I finally escaped my abusive husband in Nov. I finally got my own place right before Christmas. I am on SSI and so I am home all the time. I have 2 boys that are 2 and 4. My 4-year-old is horrible and I don’t mean the typical 4-year-old horrible. He purposely hurts his brother and animals. He threatens me several times a day whenever he doesn’t get his way. He constantly raises his fist at me and says “do you want me to beat you mom” His temper tantrums last hours and are usually violent. He does not sleep at night but maybe a couple hours. Then he gets up and is into all kinds of things. One night he got up and got into my brand new makeup and ruined it all. He then somehow got ahold of my bleach kitchen cleaner and sprayed it all over. He then went into the kitchen and got everything out of the cupboards. I hardly sleep anymore because I am worried that he will get into more dangerous things and hurt himself or his brother. He has sent his brother to the er several times. I am doing this completely alone. I have no family or friends. I have no help I am with my kids 24/7. We are now waiting for an appointment for my 4 year old to be seen to get tested for ADHD, ODD and a few things but it will take about 90 days to get an appointment. My 2-year-old is now starting to act out. I’m at my wit’s end. I’m so close to having a mental breakdown because of my 4-year-old. I guess I am just needing to vent. If you read all of this thank you. I am trying my best to improve our lives. I am a full-time online college student and I just feel like a complete failure as a mom.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My four year old is scaring me
Seek help/therapy now
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Definitely get to the Dr and therapy.
Get him in therapy. Like a child’s behavior theripist would be a great help. Also, get yourself into therapy.
Im so sorry you are bein g hurt,He really needs intervention,please have him checked for Autism and im sure there will be help available for all of you.We have been in this situation and it definitely takes it toll on you.Wish you all the best.
You are not, and never will be a failure. Please seek therapy for your son and yourself. You can make it through this.
I would try Behavioral therapy and counseling as well. Especially if you were in an abusive relationship. I’m sorry you’re going threw that, it does get better
That’s not adhd or odd that’s a behavioral issue
Did he witness any of that behavior from your husband?
You are not a failure at all by any means. I have gone through similar things with my children, if you need to talk, please message me.
If you are ever in fear of your child’s well being, take them to the ER and request a psych evaluation. Do not let this be chalked up to temper tantrums. It is not easy, I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
You also need to look into counseling for yourself and both boys. The damage done to all 3 of you is horrible, but with work can be helped. I moved away from everyone and everything I had ever known with my 2 girls when they were 1 and 3 to get away from an abusive relationship. It has been 23 yrs now, it took lots of time and patience, but we are all okay.
Don’t give up on either of them. No matter how much you tried to hide the abuse, they knew something was wrong and they could sense it.
Take him to your pediatrician immediately tell them of the behavior. Therapy helps . If they tell you 90 days try finding one on your own I found one o. Psychiatrytoday.com
You are not a failure!!! YOU ARE NOT!!!
Baby if you just left an abusive relationship, he’s probably seen A LOT!
Have you reached out in the community and maybe met some other women that are single mamas?
I really wish I could just hug you and tell you that this two shall pass.
prayers and hugs sent from Texas!
And do not let that creep into your mind again, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! You have a shitty hand of cards and you are doing your best to play them!
First of all you are not a failure. Try behavioural therapy/counseling.
They could be mimicking the behaviour of your ex partner too.
you need help…you can not do this alone.
My 4- year is in counseling
Because his daddy has anger issues.
I see him act out verbally too.
But he’s not getting into all the things your child is.
I’m glad you are trying to help him. I hope it gets better
Family counseling should help. He’s still young so there’s hope to change his temper. I’m glad you left and are safe
Has he witnessed this behavior from your husband? That might be a cause of it. Definitely behavior therapy
I would try to get him into a facility for a bit. Not only for him to get the help he needs, but for the safety of your younger son. Also respite for you.
I’m living the same life!!!
Get him into therapy, they can help with some of these things.
This isn’t your fault, you aren’t a failure and it’s not his but I’m sure it’s extremely overwhelming and exhausting and scary as a mom. It sounds like he needs behavioral therapy. There may be more going on but I would definitely start there. Also if the sleep and behaviors coincide, they may be heightened due to the lack of sleep and thr stress on his little body and brain. I would think a pediatrician would consider melatonin to at least see if it would help him get some sleep and then tackle what’s remaining of thr behaviors w some behavioral therapy
He may need a therapist maybe he saw his dad do it and thinks it’s how he is supposed to behave. Did dad abuse him? Look into bipolar disorder, and other psych disorders.
Most this shit is normal dont ever feel bad when your doing your best. you got this been there done that if it ever gets so bad walk away breath .
I’ma be honest, you’re only failing him because you waited so long to seek help. This behavior didn’t start over night. If you’re that scared of him baker act him and don’t let him come home until he is receiving the help he needs.
You’re better than me cause I would have spanked that ass a long time ago and he would be in his lane by now.
You aren’t a complete failure, this broke my heart that you think this of yourself and I don’t even know you but I do know how this feels. I don’t mind if you pm me. But you will probably have to comment here so I know that you did because my setting are weird and I likely won’t get it. You aren’t alone, mama.
Take the time to come back stronger
Research Child of Rage
You’re doing a good mommy keep it up
My 3 year old is exactly this way. I tired therapy, they said there’s nothing they can do. So I’m still here struggling. He actually hit his teacher the other day. It’s horrible and I have no clue how to stop it.
Lifes rough for all of us
You can not wait 90 days, he needs to be seen on an emergency basis ASAP. He is a threat to himself and others, they will do something immediately. I know it’s scary and I feel for you so much but you will all make it through this!
That’s not typical ADHD/ODD behavior. He needs psychiatric care, not just counseling. I’d definitely be getting him in somewhere asap because from the information in your post, it’s just a matter of time before someone ends up severely hurt.
lots of prayers God always is with you i will be praying for you
Pay attention 2 our young ones they are our future
Therapy, separate the siblings and lots of 1:1 with your 4 year old. Have conversations with him throughout the day to develop his understanding of hurt, empathy, and joy in doing good deeds
You left an abusive relationship where your child is mimicking what he has seen/heard. You have all been through trauma and need counseling to get past this. When you meet for his assessment, Ask about PCIT (parent child interaction therapy) that will help you A LOT, along with actual talk therapy. Best of luck! Don’t give up and focus on learning and gaining help from the professionals. Nothing is wrong with seeking help
You are NOT a failure. I will be praying for you and your boys. This is a season, don’t get discouraged - you are making GREAT decisions for all of your futures!
You are not a failure and allowed to be overwhelmed. Parenting is so tough! Ages 2 and 4 are tough! Doing it alone makes you a rock star! I would try to minimize any an all risks, locking up all chemicals and making your room inaccessible. Never ever leave alone with animals for his safety and the animals. If you can I would put a baby monitor or camera explaining to him it is to keep everyone safe. Absolutely talk to your pediatrician asap and share how concerned you are! The four year old is very different than the adult brain so I think we can see those behaviors and think the extreme. Behaviors can come from trauma, ADHD, the kiddo feeling hurt etc. You are not a failure
When my kids were small I was violently attacked and they were with me. One of my sons acted out with anger. Get counseling it is common I think for kids to act out in anger to things like this. Sure he saw you and your husband and he does not know how to act his fears out. Get help. Anger control therapy
Try Pre-School/Kindergarten an environment with other children may help him
You need to get both kids into therapy. They have been exposed to the abuse so they don’t know what they are doing is wrong no matter how you try to explain it. They need a professional that works with kids to talk to them and help.
This post screams autistic to. My youngest (7) is autistic & so much of this I have been through over the years. Autistic children often mimic behaviors they have witnessed, so if he witnessed you being abused (verbally or physically) that’s very likely why he is saying those things. Have you spoke to his pediatrician? If they can’t get you in somewhere faster, take him to the ER.
Same situation basically. She is now 6 but I was able to get her into therapy at 4. I highly suggest therapy as it helped quite a bit. It still isn’t easy but it has helped. Once she turned 6 they were able to do the actual adhd testing and they put her on meds before she was 6 but insurance gave a fit about paying for it until she was able to get the actual diagnosis not just adhd like behaviors they had to put before. It has also helped she’s now on a mend for the adhd and a mood stabilizer to help with the rest that comes from the odd and trauma she has endured and all that. But I very strongly suggest starting with therapy until you are able to get him in for testing and stuff.
Take a belt to that boys ass !!!
First, I am sorry you are going through all of this. My advice is, If you are close to a childrens hospital. You can take him in for psychiatric evaluation ASAP. They should be able to get you into a facility quicker. If not the closest ER. Waiting 90 days, there’s no way to know what can happen in the mean time. Safety first. I hope things get better. It’s always a long road. Hugs
First of all, you are NOT a complete failure as a mom. You are an amazing strong survivor mom. Your son is just mirroring the environment you had with your ex husband . That’s 100% normal all kids mirror behaviors it’s how they learn. You’re doing the right thing by getting him evaluated so he can get the help he needs. You might want to look into a program called early intervention. They come to your home and work with him on all different skills like anger management and OT . I think it will be helpful because it will be in your home setting . He won’t have the confusing of well I do a b c at the office not home
I second the ADHD but also ask about conduct disorder. My son had both and what you’re describing is exactly what I was dealing with.
They have my son on Ritalin and Welbutrin and the results are pretty good. Try to get him seen ASAP and evaluated.
Too many red flags here. Sorry you are experiencing this, but his behavior needs to be seen by a doctor. It’s sounds pretty serious. You mentioned he hurts animals as well that’s a big concern bc he’s already moved on to hurting others. He needs help ASAP
One practical, possibly, idea: can you make the 4 year olds room safe, and lock him in at bedtime? Sleep outside the door even to make sure he’s ok. If he can get into things and isn’t sleeping, that would be safer until your therapy and other services can get started. Best of luck to you, 4 year olds aren’t easy in the best of times!!
Your child probably witnessed the abuse or maybe was a victim too and needs help to process it. Try searching counseling for domestic violense victims, maybe theirs free or reduced reources out there. Also, keep the 2 year old away from the oldest as it is not safe. Make sure your oldest knows you love him and this behavior is not ok and youre sorry.
You are doing great. It takes courage to get as far as you have. Start going to church. You’ll be amazed how a church family will help. You and your boys need therapy. It’s not too early to get him in. This may sound crazy but, Vitamins may help. My son has ADHD but, I refused to medicate him. There are vitamins that. An calm him and even help with sleep. Vitamin D3 and magnesium and I believe niacin. Niacin is also for the mind. There are studies if people who are Bipolar and it cured it. They were misdiagnosed so that’s not a cure but they discovered that low niacin levels cause brain chemical imbalance. You can Google all this if you like. Ask his pediatrician for a full Vitamin Panel. God bless.
there’s a program called NorthStar where an in hime therapist will come in for free to your home multiple times a week and assist you with parenting hard children …
there are so many recourses out there, meds might not even need to be a thing. just relearning things and doing it together with love . we did a year of intense therapy and it was worth it. each child was in therapy and then the in home therapy
Girl you saved your life’s. You are an incredible person and mom. You need to have parent time outs as well as get your kid on melatonin for sleep. Also counseling will be a huge step into getting more resources and helping you. I’ve got a kid with autism who is a challenge and acted out some what like that. He’s 8 now I’m still trying to get help. The pandemic ruined a lot of stuff for him. I hope you find some help for him soon
Dont be so hard yourself… you took them babies out of a violent environment… keep your head up and pray things will get better…
Counselling for you both. Reading this i relate to soo much.
So from my experience, it was jealousy of the younger sibling, and the destroying your stuff was resentment for the other parent being gone (possibly blames you if he knows you put your foot down and told the abusive partner to leave). The rest is anxiousness they have from all of it - the split up etc.
So things that really helped us were giving my older child lots of praise (and at first she would get so mad and rip up a picture if i said it was beautiful, but just keep praising until tbey finally know you mean it!!).
Next was giving them lots of choices. So they felt more in control. And quickly redirecting bad behaviour and saying “ok we arent going to do that” then say why and move on to something fun. Punishment didnt work for us. No time out or taking things away would help .
Lots of one on one with the older child make as much effort as possible to do things even small things with just them.
2 years later my child is now 6 turning 7 and its like night and day.
It will be okay!! Find a local child abd youth counselor it will help ease your mind and give you some tips
If you want to message me you can.
There are so many little things you can do that will help you got this
And i bet you could use an ear from a counselor bc i gaurentee you have been though some trauma that you’ve set aside bc youre a busy mom.
You wont regret askinf for help even if its just a phone call with one! Sending positive vibes
Hate to say it but get them in karate.
You are not a failure or a bad mom. You definitely need to get help for your son. Talk to his pediatrician and find the right doctor for him as soon as possible
You are not a failure. Everyone needs help from time to time. There is some great info already posted but to me this is an anger issue. A child behavior therapist could assess him.
Stay strong your not a failure love and if your kids have seen the abusive behaviour it has triggered things maybe.x
You know maybe just making set schedules for things like bedtime and stuff can really help. Get him to help you make a plan and work on it together with a chart and stickers and alot of patience and love… Name the behaviours like ranting or acting out and have a consequence that is appropriate and do able like calm down and say your sorry, it is not okay to talk like that. Catch him being good and reward him with lots of love and trinkets and take a parenting class like how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk… Sounds like you all have been through alot. You will work it out . .
Depending where you are. Ask for a nursery nurse through HV/ i did and got alot of help for my son
He is copying learned behavior.
Call the pediatrician and ask for sleep aid.
Lock up everything you can at night. Put important items in your room. And have your youngest sleep in your room at night until his behavior is better.
My brother in law was like this when he was a kid. It was terrible. My in laws didn’t sleep or go out. Ever. Because nobody wanted to babysit him. He was so bad. They had him tested and the doctor said he was having intellectual seizures. He suggested turning his door knob around on his bedroom. The lock on the outside. When he would go into those temper tantrums they would put him in his room and lock the door. He would have it out on his own until he calmed down. Then they would talk to him. Get him in an extra activity that makes him use a lot of energy. Get him around other people. He needs space. You need space. Your other child needs space. All he knows is what he’s seen. And you got him away from that. That’s the best thing you could have done for your kids.
You need to talk to his Dr ASAP. Also, get him into some kinda counseling if you can afford it. Maybe call dfs and ask them what to do. I know that’s not ideal, but you guys need to be safe, and yes he’s 4 but trust me he can do damage.
This is an emergency due to your other child being in danger. Go to the ER and report it that way.
call a womens shelter ask for help
Watching Super Nanny gave me some great tips with my toddlers and teenager. Not all bad actions from kids need medication or counseling (depending on the situation). My son was very naughty and a handful also. It was hard to put my daughter down most days because he would be mean to her. I don’t have family or anyone to help or turn to, Super nanny really helps with a verity of things with the kids.
Sending you hugs. Your son needs to be evaluated for schizophrenia. Do you know if his father or anyone in his father’s family suffered from this?
Emergency mental health services are available. Not for you, but him.
Have you got him tested for autism? My son is autistic and he was like that when he was little. He’s alot better now. Do you own the home? What I did was cut his bedroom door in half and have the top part removed and for his safety shut it at night so I could look over and keep a eye on him. If he’s assaulting you’re two year old then he should never be alone with the boy, not even at night to sleep. I hope not but one day you might wish you had never left them alone because something bad could really happen.
You are NOT a failure as a mom. You are very loving and seeking ways to help your children whom you truly love. You have received many suggestion which may or may not address your problems. I would recomeend4
Your sons are dealing with trauma they need counseling. There are places that offer that kind of help even for children. If you cant find out who to call you can call your local police non emergency number they might have the person to call or even call children’s protective services tell them the situation ask them if they could recommend a place to get the counseling your boys need and the counseling you need. A place called Alternative to Violence of The Palouse helped me and my kids. I pray you get the help now and that your boys stop the violence.
Tell doctor it is an emergency situation for your safety and your children’s safety
Please stay open and know
That you may need several opinions. Emotional
Issues are not always diagnosed correctly at first. Don’t give up
He is acting this at because it’s why he has seen. You both need to see a counselor for seperate sessions and for the 2 of you. Abuse causes trauma even if he just had to see and hear it. That plays a bigger role than some people may think. My best suggestion for night time would be to have the 2 year old with you and have a baby monitor and devise a plan that agree with to keep him in that room at night. For both the kids safety.
No hate but when I was young there was no such thing as add…we got the flogging if a lifetime had to lay on our stomach for a week and respected what our parents said… because we lived in fear. I’m not saying flog the kid but there are some good discipline and respect techniques that maybe you could use
Sending prayers your way
id be disciplining it out of him and telling him that acting like his dad isn’t attractive or cute. or straight up send him to some kind of correctional place.
Trauma doesn’t just affect us, it affects our kids too. He doesn’t know any different and may need some counseling to move past the past. Hugs mama.
Trauma. PTSD. Emergency mental health services. My daughter was in a similar situation when her brother passed away, she had no way of understanding the pain she was feeling and so expressed it in the only way she knew how to. This sounds very similar. Good luck, it will get easier I promise, I would also suggest pre school maybe so that you both have a breather xx
I would seek psychiatric help asap. Finding a decent psychiatrist or possible treatment center may be needed. I would be very concerned due to multiple ER visits. The documentation of those incidences should be able to help you to get help sooner.
Okay, sounds like your littles have been exposed to some hard things. I wish I could just talk out my response since I have a bunch of suggestions…bottom line, spanking will likely make it worse so stay away from that. Get hooked up with a child psychologist well-versed in child trauma. His emotional dysregulation could be a number of things. Check with your local Department of Health, Zero to Three programs, Easter Seals and DV shelters. Even if you don’t need shelter, they could probably hook you up with resources. Lastly, you went through trauma yourself so get yourself support. You did well, mama. You got you and your babies to safety.
Untell YOU get the guts to stand up to the kids. And show theam who is boss. You are a fallyear.
Take him to the er for physic evaluation. That way he can start getting help sooner. I would do it sooner than later
It is not ezary but the longer you wate the harder it will be.
Spank their little butt and tell them not to speak that way to you and do those things. Time out and use punishment take away toys etc.
Lock up all the chemicals and start putting ur foot down when he talks crazy.Tell him your gonna spank that behind of his if he keeps it up.
Ask about pandas -a condition
Ask about any if his current meds
Mirlax can cause behavior issues
I’m put some sort of barrier in front of his door so he couldn’t get out and let him know that sh#t doesn’t fly with me he needs to know who’s boss
Ask Jesus into your heart and let him lead you and guide you.
The fact you are worried about being a failure as a mom means you’re NOT a failure. This sounds to me like a lot of trauma being carried. You guys just escaped a toxic situation it’s going to take lots of time to heal from for all of you. The abuse didn’t start overnight and the recovery certainly will take time too. Children often mimic the behaviors they see/hear when they are experiencing emotional disregulation. He has witnessed this being used as a tool for coping with large emotions, and he does not yet have the tools to choose other options. The fact he is using words to explain his actions is great though as awful as that sounds! Because then he can use words as a tool instead of violence with lots of work and coaching! If you guys aren’t already, I think counseling would be good for all of you. Doing some sort of constructive physical outlet for him might be beneficial too. Such as gymnastics, boxing, even just exercise videos in the house if that is a possibility for you guys. I am sort of reading between the lines here, but many of us that are abused in adulthood were also abused in childhood as well. Myself included. That can really be triggering for you too as both you and your son work through recovering from these abuses against you. I also highly highly recommend a book for adult and child survivors of abuse. It’s called Healthy Parenting. It’s FABULOUS for victims of abuse that become parents themselves. It will give lots of great tools for overcoming this atrocity that was committed against you guys. I’m so very sorry you are going through this. It’s not your fault and it will get better. if you EVER need someone to vent to, chat with, or just listen, I am here for you. I mean that too. you’ve got this!
I’m guessing your son witnessed the abuse
And has been conditioned into thinking that is normal
And that’s how you are supposed to treat women
Sadly your 2 yr old will follow in his foot steps unless this behavior is stopped asap
This is called learned behavior
You need to punish and enforce disiplins for his actions
I’m wondering if this would be a case for Super Nanny
To help with some ideas and strategies that will help you regain your control
Especially as your 2 yr old has had multiple trips to hospital
Just from reading your post
I’m worried for
A you , your child and the animals
B I’m worried the hospital will eventually( if they haven’t already) call CPS
The hospital may start asking you some pretty important questions
I’m so sorry your going through this
Without any family to turn to
Thank God you found this group
I’m sure we can become your support
Even if we are in different countries around the world
Start popping butt…send him to different room to sleep and put up baby gate so cant get out at night. Benadryl in sippy at night. Calms anxiety as well. Will wake up less wound up. You HAVE to stand up and show kids who is the adult and in charge. My toddler started hitting and throwing things and jumping on her sister…who is 7…sometimes hurting her. Got her out of all that quick with popping the butt and sending her to her room and closing her in for a 15 minute time out each time she did it…locked in her room with a baby gate. She would throw a tantrum at first,then calm down and watch her cartoon and sip her sippy until i let her out. Got super sweet after that. Kids need discipline. Get them on a good schedule too. Sit them down for art time together each day,cartoon time,outdoor play…keep them busy. Get them playing with toys together…building blocks,wooden train set,things that can build together and do together to get more of a bond going. Make sure you are treating them equally and keep them busy to take their minds off any past trauma. Slowly can work up to taking them to park to play with other kids,but he needs to get to where plays nice with his brother first. He gets mean…gets sent to his room away from all the fun activities for time out and unwinding. Needs the one on one time with you and his brother. Sounds like just emotionally stressed and possibly saw some things between you and your ex that he needs to learn is not ok behavior.
Sounds like my autistic son
He might be mimicking what his father did, which could be his way of either maintaining what was up until recently, his normal or it could be him trying to process the past trauma and make sense of everything, or it could be a sign of a shared mental health disorder with his father. Either way, he needs some serious therapy as do all of you to heal and to recover from all of that. I wish you the best of luck and get his name on the books. 90 days is better than several years.
Honestly maybe trying to get him in a mental health hospital setting is what he might need for quicker care. I remember being in the state hospital and seeing little kids having behavioral issues and their parents sent them there. It was safer for all parties
Hi babes- if these harming his brother and animals you should bring him to ER for a psych evaluation
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re clearly doing everything you can by getting him evaluated. A psychiatric evaluation and therapy is the best way to go. Coming out of an abusive relationship is traumatic for you and the children. Disciplining him physically will likely make the behavior worse, especially because he’s already using violence as an emotional outlet. You’re doing an amazing job, please don’t think otherwise♡
I saw a previous comment mention taking him to the ER for an emergency evaluation. If you feel he’s a danger to himself or others I suggest this as well. I wish you all the luck in the world♡