My daughter acts out when she comes home from her nanas

So my daughter is 9 and I’m having issues with her attitude every time I let her go to her nanas … little back story I used to have personal issues so my children lived with her for a while but they have been back in my home for a while now and I had stop letting them go to her house because of things she was doing I wasn’t liking so recently I’ve started letting my children go back to her house but now when my daughter comes back it’s just hell pretty much she refuses to do what I say if I ask her to do something she will roll her eyes at me and then act like she didn’t hear me speak to her and then she starts crying out of no where and then I’m having an issue with her nana because my daughter says when she goes over there then people are asking if she likes living at my house or if she’s happy and my daughter says it’s confusing to her I’m truly just lost on what to do

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My daughter acts out when she comes home from her nanas

First step, can you sit down and talk to her nana. Try to work things out. It has to be hard and confusing on everyone, they were being raised by nana. In my opinion a reason ppl would ask questions about living with you, is if nana wants to try for custody.

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I would control her exposure to that toxic environment. YOU are her mother, and sometimes mother’s make mistakes. But that doesn’t change the fact You are doing the best you can. Definitely get with her Nana and at least try talking things out. It very well could just be a child involved/not understanding adult business. It happens! If talking it out doesn’t help, let them see each other but just with you present. Taking Nana away for good or extended periods of time would probably do more harm than good, especially if they are close. You can’t control how others perceive you, but you CAN control the exposure your children have to those people. At the end of the day YOU are the parent.

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This is such a complicated situation and I don’t have any concrete solution that I can say will “fix” everything but I would start with therapy, for EVERYONE involved, nana very much included! I’ve been where you are and it’s a tough thing.

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Your poor sweet daughter needs to go to therapy. It sounds like she’s been through a lot. Poor girl. For the record she is the only one I feel bad for here.

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It IS confusing. Your daughter is probably used to living with Nana while you got yourself together. I truly think once you have yourself together though, your mom should push for you and your daughter to have that relationship and bond and WANT your daughter to live with you again. That’s what any parent should want, and do. Although, if daughter wants to go over, id say let her as much as she wants. It’s unfortunate, when your mother raises your daughter for a short or long period of time, then things are confusing for the kids and it hurts your heart obviously. I know with my kids, I would help hands down no matter what, but in the end I would want to see my children reunited with their child. All of you need therapy. She probably doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

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When she acts that way take away privileges

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I think you and Nana need to get on the same page. We don’t know the full story here as to why they lived with Nana and honestly it doesn’t matter. But Nana was there to step up when you couldn’t so I believe she should be respected. Clear respectful boundaries need to be set. And at all times the number one thing should be “what is best for the children”. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like something Nana does and if Nana doesn’t like something you (obviously within reason, excluding drugs, alcohol, ect) as long as the children are put 1st.

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Get her therapy. You’re muddling up her mind with this back and forth act. Nana was her home and guardian while you did whatever you needed to do.

Get her someone who can let her unbiasedly get this all out and figure out what and who is speaking.

Did anyone ask what SHE wanted before uprooting her back and forth?

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It’s simple. You stop the visits. Period. If Nana wants to see her, she can take her to lunch for 2 hours max, then she comes homes. She is undermining your parenting, don’t be surprised if she takes you to court to try to gain custody. She’s just first seeing if you will allow her to come back & live with her & trying to brainwash your daughter to do so. Tread lightly here, be careful & immediately gain control of this situation before it’s too late & gets way out of hand. She could file for emergency custody if your daughter, lie & say she’s not safe in your home, you’re on drugs & neglecting her & depending on your past the judge could but it & grant permanent custody to her. Then you have to spend tens of thousands of dollars paying an attorney to fight to get your daughter back. Do not allow that to happen. Protect your daughter & your sanity, cool the relationship with Nana. I do not trust her, sounds like a toxic & awful person. She’s trying to get your daughter to hate you& not want to live with you anymore. Make her pay an attorney to get court-ordered visitation if we’d be. You are her Mother, her parent & what you say goes. Stop the visits, maybe grant a short supervised visit in a month or so, only if your daughter really wants to see her. Personally, I’d block her for a year. This would make me very angry

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Therapy for this child. Seems she is cofused about where home is. The world isnt perfect 1 of mine goes to therapy also, as do i.

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You need to build some trust with your daughter you left her with nana to work on your issues then come back in the picture laying down rules and upsetting her life again I’m sure nana is worried and loves her very much and your gonna have to prove you are steady and reliable now

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This is so sad but often the case. When MY daughter went to her dads, her grandmother use to question her as to what went on in my home . I refused to do that - they took excellent care of her just as I did . It puts the child in the middle and makes them feel uncomfortable. Just ask the grandmother to please not question your child and you do the same . After all , it’s nice to have plenty of people around to love on your child .

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Since it is confusing I would cut out Nana’s house til kiddo can get counseling and more comfortable being home and correct her actions.

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Similar situation, my kids don’t feel comfortable because they feel they are being made to take sides n nana could comes off as if you don’t take my side then your outta the family, mines like that if you aren’t on there full side then your out :woman_shrugging: Ive decided for my kids mental health and ask mine plus to have them be successful in life and not have any extra added adult issues on them is to yea cut out the toxic source and yah it might not be that easy or if your afraid of hurting the other parties feelings but you will notice a change when she doesn’t go, I have noticed a massive change and it’s been slowing getting better had a set back cause someone wanted to go see them n came back attacking everyone in the house but since ive cut off her hole attitude in general has turned around and i though it woulda been years but it’s been really nice to see her on positive note a lot of the time now

I’d not let her go until her attitude changes. Not to be mean to her nana, but if her nana respected you she would also tell your daughter that if she doesn’t quit, she won’t let her come there. You are the parent. Your kid, your rules. Period.

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Growing up my grandparents were my safe haven. It was hell at home, always called names when I was home because of the drinking and drugs. I used to cry when I had to go home because I hated being there.

Have a calm conversation with her nana…is it your mother? My son lived with my mom for 2 years as a baby while I figured my problems out too and that was an issue but she ended up getting too sick for him to go to her house and she later passed away.

Do not take away what she knows. If nana was caring for her that what she knows. You have to build trust with her. Therapy will help. You uprooted her life of course she’s going to act out.

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Get her into play therapy! Should have already done that. Any child displaced from their home with parent needs it. Being removed from primary home is traumatic even if the home they go to is a known person/family. Your personal issues in the past also still effect the child as that was reason from removal. It is trauma not unlike the trauma foster kids go thru before, during and after. Because of the past her grandma asking question is normal and natural as she wants to make sure that your home environment is a healthy, safe place for a child. ALL of you getting therapy would be a good idea. You need to talk to grandma and let her know this is upsetting and confusing to the child and best left to a therapist which you are getting for her.

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Therapy my stepson is the same way he lived most his life at my in laws their mother would drop then off constantly while there dad worked 16 hr shift. It’s who has raised them and taught them she knows you’re the mom but Nana raised her that’s the confusing part

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She probably gets spoiled at Nana’s If nana cannot go by your wishes kids cannot go

it is very confusing for a 9 yr old, First she wasn’t living with you & now she is, You didn’t allow her to visit her grandmother with whom she was living with, now you are allowing her to visit, You don’t think all of this isn’t confusing to her??? Talk to your daughter, ask her how she is feeling about everything, How do you know, she isn’t worried you will leave her again??? She doesn’t’ need to know the full reason why, but talk to her, & it probably wouldn’t hurt getting her to see a therapist

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Therapy for her and therapy with you and her

No don’t stop her from going to grandma’s house but go get some therapy and all three of you go

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For all of you saying to cut out visits to the Nana’s house…what the hell is wrong with you? The mother was unable to care for her children. Her mother stepped in during a time of need and took care of her children. She loved them, bathed them, fed then, kissed their boo boos, took care of them when sick, helped them with homework, took them to appts, after school activities. This woman should never be cut out of their lives and if the mother attempts such a thing it is just proof that she doesn’t have what is in the best interest of her children at heart. What needs to happen is a conversation with the Nana. And then with her daughter.

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Get the both of you into therapy and do not cut out her visits with grandmother. Talk about developing abandonment issues in a child… That’s exactly what you would be doing. This is on all of you, the adults, to fix this. This isn’t her fault. I know the behavior is atrocious and it wears on your nerves but this is all because of you as much as I hate to tell you that. You have to accept it and go get help for the both of you

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Honestly just cut the nana off and get the child into some counseling, maybe she needs someone she can open up to and doesn’t feel comfortable.

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Time to stop the visits

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So the grandmother stepped in to be the mother for a while, the one who provided and cared for them, then they were cut off from seeing her. It can be difficult for a child to comprehend the situation of going from living with her nana to not being able to see her anymore and living with a new person. The environment at nana’s may be more comfortable for your daughter and that may be why she’s acting out. She definitely needs counseling to help her cope with the situation of what is going on.

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Limit the time frame she goes over there for. To like 2-3 hours. Just there to have fun and a little nana time. Shortening the visits should help lessen the confusion and give less time for those behaviors to instill before coming home.

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Stop letting her go over there… They’re already asking her if she’s happy living with you… Grandparents don’t have any custodial rights.
Cut out the confusion.

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Do not cut her Nana out of her life! I’m sure things were different when she lived with Nana, as Nanas tend to cater/spoil the Grands. Sounds like Nana is just making sure all is well at home. There were some issues before so she feels better knowing things are OK. All kids are out of sorts when they come home after being at Nanas, where they do no wrong and get everything they want. Never know when you might need Nana again.

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Okay everyone this is my post and I’ve read all of the comments some saying I should cut of her nana or I shouldn’t
… a little back story the lady they call nana isn’t my mom she’s was a lady who was willing to keep my children while I got myself together which is a sad situation no mother should ever put her children through but I can say I’m no where near perfect and I did the right thing by getting the help I needed but when I allowed my children to stay with her she knew I would be getting them back and once I got them back I stopped visit for a while because she was calling the cops on me for a well far check saying my children wasn’t being fed and then called dcf on me a few times trying to get the girls taken from me so yes I did cut visits off for a while one I was done with the cops being at my house two I’m the only blood my girls have that live in my state so if they was taken they wouldn’t even go to the lady who was helping take care of them and their father is no where to be found so my children would be put into the system and I’ve done everything to never have the state involved with my children my issues now is she literally asking my daughter if she would rather live with her or telling her that she should live with her and only see me on the weekends like before while I was getting myself together but when they was living with her she was trying to completely to cut me out of my kids life by not letting my children call me or telling me I wasn’t allowed to get them and was having me miss special holidays so I’m just lost on what to do and both me and my daughter are in therapy it’s just gotten so bad she’s taken my daughters phone from her when I let them go over their and turning off her location

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Just tell your daughter they only ask to make sure things are good, because they love her.

First off, they were living with her while you were getting your shit together so when they come back, you tell them that they can’t go see the one person who put her life on hold to take care of your kids? :neutral_face: Nana raised her babies, she didn’t sign up for this but did it. Be thankful, seriously. They could of ended up in foster care or worse. Your daughter rolling her eyes, etc has everything to do with growing up. All girls do this. Lastly, you don’t get to get upset when the person who took care of your kids, is asking your daughter is she happy, etc. It shows that she cares about your kids well being and just wants what’s best for them. Grow up and realize how lucky you are to have Nana, not many people have that.

Remember that grandma stepped in to take care of your children…she had to take over your role which would hav been hard for her…work WITH grandma and try and resolve issues as your very lucky to hav her…x

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Stop letting her go over there…just stop

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Family counseling gram includes. Need to work together

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Stop letting her go. That simple.

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Toxic grand parents- there is such a thing…keep her away unless you are there or emergency…

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So grandma was fine when you was going through some ish. Girl shake a leg.

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Be an adult and talk to your Mom.

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She’s 9. That’s what 9 year old girls do. If you stop her from seeing her grandma it’ll be worse. Buy her some pads, sounds like she is just being and average hormonal girl. Mine use to tell me “I’m calling grandma” I say call her, she ain’t gonna do nothing, that’s my mom.

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sounds to me like they filling her hear with things n they shouldnt be asking her those questions id stop letting her go unless they stop with the questions n stuff

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I find kids always do this is parental sharing…I lived with my daughter and grandchildren foremost 13 years…when they went to their Dads it took alittle adjustment time after to sorta of real them in back to reality after every visit…and also when the come see me…I’m like a second Mom instead of Grandma…please give them some space because sometimes they get things from others you don’t give them in A learning way…It takes a village to raise a child…

Stop letting her go there. It sounds like her grandma is in her ear and head and she’s reacting to the pressure of being in the middle.

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They’re probably asking if she’s happy with you to make sure you aren’t back on your old bullshit :woman_shrugging:
How dare they care about your daughter that they helped raise…and who was abruptly ripped out of their lives when you no longer needed them

She couldn’t been that bad of a nana to raise ur daughter when it should have been your job as a mom …I could just imagine why your daughter lived with nana

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Limit visits. And hour or 2 is long enough.
Then, get everybody in therapy. Including your mother. If she won’t go, stop visits until she does.
You must have a talk with your 9 year old. Talked TO her, not AT her. Get her a notebook & let her write to you if she can’t verbalize it.

Family meeting time , first adult involved meet and then whole family. Set ground rules and present a untied front .

The adults need to sit down and chat and work out things. And it doesn’t have to be comfortable nor confrontational. Just straight forward “we all need to be on the same page with the kids” kinda talk.

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Wow most of the women on this page are so judgemental and ignorant its sad. Ive seen multiple posts now where you guys all just are nasty people, this isnt a support group, whoevers asking should seek advice elsewhere. Its like 2 good comments with actual advice to every 10 uppity bigots smfh

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It’s her age but nicely have an un accusatory conversation with your mom.

If she’s not really related to you or your kids and they just call her Nana, it’s time to cut her off completely. Thank her for being a friend when you needed one but now she’s causing more harm than good and let that be that.

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Gross toxic behavior for the fathers god mother, not even mother, to be trying to convince your daughter to live with her behind your back. She did you a favor yes but she’s exploiting your daughters emotions now and that is super unhealthy and unfair to your child. CUT HER OFF YESTERDAY.

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Maybe she has established a bond with her grandma thats shes yet to establish with you…but what ppl are asking her questions? Family or just busy bodies . Does she want to go there or not.grandma musnt be too bad if she took your kids on…think theres a bit more to this story…

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To me it would be cut and dry: no more nanas house unsupervised.

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you should listen to to your mother

maybe she wants to go back & live with nana? :woman_shrugging:

Grandparents relationships are important! I speak with this one and explain the issues you are having, and going forward you go with her to visits because if something you don’t lime is said while you are there you can shut it down however people like this generally don’t say this to your face. Be the bigger person throughout that will annoy them more, you have obviously worked hard to get your kids back, don’t let someone like that ruin it!! Good luck :+1: x

Some of you are really quick to say cut all ties with Nana. What about these children who lived with her and how they may feel about no more contact with some one who stepped into a parents role at a time when these children were probably very confused. I would say that maybe this little 9 year old is possibly torn between two people that she loves. That is hard and confusing for an adult let alone a child. This child is probably a little upset and torn from that little back and forth. Talk to her about her feelings. You might be surprised how mature what she has to say is.

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we treated my dad like that when he came home from being deployed…we were used to mom’s rule and listening to 2 people bossing you was hard to get back used to…they will come back but it make take a little while…it happened to dad each time he had to leave…him and mom had to work together…your mom could help…

You have the answer. Keep the child with you,if she continues being naughty at your home

This is very confusing for her being bounced around and her hormones are kicking in. Just sit down and calmly ask her what’s going on. Don’t be surprised or judgemental if she wants to live at her Nanas house after all she’s used to it. Tell her she has to earn the privileges of her phone tv,or friends coming over and that means talking to you in a calm adult voice. May help to get her some counseling because she may be expecting you to dissappear again :pray: Not blaming or shaming you but children don’t understand at her age why she had to go live with her Nana. Explain this to her in an age appropriate way and maybe that will help, also some mother daughter quality time once a week without distractions can go a long way :wink: good luck to all of you. Please don’t put her Nana down in front of her or take her Nana completely away, this would break her heart and trust in you.

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Welcome to preteen life. My 9yo is the same way sometimes. Testing boundaries trying to figure out this new stage in life. Nana may or may not be part of the problem. Just stay firm & consistent. You’ll get past it.

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Right now I bet her hormones are all over the place. Confusion from going from house to another combined with that alone is overwhelming for a kid. And don’t say a 9yr old is too young to be hormonal. Mine was for a yr then she started her period 2 weeks after her 10th birthday. Fun dramatic times let me tell ya. She cries when we ask her to do anything. Gets frustrated so easy. And the talking back makes me wanna tape her mouth shut.

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Have a one on one talk with nana and explain you want everyone to be able to love your daughter and spend time with her but everyone needs to be on the same page. Explain what you need and want. In the end you are the parent and your daughter needs to listen to you to be able to continue to see nana. Let nana know the issues you are having and perhaps nana can talk to your daughter and remind her that everyone loves her and it is ok for her to love everyone but she needs to respect you and your rules.

I’d have a talk with Nana and explain to her what is going on. Don’t point the finger at her but just let her know that if things don’t change then the visit may have to change.

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Anytime my grand daughter doesn’t obey her mother or is disrespectful I immediately say something to her. So if your mom isn’t doing that she should be.

If your mom is crossing boundaries than you need to stop letting your kid go over there.

Keep her at home for a bit while you speak to the grandma about stop asking her.

She’s with you now and they need to respect that.

What are your personal issues you’re not telling us about yourself that maybe the actual reason. This isn’t enough to go by a bit too vague

I’d have a serious talk with her…