My husband and I are separated and will be getting divorced. Our oldest daughter is biologically his; I have raised her full time since she was 2. I have no rights over her but told him I’d keep her until the end of the school year because I think that it’s best for her and my other two daughters to stay together in our home for now. The bio mom isn’t in the picture, so I’m all she knows. On top of that, the oldest has major behavior issues and has been a huge issue in the marriage. She’s caused a lot of strain, and her behavior is hard to deal with. I don’t want to raise her, but I’m trying to do what’s best for all of them. What should I do? Should I have him take her? Should I just stick it out and keep her until we sell the house? I don’t know what to do.
Maybe she’s having behavioral issues bc she suspects that the only mom she’s ever known is about to just give up on being her mom. You’re rehoming her like a dog smh
If you have no legal rights, let her go. That last thing you need is something to happen to her. I would send her on her way.
What does the child want?
This is so disturbing? How old is the child? You realize she thinks if you as her mother, right? Your just going to walk out on her?
You already answered yourself “I don’t want to raise her”. If she’s acting out I’d say it’s because her biological mom isn’t around and you don’t want to be…
Maybe ask her what she wants?
Still treat her like you would yours. She might already being feeling separation anxiety wondering where it leaves her
Do what’s right for you and your girls. It sounds cruel, but your priorities lie with your biological kids.
I would speak to him about what he wants to do. That is his biological child and he has full say so over her. Also, this post isnt saying she is walking out on her. It says they are splitting up. She has NO LEGAL RIGHTS TO HER. She cant just keep her.
Poor kid … behavior problems can stem from a lot of diff things. Maybe ADHD? Maybe its hereditary issues? Does she know your not her bio mom? Does she know her bio mom isnt around or why? Maybe the problems stem from that? Maybe her issues stem from your relationship problems? Either way, I would keep her and the other children together. That’s what they all know. And I think you should stay involved in her life even after she goes back to live with dad. You are all she knows. And now … she probably feels shattered with her family splitting up. Divorce is hard on kids, esp the older ones who can understand better.
Ur doing the best by keeping her because she going to be extremely hurt in the end if her mom left her and now u dont want her I came from a home like that I still deal with anxiety stress and PTSD from it all
Try to stay in here life you are the only mother she knows
If she was biologically yours and you weren’t in picture what would you want for your child
You all need to go into ( family ) therapy and learn how to live with this new reality …
Don’t give up on the girl
Well since she isn’t biology yours you have no rights…
If dad wants his child he gets her you really have 0 says in it.
Poor girl! I cant imagine feeling like my Dad just didn’t want me! My step dad has been dad since I was two. If something happened w him and my mom he would still be my dad. If you don’t want her then let her go now! How horrible to live in a home where you’re not wanted.
If u have raised her since she was two why did u never adopt her seen as u was married?? Your all she knows as a mum can you really let her go that easily?? Only u can make that decision.
Thats why she is acting out she knows u dont want her smh give her to her father. Stepping up to raise a child is a big deal and u shldnt just change ur mind like that
You sound like you’re talking about a dog or something…ask her what she wants but honestly if you cant love her like your own then give her back to her father.
If she was biologically yours and she was acting out would you just send her away? I’m assuming throughout the marriage you were just “mom” and said things like “I raised her as my own”
Obviously not. My husband has been raising my son as his own since he was two and I could never imagine him just not wanting him.
Honestly I’d let him take her. You can still be active in her life especially since you have her siblings. But dad needs to step up and do his job as a parent.
she definitely shouldn’t be with someone who doesnt want her… poor kid
Keep her until the end of the year and find a therapist for her ASAP. She needs to know that when the 2 of you emotionally abandoned her she has tools inside of herself to heal
Wow… you raised her since she was 2, if she has behavioral issues, it’s on you too. You would seperate siblings? You’re divorcing her dad, so bye to your oldest? He should have them all if you feel that way.
Marriage is hard as hell,but in the hardest of situations is when it counts the most,you dont want to raise her bc you never fully excepted her and more then likely shes acting out bc she knows that,only you can decide what to do but when you step up to be that role it’s for life
He doesnt want her you dont want her… What is she? A hamster?
You all are pathetic parents and its no wonder this poor kid is screwed up.
Maybe a foster home that would want her would be best…
You said it yourself. You “don’t want to keep her”. This poor girl doesn’t need any of that in her life. This is a little girl with feelings, not a dog. I’m sure she is picking up on how you feel about her and I’m almost 100% sure that this is all highly traumatic for her to feel like she isn’t wanted. The reason why she’s acting out is a no-brainer. Anyone with common sense can see what’s going on. She deserves someone who loves and wants her, regardless of how she acts out. She deserves better. Sounds like you just need to leave things alone and stay gone for everyone’s sake. This whole situation is so sad…
If you are all she knows you should stick it out she might not show it but you’re her mom she loves you like you’re her mom. Loosing you will make things really hard on her.
I’m so sorry that poor kid… I’m so attached to mine and a few close friends kids who I love and cherish and would lift mountains for. My bestie died leaving behind her kids and it hurts to see them but I love them like they are my own flesh and blood. I even told her kids that if they ever wanted to live with me to say the word and they can. They are family to me.
Are any of you step parents ? Because I was and I certainly know exactly how she feels. In reality it’s up to the dad what happens. If she has behavioral issues the dad needs to take care of them. Being as legally you can’t take her anywhere to see a therapist as your not her legal guardian. If her behavior causes issues with the other children then you need to figure out what best for everyone not just her.
So you had her from age 2 and you still don’t consider her yours and would just give her up? Yes give her to her dad she deserves better than you.
Please dont ever blame a child for a failed marriage. She is probably acting out because she feels unaccepted. Just because you did not birth her, she should not be treated as less than your child.
It really doesn’t matter what you want. She’s not your child and you have no rights to her so she should go with her father
What the hell is wrong with you? Trash.
Pull up your big girl panties and treat her with love and Grace.
You sound so selfish. What because your now not with your husband the last 10 years of that child’s life mean nothing to you? If she has behavioural issues, then it’s on you considering you raised the poor girl! Get her the support she needs, therapist, anything. But seriously, if you’re just keeping her cause that’s ‘what is best for YOUR children.’ She’s better off with family that does want her.
What age is she ? I would want to talk with her and ask her what she wants, if she’s old enough to make that decision. I would tell her that I would like her to stay thru the school year at least. I think I would explain that she would have to be a cooperative part of the team if she wants to stay…
Don’t take away her mother figure just because she isnt your bio child.
How could you raise her from 2 and then just not want her anymore???
Thats awful, im sorry but it is.
And its gonna hurt her heart, it probably already has.
If a child feels unwanted they act out. She probably feels your resentment and doesn’t know what to do with all the GROWN UP feelings the situation is creating.
Its never the child place to suffer because of the adults decisions. Do whats best for you but put effort into making sure that all those kids feel safe and loved regardless of what you and the father go through.
That girl didn’t ask for you to come in and be her mother figure and she didn’t ask for you to give up on her when things got tough.
I know people always say " you don’t owe anyone anything."
But when you have a child that looks at you with love and trust,that you’ve cared for and tucked in and been there for them.
you do owe them.
You owe them every ounce of compassion and understanding you are capable of.
Funny how there’s no mention of the father being ok with not taking her with him but only bashing the step mom in almost every comment for “not wanting her”
How many of you have been in this exact situation? Again, perfect parents giving an opinion on an issue they most likely no nothing about. That’s helpful.
So many hateful comments. If her father isn’t stepping in because of the behavior issues, yes she could be part of the cause. Legally, since you’ve been in her life for so long you could probably get visitation/custody if you wanted it.
If you don’t want to raise her then dont. Nobody should grow up feeling like they aren’t wanted and like they don’t belong. Kids pick up on things so much easier than people realize. You say she has caused so many problems then say you don’t want to raise her bc she is hard to deal with. Well let’s just hope your biological daughters never have struggles or act out bc they will have a mother walk out on them too, huh?
Think of the children
absolutely keep her if he’s agreeable.
Heaven forbid my husband and I split, I would fight for our oldest daughter. She’s not biologically mine. I’ve only been in her life for two years. She has mental health issues and we have her on a treatment program. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But in no way shape or form would I ever give up on her just because my husband and I could not work through issues. She’s mine and will always be mine, legally or not, I’m her mom and would fight like I would for my biologically daughter.
Stick with her if hes gone and things calm down after he left and the house is normal she may change making her go with him may set her back may god be with you
I mixed on this. I feel sorry for her cuz her own father doesnt know what to do w her and the one she knows as mom, isnt sure she wants her… I’m sorry but shame on them both. This should’ve been thought of once separation was talked about
No matter if by blood or not, SHE’S YOUR CHILD. If this was one of your bio children, how would you handle the situation?
Omg if youve raised her since she was 2 dont you consider her YOURS? Would you give away your blood daughters for being a nuisance??? Sad
What?? You’ve raised her…would you just give up on your biological children because they have behavioral issues? I’m really trying to understand where you are coming from…but why haven’t you two tried to figure out why she’s acting out? I can’t imagine just giving up on a child. Her behavior is a cry for help. If her dad isn’t going to find out what her issues are…be her angel…she needs someone to save her before it’s too late.
Share custody for all 3 kids . Stay in the school district that she’s already in . Keep her during the school week. every other weekend with dad. Summer vacation with her dad. Share holidays as a family. Everyone goes to family counseling
I raised my baby since she was 2, although not biologically mine, SHES MY BABY!!! AFTER 15YRS, her dad and I separated and divorced… First thing I did was tell her, Destiny baby, me and Daddy are getting a divorce… I need you to know I love you more than life itself, I’m your mom forever, no matter what!! Idk that they’ll let me take you, but if you wanna come then mama I’ll fight tooth n nail for you!! You are always & forever MY DEZY BUTT!! She’s now 19, doesn’t see her dad or bio mom…
It’s a tough situation. But as a step parent, my heart aches for both the step mother and the child. If the child has behavior issues and she is left with the step mother who will legally no longer be a step mother after the divorce finalizes, if she tries to reprimand her or somehow the child gets hurt, what would the courts say in that situation? …one thing is being with the father and being able to try to raise her as you do your children (principles, morals, respect, rules un the house, activities) but once the biological father is not there in the household to be the main reprimanding parent, I dont know if she’s allowed to raise her the way she would raise her own children if the step child isn’t having it.
But I feel for the step child if she is the only mom figure she’s ever had, and she gets completely cut off from her “mother” and siblings. … why is dad not stepping up?
Thats disgusting. You should just leave her alone now since shes ovbiously nothing to you. She deserves better, she’d probably act better if she felt wanted.
Idk how you can talk about the child like this… At all… it almost makes me think as if she was not the problem in the marriage maybe the problem in the marriage was you not liking or wanting his daughter… 🤷
You basically just said you didn’t want to raise her lol… let her be with her dad he probably actually cares about her more.
Really the major question here is if she ever legally adopted this child. If not, then she has no legal recourse to keep her . I would absolutely recommend staying in her life if her father allows it as you are the only mom she knows. Also, does the father not want to take her or is trying to do what he thinks is best by keeping her life as close to her normal routine as possible?
I was in a similar situation. I raised my husband’s son as my own from the time he was 21 months old. We divorced when he was 16 and he chose to stay with me (and his brothers). It was what worked best for all of us. Now he’s almost 20 and has been out on his own, but when things get hard for him, I’m the one he calls to come back home.
I’m going to take a different approach on this matter, because I was in a very similar situation. I disagree with a lot of these women. If you or your other children’s mental, emotional or physical health is in jeopardy on account of his daughter’s behavior, than you must do what’s best for everyone involved.
I raised my ex-boyfriend’s daughter from the age of 5-15. Her “mother” was constantly disappearing on her, wouldn’t call for months, etc. Her behavior started becoming so erratic and I had her set up with different therapists to deal with this. She toyed with them like puppets, but they all said the same exact thing… “this little girl is definitely showing signs of personality disorder.” Wasn’t surprised because she had been through a lot. But at what point do you ask yourself… “ Is this what’s best for everyone.”
For me, that point came when my step daughter didn’t say one single word to mine and my ex’s 4 year old daughter. Not one fucking word. For 8 months!!! Try explaining to a 4 year old why her older sister is purposely trying to hurt her to say “fuck you to me”. I went off on dad and said that I couldn’t believe he has let her behavior go on so long and HE needed to handle the situation, which he should’ve done from the very start. He gave her a choice at that point and said she could either start participating in the family or she could possibly consider going to live with her “mother” in a different state. She chose to leave and you know what?.. I’m ok with that. Some people are just extremely toxic, whether they’re children or not. Sometimes to save yourself… you have to wish them the best and send them on there way. Best of luck to you… I truly understand the predicament you’re in
Did you ever want her? Do you show more love to the other two because they are yours? You are probably the reaaon she has issues, her mother walked out & the only mother she has ever known doesn’t want her. Imo, you don’t deserve her.
Do what you would want someone to do for your child , do your best every day and let her know she is wanted and loved .
You talk about keeping her with you, then say she was the issue in your marriage…hell no. She needs to go with her father.
Don’t give up on her, she needs you and her dad
Dont judge this mamma so harshly. She is asking for advice, she hasnt said she wont raise this child. She hasnt said she is not supporting this child. I suggest counselling for all of you to help navigate this horrible minefield of divorce, and to learn coping strategies. I am a step parent too… I get totally where u are coming from. We are a brady bunch of 7 with one not doing so well, and heres the reality everyone. You are trying your best, that is all that anyone can ask. Goodluck. Do what is the best for you and your biological children first then work on what other options you have.
Wow blaming a child for problems in your marriage…no wonder you are getting divorced
If you don’t want to raise her then leave her alone to be with her dad. Smfh
what? do u even have to ask?? don’t keep her, she’s better off without a person that thinks of her like property, that doesnt have any love for her, bcz if u did love her this question should have not been asked. the question should b how do i fight for her in court, or how do i murder him for trying to take my child away…poor baby…
When my hubby and I separated (worked through it thank God) my lawyer said I had rights. I could have requested custody and had a very good chance of winning. I raised them from 2-3yrs and they are now 16-17 yrs.
Poor girl, maybe she is better off without any of you. Truth is you never cared for her like your own, if you did you wouldn’t just throw her away like that. I hope she finds someone who loves her.
If you’re all she knows then that’s probably why she has behavior issues since you talk about her like she’s trash. Hope her and your ex husband can have a good life now that you’re gone!
I was the kid that my ex step mom said why she was divorcing my dad. I still hate her till this day. Step moms you love them forever or don’t love them at all. End of story. She will never forgive if you abandon her. You know it’s wrong otherwise you wouldn’t feel bad about it
She’s your child…You raised her as your child…you are the only mother she knows. You treat her the same way you treat your other children. I can’t believe you would question this or anyone is suggesting otherwise.
Your marriage is a problem because of you two…not the child you two raised
Hi! So my oldest stepson was/is hell. His behavior and choices cause a lot of adult problems. I mean CPS and people wrongfully jailed adult problems, not just arguments. You are not alone (((HUGS))) If a stepchild’s behavior pushes you to have to choose between them and your bio children that’s on them not you. It’s disappointing to see some of these comments coming from other stepmom’s… Yaaa BC being a stepparent is easy right? So easy that it’s Ok to judge another stepparent RIGHT?! Congratulations on making it thus far, really.
I think you should let Dad take her. Work out a visitation schedule for your bio girls to be able to spend time w/your step as long as it’s safe for your bio children.
I will openly admit that my oldest stepson does not have visiting time w/my bio children. His behavior is unsafe. For the bullies on this page he’s a sexual predator so off.
Do not make her a pawn!
Not to be rude, but I can’t imagine putting blame on a kid for a marriage falling apart, even if they misbehaved.
Its hard to raise another one’s kids. But you have been in her life and all she knows is you. I think your doing the right thing by letting her stay. You never know. Once the father is out of the picture yall may have an actual bond. She may surprise you. Plus she isnt getting taken away from everything.
Wow!!! You holier than thou mothers are something else!!! As a step mother, you walk a fine line every day & it’s not easy!! I say, like someone else did, let the dad keep her & work out a visitation schedule.
You folks are very quick to judge someone. She asked for advice not to be torn to shreds for doing so. I think maybe she needs to stay with her father but I would let her know I still loved her and stay in her life as much as possible.
All children at times can be difficult, but if she was the reason you guys split up then why did your ex not pick up on this and try to work more with you? Maybe he was sick of hearing the blame being put on his daughter. This is such a shame and God forbid if anything happened to me and my husband moves on I’d hope my children wouldn’t be used as reasons for the marriage failing. This sounds more like your keeping her as a pawn to use against him not because you really care. Let her go with her dad and you concentrate on your daughters. I have step children as well as our own and I would never no matter what the kids did treat them or talk about them like this, how do you know it wasn’t your daughters who were actually a bigger reason.
You NEED to still be her mom. Some kids are just more difficult than others. If you are the only mom she knows then you cant turn your back on her because shes not a ‘yes’ girl. You will do a lot of emotional damage to her. Having 2 moms walk away from you is more than a 12 year old should have to bear
My advice is going to be the same as others. You loved this child since she was 2, bio mom not in picture, is give her to her father and set up visitation with you daughters, if that seems to be the issue, if it’s a mix of everything, let him keep her you get her on weekends or what have you. Stress isn’t going to do any of you any good. Prayers for an answer to a difficult situation.
Whew!! The dramatics in this comment section
Wow that poor girl. Imagine your mom not wanting to raise you because you had bad behavior.
How can you just throw her away ? Man my 7 year old is hard to handle and causes her drama but I’d never let her go to her dads because I couldn’t handle her. I put her ass in councelling and more thepry and shes cooming around !!!
She’s your child, your raised her since age 2. You are her mother. If you didn’t want her or the responsibility you should have said it when she was 2 not know that she has behavioral issues. Pretty sad to know that her mom doesn’t want her.
It would be really great of you to try n keep her with your other children…Maybe now that he is no longer in the picture, things will change for all of you…Good luck n keep the faith…Life can b very difficult some times…
Step or not youve been her mom since she was 2. Youre still her mom. Be her mom and treat her like your daughter
I mean, you’re her mom… you do what’s best for her even if it’s easier to send her off with her dad.
I would continue to love the baby girl, she deserves to be loved by you, be the best Mom to her no matter what . Your marriage might have felled, but she will bring you blessings and strength through it all. A real woman and mother don’t give up on an innocent child no matter what the man does:pray:.
Are there even admins in this group or is this just a total free for all let your bitch flag blow free
Does it matter if she’s not yours by blood? She’s a child who clearly needs support, she’s also a human being. I would keep her, she’s all you got since two and now the behaviour is a problem all of a sudden! Kids are the future, she doesn’t have her mom and then she won’t have you.
I Admire you ,He is so stupid to lose a woman like you, Bless you Lady,
If I knew my step parent didn’t want me, I’d raise hell in your house! That’s ridiculous, you don’t want to raise her. You should’ve walked out when she was two! Sorry, I never understood people like that. Life is tough, would you say that about your kids? Would you say I don’t want to raise them anymore?
I think after all the stress is gone she may start acting differently, kids react to stress, once it’s gone she will probably become easier.
You and your husband set up a custody agreement with your bio children but also include the oldest because you’re the only mother she knows. Also seek therapy for all children in your home and possibly for you and your spouse. I don’t know you personally but the kids sounds like they may need help with the divorce
Keep her till things are all squared away finial. Then make your choice & maybe she’ll know what she wants to do.
My oldest daughter went through something like that, behavior issues and putting a lot of stress on the whole family… Guess what? We kept supporting and loving her and never gave up on her… We went to family therapy ( still do) and guess what… she progressively started to improve… if you raised her she is your daughter! You don’t get to give up on your kids when things get hard… That is when you love them the most… Love will show them the way.
Update to some of the questions.
First of all. I am all she knows and I say I don’t want to raise her because she has extreme behavioral issues. I have done everything I can to address those issues and try to help her. Bio mom did heroin the entire pregnancy and smoked as well. I raised her because she didn’t have a mom. I stepped up. I couldn’t adopt her because bio mom wouldn’t sign her rights away. I’m trying to do what’s best and I’ve been keeping her in the same house hold. I don’t want to raise her as a single mom cause she isn’t mine legally and he isn’t going to allow that.
You’ve been there since she was two you are Mom, you can get legal guardianship so you can have her a couple of weekends a month so she still has some normalcy, a good relationship with her siblings and knows you’re not abandoning her. That way you also get the break you need, sounds a lot like you’re burnt out. Was he not backing you up like he should’ve?