My husband is back to not helping me with anything: Advice?

My marriage was falling apart about four months ago to the fact he was asking me to draw up divorce papers (I work for an attorney firm) then my feet went numb, and I couldn’t walk, so I rushed to the hospital only to find out I needed spinal surgery. I was in the hospital for about four days when my husband couldn’t handle looking after our two years old(Even though my mom came in, cooked and cleaned, and took care of her, he just had night shifts) to the point I had to beg him to let her sleep by my mom. My mom would tell me every day what a pig he was and what my house looked like ( I have OCD, so I love everything to be clean and tidy.) He came to visit me in a hospital and told me he had reverted back to his old ways by being addicted again. He promised he would stop, and I can test him at any time. Our marriage was getting better once I got out. He took care of me, cooked, cleaned, and even looked after our baby. But now I’m doing better, and I have to do things alone again. To me, marriage is about teamwork, working together to keep our baby safe in this covid world. I’m not talking about mopping ECT every day. Just to make it tidy before we go to bed. He has also decided that for the last three days, he is sleeping on the couch, I find him awake at all hours as I go outside to smoke when I wake up, and he is watching tv or doing something on his phone. I don’t think he is a cheater cause he had that happen to him, and he was heartbroken about it. We have been together for six years and Almost married for 2. I’m not too sure if I can do this anymore; I’m kinda getting used to doing everything myself and sleeping alone. His salary is more than mine, so I do need his help. I had done all this before when I left my first husband and had nothing, but now I don’t want to do this to my daughter. He is the best father when it comes to playing, and our daughter absolutely loves him to death. Any suggestions on what I could do to make my and my daughter’s lives better?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband is back to not helping me with anything: Advice?

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Redate again do something fun

If you think the relationship can be saved, try couples therapy

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He needs to get his addiction under control first and that’s hard I would definitely drug test him if he said he doesn’t mind. If he’s up all night that sounds like meth and that’s out of your system in 3 days so I would surprise drug test him

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Up and leave. It’s so much better to leave an unhealthy relations for the sake of you and your kids. Than to stay in it just for your kids

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Addiction counselling for him and marriage counselling for you both. I hope you find peace babe :two_hearts:

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I’m a recovering addict from Heroin. Sounds to me like he’s doing drug’s again. He’s distancing himself from you because he knows he shouldn’t be doing it. Staying up all night, could be Meth, Heroin, Coke, ect. Even being on Heroin, I would stay up all night! But definitely sounds like some kind of drug. He doesn’t care about anything else. He should go to rehab. Honestly that got me clean! The very first time ever going. I had 4 different cases getting in trouble! So I totally understand it! He needs a support system. But he also needs to know he has a problem. Or he won’t ever get help! And you will live in hell. And it will get worse. I now have my own home, car, job, kid’s. Everything I lost and more! It is possible to get clean and live normal. But you have to want it for yourself. You can’t just change him. So, ask yourself, is this something you want to live with? Something you are willing to work on with him? And be by his side through it? It doesn’t just disappear. He will struggle every day. Even after getting clean. And it can’t be thrown in his face! Not saying you would. Just speaking from experience. Maybe sit down and talk with him. Ask if he’s using. Ask if you can help him get clean and sober. If you have any questions regarding addiction, message me. I know not everyone understands it. And they’ve never been through it.

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I have seen this happen before and the person I knew had to divorce the P.O.S. “thing” she called a husband after numerous rehabs didn’t work. Try to get him to rehab and both of you should do therapy. Hopefully, it’ll work.

If not, save your sanity and leave his ass.

It’s best to separate if you’re unhappy. Kids pick up on things and they will be thankful later on. If you’re doing it alone anyway then I would say leave

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Start putting money aside now incase it doesn’t work out. Try counseling. And maybe addiction meeting for him would be a great start

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Try to get him into a treatment program. If he is using leaving him isn’t going to shock him into quitting. Although, if he won’t get help staying won’t help you or your daughter.

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Money isn’t everything. If you have a stable job, leave. Do it for your daughter, if not for you. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system with your mom. Maybe talk to her about it and see what she says.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband is back to not helping me with anything: Advice?

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Divorce & co parent. He’s doing things for the time being just to hush you up & you not leave & as soon as you get comfortable he’s back to doing the same thing, that is stressful & so unfair, if you’re doing so much by yourself then there’s no need for him. For now play along to get along & file for divorce

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Sounds like it’s worth working on. I’ve been with my husband for almost 21 years 16 married. We’ve been thru addiction together and got clean together (not normally doable) we’ve been clean going on 18 years this year. It wasn’t easy, we didn’t always like each other, we always loved each other. We are amazing in our relationship now. Respect, love, and children with grandchildren. We are blessed. If you love each other. Work on it. That is what marriage is. People need to try harder before giving up. Good luck. I hope it all works out. :slightly_smiling_face:

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Keep working on it. I’ve had moments in my marriage where I’ve thought I need to move on but I stay and thi go get better. Be patient and loving

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Just coming from a woman’s point of view—- last night I slept on the couch. No fights, arguments or any animosity between us, but I just wanted to binge watch some Real Housewives and eat some queso and candy in peace. And more important — ALONE. By the time I was ready to crash, both my husband and our 6 month old were sound asleep in my bedroom and I didn’t want to risk waking either. Our sex life is great, but at the end of the day, I still need like an hour or two to myself to just wind down from the day. We currently have 4, 2 and 6 month old sons and I teach 41 children survival swim lessons every day, so this is how I have found a way to relax at the end of the day. He goes to bed early, and usually I do too…but every once in a while, I want to stay up and mop and catch up on all the Bravo shows I’ve missed from the week.

I can’t relate to the addiction you mentioned, however, I try to keep in mind for myself and for my husband’s sake that BOTH of us are going to have both good and bad days. We always reconnect, and before I go start cleaning or watching my shows and picking up our playroom/living room, I always set aside time just for him. What works for one marriage and family, may not work for another though. I’d be totally upfront with your concerns with him, and have a heart to heart with your husband. A LOT of times, I’ve found my husband just honestly didn’t realize something he did bothered me or hurt my feelings. I would be totally (non-aggressive) but just mention what makes your heart ache and how you think you BOTH could work together to work as a team. I’ve found that instead of being accusatory in our relationship about what he or I are doing wrong, and instead expressing our own needs to one another, we are on the same page about 95% of the time.

It’s been so beneficial and has erased any “grey area,” where confusion or miscommunication could easily come into play. Covid has changed ALL of our worlds and has added so many unanticipated stressors that all of us could have never predicted. Guys tend to internalize a lot as well, or at least my husband does, so I always encourage him to let me know if I’m ever overstepping my bounds or doing something that truly bothers him.

Ultimately, your happiness and your child is most important. But you were sure to mention what an amazing dad he is, so he could just be stressed and internalizing stuff and not wanting to add any stress to your plate. My husband works swing shift, so I totally understand the difficulties of feeling like you’re carrying the load alone most of the time. I just have to remind myself on days where I’m trying to keep tabs on “who does more,” that he likely isn’t verbalizing all of his stressors, mainly because he’s a man.

All of that to say, you just have to decide what’s best for you and your family. But first, I’d encourage you to have a serious open and honest conversation (with zero attitude or condemnation involved,) so that you guys can be on the same page. Marriage is hard work sometimes. But it’s in the hard times where you learn more about your soul mate and, in my case, where he’s finally felt safe to be vulnerable enough with me to express all that’s on his mind too. You may be surprised what a heart to heart could do for y’all :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::heart::blue_heart: prayers and love to y’all!!

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You married a man, not a child. Cut the cord and he can pay child support on his nice salary he has.

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He needs addiction treatment counselling! Untill he does that you’ll always see these odd routines and patterns……

I have a feeling he’s using again! Suggest counselling for the both of you…. If he’s scared to go alone just do couple counselling till he’s comfortable going alone and you yourself will benefit from counselling too!

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Divorce, coparent, and alimony and child support.

Just as an fyi, not to say it’s true for him, but just because they’ve been hurt by cheating before, does not mean they won’t do it.
I had a boyfriend of almost a year. He had been cheated on by his previous gf (his longest relationship until me). It really messed him up and caused him a lot of trust issues. I had one panic attack after being together for almost a year, and he cheated the next day. He said he didn’t understand why he did it, because he knows that hurt.

Hurting people hurt people. Whether that’s cheating, drug abuse, emotional abuse, taking advantage of, etc.

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Honestly I’m seeing all these “divorce” comments and sometimes that is valid. Just remember, marriage can have rocky points and that will happen in everyone’s marriage at one point or another. If it’s toxic for your children and your mental health then I say have a separation period so you both can decide what you want to do. :heart:

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Oh good grief, file for divorce asap. He’s shown repeatedly that he’s worthless and he’s just using you.

My ex husband is an addict. I took him back once after the divorce because he was working on being sober and lasted about six months. Then he relapsed again.

Stop enabling him. Cut the cord. Let him go.

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I recently had the same issue, after 7 years he started using again. He would be up all hours of the night, I would have to beg him to come to bed. I had no help with anything… i was stressed to the max. I had to leave.

I get some people say work on it, but if one is an addict and the other isn’t… I don’t see how a relationship can make it.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help and he can’t help you if he can’t or won’t help himself. I’d have his bags packed and divorce papers in hand & I’d wish him well. Cut and dry. Grow a backbone love you’re not a doormat and sometimes you just can’t fix what’s broken and remember those little eyes and ears are absorbing everything. :heart:

So when you say he doesn’t do anything does that mean that you both work and he expects you to be a house wife too? Why don’t you just do your own cleaning and have him cook and clean after himself so he can either help you maintain the house together or he has to do his own stuff which is more! Why don’t you make a list of things needed to be done during the week and he and you can pick sticks to see the chores you do during the week!

If you feel like you’re alone, then you are! Move on.

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Honestly, so many comments mention divorce and cut ties… I’d sit and talk with him, tell him where you’re at and see where he’s at… and I’d mention that you’re done, you’re done with doing everything and you married a partner not someone else to take care of… couples counselling is a good option… best of luck to you…

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You have to communicate with each other…without being crazy…

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Marriage takes work. People will tell you marriage is just a piece of paper but so is money and they get up and go work for that every day. If my husband ever became addicted to a substance, I wouldn’t cast him aside when he would need me the most. Addicts cant turn it off. The need may go away sometimes, but the want sometimes never does. He needs counseling and so do you to handle him in his mental state. If he’s not cheating or beating, work through it. That’s my motto…

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You don’t have to be with him, for him to be a good parent. Never stay with someone because you have children. My husband isn’t the biological father of my kids, he’s raised them for 8 years thou(they’re 9 and 12) and we’re currently seperated, he’s still involved with my children thou. Very much. Children deserve happy parents.

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From the sounds of him up all hours of the night that sounds like he’s back on addiction … I’ve had some experience with ppl using drugs or drinking and they were up all hours of the night doing w.e

I think I would rather live with my child u did say he couldn’t even handle looking after her and most addicts don’t just stop put ya big girl pants on and leave

You have said a mouth full, all negative things, you know what’s wrong an Now you should know what needs to be done. Stop listen to yourself and make the decision. Get rid of him. Women to are very capable of raising kids , working and attending to our homes without a loser involved. If you love ur kids do it for them. No said it’s easy, but it’s be proven that a loser will dig your own grave. Get him out.!!!

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I say pray put it in Gods hands and talk to him about how you feel and what you want talk to your husband and be honest and encourage him to be honest to about what you want how you feel see where it goes from there

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Your life sounds miserable. Ugh! Only you can know when it’s time to move on, but it does sound inevitable. Don’t sacrifice your happiness because he’s a good dad. Find your own happiness. Good luck!

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Get out now. It’s not going to get better and no one deserves to be miserable with a good for nothing husband like him. If he’s such a good dad, he can continue to be one by coparenting but that doesn’t mean you need to stay in a miserable awful marriage feeling alone for the sake of a child. Kids are resilient. She will be much better off growing up and seeing you either alone and happy or in a healthy relationship and happy. It’s not going to get any better or easier. Leave now.

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Pray. Pray often and ask for guidance. If he is not willing to put your needs first over his addiction and bad behavior then move on now

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So he doesn’t clean…and he occasionally falls asleep on a sofa…not the biggest crimes…
If there are positives…look for them…focus on what you have got.

You work for an attorney. I would ask for their recommendations.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband is back to not helping me with anything: Advice?

I’m sure you’ll get expert advice from wastebook

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Let the mess go. Keep the husband. If it’s just mess why hurt your children when you can wear blinders. Your mom shouldn’t have commented about the hour because it gets under your skin. People line you and your children live you not because your house is clean and tidy. It’s because the things that matter the most, loyalty love and compassion are there.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband is back to not helping me with anything: Advice?

Leave, he needs to get better and clean if things are going to work. He needs to work on himself first before he can work on his marriage. Once he is better than maybe you guys can work on the marriage.

How is he a good father if he can’t even take care of her ?

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She doesn’t need to learn thats the way a man acts. Otherwise years to come she will think its ok for a man to live like a slob and its her job to clean up. Sorry id tell him ur done you can do it by your self anyways might have to live on a budget but would be worth it for u and your daughter.

Sit and talk it out. Is he using again? Is he cheating? What are both your expectations of each other ? Are you both open to counselling ?

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Sounds like he is using again

I agree with some of these comments especially bc I’ve seen and lived with and addict. I believe he’s using again and if that’s the case I feel for you. I fought for my husband for 7 years with addiction. He’s clean finally going on 2 years but not a day goes by that I don’t feel that awful stress of what I had to go thru and if it ever happens again I’m done! You need to sit him down and see if that’s what’s happening and if so end it now. All addiction does is run you thru hell and I can promise you if he’s not ready you or your child can’t make that happen. He has to make that decision for himself.

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Agree with the other comments, talk to him. Communicate where you stand and what you expect & if he can’t do that to save y’alls marriage then he truly doesn’t care. He is your partner and you shouldn’t feel alone in a relationship. If things don’t change & he doesn’t care about anything you say then walk the hell away! Praying for you :slightly_smiling_face:

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I’d try counseling. If that doesn’t work then it’s time for you to set your boundaries and decide if you can live with things the way they are. People don’t change often and it’s important to decide for ourselves what we can and cannot live with. Also therapy for you and your daughter would be good. I wouldn’t worry too much about the money side of things right this second aside from putting away an emergency fund. I would also start documenting his drug abuse.

If he’s not helping you in any way and he’s staying up all hours on the couch, it sounds like he’s using again. I would see if he’d go into a treatment program or atleast do some counseling and sober up. If he won’t take any steps to sober up or get better I’d make him leave the house. You don’t need your child around drugs or anyone abusing them. I’d find a way to document his drug use like with photos or video or texts so that you can protect yourself and your daughter if it comes to needing a divorce and a custody/visitation agreement.