My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years now we have 2 babies together, we recently signed for our house in January to be home owners and we’ve always talked about getting married at some point. There was a few times he’s said he wanted to get married and tonight the subject came up again and he said he didn’t want to get married because “it’s just a piece of paper and who do we need to make happy by getting married” I just left it alone but it kinda struck my heart. But am I overthinking the whole marriage thing?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My boyfriend thinks marriage is just a piece of paper
That’s exactly what it is
It is just a piece of paper.
Money is a piece of paper but he still wakes up every day for it, wouldn’t be happy without it
There is something wrong he is cheating on you
My thought is. Yes it’s paper, but so is money yet you still work hard for it!!
It’s just paperwork.
I was with my high school sweetheart for 8 years and finally left because he didn’t want to get married.
I feel like everyone has different views in this but if it’s important to you then he should at least talk about thoroughly with you and y’all figure out what to do from there.
We’ll he voy everything. No need now. 😮💨😢
He may or may not be holding onto his easy way out. I was in the same situation, and he cheated and left.
My boyfriend is the same way
It is just a piece of paper. However, marriage is the next logical step if your happy.
It may be a piece of paper but it definitely has its advantages. What does he think are the disadvantages besides his just a piece of paper excuse?
You can still have a committed relationship without being married
I said the same thing for years… I have been with my man for 16 years now and we have 5 beautiful kids together we finally went ahead and got married at the court house on our 16 anniversary last week and I couldn’t be happier … if yall are meant to be then yall will make it married or not and maybe one day u will. Be married
Honestly. If you are both on house then it leaves you more immediate rights to your children
I’ve been with my common law boyfriend for 19 years not married. I can’t justify all that money for one day. My cousins and sisters all got married and are getting divorced. But if marriage would make you happy he should be willing to consider it.
If it’s just a piece of paper why won’t he just sign it
Went through this and we are now actually planning our wedding. I sat down and explained it was very important to me. (6 years 2 kids) to him it might be a piece of paper but you may feel differently and he might not know how you feel.
Your feelings are valid and they matter. Maybe go to relationship counseling. If this is important to you (marriage) then you have to weigh your pros and cons. He could just be nervous it’s a big responsibility for a man. You know him best. Do what’s best for you and your babies
My hubby said the same thing when we were dating. However, he knew it was very important to me and he married me.
Marriage is what you make it.
I’ve been married and divorced and yes marriage is just a piece of paper. Marriage tends to change relationships too some for the better and some for the worst. IMO a happy healthy relationship is much better than being married.
My ex did the same thing. Come to find out, his “change of heart” happened when he started bringing another woman to my apartment while I was at work.
It’s a lot more than that if you look at it religiously its a commitment in front of God￼, If you care about your country and your government it’s Acknowledgment of your relationship and commitment in front of them￼. It means something my husband said the same thing about marriage until we got married￼. His whole tune changed when he wanted it￼. If you want to be married then you deserve to be married you put the needs of your significant other before your own and if it’s just a piece of paper and it doesn’t matter than your boyfriend should have no problem doing that. But if you’re unhappy don’t waste time in a relationship that isn’t going where you want it to￼￼.
My husband said the same thing. We will be married 2yrs in September 2022.
Money is just paper but it’s important too.
It’s a contract. He wants to be able to shuck his rsponsibilities, so he wants no binding marriage,.
It’s more then a piece of paper! But that’s just my thoughts as well as my husband’s!
I’d say sure with a prenup in the other hand. Has he been in abusive or narcissistic relationships? Where the woman would control him or manipulate him? All questions that would need to be answered before I can even give an honest answer.
If commited & long term should want to be married
It hurts me too
Good enough to sleep with and clean up after you bare you children…allow them to take his last name …but I’m not good enough to marry
I used to feel the same it was just paper . But I did end up getting married I’m the one who stalled . But it is more than paper its a commitment to ur self and to each other. So much more beautiful . Buttt I was afraid of commitment. I didn’t ever want to feel like I had to work for something if and when I wanted out that’s exactly what I wanted just to get up and go. And mayb he is afraid as well . Many blessings to u and ur lil family tho
Not sure how old your children are but one day they may ask why mommy has a different last name and a few other things that make things difficult without “that piece of paper” .
I’ve been with my bd almost 7 years well april of last year we split for about 6 months but now we’re back together & he says he regrets us splitting up & now hes the who says he wants to get married(before he said he wanted us to be together for like 10 years then we could but he proposed to me about a year in) & I just tell him we’ll see how he it goes when he gets out of jail lol
If it’s just a piece of paper then he shouldn’t mind getting married then!!!
So my man was absolutely against marriage. I expressed how I want to be honoured by taking his last name and marching our kids last name and how it would make me feel that he is committed to our family forever! He now is asking me wedding ideas and talks about it more than me! He was traumatized as a child by two horrible divorces…show him how life can be beautiful as it has been with a safe place and no fights and he may change his mind?
You signed a deed together. You’re already legally bound. 🤷🤷 I got a house instead of a ring too.
Marriage is not just a piece of paper it’s wanting to let all your family and friends know that you love each other! If all he thinks you are is a piece of paper than you have bigger problems in your relationship!
Even if you don’t officially get married thru the court. I feel it is important in a way to get up in front of your friends and family and say “this is the person I want forever and I’m going to make that comitmemt in front of you all.” Maybe compromise if something like wedding is important to you but he doesn’t like the legal side of marriage?
I do not recognize the state toward the country as my authority. God is my true authority and as long as I believe that you don’t need a paper. But if you want to f*** with him tell him that money is also just a paper
Marriage is just a piece of paper. I cost less to get in it and a hell of a lot to get out of it…stay the Way you are
Emotionally it is just a piece of paper - but legally it’s a big deal. This includes access to healthcare, tax advantages and breaks; protection for insurance, social security, and joint equity. There’s also legal advantages if you get divorced.
For some reason that piece of paper changes things, he’ll be happy with what u have a dad in your kids life roof over your head and happy why change anything
Allow him to voice his opinion, freely and open without outward judgement. People’s dreams and ideas for the future CAN change. It’s not to say he didn’t want to get married, his ideas on the subject just have changed. They may change again. Listen to him. Have that talk. Then, voice your opinion and why it means so much to you. If there’s true love, there will be understanding and compromise.
I, as well view marriage as just a paper as well. I will be getting “married” my own personal way. With a love ceremony/handfasting of sorts out in the forest surrounded by nature and candles. I haven’t decided if it will be just my husband and my daughter or if I will decide to invite very few loved ones. I want it to be very personal and a show of OUR loves together. My views are constantly changing on what I want that to be for me.
I regret ever getting married
My thing is if it’s just a piece of paper and just not a big deal then why be against it so much? If it would make your partner happy and it’s nothing something you view as a big deal then what’s the hold up? Court house is super cheap and everyone in the household has the same last name. That’s a big deal for me because I grew up in a household where I was the only outsider w a different last name and honestly it freaking always hurt but that was was my situation and just how I felt.
Asside from that it’s not just a piece of paper, look it up but that piece of paper holds alot of power when it comes to serious matters.
You could tell him you are going to get married. Eather hem or some one elce.
My partner and I have been together 25 years. We had a ceremony to express our love at 15 years. And we are having a renewal ceremony in November. Never legally married!!! It’s a piece of paper, a legality for some that aren’t religious.
It’s ok to feel the way you do. Maybe see if he has anxiety about a big wedding (I have a big family where as my common law husband doesn’t) 13+ years and we still aren’t married.
He could be cheating my baby dad cheated on me we were engaged but he could never plan a wedding
I mean it is just paper I probably won’t marry my fiance so he doesn’t get stuck with my medical debt
Think of the house as a marriage. You guys have two kids been together for five, buying a home together. Y’all are practically married.
My relationship is at 7 years going on 8 with four kids. The oldest being 6 going on 7 and the youngest being 2 going on 3. We’ve talked about marriage and my fiancee says the same thing it’s just a peice of paper but to me it’s more then that. It’s love, it’s shows a commitment not only to your spouse but to your kids. He sees it but I’m happy knowing he won’t leave me or our kids. He’s here to stay, marriage or not. Plus he’s benn married before and that didn’t last more then a year and he doesn’t want another divorce. I understand where he’s coming from. I seen my mom get divorced and married. I’ve seen many get married and divorced. I do understand why it happens so I’m waiting for the day that he wants to. I don’t bring it up unless show says something about it then I do and he knows I’m making my point he does the same.
I mean by fiancé and I are obviously engaged. We will eventually get married but in all reality it is just a piece of paper and is mostly for the government. Not to mention the fact having a whole celebration for us and me being the center of attention is absolutely horrifying
“Who do we need to make happy by getting married?” You should have answered: ME!! Ladies, stop stifling your wants, needs, desires for these men.
I agree with your husband. I married one time to please others when I truly did want to get married. It ended badly. My man now is more of a husband and my partner than the pos I actually married.
I personally think that marriage has more disadvantages than advantages. But if it’s something that important to you and his only argument is it’s just a piece of paper, then there is a problem.
Id be really upset if someone said they were open to marriage…then after we signed for a house together said they didn’t want to ever get married
Technically it is just a piece of paper but there are also a lot of benefits to being married. Plus its a wonderful feeling being able to say the love of your life is your husband/wife.
My husband said the same thing, he eventually did it because it made me happy. At the end of the day marriage is what you both make of it. Don’t let something like this ruin what you have.
I’d rather have a house and vehicle then a marriage license… You gotta pay to get them and pay even MORE to get outta them… I’m currently in a relationship now of 4yrs and he insist we’re gonna get married 1 day, but well:roll_eyes: We’ll see… Once was kinda enough
I been with my man for 7 yrs (in May) and I want to but yeah its just a piece of paper.
No:bangbang: It’s Not all Right. If I can have your children and clean up your messes then by all that’s holy I better be good enough to marry or your _ _ _ is grass and I’m the lawn mower:bangbang: Ask him how he would like to continue to walk or would he like to crawl the rest of his life:bangbang:
My parents have been together for 42 years and never got married. Sometimes it’s just easier that way.
I can understand you wanting to get married, most women do.
It is more expensive to get divorced than married though. (Currently going through the D now and it sucks)
Ask him if he would be happy putting the house in your name only, since its just a peice of paper and you have the kids to think about
It is just a piece of paper. Don’t let it get to you.
I agree with your fiancé he doesn’t need to prove his love for you by getting married
It’s all about you and your beliefs. Me personally? I wouldn’t care if I was married or not. I wouldn’t need a ceremony to tell me I was going to be with my guy forever. I would just know that it was forever. But if you want too share a last name. If you want that stability then let him know how you feel about it. What ot means too you
It’s honestly a piece of paper wedding are just a huge waste of money that usually end up in debt unless you have money put aside or have a parent willing to pay for it, you’re more than likely gonna end up in debt so is it really worth it in the end
Don’t get a home with him then I was with a man for 12 years wasted have his kids etc never got married and it never got to talk about marriage in a exciting way marriage has a whole meaning too it! I been with a man now for 18 months and men know in a few months not years if they would want to marry you period!!! And his already popping the question many times and when he talks about the future his more excited!!
It’s literally a piece of paper, it makes nir breaks no relationship. If him being with you, raising a family with you and buying a home with you doesn’t show commitment chances are the issues are within or maybe deeper than marriage. I know people myself include who have been in a relationship for 25+ years not married and are very happy. Just be happy however you and your partner define happy it’s your happy. Be happy.
There’s a reason. He just doesn’t want to say it.
I had this mentality and still kinda do but get why being married is wanted, by some people. I can say my reason for this mentality is bc I had an abusive ex who I wanted to marry and have kids with etc, and he ruined it all for me and after that I would say to myself if it’s not broke then why fix it. Why go the extra step of it’s not going to work out or they do what my ex did. Abuse is a crazy thing, and can see why he may have reservations about it. Maybe see marriage counseling before you take the plunge and see if they can offer any advice or guidance for you and your partner.
If you’ve lived together for a certain length of time, aren’t you common law married? I filed taxes with my ex and had to file for divorce when I left him.(Kansas) plenty of pieces of paper and a $500 filing fee there! What’s one more piece of paper?
I also believe marriage is just a piece of paper. But I’d happily marry the man I love if it’s what we both wanted. The fact your man changed his view on it is kind of weird though
This was my experience anyway. My ex bf said the same thing. Didn’t want to marry. Just a paper. Better government perks staying single…we split after he cheated and within months he married the mistress. I guess it more of he didn’t want to marry me thing.
Anyway, found someone truly amazing and married him. I couldn’t be happier now.
After a certain amount of time, I thinks it’s 7 or 10 years you are common law married. A lot of people, not even just men actually believe that these days. You have a right to feel how you do, I’ve had it said to me before. I felt the same as you. But just remember it’s becoming a common feeling amongst people.
If marriage is what you want, best advice, see a lawyer. Now that you both own a home, you should know what too expect either way should something happen.
I never wanted to get married. But, I knew the only way to keep him was to marry him. That was 14yrs ago. I still have days I struggle just bc of how I grew up & how I always viewed it.
To me it really is just a piece of paper my husband and I have been together 10 years two kids and seriously we got married so I could have the same last name as our kids. Otherwise 100% just paper. Our relationship didn’t need a chunk of paper to tell us we never wanted to be apart. Also where we are after having kids or living together your common law which with kids takes a separation agreement to break apart…so basically we were married before we got the paper saying we were. It was the party to celebrate us that we wanted and the name change. We got married in 2020 so didn’t get the party we wanted but whatever I got the last name finally we got married 8 at years together
Nope. You’re not wrong.
If something should happen to him social security would give each child some money every month and you too. Don’t know for sure but for you to get money (until the youngest child is 16) you may have to be married. This happened to a friend of mine but they were married. Their house and cars were insured if something happened to him it was paid off.
My 80 years old marriage is not for everyone , I thank when people decide to have a family they need to marry and stay together if possible for those kids
My partner said the same thing… he now has my name tattooed where the sun don’t shine
It’s not just a piece of paper it’s a commitment to each other and your children, y’all are buying a house together and doing everything right except marriage, I would give him a little bit and I would sit him down and talk to him and let him know exactly how you feel, y’all made children out of love and are still together, he loves you but I feel he is scared of the whole idea of getting married and it being on paper, and if he doesn’t want to get married if y’all decide to go your separate ways who keeps the house and the other signs off on it? That’s the big question, if y’all decide not to marry if one of y’all gets seriously hurt y’all can’t decide on what needs to be done to save the other unless y’all have papers drawn up giving each other the power of attorney to do what needs to be done, it’s a sad situation if he doesn’t want to get married both of y’all are missing out on so much, I am sending up prayers for you both
Well in that case does that make money just paper too?
Wouldn’t his parents be next of kin if something happened to him? It might be just a piece of paper but it’s a very important one
I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 18 years, we have been engaged for 10, 2 kids. I was dead set at one point to get married, but as time has went on, I realized it was more so pressure from my family than it was actually what I wanted. As long as you’re happy, it’s just a legality.
If it’s just a piece of paper, then why not do it? Lol… & money is just a piece of paper too, but I get up everyday and work for it.
Money is just a piece of paper too but people still get up to work for it. The valuable things aren’t material but here we are… if marriage is just a piece of paper, then the meaning behind the paper won’t mean anything either. I understand marriage isn’t for everyone, but if it’s important for you, then discuss it so you don’t harbor resentment later.
So I am
Married. And it has its pros and cons. One con is financially. Like I can’t receive much help for school and have a massive amount of student loans. I’ve been married almost 5 years. But really financially I feel like if we weren’t married getting help for school would’ve made it a little easier. But hey . I don’t agree nor disagree with him. Because I see both sides.
This is a red flag. I’m sorry. Making a commitment to love and honor you and only you is not just a piece of paper. Plus, the practicality of marriage (you get the house if he does, he gets it if you die, instead of probate) and the fact that as a boyfriend/girlfriend neither of you can make medical decisions for the other in an accident (next of kin would) and so much more, makes it a much larger thing than “just” a piece of paper. There are two problems here, you’ve given him too much without getting the security you need and something else is going on to make him say this now.
Tell him it would make you happy to have everyone in your family with the same last name.
Especially stress this if you gave the kids his last name.
Tell him you want to be a wife, and if marriage isn’t his thing, then you’ve both got to reevaluate the relationship. If marriage is what you want you need to voice that!
Yes if he does it gives yiu his social security and do not stay with someone who makes no committment
My niece had been with her boyfriend for 15 yrs. They have 2 sons. When she took her oldest to enroll in high school he noticed that Mom’s last name was different .When she explained that Mom and Dad weren’t married , he told her they didn’t do it right. First you get married then you have kids. They went and got married that week. Been together 20 yrs. now. It matters.
I don’t think you’re overthinking it. Years from now when your retirement age, you won’t get survivors benefits if you were never married to the man even if you stay with them for 50 years. I think since he created a family with you he owes it to his children and you to do the right thing. To set you and your kids up for the long run. You wouldn’t believe how fast old comes. I know a woman who was devoted to a man for 46 years. He died, she got nothing. She had to scrape by on a very small social security check of her own as she was mostly a housewife. Those are just a few reasons it might be a good idea to say " I do". If not for him for his family. This doesn’t sound romantic but you got to think of the practicalities
I think he’s trying to tell you like he genuinely loves you and doesn’t need a piece of paper to show that but I think if you actually said “you know what? I do want to get married, and it would make ME happy” then he’d probably do it. You said he agreed with you in the past. Good luck xx
I think it helps if you like the person you pick. I did the second time around. Doing good. Love yall.
I’m so tired of someone saying it’s just a piece of paper. Well so is Money! And it’s not “just a piece of paper.” You don’t go to court, before a judge, and get a piece of paper. It’s a legal document, like your birth certificate. If anything were to happen to either of you and you don’t have “that piece of paper” than your wishes may not be carried out how you want them or know how he wants them. There’s so much more to it. It’s not “just of “piece of paper.” And if there’s some that think it is that, then 1) they don’t see themselves with that person for long, 2) they honestly havent found the right one to sign forever with. and 3) it’s been drilled into their head by someone who doesn’t want them that it’s “just a piece of paper.” Like I said, money is too but ppl kill for that. Sorry, not sorry.