My boyfriends ex threatened to keep his son from him if I moved in: Advice?

I posted a while back about finding out I was pregnant and it was very scary for me, and I sought advice. I just wanted to update and seek additional advice. The man and I are dating now and still living an hour apart. We just found out we will be having a baby boy. This pregnancy has been incredibly difficult. I have had numerous hospital visits and visits with specialists. I can’t seem to stop vomiting, and I am losing weight like mad. He has been incredibly sweet and supportive, given we don’t see each other often but still. We plan on moving me and my grade school-aged son in with him because he has a larger home and his toddler son in July when I am closer to being due. We have and still are taking the past few months to get to know one another, considering I got pregnant within the first two months of knowing him. We have been dealing with SO much drama with his ex. I understand she is hurt after finding all of this out, but they have been apart for over a year. I didn’t come into the picture until after the fact. They share split custody with their son, yet she is adamant about me being NOWHERE near her child and threatening to keep their son away from the father and everything. They have a parenting plan that had not been put through the court system yet because she keeps refusing to sign and wanting to add ridiculous things to it. Like the fact, I am not allowed to live with him, for instance. Even though I am carrying their son’s little brother, they were never married and lived in TN. He is waiting to get up enough money to push it through the court system. I, however, have reservations about moving in now with all this drama. Yet I know I can’t stay at my small home alone. I will have a c-section, and I will be at high risk at delivery. I have met his son several times, and he is so sweet. I would treat him like my own if given the chance. I have no criminal record, own my own home, and have full physical and sole custody of my other son. I am not and have never been on drugs. She is simply jealous and being ridiculously petty. I am at a loss of words when it comes to her and how to deal with this. My hormones have me a rage constantly anyway! Lol. She acted this way when she found out we were simply dating. It exploded when the pregnancy news came out. I have let him handle it because I shouldn’t have to deal with it, but it came to a head, and I put my foot down about a month ago because I was so fed up with hearing about it. He is scared she will withhold their son from him, and he is basically walking on eggshells around her, and it is infuriating. Especially when you finally see a man who actually wants to be a real father, and the mother is making it much harder than needed. I also just got laid off from my job, and now we are considering me moving in sooner rather than later but again…it freaks me out. Any advice would be appreciated!


I wouldn’t move in until after they get things signed & sealed by the courts. That way he has legal legs to stand on if she acts up.


Get that parenting plan hashed out and blessed by a judge… the ex doesn’t have the right to determine who he lives with. He’s a grown up and when she left, she gave up those rights.


Get the paperwork done ASAP… she ACTUALLY can stipulated who stays in the home over night with her son… for instance… in our papers we have to agree before someone we are In a relationship with stays past a certain time at time or overnight… unless blood relation or Married.


Don’t move in until he has legal right to his child. This is very important. If your budget can handle it, rent a hotel near him? To get closer?

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She can’t control who lives with him unless you have other issues like drugs or child endangerment

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Just stay with him for a month after you deliever, then decide if u want to move in.


He really needs to get her sorted out court wise before you move in, I know it sucks but having all that stress on you dealing with her will only make your pregnancy more difficult. You have that precious baby to protect and not to mention your other child. I wouldn’t want either around her unless she got her crap together and started acting like an adult because no matter what they share a child and will always have to communicate on some type of level. If you absolutely HAVE to move in y’all may need to push the court situation sooner rather than later. Best of luck and congrats on your baby

Okay I’m confused were you just a fwb and that’s how you ended up pregnant and now you’re dating? That could be the reason she has a problem with this. She probably sees you as some piece of random ass he knocked up and doesn’t know. However, it is wrong what she is doing. If he’s a good father she needs to not keep his child from him. She should take the time out to get to know you. Maybe suggest no overnights until she does. This man has a right to date whoever he wants. Also the other reason could be jealousy because you’re pregnant with his child and she wants it to be all about their child. What he should do is go to the court you being pregnant with his child should help him.

I see no reason why you cannot stay in your place and avoid all the drama. Just because you are having a c-section and high risk doesn’t mean you can’t handle buisness and take care of your baby. Women do it every single day. :woman_shrugging: She can put in the parenting plan that he cannot have other women around the child until they have been dating for a set amount of time. I know someone that has a parenting plan that states that they have to be dating for at least 2 years before the partner can even meet the child and no overnights with partners present until married. Is he willing to give up having his child for the next couple of years to have you move in, or risk losing visitation completely for violating the court order?


They need to get the parenting plan in place and he needs to make sure it applies to her also.

Ask your doctor for Bonjesta. It stopped the vomiting for me but without it I could not function.


Maybe it’s not about you, maybe it’s about him?

You just explained my life SPOT on pretty much, minus a few small details, and I have been with my boyfriend 4 years. Built a family with his girl and my boy (same age). However, his baby mom is the worst. I’ve learned he feeds into it and is a huge part of the problem, literally stressed about it as we speak cause there is always something. Hasn’t ended in 4 years and honestly maybe it’s worse. It has hurt me to see him and his daughter go thru that at the same time because at the end of the day she does have complete control at this point, so of course he will feed into it. I don’t always blame him, it’s his daughter and this chick is soooo manipulative. I could go on and on…with that being said…

After 4 years, if I were you, I’d make my house work even if it was a tool shed :100:. I would not move in until they have a legit coparenting schedule/relationship that is respectful of your guys relationship. It won’t happen or change as long as you allow it, which includes moving in. Trust me when I say, I respect my bf bm 100% as a mother, make her gifts, help her when she’s down, have raised their daughter two summers without them…I’m not a baby mama hater. But as long as your bf ex has problems and makes it difficult and he doesn’t do this legally and create boundaries with her ON HIS OWN, it will always be a problem that will make you wayyyyyyy more miserable than being in a small home alone. It has been my worst experience relationship wise despite the fact he was made for me and I’m in the process of taking in the heartbreak to have some peace in my life. I’d still be open to a relationship and be focused on that as an end goal. But create your boundaries with him/that situation before “combining lives”. Never said anything more true :pray:t2:


Parenting plan. He should file first.

Definitely look into the cost to get the parenting plan stamped by a judge. I’m in Australia so it will definitely be different but it doesn’t cost a lot of money to file the plan in and you don’t need to fork out thousands in lawyers and court hearings. The hard work of agreeing to a parenting plan is already done, just needs that judges approval.

How about he moves in with you?


I would stay at my own house instead of moving in make him come to your house to help out … u dont want that drama and your not sure if u want to live with him… personally I would steer clear only cause you have enough on your plate atm .


Get married. That should calm her tits.


Some women are jealous and petty, that’s a fact look at the comments😒,


Can you have a friend or family member move in with you to help out vs moving in w BF? Check your medical benefits to see if you could get a visiting nurse to stop in periodically. Way less messy. Maybe offer really low rent for a serious college student in exchange for helping you out.

Remember to get on birth control before you leave the hospital after your baby is born as you will be extra fertile and you don’t need another unexpected pregnancy.

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The problem here is there is nothing signed by a judge to protect both parties’ rights concerning their child. He needs to go down to the courthouse and file for custody of this child. The sooner he does this, the better. She legally can withhold the child and this can get dragged out to kingdom come. He shouldn’t need to come up with money to do it. Just go down to the courthouse and tell the clerk what he needs and they will get the paperwork and tell him the fees. Has paternity been established already? If not, the court may need a DNA test to establish paternity, which takes even longer. He needs to get serious and do it now. The longer he drags his heels, the more shit she can pull and get away with. At this point, while infuriating, there is nothing YOU can do about her and her behavior. You’re gonna have to have patience like you’ve never known before. You can’t blow up at her and go off because if you do, she can use it as a reason to keep the child from his father. So you focus on you and your pregnancy, and your baby and let him deal with her. It is none of her business who he is with, and stopped being her business and something she has a say in the day they broke up. A judge will laugh in her face because she has absolutely no basis for the demands she’s making. In the meantime, if she withholds said child, your bf needs to document every single time. Because of she does, and he has a list of proof, he can and absolutely should use it against her in court. It will help his case. The better he documents it all, the better his side of the case. She is his to deal with, not yours.

Get the paperwork done ASAP
However if push comes to shove and you need to move in then do it she has no real reason to keep you away except jealousy xx

Chances are, he was still messing with her when you got pregnant. I’d be willing to bet money on it. He needs to get the ball rolling on getting her into court.


You have things out of order


You need to move in and He needs to go to court to establish custody/visitation. Something similar happened to me when my kids were small except reverse and she had criminal record and more stuff was going on but the judge told me I can’t choose or have a say in who he chooses to be in a relationship with and if my kids were around her . I did have control over other things happening in his home and other people living there so there were stipulations on his visitation like no overnights , but what the judge said always stuck with me.

He doesn’t need a lawyer to do this if he can’t afford one. You just go up to the courts child support office in your county and request a court date for support if one isn’t established and then during that hearing request a hearing for custody. Here in Indiana 50/50 whoever makes more still pays support. Idk about other states. If you don’t want to do it thru support office you would just go to the clerks office in your county and fill out a paper for a court hearing for custody.


He needs to file through tbe court system. Her demand of you not being around the child will never hold up. Judges see right through that crap.


He needs to make custody/visitation legal immediately. If you do move in and she withholds his child it will not end well for any of you. He will resent you and your son for it. He needs to get it done now .


since your plan is to move why don’t you just move closer ,
get your own place so you can control what drama comes in the door atleast to some extent
This woman is a part of your life now, your going to have to decide how much of it you want to share with her


In the state of TN since they were not married the mother has all rights without a court order. So if she is threatening to withhold the son she could do it. He just needs to document everything.

He needs to call a moderator. If she is saying you can’t move in, and refused to sign because of it there is a good chance they will need to go before a judge.

I’d move in first and then if she decides to withhold the son go to court.

I hate woman who use the child as a pawn that’s exactly what she is doing.

I would not wait until after they establish it because most judges would time in her favor about not allowing you to move in, at least until marriage. It may be different since you are pregnant with his child though.

Also have him take a parenting class.

If it were me, I would personally reach out to her. Ask her if just the two of you could meet up, let her get to know you as well. Make nice, become friends. I would want to meet my child’s other parents partner.

You don’t need a ton of money or a lawyer for this. If she wants to add ridiculous things he DOESNT have to agree and then it is pushed to court.

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I would just be careful and he has to straighten that out that’s up to him

Nope don’t do it! See if you can get someone to stay with you for a few weeks after you deliver. I guarantee that all of the back & forth between your place and his will put some fire under his feet. He’ll either put his foot down with her or get the court order started ASAP! But don’t add the extra stress right now by moving in. You don’t need it. You have to think about the safety of your child first since you’re high risk.


I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a second:
You and this man got pregnant after only knowing each other for 2 months. You’re still just getting to know each other. You have not even been together a year.

You’re assuming she’s just being petty and jealous, and maybe theres a little bit of that…but many court orders/parenting plans have stipulations about new partners not being around the child until x amount of time has passed ect.
It’s to protect the child.
Protect the child from getting attached to someone who may not always be around.
Protect the child from too many changes in too short of time frame that can cause some major behavior issues.

My ex husband moved his girlfriend in not even a month after we split. Despite the verbal agreement we had that 6 months to a year was the magic number and we each had to meet the partner first.
They played “house” with my child.
She STALKED one of my coworkers in Walmart followed him around screaming at him AND me at my job to the point I lost hours because i couldn’t be there alone.
I still tried to be the bigger person and allow his dad to have visitation…
And THEN they kept my child over night when they were not supposed to REFUSED to give him to me. Said they’d give him back in the morning.
They would have if I’d have signed some ridiculous paper saying I would pay my ex child support. Which I refused to do.
They said they’d meet me at police station to give my child back. They met. Again refused until I told the officer at the desk i wanted to file extortion and blackmail charges
They FINALLY gave him back and when they did…
His eyes were glassy and he was OUT OF IT.
He refused to sleep alone. He freaked out when I left for work.

You’re making a lot of assumptions about a woman you’ve never met but you’re only getting his side of the story.
I would take a moment to consider that maybe just maybe her issue is with him and not exactly with you. And that she is trying to do what’s she feels is best for her child even if you do not necessarily agree with it.
How would you feel about this situation with your own children?

I’m only saying this because vilinizing her isnt helping the situation. The more combative you and he get the more defensive she’s likely to become.
Personally I would suggest mediation where she can get to know you and any and all issues can be discussed with a third party present to keep any drama to a minimum.


She can’t keep their son from him. And he doesn’t need a lot of money to take her to court. All he needs to do is document everything about her saying she will keep him away and go file for custody. I had to pay maybe $30 in court fees to file in Virginia. After that I didn’t pay anything and I didn’t need a lawyer. If he is a good dad which it sounds like he is. No judge will keep him away from his son.


Ok you got pregnant barely knowing each other at all. And you’ve only met the child a few times. The other mom has the right to be concerned who is around her child. You even said you are still getting to know the father. That’s not the best time to all try to live together. I know the pregnancy feels like a good enough reason but have you considered that you all don’t know each other well enough to be living together?


Sounds like there is a lot of growing up to do on all ends. Sometimes shitty things happen and you get put into tough situations… but this sounds like this dude didn’t become a headache over night. My advice for you would be to do for you and your child… if yall make it work in the long run great. But start off don’t depending on him. I know I’ll get back lash for this comment but oh well. Yall ladies really need to stop putting yourselves in these dumb situations with these fuck boys :unamused:

She can’t do that. Take her ass to court and live y’all life. Don’t let a jealous bitter BM to stop yall from doin what u want;))) don’t let her have that much control, don’t let her win;))) gl… been dealing with a HCBM for 10 yrs. It nvr gets better u just have to handle ut business and ignore her ass;)))

Girl he got you pregnant within 2 months of knowing you, or not really knowing you as you put it. Makes you wonder how many other women he had in and out of his son’s life in the short time he’s been separated from his mom before he got you pregnant. And if he don’t know you she definitely don’t know you, for all she knows you could be a crackhead prostitute capable of abusing her son. I’m not saying you are, I’m just saying she doesn’t know you personally to know one way or the other. Have you ever even tried to sit down and have a face-to-face conversation with her like grown adult women? I’m going to assume probably not. I’m sure you’d be so comfortable with your child living with somebody who for all you know could be a crackhead prostitute. Sorry not sorry, but if you’re still getting to know him you don’t need to be living with his child from another mother.

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and say that the ex may not be just a horrid bitter woman. My ex can’t be single. He moves from one relationship to another, married again, split from her an is engaged to another woman when his incredibly complicated divorce from wife number 2 is still in process. I have very strict rules in place about meeting every Jane Sarah and Sue that he’s dating. But we also have a court order for visitation, in which I have sole legal and physical custody of our children but he has visitation rights. I never keep the kids from him but I do have certain rules about overnight visits when he moves in with a new woman. Simply because he just can’t be alone and live on his own, like at all. I honestly don’t think he’s ever just had his own apartment and took care of himself.

So in your situation, she might be a bitter baby mama, but she also doesn’t know you. She might just be afraid of the fact that her child will partially be living with another woman she doesn’t know, plus there’s the jealousy of her son being raised in part by another woman. A lot of the times the jealousy about another woman is not about her being with her ex, but of the role she’ll play in the life of a child.


I love how new girlfriends always say it’s the ex girlfriend who is so horrible. It’s probably your man that’s the horrible one :laughing:


I’ll say that when I got divorced, I was young and dumb and immature. We both were and got as petty as we could be. I tried to add it in the paperwork that he couldn’t have any women over that weren’t related and the judge told me that that would be in effect for me too then and asked if I wanted to be forced to follow that rule too…of course not. People don’t think about stuff like that when they’re being petty🤦🏼‍♀️


I wouldn’t say jealous I would say controlling and manipulative. You did nothing wrong at all . She can’t control him or with hold the child she is just being bitter . If she has no real proof she will get into trouble . Some women need to realize they broke up for a reason. Don’t let her scare you away . It’s not your job it is his. You focus on what’s best for you and your sons , if that means moving in with him then so be it . But I respect how you went about the whole situation. And there is nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to how the baby was made . It’s a baby there wonderful .


Some parents decide before the child is even born that they don’t want their kids around a bunch of random men and woman. Me and my fiancee decided when we found out we were expecting that if anything were to happen between us an we break up that our daughter. Can’t be around the new person we are with for almost a year so we know its actually something real. There are way to many kids that have random men an woman in and out of their life its not healthy for them at all. If I were you I would just move closer to him but have your own place. Its just better for everyone


first is she dating anyone and having anyone live with her? it’s a double standard if so. but I would go get custody sorted


While she can threaten to do so all she wants, the courts won’t see it that way. As long as he doesn’t have anything that could get him in trouble, they will work out a custody agreement with the two of them and probably require them to attend a mediation.

That being said… as a single mother who went through this multiple times with my child’s father, this mother may not be controlling and terrible, etc. There may be more to this than you know. My ex husband was married three more times after me with several more children. And he tried to get custody of my (yes, I said my) daughter just because his one time wife wanted her. He hadn’t seen her in 3 years at that point. You, unfortunately, still don’t know that much about this man. I hope he is a good one. But until you’re together for awhile, you won’t know.


She can’t have that in a court order. Him being in a relationship isn’t her business. She needs to get over it, sounds like she’s petty and still wants him. My ex tried something similar but I moved in anyway and now we’re doing very well. Have him take her to court it’s not fair to withhold his son over that.


She can’t withhold their son from him because she is jealous. Your boyfriend needs to take her to court asap the judge will order manditory visitation so she can get in legal trouble if she holds their son from him.


He just has to take her to court and have custody done through the court.

Get him a lawyer, go for shared custody, and if you dont want to deal with her, make it so there is a no contact order with her, make sure to document all texts and emails and record any phone calls, present them to lawyer, this way the judge can see what you guys are dealing with, so the no contact order can be in place. With the order in place, you guys drop the child off at an agreed upon place 15 mins beforehand, could be a friend, family, or at some family service place, and she picks the child up 15 later. This way there is no arguments with her, you don’t have to deal with her, and it is documented if she tries not to bring the child.


I’m not sure about what court order is set up for you specifically, but I do know that in my case and most cases, most of the time there is a stipulation that unless y’all are married no one of the opposite sex or a potential sexual partner can stay overnight while the child is staying there. It was automatically put in our court papers. He has to either take her to court to get that changed or get engaged/married if she’s going to raise a stink about it.

Its going to have to go thru court. Unless there is proof that the child is in danger, the father is unstable. Then his life has nothing to do with her anymore other than the child they have together.

If there is a court order for custody she has no say who he has his son arround during his time

He needs to submit any evidence of her behavior to the courts, get a parenting plan in place and make sure it’s an enforceable order. She cannot dictate who he has around his child as long as you are not a danger to the child, using drugs around said children, etc. In many cases, mothers and fathers fail to realize this isn’t healthy for the child and try to dictate the other parent’s life. It’s ridiculous that she thinks she has this kind of control over him.

If it’s his son she can’t do that legally

I’d get a lawyer. If he has visitation rights, and she with holds the child from him, contempt of court. Unless she can prove either you or him unfit, the court will uphold tje custody and visitation agreements.

Your boyfriend needs to get a lawyer and get a court order in place. She cannot withhold without being in comtempt once that is in place. Let your boyfriend handle the drama and just be his support. With you having a baby on the way and no record I don’t see a judge putting anything in the order about you not being able to live there.

Legally she can’t. He can help you without you moving in with him. You don’t know each other well enough to live together anyway. Pregnancy is not enough of a reason to.move in. Real love has there at a minimum and preferably a marriage license. If you do not love him that much save yourself a lot of grief and don’t move in.

Sounds like it depends on the state. I know in Florida I was told I could not enforce a rule around overnight partners. Is it the best thing for kids to play insta family after a parent meets someone …in my opinion, no. He needs to get an attorney and figure out what his rights are. Hopefully you are not dealing with a case of where he was seeing you both…that tends to create a lot of tension and animosity. It happens a lot more than people realize. Hate to say it but I don’t know of too many people that split where at least one of them didn’t already have someone else lined up.

Seriously get a dam Layer

She cannot control him by using their child as leverage. Keep all texts and take her back to court. Move in with him if you want.

Do you love him? I did not see that in your advice request. I see a pregnant woman, not really knowing the father of your baby, a compromised pregnancy, a future C-section and help you will need and loss of job. So my worry is you are hoping that by living together all these concerns will just go away. I truly hope it will. I have my doubts. He has had time to get funds together to fast track the parenting schedule so he probably didn’t cause he wasn’t having an issue with EX. He should look into what he can file with the court for the Parenting schedule. Don’t think it is that expensive and he would probably meet with a judge. I don’t know about visiting days with his son without some legal document if she can with hold him. Nothing is in writing that she can’t.

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I’m a single mom with 2 boys. I had a c section with my second with my oldest 13 months apart. My kids dad didn’t know how to take of kids so it was all me. You can do it with or without him. Maternal instincts will kick in when he arrives. Your boyfriend needs to get a lawyer or maybe he is making up a excuse to not let you move in. Ask him to get a lawyer and if he does that’s a good sign. But really you can do it on your own.

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I’m in NY and not sure what it’s like in your state but all he has to do is go to the city’s family court and file for custody. A lawyer isn’t completely necessary yet unless she fights what he is requesting the custody agreement to be. But if she has the child more than he does he’s probably going to have to pay child support just a FYI.

He can threaten to go for full custody of she keeps him from his son. I mean he doesn’t have to do that but he can tell her he will. He really needs to get something done legally asap. No mediator is going to allow her to put in something saying he cant live with someone else. Particularly if you are pregnant with his child. Also if you move in first then he files they cant tell you to move out. That’s ridiculous.

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If he wanted you there you would be there. She can’t say who he has to his house. If they aren’t a danger to the kids the courts will say too bad you don’t want ur ex w someone else. What he does is his business as long as child is safe.

Stay in your home for now and date him. Most courts want to see this type of involvement after about a year before they agree it’s wise to move in with someone with kids.
I can’t blame her for not wanting someone she doesnt know around her kid while in his care either. Meeting her child has to be taken slow. Why can’t he come to you more, to your home?

He needs to take it to court because she won’t get a say to control your lives. He doesn’t need a lawyer for 50/50 custody. Court fees can be waived if he qualifies. Just needs to get a parenting plan asap. Seems like he’s using it as an excuse to keep you at arms length, so watch out for how he really feels. Best of luck.


She can’t make his life choices but it’s sad people are not knowing the people they are having babies with, first thought would of been protecting on both sides

Unless you are a proven safety issue they won’t side with her. He needs to go now to the clerks office and file. What a miserable woman to keep a child from the dad over this. She’s clearly jealous.


Take it to court. Let them hash it out there. Same thing happened when me and my boyfriend started dating. To this day it’s still petty drama and it’s been almost three years and they both have new babies

He should go
Talk to a lawyer he has rights and she can’t do that u less there is a reason he is a unfit dad

He needs to document any bad behavior from her for proof later on at custody hearing if she gets out of hand

There is clearly something unfinished with them and you probably jumped in on something too soon. I think it would be crazy to keep moving so quickly and inserting yourself before he gets things squared away. The issue isn’t with her, it’s with him. He should be the one straightening things out. The mom always gets blamed when the dad acts like he’s not able to get things under control. A man can shut the bullshit down pretty quickly when he needs to, if he’s serious about someone else, don’t let him act like it’s that hard.

Tell your boyfriend to go through the courts to get visitation.

One thing that you need to consider is that his ex will be a thorn in your side the ENTIRE time you and your boyfriend are together. That is not good for your pregnancy and certainly not good for your new relationship where yall are still trying to get to know each other. Are you up for it?

If you have a support system where you already live, I would suggest you and your son stay put and not move in with bf so soon. Just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean that you need to live together. Plus, an hour is not THAT far away.

He needs to get a court order in place. If not then she can technically keep the child. Don’t ask me why… it doesn’t make sense to me either. I went through the same thing and more… It’s alot of stress trust me. But if you love him and y’all want to be together all the drama is not going to matter in the end. You will look back at it and laugh.

Lawyer. You are saying there is no reason you would not be able to make this work once court ordered. Yes there will be awful drama I’m sure. But once you have the court orders it’s on you to decide if you can handle her drama, because I’m sure she will continue fussing :sleepy:

She is clearly jealous. I wouldn’t be to hard on your bf though because if his baby mamma is causing a ton of drama it will effect him. He needs to get a court order done for custody and visitation. Then she won’t have a leg to stand on.

Definitely advise for him to get legal advice about getting access to see his son, she has no right to use the child against him like that

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So since nothing is in place legally he can legally keep his son and file for custody first