My boyfriend got defensive about a female his family invited out: Thoughts?

So a little back story, my boyfriend is 16 years older than I and we have a child together. So his family member invites us out to do something with all the kids, we go, and we all have fun. Well, his family member brings a newly single female along. My boyfriend mentions something about her I ask when he and his family member ever talked about her; he says they never have. My boyfriend then says something about how she used to work at a restaurant we go to frequently. I ask how he would know as I’ve never seen her. Then I ask if his family member told him, he says yes. Well, okay, now we’re back to when did you and your family member talk about her? He gets defensive and begins yelling, saying I’m accusing him of something. Which I’m not; I’m just trying to figure out the whole story here as I feel it doesn’t quite add up. I told him the fact that he’s getting so defensive over a female he claims to not know is pretty suspect. He says I’m always accusing him of something or looking to fight. All of this after we both agreed to talk through things more so I would stop overthinking and so he would stop keeping things bottled up. How would you react in this situation? Do you feel I was somehow in the wrong?

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fallow your gut. my husband gets that way when he is not telling the full truth.

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As you mentioned, you overthink things, it sounds like you are cross-examining him and when he offers you more information it’s another cross-examination, if I were him I would dread mentioning anything as it might lead to 20 questions. If you suspect something ask it and if he says no, let it go. It sounds exhausting and annoying, he probably keeps things bottled up because it’s going to turn into a cross-examination which leads to a question then an answer that leads to another question, just let it go.

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I agree that it’s weird he’s getting defensive just off of simple questions. I’m someone that hates being questioned but you weren’t even asking anything invasive for him to get like that. I’m leaning towards he knows her (ex, a hookup, old friend etc.) :thinking:

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Yup, definitely lying!

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Sounds like you’re a bit whacko. You said somebody else invited this girl and then you essentially attacked your boyfriend about her being there by questioning him and you don’t make it seem like he did anything shady

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Why does it matter tho?

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He didn’t invite her out his family did and you were also invited to so there wasn’t anything shady going on and maybe he was just trying to down play the situation bc like u said u overthink things sometimes…unless u have proof that him and this woman had a history together or find out something is going on now I wouldn’t be to concerned right now but that’s my opinion and you do what you feel is right for you. Hope everything works out for yall!

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Mmmmm just something isn’t right yup he’s hiding something

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You sound like a narcissist.

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Its not a big deal…atleast I wouldn’t make a big deal of it … im just curious …why did the inlaws invite her anyway …andvhow do they know her …

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Girl…She is a ‘friend of the family’ aka EX girlfriend…
He’s gaslighting you…

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Definitely sounds strange

Red flag, hes acting that way for a reason

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You are a freaking wacko and he should dump you yesterday

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Let it go Fr unless you have proof of something it would be different he didn’t invite the person his family did sounds like your just making your own problems yea it’s a little strange him acting like he is but just let it go for now unless you find some kinds proof or evidence of him doing something or lying about something about her

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I myself get mad when I feel like im being accused. And I would probably say the same thing (there was no convo) if i felt like a unnecessary fight was coming on

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If someone asked me the same question that I already answered. I’m gonna assume I’m being accused of something. Be more secure in yourself. And the answer will come to light.

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Women’s intuition is ALWAYS on point. If it doesn’t make sense it isn’t true. I will stand by this any day.

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Sounds to me like you want it to be something…

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You’re making something out of nothing sounds like :roll_eyes:

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Why not ask the girl? It’s a friendly conversation. Hi my name is blah blah! Where do you know blah blah from. Well I am dating/engaged to blah blah. We have child together. Do you have nay children? I work at blah blah. Do you work. Seems like a basic conversation to stop the over thinking and if he gets upset you are talking ro her definitely start asking him questions.

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Was he acting inappropriately towards her during this outing? If not then I think you’re over thinking things and over reacting. Just because she’s single doesn’t mean there’s anything going on between her and your man and if you were constantly asking me the same question over and over I’d blow up on you like that too…

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You’re overthinking and nit-picking.

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Trust your gut, and not these women who have a low bar set for male behavior and “play me” written on their forehead.

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His family invited some random single chick out with you and him? I don’t get it

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This is not someone he dated…this isn’t someones name that has come up often…this is someone that another person invited…maybe because she is newly single…depressed and needed to get out…and maybe the friend did tell your BF about her … people do that… but maybe you aren’t being told because you lose your mind about stupid chit. Sounds like you wrecked a perfectly good evening.

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My son’s father’s family are always doing something shady and they’ll usually invite an ex, or someone that he was hooking up with to an event that they would invite me to just so that I can feel uncomfortable. So if his family is shady like that than obviously there’s something up with the chick. Best of luck to you though.

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Seems to me your both in the wrong honestly

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Dodgy either something happened or he’s suspect to be a risk…get rid

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I mean really how much does it cost to take a minute to put someone’s mind at ease that you claim to love? Isn’t that what it’s all about?

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If you can’t trust him then your relationship is never gonna last.

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Wait…what?!? I’m so confused. What business is it of your who she is? If you want to know ask her yourself. Why are you asking him about another persons guest?? This makes no sense…and I would lie like a dog just to get you to be quiet

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Why don’t you start therapy to help you with your overthinking? Hard to change how you are on your own. Get your therapist’s perspective before accusing your husband of something that wasn’t his doing. If you can relax and be more objective you will be more peaceful and a better mom too. Win win!

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He’s either hooked up with her or he’s been trying to hook up with her or he wants to hook up with her. that would be the only reason he would be upset to some random ass chick was invited out with a group of people. no you’re not in the wrong for asking questions when his story is not adding up at all.

Well from that it kind of sounds like you were like: “When have you and your family talked about her?” “How do you know she worked at that restaurant?” “Did your family tell you she works there?” “When did ye talk about her.” Surely anyone would be like Jesus what’s with all the questions. He shouldn’t be shouting at you but it probably got annoying if you were just asking him all of these questions just because she’s a newly single that was invited out by the family. Would you have asked all of them questions if she wasn’t newly single?

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How are there so many people in sh!tty relationships that dont trust each other :upside_down_face::upside_down_face::upside_down_face:

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Sounds like you’re overthinking it, trying to start a fight, and cause problems where there aren’t any. She wasn’t even his guest, it was his families. If you want to know her business go introduce yourself and ask her. You need therapy or something.

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I think he’s the one overthinking it and he knows her more than he’s letting on. She isn’t a stranger and she isn’t random. He probably dated her and they liked her? Only way I think you’ll get the truth is if you friend her and eventually ask her how she knows the family in a casual convo.

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Definitely sounds like you are wanting to argue.

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Get out guilty conscience

Why does this bother you so much ? Was he acting inappropriate etc ? Ask her yourself. Try getting to know her if even a tiny bit. If I was your bf honestly I’d be defensive too

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Always trust your own intuition… Always.

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I kind of need background but also i feel like if he didnt invite her then it really doesnt matter

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Go to either thr family member or the girl and just ask. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah he did act defensive but why? Really shouldn’t have been a problem to just be open and honest. Ya never know maybe one of the family members are messing around.

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Maybe they are trying to set him up with him

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Sounds like typical gaslighting to me.

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:joy: not every friend a guy has will end in a night of sex jeez your overthinking it

I think you’re overthinking it. Step back from the situation. Would a family all be in on some weird thing to get him to cheat or to support his cheating? She is obviously a person they like so they invited her along. Let it go. He truly hasn’t done anything but be confused by your questions.

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You were not in the wrong at all!! He, on the other hand, sounds guilty of something.

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Hell I would keep my feelings bottled up around you too.

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Girlll, you a lil crazy :pinching_hand:

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Why is he getting mad and shit if you were just asking ?? Do you usually question him ? Or Is he acting different. Either way sounds like a little jealousy

I feel like you made some shit up in your head and got mad about it.

You sound obsessive… and a bit cray cray

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Nothing wrong with asking questions. Not like you can read minds. If he feels to need to get all defensive… then there is a problem. Your supposed to have communication in relationships and trust, its not like you were accusing him of anything. If you did come at him accusing him then he obviously has a right to be upset. But if your just asking to know the details, nothing wrong with that. I think I’d ask him why he felt the need to overreact and get defensive? Are questions not allowed? :rofl: I don’t mean to laugh but like damn. But if your flat out accusing or implying that he has something going on. You might want to chill out a bit and re-evaluate your relationship if you can’t trust him. Bc If you do got a good man he won’t be around forever if he is always getting accused of something he is not doing. Good luck girl!

He said you’re always accusing him so maybe that’s why he reacted like that!

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He didn’t invite her, his family did so why bug him with 20 questions and a pop quiz. He don’t know the chic, doesn’t know how she got invited. She was there, and everyone had fun until you decided to be little miss drama queen and give your husband a 50 question pop quiz on someone he doesn’t even know.

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It sounds less of him getting defensive & more him being sick & tired of your accusations as you admitted you do this a lot :joy:

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You don’t trust him. And without trust u have nothing

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Umm it does sound like you were interrogating him from the jump. Has he ever given you a reason to be insecure and jealous?

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You sound like you were in interrogation mode. That’s why he thought you were accusing him of withholding things.
It sounds very controlling to have to know what exact conversation went down. My family passes along little information on who’s coming to an event but if someone asked me if we talked about “so and so” I would probably say no too. You have to pick and choose your battles in a relationship & I doubt that was worth an argument or making your man feel interrogated. I say that in a caring way. I use to feel insecure a lot about my relationship and ask questions like this. Therapy helped

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And on another note, his answers probably keep changing because he is just trying to tell you what you want to hear/guess what you want to hear so that he dosnt have to be interrogated again

I’d let it go not worth it

i got a headache reading this

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I’m honestly just confused as to what’s behind this post. Do you and your man have problems with trust. Has he cheated or given you the impression that he would be unfaithful? Do you feel threatened by this woman for some reason? What kind of family gathering was it that people you don’t know are also being invited? Did you talk to the woman and maybe ask her how she knows the family? So many blank spaces here.

Why didnt she just ask someone

Theres nothing wrong with asking questions it’s possible he was just annyoed and jumped to you accusing him ( if in fact you do do it sometimes) ii do pose a question why not ask who she is yourself I mean I’d wanna know to just go and introduce yourself as hi I’m so and so gf what your name and go from there

I had to re-read this to grasp what you were trying to say. It sounds like you were digging, another family member brought her. I doubt they brought her for your boyfriend. Also he was answering that she worked at a restaurant because maybe that’s what he heard his family member say? He probably doesn’t know her personally but knows of her since she’s known enough to be invited along. Is there something he did before to make you accuse him of hiding something? It sounded like you were reaching and he got defensive

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Who cares . Maybe they banged 10 years ago and she blew him off after .

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The family member invited her not him so I never would of questioned him personally.

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Jealous and insecure much?

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He probably felt like he was being interrogated.

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Sounds like you don’t trust him and he sounds like he’s just saying whatever he thinks will make you leave him alone.

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Maybe his female family member is bringing the single female for herself. Maybe she is gay or bi and hasn’t come out to the family. Idk why you’re pressuring your boyfriend for answers when he probably doesnt know anymore than you do.

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You’re.ot crazy. Gut feelings are usually right.

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Yes mind ur own business if he did not speak to her or disrespect u in anyway n is with u y should it matter to u

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you question him re: a gal someone else invited to the gathering. why didn’t you ask the gal how she knows the family or even ask the person who invited her. why get upset with him over something out of his control. don’t matter if the family member told him she was inviting this person or not. if it wasn’t a former gf, sleeping buddy, etc–what’s the problem.

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Actually sounds like you are overthinking the situation entirely. He never said he ever seen the lady at your favorite restaurant but his other family member may have just told him in conversation and that his how he knew and if he never approached her or spoke with her in a private way what is the issue and why should it make any difference to begin with unless he has cheated on you in the past and his family member was that as well - jealously will kill a relationship faster than anything so don’t push a button that doesn’t need pushing.

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My boyfriend he gets frustrated yells, and blames others when a conversation to him sounds like picking fights or blame games. He’s learned that when this happens we aren’t on the same stage of understanding what is being said. He said that a minute to think about how everything is said will calm him down and then starting at the beginning of conversation helps. Break the tension with him and say our brains need a break and off jumping while making funny noises. Some people don’t think in a straight line of beginning, middle, and end. Sometimes a paper time-line works.

The whole story :joy:

Paranoid much??? Ffs. This relationship is doomed I’m sorry.

I’m sorry but there’s nothing wrong with her asking him a question. He could answer and not get bent out of shape. Getting all angry makes him look guilty of something. He may not be but geeez communication in any relationship is very important and if she can’t ask a simple question about a female his family has invited then he clearly has issues.