My husband missed an appointment that was important to me: Thoughts?

This past June, I had a miscarriage than in August I had another one. I was then tested for different conditions. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder by my OB. Today I had an appointment with my oncologist to follow on this new diagnosis. I feel hurt that I went alone to this appt. This appt was very important to me because I wanted to gather information on the risk of conceiving with this condition. My husband failed to go to the appointment or even asked what the doctor said. I am not sure how to move to pass this. I feel like I am alone with this condition, and I am feeling super confused on how to approach this with my husband. I have not been the same since being told about the autoimmune disorder. I am scared and angry that my life isn’t the same anymore. With that given said, how should I address this with my husband because right now I am really hurt by him. I am scared I will get resentful towards him. Thanks

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Why wasn’t he able to go to the appointment with you?

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Did you remind him? Sometimes men needs a reminder for things like this. Yes it sucks. If it was just me I would just sit down with him and explain how you are feeling. Also he maybe upset about it all and doesn’t know how to help. Or express his feelings. So just sit down and talk to him.

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His world is being rocked just as hard as yours hun… Talk to your husband and communicate your needs if they aren’t being met but he’s grieving also, he’s probably scared and what if he’s just doing the best he can right now🤷‍♀️ You can’t expect him to read your mind and you can’t hold grudges over things you’ve never even told him. And try to go into this realizing that this isn’t only happening to you, it’s his life too.

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Always be open and honest! Having a conversation about your health and your fertility is something I’d hope he be willing to have to with you. And letting know how you feel is most important

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Im sorry you’re going through this.

But what was his reason for not going? I’m sure this is affecting him just as much as it is affecting you.

You need to sit down and talk to him about it.

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I think hes still grieving and isnt ready to speak to you or the doctors about wanting to try again. Hes just not ready to move forward. Dont be hard on him. It’s his child too that was lost. Be gentle and kind and there for him. Just because your ready to try again doesnt mean he is.

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Why did he not go? Seems like maybe you guys have a lack in communication? Like did he just watch you walk out the door and just stayed home, knowing how important it was to you for him to go? I would have no problem letting my husband know how I felt about. Before I even went by myself if he told me he wasn’t going to go and had no reason like work or something we would have probably had a fight lol. I feel like you need to talk to him about it. It shouldn’t be that hard to confront your partner about something they did that upset you or about how your feeling in general.

I completely understand where you are coming from and I would probably feel much like you if I were in that situation, but I am curious, how has your husband taken the miscarriages? The reason I ask is because maybe emotionally, he is scared. Or was afraid of the news you might have received from the doctor. He may not know how to deal or cope with everything either. Have you asked him about these things? I just don’t want to assume he doesn’t care, because odds are he cares a lot more than you know. Men deal with things differently. I would suggest going to a public or mutual location and discuss everything. You are more liable to not holler or yell or be harsh if there are others around. I wish you the best of luck and I am so sorry for your losses. :frowning:

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I’m sorry about your losses. Did you actually ask him to come with you? I know it may sound silly, but I used to get mad at my husband for not doing things, except that he’s not a mind reader and has his own things on his mind. So if you didn’t specifically say that you needed him there, he may not have known how you felt about him coming with you. Either way communication is key, so you need to express how you feel before you become resentful.

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I am severely disabled so this comes from experience.
You both are grieving. This is a traumatic event so you both need to grieve your old lives and figure out how to live with your new ones. I highly suggest at least marriage counseling, separate therapy for you both would be good too.

I feel for you. I have some sort of autoimmune disorder and i have yet to go find out what it is. Im beyond terrified. Its been 6 yrs im so scared to know. i don’t even have a doctor anymore.

Did you remind him? I know I have to remind my husband about appointments and things. He just doesn’t retain that information like I do. Maybe try talking to him about why he didn’t show up. Tell him it hurt you to go alone.

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Marriage counseling?

So my husband was like this as well. It hurt. It made me feel alone and like I was going to be doing everything without him while he worked… every guy is different. My husband is more of a worker than a thinker or a guy who would think about how I needed him at the appointments… he said money was more important to raise the baby and he would go to the important appointments. Unfortunately it’s not just the baby stuff he misses at times or fails to see my point of view… but that’s mine… that was his point of view

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Did you ask, are you going with me? I find you have to absolutely tell husbands what you want or expect from them. I to have an autoimmune disease, most don’t understand these things unless we spell it out for them. Before you harbor bad feelings you need to talk him.

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This is definitely your struggle, but he is apart of it too. My husband copes with issues different than I do. After we had our first daughter, he was adamant that we sit down and get on the same page. Really communicating with your partner and your feelings. If he was wanting children himself, he may be handling the losses in his own way.

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Did you tell him you wanted him there or just assume he knew? What is his reason for missing? Maybe he is afraid of what they had to say, so that is why he didn’t go and hasn’t asked about it.

Eta:

Communication.
That is the only thing you can do. Tell him how you are feeling. Don’t hold anything back for his sake. You both are allowed to have different emotions and fears, but need to be on the same page as far as validating those differences.

Did he even know it was that important to you? Did you express your feelings to him before hand? Why didn’t he go? Was there reason?

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Why are we making excuses for her husband. Yes he could and probably is grieving the miscarriages but this is her health. An autoimmune disease is on top of her miscarriages. Also the appointment was with a oncologist! She has to handle this and it shouldn’t be by herself. Yes by all means tell him how you feel.

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Tell him how you feel and address it directly. Exactly like you wrote it, or you will resent him, I’ve been there and done that. Address why he wasn’t there and how you feel, he probably doesn’t know how important it was and assumes you’ll tell him anything he needs to know. I’m not sure why he wouldn’t ask or seem concerned, that would upset me as well.

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Be straight forward as if it was important to you he should have been there for support

You didn’t once say that you told your husband that you wanted him to go, all you said that it was very important to you. If you want him to know how you feel or what is going on you have to communicate with him.

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I have went through 2 horrible miscarriages with my husband we lost one baby and then 7 months later lost 1 twin and then 3 months later lost the second. I didnt think of how he was doing and dealing with all of this. I went to appointments alone because he would “forget” . Here the whole time he was dealing with things differently than I did. Talk to him just sit down and talk. It helps.

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I’m sorry for your losses I know that can be devastating! I definitely believe that being open with your husband is best for your relationship. As for expecting him to know exactly what you want, men do not read minds, body language or even hints. It has to be black and white… you want him to do something or go somewhere with you, tell him! “This is what I want…” I’m sure he is grieving the losses as well and may not 100% understand your diagnosis and the full effects it’s having on you, so tell him make sure he understands where you are at.

Men handle things differently than women. You both are trying to deal with a loss and with a life changing diagnosis. Express your feelings and open the door for him to express himself. Men like to fix things and unfortunately he can’t fix this.

I am fighting cancer and know my life isn’t the same. I get wanting support but you should probably also think about what is going on in his head. Was he at work? Would he have lost out on pay. Is he worried about what it will do to your marriage? There’s a lot that I dislike about these posts because people always make it seem one sided and make the other party look so bad. As for addressing it. You already answered that question. You tell him it hurt you that he wasn’t there and talk it out. Welcome to marriage without talking to the other one it’s just going to end in divorce. Also you make the choice to get resentful or not. Your emotions are in your control.

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Maybe he doesn’t know how hurt you are or doesn’t understand how serious the condition is.

Just tell him , why is this a question “communication”

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Maybe he’s just as worried. Men handle things differently than we do. Talk to him.

Ask him how he’s feeling. Men process things differently.

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Coming from someone who has an autoimmune disease sometimes men dont want to come to terms with it. Like in my case I was told I would die within 2 weeks. My husband accused me of lying about it. He was so angry about the entire situation. But now ten years later we are a team. He finally decided he wanted to be a part of my journey. Sometimes we didnt think we would make it threw we thought it was going to break us up at times. You just need to talk to him tell him how you feel, but be willing to realise he may be just as scared as you and going with you may have made it all to real for him and by avoiding going he can act as if it’s not real, hopefully he comes around and I wish you all the best hang in there!!!

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I feel like sometimes men dont fully understand how things make us feel and not because they are horrible being but it’s because they truly just dont get it. Maybe set him down and talk to him calmly and state everything you said here in the post and be sure to have clear communication. I’m sure he probably just didn’t FULLY understand how much this ment for you to have him there. Also take into consideration maybe he too is having a rough time with the losses this is alot for him to process. Ask him how hes doing with it all and how.he feels. Maybe hes scared.

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did you ever think he also is having a hard time with this? Instead of posting here, put down the computer, put away the cell phone & really sit down & talk to your husband

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I’ve learnt with my man that if I need him there, I have to tell him that. Otherwise, to him, it’s like any other appt and he’s not required. I’ll tell him about it later if it’s important.
If I don’t ask, I can’t have.
So I just straight up tell my man I NEED him there.
Like me…I have a day surgery coming up. Last one I had, my man wasn’t there(outta town working). So he didn’t assume I needed him this time. But I told him I needed him this time and next thing, he had that day booked off and asked if he needed other days off. When did I need him til? No questions asked. I said I needed him, and he’s making it happen.
But I had to SAY I needed him there. Same as he tells me when he needs me to tag along to things.
So if you didn’t tell him you needed/wanted him there…to him, it’s just another appt and you’ll tell him if he needs to know anything.
So tell him what you’ve told us. Then learn to straight up tell him when you need him. They can’t read minds.🤷

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It sounds like an issue with communication. What was his reason for not being there ? Did he know it was an important appointment ? I think the fact that you ask if you should tell him you’re upset about it says a lot about your lack of communication. Of course you should tell him how you’re feeling. Men are very different in how they process things and they arent mind readers

Is it because hes plain forgetful or because he doesnt care. Theres a big difference and way to approach each.
My husband is pretty forgetful and has alot on his plate so i have to constantly remind him of things. Even things that are important to me. Ive had to realize hes not doing it from lack of caring or wanting to hurt me.
If hes not forgetful and just doesnt seem to care thats an entirely different thing. At that point id be upset and hurt as well. I would tell him how he made me feel and also how im feeling in general in that case. You cant EXPECT others to just now how you feel or to underatand. But if you explain it all to them and they at the very least try then thats all that can be expected.

I had something similar happen in the past. I think communication is important. Men are not mind readers, and I think sometimes we expect them to think the same way we would. I’m sure he would make it a priority if he knew it mattered to you.

He had the miscarriage to tho communicate

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Talk to him. He might be grieving the losses too and not ready to make the next step. Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace

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Just talk to him u cant solve anything if u cant talk it out

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Good luck praying for u

You may wanna check out the AIP diet. I have an autoimmune illness and it has helped me tremendously. Good luck.

I mean you are alone in having it… he doesn’t… so he can’t really grasp the severity of it unless you articulate it. Not sit around waiting for questions about it. It’s not a known disease or deadly so he probably feels there’s nothing he can do but behave as normal

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Was he working? If so then i understand your hurt, but money still has to be made. Also, men handle things different, some men just dont want to go to those type of things, but as for asking how it went idk he may have forgot. I dont know all the answers but talk to him. Tell him how it went and that you would have likes for him to have been there as it would have made you feel more comfortable and see what he says. There is just so much more to this for me to properly answer your question. Just try to talk to him in a calmly manner and be supportive of his answer to why he wasnt there too. He may be just as scared and worried as you are even tho its not happening to his body it does effect him too. Prayers for you❤

Many people don’t believe in diseases they can’t “see” or understand which covers many autoimmune diseases. I have Graves disease and my husband accused me of using it as a crutch or excuse. It really hurt especially when he called me crazy but refused to acknowledge Graves has been mistaken for mental illness. I struggled most when the dosage of my meds was too high so I swung from hyperthyroidism to severe hypothyroidism. I literally felt like I was losing my mind. The only thing that got him to soften was information. I read him articles about the disease, tagged him in support group posts and read him a “letter” written from the viewpoint of the disease describing what it does to people and how it will turn your family against you because they won’t understand. Only then did he begin to believe me. The kicker was when he asked his trainer about it and he told him everything I had and emphasized how important your thyroid is to every function in your body. It hurt that he took more stock in what someone else said but at least it got him to turn a corner. Talk to your husband about how he made you feel and about your fears. Bombard him with information - read it to him to ensure he doesn’t just say he read it when he didn’t. Tell him he has to go to your next appointment - maybe he’ll take it seriously hearing it from a professional. Best wishes.:heart:

I don’t know about you & your husband, but if I don’t remind my husband about things on a regular basis, he forgets! Sometimes I have to raise my voice so that I know I have his attention. I have Crohn’s Disease, a heart condition and several other problems. It’s not like he doesn’t care, he’s just got other stuff on his mind. You need to sit down & talk to him. You also may want to consider counseling.

You also need to understand that you BOTH lost 2 babies. He’s probably hurt and just doesn’t want to go through all of that hurt again so soon. People grieve in different ways and he probably feels like you’re pushing another baby too soon. Just know that he’s also hurt.

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He may also be confused and upset. Did you tell him you wanted him there with you? For your next appointment tell him you need him there for support

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It’s a doctor’s appointment, you’ll be fine

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Did he have to work and couldn’t get the day off? Did you tell him you were going to the appointment that day or ahead of time? If so maybe he forgot about the appointment. Men have other things on their minds like paying bills and providing for their family. They are wires differently so before you get hurt and resentful, get all the facts then make your decision. He could be keeping his hurt inside and doesn’t know how to talk about it with you, maybe doesn’t want to upset you any further. All I know is you don’t go to social media to get answers, you go to your husband.

Copy this into a text. Hit send. You’re welcome.

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and was freaked out a first. It’s not as bad though. Just a lot of discipline. You’re not alone and there’s plenty of support groups and a lot of them go through the same struggle with their partner not understanding or caring.

Did you ask him to go or were you just assuming he would know you wanted him there? Because if you were just assuming he would know to come and he didn’t, that’s not his fault. I have had an autoimmune disease since I was 16 so my husband walked into our relationship knowing what he was getting in to. He never goes to appointments with me unless I ask. He is always concerned and wants me to call him as soon as I’m done so he can hear what the doctor says. But unless I specifically say “I want you with me at this appointment” he isn’t there.

Now, if you told him you wanted him there and he blew it off, then you need to talk to him and explain how scared you are. Then he really does need to go to a doctor appointment with you so he can hear how serious it is from a specialist.

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Why did he miss the appointment.

Talk to him. Be honest, make sure you use "I " statements. For example, I was really nervous and scared today. I really wanted you there. Its helpful to have two people there, to ask questions or listen to what is being said.

Than give him an opportunity to tell you, how he feels about your diagnosis. How he is coping with it.

I have an autoimmune disease too. I go to all my appointments by myself. I even went to the see the cancer doctors by myself.

Don’t say a word! When you start showing more symptoms of your illnesses, he will notice. Don’t allow Sex till he shows some compassion! Don’t get pg again with this man!!! And join a group that deals with your diseases because I doubt your man will be there for you! Sounds like he needs to sleep in the doghouse!

Communication is key. Tell him all of this. Ask him how he’s coping. Validate his feelings as well as your own. If you are open and honest with him and he is with you then you won’t have any resentment over it. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he’s not ok. Find out. If he forgot explain how important it was in a calm manner and how you feel all alone.

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Did you communicate with him what you were expecting?

Sometimes when it hurts to much, some people want to block it out. My guess is that he loves you and your lost children, and blocking it is his coping mechanism. I am not saying this is right, but might be the best he can do at this time. Time and communication will help both of you.

It’s a very touchy situation so I suggest talking to him when things are both quiet and calm and let him know how u feel. I suffer from a heart disease that makes my heart beat fast or slow down without warning and I always downplayed it but recently it slowed to 56 and I’m pregnant and that was a very vulnerable moment for me. My husband had no idea how I felt till I broke down and told him how scared I was. Sometimes we be strong for them but it backfires on us if we’re not careful. Just tell your husband

You are going thru it and need support. Sit down. Hold his hands. Ask if this is a good time to talj. Sometimes those around us think we are strong. But reach out, hon. And i wish the best to you

Maybe he is not sure what to say or cannot miss work to go the appointment? It could be a number of things. :pray:t2::pray:t2:

Men react so different. He prob is very hurt also and just communicate with him instead of blowing up etc

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Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a chance to heal from both the physical and emotional pain you have right now. There have to be a way you can talk to him about the appointment and he might have a valid answer for you, however, you have to give a chance to respond with care, don’t rush him. I am praying that god will help you through this :pray::pray::pray::pray:

Imagine having 3 losses and finally a rainbow and your husband leaves after a fight going alone. Sometimes its not worse it could be though

Hmm personally I would maybe plan a day for just the two of you. Talk about it over dinner, gently. He could be hurt, too. Men feel loss of miscarriages as well. He may not know how to articulate his feelings and thoughts into words. Be there for each other. Let him know that you love him and you’re there for support, and that you need the same, that it’s just been a difficult time. Talk about everything openly. I hope it resolves soon. xx

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Maybe Take him to dinner somewhere you can relax and talking to him about your feelings don’t attack him talk in a rational way not accused him of not caring about your situation his way if Grieving is difficult take his feeling into consideration maybe by talking this thru in a relaxing dinner you can talk about your feelings and work thru this together God bless you and your family :pray::pray::pray: :pray::pray: Prayers for your relationship

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He will not know how you feel unless you talk to him! Men think completely differnt then women

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Absolutely no excuse, it’s child too, why we always got to give a man an excuse for his dumbness, smdh

Why didnt he go? You forgot to include those key details. Is it because he didnt want to, couldn’t get the time off work or what? Please give full details when asking for advice.

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Men respond differently to things. Deep down he’s probably really hurting from the miscarriages, and finding out there’s an issue causing them, it affects them too. Just keep an open line of communication and reach out to a female friend for morale support until he’s able to handle everything.

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He may be having a hard time accepting that you have this condition

Don’t mean to burst your bubble - if I can not count on my very own husband to supp
ort me by attending the doctor’s appt with me and listen to what the doctor says, then he’s an honest-to-goodness asshole! How can I even count on him for small things when the biggest issue (so far) hit me (us) hard and he was not there!? You have a problem!