My husband doesn't make any effort in our relationship: Advice?

Try ignoring him on his birthday and doing special things like you do. see if he notices? Say “oh I didn’t think we were suppose to do things like that.” MIGHT MAKE A DIFFERENCE. HE HAS IT TOO EASY!

Oh mamma you deserve so much better. Sadly I think it’s time to move on. His behavior is unacceptable and it doesn’t seem like he cares if that was his reaction after bringing you how you feel.

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Set boundaries, stick to it and or show him the door. “Don’t be a door mat”.

Go to counseling on your own, get help and seek support from a professional. You are setting an example for your kids and as they observe what is happening in your marriage they will suffer the same fate unless you take steps to at least make yourself happier. No one can walk on you unless you lie down on the floor to let them and no one else can make you happy, you must do it yourself. Stop all the caregiving to him and for him, you are enabling him to make you miserable. I know these things from personal experience and once I quit doing just what you have been doing I felt better and things improved for me, good luck and take care of yourself and your kids first.

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I’m interested in how to be a SAHM of 4 and be able to pay for everything? … show me your ways. :woozy_face:

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Sometimes our partner does not get things when we spill our guts out to them. My fiance used to be this way and I was so miserable. Finally I got to a point where I started saying “I need you to make dinner tonight” or “Friday is date night and i need you to rub my feet like i do to you all the time” and surprisingly telling him exactly what I want for that day or evening works. I thought he would get mad but men are not mind readers just as us women are not. Try being bold and telling him exactly what you want him to make for dinner and make him do it. See what his reaction is! I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I hope you can find a way to help your husband understand your needs! :heart:

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Stop doing things for him. I walked away from a relationship just like that. Well except I wasn’t a SAHM. I worked 50+ hrs a week.

Was in ur situation. I stopped buying everything for my husband. He has now left me after 10 yrs of marriage. Went to his dad’s fir evening and after a week was with another girl. I was heartbroken :broken_heart: but a good year on and I’m much happier single with my kids. I deserved better than being used :pensive:. I hope u get through this :heartbeat:

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband doesn't make any effort in our relationship: Advice? - Mamas Uncut

When I reach these crossroads I turn my spouse over to God. He’s the only one who can change him. It releases me to find my own joy. If it is meant to be God will right the situation. If it’s not in your best interest, God will show you another path with no anger or recriminations. Been married 53 years now. Helped my daughter and several friends that have asked for help. You can’t control your spouse, only your response to their actions. Good luck and God bless

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I would stop the " all out for him", let him get a taste of not remembering his birthday. You are a busy lady. It should be a 50/50 relationship, 10/90. I was in a relationship like that and I felt more alone than I would have felt if I was alone. Everything had to be for him and about him. Birthdays and holidays came and went for me. Thankfully we were not married, he now is sitting in his own apartment…alone! Maybe suggest a marriage counselor or talk with your pastor. Hope things turn around for you.

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I told my ex that I would rather be alone alone than alone together….

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Any chance he could have ADD or ADHD? Everything you’re saying sounds like things the spouse of someone suffering with adult ADHD would say, especially the gaming and no effort in sexual relationships and saying they are trying….not all people are lazy or purposely trying to hurt you…worth checking into at least.

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I want to say I truly understand you and that I was and am at times in this place. I have learned I can not change my husband only God can change my husband idk your beliefs are but I can say I had to give my husband to the Lord and I had to pray for the Lord to heal me and help me for I knew I was not perfect. Then like others have said I had to speak my feelings to my husband truly speak them every hurt that I have held on to . A man does not show emotion the same way their mind does not going 100 miles an hour like ours. No way as a justification but just to try to see a little of them. I’m a sahm my husband works always made time for himself as well. Lots more to it. No one knows your marriage not truly only you do. I have had to come to see that how can I expect my husband to try to change and work on himself if I can’t fully tell him what I feel . I was setting him to fail me as a husband because I wasn’t speaking up. I am not perfect neither is he but I pray every day and I tell him how I feel now can I say it will happen in a blink of an eye no but I have learned to pray and to speak to him about how I feel. We are at our happiest together not me pretending it’s been 9 years and this is the first year we are happy together not by my own Strength but by Gods. :pray:t4:

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Many of us can relate to your situation. Stuck in a rut for way too many years but one day I woke up and asked myself what I was doing. Why was I ok with accepting behavior that brought me sadness and frustration. I walked that day and never looked back. You’ll find your moment and you’ll no doubt do what’s best for you and your kids. Until then we hope you find a moment or two of joy and peace in knowing that we’re all here to support you no matter what you decide. Stay strong :heart:

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I have always said I do for my husband as he does for me. I cook for him because he cooks for me, I serve him because he’ll do the same. I even shop for him because he shops for me too. So yeah stop doing all this extra stuff and ask him to do some of it. Also, try going out on dates. Maybe twice a month by yourself. Maybe that’ll help you feel a little more connected. Best of luck!

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Men are different they don’t show emotion like woman do ! He is probably extremely grateful for all you do he just doesn’t know how to show you men don’t think the little things go along way!
Maybe try date nights to rekindle things doesn’t have to be expensive drive in a room for the night movie night at home or even go for walks together

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First off need to discuss your feeling w/ him. If there is no change or concern then kick his ass out. Stop doing shit for him! Take care of you and babies. Same situation but finally couldn’t do it anymore and had him move out, my stress is way down and I am better by myself.

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I say I would do mutany, and slowly stop doing things for him. Stop going that extra mile. Stop showering him w gifts, stop cooking fav meals, stop cleaning his side of bed, stop taking out garbage, stop giving him pleasures, and see what he does.
Make him relize you might not always be there.
I mean what if something happened to you? Would he be able take care of house n children?
He has to relize your not his caregiver. He’s a man. N one day you might not be here.
And when he finally wakes up one day n ask by he got no underwear washed? Or why something wasn’t bought he wanted. You let him have it. You tell him you want/need a partner! In all things! In life, with kids, with household chores, with cooking, with shopping, doing things together, n if he can’t step up and be the man you need. Than tell him he needs to go. Maybe he will shape up. My man did. Cuz I did it slowly n he relized “oh no, I’m going lose everytging if I don’t step up!!”
If he don’t. At least you know that he won’t.

What You Have To Do Is What I Did Almost 9 yrs. Ago With The Father Of My three Girls!! Just kick him to the curb And Find You Someone Worth Being With And Someone That Knows Your Worth quit wasting your time.

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Hello- first off I just want to say that I am truly saddened for you. I am sure a lot of women commenting have been where you are.

The way that you are wording things in your preface, raises a lot of red flags. Some things to think about: are you giving to give, or are you giving to get? Why seek the advice of women on the internet who may not have the greatest track records for relationships? What have you done to learn more about relationships? You have not combined your finances from the way you words things… Why is that?

Having ask all of these questions of myself, I definitely understand how you feel.

The answers you seek, you will find. If you want to leave him, many women have already given their approval. If you want to stay, some women have express that it’s not your place to change what he does. It is your choice. After all, you picked him.

Having been in a relationship for 14 years, I will say no relationship is perfect. Things that I have done to help me: model of the behaviors of healthy relationships, listen to experts like Dr Laura, Read books on relationships like I would on self help and personal development, use gentle hypnosis to break the habit of being annoyed by the love of my life, be more grateful.

Raise your energy, my dear.

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Stop. My advice is stop everything you’re doing for him. He’s taking it all for granted & you have him so comfortable and he’s not giving you anything because you’re making it too easy for him. He’s ignoring your needs because he can and you don’t say anything but complain, if that, once in a blue moon. Then he dismisses you and it continues. You’re allowing it. Please consider yourself. You’re not treating him like a king; You’re treating him like a child with the benefits of sex with you as a full grown man. You’re doing all the adulting while he plays games like a kid and isn’t taking part in an adult relationship. He’s taking advantage of you & using you. If you’re paying most of the bills and don’t get companionship as a partner from him, why is he there? You’re treating him as the person you wish he was; his potential. Realize you’re better than this & do so before you waste years. I’m telling you. I saw this happen to a best friend and she wasted 20+ years doing and handling it all and hoping the next day would be different. It wasn’t. It never would be. Give him a wake up call. He’ll realize - one way or the other, things WILL change. Sis, you’re gonna realize your needs and desires have to come first. If you don’t make it happen, no one will.

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1st of all and foremost you are not his mother. Quit catering to him. Make him responsible for half the bills and child care. Believe me he will figure it out. If not then I agree with these ladies. Kick him to the curb.

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Get rid! He sounds like a user and sponger. You can’t make a man want you. Stop mothering him and see what happens.

Sounds like you have an adult child your taking care of. If there is not effort from him or showing he’s even attempting to put the effort in. I’m sorry I would not be in that relationship. I went threw the same for about 17 years. Plus a lot more. I left and he was sad I left and I was relieved. It took my stress and anger away. Right now your enabling him to be the way he is and he is very comfortable the way it is. Your allowing his actions. Please expect more for yourself or get out. It won’t get any better if not.

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My personal experience… I felt like I was doing everything on my own (which was frustrating with a supposed partner in the house), so I kicked him out. I’m still doing it all on my own but now it doesn’t frustrate me. This might not work for everyone but it 100% worked for me!! I’m happier, less stressed and honestly I now have one less person to take care of so my load has been lightened. :woman_shrugging:

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Sometimes men to be told directly what you need from him. I hate asking for help but when I do, he helps. “Hey, will wash the dishes for me?” “Will you take out the trash?” “Will you feed the kids”. Men and women are different, we communicate different. Of course I would love things to be done automatically by both him and my kids. But that would be too easy. I believe that they get used to us doing everything all the time. Just because we do doesn’t mean we should. Be specific when you talk. Let him know you need help WHEN you need help.

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Well, my marriage wasn’t as CLOSE to this bad, nowhere this bad. But she wasn’t happy. I say go. You are miserable, and that’s not healthy, mentally or physically.

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What income do you have?? Do What’s Best for your Family. If feeling Neglected. Stop being considerate. Stop buying gifts. Stop!!! And really think your next move.

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Get Your man back at some point he turned into one of the kids. You’re treating him as one of your children, you do everything for him but also allow his behavior. Have a conversation about rekindling the romance plan date nights go away for a weekend. If he won’t put in the effort he doesn’t deserve you

I’m in the same boat, idk what to do either :persevere:

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Don’t give him(or anyone) the power to make you miserable. Do nice things for yourself, treat yourself how you want to be treated. I mean this in the nicest way, sorry if it comes off offensive💛

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Don’t buy anything for him anymore have him figure it out himself and keep doing what you are doing for you and the kids, if he wants to eat have him get up and cook him is food for himself, have him start doing stuff for himself and maybe he will start to realize if not give him a 30 day eviction notice(written) and copied and if not call the cops

Stop doing all the thoughtful things you do for him. He would realize then.

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How do you pay for everything when you’re a SAHM? If all of the above is legit and you’ve tried to talk it through fully. I suspect he’s not worth any further effort.

Equally, it’s worth making sure you’re not amplifying things in your head. If you’re unhappy about something big, it can make lots of little things seem big. It’s possible that fixing one thing (that may be outside the relationship) can help everything else seem less of a problem

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A grown man who games tends to not want to.do anything else. It’s very addictive. He is taking advantage. He may not realize it. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Leave him for a spell or kick him out. He wont know what to do when things arent done for him.you both have gotten intonation bad habit letting things get this way.

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I was like that for years finally got fed up and kicked him out! Except he paid the bills except for the house payment and house insurance.

My husband is the exact same way unfortunately

#STOPEVERTHING as long as his behavior is acceptable or allowed it won’t change. Ask yourself why you’ve allowed someone to treat you like this for so long, you’ll find your answer when #stopeverything

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If your already doing all this stuff alone then kick him out!!!

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Quit catering to him and both get help

Just a segestion if you can get him to watch a movie watch fire proof

You cannot change someone but you can evaluate how you contribute to the situation and remedy your contribution, i.e. ‘doing everything’, if you actually do everything and it’s not just a feeling. Then you evaluate what the other person brings to your life, good and bad. This isn’t to replace him, but to evaluate whether your future is better served without a partner at all.

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Stop doing all those extras etc and tell him your cup is empty as no one refills it. Tell him to get his shyt together.

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Marriage Encounter could help.

Doing to much .you need stop that don’t be a mop .:wink:

Take back your power , know your self worth , and get the hell out.

Sit down with him and tell him what YOU need, rather than what he is doing wrong. Start the sentences with ‘I need’ and ‘I feel’ and you’ll see how the conversation will go much better.
If he’s not willing to work on it, then boot his ass out! You deserve better.

I guess I’m a little confused on how you pay the bills if you don’t have an income. Also it’s not YOUR house. Y’all are married so it’s YALL’s house.

If you’re so miserable then leave.

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He sounds like a spoiled, petulant child who doesn’t have to carry any “burden” at all in raising your family. Maybe if you weren’t coddling him, he would have some incentive to be a cooperative TEAM player. Cut him off the teet and force him to fly. He either will, or he won’t, and if not, throw him out. A “good” dad doesn’t force the mother of his children into such corner.

Maybe he’s got a hormone imbalance. Simple blood test will determine that.THAT could affect many aspects in his behavior.Not being interested in intimacy might indicate that he can’t, and of course avoids it.Most guys won’t admit they have an issue.Gotta be macho you know.

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You do to much. He takes you for granted. In a quiet time with just you two tell him your feelings. I doubt he would ever get if you didn’t.

Move him out!! He is there for the roof over his head!#

Kick his ass out. It’s obvious you don’t need him you have been doing it all yourself. Good luck

Kick him to the curb. You sound like a good person that just made a bad choice !:pray:

Pray pray and pray more and maybe counseling

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Quit making the effort

Kick him to the curb ASAP!!!
All my ex cared about was his gaming, only needed me to buy him games or PlayStation membership

You keep giving, they keep taking…

You cannot expect people change. People don’t change unless they want to change themselves. So it basically just comes down to this, look at your life with him the way it is now, and then think about your life without him the way it would be. Which one seems better to you? You don’t have to have a man in your life to be complete. Either accept the way it is now in teach yourself how to be happy, or you change things for yourself. Can’t change him, but you can change your situation.

  1. Accept the way it is.
    Or
  2. Change up the current situation, maybe don’t treat him like so much of a king if he is undeserving of it.
    Or
  3. Build a life without him, if you can make yourself happier on your own then you can with them.
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Get out. Make yourself happy.

Well if you want i can help you with the sex I’ll pay plenty of attention to you

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband doesn't make any effort in our relationship: Advice? - Mamas Uncut

Counseling
If that don’t work
New husband

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It sounds like you need to go a little further in your quest to be recognized as an important partner. Lay it out there few times: this is not working for you! Caring for the children is great, and important. But you need to get him to notice you are unhappy, and to really reach out and be engaged with you. Maybe you can take dancing together, or some other date night. And stop buying him stuff until some interaction develops between you. Just be sure your heart is in the right place, too. Let small stuff slide, if he is actually making progress in a few areas. Good luck, Friend.

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Stop doing things for him buying his clothes etc. he’s acting like one of your kids… tell him to grow up and consider leaving you deserve to be happy too.

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15 years with a man like that. Same situation. You just have to understand each others love language, and look at all the other ways besides gifts that he shows you love. He obviously works, provides, that could be how he shows his love. All about communication. If it bothers you, communication is key. But if you look at it from another point of view. Gifts dont mean anything. Its nice but, not a necessity.

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Edit: I wanna add communicate big with him and start treating him the way he treats you and just don’t leave right away( I hate when people say this without even thinking about the whole situation)

Okay this is my life also. I knew from the get go that my husband is not a giver especially like me. And I have settle and accept it. I don’t have to like it though. I had to realize that he’s not me. But I have put my foot directly up his ass lately because at this point I want it and deserve it. He’s a excellent provider and father. I will also say he does allows me to do whatever I want :rofl::rofl: and I don’t like surprises. But my advice it do actually have an deeper conversation with him about this. But I will also say it’s somethings you just gonna have to accept that’s not him. You can’t expect him to to be a giver like you. It’s gonna always hurt especially as a sahm. It always feel like we never appreciated it though of

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It sounds like he is enjoying being taken care of…a little too much.
It sounds like you are fed up and should be.
I honestly wouldn’t be staying in this type of relationship because it’s going to lead to some heavy resentment.
Comfort and fear of change works for awhile but…if you’re already asking what to do. I think you know what to do

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Stop doing so much for him buying all them presents will stop. Continue doing for your kids & less for him. He will definitely notice & might start putting more effort.

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He prioritizes his video games over you. That’s a hard line for me. Apparently he needs to be treated like a child and put on a timed limit. He can cut the games and help around the house. As for the gift giving, I wouldn’t buy anything for him in the future. If he can’t so much as simply acknowledge your birthday then I’d treat him the same. See how that goes over with him.

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Seems like he’s getting a free ride without putting In any effort. Match his effort… it’ll go one of two ways, he’ll step it up… or he’ll move along because the handouts have stopped… that’s my opinion on it anyways. Win win either way if you ask me.

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I loved that life for 20 years with my ex husband. My biggest regret, thinking that staying with him because of the kids was a good idea. You deserve a partner, not a man child.

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My husband is very similar , but he does do the best he can and would buy or do anything I ask . He loves me more than anyone could ask for . We have been married 48 years and I pray we make it 48 more . I don’t need birthday presents or cards . But I do need him by my side and if he leaves this earth before me I will not be able to function

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Been there. It’s tough, when I have spoken abt it. My feelings and concerns were overlooked. To the point I felt alone basically I felt single with kids. Before we split he did the small moon phase of him trying but by the time he started trying I was already mentally checked out. And after the spilt I felt no difference in being independent. Mind u, I was trying for 4 months before I gave up when I saw no effort of change and I was working and he was the Stay at home dad. So :woman_shrugging:t4: really u can either keep trying till u mentally leave the relationship before actually leaving. Remember if u stay and nothing changes more fights will turn to yelling infront of kids. And I chose not to do that for my sons mental well being. And honestly our son is fine and happy bcuz we as his parents decided to do coparenting. So far so great. The beginning was abit tough but his dad and I are doin fine communication wise which is great.

Some people aren’t romantic or thoughtful. Every person has their own way of rewinding. I’m sure he has to be the one working as there is a chance of being a stam… Everybody looks for rainbows & fireworks but it isn’t it. If this isn’t the life you want then make a change. My husband works a lot so I’m a stam, I enjoy it & I love him. He provides, is exhausted so I don’t mind him having his time, although, he is spontaneous with romance & spoiling me. Ask for time, even if it’s one night out together or a night cuddled up on the couch. Some men can’t read between the lines… There has to be a reason why you married him & gave him 4 children.

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When I first heard this it clicked in so fast… IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD.

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Sounds like you have another child and need to start setting expectations for what you want him to do. Otherwise, it will never change.

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Sounds like you have a 5th child to me.
Also sounds like you need to really sit down with him until he really gets how what he’s doing is not ok and he knows that you feel unwanted etc because of how he is…

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If you’re a SAHM,. How are you the one paying most the bills? Or buying him everything? Cause usually with SAHM’S, the husband’s the one working… So just wondering not trying to be rude or anything… honest question… And now to my answer… Some guys, or even just people in general aren’t that thoughtful, or have that great of a time showing their emotions 🤷I honestly don’t sometimes. Yes I am pretty thoughtful. But I do have a hard time showing y emotions. And, if he’s working a lot, and you’re home majority of the time, you should be the one to do the majority of the house work. Sorry but🤷 depending how long he works, he could also be tired from work. I work mostly 11/12 hour days. On my feet. I’m exhausted when I get home. I honestly don’t wanna do much at all lol

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I’d completely stop enabling him, set his dishes to the side, set his laundry to the side, start having him take care of the children so that you can have you time, etc flip the tables on him

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You all made covenant together with God…put those prayers to work​:pray:spend more time with God and he will answer prayers​:heart::heart::heart: …don’t waste your energy on repaying him back for bad behavior instead spend more time loving and treating yourself and the kids…put God first…it will all work out and God will get the Glory​:purple_heart:

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I would stop doing the things you do for him and go to sleep by myself every night and see what he does being on his own. Maybe he’ll get the hint.

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Stop what you’re doing. He doesn’t care or appreciate it. You should take a long hard look at your relationship and decide if this is what you want. It sounds like a totally one sided union. Personally I’d tell him change or hit the bricks. Good luck.

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You’re doing and giving everything …over time the more you do the less they do … with some husbands, they get comfortable and complacent… it’s a catch 22 cause you take care of so much, just like kids, they just know that’s what you do … men forget that we are human too and like to feel appreciated and loved and not just thought of as a mom or wife and all the other titles we hold as moms … he needs to know, tell him exactly what you need and want … if he cant be there for your needs, then why should you be there for his ?

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Some times husbands just take it for granted that their wife is just doing her wifeifely duties. You have to get his attention by not doing all the things you do for him, make him watch the kid’s while you go out and take care of yourself, he will begin to notice and when he want to have conversation about it, let him know this is when he is listening and will start to do better.

Wow. You guys need to talk because if things don’t get resolved and you’re not happy in your married life it could lead to the worst thing you can imagine. Marriage is a two-way street, give and take. He can’t always be a taker in your relationship.

There’s a guy named Andy Stanley that was recommended to me by a co-worker recently. After a string of failed relationships I finally watched. He explains how our desires turn into expectations and how that translates to pressure on our spouses, relationship partners, etc. It’s worth a watch I’d say.

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I understand what you are going through. Unfortunately time will likely not change his response, it will likely become to where the blame will be shifted to you. The response will be tired of the same arguments and when you demand more or ask him to leave that is when he may change briefly abiding his time to leave you vulnerable and hurt. My advice is stand for what will make you happy now,don’t waste more time than you half to,to do what you feel you need to. Your children will want to see 2 happy parents,rather together or apart. They don’t need to be taught they are less valuable or they need to be the soul person that cares or provides.

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Sounds like a lot of men I know. In my experience they have exhibited these behaviors (maybe not as bad) in the past

Stop doing so much. It may be painful (and messy) for awhile but are you prepared for 30bor more years of this? Ps. I’m one of them :wink:

Stop doing it all for him why should you he’s taking advantage of you big time and your allowing it

Sounds like you are raising another kid.

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I’m in the same boat. I know what needs to be done…harder said than done

I’m just questioning the “sahm but paying all the bills” part…

Find someone who will treat you worthy and who returns the effort in the relationship and the household.

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Stop treating him like a king. When he asks why tell him what you just posted. It’ll change

Couples therapy? Maybe he is going through his own stuff also?

Either up the insurance and pray for a miracle, or leave.

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Sounds like he might be depressed.

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