My boyfriends sister is doing nothing with her life: Advice?

First I’d be sitting down with my boyfriend and having a discussion that under no certain terms is she going to be living with you, or you supporting her in the event that their mother dies. She is not you or your bfs problem. Even though that’s his sister, she’s a grown ass adult and can figure it out. Then I’d be having a serious sit down with the mother and daughter to tell them exactly the same thing. That you nor your bf will be financially responsible for her. Tell her that you’ll guide her though all the adult things she needs to do, but you will not give money to her, or allow her to live in your home.

She needs to go see someone. The more she takes the more she will take. Just because you have anxiety doesn’t mean you can’t have a full life. It’s laziness and her mom isn’t helping her a bit.

She needs a reality check!!!

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She is a grown adult who’s gonna learn the hard way when mommy goes. Not you or your boyfriend’s responsibility.

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Not your child…not your problem

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Being mad or upset about something before it happens only means your putting yourself through the worrying event 2x
Your comments on her anxiety is insane tho
Worry about you and you’ll prolly be happier

Sounds to me like you have a genuine concern for your boyfriend’s mom … and for your bf’s sister, as well as a concern that you and your bf will end up being responsible for her.

If she’s disabled with her anxiety to the point that she’s taking medication for her condition, and to the point that she can’t work to support herself, you might encourage her to apply for disability. If she’s approved, she’ll have her own way of supporting herself, her own insurance, etc., and it will take some of the burden off of her mother. It will also help build her self esteem to know she is trying to provide for herself.

I see a lot of statements here telling you it’s none of your business, stay in your own lane, etc., but it is your business if you and your bf are going to be saddled with the burden of taking care of her in the future. It’s also your business when you see the mom working herself to death to provide for her daughter … you have concerns for the mom & her health & her happiness. I can understand that you want to help make the whole situation better for everyone … which DOES affect you & your bf’s happiness.

Truly, though, it’s up to the mom to encourage the daughter to make improvements in her life. The old saying goes “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink”.

We have 2 grown sons, each with children of their own, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my kids or grandkids. I worry that one day, when we’re gone, they will struggle to survive without us . But I know they will survive. That doesn’t keep me from trying to do things to help them out now, while I’m still here & able to. The difference is that my kids don’t EXPECT me to support them. If I see them struggling, I help in any way I can to try to make their lives better … but I see them working their butts off & doing their best to try & make a life for themselves.

From what I’m hearing you say, with you, it’s a respect issue. The daughter isn’t even trying to do anything for her future, and she’s dragging the mom down with her. It’s hard to watch family members go through it, but there’s not a lot you can do, except encourage the daughter to make an effort to do something for herself, out of love and respect for the mom.

Good luck.

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You’re not responsible for her, nor is her brother. Stand your ground and tell him this is not an option. And yes, you’re worrying about something that isn’t here yet.

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Shes an adult and not your kid. Mind your business

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First off you have said your part, but nothing is changing.
Secondly… they will not change unless life becomes uncomfortable and they have to.
Thirdly… don’t waist your time on something you have no control over. You wi eventually have to address it if and when it falls in your lap.

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Maybe get her to get help with her anxiety…I have severe anxiety it cripping at times

Tough love is way past time and mom needs to stop be an enabler! My parents enabled 2 of my sisters and still would if they were alive, they were both in their 50’s our parents were in their 80’s. Left the mess for the siblings to deal with.

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As long as her mother allows it she’s going to do it. Not your responsibility. The mother needs to put her foot down and quit letting her behave that way.

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I would be telling my mother in law that she best be having really good life insurance.
She let this happen with out getting her daughter the mental help she needs now she needs too make sure she takes care of her after something happens.

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They’ve been boyfriend & girlfriend for 20 years …

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She can do on line school to get her diploma. My daughters been home schooled since 6th grade bc of severe anxiety and is getting ready to graduate. Theres also jobs she can do from home. My daughter does nails out of our hm does hair and make up for girls going to dances out of our hm and babysits.

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You are not responsible for her i would put foot down nope she’s not living with us

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Your BF needs to speak up

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Nothing you can do but refuse when the time comes.

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If she genuinely has extreme anxiety over work, to the point where she can’t do it, She needs to seek extreme immediate mental health help.

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You’re being an ableist cünt and need to shut up forever. How dare her disabilities not look how you expect them to right? How dare her functioning be not up to your standards, even though that isn’t your life and has absolutely nothing to do with you. Do the whole family a solid and either go to therapy or fucking leave.

User. It’s gonna be a sad moment when her mom is gone. But somehow these people still wind up with stuff. Some are just good at mooching handouts. Others would feel ashamed of themselves to take like that. she’s gonna have to bump her own head. Shame on her for taking her 67-year-old mother for granted. Some people don’t even live that long let alone be stuck with a ball and chain around their neck.

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Hell no. She is an adult. If she had issues that severe she could be on SSI/Disability. Sounds like her anxiety is “selective”. And I say this as someone who has severe anxiety, CPTSD, ADHD and other emotional issues… I suck it up and work 60+ hrs a week as a single mom because I know it’s what I need to do. Somedays are a hell of alot harder than others but I know it’s my responsibility.
She clearly has had her deadbeat lifestyle enabled to the max. Taking her in would only make her your problem. Your kids will grow up and graduate and she’d still be living in your basement.
I’m sorry, family is family but mooches are also mooches. No way in hell I’d take her in.

Your boyfriend should forewarn his mother that he has no intention of taking on a parasite -

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It’s not your place to say anything, and it’s not you who gets to decide what she does or what her family does. If her brother decides to house her, and the house is his/he pays the bills. You’ll have to either deal with it or leave, because it is not up for you to decide what he does or doesn’t do. You don’t have to spend a penny on her, you can tell your partner that you will not pay a dime on the bills, food for her, or anything else if she is living there. But it’s still ultimately his sister and you don’t have control over that relationship and how he decides to handle it.

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Let it go she obviously not listening but make sure it’s known that when mom dies you are absolutely not taking care of her

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Mind your own business.

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Definitely dumb I have really bad anxiety and still get my ass to work and I work in the most stressful job i am a nurse! So if I can do it as a 24 year old age can. Absolutely no excuse. I would straight up tell his mom and him hell no we aren’t even helping her out at all she can be a big girl and do it herself. I work too hard to help anyone else. I

Mind your business. She’s 24. Not your kid. If she can’t take care of herself that is HER problem, not yours

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Nothing is going to change. You and the boy friend have no comment cut and run or you will be supporting them both

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Young one, your house your rules. But seriously- anxiety can be tough but, if she can function in other non- familiar settings - maintaining a job shouldn’t be a problem. But until she finishes high school or get some type of training she probably won’t go very far. Sounds like she’s might have a thing or two more going on. From laziness to maybe - lack of self confidence- lack of motivation- it’s hard to say . But until her Mom puts her foot down ( or up the booty depending on Mom) you can’t really do anything, sweetie. Good luck

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No, you are not stuck between anything. Just simply tell her she’s not your responsibility ands she’s not moving in with you. If you don’t start it then you won’t have to stop it.66 years old and still supporting a free loader? What’s wrong with your mother in law? There’s nothing wrong with the free loader. She knows exactly what she’s doing!

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Not your life…not your business.

I would make it WELL KNOW N she was not going to live with me.
If her ANXIETY is REAL she can qualify for SS1 and monies to live on and assistance for school.

Tell Mommie and daughter to get cracking on it.

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Call a social worker, if mom can’t take care of her. The county can figure it out.

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Your mother in law said your boyfriend has to take care of her. Not you.

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U asked 4 advice…it’s none ya business…stay out of it n worry bout u & ur boyfriend

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Not your life. Not your problem…

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You’re talking to the wrong person. You should be asking your boyfriend where he stands on it. We all know the mother and sister won’t change right? So if you find out where your bf stands on it you will know what your future looks like. I would sit him down, hear him out, then be very straight forward with how I feel about it regardless of how he feels.

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So? She’s not your problem and no, you don’t have to take care of her when the mother is gone…

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Suggest she gets on disability and starts saving her money, or you go get a house separate from your boyfriend so you aren’t stuck when that day comes. She is her own responsibility but if the brother isn’t saying anything now nothing is going to change so figure out if you want to stay in the relationship

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As it is now, she isn’t your problem and the relationship she has with her mother really isn’t any of your business, that’s between them. I’d be very clear that the gravy train stops once their mother passes though. Tell both your husband and his sister that you will help her find a job or get her on disability if her anxiety is truly crippling, but you will not be her personal ATM.

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  1. BF of 20 years? :scream::exploding_head:
  2. Get her official diagnosis and see if she qualifies for any programs that can help her adapt. She may even qualify for disability. If not then it’s going to have to be tough love.
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Tell your boyfriends mother she better find a place for her daughter because you will not be helping her

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The “not your life not your business” here make me really regret following groups for help :skull::joy:

It clearly would be her problem when the mom leaves . So she’s asking for advice . Not for all you negative Nancy’s to come tell her not to mind about her future . Lmao

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Mind your own business at this point.Shes not your business.

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she’s not your problem or her Brother’s problem she’s chose this way of life she can do the same when the Mother is no longer here,she can get out & get a job & take care of herself,if she doesn’t like it too bad !!

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So don’t. Shes not your problem.

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Hell no I have anxiety everday but still have to provide. Bs she needs to get off her fake throne and be an adult. Smh get real

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Honestly you can’t force someone to do anything they don’t want to do, it’s not your place, but what you can do is stop enabling, don’t give her money or pay for anything for her, put your foot down and tell her no if she asks for anything. I have anxiety BPD and I’m autistic I can hold a job I can’t drive but I manage. Maybe one day her mom will get sick of being a door mat and finally stop enabling her, but that’s up to her.

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See what she’s good at and encourage her.

When the mother passes DO NOT TAKE HER IN! support her emotionally and be there if she needs help applying to places or needs advice but let her sink or swim it’s a big life lesson she needs to be forced to learn.

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Not your issue… When mother in law does pass just tell her you are not going to care for her.

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Not Your Problem,God forbid anything happens to her mother, but she’s an adult and will be finding her own way, Don’t worry be happy,?!!

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After 20 years, he’s STILL your boyfriend?

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The one you need to have a discussion with is your boyfriend. Make sure you’re on the same page about it, because that’s not something you want to find out when it becomes an issue.

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I haven’t walked in your shoes, and I am certainly no expert. But you are partially right, it isn’t your place…yet. However, the time may come when the mother is not able to take care of her. If the brother steps in, it will certainly be your place. I see the effects of anxiety in a family member I care for. It is real, and it is not always seen on the outside. Sometimes anxiety goes hand in hand with social habits and/or other diagnosis that can prevent someone from working. Maybe she could try a work from home job? I wonder if the mother has taken any steps to get some financial security and/or emotional support for her daughter. If it is officially diagnosed, with supporting documentation, she may be eligible for assistance. This can include housing assistance, such as living in a group home, and financial assistance. (Depending on the severity and other existing diagnosis, she may want to look into SSDI. Of course, if she does not have work history, that would affect any determination.) Maybe try and get the mother to look at available options. It is SOOOO much easier if you can look into things now instead of waiting until something happens to the mother. We learned the hard way by waiting until later in life to get assistance. It is also very important to go to a specialist and find out if it really is anxiety or if that is just a buzz word being used as an excuse for enabling her.

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First of all, it’s none of your business. Secondly, if it does unfortunately come to be that she can’t care for herself and the mom passes away, you don’t have to be her caretaker. Sounds like you and your boyfriend need to have a talk. If he is willing to take care of her after his mom passes and that’s not what you want, you should probably just break up now.

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Definitely look into see if she can apply for disability. That would help the mother out and take some pressure off. Then if she can get disability u can help her get on housing so she can get her own place. I’d start helping now or it will turn into ur problem later. Cuz u really don’t want to wait and chance playing with fire.

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Hope you haven’t combined finances with your boyfriend. If so, maybe start pulling back from that.

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All you can do is not let her in your home. She then will be forced to go to a shelter and get a job. They’ll help her there.

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Just make it clear to your BF and his family that should anything happen to his mom you will not be providing for a 24 year old… encourage her to get her GED and then MYOB not your problem.

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NOT your responsibility

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I would tell your boyfriend that you’re not taking care of his sister if anything happens. Simple as that. And then mind my own business

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Wow!! What does your boyfriend say? Moms old enough now to retire…the daughter/sister sounds coddled…personally I would say in response. .sorry but she is an adult she can get an income and care for herself! She isnt an invalid! Sounds spoiled or moms trying to make up for time missed! Definitely not her brothers problem or yours! Your a couple so a decision to be made between you both!

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If she’s still that way when something happens to her mother, dont fully support her.
Let her learn the hard way. Can’t expect a free ride ur whole life.

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Mind your own business. When the time comes let your boyfriend deal with it and if he doesn’t kick him to the curb

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She can get a part time job
…ultimatum…that’s the only thing that will work,

It’s not even your problem. If she is still doing nothing when the mother dies, it still won’t be your problem. She will have to figure it out eventually on her own and I’m sure she will. Hassling her is not going to do any good. Just let her be.

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That would be hard i know been there and done that. Im 70 and still fill im have to pay for my kid. And grand kids. Its hard if they need help your going to help them as long as u can

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No is a full sentence. You should be minding your own business. For instance why don’t you have a commitment after 20 years?

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Stay in your lane. If your bf says nothing, you say nothing. Have your bf talk to his mom and her together. Not your place and it will cause a riff. Your feelings are valid, ad that is the job of any parent to prepare a kid for life when then become an adult or they are no longer there. Best of luck. She should begin disability process…it can take years.

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Advice…its not your business and don’t get involved or push the subject with your boyfriend if you are. That never ever ends good.

Understandably you want to help, to see her moving forward. I have to say though, from my experience, talk to your boyfriend about it, let him know he has your full support on what decisions his mom and him make regarding the sister and then stay at arms length. It sucks, trust me, but sadly b/f and his mom are in a bad spot with this sister.

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Yes. She should begin the disability process. And nursing homes are not just for the “old” people. They are for people that can’t take care of themselves. They have nursing homes that have a rehabilitation facility as well. Yes she can stay there forever.

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20 years and your still a girlfriend…:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: why is it your responsibility…sometimes I swear these stories, or at least some are fake…your life appears to be perfect so tell others how to live theirs.

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That girl is not your responsibility tell her and her mother that and I hope your boy from backs you up

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Not your business. Stay in your lane

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Sounds like the whole family has problems with taking responsibility and being reponsible… Boyfriend 20 years… mom was missing… sister living off of mom.

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Say what you feel!!! She is not your nor your husband problem.

Trust when the mother goes or can’t work anymore she will grow up or find someone else to leach off if.

You also need to be on the same page as your husband do when the time does come it won’t be so awkward

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Not sure why you’re concerned about something that is literally none of your business.
I mean if the girl wanna live like she live she’s an adult and will learn the hard way when she doesn’t have her mom to fall back on.
Mind the business that pays you. Because this ain’t it sis.

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You have been with your boyfriend for 20 years?? Can’t think too much of yourself either. 20 years ??? You have no business criticizing his sister - - -. Refuse to support her when their mother passes - does bf work? Or are you supporting him too

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Leave it alone, she’s not your business. :joy::woman_facepalming:

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You know the saying… you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Don’t stress over things you can’t control.

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That’s her responsibility. Not yours.

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Not much you can do while the mother is around that’s her job. Once the mother can’t take care of her let the girl fend for herself. It’s called tough love for a reason

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None of your business at all stay out of it

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I would talk to bf and then see where it goes but you and him shouldn’t be paying her way

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She needs to grow up and have responsibilities this is part of her mother’s fault for allowing it

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To everyone who’s bringing up about her not being married to her boyfriend after 20 years. You think that marriage license of yours stops your husband from cheating?:joy:

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Let her mother deal with her. Eventually, her body will give out on her, and she won’t be able to continue to coddle this child. At that point, she will put her foot down or maybe she will pass away. Either way, reality for his sister is gonna hit hard. People deal with anxiety on a daily basis, but most of them can find a job that fits their needs and they can take care of themselves. With no high school diploma, it’s gonna be really hard for her to find anything. But, thats her problem, not yours. Her mother is an enabler.

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None of your beez wax. No ones asking you to support her now so it’s not an issue. You don’t get to dictate how someone else lives their life.

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You and your boyfriend need to be on the same page or his sister will be living with you guys. She’s not your responsibility but mom seems to think that brother has to pick up where she leaves off. You both have to agree or you may have to move on alone.

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Your still his girlfriend after 20 years :thinking::thinking::thinking::thinking:" so you’re not responsible for the lazy one " just make it clear to them Both :wink:

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Wait bf of twenty years???

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Don’t stress over things that are out of your control. She is not your responsibility and I would make it very clear to your boyfriend and his mother that she is not your child to care for, she is a grown woman and if she can’t take care of herself well it looks like she will end up on the streets.

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Who cares what she does now. Just make sure your bf knows you absolutely will not be letting her so much as even move in if heaven forbid anything happens to their mom though. Then forget about it.

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When mom dies she can be homeless. She’s grown.

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It’s none of your business and has nothing to do with you, so maybe butt out and let the family handle their own problems.