My husband had an accident in 2020 how long do I have to be patient?

How long should I be patient? Back in Sept 2020, a horrible year, my older brother, who I was very close to passed. My husband had an accident. He fell from a tree about 35 to 40 feet. Broken pelvis, broken collarbone, broken right wrist. Now he has had 4 surgeries on his wrist and 3 on his pelvis due to recurring infections. They have removed hardware and he has a wound vac for his wrist He has been working full time cause he needs to to feel good and normal. My issue is his overall attitude. He has been through hell I know I have been right here with him all along.He is way beyond crabby all the time. He is very mean, my daughters and I are afraid to be around him. Swears, throws stuff. He is allowed his moods but when is enough enough?+It is stressing me and causing me health issues. Always been a very close family. But now it’s just destructive. I think it is just a habit for him now.

245 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband had an accident in 2020 how long do I have to be patient?

Is it possible that when he fell he suffered a traumatic brain injury?

18 Likes

If he’s on pain pills, I’m assuming he’s had plenty of terrible pain, that could be a trigger to the personality change?

17 Likes

He might have PTSD and the anxiety is manifesting as anger.

14 Likes

Definitely sounds like he has ptsd.

1 Like

Uh uh, nope, it’s not him. I’m assuming he’s on opiates, because like, why wouldn’t he be? He broke his body. It’s the opiates that are making him mean, I promise you that.

10 Likes

Did he hit his head? If so, talk to the doctors about his changed behavior and get a scan done. There could be trauma that was missed due to other injuries.
If thats not the case, I would say that he needs counseling. You don’t deserve to be treated badly and perhaps the counselor can help.

10 Likes

The man has been through severe injuries and is probably in pain still. I know I am very cranky when I am sore. Alternatively anxiety and ptsd may be affecting him… he needs a lil more help.

4 Likes

Was his head checked for concussion? Also he may have ptsd due to what happened.

If you and your children don’t feel safe around him though then it’s time to step away and look out for yourself and your children. You don’t want him to harm you or the children cause he throws stuff. Eventually the throwing stuff can turn into actual physical violence towards you guys.

10 Likes

Is he on pain meds? I been down that road with my ex. It’s changes them

8 Likes

Did he suffer any head trauma? If so, it could be a TBI. If that’s the case then agitation and aggression are VERY common in someone with a TBI.

4 Likes

I’d talk to him. Tell him that you know he’s been through a lot, you all have. But his bad attitude is messing with everyone. Tell him you all are afraid to be around him. And just because he went through a lot the doesn’t give him permission to treat the rest of you badly. If things don’t change then you have to think of your kids and your own mental health. It’s just not good to be around so you have to change it. 

3 Likes

My husband was on a motorcycle accident and was in coma for 24 and I’m experiencing the same, is getting better now and what it has happened is talk to him on a calm way to let him know that “hey youre getting grumpy calm down” I think it’s the trauma

3 Likes

When a person has pain all the time which I’m sure he has. Bone surgery and pain are almost intolerable than he is probably worn out and cranky from the pain. He needs to work less while trying to heal his body. Maybe mention it to the Doctor so he can give him something to calm him or a different pain medication

7 Likes

Post traumatic maybe?

2 Likes

Sounds toxic I’d talk to him and tell him you’re considering leaving so he needs to work on his attitude or you’re out

3 Likes

Meds? Head trauma? Severe anxiety stress manifesting as anger. Talk to him about it and see if he’s wiling to take changes or seek help for it. If so work through it….if NO then BYE you’ll have your answer…gotta work towards a safe healthy peaceful environment

4 Likes

His life was ruined by that accident. He’s on medications. He’s suffering PTSD. He needs help. Don’t leave him in his time of need.

15 Likes

Sounds as though he’s in pain all the time. He has also had to adjust to life not being as it was that in it’s self is depressing. He needs to see a therapist. It is hard excepting you can’t do what you use to and giving them up it’s harder to except. I’m speaking from experience so I know he needs to see a therapist to help him understand his feelings and make the adjustments he needs to. Support is all you can do for your husband plus make his appointment for the GP so they can do a referral for a therapist. As for the kids well they to need to show some support, mow the lawns without being asked.

14 Likes

Pain meds will do this! And also the ptsd!! Or if he hit his head and has a TBI it could cause anger! One of my very best friends has had two TBI’s and he gets very angry very quickly! Good luck I’m so sorry you’re going through this

3 Likes

He sounds depressed, he needs to see someone for help, and you shfind someone ti talk to too.

1 Like

Throws stuff? If you feel unsafe why are you with him

2 Likes

Check his medications
My son takes a med that causes him to be an asshole it was legit one of his meds I was so ready to throw punch his ass and come to find out it was a medication

Get him into therapy asap.

4 Likes

“In sickness and in health”

7 Likes

Therapy for him, you and your girls

4 Likes

Sounds like PTSD any kind of trauma can cause it get him to counseling

2 Likes

Sounds like he’s in pain, tell you understand his struggle but the abuse has to stop because its not fair to you and your daughter and you aren’t going to take much more.

3 Likes

It’s the pain unfortunately causing his mood changes and lashing out. He needs pain management

6 Likes

He needs to talk with someone to cope with all this or get on some different meds. While he may be in constant pain that doesnt excuse his actions. Its not fair to you or your children. I would suggest maybe staying with family for abit and letting him know enough is enough and youbare readybto walknput unless he changes. You should not walk on egg shells, you should not be afraid of what will set him off next. Unless he gets the help needed, he will not change and that will be your new norm. Dont let this be your childrens life, think of them

3 Likes

Get him help it sounds like he has PTSD and talk to a carer support group or call a support line for help yourself.

1 Like

Could be his meds, check for side effects, after knee surgery they put me on anti inflammatory pils that turned me into a raving [email protected], I’m so glad I figured it out and stopped taking them😢

3 Likes

Get out for awhile take a break see how he is and how you feel! He is in the wrong!!!

1 Like

He may have experienced a concussive headache injury. It may be complex PTSD. He may simply be angry/bitter and unable to self regulate his mood and reactions because of the pain medications he’s likely still using.
Are you guys able to communicate about your experience and that of your daughters’?

5 Likes

Depression, pain meds…it could be a number of things. I’d suggest looking into different meds, Med changes, therapy…something to help him. That’s kind of a life altering event and can’t be easy on his mental health. If he refuses any kind of help, then I’d talk about leaving…in sickness and in health :woman_shrugging:t2: I’m sure it’s hard though-hugs.

1 Like

Hun, having an accident, poor health etc does not give anyone the right to treat their loved ones like crap and make them afraid to be around you. This isn’t a case of you being patient at all… this is about his behaviour not being okay and no excuses are acceptable for that. He needs to go get some help with his moods regardless of their cause before he loses his family. Draw your lines in the sand and explain that you want this to work, you love him, but you will not tolerate it any more and he needs to start working with you and with some help for things to get better because you cannot fix it yourself. Support him in doing that absolutely, you’re a team, but if he won’t play his part in it, then you need to think about yourself and child

11 Likes

If your daughter is a minor child she is relying on you to keep her safe. If his actions can’t meet the safety your daughter deserves then Regardless of reasoning your job as her mother is to get her to safety. Yes he needs help but he’s gotta be willing to see there is a problem and seek help.

3 Likes

Pain pills… if he takes them, they are to blame. I know from experience with my own traumatic accident and the pills that followed.

4 Likes

Pain changes people.

4 Likes

His life got turned upside down, major injuries, his mental health is probably all the way off. He should probably talk to someone about that. You may have been right along side of him but that’s no where near actually going through it.

9 Likes

As a person that had freak accident at 21 that completely destroyed my whole life I understand him. It’s not right he’s scaring u but I felt like him. It’s hard to lose use of your body and have to feel useless and have to depend on ppl for everything. He needs therapy not for his wife to leave him too.

7 Likes

I imagine he’s in a tremendous amount of physical pain. Not to mention the mental toll. Go with him to appointments and tell his drs what’s going on. Pain can turn a saint into an asshole. I was in an accident in 19 and still have a lot of pain and I’m also quite unpleasant when it gets bad and I can’t get relief. It honestly sucks for all involved

He may need therapy. He also could have had a head injury as well an it wasn’t noticed. You may have lost a loved one but he saw his life flash before his eyes and that is beyond terrifying. Oh it yourself in his shoes. He probably hurts 24/7 without any real relief from any of it. If you don’t go to him when he has appointments you should and if you have them you need to be asking his doctor about mood swings and anger issues along with depression. He could be experiencing the mood swings bc of depression as well as anger issues. His mental health has been compromised by a near death experience. I’m going to say you need to be patient for a lot longer bc his pain has consumed him an without some relief even if it’s not pleasant for you is the only thing keeping him going. It’s nit right nor is it fair but can be fixed by his doctor.

4 Likes

Seriously?? Lol obviously he is hurting and taking it out on everyone hes in pain and maybe help him instead of complaining sorry not sorry

Put your foot down and don’t allow the outbursts. He can feel his feelings and ptsd without abusing his family.

6 Likes

You need to check what the statue of limitations are in your state.
Never go to social media for legal advice. Each state is different.
Just my suggestion.

I cannot stop thinking about Gregory House.
Sorry your family is going through this.

2 Likes

Many pain meds cause us to be ornery. Wean off .

2 Likes

Did he have a brain injury from the fall ? Concussion? Sounds like he may be experiencing mood swings and emotional disregulation and even ptsd.
I recommend looking into cognitive behavioural therapy. This may help him come to terms with this awful experience and help him control his emotions. This is very tough. Good luck.

6 Likes

Chronic pain is brutal 

2 Likes

He needs therapy! Sounds like he’s feeling inadequate self pity and less than. Even if you dont make him feel that was thats what he thinks he’s mad at himself for the whole situation and doesn’t know how to move on and feel like his old self again

1 Like

No offense, but I’d be in a mood 24/7 too… he’s probably hurting and working full time isn’t helping at all.

2 Likes

Sounds like he has PTSD. This is not an excuse for his behavior but is a sign he may need some help working through his trauma.

1 Like

Just kick the dog down the road. For better and for worst didn’t mean ish to you.

2 Likes

Did they do any brain scans when he fell from such a height. From the sounds of it could have been an injury to his brain. Also, sounds like he is not dealing well with what has happened to him, which is understandable. Counseling or a place for him to release his feelings about the whole thing for him and you would help a lot. You both have been through a lot.

3 Likes

You should also have him checked out for a head injury. Whether he knows it or not, he could have an injury. A 30 ft fall could have easily caused a brain bruise without showing any outward signs of injury. That would explain a lot of the irritability and mood swings. Also, if he’s in a lot of pain but not doing anything about it, could also explain his moods. Try to be patient and talk to him about this. Remind him that everybody is involved in this situation.

2 Likes

first see another dr for a brain scan…counseling…Pain Meds…replace them with some medical marijuana …

6 Likes

Pain and ability can become very traumatic, you married him and you have been doing your best to be supportive, however he maybe suffering from ptsd caused by the accident. Try and get him help either from a doctor or someone who can just talk to him like a good friend or if his parents or siblings are around sometimes pain can turn a person really ugly. I understand how you feel, as I was in a terrible accident in 1989, and have had to deal with constant pain since that day of my accident. Yes there days when it is so bad I can barely move at all, but my husband to be at that point helped me get through it, and now I support him with all his health issues. God Bless and good luck and stay safe.

I fell at wirk in oct 2020. … broke my elbow… surgery caused radial nerve palsy so I go to OT 2x a week(over a year now)… I’ll be the first one to say PAIN will make you have a drastic change in your attitude, personality, everything! I go from being sad, mad, depressed, angry and everything in between - and a lot of times all in the same day! It’s hard being sick, hurt for so long and having to deal with everything that goes along with it. He probably doesn’t mean it… just try to be supportive is basically all you can do till he “feels better”

4 Likes

Have him talk to a therapist. I get he is strong willed but if his mood/attitude has become bitter, angry, and aggressive then he could very well be physically and emotionally addicted to his pain medicine. If the meds are oxycodone or OxyContin then he has bigger problems than just recovering from his multiple surgeries and he needs real help. Try to get him to see a therapist and possibly agree to detox. Good luck. You have a community here that will give you multiple shoulders to lean on

5 Likes

He needs therapy. He’s angry and it’s understanable.
That said, all of you should go.
Living with someone who has PTSD and TBI w/ memory issues, it’s hard on the family, it’s worse on him. It’s ok to get help.
That said, if he won’t go, you may need to seriously consoder seperating until he gets help. That’s not an environment for children. They deserve to not be raised on eggshells. :black_heart:

4 Likes

Youll know enough is enough when you dont have to ask someone else

5 Likes

Pain. He’s in pain. They won’t prescribe meds that help for fear of addiction.

5 Likes

Tell him straight up to get therapy. Let him know even though he’s hurt it doesn’t give him the right to treat others poorly. Put your foot down. Tell him he doesn’t get mental help your leaving.

3 Likes

You don’t have to put up with his attitude. You were there for him when he needed you most. Don’t be abused for your kindness and loyalty

3 Likes

Ask your local hospital about what ‘pain management’ services they can provide. Options and choices are something that becomes a privilege when just breathing hurts.

2 Likes

Obviously no excuse for their behavior but sounds like therapy is in check… seriously for his health. my partner was hit head on by some drunk/high woman. And this is what we both dealt with for a few years, along with other issues before we seeked help. Therapy did wonders. Now it’s not a 100% bandaid, but even figuring out for both of you what’s going on could help tremendously. You could also check for head injuries, we didn’t at the time, but we suspected that it may honestly play a role in some of the intense feelings he goes through from the violent injuries to his head. Just try to figure it out together, much love!

1 Like

What they said- make sure there isn’t some kind of brain injury. And make him acknowledge his behavior. If he isn’t willing to change then hit the road. He can be miserable by himself

1 Like

Pain changes people but eventually for some people it turns into a crutch/excuse for their sh*tty behavior. Therapy helps some people but isn’t a cure. People like to excuse behaviors like his by pinpointing it on pills and trauma. Bottom line is you need to protect your children and keeping them around someone who already scares them and could potentially carry his behavior further physically is dangerous. You can work on things separately from him from a different household. It does sound like it has just become a habit and others won’t understand fully unless they are you. I almost died in an accident several years ago. To this day it still haunts me and I have flashbacks. Everyone’s different though. I took medications and didn’t develop an addiction but I’m not everyone. I was already in the middle of a divorce so it’s not like it changed either of our wants but we weren’t everyone. I went through therapy and it didn’t do much for me but it wasn’t my cup of tea at the time. Only you truly know your husband and children and personally, if you and your children are SCARED of him, you need to leave. This could cause long term trauma to your children and yourself and that’s not going to help any of you in the long run.

1 Like

Have you talked to him? I encourage you to get a therapist for you, for your marriage, and your family. Wishing for better days ahead.

1 Like

Any chance he’s developed a narcotics addiction from pain pills? The description of actions seems to fit with things I’ve seen. Of so, potentially try to get him help. But in the end he’ll only change of be wants to. Don’t subject yourself or the kids to it longterm

3 Likes

Tell him if he behaviour doesn’t change you will leave with the kids, yous should not be going through that. Especially the children

2 Likes

My husband had back surgery about 8 years ago now has a steel rod in his back. He has healed fine but is unable to work. He has trouble with balance due to nerve damage. He has fallen and broken his arm steel plate put in fell again broke arm same place and the steel plate broke. Surgery again thickest plate they have. He has healed but will always be on pain meds due to his back. He has outburst and is angry a lot. He sees a psychiatrist who has helped him a lot.

1 Like

He probably feels like he’ll never be himself again and it’s probably very hard I’m not saying his attitude is justified but he’s probably pretty low feeling

1 Like

Was there a head injury involved?

2 Likes

Sounds like a possible pain med addiction…

2 Likes

Maybe from the pain medication codeine makes me real mean after a couple day’s Norco too

1 Like

How long would he stay patient with you?!? Illness is never a reason to be mean… sometimes I think we are mean to the ones we know will stay but fear is not worth it… if you’ve talked to him and he hasn’t changed or showed change in attitude I would walk

3 Likes

He’s obviously developed PTSD go easy on him
He needs help. He was once so independent. Now he ain’t. I’d be a wurl wind of havoc too.
Learning to do thing’s much different then you’re usual day to day is the worst.

1 Like

There is no other step forward from this for y’all, unless he takes a new step towards therapy and gets help. He needs it badly. To raise your kids in this toxic environment is not ok and is only going to make them have problems when they are older. Y’all both should go to couples counseling and then both of y’all to separate therapy to learn how to Koop with each other. I know this is heard but if it’s worth saving your married and family over then do it. At least you know you tried if all else fails. I’d maybe tell him you and him need to start going to couples therapy and if he doesn’t then separate and move out until he decides to go, but make sure to reassure him you’re not leaving him but giving him space to think about what he’s been doing and what he’s missing, he will eventually realize it and go to therapy. Good luck. Leave before it gets worse, especially if you’re saying you are afraid to be around him.

6 Likes

I broke my foot a year ago and had a head injury and I’m just starting to get back to my routine after nerve damage and even now during workouts I can hurt it with the slightest off balance move or step. Often I would go without complaining and living in pain. I think anger is a form of pain but that behavior is not excusable. I did lots of OT and follow appointments and taking care of all the other responsibilities and kids usually putting myself last and postponing recovery possibly sooner by simply being too busy to take care of myself first… And I didn’t even have surgeries with that accident. I did have an auto accident and a surgery a few years prior and that was a really crabby state too. Needless to say; concussions and head injuries need further examination. Explain this behavior to a specialist. I can also see how easily it would be to fall into depression or get addicted to pain pills etc. being lost without full mobility or difficulty accepting what’s happening. I would Maybe consider couples Counceling? I think it’s amazing that you are with your husband during the hardest part of this life chapter.

1 Like

Does he have opioid painkillers? They might cause that. And the trauma, stress and possible lack of sleep maks it even worse.
No, you don’t have to deal with that with your kids! Just leave and see if that helps to open his eyes and if you want to try together in some way.

2 Likes

Sounds like enough is enough now babe. You not feeling safe is one thing but your children not feeling safe is a totally different thing. Pack your babies up and take them to where they feel safe, they’re what matters, he matters too but not when he doesn’t treat you all with basic respect. Good luck xx

2 Likes

Maybe he’s needs counseling. After the trauma he’s been through. Most companies pays 4 councilling. If not go on your own if on medical aid all da better. Provincial is good. But might take longer.

2 Likes

Pray Pray PRAY… And I don’t know but you should go to counseling together and separate… He can also get on meds for anger issues… Of course he is mad… Wouldn’t you be too? He doesn’t know how to channel his anger yet. Pray, counseling and communication and if necessary natural healing or meds

1 Like

to me it sounds like he’s been dependent to long on u , and is just wanting all the attention for himself - i think he is feeling self cautous about things and he himself doesn’t really know what to do - so he is taking it out on family . maybe what u should both do is some marriage couniling it may help -it will get him to talk about his anger and how he feels now since his accident . i would suggest to do this for awhile and if u still feel the way u do now -maybe u’s could just seperate tempoary and just maybe your husband will see things in a different light .maybe

1 Like

There can be a few explanations I can think of.

He’s on medication that alters his mood.

He also got a concussion or TBI that wasn’t caught.

He’s depressed from the accident & not being able to do everything he can.

That’s just what I can think of. Call his Dr & talk to him. Maybe he can look further into this personality change & find a treatment to help him.

6 Likes

I live this life. Mine had 2 brain hemorrhages. I don’t feel that it will ever get better.

3 Likes

This is major Trauma. There is no time limit…seriously!

1 Like

Should prolly all go to therapy… Have u tried talking to him about it

1 Like

My very first thought is medication. The wrong meds can change a person.

Has he developed an opioid addiction? Is he drinking? Sounds to me like something systemic is causing mood swings. If he wasn’t like this before, can you talk to his Dr? It could be a number of things but he needs to see his Dr.

That situation would be rough and it’s very toxic for the rest of you.

4 Likes

Hes in pain. And being unable to do as usual is frustrating. He’s in his own head

2 Likes

I would say you do not HAVE to do anytbing. Sounds very hard to deal with. However, if he went through that much I assume he was on pain killers (narcotics, opioids) could it be that that changed his overall tone…? Still on them? Off of them and wants or needs them? It’s up to you if you choose to stay and try and fix it. But it does sound very hard and toxic. Maybe he needs help. 2020 was rough for all of us and most of us didn’t break half of our body so I get why he is stressed but you and your daughter shouldn’t have to deal with it. Or be the punching bag (figuratively speaking)

6 Likes

He needs to talk to the doctors and let them know how aggressive he’s being!

2 Likes

He needs therapy to process his emotions surrounding the accident and both you guys need couples therapy to help elevate communication

2 Likes

Regardless of his pain or trauma, he is a father and shouldn’t be terrifying his children -there is never a good enough reason to take it out on your children. Period. He also has no right to take it out on you. Trauma sucks, but we are still responsible for it and if he is having issues, then he has to be the one to take that step. You can help him, be there for him, etc. But you and your children should not be verbally abused or afraid in your own home. Zero excuse for that behavior.

7 Likes

I can understand his frustration. I’ve had ongoing health issues and some days I get so fed up with being in pain or feeling like :poop: and I get super crabby and pissy… but I recognize it, and apologize. He needs to recognize his behavior and work on managing his issues in a healthier manner.

1 Like

I feel like a fall that far he has some sort of head injury or TBI. I have a TBI and let me tell ya if that’s the case this will be him forever basically. You have good and bad days. If he doesn’t have brain trauma can you imagine the pain he’s going through? Not only that frustration, probably not feeling like he is worth much since it keeps getting infected and having to have surgery over and over again. Maybe you should have the drs check out a scan of his brain.

3 Likes

Was he forced back into work to quickly? A broken pelvis can be crippling for some.
Have you considered getting a job to ease the financial burden?

3 Likes