My husband and I aren't on the same page with having kids now, what should I do?

I'm really torn with what to do. I'm losing sleep and having headaches to the point of nose bleeds with stress over this.

I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, married for 6. He’s 9 years older than me. When we met neither of us wanted children but over the last couple of years it’s all I can think of. I’ve spoken to him and he’s adamant he has no desire for a child. I know I’m the one who has changed. I know it isn’t fair to hope he would change his mind, he’s 43 and truly doesn’t want to be a dad. If there was abuse or adultery it would be easy to leave but I love him. He’s a brilliant husband but I am worried I will resent him if I don’t have a child. The thought of divorce makes me sick. I would be doing it for the possibility of a none existent child, putting him in an unfair and undeserved situation. My family is no support and I’m really conflicted as to what to do.

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I think it’s really between just not having a baby and dealing with that, or finding someone else who does want a baby. You may come to resent him for it, but it’s hard because you can’t really get too upset. You knew how he felt about it to begin with. You changed your mind, and that’s okay.

Sadly this is a tough decision either way. If you stay with him and do not get to become a mom you will have resentment towards him but if you leave him and things don’t go as you would like them to you will also have regrets. I think you need to take a deep long look at what is more important to you, the husband that you do love, or having a child that you didn’t want in the beginning. People change over time and that is okay but if becoming a mom is that important to you then you need to move on from your husband if there is no changing his mind. Also keep In mind that if he does agree to have a child for you he could have resentment toward you or that child for doing something he didn’t want to do in the first place. It is okay to look for advice but only you can really decide what is best for you in this situation. Hope that helps.

As a woman… You don’t have a lot of time to change your mind, men do. I know people are saying not to leave but a childs love is different than that of a spouse. If it were me (and I was in your shoes before), I’d give him a choice. It needs to be talked about. Either he’s on board or you make the decision that needs to be made. BTW my ex didn’t want children but after we divorced he did have children. Some men are just finicky. Some women are. It happens. But out of everything in life… The love I have for my children is much more than anything else. That’s with most parents. You don’t be able to freely do this later in in life if you want to have any.

Unfortunately it takes 2 to tango. He didn’t and still doesn’t want kids. He didn’t hide that. I think most people get to an age where they want kids for most it is too late when they do finally decide.
You will have to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you. And he will have to decide if your happiness means enough to give it to you. You love him sure but do you want to resent him later?
It’s hard! Good luck!

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband and I aren't on the same page with having kids now, what should I do?

Ouch, that’s hard. Because that feeling of wanting them will probably not go away. I would go together to a counsellor that can help you both through this…whether it’s splitting or not.

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If you never ever have children will you be filled with regret?
If the answer is yes, it’s time to have the hard discussion. Tell him that this is now a deal breaker and cut ties. Don’t waste each other’s time. Love is not the only thing to stay for I’m afraid

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You either accept not having kids or you find someone else who wants kids. Most people won’t change their minds like you did. If you really want a kid you’ll absolutely regret staying and not having them.

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You decide if you can live the rest of your life without a child or not. If so, you stay. If not, you go. I’ll be 43 next year and there is NO WAY I would want to have a baby at this age. My son is 8 and I wish I would have had when I was younger. He isn’t going to change his mind. Especially at his age.

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From personal experience, and only my twopence worth, the resentment ate me alive! But then again I wasn’t married to my partner and I already had a son! But I desperately wanted more children. He did not. (Although at the start he said he did want them but that’s another matter!) It became an obsession for me. Our relationship wasn’t ideal though to be honest, and had lots of issues, but one thing I know is that the drive to have a child is primal and not easy (maybe impossible) to ignore. This is such a hard situation for you and rubbish that your family aren’t supporting you :pensive:
Every time we went out and I saw small kids, or my friends had babies, it was incredibly hard, and caused an argument and tears. I wish I had some advice for you, but my fear is that you might regret not having children. I’m so grateful that I have my son. Good luck to you xxx

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The need for a child will never go away and will cause frustration and anger… honestly if you truly want a child you may have to divorce and honestly go to a clinic have yourself a baby. Find a donor. I couldn’t imagine being 80 years old on my death bed and not having my children and possibly grandchildren surrounding me :pleading_face:

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I know it’s not exactly the same as giving birth to a child, but would adopting an older child maybe something he’d be interested in?

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Are you prepared to sacrafice all your time because your husband is not interested and it would be unfair to trick him into something he really does not want. You will live with him having a resentful relationship with that child. You need to need to make a choice.

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You can not resent someone for something you both agreed upon before marriage. You’re not wrong wanting a child but you can not hold him accountable for you changing your mind. If you feel like your marriage is ruined because of this just leave before you end up hating one another.

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That’s really hard because he’s been open since the start. Maybe ask him if there’s some type of compromise? Maybe opening your home to a foster child?
You also need to reflect on if you will regret not having kids now that you have found a desire to have them.

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It’s unfair of you to have expectations of him wanting children when he made it very clear from the beginning he did not. You need to decided if you do truly want children and if not having them is something you’re okay with. If you truly want children, then it’s best you two go separate ways. If you decided to stay for love, that love will fade with resentment.

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You agree to a childless marriage. Yes you changed so now it’s time to leave and go after what you want.

And you have nothing to Resent your husband over. You have to make sure you can live with yourself for not wanting kids if you decide to stay with him

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I personally would never leave my husband over not being able to have children neither of us deserve to go through that pain

Would working with kids help at all? You could join the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and mentor children instead. It’s not the same, I know. There’s a lot of kids out there that could use extra love though.

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Do you have any niece’s or nephews? maybe you could keep them on the weekend or a couple of days a week. I know mine are like my own. You could be like their 2nd mom.

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if it was me I’d leave and have a baby on my own . if you have that want so badly to be a mum it won’t go away. good luck sweets.xx

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Become a foster parent

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i have 3 children, but if i got into a relationship and was honest about not expecting to have any, and they changed their mind, i would resent it .

Not having a baby will probably fill you with regret and an emptiness. I would say do what is best for you if you want children then have a serious talk with your husband and tell him how you feel if he can’t get on board then you need someone who wants to have children pray on it and the right one will come around . I have three child and still don’t feel like we are done or complete . But we are so blessed and happy with our children . I hope you are able to feel this true meaning of love someday. I thought I knew what love was but I really had no idea what it felt like to truly deeply love until I saw my husband holding our baby . Hugs! :heart:

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I was just about to say the same thing ^^

having a child will not make you happier when he’s against having a child🤷🏽‍♀️

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You only get one life. If you want a baby, that desire isn’t going to just go away.

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You need to talk to him about this.

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Resenting your husband for not having kids is basically an excuse to blame him because you changed your mind (which is totally ok), and now are afraid of the consequences.
It will be a very tough decision either way, but it’s going to have to be your decision, he’s clear in his. I hope you find peace either way :yellow_heart:

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Have a talk about adoption. I know you said he doesn’t want to be a dad. But there might be underlining things as to why…ex: could be he doesn’t like babies - maybe he’d be open to adopting an older child etc. If he’s still a no go. Seek counseling to discuss where your relationship goes from there.

Y’all agreed to no children in the beginning. You changed your mind not him. But just think if you left a loving marriage to have kids and for some reason you can’t have them, then you have nothing. Just a thought from someone that struggled with infertility.

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No one should put aside their dreams for anybody. Your literally sacrificing your own happiness in order to please him. If I were in your position I would be honest with him and say I really want children and if you don’t that’s fine I’m going to put my time and money into my dream and I will go find myself a sperm donor or adopt a child by myself. You can still be with him maybe not live in the same house but you can still have a relationship with him, you would be a single mother technically but ultimately if you want a child and want to put your love into a child no one should stop you.

What about discussing foster parenting?

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This post makes me so sad, but from personal experience, the want for having your own children doesn’t go away. And although it’s heartbreaking, now would be the time to sit and discuss in great lengths over what you want.
You are not wrong for changing your mind. He is not wrong for not changing his mind. I’m sorry you have found yourself at this crossroad.

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Y’all met when you were 18. Who feels the same way about anything between 18 and 32 years old? It’s not completely unreasonable to change your mind. If he’s adamant about no children of his own, even fostering would just tear you two apart anyway. Plus, he’d have to agree, sign paperwork, etc. Unfortunately, it sounds like you just have to choose between the two or try to explain to him that it’s truly a deal breaker for you at this point in your life. As cliche as it sounds… yolo & no regrets!
Best wishes♥️

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You can’t expect him to change, and here’s the real truth of it - he shouldn’t. He made it known from the get-go how he felt, and I give him mad props for sticking to his guns. You know how you say you’re afraid you will hate him for NOT having any?? Well, if you pressure him into it he will be the one hating you. He’s not the wrong one here. If you choose to leave him over this it is all 100% on you. You would have no right to blame him for anything. You couldn’t tell yourself or anyone else one negative thing about him. You’d need to own it. If you choose to do that - well, you’re free to do it. But keep it honest with yourself and everyone else. Personally, I think it is an absolutely ludicrous reason to leave a brilliant, wonderful man that you love.

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God said be fruitful and multiply . Children are just part of Gods marital covenant with you .

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I’m so very sorry ! Children are the best gifts from above ! I hope he will change his mind ! :pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2:

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This is a hard situation. I don’t have advice. Good luck xx

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It really means you are in different places. This is a tough one. It’s hurting you and you have to go. This will torment you for years no matter how brilliant he is. Some people are good people but not for you and that is okay. Question is what are you willing to sacrifice? You deserve to be happy and if that means leaving then so be it.

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Have puppies instead? Lol jk. If you can’t come to terms with the fact you’ll never have a child with your husband, then you should leave him and do yourselves both a favor. If you CAN live without kids stay and maybe get a job working with kids or soemthing? I dunno really, i’m not you.

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I think you need to talk to him to find out exactly why he doesn’t want to have a child there has to be some underlying reason for it if it’s fixable then he may change his mind if he doesn’t want to lose you and loves you. If not then the decision is yours to make being a parent changes your whole world. Your life suddenly revolves around them it can be difficult and rewarding at the same time If you really want a child don’t wait till it’s too late to have one you need to think about later in life and maybe put that into the picture who knows he may come around or it might be a new chapter with someone else one thing I can tell you being a mother of 3 the unconditional love is irreplaceable good luck with your journey x

If it’s in your heart to have a child then do it. Sperm bank, new relationship, etc No regrets

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You made a decision at an age where you had no clue what the future holds. You want a child now but at 20 it was easy to say no kids. Your chances of having a child is closing in on you. Big decision. Just talk to him.

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When you guys got together, you both agreed to try this When you guys got married, you both as greed on this. Now you changed your mind. He still says no. If you really want kids, then leave & find someone that does. But if you really love him, you will have to understand this is something you both agreed upon & it is something you have to honor. Don’t try to o get pregnant. Because i will say he just might leave. If this is a good man & again if you really love him, just enjoy yoour life with him. Have fun, travel, enjoy your time together

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Yall both agreed when you got together, no kids. Just because you changed your mind doesn’t mean he has to . He shouldn’t have to change his mind just because you did and you cannot force him. Your making yourself sick over something you cannot control. So youd resent if you dont have a child but he would resent you if the roles we’re reversed. Seriously need to part ways!

What about becoming a baby cuddler in NICU
X

I’m a bit of a count your blessings kind of person. You have a great husband you adore and it makes you feel sick at the thought of leaving. That would be good enough for me. Sign up to a buddy programme, change careers and find work with children. Maybe have a conversation about possibly fostering. He may he open to that. But cover your bases discuss everything with him right down to the last feeling before you decide to leave for a child you may not end up even having. Much love :heart: and I hope you find some peace whatever you decide xxx

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Just here to say sorry, not the same situation but my husband and I had a difficult time conceiving and I ached for a child and I remember that pain well so I know what it’s like to want a baby that doesn’t seem like it’s in your reach. What a hard place to be in, hopefully you find your answer :heart:

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Nobody (you nor him) is “wrong” here. And I commend you in your courage and transparency to share this…as well as your accountability… that some here who’ve commented apparently missed or didn’t comprehend. This is a very difficult situation and I hope the best outcome for you both in any direction it may go. :purple_heart:

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Children are overrated… Don’t have One.

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U were young when u made this choice, but u also know where he stood and still stands on children, u can’t make someone want a child, u say u might resent him if u don’t have children but if u force him to then he might resent u and any children u have, it’s a very hard situation

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For everyone saying she knew before I get it but at the same time if I did the math right she was about 20. Did you all have your life mapped out at 20? Things change. He also had 9 years on her. He was almost 30. He had to have a thought that maybe just maybe it would change for her. My advice to you is I get it and motherhood is the most unbelievably best decision I’ve ever made and this is coming with my first child’s sperm donor telling me after being together for 2 years to have an abortion he wanted nothing to do with the child. So I did it on my own. No strings attached. This is something that will most likely never stop nagging at you. You may be able to push it off but do you want to rehash is in 10 years when you are a bit older and have regrets. He needs to know that this is something that you need

Well I would personally leave instead of trying to change his mind. You’ve grown different ways, it doesn’t have to be a big emotional, messy, divorce, and you can still be friends. I wouldn’t waste anymore time if you want children considering you could get your menopause and miss your chance.

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As people we change, evolve over time. Your entitled to change your mind and he’s entitled to not change his. No one is wrong. However, it’s wrong to make him have a child and it’s wrong for you to give up a desire to have a child. Therefore, a honest conversation is needed in determining if you both can be happy as is or maybe divorcing so you both can be happy. Prayers for you!

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You both agreed not to have children and he shouldn’t have to change his mind to not “loose” you. If it’s something you truly want and feel like you won’t be complete without then leave him and go find someone to have a child with and let him find someone else who won’t be putting this on him .

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Go see a therapist and suggest he do the same and then counsel together.

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I admire your thought and honesty that you’ve put into your relationship. I don’t think anyone here can fully grasp the storm that you are caught in. As you get older, the chances of you even being able to conceive a baby start to slim down and make it much harder. I wish I had the slightest bit of advice for you, unfortunately, I do not. Neither one of you are wrong. He’s not wrong for not wanting a child and you are not wrong for developing the want of a baby. I can say from my personal past experience in a relationship, (we were much younger too) My husband at the time wanted no children, I didn’t want children and then all our friends started having babies, and I loved seeing these girls grow into beautiful women as they became stronger when they became a mom. I suddenly had the desire, he said no, I too didn’t want to divorce because aside the baby thing, we had an amazing relationship, but once I had decided, I slowly began to resent him. My love started slipping because we no longer shared the same goal and that path we were on, started getting wider and wider and eventually, I finally got divorced. It wasn’t ugly, we are still friends it was very amicable because we both understood that we wanted different things out of this life and our goals had changed. We had our eyes on different prizes and we knew that was okay. I am here now, with 5 beautiful children and I couldn’t be happier. I love my husband, I love my kids and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. You are the only one that will be able to make your mind up. I know it’s going to be hard and you are going to have to dig deep and ask yourself, what it is you really want out of this life and if your goals do not line up anymore, is it fair to either one of you?

Well what are your options here? Six months for the divorce, a year of dating (if you’re lucky) and a wedding, you’re looking at being 38 before you get pregnant. That’s rough. I’m 40 now, my youngest is 17, and I couldn’t imagine starting over at this point in my life. I get that you want kids and he doesn’t, but let’s consider whether or not you will be in a position to have kids when it’s all said and done.

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Leave now! No questions asked. This is coming from someone who started having kids at age 36 because my husband finally became “ready to have kids”. We are 10 to 15 years behind all of our friends now in the raising kids period of our life. I can’t enjoy my kids as much now as I could have if I would have started earlier. I now am 45 years old and have a 4, 7, and 9 year old. Many of our friends are grandparents already and we don’t do any activities with our friends now because we have young kids to deal with and they don’t. There is not a day that goes by that I am not resentful and angry at my husband for not being ready sooner! I realize that is very selfish of me, but I can’t help it. It’s true. You will end up having so much resentment towards your husband that your relationship will suffer anyway. I’m a good person and love my family, but there will be a time that you will feel like he ruined your life for not allowing you to have children. No matter how good of person you are. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but trust me.

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I’d most definitely cling to the Lord.

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I get it, we change. When I was younger I wanted kids, more than one. And I had one at 20. Now I’m in my 30s and if I didn’t have my one I probably wouldn’t want any. I love my son with all my heart, but my entire adult life has went to being a mom, I’m ready to do the things I want to do, mostly travel without adhering to a school schedule. You have to do what is going to make you happy in this situation, or it will make you bitter.

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Honestly some people are okay with not having children, some want them and yah sometimes it’s a deal breaker to not want them. Though you did agree you didn’t want children you changed your mind which is fine. But if kids is something you truly really want ,and he doesn’t you may not like him much after years go by.

You also need more then love in a marriage. You guys can sit and talk about it maybe a therapist idk or end it. Honestly only you know if you’d rather have a baby without him or be with him without a baby

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If you want children and he doesn’t I would have a serious talk and sit down and let him know that you want children you could go find a sperm donor either through a bank or online and become a mother that way

Boy in a rock and a hard place I feel for you! I know this is a very difficult situation for you both. People grow and change differently. My best advice is discussing it with him again. Tell him how badly you want this and why. When you love someone and are in a marriage it means compromising and finding a middle ground. That goes for him as well. If he’s not willing to find a middle ground or be compassionate about how you feel, when you clearly are for his feelings, then you have to decide what you want more and what you are willing to live with. You resenting him or him resenting you isn’t good for a marriage.

I personally wasn’t sure about having kids when I got married but I was at least open to the idea. When I got pregnant I decided it was something I wanted. My husband definitely wanted it. My husband is 26 years older then me and we had our child when he was 52. If he’s worried about his age he shouldn’t.

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You have to decide if he matters more than your desire to have children. People don’t realize as they age how important extended family becomes.

Be grateful you have a great husband and good life. Child raising can be a great disappointment. I have 6 children all have major issues. Three I have not seen in over 20 years. Thank God for your blessings happiness is not fulfilled with children. Seek God and you will learn gratitude.

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I’ve known relationship like this married didn’t work git divorced because 1 wanted kids and other didn’t otherwise relationship was good I guess

You have to make a choice. It’s not fair to him to hold it against him when he was honest with you from the start.

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You have a right to change your mind. That’s a tough one. Children are hard. So hard. And that’s assuming they are healthy- which is not a guarantee. Regret is rough to live with- search your heart and figure out if you’ll regret not having kids more than losing a husband when you’re old and gray.

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Whatever you do dont get pregnant on purpose, you might lose him for good.

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Do you want kids more than you want your husband? If so, leave, and go get impregnated at a reproductive clinic.

Do you only want kids with a husband(even if not this one)? If so, well that’s a lot trickier. You are going to need to have a lot of things line up and turn in your favor to make that happen, taking into account your age. Much more difficult, but not impossible, by any means.

But in the end, can you live with leaving your husband for the possibility of kids, even if no children actually result? Because you may end up with regrets either way.

I’m so sorry! That’s a tough situation. Is he okay with fostering? Adopting? Or no kids at all?
Have you asked him if there is a middle ground y’all can meet?

I’d say go with whatever doesn’t lead you to regrets.

It kind of goes both ways.
Will you one day resent your child if you left your brilliant husband and your child turns out to be far from the wonderful child you thought they would be.
After getting divorced at 25 I vowed I would never do it again.
Eleven years later “she” walked into my life.
Greatest thing that ever happened to me.
We have two children.
Our daughter when we were 39 and our son at 44.
So yes. It was a little rough and yes it can be rough trying to keep up with my 10 year old son.
My dad always said God has a plan. We just have to be patient and wait to see what it is.
Either way I wish you and your husband a life of happiness.

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I understand that people and desires change over time. You’re not wrong for changing your mind and he’s not wrong for knowing what he wants. People shouldn’t have children unless their heart is 100% in it. You need to consider what having a child at this point in your life would mean for you. If you were to divorce, remarry and try to have a child with someone else… it would possibly mean fertility treatment considering your age. Which is a whole other ordeal. You also should think long and hard about if that is really what you want or you’re question the “what if’s” I had the same experience after I had my tubes tied. Momentarily I thought I wanted one more, and sometimes I still do. But it’s normal to grieve the “what if’s” or the end of a chapter in your life.

It really isn’t something anyone else can tell you to do. Its a decision that only you can make.

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My guy and I were together for 9 years he was older and didn’t want kids. I was younger didn’t want kids either but when I hit 30 I changed my mind-I had to make a choice and it was hard I loved him. But I broke it off and married someone that wanted a baby. My son is now 19 and I’m so happy every day with my decision as I love my son more than words can say. and my husband is my best friend. Just telling you my story. I wasn’t married like you are I think it’s incredibly harder to make that decision- I wish you all the best.

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Don’t have children with someone who doesn’t want them. And don’t try to change their minds.
It’s a tough situation, but the bottom line is what do you want more and being able to live with that choice.

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If you want a baby,have one and if he don’t find someone who does. I have known more than one woman that wanted kids but husband did not,so they didn’t. Then years later after the women were too old to have babies, they divorced and the men went on to marry younger women and having babies with them leaving the first wife devastated, alone and childless.

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See if he is open to Fostering ?

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Talk to him. Don’t force him to change his mind. Don’t ask him to change his mind for you. You have the chance of him resenting you. It’s a hard decision to make, but make the best one for you and you only.

Very important to be on the same page. Don’t want resentment later down the road. If you really want children then you need to find a person that wants the same.

You are within your right to change your mind about anything. You definitely have consequences though and that may be losing your husband.
Children are probably the biggest decision you’ll make in your life. If you want kids, your time is dwindling to have them naturally. You could always adopt too?

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It maybe something mentally going on with him he’s dealt with his entire life that he fears passing on to the child, he may have never told you!! I’ve heard of this often being a reason

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Maybe be a big sister join a volunteer program or volunteer at children’s shelter to spend time w kids maybe? Something to fill the void if possible

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You knew he did not want children so you should not be surprised if it’s that important to you maybe you should revaluate your relationship you may have to leave him if having a child is that important to you your decision and it’s going to be a tough one

Dont do it. Find another mate. It does drive wedges in your connection and kids are stressful and keep you beyond too busy for even being a couple. Unless you are willing to stay and have kids with him purely to have a family. Dont expect support. Youll be alone in a strained disconnected relationship. That will affect your future kids. And your happiness and wellbeing. Kids are beautiful but hard. They tend to drive a lot of couples apart due to needs changing. Beware.

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I left a 24 yr relationship because I knew in my heart that what I really wanted in life was children. I have 6 now - best thing for me I coulda done because it’s where my heart was truly at for what I wanted in my life

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That’s a tough situation I’m sorry you’re going through it. But as you said you’re scared you would resent him but in turn he could end up resenting you and the child. I wouldn’t want to put a child through knowing they aren’t wanted.

I think you’ll regret not having a child if that’s what you want. It’s a tough decision and only you can decide.

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Maybe you could volunteer or find a way to work with children to fill your void? There’s so many children that need a caring person, or maybe a foreign exchange student?

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You will grow to resent him

So i take care of people dying people or people close to it and the most common regret I hear from men and women is not having children I’ve had grown men on there death bed crying to me telling me yeah I traveled yeah I did this and that but I’d give it up and go back and have kids.

I don’t really have advice but for you and your husband it’s not to late for my patients it is. :heart:

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Tell him just what u told us!! If he still isn’t will to consider it or at least talk about it more in depthly ull have start to ask ur self some tuff questions be honest with yourself and him.

Have you thought about being a foster parent? If you really want kids you’re going to have to find someone that wants kids too!

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Consider fostering. It can get a child in the house to love but on a temp basis.

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It’s a really sticky situation considering right from the get go he was clear were he stood as far as kids were concerned. You really need to let him know how important this is to you, but you can’t expect him to change his mind but hope he might.

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If you started the relationship with both of you not wanting children it isn’t fair to him to try and change his mind. You need to think about what future do you want. Do you love your husband more than non existent kids if the answer is yes than stay if it isn’t you need to bow out

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I left my ex husband for this. Sorry. Hope you work it out

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