My husband seems to have no ambition. He says he wants to start his own coffee shop And has been dating it for years, but has taken no action. He does work full time, but refuses to work any overtime unless he is forced by his job. I work full time as well, and have in the past worked 2 jobs 7 days a week. Which, I have a baby now And can no longer do. He thinks that we should be able to live comfortably with us both working full time which is not the case. We make less than 85k combined a year. If I mention that it’s going to be a rough week with finances, he tells me to stfu and quit complaining because he shouldn’t have to “live to work”. I want to take or kids on Adventures and family vacations. None of which is possibly without hard work. Am I in the wrong for asking him to step up? We have a family vacation in a few months which is only possibly because of income taxes and saving life crazy in my end.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My husband seems to have no ambition
J think you know what you have to do for your children’s sake ok
If he’s not ambitious about working harder for his family now he’s never going to be. I would part ways
The simple fact that when you try to talk to him about the finances being stretched thin he tells you to “stfu” is more than enough reason to reevaluate your relationship.
Could you imagine your child’s an adult and u visit and their partner says that to them because it’s what they view as normal in a loving relationship?
How can you not have money in savings making roughly 85K a year. I live in NY, single mama, no BD support, make half of your combined, 3 children, no assistance and I STILL have a fun, good life Maybe stop living a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget 🤌🏽
And also, he may need a complete physical and mental health check
I make roughly 43-44k yearly and still make things happen for my family of 6. Live with in your means.
Do what feels best for you, 85k should be decent depending on where you live. I live in a high cost of living area so we make 120k between the 2 of us and our basic needs are met and we both just work full time positions no overtime. We have 3 kids with 1 on the way. We have plenty of spending money left over and only take 1 trip a year. Maybe tone down the family vacation and just go camping? Kids appreciate the smaller trips anyways. The more “family” bonding trips instead of larger flashy trips etc.
Someone tell this man to run. Poor guy has a kid with her.
You want him to work harder than working a full time job? the man is working, be thankful. You don’t need to work two jobs, go down to 1 job, 5 days per week full time. Lower your bills, you can live comfortably
Wow,she’s looking for advice and some of you just spit insults.
He’s already working full time. He’s providing. Having money is great but also him being g at home spending time with his child is more valuable. We were on one wage for a long time and it was tough we had no where near the amount you are both making yet we found things to do that didn’t cost alot and saved for big trips we wanted. Our child doesn’t go without anything and we make lots of memories and do lots of things. Money isn’t everything
We were like that til my husband retired. Now I’m not able to do a lot but he takes care of everything. We have 2 granddaughters that live with us 12and 13. He does for them and me ALL the time. When we were in our 30’s and 40’s he was like your husband. So, I started pinching Pennie’s and putting money back. I paid bills first, made menu’s and grocery list and cut every where I could. Hang in there!
Maybe he likes to have fun in life
Depending on where you live 85k a year pretty decent living. And your husband’s right he shouldn’t have to work to live I know plenty of people who have plenty of dreams they would like to fulfill but they never seem to get there because they work all the time maybe what you two should be doing is looking at your finances and where you can cut corners what excess is being spent that can be cut out. He shouldn’t have to work to live nobody should and I’m a single woman who makes less than that. My daughter is a single mother of two who makes about half of what the two of you make and she manages just fine pays her bills takes her family on adventures etc etc. She’s got a really good budget filled with things that she deems are necessary(bills, savings,household needs,children’s needs etc) & cut a lot of what she calls excess and unnecessary spending.
I’m still stuck at the stfu part … that’s a horrible way to speak to your wife…
I understand that different locations have different cost of living. I managed pretty well as a single mom making 20k, but I’m in rural western Pennsylvania. I see your husband’s side though, he should be able to spend time with his family and not killing himself for work. See if there are splurges or extras you can cut out. Because he shouldn’t have to work two jobs and miss seeing his kids grow up.
He shouldn’t have to work to death to live either. He’s not being selfish. He’s telling you he ain’t working his self to death. Live with in your means. 85 k is decent
He’s right in this case lol you should be able to live off of that easily.
His response makes me think you’d be better off without him. That response shows he has no ambition whatsoever and has no intention of finding any and to disrespect you like that and have some lame excuse I don’t want to “live to work” . I’m out. How you going to live if you have no money? How you gonna save so you can retire? How do you get out of debt or get ahead? And what about the life you want to provide your child and have your child live? Let him live in a gutter alone if that what makes him happy
Gurl you need to drop that weight.
85k a year and you’re still not happy with it? Wow
$85,000 is well above average for earnings. I would personally rather spend time with my husband and kids than have him out there working OT all the time just so we could go to Disneyland or wherever.
What are you trying to accomplish? When do you have time to spend with your kids? Aren’t you tired? I can see your husband’s point. $85k is a lot of money. I think your kids would trade some of the Adventures to spend more time with you on a day to day basis. Your husband probably isn’t starting his coffee shop because he knows the income isn’t guaranteed and if it doesn’t pull down the amount of money you seem to feel is necessary to live, you would never be satisfied. I believe you should reevaluate your priorities and maybe rein in some unnecessary spending so you would feel more secure. Money isn’t all there is to life. Family time and being able to have down time is just as important.
Your gonna lose him trying to push things that literally don’t matter.
Dang. We make around 85/90k a year and live in a 300k home that’s ours and 2 brand new vehicles and we still go on adventures with our three kids. Idk what state your in but 85k is good money I thought.
I agree with him he shouldn’t live to work. Sounds like you are just money hungry
I dnt blame him. Your in the wrong
I don’t know where everyone lives but 85k between a family of 3 is not a lot of money. Maybe in some parts of the country but not near me. I feel for you. But if you want more it’s not going to come from him. He has to want it and clearly he doesn’t. I bet he wouldn’t mind if you went out and got another job. Hang in there.
No you not in the wrong sometime you have to push a man to do better they seam to get to comfortable with the way things are remember behind a man need to be good women and if you can work two job then so can he step up to the plate
His response is where you lost me. Gross. And no he doesn’t have to work himself to death but overtime here and there won’t kill ya dude.
Full time work should be enough, I feel your expecting too much from him. I work part time, am a single parent and I can take my kids on holidays etc and I get roughly 13k so 85k is the stuff of dreams for me! so maybe you want a life style neither of you can afford, so maybe look back and be grateful for what you have already cos you are luckier than you seem to think you are! Before he walks away cos he’s had enough. Same applies to you, if you want something that bad you should get it yourself instead of expecting your husband to do it for you!
Yes you are wrong, he already works full and shouldn’t be forced to sacrifice his mental health etc to work to provide something you want, all needs are being met etc
It sounds like you can live comfortably but you still want more. That he’s not making enough for you and he’s happy with things. Your the one with the issues here. He shouldn’t have to work himself to death. You have a family vacation planned and that’s still not enough. Many have to save to go on vacations too it’s not just you. Like others said 85k is a lot compared to some out here.
If your not happy with 85k a year I would love to see you live off my family’s income of 32 combined! Haha! You do what you can afford and always live within your means. You may be asking too much. Why don’t you work him to death so he doesn’t have the energy to go on family vacation.
I laugh at everyone telling you to part ways or he’s no good etc… you’re husband shouldn’t have to work himself to the bone or work overtime just to make you happy so you can do more of what you want to do… he’s not wrong when he says he shouldn’t have to live just to work that shit gets old real quick… now if he wasn’t working at all and just sitting on his ass doing nothing I could agree but you’re literally on here complaining because he won’t work overtime for you … have you stopped and thought about how he feels? I’m gonna assume not. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more but you can’t expect your husband to do nothing but work for you to be able to go on vacations etc all that’s gonna accomplish is him resenting you… if you’re not happy with the amount of money you guys are bringing in maybe you should stop expecting it from him and work extra yourself and leave the kids with him if you’re not willing to do it yourself then you shouldn’t complain about him, plain and simple. Just my opinion though.
Working a full time job isn’t showing lack of ambition. Anymore than choosing to have children is fiscally irresponsible when your income doesn’t allow for the extras. Everyone makes choices and sacrifices. And you both made the decision to have children. If you want your situation to change you need to be part of the solution. Help him figure out a plan to start the coffee shop if that’s something you both want. Help him and yourself to network among friends and coworkers you have to get a better paying job. It’s not about quantity of hours. Offer your support and encourage and use resources you both have, rather than judge and push from a place of demand.
You sound very selfish and entitled. If money is your driving force you can also step up and work more hours.
Well you can definitely tell the gold diggers on this thread He’s isn’t being selfish at all. No one should have to work themselves to death physically and mentally . You have what you need. Be grateful sheesh.
Why would you want him to work OT unless you need it? My husband HAS to work it, and although the money is great, I miss him and it makes him miserable.
Wow we are a family of 8 and are making it on way less we are both full time workers, I feel that yall live outside your means new car prolly have 2 car payments plus house payment day care is a must if that’s part but maybe take a look at what your spending and cut back. Look at your bills.
Ask yourself this…if you lost your husband tomorrow how would it make you feel knowing that this was the last thing you posted about him? There’s more to life than fancy vacations and killing your self for money. Work within your means and try to respect your husbands feelings.
It’s called living within your means.
If it bothers you so much, then instead of taking that vacation, save the money, leave your husband and find someone that is willing to work as much as you want them too…Good luck on that one by the way.
If you feel the family needs more … leave the baby home with him… And you get a second job.
Only ask him to step up if you are willing to step up too.
My house is around 90k with 4 and it’s tough on us right now. We’re just scraping by and trying to save what we can. All of our expenses have gone up this past year.
If y’all make 85 together you’re doing amazing. If he’s working a full time job that’s more then most. Quit complaining. Maybe you should I quit living above your means. Also I agree you shouldn’t have to live to work. Minimize your bills so you can enjoy life. Your job shouldn’t take priority over anything really
He shouldn’t have to live to work. Poor guy wants to spend time with his family too. 2 full time jobs should be fine if you live within your means. Family vacations and adventures don’t have to be expensive. I have 3 kids and we can go on a weekend adventure for a hundred bucks and a full tank of gas. You don’t have to be fancy about it. Kids don’t care…they just wanna spend time having fun with their parents exploring.
Your husband is right. Too many people have it backwards these days. You work to live, NOT live to work. Sometimes spending time with your kids, slowing down and enjoying life is far more important then having money and working. Life is not about who has the newest iPhone or newest model car or the newest $300 purse or sneakers!! Ya know what your kids are going to remember when your gone…That you were there to pick them up from school, you played Barbies with them on the floor before dinner, that you had ice cream for dinner one night, that mom snuggled up on the floor with blankets and pillows and had a sleepover on the living room floor and ate popcorn, pizza, and watched a movie!! They will not care what type of purse you had, and guess what neither does anyone else, except for you! A family vacation does NOT have to be a trip to the beach in a $400 a night hotel suite, or a Disney cruise. A family vacation has NOTHING to do with money!!! It is about spending time together as a family, without the cell phone and other distractions. You can easily have a family vacation in your local state park, camping out in a tent, fishing, and roasting marshmallows for $100!!! Money is the root of all evil. Sounds like your husband wants to slow down and enjoy life without all the bells and whistles that you THINK are important. Life is too short!!!
You are wrong and seem greedy. Gut back on all your bills. Most of us like on 40k a year or less. He’ll before my bf and I bought a house I alone was raising 3 kids on 1200 a month. I had to pay my rent and car payment out of that so I don’t feel sorry for u. I wouldn’t work OT either u can but don’t force him.
Please read fascinating womanhood. It is helping me learn to express myself better so i can motivate my husband without making him feel resentful. Its a tad old fashioned but i adjusted it a little in some instances where i found its just down right outdated. Read with an open mind and you may be surprised. Goodluck.
85k a year and you can’t live comfortably?? How many kids do you have? How high above your means are you living? Something isn’t adding up here. Y’all are wasting money somewhere.
He is providing as much as you are. Working full time is enough. I mean overtime is nice for the paycheck from time to time. And most places don’t like overtime. But to me you seem like you are asking way too much of him. He has a full time job, you have a full time job. You have children. You are a mother he is a father. That is another full time job. Adventure and vacation is nice but not needed. You will push him to leave you. No reason to demand he works overtime. As for the coffee shop let him figure it out and quit nagging him about it. He will open one when he’s ready. You cannot control him as much as he cannot control you. I’m telling you he will leave you
If u want to have extra money, cut your extra expenses.
I’d leave him home and take the kids and go have fun !!
Make a life you don’t need a vacation from.
You honestly sound super ungrateful and unhappy. Perhaps it’s not the home but the person you’re not satisfied with.
Telling me to “stfù” alone would’ve been the end of it🤷🏻♀️
Sp!it up and see.how better off you are.
If together y’all make 85 y’all should be doing fine. Maybe cut somethings out that you really don’t need. Hell we make 50 together. We try and do vacations and fun stuff together. It takes a minute to save up but we get it done.
When do you plan going on vacation when you want him to work overtime all the time? When does your baby ever get to see him? I agree with your husband. Not even sorry.
A full time job is hard work
Either one of you could die tomorrow. Is this worth the fight? I think not.
You sound like a nightmare. So many factors come into play here. Is he healthy? Is his mental health not a priority to you? Does he have other commitments? Hobbies? He works full time and between you both, you make 85k a year and you’re complaining? He shouldn’t have to work overtime just because you want him to, it sounds like he prioritizes time with his family.
I left my ex husband for the complete opposite. He lived to work and I felt like he blew me off any chance he got to go to work. To each their own, I suppose. I’d much rather have the time with my significant other and family than the extra money. Maybe that’s just me…?
You can’t live comfortably on 85k a year?!?! You need to take a step back and evaluate how you are living.
Maybe you could get an education and get a higher paying job
One that pays 85 k and then u don’t need to worry about what he does
85k. A year and you can’t live comfortably and have a family vacation, I know inflation is craY right now but it sounds like your living above your means… why should he have to work overtime? Most single parents don’t even make half of that and they manage to get by. Why don’t you get another job and let him take care of the kids when he gets home from work so you can be ambitious instead of using the kids as an excuse to why you don’t work so much anymore
Sounds like you need to get a divorce and then marry for money. That seems to be your focus. There is more to life than work, there is more to life than expensive adventures and vacations.
You’re not wrong and don’t feel bad for wanting more but these are things y’all should of discussed before marriage. Now someone is going to have to sacrifice and not be 100% happy which will start to cause other issues in the marriage.
I make a lot less then that and still find ways to take my kid places. My boyfriend has been out of full time work and has to have medical procedures done. He tries so hard even when I know he’s in pain. It makes me appreciate it more. I would hate if he went back to a life of working 24/7. I’d rather tighten our budget and make memories. There’s so many options you can do close to no money or free. We still go on vacations too. But we have beach days and park days all the time in between. Not every memory you make has to cost money.
If he is helping just as much with the baby then you both have two full time jobs. If he does not help with the baby at all then I certainly see your concern here and agree that he could do something else to make it somewhat fair. ￼
Ppl are made and conditioned to work too much.
Live within your means. My husband works full time for local government. He makes a little over 31k a year. I am a stay at home mom to our two boys. We have no debt other than our house payment. We own our cars outright. We take at least one vacation a year and do tons of stuff on the weekends. We do lots of free stuff like parks and fishing but we also camp and such. Make a budget and find out where your money is going then prioritize.
Goodness 85k a year is a lot!!! I’d be grateful for that & work out treats/holidays within my means… Gx
Y’all should be fine with 85k a year with 1 kid I got 3 and my boyfriend is the only one working and we get way less then that. Sounds like you both need to cut expenses and make a set budget.
You guys are all saying 85K is alot. Yeah sounds like alot but it depends where you live, how much your rent/mortgage is, student loans, other debt emergencies, daycare, diapers, health insurance, the price changes now with the war going on. Prices arent the same as they were 10 years ago and even before that as well. Alot of factors play into these things and as someone who is married and my husband and I make about the same, your not wrong for feeling this way. You work 2 jobs then had a baby thats alot. And working is alot, I’ve always worked 2 jobs instead of my husband but he’s the same way as your husband. He doesn’t want to work more then he absolutely has to. Which is his choice and his feelings which I understand and for me I have no problem working every single day going from one to another. I understand that if you want nicer things in life and don’t come from money or have someone to just give it to you or find it at a steal price then you need to earn it and you earn things like money by working hard. So you have more money to buy things. I’m apart of a dave ramsey group and some people with the cost of living and all their bills and kids can still barley make it by. Everyone situation is different and we are only outsiders looking in. We have 1 piece of the 50 piece puzzle.
Cut stuff out and you can afford to have vacations. Also put some back to start his buissiness
Everyone commenting must not realize cost of living is different everywhere you go. They could move somewhere cheaper but they can’t keep their jobs. Toronto 85k is not enough to be comfortable on. In other provinces you would live like a king… its all in where you live.
We lived off $36k for 1.5 years while I was out of work from covid. We managed 2 car payments, insurance and other bills and still did not stress about money. How is $85k a struggle. Sounds like you are reliving beyond your means
I know how you feel I have the same kind of work ethic you do. My job pays well enough for us to live but I want to do more than just pay the bills and that’s it. I’m a single mom of 3 and I work from home so I’m constantly with my kids. We are going on our very first family vacation in a few months as well to Disneyland. They see how hard I work to provide not just a roof over their heads but comfort too. I make about 65-70k a year but a lot of that is overtime and bonuses. I think both of you have a point here and that a discussion needs to be had. Sometimes what we perceive as having a “good work ethic” is really we are just workaholics. On the flip side of the same coin, not wanting to “live to work” can be sometimes misconstrued as being lazy.
I’m with most of the other comments. You need to step back and prioritize what’s more important. As well as reevaluate your spending/living habits. 85k a year & y’all can’t live “comfortable”; that’s a problem.
If he wants to be home more with his family instead of working over time all the time. Why don’t you take an extra job and work more over time. It seems you’re the one who needs/wants more money.
I can see both sides of this. I 100% agree that no one wants to live just to work and have no other time or energy to actually Iive a life. And idk where you live, but we live in a lower cost of living area of CA and even though we make more now than we used to when all of our 5 children were younger, the rate of everything else has surpassed wages by a long shot and making approx 80k doesn’t go very far with only one child left still at home after mortgage, two car payments, electric, gas, water/garbage, insurance, internet, gas, food, cell phones, throw in an oil change or new tires, heaven forbid a car repair or vet visit and that monthly income is long gone.
Learn to make a frugal life. You won’t be impressing anyone, but you could be happy. Little kids are thrilled with cutting up Kleenex boxes and walking to the park. If you feel like your husband has diff goals, that are important to you and ignored. I’d leave. I’d never allow anyone in my life that told me to stfu.
We lived way below that, with 6 people in our immefamily, but feeding 9 or 10 on any given day. Maybe just look through your expenses to see what you can cut out. You’re not struggling, so I don’t think it’s that important that he gets another job. Money is not everything. Sounds like the 2 of you need a few “cheap” date nights to reconnect. You may be pushing him harder than he’s comfortable with. Again - money is not everything.
Unfortunately 85k a annual combined income is low especially in their current economy. There was a time not that long ago where 85k may have been ok but we also have no idea what their debts and obligations are, where they live (so we don’t know rent or mortgage amounts) etc. There are a lot of factors that could go into whether 85k is reasonable to live off of for them. If she does the finances in their household she may very well have a reason for wanting some overtime from him as they may need it. It’s very hard these days and I understand those who are saying they should have family time but it is also a balance between bills being paid and family time as well. Just some food for thought. I hope things work out for them as a couple and as a family.
With 85k yall should be fine. My husband and I make less than that. I just gave birth to our 7th kid. We take a 2 week vacation every year with our time share and work a little extra if we NEED to. I guess we just enjoy eachothers company enough to find our budget and stick to it so neither one of us are absent in the home due to work
I agree with your husband. He is your partner, not your checking account. If you want the extra money YOU go get it, or sit down, stfu, and let the man enjoy his family after a 40hr work week
I mean he’s not completely wrong. We make 100 k a year so not to far off and I have basically next to no expenses. Rent, utilities, insurance and internet. At 7 k a month you should be more then comfortable if you’re living within your means.
Cut out car payments and get used, get cheap internet and cell phone plans. Cut out or lower any expense except for ones that you can’t and you should definitely have extra income for family trips and such.
We’re a family of 5 and yes living is expensive but we bugdet 1000 a month for travel and if we’re unable to go one month we have 2000 for the next. So really it’s about how you spend and save and work your money.
There’s plenty of things you can do as a family that require little to no money. If things and money are what you value, and you have to work your spouse to death, sounds like your priorities are out of order. You constantly sitting there nagging him to work more, would tell me you don’t value your relationship at all. And if I was in his position, I’d think that I wasn’t good enough for you. That would hurt anyone and make them hostile and angry.
I’m sorry but I agree with your husband. Sure he shouldn’t talk to you that way but he has a point. Yea he could work himself to death for a maybe vacation, but why? There was a tiktok going around about a man who worked non stop missed birthdays and anniversaries. He was saving to take a huge 10 year anniversary trip, well his wife died before they ever got to take that trip, so all that for what? Absolutely nothing but regret. Live in the here and now, save where you can but don’t live to work for a maybe life you’ll possibly never make it to. My husband left a great paying job because he was gone all the time. We had a rough few months, until he found his current job. I’d live uncomfortably for years just to have him home. He missed so much working, some things and moments he can never get back. Work is not more important than family. Sorry not sorry.
Where in the heck do everyone live that think $85k is a lot?
Live within your means!! I want to vacation and do things other families can do but I know we can’t do it. We vacation when we can. I wouldn’t put pressure on my spouse to work more simply bc I want to do more, expensive things. Why put your spouse through more physical and mental stress for your own wants? That type of load will cause so many issues with your relationship and your partners mental health. Don’t do that!!
Maybe find something you can afford to do together instead of expecting him to work more for bigger and better things.
It sounds like both of you are miserable. He needs work that’s more meaningful and pays better. You need ONE job (not two) that pays well. You both need to make time for each other.
Not everyone is equally ambitious, and that’s ok. He works full time; he’s not lazy. Sit down and make financial goals together. Be sure to budget for your kid, including clothing, education, child care, medical, and other expenses. When do you want to retire? Are you saving for retirement? Put everything in the conversation.
Then, silently and separately consider how to get there. Reconvene and discuss.
You might consider remote jobs. You might consider moving to a more affordable area. One or both of you might consider upskilling to get a better paying and more interesting job. You don’t have to continue doing what you’re doing. It sounds like neither of you wants to.
There’s no way in hell you are serious.
Tbh I think he’s right, as long as he’s not carelessly spending. He’s already working full time. He shouldn’t have to live to work.
It’s just two different perspectives on life. Neither is right, neither is wrong.
It’s just for you to decide whether or not it’s a dealbreaker for you in your marriage but I don’t think you should pressure him to be unhappy by working overtime
Sounds like you are living beyond your means. Even at 85k a year, you should be fine even with everything going on.
85k is A LOT for most families, and you should be plenty comfortable and capable to both live within your means and vacation while you only have 1 child. It sounds to me that you need to reevaluate your finances.
I think there is more to this relationship. I would probably suggest marriage counseling.