QUESTION:
"I have a 12yo daughter. She has a lot of friends, but most of them are quite immature like she is and silly. Anyway, she's friends with a 12yo boy and a few of her girlfriends; she and one of her girlfriends and this boy have gone to the city today. A huge thing for me to even agree too but she has had a great day out with them, she is having her girlfriend stay the night, which is fine, of course, but she's sent me a text asking if this boy can also sleepover tonight. And I've completely flipped out. Mine flipped out isn't screaming or yelling, but I feel it inside. Instead, I just sent a text back saying how disappointed I am and how I cannot believe she would even ask such a question. She now thinks it's unfair and can't believe I'd be so angry about it. So I've then told her she now can't have her friend stay the night either as she's got some serious thinking to do. I'm beyond upset about this. How on earth could she think it's okay for a BOY to sleep the night with two girls in one room???!!!!! How would anyone agree to this? It is so unsafe and just unbelievable. I've told the other girl's mum that I'm sorry, but I can't have her over tonight now as my daughter is grounded. But the other mum seems to think I'm unreasonable?! I mean, come on! Someone, please back me up here. How could I not react this way? How could any parent not be upset and angry over this?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
"You grounded her for ASKING?? Sorry, but that’s nuts. She will remember this, and never ask you a question again."
"She asked permission. You could’ve simply said no honey, and given a couple of reasons why. Or don’t give reasons just say no. Instead, you caused her to feel shame for wanting her FRIENDS (regardless of gender, because let’s not assume anything heinous would have happened) to spend the night. Maybe try being a bit more gentle with your child so they feel comfortable coming to you in the future to ask permission instead of hiding it."
"I honestly think you’re overreacting. However, we all parent differently. I also probably feel this way because I have a daughter and son who are 14 months apart so they often have friends stay over and the girls sleep in one room and the boys sleep in a different room. At 12 they’re still young and innocent and I’m sure she honestly didn’t even realize there would be an issue as she sees both of them as her friends. End of the day letting the boy stay over or not is your call as momma but I do think you overreacted when it came down to now not letting her girlfriend stay over and grounding her. I’m sure her asking was super innocent and excited."
"I absolutely wouldn't be ok with that either, but punishing her for asking and not just telling her no and the reason why is an extreme overreaction.
I realize you want her to be safe. But you doing that will only make her not want to come to you about things and you'll only put distance between the two of you."
"You completely overreacted. You should have sensibly explained your reasons to her. She probably would’ve understood and still get to enjoy her night with her girlfriends. Instead, you crushed her confidence in being open with you. You should apologize to her for overreacting & tell her how you could’ve better handled the situation."
"If you ground her and express your disappointment in her for asking for permission she will regress and sneak behind your back before you know it. This was an opportunity to learn that she can always come to you and ask but not always expect the answer yes.. now she may not ask for permission again."
"You 100% overreacted. A simple "no" would have sufficed. You've not only grounded her for asking permission but you've humiliated her. She's 12 for goodness sake. If you continue to have reactions like this every time you disagree with your daughter, she is never going to feel safe talking to you about the important things."
"Your reaction was bad. You can say no without doing it like this. Definitely overreacted to shame her like that. Take the time to think about your own actions too. Children are children until they’re taught differently and you’ve just taught her boys are inherently bad. You could’ve supervised the sleepover without any incidents.."
"Your response was definitely unreasonable. You can say no without having a full-blown meltdown and grounding her. The only thing you’re teaching her is that it’s easier to just do and not ask permission. She may have not thought anything about it and you could have calmly informed her on why the answer was no without completely canceling her sleepover with the other girl. You are going to create a very sneaky child."
"She just learned to never ask you for or even talk about the bigger stuff. You lost your sh*t bc you assumed. A simple "no" would of worked. You need to apologize before it's too late."
"Seems ridiculous you’d tell your 12-year-old daughter you’re disappointed in her for coming directly to you with a question she probably expected either a yes or no answer to. And then to ground her for it? That’s too much. You’re being overbearing and all you’re teaching her is that she’s gonna have to go behind your back out of fear of your reactions. So yeah you’re being unreasonable with the way you handled it."
"You just destroyed any trust she had in you. She asked a question, an innocent question, and you told her you were disappointed in her…..for wanting to spend time with a friend. She isn't looking at it as a possible sexual scenario. You're the one that went there. The thinking she did afterward was "why is my mom disappointed in me for wanting to have fun?" Grounding her on top of it….yeah, that's irreparable damage to your relationship with her. You overshot this one, Mom, by about 10 miles."
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