My husband and I are not intimate: Advice?

Wow… this is possibly the most cynical thread containing some terrible advice!!!


Sounds like an excuse to me


It’s probably because he’s so used to his hand that he’s no longer deriving pleasure from where he should be deriving his pleasure, which is you.
I wouldn’t stick around with someone like that.


Other than sex , is he attentive , loving??


I left my husband for the same reason. He then was able to find out, he had depression. We got back together and now he gets upset when I’m not in the mood…


Shoot girl! Just masterbate next to him and see how he likes it if he’s not into it than maybe he’s falling out of love.


I once had an ex who said he would do that no matter how much or how little he gets it. Not being with you indicates he is not feeling connected with you right now; it happens in every relationship. Work on doing the non-sexual things you enjoy together and the intimacy will come back.


I left 2 boyfriends for same reason if they more interested in themselves than me bye bye


Turn up the juice. If you bring the fire hot and heavy and it’s still a no… Your relationship is dead in the water. But sometimes I find it helps to be flirtatious like it’s new.


Well first question is how long married . second is maybe you two need to talk about making some changes to spicy up sex life so he will be interested. Third…if he is playing with self but not you …maybe a porn issue? …if so watch together get spice following. Marriage is about growing together and exploring it together…not by self.


I think it’s time to seek professional counselling if you want it to save this marriage.


My husband would never cheat he has low t. But he still slaps my ass and stuff… does he do that to u?


I don’t think some people read the entire post. If he is masturbating all the time that is your problem. He is being extremely lazy and has gotten used to taking care of himself quickly. This would bother any wife who enjoys a little intimacy every now and then or just wants to feel like her man is a tad interested in her. I would tell him to slow down the wacking off or he can marry his god damn hand :raised_hand_with_fingers_splayed:t2:


Get yourself a vibrator and relieve your own stress right next to him… I’m sure he will help out or you can do the job yourself either way your the real winner.

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For those of you who haven’t found the ONE Extraordinary podcast or website, check it out. Very useful and insightful. It has helped many people in this same situation plus others. Best of luck in your journey.

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Pray for your husband and go for counseling. :pray:t2:


Most guys won’t want to go to a sex counselor but I’ve heard from a good friend of mine it worked wonders for her marriage. Good luck!

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These people are not Drs. Do not listen to them. Not true maybe it is taking a lot of work and time to get hard maybe it doesn’t get all the way hard and that is embarrassing him so he is taking care of himself to avoid the embarrassment. Needs to see a Dr.

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I wouldn’t jump right to that he’s not attracted to you anymore or that he’s cheating… I have a low libido and felt horrible about it because I didn’t want my man to feel unwanted, but we talked it out long ago and slowly it’s coming back. It honestly could be from my anxiety and depression, that can do it for some people.

Not trying to make excuses for him, just throwing out another point of view.

Sometimes I use the same excuse. It has nothing to do with my attraction to my man, but the effort it takes to have sex. But I’ll rub one out just the same because its relaxing, helps me sleep and more satisfying when I get to focus on only me. His intentions might not he to hurt you, but unfortunately for us women we automatically blame ourselves when he really just might be going through something. Perhaps he just needs that spark, something new or just a chance to reconnect. Have you told him how it makes you feel?

Suggestively, first thing, have your husband speak with his primary doctor and perhaps also engage in counseling to help you both understand and cope with all that is taking place. All the best.

My husband use to do the same thing in bed made me feel like there was something wrong with me… I turned that around real fast… I got a toy then he wanted to play… nope I got this I told him… We know us better then any one else…

I’m sorry your going through this. I have no advice unfortunately as I’m going through the same thing :disappointed: it’s absolutely heartbreaking I love him very much. I know he’s not having an affair but it doesn’t hurt any less. I feel so unloved and so unwanted. I don’t want my kids (his step kids) growing up thinking this is normal. Good luck.

Doctor appointment, follow him to work and wait all day to see anything or get a device, easy to purchased for call, look at his phone history and dont let him know as you should know the code to unlock phone, remember a spouse has no secrets right. Contact a lawyer after above answer

I see allot of women saying he’s just not into you or if he can walk it he’s got labido heres the thing tho wanking it is quick and easy so maybe he lacks stamina. Maybe he’s tired. There’s a hundred things that you didn’t mention in your post. Do you have kids stressful jobs financial frustrations? Everyone jumped to cheating but sometimes it’s has nothing to do with seeking it elsewhere and it’s not because he finds you undersireable. Do you usually initiate sex? Does he? Are you both happy? There’s a hundred different things it could be.

Do you fight on other topics or even have different opinions about issues? Sometimes thoughts & different opinions can stop/ decrease the interest and intimacy between couples or married people. Because love is not about the physical appearance and attraction only. You should also feel happy, convinced and certain that this person deserves your love.

I would have the drs check he testosterone levels! Also my husband stress alot and it affects him physical so bad. I got him this stress drops from Rowe casa they work like magic. Also they have t boosts drops as well. Its worth a try.

More than likely low T and stress. Pushing and leaving wont help. My husband and I went through this. Likely he doesnt have the energy for sex but still wants you. Have his Testosterone levels checked, get some meds and see how that works. Good luck :blush:


Well if he is servicing himself his libido MUST be FINE , underlying issues and perhaps either he doesn’t want to own up and say the truth because he doesn’t want to hurt you and of coarse no body wants to hear an awe full truth . But Alas there’s not enough info to make that call so YOU have to delve further even if it is SCARY because maybe he might tell you something you dooont want to hear :disappointed:

Maybe you can get him there yourself, like with your hand. And if he doesn’t want that then it’s best you start thinking about some type of marriage counseling. If divorce is out of the question. If divorce is ok then get the hell out girl. You can do better.

Tbh This was the main reason I divorced my ex- husband. Like you said, it took a toll on my mental health and made me feel ugly and self conscious. There was zero intamacy between us though. Not just sex but, no kissing… cuddling… holding hands… felt like we were just co- habitating together. This was a lack of intimacy for 3 yrs… not just a few weeks or a couple months. Counseling didn’t work either because he wasn’t interested and refused to participate.
I don’t know what all you’ve tried so I don’t want to necessarily tell you to divorve him…but, I definitely sympathize with you.

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I’ve dealt with it before. His needs to go to the Dr first just to get help with it and maybe y’all need to spice things up. Change things, throw some kink or something in the mix. Talk to each other about fantasies, watch porn together. Hell while he is in bed, start playing with yourself, make him want it again. Just because a guy does masterbation doesn’t always mean he isn’t into you, sometimes they do it cause they don’t want to deal with the stress of having sex. It might be harder for him to get in the mood. I say keep communicating, go to therapy maybe. Try different things. Do all that and of it’s still the same and u aren’t happy then I’d say throw in the towel and move on for both of you. But I say give it a try. It worked for us without therapy. Also get sexy, even take pics and send them to him , throughout the day. TeaSe him and make him want you. Nagging about it isn’t gonna help at all. Sometimes you have to play a game and get that fire back. It takes work.

I’d leave. Intimacy is what makes a bond even stronger. If he is not desiring you then maybe he’s up to something else. I would prefer the real thing over masturbating so I would see that as a red flag. Marriage or a relationship, if there’s no chemistry, then it’s time to leave. My self worth and self love comes first over ever having someone make me feel unwanted and/or undesired. My needs and myself come 1st over ever having to settle to please someone else


:raising_hand_woman:t3:14 years and I have hit my breaking point. I’m over it, the excuses, the no interest in getting counseling. It’s BS and I have missed out on having more children because of it also. I feel your pain and I love it daily.

Most men these days are tired of having to ALWAYS ask for sex or initiate it. Maybe try taking the bull by the horns, do something sexy for him, something spontaneous, seductive, kinky. Might work :man_shrugging:t2: I wish some women would have done this for me, not that I have a problem, just would have been nice. :+1:

Move on you know there is more than a billion of men you can consider dating if u feel unwanted right ? Life is short & if he is not giving u what u ask for it’s time to hit the door & never look back again there’s nothing wrong with moving on to better. pls do so I feel so bad when I read these worries if women and men out there wondering where is my perfect soulmate he might be speaking of you

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I can’t say anything toward him but I’d rather master bate and get it done quickly. I’m not a huge fan of sex unless it happens the second I want it which is unlikely.

See if he will get his testosterone tested. If it’s low there are medicines ,gels to help and may boost his desire to want to.

Maybe he could take Thrive to help with the stress or go to a doctor.

Listen girl if he’s whacking it the problem isnt that he has low libido or doesnt feel like it cuz obv thats just an excuse. Try to get him to tell you whats really going on. Rather hes not attracted to you anymore or bored or theres someone else or whatever it is. He need to man up and talk to you about whats going on with him.

If it was libido he wouldn’t be pleasing himself. He’s not into you. So sorry.

if he doesn’t want it, he fell out of love or he’s cheating… i didn’t see the signs until i found out he was for 3 years, i felt so horrible how didn’t i know?? oh because he was taking viagra and i trusted him, some men are dogs

Some men are just lazy…they don’t want to put in the work…romance, foreplay etc…they just rather rub one out…maybe try “seducing” him…if that doesn’t work maybe counseling…it might be a deeper issue that probably has nothing to do with sex or intimacy

So the thing with masturbating is that there’s pressure build up and it needs relieved or it literally hurts … ask any man … sounds like he also doesn’t want you for whatever yalls issues are but just cause he masturbates doesn’t mean he is into sex

I don’t know something’s not right even my husband said something is not right he’s either not into you anymore or something my husband had a stroke last year and that man does everything possible to maintain the intimacy in our relationship because intimacy is key in a marriage besides communication there are multiple keys to a marriage and you must have all of them for the marriage to continue to work you must find out what’s going on get some counseling, or leave him.

Sounds like he is cheating! If he doesn’t want u any more! Then find someone who does! Or by urself!!!


Tell him you will find satisfaction outside the marriage for that part and see how he likes it if he can satisfy himself then he don’t need you

He is a lie when men watch porn then they mind is set on that hardcore type sex he has addiction to porn and his desire for sex comes from a fan fantasy inside his head. He is not telling u the truth…

Let me say you can be “not be in the mood” and still masturbate for the stress relief. Maybe he really is overwhelmed with life at the moment and it’s possible being physically intimate feels like more work or just another box that needs to be checked. I’d suggest mutual masturbation you take care of your needs and he his it allows both parties to get the release they are seeking while being physically close without the added pressure of being responsible for your enjoyment.

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Sometimes men are able to masturbate because there no stress in it does not have to worry if he cant finish or get hard. Does not have to worry if hes satisfying someone.

Have you considered maybe he’s worried about not satisfying you? Could be he says his libido is low cause he just wants to get off quick… just looking at it from a male perspective

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Who can resist sexy kisses and touching. He may say that but once you start it his mood may definitely change. He may also be stressed by our world today !

Tell him if he isn’t willing to relieve your stress you can find someone else to help you if he likes.

I’m in the same boat I’m not even a year in and we maybe have sex once a month to every 45 days :cry::cry: I miss intimacy in general but indefinitely miss HIS touch we fight all the time about it it really makes you feel like the problem

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His libido is just fine if he’s masturbating that often. Something more is going on here. Maybe try a heart to heart or counseling, because that’s no way to live.

Truth is he is not sexually attracted to u! He is repulsed at u, find out what he like, what attracts him, it’s all hidden in him dig em out girl

My husband is the same way… not sure what to do about it. I’m still trying to figure it out. He jerks off all the time but doesn’t want me and says his libido is down and isn’t interested in sex. I think that’s a nice way of saying he’s. It attracted to me anymore lol

Antidepressants cause horrible sex drive. Just throwing that in for anyone who doesn’t know.

Doesn’t add up in my book. However maybe you could be too stressed to do housework,laundry etc.

I had a male friend once who became impitent in his late 20s but he could still masturbate so he really could have an issue. Talk to a doctor together ?

is he on meds. i’d say he lost intrest in you and that is his problem not yours been there, found out it was him not me

Is he on antidepressants? They severely inhibit the libido.

Age? Maybe he needs to see a doc, needs a testosterone level test.


Maybe you should masturbate and show him that you dont need him to be satisfied and it might excite him to join in

There are worst things than being alone.

I would move on I had a third husband like that

He gets in bed n sings for his mother every night ??? Isn’t that weird :thinking::thinking::thinking:

It sounds like he would rather masturbate than put the effort in to fixing what’s going on. Does he watch porn? This can ruin a fulfilling sex life with a partner and create other issues. I think you need to have a talk with him and get down to what is really going on. Hope things improve as I’m sure this leaves you feeling quite alone.

is he taking blood pressure medicine
def test his testosterone

Experiment with each other. I’m hardly ever in the mood cause I’m so tired but we fool around a lot so it makes up for it.

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He is selfish ,It is not you,It DEFFENTLY his! Does he talk to his DR ABOUT IT? IT IS NOT YOU,IT IS HIM

He’s bullshitting I’m sorry to say that but if he’s reliving himself that way he’s probably watching porn too .He don’t love you and he’s withholding being intimate for a reason ( red flags )either he’s seeing someone else or he really has fallen out of love . All I can suggest is to seek couple support or speak up your family doctor etc as they do refer couples to relate .
It’s hard to see all the red flags when your in the relationship but from outsiders view something isn’t right here .
Wishing you all the best and hope it sorts it self out

My ex-husband did that. That is why he’s an ex. My current husband is over 50 and wants sex once or twice a week.

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If he’d stop playing with himself, maybe that would help…

Jump his bone when he is masturbating! You already know hes ready. Do you do the work or does he? Maybe some cowgirl action will get him in the spirit? Some men are just lazy lol

He won’t hold himself accountable. How many times do you have to share how this is hurting you before he cares? I had an ex bf like this and I straight up told him I’m going to cheat if this doesn’t get solved. He started giving me head so at least my needs were met :woman_shrugging:t3:

Does he take any pain medicines my hubby dr says pain meds causes low sex drive

Does he watch porn? Sounds like he’s addicted.

Me needs his free and total testosterone checked.

This might be too blunt but a blow job. Spice it up & take control for a minute

How old is he maybe it’s his testosterone levels are low

I’d leave his ass. Find you someone who is all about you.


If he’s not getting it from you he’s getting it somewhere else. Seek counseling or a divorce lawyer

He can get on a medicine that will help.i think it’s a type of Stroid. He can ask his doctor. I’m sure they will know what it is.

Maybe it a phase . Give it a bit of time but not too long. You have needs to that must be met in a marriage for it to work out

Was he molested as a child??

He probably can masturbate easier than having sex because he doesn’t have to perform when he masturbates. Or he is no longer attracted to you, which happens in lots of relationships. If you are unhappy you should leave. Or get a boyfriend.

My boyfriend did the same… then I caught him on Ashley Madison looking for a hook up.

I’m sorry but if his libido was low he wouldnt masturbate. He either has something else going on with someone else, medication side effect or medically or isnt attracted to you anymore.

Depression or low testosterone maybe? Or maybe any new meds.

Leave him. If you’ve talked about it and nothings changed, it never will.

Tell him he should come to you when he is stressed out

No if he can touch himself and get off on porn then he sould bring that to the bedroom… that’s unacceptable

Its time to leave that marriage, most married couples are swingers, but whats the point of getting married when you’re going to sleep around? Yes you people done ruined marriage for me

Yea it sounds like he dont want u physically…


I feel your pain. Not married but 4 yrs together and no sex since September, and 3x in 2019. That and dishonesty has ended the relationship


Try Maca powder in smoothies

From a mans viewpoint, perhaps you’re not doing the things he would like to do??? Maybe be naughty, men kind of like that after all.


Hes being intimate with someone else


If he masterbates then that means he “feels like” having sex