So my husband and I have been together for 15 years. We had a little bit of a rough patch and decided to separate, while we were not together he got someone pregnant on a one night stand. He has no relationship with her whatsoever, but he does pay child support. We got back together before she had the baby, and we now live across the country from her and his son. My big question or concern is that he/we has no relationship with his son either. It’s very hard because they live across the country from us, and he’s too young to communicate with. My husband is an amazing father and partner, so he is torn as well. With the distance, are we better off letting her raise him and keeping our distance, or should we try for more? My husband has been having a very hard time and has seemed to develop an “out of sight, out of mind” attitude. We can’t afford to fly back and forth to visit regularly. If we wait until he’s older, will it be too late? We also have two children, and we haven’t told them. Should we, or should we wait until they’re older whether we have a relationship with him or not?
How old are you waiting for?.
The truth will set you all free eventually. You should keep up a relationship if all parties are in agreement. Compromise and love
I would have let him stay with her. I wouldn’t of even taken him back. A break is meant to focus on yourself. Not focus yourself IN someone else.
Honestly and this is just me being a petty salty bitch, I’d buy him a one way plane ticket and let him go be the amazing father to his son. If a child has a chance to have both parents in their life I’m all for it. But sounds like he didn’t even care about the break. 
My first question would be did he have a DNA test? If he is 100% his, I would do what you can to establish a relationship. Babies can do video chat. If you can have him go visit his son once a year. Send gifts.
And tell them about his other kids.
Perhaps you should see about moving to there state for you guys to be closer. I don’t think having another baby is going to make that feeling go away.
Visit when you can. And facetime. Phone calls. Tax season maybe buy tickets to go see him twice a year. So u dont have to worry about tickets throughout the year.
Get the bio moms opinion and come up with a decision together. Maybe she will move back? Maybe not? Offer what support you can to her as well
You all should pack up and move there. You do not wait to have a relationship with a child.
Keep up the relationship if he doesnt the child will grow up without a father, period.
I just could not live my best life knowing I had a child out there no matter where they lived … that poor kid is gonna grow up thinking he wasn’t good enough and your kids are gonna grow up to resent you for not allowing them to have a relationship with him … it’s just sad that “an amazing father” would question to be in his child s life or not
You guys honestly need to talk to the mom. Don’t let that baby go without his biological father, especially if he’s stable enough and more than willing to be. One of you guys should really try moving closer so it won’t seem so much of a hassle.
He needs to man up and take care of that child why does he live so far away from the child?
You must be a very understanding person because I can’t get past him having a kid with someone else, break or no break. He took a break alright. And paying child support is good, but the kid is eventually going to want to know where his dad is.
Why is you husband having unprotected sex with anyone other than you? Putting you at risk of GOD knows what? Seems very irresponsible…
Ask the mom how she prefers it, because jumping in and out of a child’s life does more harm then good, yes he might “know” of his father but he will also remember “why wasn’t he around when I was growing up” and why wasn’t I important enough for him to stay. First get a DNA test done, but ask the mom how she feels before just deciding to pop in and out of that child’s life. 
This kid did not have choice to be part of this mess your husband and this women created. She as a right to have a Dad
You are such a better woman then me. I wouldn’t of went back to him. I pray you find the answers you are looking for❤️ you are so strong
Sounds like a lot of excuses.
There is no way I’d ever be with a man who can just say screw you to their own blood! If he can’t be a father to him but can yours and you think that’s ok then there is something wrong with you. It also seems like you chose to move across the country. Need more details to not prove you and your husband are being POS.
If you wait until he’s older he’s not going to know who you are and will think you abandoned him. Paying child support does not replace his presence in that child’s life.
Ask the mother what she thinks is best. Sounds like you have the best intentions. Just dont go into his life to disappear. In or out.
Wow I have to say not many people would stay in a marriage where this happened. He needs to step up and be a father to this child as much as he has for yours. It’s not the child’s fault and he deserves to have his dad on his life.
Just wow…“amazing father and husband”? Lol
If he wants a relationship with his child he will find a way let him fly out alone I mean if you trust him there’s no need for you to go. I hope he has the pants to stay a father to this child I would be in a relationship with a man who walked out of his child’s life that really screws with children’s life’s you know they feel unloved.
You ask the woman who is there every day raising him alone what to do. You don’t wait for a relationship with your child. Especially knowing he has other siblings who have had their dad their whole life and be doesn’t. I’m sorry but that just a horrible thing to do to a child. This is coming from the mother of the child being raised without their father or siblings. It breaks my daughters heart and she is only 6. Imagine breaking that to a kid who is older.
My daughter’s dad makes a big deal about how his other kids are more important than she is and it really hurts her.
Oh dear 
that is a horrible story. I would not take him back 
. You are too good
This is such a hard hard position to be in. My heart aches for all involved. I understand that it is hard to uproot your whole life and move acrossed the country. I honestly believe that some type of relationship with the child is better than no relationship. As the baby gets older he could be resentful or more understanding. Ugh I wish I had the perfect answer for you.
If he’s paying child support is it court ordered? Or is he just sending her money? If it’s not court ordered and he’s just sending her money then she can get him for back child support and the money he sent her personally will be considered a gift. He should at least try to get some type of court order to be in his child’s life. If the mother is ok with going with out court order and willing to set something up for him to be in his childs life then that’s great! Just communicate with her and see what she feels, if she’s a bitter person the court it is.
Totally understand money being an issue atm. But have you thought of video connecting with the child for now? As they get older they’ll look forward to it. Save up money for trips there, and to pay for him to see you guys when hes old enough.
He can talk on the phone with the baby. The baby can listen and get to know his voice and will also make noises in response. He can also do video where they can see each other. That’s what I did when my kids were babies. He should also be communicating with the mother. He should be discussing how the baby is doing, know about when the baby is sick, the different stages the baby is going through etc… He’s not a great father if he’s making no effort to be in that baby life regardless of how far away he lives. How is that baby gonna feel when it grows up knowing only it’s siblings were good enough to have a father?
Face time with that child no matter if he don’t know him or it’s small he has to get to know his face and voice .
Skype or whatever platform but use facial recognition with the baby.
Your. A good woman to even consider that …or even forgive him period . But not the kids fault of course
Hes not a good partner if ge went and got some one pregnant. On a break or not that is still your husband and that is still a child you both need to step up out of sight out of mind is bullshit excuse for not seeing his child distance dosent matter if you give a fuck about your kid. You have 2 other kids and care about them so why should this one be any differant. Grow up
Well my thought he shoulda kept his dick in his pants break or not your still married but anywho now you all have to figure this out
Be a father it’s his child period
“Amazing husband” lmaooooo
You have such a good heart… My advice to you is that it’s better that you guys tell your kids and maybe start saving some $ and when the other kid be a little bigger you can go w your kids and meet him… meanwhile he can try to do FaceTime so his son at least could see him once in a while. Good luck and be blessed
I hate how everyone is attacking you telling him to be a “dad” as I was reading this my heart hurt. This isn’t an easy case. You are asking if it would hurt the child more for you guys to be in and out or if it would be more beneficial to stay there or to just let him be raised by his mom. I really don’t agree with the statements that are saying he needs to “man up” because it isn’t that simple. This is a very hard situation and she sounds very hurt and confused. She is confused because she wants to know opinions on how they could make this work without damaging the child’s mental well being. 🤦
Have you considered moving closer to the child so they can have a relationship?
I’d say the relationship between the father and child needs to be worked out between the father and mother, and hopefully you’ll be supportive and an active participant in whatever plan they choose to pursue.
Child support is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of litigation if the mother decides to put up a fight.
No advice. I’d of left his sorry ass.
I live in Washington state and my son’s dad lives in Arizona, we’ve been doing it almost 16 years. It’s hard but it’s duable.
What bother me is that his siblings doesn’t know about him.Why y’all haven’t told the other kids?? I feel since they one your husband should told them about their sibling. He can always face time time with all this technology we have now is a lot of ways to communicate and your husband should at least try to fly there twice year
Did you move across the country knowing she had a baby on the way.
You say he is an amazing father but he has a out of sight/ out of mind attitude with his youngest,( that in my opinion is not an amazing dad)he pays support but doesn’t see him, this child deserves his father in his life too, he didn’t ask to be born, you can FaceTime, visit him when you can, and at some point you should tell your kids about him
Ewhh what man has sex with a girl one night and doesn’t think if he will get her pregnant
The great thing about platforms like Skype is that his child would be able to see his face and hear his voice as it grows up, especially since you don’t live near the child. The “out of sight, out of mind” mentality is unfair to his child. That baby is no less his child than your other two children are. I would recommend he use that to his advantage so he can build a relationship with his son. It would also give him a chance to get updates from the boy’s mother about his well being, how he’s doing in school eventually, etc. Send pictures of yourselves with a birthday card/Christmas card each year. If you’re all agreeable to it, inform your children that they have a brother. I went through this with my husband’s ex and their son. She didn’t want to tell her son that my children even existed until he was nearly 12 years old “because she didn’t think he could handle it”. When she finally told him, he said “oh okay” and spoke with my son for the first time on the phone that same day. As far as child support, it’s good that he’s paying it, but as others have said, get him to get it court ordered so she can’t screw him over for it later.
He shouldn’t have moved to begin with. He made him he should help raise him. I’d move back and get 50/50 he deserves his daddy and he should have a relationship with his sibling. It’s a shitty situation but its not the kids fault its your husbands
I would consider moving possibly… And I would definitely tell the kids
Whether planned or not, that is his own flesh and blood. If you up and moved across the country, would he out of sight out of mine you guys kid? Move closer if the distance is an issue. That is his child, that is your childrens sibling. That child didn’t ask to be here.
This relationship is gonna break you.
I would probably wait till the kids are older to tell them because they will be asking tons of questions and asking to see the sibling. If yall can’t afford it then its only going to cause y’all more problems. When the kid is old enough then id try more for an relationship
Your on a break for a reason… How would you build trust on a break when he had a baby with someone… else?
I’ve been in the exact same situation 
Me and my man broke up, he had some fun with another woman. After a short while we got back together. She waited til it was too late for abortion to tell us she was pregnant. I accepted that, no hard feelings or resentment from my side, after all the kid did not ask to be born. My man chose to cut all contact because she used the kid to try to get back together with him(only reason she kept it). The kid is now 10(i think) and has had a few fatherfigures already. My man pay child support for the kid, but we dont want contact with them. From what i’ve heard about that kid, i dont want him around our daughter…
You should speak to the mom, and come to an agreement. If she wants you guys in their life, she should be helpfull when it comes to visits (tickets, place to stay etc).
So, I have a different view point. Women are allowed abortions and no one says anything negative about people placing infants for adoption. He messed up, got someone pregnant. He is helping financially which is more than a lot of men who were actually in relationships with the mother. He isn’t a father to that child simply because they share DNA. If you guys are fine with this arrangement, so be it. If he wants to be involved with this child, he should start communicating with the mother about what type of relationship would benefit everyone.
My brother lives several states away and he gets his kids in the summer time all three months. Maybe something you guys could think about
He’s not a amazing partner or father. Got another woman pregnant while married and then abandoned that child
What does the baby mama want?
I personally couldn’t have a child and not have a relationship with them and be in their life. So it really depends on what he’s comfortable with.
But I also think your kids deserve to know they have a sibling
I dont know what to say about the contract as i couldnt take a man back if he slept with another women on a break(he’s now my ex husband for doing this ) let alone had a child with her but I never lie/ keep things from my kids always tell them whats going on . How much you tell is up to you And their age but always be honest or it bites you in the butt
Skype, facetime etc…tell the kids. Start building a relationship with the baby.
Sperm donors are a thing, folks. And that’s all this dude is. A sperm donor.
You got back together Before his baby came, and Now live across the country? Sounds like you already made your choice. Assuming you didn’t move to get away from them in the first place, then you could have made the choice to move closer then and try to create a bond. You didn’t. You moved cross country and left them “out of sight out of mind” and just let the bank take care of the situation. I say do them both a favor and keep doing what you’ve been doing and stay away. Let them move on to a man that is going to be there because he wants to know them, love them, and take care of them. You guys just keep playing blind and hope your husband never wants another “break”.
Doesn’t aounds like a good dad let alone a amazing one. Of course the kid’s should know. If yall can’t move closer at least he can be involved as much as possible. Video chat works great to help fill some of the distance.
Child support & Skype is your best bet. Visiting can happen way down the line when the child is more aware.
Well being in the almost same situation ( my dad) I didn’t know that I had a half sister until about 5 yrs ago and I’m 32 and he knew all along that she was his but didn’t say anything it bothered me and still kinda does. Me honestly tell them let them all Skype or face chat so when they do get older they can meet and not have that strange feeling or hurt just my opinion hope this helps
My son’s biological father moved to Australia and married someone over there who has 2 children of her own. They have since had a new baby (my sons half brother). I have A TON of feelings regarding my ex’s choice to leave him here and move somewhere so far away from his son. It was especially difficult watching my son struggle so much from the sudden “loss” of his bio dad.
It has been approximately 2 years since he moved (I think). My son has already taken one trip to Australia to meet his new family. His stepmom has made a very huge effort to be a part of my sons life and I can tell she loves him. My ex calls/FaceTimes with my son several times a week. Sometimes more sometimes less. They send gifts for Christmas and his birthday and my ex is consistent with child support payments. So my opinion is as follows for the person asking these questions on fb:
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If you want a relationship, make the effort. It’s that easy. Call on a regular basis. Send things in the mail. And make that child a priority in your life, or you don’t deserve to have a relationship with him when he is older.
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There is no such thing as “too young to communicate”. That’s a crock. You can call, FaceTime, send pictures in mail, make a story book with your voice, etc etc. children will remember these even if they are non verbal.
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Tell you kids they have a sibling. Be honest. Or they will resent you some day.
It all lies in the taking a break from each other… Ok so you both were on a brief break but to go out and have UNPROTECTED sex with another woman is what is uncalled for !! That is not fair to any of the 4 sides here, yes I side 4 sides… Your side, your husband’s side, the other woman’s side & now the abandoned by the father’s baby’s side… That is no way & no form what you would call a good FATHER, maybe it might seem that way to the children you both have together but certainly NOT to the child he abanded… Sad to even ask if a FATHER should be a part of his child’s life ?! Maybe this child would be better off not knowing, at least he will no grow up thinking his father abanded him or walked out of his life and is happily raising his other children he walked out on at one time when he so called was taking a break as well…
Video chat daily with the child. Send cards, letters, and gifts. Save up money for a yearly/twice a year trip to go see him. The mother should also save up money for yearly/twice a year trips to bring the child to see the father. Tell your children about the baby, they can join in the video chat/sending letters. When the baby gets older, maybe do split custody. These are all things your husband should be doing. “Out of sight, out of mind” does not a good father make.
First off, I could be with a man who would step out on his kids and just act like it’s out of sight out of mind… not my kind of man. Breaks are a stupid excuse to sleep around and get back together. This child didn’t ask for this bs. He isn’t so “awesome” of a father after all. Damn this is screwed up.
Same here girl, we were separated for a bit, and he got off at the time pregnant, difference tho is she took him from him. No idea where they live, blocked completely. Tho he doesn’t pay child support it kills him daily that he has never seen his only son other then a few pictures that a friend sent to us off her facebook.
I swear these “breaks” are just an excuse for men to cheat.
As much as it hurts or whatever that is still his child too! Grown enough to make a child grown enough to help raise!
Man keep ur distance. N Keep that can of worms closed. The mom doesn’t seem to worried about the kid having a relationship with ur husband, I’d keep it that way
1st… Husband and the baby mama should talk about what they both want. Then decide from there. Me I would move to be closer to my child. We have. 2nd. I would let the kids know… the older they get the less conection they will have with there sibling. And they could resent you both for it.
your either in or out 100%
if your in at all, tell your kids they have a sibling. If you hide the fact that they have a sibling they may resent you both later. Because they WILL eventually find out.
Despite how the other child came about, it’s still his child and that should be all that matters. you don’t just abandon a child because their distance is inconvenient.
Skype FaceTime photos, visits will be all the child needs to know he’s not forgotten or dismissed.
Kids will remember who tries. If he wants to know this child he needs to write, call, something while the kid is still a kid.
How would you feel if he didn’t see your kids cause he moved? So imagine how that mother feels. It’s about the child not about you or your husbands feelings about it. He made that child he needs to be there for him to like he is for yours.
Should of told your man to use a condom.
Someone posted earlier about a guy that she had a one night stand and got pregnant. The guy had a family already. Is this the family and the man? Lol smdh
You guys took a break and then he slept with a chick then she got pregnant. That doesnt make him a good dad to that baby he is a sperm donor and should just cut ties if you guys cant afford to visit or aren’t goinf to save up.
I feel like your letting this man hurt everyone!
You-during the marriage and the split by getting someone pregnant,
the mother- by not being involved,
the child-by not wanting to be a father and the
other kids- by lying!! I mean it seems like he only cares about himself!
Start getting to know baby through phone calls or Facetime. He will catch on quickly. My nephew knows my voice on phone. Maybe talk to her about visits for summer.
My friend lovingly accepted her husband back they together went thru the baby mama drama. Got his rights in writing and accepted this innocent child. Her and her husband are still strong their kids know they have a sister but now the baby mama took the lil girl away. It’s a situation to work on together. I’m not married but their faith and love brought them back together and they’re pretty happy these days. Finally decided baby Luke 2 mo old is their last
If it was a one night stand r u sure it’s his
- This whole post just seems like everyone involved are in such bad places mentally & I hope you all can make the effort to heal.
- All in or all out, seeing how it was to easy for your husband to leave you, I just worry for the poor baby growing up to have hope and glimpses of having a father, for him to just leave the baby too.
One night stand so a DNA should be done. When or if fact the baby is his then when age appropriate tell yours they have a half brother or sister across the US. I was told my ex had another son but my ex and I were best friends and he would have told me cause our son would have loved that and I would definitely accept. My ex passed when our son was 7 so I will never know. I left my ex when our son was 3.
I have a similar situation but on the baby mama side. My ex husband pays child support. I moved due to the military. I set up visitation via Skype but he never committed. If he truly wants to be around he will be. Ask the mom to set up something via Skype! Yall can do it once a month to get the ball rolling and once she knows that yall are committed yall can do more like every weekend.
I was young when my parents split. Dad in NC mom in TX. It always meant so much to me when he would fly me out there (mom bought return ticket he bought destination ticket). The baby is too young to fly on his own but if you have the funds the father if allowed needs fly to them and spend time when he can. A bit at Christmas, some in the summer. Take photos and build a relationship. Boys become men, and to be a man they need a father.
Tell your kids, its their half sibling you cant keep that from them or they will hate you when they eventually will find out. If you cant relocate back closer to the child, then perhaps arrange regular video calls so the child will ‘see’ yous and over time come to know who you all are. There are ways and means to everything its just wether you want it enough or not.
He better be in his son’s life now before it’s too late and his son doesnt want anything to do with him
That’s not good it would be hard to take him back wait till you can see the child and then tell them
So he traveled across the country to sleep with & impregnate this woman when you 2 were on a “break”? He abandoned his children with you during that time. Now he abandoned another child to be with you. Honey, don’t you see a pattern here? He has doesn’t care about his kids, it’s easy for him to up & leave them. I’m sorry I couldn’t be with someone who abandons his kids so easily. He’s not a good father. If he were your kids would come first. He wouldn’t have gone across country & got another woman pregnant. I’d be filing for divorce. He needs to figure out a way to be in all his kids lives.
Ur stupid!!! To even put this out here,DIVORCE!!
Every child deserves a father. Especially a good one. If it were my child, I’d be looking at moving closer to BE a part of the child’s life. Does your husband really want to be in the later years of his life and regret not being there, muchless having a relationship with that child? Is that guilt and regret something he’s willing to live with? Cuz I sure wouldn’t and couldn’t. Forget the situation. That’s irrelevant. The fact of the matter is, this CHILD needs both parents. And it’s not his FAULT of how he came to be in this world. Y’all are focusing on the WRONG THING here. Imagine all your cherished moments with your first two children. Now. Imagine completely missing them and not even caring. In my mind, there is nothing that can compare to the joy a child brings into your life. Is it easy? No. But nothing worth doing is ever easy. He needs to be there for the child and make the effort, or he’s not there father you say he is.
You and him are obviously good people to be feeling and thinking this way. So first off, good for you both for thinking of EVERYONE involved. Get a court mediator maybe to try and work something out to benefit the entire family if at all possible. Without the mothers consent and agreement I’m not sure there is much that yous can do.
I get it y’all had a break things happend that life my suggestion let that child apart of yalls life add her on FB and you can FaceTime so the kids can see eachother and so y’all can work together time to pull up your big girl pants and start co parenting I FaceTime my family all the time its how we stay connected when we cant be there in person