My husband has been lying to me about money: Advice?

Unfortunately money is the #1 thing that leads to divorce. He needs to provide for his family of 3 and not support his parents and sister who is married. Sounds like they are taking advantage and need to be cut off soon. Hes not their personal bank.

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Im not for separate accounts but in this case until he stops lying and not communicating then I wouldn’t be allowing him to touch most of the money :thinking:

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Wait, what?!? He needs to cut the cord or you will have to.

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Are you sure it’s for his family? He could be spending it himself on stuff he probably shouldn’t.

I would seriously be considering your future with him, honesty is key in a marriage.

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After taking a deep breath my concern is what happens to you and your child/children should he lose his job, get hurt or die. Who is responsible for those loans, credit cards, etc.?

Then what is your savings like?

College fund?

I believe some financial counseling needs to be done…first for you and your husband so everyone understands what is considered “extra” money that can be given away.

Next the situation with his parents could be they do not have enough money to live and maybe scraping just enough without his help. High medical, insurance, etc. I know as I thought both my parents were living comfortably. Not until they died did I realize just how much they didn’t have and sadly it was too late to help after they were gone. They were separated, never divorced lived in different states for the last 30 years so each had their own finances and struggles.

I sure wouldn’t end a marriage. However, you do need to be able to trust him in the future so y’all have some serious talking to do.

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Work the issue at hand. Why do they need the money? Maybe he grew up thinking he has some kind of responsibility towards taking care of everyone; a codependency. Something or some series of events has led him to believe he has to be their support. Don’t give up on him yet but do suggest that he go to therapy and both of you go to therapy to salvage the marriage and rebuild the trust. You say he is a good man who works hard; well, they can be hard to find. Let him know how you feel and that his first responsibility is to you and the family you created together. Best of luck for a good outcome.

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As long as he’s using HIS money and not yours than it is fine. I don’t know his family but if his parents need the money and they try their best than that’s all anyone should want. He

I’d immediately separate all accounts and income and make him pay 50/50 for all the bills

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Cut them off. I’d be pissed. Parents are ok. To an extent… sister… no she is married and her husband needs to step up

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This one is tough. The biggest question is: WHY ISNT HE DISCUSSING FINANCIAL DECISIONS WITH HIS WIFE??!! I would check to see that he is in fact being truthful. I would also put a stop to it. I think there is more than meets the eye here. If he hid this from you- I’m sure there is much more to discover. Dig deep.

I would never end a marriage because someone is helping their family.

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Sit down with him and explain you don’t have a problem helping his parents out but he should talk to you before doing anything as large as loans, his sister has her own family and unless ots an emergency he shouldn’t be sending her an income

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What ELSE is he lying about? Hmmmm

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She better stop accepting money from her own parents before she cries about her husband spending his money on his own flesh and blood. Family first. Not someone who has been around for 4 years lol.

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WOW. I’d be pissed and end that real quick.

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Set up a separate checking account and keep his name off it. I

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You need to talk to someone regarding finances NOW NOT LATER.
It may be time to seperate your accounts, decide who is responsible for paying this and that equally to your incomes. Have the paperwork drawn up, signed, and notarized.
Sending money and helping ones parents is normal in many cultures. But deliberately withholding information about loans, credit cards,etc makes him a big liar. If he lies about money what else is out there for you to discover? Does he have another child out there he is supporting? Do the two of you have a will? If something happens (God forbid) to him will the creditors come after your joint assets for theit money? They can if both your names are on your home, cars, businesses. If you have children are they protected? Do the two of you have an educational fund?
You stated your family were financially secure. Maybe they can recommend someone for you to talk to.

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Instead of walking away which is very silly, understand that he is helping his family. Take the time to really think about your decisions. Is this hurting your family financially? What will happen if your family let’s say loses tons of money and their identity is stolen? You just never know what life will throw at you. I think he needs to be transparent and take on the financial responsibility for them and you can help if you want to. My family is going through some financial struggles and my husband willingly offered to help. I thinks it’s all in thw way you BOTH tackle it. Do you honestly think that once your married you dismiss and forget about your family?? Seems you didn’t have a close relationship with your family that didn’t involve money. :thinking:

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Nope. He would not be my husband after that. Too many really big secrets there.

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Parents I can see helping,but sister nope :-1:

He may come from a toxic family and if he doesn’t help he gets guilt tripped if he doesn’t help out.

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Noooo get separate account and it is not okay for your sister in law will keep on draining your bank account good luck put it joint account you will know that he did it again without your knowledge about it. Don’t trust him and he have to earn his trust again .

First of all it doesn’t say anywhere the loan included her, if all my bills are paid and my mother or siblings need money im not gonna watch them struggle. We come from a very united family and at this point I’m grateful my fiance knows that and understands it where I don’t have to tell him where my money is going plus that’s one thing he loves about our family that no matter we take care of each other no matter what, because his family has always been one for one.

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Well, he thinks you are not okay with it because he would not of lied to you if he did. Somewhere along the line, you gave him the impression or outright told him not to.

Look at all of these other people commenting that think he is taking your money and sending it. The guy has a job and he’s sending them his money since it seems to be to each their own.

Talk to him about his sister since she is taking advantage. His parents shouldn’t be an issue at all. I’m sure most people would be happy that he was sending his parents money and not some side piece.

If you take these other people’s comments to divorce, you’re just as shallow as the rest of the rich.

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I think some people are completely overlooking the lying and dishonest part here. They may have their bills paid for now, but how long is that going to last if he continues taking out credit cards and loans? What’s her debt to income like at this point? If one bad thing were to happen would they be able to handle it on their own or no because he took everything extra and gave it away without her knowledge.
Should she divorce him at this point? No. Talk to him. Clear the air. Figure out what is going on with his sister and what is going on with his parents. If they can give a little more to his parents without hurting themselves ok good, but taking out credit cards and loans is not helping anyone.
You are NOT rich if you have to take out two credit cards and a loan to help your family out. That money is not yours. It has to be paid back with interest :woman_facepalming:t3:.

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I would have to leave my husband or tell him to cut it off not my kids not my problem

I would never stop my husband from helping his mom and i would do the same with my parents
If your parents never had money im sure u would help them
As long as he is looking after his family at home i don’t see the problem helping his parents

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My husband told me that he will not live with regret after his mother passes, his father has passed. He said his parents worked hard to make sure they had and he will do the same. My mil lives in Mexico and so maybe a different situation but I don’t get involved much with the money sent. He feels responsible for her as he’s the only child here in the US and I’m ok with it.

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If he is from another country he has a wife/children over there… but then again third world country ppl send money to the family and if they don’t the family gets mad….

Take away the credit cards, take away his bank card, give him a weekly cash allowance and take over the finances yourself. Pay everything off and close down accounts. If he doesn’t like it, tough! If he opens more accounts behind your back, leave him because he’s financially reckless/deceitful and will only cause you more, bigger problems down the road.

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Nope end that . Ur job is to work for ur future . His family can work. His responsibility is you . Peiod

You two are coming fr different money backgrounds. You never struggled, he together with his family had to live on a tight budget.
You must first understand that, then work thru your financial issues , one by one.

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Maybe hes lieing to you about helping his family and putting the money somewhere else? That could be something too …I would definitely have a talk and if the talk goes know where then you need to walk away and tell him you will walk away if this doesn’t get fixed …that’s what I would do 🤷

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Enjoy feeling what it’s like to be 95% of all men in western civilization.

If you were a man, your questioning and worry would be called misogyny and spousal abuse… denying your spouse of money when she requires it… tsk tsk.

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Trust is important in a marriage. No good can come from his behaviors. You have to pay all his debt if he dies early. Enough! Counseling and an attorney to explain these facts to him is urgent. If not resolved immediately, get a divorce. Lying is not a way to live, intolerable for me. How about you??

They are for sure taking advantage of him. Sounds like the sister is especially. My mother did the same shit. She found out I got a bunch of money from a settlement and she was claiming she needed $500 every Monday for my brother’s court fees and probation fees and my dumbass helped every Monday like clockwork and come to find out he was paying his own fees so she was doing whatever the fuck with that money. Drugs im sure. It’s sick how family will just easily take advantage of another family member.

He shouldn’t keep on doing this…sounds like he has done enough for them… and sis needs to get a second job

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Time to get a divorce I wouldn’t do anymore with this guy I’d find another man who wants to support you and not his family it’s okay to support your family but they’re taking advantage and that’s wrong

He needs to be honest but something tells me that you know how to make him pay for his bad deeds

Couple thinsu could do. Talk to him again tell him helping his parents is one thing but his sisters hubby should be taking care of her not him. And he should be more worried about how the family he helped start is getting along in life. I would definitely get his name off any bank accounts associated with the money u earn since he is irresponsible with it.

Are you better off with him or without him. Don’t let money break your marriage up.

I am more concerned about the hiding because it could be he is sending money for a child he has that you are not aware off or a whole family? Why the secrets and being sneaky? I would do a whole lot of checking with credit cards and loans and if you owned things together that he has sold!

Take over paying the bills and discuss his parents needs and agree on how much to help then you have some control of your financial future.

As long as he keeps sending them money they’ll continue to ask. He should only be sending his parents the agreed upon amount. His sister isn’t a factor since she’s on her own and can provide for herself. I’m going to have to say you need separate bank accounts. That way he can’t link you to credit cards or loans taken out without your knowledge. He knows your family has money and at some point in the distant future that money will come to you in an inheritance. I would have a friendly chat with his parents and sister to make sure that’s where the money is going since he didn’t feel he needed to share that information with you. Better to get everything out in the open.

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He needs to stop enabling them. They are taking advantage. They need to live within their own means. If something happened to your husband the money would stop!! Need to have serious Talk!!

Maybe he is putting it away for the rainy day he is going to be hit with in the future. Can’t take from him what you don’t know about! Everyone told me to do it but you Never Expect it to happen to you

When I filed for a divorce … one “day” I received a phone call :phone: from an attorney …
Telling me that my HUSBAND was “in his office at that VERY moment, about to file for Bankruptcy, and that IF I wasn’t there in 15 MINUTES (I lived at least 30 min. away plus it was during after work traffic and this was in Downtown Cali) that I would incur ALL of HIS debt :money_with_wings:

Well, I didn’t know what that meant … so I jumped in my car :blue_car: and drove like a bat :bat: out of hell. I made it there in LESS than 15 min.

And found out …
This stranger I had been married to for 11 1/2 years (and known & dated for almost 24) … had over four bank accounts, and and over four (4) credit cards :credit_card: in MY NAME … in addition to His, that were ALL maxed out, AND Loans taken out, all kinds of debts that the attorney never said what they were for … and another huge debt of $60,000 dollars!!!

Which he said if I didn’t sign … I would be stuck owing!

But it gets worse (if that were possible) while we were waiting for the divorce to finalize, he kept coming to the house wanting me to sign a document, I would tell him to leave, and that I wasn’t signing anything (he was violent, and completely unpredictable).

Well, I could see that he was beginning to get agitated (meaning a beating was around the corner) or possibly worse. He had actually threatened to kill me & our children.
So when he came back for the countless time … I told him Fine!! Give me the documents, I will sign under duress!
By the time he got to the parking lot, he had realized that I signed “Mickey Mouse.” :mouse:

That paperwork/Story saved my Butt … in Court!

Because he ended up, forging my name on that document :page_facing_up: which was ANOTHER Loan, and he received it!

And brought it to court, demanding the Judge, to make ME, pay for Half!

ONE :point_up: Last Story;
ALL the years I was married to him; he had me believing he made low paying wages, and that we were dirt poor. Living in squalor. Not even having enough to buy my kid’s school clothes, myself panties, or a bra … for 11 and 1/2 year’s!!

Come to find out, we had A+ credit, and he made almost 3x the amount he said!

A trip to a car dealership, revealed this truth (I was told I could purchase ANY car on the lot, and a whole lot more) :disappointed:

I found that out, before I filed for the divorce.

It was here, that he admitted … that he was a habitual liar.

Ya think! :thinking:

The problem was, he wasn’t Repentant. Sorry yes. Sorry he got caught. Sorry that I stopped his fun :star_struck:

But changing … lol :joy: I still haven’t seen that happen. And it’s been 17 years later.
And BELIEVE me, I left ALL the crazy :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: stuff out!!!

My personal advice; do NOT run to divorce court. Earn your divorce! I firmly believe that. If he happens to “also” be cheating … take this as a sign from God … and run for the Hills …

Other than that, I would suggest council & an attorney to see what you can legally to stop him. And make that part of an agreement in order to continue to stay together, should it happen again “once” you work things out in therapy.

You are a couple … and he is functioning as a Lone Ranger.

But he hasn’t has “any” problem working with his family members, when it comes to making these arrangements. In the meantime, YOU are financially responsible & obligated for these loans and directly effected by them.

It’s beyond disrespectful! And appalling. And his family should be ashamed as well. But … it falls on him. It’s not their responsibility, they didn’t marry you.

Try council, and a attorney to make things legal for your protection, in case he refuses to change.

  • Good luck luv.
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Fan Question

My husband has been lying to me about money: Advice?

“after we got married, I got to know that he had taken a loan for his father.”

No harm in doing this but he should have been able to tell you first.

“We paid the loan, and I thought this would end here.”

You said “we” paid off this loan that he took out, so youust have agreed to this arrangement which was good.

Did he give you a reason to believe it would end there or did you just assume that?

“I recently got to know that he has two credit cards that I wasn’t aware of.”

There is a fine line, within a marriage when it comes to sharing financial aspects and allowing each partner to make adult decisions for themselves without having to ask permission like a child. Having credit cards is an adult decision to make for oneself.

“he has another loan.”

And that’s ok. You don’t have to agree to pay his debts.

“When questioned,”

That’s why he’s not open to tell you when he is making a decision.

“he said he did it for his parents and his sister.”

And assuming he is being honest, that’s okay.

“I also found out that he was sending extra money to his parents and to his sister.”

If you can stop giving the man reasons to feel awkward for making family decisions, he would probably feel free to discuss these things with you.

“His sister (who is married and well settled) also keeps on asking for money,”

This is where the problem is, not the husband.

“and he keeps on giving her.”

And that’s okay but again, you don’t have to pay his debts.

“I want to trust him again,”

There was nothing to distrust in the first place. There appears to be a a reason for such lack of communication and thats probably because you expect him to report to you when making personal decisions for himself.

“but I fear that he will lie again.”

What lie?

Y’all need to have a chit chat. A chat that doesn’t involve you telling him what he can and can’t do for his family. Suggesting a compromise, perhaps is best, such as letting him know that it’s okay with you that he sends his family money as long as it doesn’t come out of the money used to support your immediate family. Meaning, he has options such as taking on a new job to help support his extended family, etc. A decision like this may mean less time that he spends with you and your kids and you need to decide if you’re open to that or not. If you’re not you need a plan as to how you will move forward so when you have this talk you can tell him that you let his decisions affect you and what your outcome will be.

I wouldn’t say this is grounds for divorce but if you two can’t agree to allow compromise the marriage won’t work.

Adults making adult choices is natural. It only becomes unnatural when one tries to override the others freedom of choice.

You made no mention of shared accounts or that this money is coming out of your pocket except that once when you mentioned “we” paid the loan off. If he’s not using your money, this is good.

Hide cash until you can go on your own, get a divorce and take him for all his money

I agree ,obviously they keep wanting more if that is the true story hes telling u

I would first want to make sure that he was sending it to family. My EX. Was a gambler. Had the bills going to his moms house. She was paying the credit card. I didn’t find out until I did a credit check.

Grow up silver spoons …

Are you sure he doesn’t have several girlfriends

Take the same amount of money he spent on his family take it out and put it in a savings account in your own name

I think what you guys agreed on in the beginning is fine but for him to lie again on two cards and a loan isn’t okay. Marriage is all about trust and communication. He also needs to understand that he has a family of his own. That extra money that he’s sending off could be good for you guys to save. I think you should get a separate account and put your money into it just in case something happens.

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It sounds like he’s a good man with a big heart. I wouldn’t leave, i think this is something can be worked out. As the post says you came from money and he did not. Maybe before you guys got together he had to help pay for the family bills as money was tight. It’s good to set aside an amount to help them if they need it and doesn’t affect your bills but no not secrets. Get it all out on the table.

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My fiance went behind my back and paid his brother’s bail by bonding out our truck. I only found out about it when his brother skipped bail and we were faced with paying off the balance or having the truck taken. We struggled A LOT because of that extra debt and it really sucked. Imo, couples need to always discuss to whom and how much they loan money. It’s a matter of respect. Hiding things like that is shady and opens that little window, creates that little doubt in the back of your mind, wondering what else they could try to pull behind your back.

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This is a joke right lol