool calm and collected when he misbehaves so it’s about your words not your anger. He is still so young so helping him express an alternative choice he could make or what his words mean are important. Keep the teaching on the forefront and you will also feel better. And once a week do a mommy and me date sort of thing. Doesn’t have to be major just doing something you both enjoy together. It’s making an attempt to get back on his level outside of the problems happening so that he can open up and tell you what’s going on inside. He loves you. Keep your chin up, a million mamas asking themselves the same thing.

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I was told by a neurologist that the brain goes through a very big change around the age of 9. It could possibly be this.

Is he worried about anything . Ask him tell him that you’ll love him nomatter what . He could be going through some sexuallity issues .

Stop buying what he wants when he wants start busting his butt slap him across the mouth a few times and make a believer out of him there is no child on this earth would treat me that way you are his parent not his friend so learn to show him that or do you want to go see him behind bars I’m sorry but you can’t baby him stop fixing his food for him don’t wash his clothes or clean after him making him do it will make a big change parents need to be parents not friends

Please don’t listen to these people advising you to abuse your child. Hitting is never the answer. If he is treating you badly, it’s because he feels badly.

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I would get him checked out and therapy.

Definitely an assessment at the doctors office. Explain the behaviors. And they can point you to the mental health professionals. This can change your life! I highly suggest it.

That is the age where children need there private time. All they want to do is be in there rooms. Mine ran away cause he didn’t want to do chores. Had the whole city police department looking for him. It is just a phase. Be consistent and keep your boundaries. Allowing him choices may help as well. If he doesn’t make a choice then you decide for him.

Get an assessment asap. Start counseling as well

Yeah, he needs to see a therapist and a doctor