So I need advice. My hubby and I have a baby together, and I noticed it’s been rough for him. Before he and I got together, he had gotten someone else pregnant, but sadly, the baby boy didn’t make it( the mother was drinking and taking drugs, he tried to stop her and reported it, but it was too late, and she blames him even to this day). He would have been 4 or 5 by now. Yet we got together, and he told me about it and told me that he’d like to try to have a kid. Well, we fell pregnant, and we had a girl. At first, he was shocked and cried because she was actually in my tummy. But now she’s here, and he loves her to death, he’s always playing and talking to her. I honestly see the love he got for her. But a few times, I caught him sitting and crying, and I ask why his response is always the same. He says he feels like a shit dad and that he doesn’t feel like he does enough. Yet he’s honestly amazing, always helping me out even when I don’t ask. He hears her, and he runs to give her food, diaper change, bathes, and even to put her to sleep. I always tell him that he is truly amazing and that she loves him even thou she to little to understand. When he walks into the room, she smiles, knowing it’s a dad. But he cries at night, and I try my best to comfort him. But honestly, it hurts me because I can’t help. I don’t know if he cries at times because he thinks he’s a bad dad or that fact he’s son supposed to be here. It hurts a lot to see him like this. Please help
I think we focus so much on PPD for mothers and not enough for fathers. Maybe set up a photo shoot and have them take pictures together to hang around the house! Maybe have him talk to his doctor also.
Dads get depressed too. They just tend not to show it much.
It seems to me that he never really got help for the trauma of the loss of his first baby. I’d suggest him going to counseling.
Keep encouraging him and be his rock. I would suggest have him seek counseling.
He needs to see a therapist, honestly losing a child is hard &ppd happens to either parent, not just mothers. Hope it all gets better soon
dads get PPD more often than anyone thinks! Encourage him and love him, try to get him to talk to his doctor. I know it’s hard for men to accept help but it does nothing but help!
I think “I’m a shit dad” is code for “I’m still grieving my son and I’m terrified something might happen to my daughter”.
I agree with therapy. He hasn’t healed yet.
I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, my heart goes out to him and you he cant help how he feels even though its not his fault, so id just be there for him, be his shoulder to cry on. Encourage him, tell him often and just outta nowhere what a good job hes doing and how wonderful he is. It might take a bit but he’ll start to believe it to
I agree with those above. Sounds like PPD. He needs therapy and possibly some medication.
Encourage him to speak to someone, to work through his emotions of his lost son. It never hurts to talk!
Record him and your little girl together, sometimes my husband doubts himself then I show him a video of him interacting with our children. It’s eye opening for him.
Keep encouraging him and praising his efforts out loud. He absolutely needs to heal from his loss, that was major. As baby gets older she will help him become better with time. He will learn as he grows. Oh and dad groups r real & help sooo much when our men start to feel they can do more. Men need just as much patience, understanding & healing as we do.
the only thing you can do is keep reassuring him.
Male PPD is a thing and honestly this sounds like my PPD! I was constantly crying because I felt like I wasnt good enough and didnt deserve something as perfect as my baby. I was mean to myself and felt like I was failing. Those first few weeks are HARD.
He should look into counseling. He probably has some guilt of his little boy but being here (although he did nothing wrong in that case). Keep encouraging him. He sounds like an amazing dad.
He should go to therapy to deal with his depression from loosing his son.
There isn’t really much a dad can do during the baby’s first year and he is already do what he is suppose to and doing a great job at it too. My dad never even changed my diaper when I was a baby but was a great dad nonetheless.
wow that’s everything a perfect father would do… what more could a child deserve then to be perfectly loved and cared for by the both of you. He should be such a proud father I think corrie above is correct we focus more on the mothers what about the fathers that struggle to see how amazing they are and all the love they give? He’s doing such an amazing job get him some help and figure out how to open his eyes to this underlying depression he may have so you can work on it together as a team. Good luck
Yes on therapy, and it takes a long time for someone, to realise that they’re not shit that the other person told them they were.
Dads can get PPD, too, and this sounds like what it is. Sounds like he might still have some unresolved feelings of guilt and sadness from what happened to his son, so I really think he should look into counseling.
I think he may need to go to grief counseling. Many times, we grieve and dont even know it. He may need some help healing from the previous situation.
I am so sorry to hear this , we had a still born and it very much affected my boyfriend as well , he suffered severe depression and even had to stop working at a couple place for a bit (hes always got multiple jobs ) … PPD is real in men too and we forget it . Be a support , suggest therapy, listen and just be there.
Fathers can get ppd and it sounds like that is what is going on. I suggest he makes an appointment with his dr and have his dr decided what’s the best course. Therapy or meds. Make sure you also provide words of encouragement and let him know that he’s a great dad
This man is still grieving for his son. This new born child brought the grief back to life. And then there is the fact this child is a girl child. But maybe God didn’t want him to mentally replace the first 1 st son by immediately giving a second son. I don’t know, love him , reassure him and if nothing else get him to talk to his pastor
everything above would help, but for my husband therapy would be the last he would do. I guess my suggestion would be maybe buying him something he could wear or maybe a little memorial on the wall… or make something… tell him it’s ok to feel like he’s not doing enough, us mother’s think that ALL the time, let him know his feelings are valid and ask him.if talking out loud avout his rainbow baby would help him.
I WOULD DEFINITELY CUT ALL TIES WITH THE EX, it’s her fault and she’s dealing with her own demons and feels guilty.
Omg he’s a wonderful dad!!! My ex has 3 kids (2 with me) and he’s barely does a thing for them probably couldn’t even tell you their favourite game… I even had to pay a babysitter even though he didn’t work… my current SO is off on parental leave doing the same things as your hubby feels the same way he’s not doing enough and that right there is a good dad!!!
I agree PPD definitely. Therapy and meds maybe and lots of reassurance. He sounds really lovely. I hope all works out for you both xx
Take pictures and videos of them together without him knowing. Compile a “slideshow” and show him.
Write him a letter explaining to him everything that makes him a wonderful father.
He should seek out some type of counseling to help him confront his grief but these are small things you can do at home to help him.
He is probably grieving the loss of his son and all of the repressed emotions and feelings that he didn’t even realize he had are surfacing. Just reassure him and if it gets worse see a therapist.
Sounds like PTSD. He should talk to someone.
He needs to go to therapy, there are some deep rooted issues there that you alone can’t heal
He sounds amazing. See if he will talk with a therapist. Sometimes we all need someone else to hear us out. I’m sure it is very hard for him losing a child. Be as supportive as you can. That man deserves love
Take a day to do a daddy day. You can make it how you want but maybe write 100 way you are the best daddy and maybe make it a mini treasure hunt but make it fun and a day for him. Sometimes just positive comments like” I don’t know what I’d do without you babe you help me so much with baby girl and we both appreciate that so much” help. Maybe he just needs to be told that a few times a week or maybe even get him to have a deep conversation with you one night and get to the bottom of why he feels like that. He sounds like a great daddy!
He needs to seek mental health therapy, he has some feelings he needs to deal with
Yes.He is still grieving.
Been there. It’s rough cause you see other families doing things and kids advancing and you want that for your child. Leaves you wanting more then you fall down this worm hole what ifs. Dad’s have their moments too. I do suggest talk therapy and maybe some anti anxiety/depression meds. Just remember to love her and be there, poppa. Best thing you can do.
Do you know if this story about the other child and woman are the truth? Could there have been another scenario possible that he is not talking about with you for some reason? Maybe there is some way he can be comforted. Reaffirm that he is doing so much and maybe have the little girl he loves be with him when he feels sad to cheer him up.
He’s still grieving mamma. It breaks his heart to not have his son here. It’s not his fault. He tried. But it was her choice to harm the baby. Not his. I’d suggest grief counseling and maybe go with him as a supportive role.
He sounds like an amazing father. Keep talking to him about it, and maybe see a pastor if hes up for it. Sounds definitely like he is grieving still and feels maybe that he is a failure because of what happened to his son. Rest in peace sweet baby boy. Im sorry for his loss and he is in my prayers.
Sounds like he has baby blues daddy version. He should talk to his dr
She is definitely young enough to understand love mama. She sees and feels it. Dads get depression too, and while it seems like you’re doing great comforting him, try to include him! Come up with ideas of things to do with baby, and invite dad! “Let’s all go outside, want to help me give her a bath? Want to take her to the park today? Let’s read to her. Help me get her to sleep tonight!” Anything, big or small include her dad. It will make him see he’s loved and appreciated even more and baby will respond. Maybe suggest for him to see his doctor. Say little stuff, we appreciate you, look how much she loves you! She seems to like your voice…stuff like that. It’ll only help! But I definitely suggest seeing a doctor or maybe even just a counselor for him to vent to. You’re doing a great job supporting him. Good luck!
Sounds like he’s mourning his baby.
He is a great father but he does need a therapy just someone who will just sit and listen to what he has to say about his son and how to handle the loss
I tell my guy a great parent does not think they are doing enough or being the best. We evolve with the growth of our children.
Maybe it does have to do with the baby that didn’t come home, just keep being there for him and ask him if there is anything else you can do for him, and maybe just remind him after he does something for baby, tell him how much you love how involved he is and helps out and you love how your daughter lights up when she sees daddy! Little things like that can go along way;)
Your hubby needs some professional counseling.
He needs to learn how to handle these thoughts and emotions.
Record him in those sweet moments when he is playing with her, they call asleep together, etc… Make a slide of it for him and send it to him. So when he feels down and not good enough, he can watch his slide and see himself that he IS a good Daddy.
He is the only one that can help himself. He needs therapy.
My son would be 3 now and I have a 7 week old…
I cry a lot because I just wish her big brother could be here with us.
Losing a child is never easy and the grief last a life time.
Has he tries going to therapy?
It is helping me.
He sounds like an amazing dad though I wish my hubby was even a quarter that helpful!
He needs counseling/therapy. He is still grieving and dads can get a form of PPD as well it’s just different. Ours is usually caused by hormones being out of whack, men I’m not sure what causes it but they get this way too. Make sure he takes breaks from all the baby care, tell him to get some him time and also you two get a date night or just couple time. But definitely talk to him into getting couseling/therapy to help him through everything he’s gone through.
He needs therapy and probably some grief counseling
You will always cry for the ones that was lost I still cry for the baby I lost I have two daughters who I love dearly but you will always miss the one that was lost it’s been over 30 years and I still cry for the one I lost you always wonder what would they look like but it doesn’t mean the one you hold in your arms you love them any less
My husband dont have much time with my kids espically with my almost 1 year old baby due to work. But when ever they play i always say to my baby “aww daddy loves you” or “aw thank you daddy for kisses and hugs” as in admiring my husbands love for his son. I am not sure if it will help but its another reasurance for my husband. I did this with my 2 year old and hes been saying thanks to his dad since he can talk lol.
Counseling can do wonders . Suggest family or grief , talk with him ,tell him your pain and concern.Decide together to try counseling ,and what type . Good luck !
Hes grieving, you feel like your betraying the baby you lots when you forgot for a few minutes and enjoy life! I still have days like that and my daughter been gone 19 years now. Some loss you just never get over!
There is nothing he could have done… If the mother chose to to drink and whatever else nothing would have stopped her… Some people just don’t care about the possible effects, only care about themselves.
He should talk to his dr!
Sounds like he needs to seek out support for the child he lost, either a dad group or counceling.
He. Needs therapy. Hes mourning his baby.
He should see a therapist
He does more then my husband. he’s a great father to ur daughter! He might have post partum depression
I do hope the previous woman isn’t around instilling how it was his fault!! He is fabulous as a Dad!! My Lord I could only wish my sons dad was like this! He might be depressed as his little daughter reminds him of the child lost? Anti-depressants maybe and someone to spill his guts to. Someone to tell him the loss was not his fault and daughter won’t replace the loss of one. He obviously loves his daughter so much!!
He need a psychiatrist or dr for counseling. Hes suffering from depression death of his son. Get him help now
I lost a baby 11 years ago and I still cry now, it doesn’t go away and it’s hard when you see your other kids growing up. He just needs to know your there for him and that you understand watching her grow. But not his son must be hard xx good luck
I think he feels guilty about the boy he lost, that’s on that woman’s shoulders. He should talk with a professional.
Post partum for fathers…
He need help to sort his mind out poor darling
Maybe you could do a photo shoot and put a baby boy as an angel in the back ground and for him to see it nd hang it up as a memory x hope he gets better
Tell be crying for the son he lost, he sounds like CA wonderful man and daddy for your daughter but he did loose his son through no fault if his own, suggest counselling I hurt for him xxx
He sounds wonderful. Someone a daughter can look up too.
I can speak from experience. I lost what would have been my 4th child in between my son and my daughter. It was devastating and I felt so guilty for getting pregnant. He probably is realizing now how much he loves her and it makes him feel guilty and sad that he couldnt do anything to help his son. Its also going to be a constant reminder of the things he didnt get to do with him. That doesnt mean he loves her any less or more or same with his son. Also he’ll probably be super sensitive because of what happened with his son. He’ll constantly be questioning things with her because of what happened. Try to just keep reassuring him and maybe just give him a hug and make sure hes okay. Also maybe try to find a way to show him how much he means to you. Maybe a special picture of them 2 together his favorite candy. A back rub something like that. Lastly be aware (and I mean this with total regard for you too) just be aware that men get PPD too. Not usually as often as moms because we have all those extra emotions we have they dont. Just keep an eye on him. It does happen. And I applaud you for being so sensitive to this. Its tough when you lost a child and you have one after. Your supposed to be all happy. I was obviously but its oberwhelming at the same time. Good luck