My husband refuses to stand up to his family: Advice?

Our biggest obstacle in our marriage has been that he can’t put me above his family. I don’t get along with his Mom, never have; we have tolerated each other over the years. We had a huge argument on a family vacation; we were on vacation together for a family member’s wedding. In the end, I had to miss the rehearsal dinner and went to the wedding, and his Mom and brother treated my Mon and me as outsiders. It was so hurtful. Two months later, they are still not speaking to me. His brother is now getting married, and I’m not invited to the wedding, but they have asked my husband to facilitate the reception, this is something we should have been asked to do together, I feel like my husband should say he can’t with all the drama that is going on with them and me, I feel like he finally just needs to put me first. He won’t, and in the end, said he couldn’t fight for me or with me anymore. The problem is he has never done either; he won’t fight; he just shuts down and wants to always sweep things under the rug. I told him he has to finally stand up to them, or I can’t stay in this marriage. He is fine with that. I am now looking for an apt. We have a daughter starting college, and I will be moving out after we have her settled. He is just going to throw 29 years away like that. He says he never said he doesn’t love me, but my question is if he is willing to let me go this easy, isn’t that what he is saying? And I admit I’m not perfect, and yes can be hard to love at times. This is devastating to me that our marriage can just end like this.

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People tell you who they are by how they treat you, and sadly he has chosen to be like this forever, one thing that I want to makenit clear is that his choice has nothing to do with your worth, because that’s what it is, his choice, it is a shame he cannot stand up to his family, and you are not in the wrong… you deserve someone that can see that and if he doesn’t care enough for him to do it and stop you from leaving, then that’s the answer. I’m sorry it has come to this but you really deserve to be respected and the support of your husband.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband refuses to stand up to his family: Advice?

I would pick my family also

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No. That’s not necessarily what he’s saying. Someone can love you with every ounce of love that they have & it could still not be the type of love that you want or are okay with. Either way, if you’ve been married that long, it’s tacky AF for them not to invite y’all as a couple to the next wedding. I’d leave too.

I feel like there is definitely more to the story that would help give an opinion… BUT you can’t ask that man to just choose you over them, stick up for you yes… but y’all been together 29 years this has clearly been going on for sometime and you have stuck it out this long… but all the sudden you can’t anymore? Idk I need more details.

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If I remember when you marry you forsake all others.

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Family will always be family.

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When he married you, you became the family he made and chose to make a life with! You are first! Leave him!

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Get out. The family you build is more important than the one you came from. It should never come to that, but your marriage comes first, always.

Sounds like you are also willing to just walk away from 29 years. It’s a impossible place to be in.

Family may be family, but they aren’t always right, he choose you, he married you, he is suppose to stand up for you, and be there against every

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Don’t throw so many years of marriage away. Your mother in law is not a rock. Meaning she will not last forever. God bless her I’m not wishing bad on her i’m just letting you know my advice. Good luck.

The bottom line is that a marriage is between both of you, not your families…you have to put each other and your kids first or it will never work…

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I wouldnt tolerate it either. We always put each other and our children first above everyone else. Blood isnt everything and most of the time is far more toxic than what they are worth.

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That marriage and him are toxic =trash

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I see many comments saying he married you so he should choose you over family. I’m sorry but o disagree. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Now I don’t know the full story but you said “I know I can be hard to love sometimes” which makes me think you haven’t made it easy for a good relationship between his mother and yourself. And I know it takes two but as much as much as you want him to think about you and your feelings, you aren’t thinking about him and his feelings and put him in between two people he loves. I would say try therapy and get to the root of why you don’t like each other and possible figure out a way to get along. I mean you have choices, as does he and his mother. Seems like you’re all just choosing to separate.

I would stand up for myself and put that family in their place. I’m not about to let anyone disrespect me. Yes your husband should stand up to his family but honestly some men just don’t know how to. You just need to snap one good time. I promise you they won’t be disrespecting you anymore. Be that alpha female.

Once you get married, your husband/wife & children become your family the rest become your relatives.
The husband should pick his wife.

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I agree with your feelings girl! The family you come from is important but the family you make is your PRIORITY and no matter what that’s who you should ALWAYS CHOOSE in the end! He married you and that should’ve been the day he choose you over them forever!
I hope things work out for you! Prayers your way! :two_hearts:

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If he can’t defend you he’s not for you.

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Sounds like it ended a long time ago, you just weren’t informed

Best of luck, yes get your place and move on.

When a man takes a wife she becomes his number one and who he builds his life around. He shouldnt have to pick sides but if you and his family cannot become one he should move away from them If he cant do that find someone who will . Theres no reason everyone should be miserable. They have no right to ask him to exclude you they are putting a wedge between you two… He has to have the courage to stand up for you if he wants you in his life or stand aside. I didnt always agree with my sons choices but tried to have a relationship that would not cause them stress or to have to choose.

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I’d personally say try to work things out with your in-laws. Every relationship is a 50/50. Is it worth leaving the marriage because of his family? Let him do things with his family and you find something else to do that day. I’m sure once the in-laws realize it don’t bother you they will stop. I’d suggest a family fit down and hash it out. 29 years is a long time to walk away. Make sure that’s what you want. Hugs and I hope it works out for the best.

Start defending and standing up for yourself, if he has an issue with it, show him the door.

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Yours lasted more than mine, I could only be the doormat to his mom and family for 9 years…I left that toxic situation. Decided my next man had to be an orphan, but I settled for family living 10 hours away, although I get along with his family just fine. Be free, have fun, enjoy life, and flip them the bird on the way out.

This is what ended my marriage after 26 years.

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Hes so wrong… always choose the family YOU create. The family that created you can either get on board or go✌ thank god both mine and my fiance’s families are great.

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Run away he’s clearly a momma’s boy🤢

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Putting an ultimatum for him against his blood relatives, unless they are all toxic people, never wins. Most ultimatums lose. By not wanting him involved in his brother’s wedding IMO is a bit steep. There has to be another way to resolve this than family drama ruining a near 30 year marriage. Has there always been conflicts between you and your in laws?

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If he can’t defend you he is not for you. Once you get married its about the family you have created not the family you come from. Respect goes both ways!

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I am going through this now

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He will realize what he lost eventually. Hopefully it’s not too late for him when he does. Move on and make yourself happy. There is someone out there that will put you first. You are worthy of love. Don’t let him or his family dull your sparkle.

There’s only part of this story being told…

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With them asking him to facilitate the brothers wedding, they are out of pocket. And they sound like mommas boys who let their mother run the show. At some point you have to stand up and be a man. If you want to leave then leave … His loss. I would not be putting up with that mess. I would also suggest a break because divorce can be devastating financially . like a legal separation.

Leave him! If he can’t put you first, he’s not for you and never has been. Go ahead and put those Divorce papers in.

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Any man that does not prioritize his wife first is not worth it

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The thing is you are willing to leave him over his family too? He’s stuck in the middle and you’ve gave him an ultimatum which isn’t fair either, could you not talk to them and try and forgive and forget or are they really that toxic you’d end your marriage for. I’ve never been in this position but I’m quite laid back and don’t like conflict or drama at all

Go your own way girl

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You ask why is it easy for you to walk away??? Also just because you don’t get along with his fam doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them. Step back if you don’t want around them but why force him to lose them also

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He sounds like a textbook abuse victim. Try couples counseling it will change your life

Why does he have to choose and shouldnt that poor man is stuck in the middle getting it off both sides… and to those who said he has should stick up for his wife… just remember his mother gave birth to him … maybe he should see his family without you and you should see your family … try talking to him about how this is making him feel about choosing between his mother and you… its wrong!!!

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pretty much in the same boat it is so hard on a relationship when the family is mean to you and no one defends you makes it very hard still dealing with this myself you can’t make them stand up for you sorry you are going through this I wish I had an answer for us both :slightly_frowning_face:

Everyone just saying “leave him” doesn’t seem to be considering that they have been together almost 30years and she obviously doesn’t Want to leave, she just wants advice on how to resolve this problem… not everyone can nor wants to just Up and Leave their HUSBANDS… yall should like bad wives, ain’t no Ride or Dies up in this bish🙄

I had a similar issue with my ex husband we were together for 6 years and he never once stood up for me since we lived with his family and his mom would always get in our relationship. :woman_facepalming:t2: I would find myself fighting with him all the time until one day I got tired and just ended everything I simply decided to put myself first and mind you he was 5 years older than me but acted so immaturely :woman_facepalming:t2:

The point is you are worth alot and even tho it is a long time marriage if he is not willing to put you first before anyone else then he doesn’t deserve to be with you. When you get married you swear to love and protect each other and to be together through thick and thin and if he is ok with you leaving then he definitely doesn’t care anymore so just stay strong momma you got this.! Life is so beautiful once you start seeing how much you are worth and once you find self love I promise. It will hurt and alot but with time you will realize it’s for the best this way for your well being and mental health. Surround yourself with loved ones and stay strong because you got this queen :crown:.! :heart::purple_heart:

I’m going to be the bad one here and point out some things….You have endured this for 29 years and now it’s YOU who are calling it quits because YOU don’t want to put up with it. That’s not him throwing away the marriage over his family it’s YOU. You need to check the perspective on this. Let him do the reception on his own exclude yourself from the event without stressing him about it, after all he’s not in charge of invitations. If he asks for help, decline. Let him see where the teamwork comes from. Wether it’s you or his family. But an ultimatum after 29 years of you allowing it will not go in your favor. Seems like the guy is just worn out and doesn’t want drama anymore.

Noone is hard to love when being loved by the right person.

You’re not throwing away 29 years, you’re gaining back the rest of your life. As hard as it feel like right now, it gets MUCH better. Sometimes you do only win by losing.

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Ummm 29 years and your still put behind the entire family, to the point he can’t at least stand up for you and try to rectify things?

I don’t know what took so long to leave TBH!

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My question is was it like this before y’all got married? Because if it was he was never going to let his family go. After y’all got married. If he didn’t stand up for you back when you were dating what makes you think he was going to while you were married? Yes he should tell them if my wife can’t be there then neither will I but once a mama’s boy always a mama’s boy.

If he can’t or won’t stand up for you you are better off without him.

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Yes, he isnwillimg to let you go since he never stood up from the beginning. Leave, get the divorce, start a new and better life without him and his mommy issues. You know the answer to your own question, take a deep breathe and leave. You will never be a priority to him, I promise.

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very hard when inlaws dont get along

Write huis min a thank you note

I don’t mean to be rude when I say this but when you have more than one family member against you and your husband refuses you to stick up for you, have you stopped to consider maybe you are the problem? Maybe you need to make things right with the family and maybe that can also not just save your marriage but also make it better. Sometimes you just gotta be the bigger person :woman_shrugging:

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if he doesn’t put his foot down it will never change…and it’s not fun

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You waited 29 years to insist !?!? Wow !

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Seems like he has love for you . But , isn’t in love with you…or else he would stand up for you in a heartbeat!!

You know I hate to see people that have been In long marriages end. What I will say is 29 years is a long time to just walk away from. Now as far as mother/brother in law whatever issue they have thats their issue not yours, and quiet as kept you dont have to be nowhere that will make you uncomfortable. Yes, your husband should have been speaking up for you, but you can speak up for yourself as well. Life is too short, and you all got your daughter to college. Girl in your later years do what is going to make you happy period. You don’t wanna stay nowhere to be miserable. Pray about it, and do what’s best for you.

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Sounds like he’s been looking for a way out anyway… If he won’t stand up for you then he doesn’t care about you. :wave:t3:

Just let go find real man not mom boy there never be grown and moma will always cause u ur relationship I’ve lived it

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The family you come from is important but the family you build should be priority.

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Is not that he doesn’t love you, is just that he loves his family more. Get out of there. You deserve better.

Why would you want to be around and pretend? You basically said you don’t like them either… Them his ppl let them handle that & go have a spa day or something…
It’s not that serious I dislike at spouse whole family & I’m ok with not attending something because I don’t wanna pretend
How can you feel entitled to someone else’s wishes of their wedding because you are married in? That’s insane

Honey it’s time for you to go on with your life. I have put up with the same stuff you are going thru. I have been going thru it for 32 years and still. We never have gone on a vacation and when we did it was where ever his parents was living. And when they lived in the same state we lived in if I said something to him about going and doing something it was want to see if mom and dad wants to go. So honey you better run and don’t look back.

He would go to the wedding and return to an empty house

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he should have stood at your side and didn’t.
so sorry

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Ask your husband if he realizes that when you got married 2 became 1. That means he puts you first. If you aren’t welcome then he shouldn’t go

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Divorce his ass! I had enough after 8 years of not sticking up for me!

Has anyone took into consideration that there are two sides to every story and at this point we’re only hearing one. We only got a brief description of the wedding altercation…we don’t know what really took place.

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Exactly how I was, and I divorced 30 yrs ago to keep my dignity and sanity. Never regretted it.

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Consider Divorce.
What are you fighting for? Sounds like your fighting for a husband that doesn’t exist you like the idea of him changing but surely you must know deep down that 29years is too long to hope for the best.

Read back your question to yourself, pretend it’s a friend needing advise! What advice would you give, that’s where you’ll get your answer :+1: good luck

You should go and be happy he will never put you first

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Hard to answer without more context. Such as what was the argument about and why has his mother and you been at odds since beginning. I went through this myself for a while in the beginning of my marriage. They blamed me that he didn’t finish school despite the fact that I wanted him to and encouraged him to but he did not want to. Finally came to a blow up when his father yelled at my son and called me lazy in from of my children and husband. I blew up and so did my husband…at his father… Because he finally seen how bad I was being treated.
It got better after that but for other reasons now (not related to me) he no longer speaks to his family. Some blood family is just that…blood and nothing more. Clearly it sounds like he is choosing them over you. Again, not knowing the context it is hard to offer advice but if it is truly they hate you or treat you awful for no reason and he is choosing them then walk away. If you play a part in the blame then you need to work on that and decide if your marriage is worth it to you.

And this is your husband?

I married a mommas boy once. Ended in divorce. We had other issues too but his mom definitely didnt make things easier.

You need a man not a mummy’s boy

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There are always 2 sides to every story… what was the fight about, who facilitated it? I think there is more to this.

If you want to stay with him… let him do his own thing with his family members. You don’t have to participate. If your happy with him other then his family I wouldn’t let that come between you and him.

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Need to leave him bcz husband should defend you and everything if he won’t do it then he not the man for you

That’s how my man was with his it took him going to prison the realize his family ain’t shit and that includes his own mom

He’s your husband? 29 years together! Wth is wrong with his fam. That’s just ridiculous. I don’t even know what to say but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to be happy. That’s very rough to go thru. I wish you the best.

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Time to give the husband up. If he can’t stand up for you and do what’s right. Well… time to move on without him.

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What was the original argument about? That’s the missing piece here. I wouldn’t have made him choose. 9x out of 10 the person that makes you chose loses that battle.

No need to wait for your daughter to be settled…he’s already made HIS choice… its time to move on

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He will never grow up, believe me you will be better off. I used to be in a similar situation as you and I finally left. My life is so much better now! Move on sweetheart and live your life.

I need more info! Lots more info. There’s definitely more to this than this paragraph.

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If you didn’t get along with his mom in the beginning then you should of never married him. You don’t just marry your partner, you marry the whole family. You are the one throwing away 29 years. You vowed to stay in good times and bad.

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If a man after 29 years will not stand up for you, if he’s ok with you leaving, he doesn’t love you or care about you. Leave and move on.

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Just remember he will regret the decision if he loves you, because you’ll be gone. And you never know what you have until it’s gone, right? So in the end if he loves you he will come crawling back, if he doesn’t then you will know that you can move on without him holding you back. You definitely don’t need him. We want someone. We don’t need someone.

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Girl do you don’t wait life is to short

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A mans mom hardly likes their sons wife. My grandmother doesn’t like any of her sons wives. And I’ve seen it happen in other families. You guys are adults I would never make my husband (if I was married) choose between me and his family, as a wife I could assume I’d lose that battle. Because in the end family has and will always be around. My child’s father wanted to be more important than my own family and that didn’t end well. If you don’t feel like you’re being treated properly and threatening to leave then I would just leave, but then you’re giving the family what they want in the end.

You come first above his family period… you are his wife… my husband used to be like that until recently his mom disrespected me so bad that I threatened to leave… if he can’t fight for you then you deserve better

You may be giving his family what they have always wanted. I might just stay, and I would plan a nice vacation with the girls during the wedding. I would not care if they liked me.

This sounds very familiar

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How did u put up with it that long lol

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Ponte en su lugar tu también lo harías es su familia

Wow! 29 years and still not practicing Genesis 2:23-24

23 The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Leave, you were never his priority, so why is he going to be yours?

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