My boyfriends sister is doing nothing with her life: Advice?

my boyfriend and i have been together for 20 years, his mother was not apart of his life when i met him she just started getting involved about 15 years ago then we got really close about 5 years ago. She also has a 24 year old daughter. Her daughter dropped out of high school when she was 16 and to this day she does nothing, like absolutely nothing. her mother works over 60 hours a week pays all the bills and maintains the house. A couple weeks ago his mother was visiting and jokingly she said if something ever happens to me your going to have to take care of your sister. My boyfriend says nothing i tell her all the time she needs to do something with her life because the mother is not going to be around forever and i can not afford to take care of a 24 year old grown adult that does nothing. The mother also condones this behavior and says that she cant work or anything because she has anxiety, which is bull she can go out to dinner or to a bar once in a while and even concerts. I do realize anxiety is real but come on. I even offered to pay for her to get her highschool diploma through an accredited school if she watched my son while i worked. I just feel like i really need to say something because i can not afford to take care of her when her mother can no longer work shes almost 67 years old for petes sake. I also realize its really not my place. I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place!

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My boyfriends sister is doing nothing with her life: Advice?

Your boyfriends sister is not your business. All you can do is worry about you and your boyfriend and hope for the best for her

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Since when did she become your responsible? She’s an adult. Mind you’re business

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My advice is to mind your own business

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If she chooses to live like a bum she can join them when the time comes. Not your responsibility

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It’s sweet that you care so much, although it seems to be doing absolutely no good. I’d stay out of it. She’s a quarter of a century years old she can handle her own life. You’re under no obligation upon the demise of his mom to support her.

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Nunya. Stay in your lane.

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Nope! That’s a whole ass adult and definitely not your problem and tbh not your bf problem either, she’s grown!

i don’t see how this is a you problem at all

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She literally isn’t your problem so I think you need to mind your business.

Until the way she is living her life begins to directly effect you or your family it’s really not your place to say anything…. Your boyfriend can deal with his family on his own terms.

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Idk why you’re stressing so much, just tell them no? Don’t financially or physically take care of her, she’s an adult and can figure things out. The mom won’t make her get a job so it’s on the mom tbh that the girl won’t help out. If something happens to the mom and the woman shows up on your door step, just tell her that you can’t. It’s not up to up on what she does or doesn’t do.

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If she doesn’t want to be an adult.
She isn’t your responsibility when her mother passes.
Just leave it be.

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I would keep my mouth shut until that time comes. THEN put your foot down and say no way is that being put on you and your family :no_good_woman:t2:

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I would go ahead and tell my boyfriend that if his bum sister wants to keep living like that, she won’t be moving into our home. And if he wants her to, he can go join her. You and him need to have a real conversation about what’s going to happen when his mother dies.

Of course, if the mom isn’t dying anytime soon, you’re stressing over nothing. Because who knows? Maybe the bum sister might get her life together.

And also, she might have other issues going on that she struggles with. We don’t really know her that well.

Just wait until later on in life to have that conversation. Who knows? You and your boyfriend might be broken up and then you stressed over nothing.

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Are you dating his sister or… lol. She shouldn’t be of your concern. And you can’t really sit and say her mental status isn’t bad just because she goes to a few places every now and then. I have crippling anxiety and fucks sake i still go out in public?! You don’t know what’s going on with her. Maybe be there for her instead of judging her situation.

You’ve made an offer to her to get her diploma already. At the end of the day it’s not your business. Worry about yourself. It’s also 100% not your boyfriends responsibility to care for his sister who is capable if something happens to their mom. She will sadly learn the hard way.

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The mother is making it her business by saying your gonna have to take care of her if something happens to me.

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You aren’t married you’re free to do as you please. If he thinks you’re going to take care of a grown woman than he’s just as crazy as his mother and you can easily walk away.

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You’re being ableist!!! This page is a fucking joke

You disabled the person by enabling him. Siblings have no responsibilities nor obligations to each other. She will learn the hard way when the condoner mother passes away.

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Literally is none of your business.

Wow to everyone saying mind her business, did you even read the whole post? “She jokingly said, if something ever happens to me you’re going to have to take care of your sister.” That automatically made it her business :woman_facepalming::woman_facepalming:

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You sound judgemental AF. :slight_smile: not every person’s mental health issues are the same - some people can do certain things, and some others can’t. Some people can work, some people can’t. Let your BF/BF mama support the sister/daughter IF they want to and keep your nose out their business.

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Why even concern yourself with this? This is called meddling and serves no purpose to you other than drama. Not your circus not your monkeys

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She’s not your problem

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It’s not your business what she does or doesn’t with her life , neither is he your responsibility, when your MIL die she will need to find out how to survive

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It’s none of your business , worry about your life ! Not your in laws !

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As long as your boyfriend agrees and you make it clear to them that she can do whatever she wants but when the time comes you guys wont be supporting her and it’s on the sister to figure out her life. She will be on her own.

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Advice? It’s none of your business. Not your life, not your problem.

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Do you feel the need to say something to her because you are genuinely concerned about her and her future? Or do you feel you should say something because you just don’t want to deal with her when the mom can’t anymore?

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This is literally none of your business. :woman_facepalming:

I never use the “Karen” term. But if I was to ever use it, now is the time!

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I’ve been there. Anxiety and depression takes a toll on self esteem. Buddie up with her and try to find something of a hobbie. Like plants, animals, pottery, art work…something of a hobbie that doesn’t include people. Find out what her interests are and slowly sew into her hobbie with time and help. Hopefully something will turn into a job like a hobbie creating into a business.
Its gona take time and understanding. Someone has to sew seeds into her life. No one has ever really tried and just accepts her disability.

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You don’t need to say or do anything. When their mom dies go to the funeral and don’t give this girl a ride. You have choices. I mean…

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I see this as something that will simply resolve itself when the time comes. There’s no reason to get all spun up about it when nothing has actually happened. For one, this is your boyfriend so it’s really not for you to figure out anyway. Two, mom could be around another 30 years so this could be so far into the future that so many things can change in the meantime. Three, sister will figure things out on her own when mom is no longer around - just like everyone else that’s challenged in life.

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If she hasn’t done anything now she won’t … better put her picture on tinder snd get her married to someone who will take her off your hands … like I’m serious that’s what I’d do or if she has a boyfriend move her stuff to his house drop her off . SoMe women just ain’t gonna be career minded sone are just barefoot house wives . I’m just saying …

1 its not ur bizz what his sister does and doesnt do

2 his mum is prob not goin anywere anytime soon so by the time she cud be living with u she cud have a job maybe offer to help getting a job or even her own place with support

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It is your business if she is going to come live in your home until then it’s not I would mention to my spouse how I felt though

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Since you’re not married, tell your boyfriend that HIS SISTER IS HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS! (I’m not yelling at you just trying to make my point loud and clear).

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Not your monkey, not your circus.

It’s not your place to say or do anything…. This includes taking care of her if her mother dies. Let it go and worry about yourself. Just make it clear to everyone that you aren’t taking care of her at any point for any reason

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It’s literally none of your business…
what she chooses to do with her life … she won’t get up and do SOMTHING unless she truly wants to … no amount you of confronting her … will ever change what she chooses to do with her life …
just make it very clear when her mother does pass you are in no way responsible for her …

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not your monkeys not your circus. leave her be

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She’s not you’re responsible…she needs to step up and do things or learn the hard way…I understand people have different levels of anxiety and stuff but I’m sure if she was on meds and talking to people she could at least work from home

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Well dont then be firm…you are worried about something like that before its even happened …sometimes you got to let people find out the hard way no offense…

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This is not up to you AT ALL. Leave it alone. She likely needs disability for her mental health, but it is very difficult to get.

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Those saying its not her business are wrong… It is your business because you’re right !!! If something happens to mom what is she going to do ? Then brother is gonna jump in and take her in because thats his sister but it also includes you jumping in and saving her because you and your husband are in a partnership and are a team, as one. It is definitely your place if its going to become ur problem once mom passes away. I would see if brother can get in her head and see if she follows his advice…. It sucks because u dont wanna say the wrong things and then youre that bad guy but she needs to get her shit together and start taking care of herself ! Things are WAYYY too expensive to be taking on anyones issues whos a grown ass adult.

Not your life nor is it your business… and anxiety comes in different forms for many people who are you too say she can or cant?

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If she legitimately has been diagnosed with anxiety that she’s unable to work she needs to be on social security asap. Maybe you can help her get started on that, she’ll probably get denied a few times before she gets it if it’s legitimate. Other than that, if the mom’s not doing anything about it then why should you?

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You’ve said all you really can. When mom dies don’t take on little sister. She’ll have to go.to a homeless shelter where they’ll help her get a job and get on her feet.

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Just tell them if she doesn’t grow up and do things for herself… once the mother passes or is no longer dealing with the overgrown childs shit, she can go to a home

Not your daughter, not your problem. You’re worrying about hypotheticals right now. Don’t even worry about it unless you have to cross that bridge. Rules would be different at your house and you know that. It’s the things we never worry about that come up and cause true chaos in our lives. Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair: you can do it all day, but it will get you nowhere.

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My son has anxiety. He takes his meds and goes to work everyday. Not an excuse for not working.

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Not your circus, not your monkeys. Keep your boundaries and don’t enable.

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Anxiety is a real issue!! She is old enough to deal with her own illness and getting a job. She doesn’t need anyone to look over her. This would only make her anxiety worse. Let her live her own life. She’s not a child.

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The one and only thing you can and should do here is talk to him about it, let him know where you stand and that you can’t be a part of it and it will be a deal breaker

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Not your business, it’s hers life.

Don’t take on any issues. They aren’t yours. Just tell him she’s not coming to ur house. She needs up either be on disability or working. She’s just riding the coat of momma. Time to grow up but he has to tell them not u.

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Yep, as you said… Not your place.
Anxiety is very real and just because she goes out and does things sometimes doesn’t mean it isn’t crippling at times. Holding down a job and going to a bar or dinner are completely different.

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No you can say if he wants to take care of her he can but YOU will not. Y’all aren’t married so she is not your problem at all

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Obviously it all depends on how your boyfriend feels. But if he’s in your corner, I would offer to pay for her GED if she watches your son (again), & if she has debilitating anxiety, offer to pay for her to go to a psychologist in return for watching your son while you go on dates with your man, or maybe she could help around the house? Like a maid? As long as you can afford it of course (no shade if you can’t, we’re all out here just trying to survive :black_heart:).
I have really severe anxiety, & it definitely makes work harder, but through medication I’m able to handle it. I can not handle large crowds though, so I avoid them as much as possible. But if I have to go to the grocery store, farmers market, or I really want to go to a concert, I take extra anxiety meds to help.

But you would never see me at a bar or club. That’s like panic attack fuel right there. :joy:

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Mental health is so slept on, she needs to try to get on disability but it’s hard as hell to get on.

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you can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do she’s an adult but I would just have a conversation with your boyfriend about the plan if something does have to your MIL you are not obligated to take care of her so if anything it’s not your problem

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Tbh I’d just mind your business on that

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Yes anxiety is really but she needs to do what she needs to do to help her.

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Leave her alone. Not your problem. Make sure what the BF stand for…you or his sister… then leave him, too.

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I’d be like “and hell no I’m not taking care of a grown ass adult”!!! She’ll learn quickly when it the time comes.

It definitely becomes your place if she thinks shes moving in for her brother and you to provide fir her
She can do something besides lay around the house and go wherever she feels like it

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If she has genuine anxiety to the severity she can’t work there should be a formal diagnosis from a Dr that handles her anxiety, whether that’s with meds or therapy or both. Having a formal diagnosis means she can apply for disability and get an SSI check, Medicare, and welfare. Help her enroll in those programs and get into housing before the mom dies. Problem solved. Unless she’s lieing to avoid adulting. Then this offer will expose her lies and help the bf decide to put his foot down when the time comes since the mom isn’t willing to.

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Not your monkeys… not your circus… and definitely not your place… your opinion about how somebody else lives is not about them… its about you… stay in your lane… when mom dies, sister will have to figure it out on her own…

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I hav chronic anxiety as well as other issues. I still worked 40 plus hours a week and took care of my kids! I am currently not working now because I go to college full time and take care of my 3 & 5 yr old. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I would definitely be saying something. You can’t hold that in until that time comes when the mother passes. It sucks sometimes to have these types of conversations but they need to be done. I would at least make it clear to your boyfriend that, that won’t be happening!!! Maybe not your place to say something to the mother but atleast talk to your boyfriend. Get him to have that conversation with his mother, even if your there too.

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Not your problem yet…lol

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I’d just make it clear to everyone that you’re not financially responsible for her, nor do you have any intentions of supporting her. If your mother in law is hell bent on her being taken care of, than maybe she should either make those arrangements, or start making her accountable for taking care of herself.

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… just agree with the mom to appease her while she’s still on this Earth and then if by the time she dies, the sister hasn’t figured her shit out, force her to by not letting her move in.

If the Mom chooses to enable her, it’s sad. A parents job is to prepare them to make it on their own . It will hurt her in the long run. She will have to grow up quick. There is nothing you can do .

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It’s not your problem. You have already told her she can’t stay with you that makes it her problem, not yours

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Mind your own damn business tbh !

Not your problem unless sister is living with you and your bf and/or you are somehow supporting her financially.

Otherwise, keep out of it.

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Tell her it is time to take care of herself

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Maybe start with a therapist?

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There’s no way I’d be supporting another adult. She has a few things to learn and you owe her nothing. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

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Boyfriend needs to step in. Not your family, not your problem.

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I have a relative with severe anxiety. He still works and goes to school. His parents talked to the school and had a plan put in place to help him during panic or anxiety attacks. Your boyfriend’s sister sounds lazy. She could work from home or help somehow.

Yea she needs some good ol tough love. Once she has no choice anymore she will get it together

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Rochelle Olver-Price

Wow you and boyfriend together 20 years is great. Therefore it is your business when this boyfriends mother expects him to continue enabling bad choices from his mother with his sister. You should most definitely talk with him about it and find out his intentions and how you feel about it as well. It’s one thing to help your mother but sure in hell another to take care of a sibling that wants someone else to do it. I would make it clear that won’t be happening with you because you have a child to raise and your family comes first. If he can’t understand that then don’t waste another 20 years of taking away from your life for another that won’t do it themselves.

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First off it is your place . You have been with your boyfriend 20 years. It’s both of yours house . You tell your boyfriend it’s not gonna happen :no_good_woman: You have your own kids to raise if you have kids . Your bf mother is not old she can live another 20 years or so . Tell her yourself. We work we pay OUR BILLS . She is your daughter not ours . Responsibility of her is not yours . Make it clear .

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That’s your BF problem not yours. But I would see where he stands. I’m just shocked yall are together still & not married not trying to be mean, not my business just a shock.

Leave it the fk alone. Not your problem

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It kind of is her business if something happened to the mother. The bf is expected to take care of his sister. You need to have a serious talk with him. Explain what your feelings are about the situation. If your bf doesn’t agree then it’s time to sort things out whether you want to continue with your bf or leave and look for someone else. Even if your bf says he feels like you do there is no guarantee that he doesn’t take on the responsibility for his sister. Family sometimes overrides all others

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Is it really any of your concern. She has to live her own life and face her own consequences.

So his mum has already planned for yous to take over her roll with her. I would never settle for that. If she has anxiety to go out places then she needs to start by getting help for her anxiety,read about it,get a therapist or counselor and do phone meetings maybe. She can also do online courses. If she doesn’t start somewhere she is going to fall hard later in life,and when she looses her mum she will be in a worse situation possibly depression. This is definitely your business if this means tapping into your time/money or the money your partner would be using to support your own little family. Her mum has enabled her to do nothing she better enable her to get to work before her mum stops not let her be lazy just cause she expects her son to take over. Jesus. I was 16 had my first house,fully furnishes,was studying and looking after 3 girls. Cooking,cleaning,the shopping. you name it. It all depends on yourself and what you want in life. I know alot of people with major anxiety and can still work for money to pay there way.

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Not your place to say or do anything. Just make it clear to your boyfriend she isn’t coming there. A lot of times in this situation they grow up real fast after mom is gone bc they have no choice.

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Mom better get a big life insurance policy just for her daughter :roll_eyes: he’s your bf not your husband if he’s ok with this foolishness leave them together and move on. Anxiety is common for everybody. People love to blame mental illness sounds like she’s just lazy. She can either choose to get help or be homeless

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Well you’ve been with a “boyfriend” with no ring for 20 years. Maybe focus on yourself.

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Good on you for speaking up drill it daily into both heads and your partner he needs to stand up for you and your son his committed to you and your child he needs to open up his mouth to speak and say something
Princess is in for a rood awaking in years to come rent utilities food shopping house work laundry helping her go bathroom does mum help here as well?
Gee’s

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She’s an adult lol. You are not responsible for her in any way, shape or form. I would make that clear to your boyfriend and his mom as well. If she has anxiety so bad she could always apply for jobs that she can work at from home. For example: Jet Blu customer service.

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Life of hard knocks. She’ll have to learn one way or another

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U been a girl friend for 20 years just move on he ain’t got nothing planned for his life either apparently

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She’s not your responsibility. And once MIL passes, shes still not your responsibility. It’s gonna be a hard reality check for her. Maybe talk your bf and see what he says and if he agrees with you, and how he feels about you saying something

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