I might be tempted to tell him to step right out the door!
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His mental health is more important. I would start looking for different vacation ideas at good prices. Usually just have to grab the deals at the right time
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I agree, you shouldnât have to work your life away, lower your expectations and be happy your both gainfully employed. Spend time with your kid(s) and family. Life is too short.
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I would never let some dude to tell me to stfu. Someone would be packing their bags.
Go back to school 
you can take online courses and get a better job for yourself. Canât always depend on somebody else to get you to where you wanna beďżź
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I donât know your finances, but 85K is a pretty good income, it sounds to me like you two need to sit down and discuss your Financial items and make a budget together, no you shouldnât have to work your life away!
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Sounds like you have different goals and ambitions. What you want for your family should be agreed upon to avoid resentment.
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I donât wrk right now because my sugars been way out of control for 13 years and just got worse til like 3 months ago when my friend referred me to a good diabetic dr one of the best ( Iâve lost 15 pounds in 21/2 months and gotten my sugar down) but now gotta have eye surgery but we make it with one person working and get to do stuff Iâm thankful for all that . I know itâs very hard on some people and no you are not in the wrong.
If you want more money but your husband doesnât want to work any more then you should probably go get a better job
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Be satisfied with what you have. Many families have less But are happier because they can spend time together. That baby needs you more than needing a vacation
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My husband and I make about $80k a year combined. We live comfortably and have savings. We have learned to live within our means, which sounds like something you need to figure out. We also have 4 kids compared to one Child. Our kids have everything they want and need. We go away at least once a month. Again making it within our means. I bargain hunt for the best hotel deals. Motherâs day weekend we are going away for 3 days and I spent less than $200 on a hotel for the 3 days. And itâs a nice place. I mean I donât expect to live a millionaire lifestyle on a median income. Learn to budget. Cut out what you dont need.
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You make that much and still canât afford things??? 
Live within your means. Itâs not his job to âstep upâ so you can have fkn FUN. Heâs beyond right
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Well 85k is a lot but not what it used to be. I would sit down with him and get on a budget. And look at your expenses and figure out what you need to save all year long in order to afford these vacations. And see what is feasible to set aside for play money each week. You both have to be In Agreement for it to work. Or else you will bury yourself in debt
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Iâd be happy with $85kâŚ.
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Ummmm 85k is decent living. I donât make that and still budget and take my kids on vacations as a single mom. Maybe both sit down and discuss budget and bills etc.
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You work to live !! Not live to work !! Lifeâs more than money and working all time do a job you love never work a day of your life !!
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Iâm confused. Is it just the 3 of you? Because thatâs about what my husband and I make a year. Weâre a family of 6. We donât have a whole lot of savings, but our bills are paid, food is on the table and we take a weeks long family vacation every year and he and I take a long weekend trip, just the two of us. Not to mention all the school stuff and extracurriculars that our kids do.
So again, Iâm confused. He works a full time job⌠does he not do anything around the house or spend time with his family? I mean, the man is right⌠you shouldnât just live to work. If you want more money coming in, either cut back or get a better job. Then you can bring in more money while he stays home with the baby.
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Um first off if a man ever told me to âstfuâ about anything he would regret the words coming out of his mouth. Thatâs not something you tell the mother of your child and your wife. Since your saving for the trip why donât you take the kids without him? Unless you need his extra help. Might open his eyes up.
It is ok to be ambitious and want more out of life. You just may need to be the one to do it! There is a big beautiful world out there and if exploring it is what makes your heart content, go for it! I think you should start by looking into a job that pays more, with good benefits. Just because you donât have the same vision, it does mean you have to sacrifice your version of fulfillment. It just means it may not come through him. You got this, you just need to pivot a bit!
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What state u live in?
I guess that depends on where you live because 85k in California isnât muchâŚlolâŚif you want it done I guess youâll have to do it yourself.
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He soundsâŚmediocre. Funny how men think theyâre the providers and still have no hustle.
We donât all have the same needs.I think itâs ok to think big, to have dreams for yourself and your children.If your husband isnât on board with it, youâll have to get creative yourself, save up, use your skillsâŚMaybe seeing your motivation and success will motivate him to step up moreâŚ
I canât even think about the financial aspect because I canât see past the part where he said âstfu and quit complainingâ to you. 
That is not ok. Itâs one thing to disagree on a family budget and spending, itâs much bigger issue if you canât discuss it respectfully and come to a resolution together.
You make more than enough to live comfortablyâŚ
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Iâm a stay at home mom we have 4/6 kids. My husband doesnât even make 85k a year like 20k less than that and we are fine⌠how r you not happyâŚ
Honey I live on $11,000 a year. Disability and would probably die from heart failure if I and my mate made that much a year.
I would give anything to work,and have tried many times, but due to my health issues I just canât.
You and your husband need to sit down and discuss your finances. You should be living comfortably on that much a year.
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Depending on where you live I completely get it and while I do not think he should have to live to work, he should consider picking up some while he has the option.
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Yikes, you want him working 7days a week? That sounds terrible 
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Good god. This is why I have no husband and going to college. Iâm sorry heâs being that way. Get rid of that a hole
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The only vacation my family gets is because of income taxesâŚ
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Heâs not wrong but not living to work, but it seems like your the one that is wanting more. If yâall want to vacation and travel then yâall should budget for it. I have picked up a evening job cleaning offices in the past just 3 days a week to pay debt off and to pay for our vacations. Itâs ok if you get a part time job if these are things you want. He doesnât have to. He can be home taking care of baby In evening . But honestly yâall both have to be on same page with budgeting and putting money back for those things or itâs not going to work.
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So many commenting 85k is a lot and that they have 5+ kids and are living fine 
you probably live in a cheaper state. In California 85k is definitely NOT enough. With that being said you should definitely live within your means or find a better paying job. Financial stability is NOT just the husbands job. Idky so many women believe it is only the manâs job to provide. If you are both working and itâs still not enough , either find a better paying job or vacation when youâre financially stable enough to do so.
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Um 85k a year? My husband and I only make 60k a year and live quite comfortable with kids as well. Maybe look at stuff youâre spending money on that you donât need to spend money on.
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Dude. Do you want a husband or a pay check?
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First of all he should never tell you to STFU! Second , donât let any man control you to the point you canât to go things with your kids. Youâll regret it later.
Stop pressuring him. Heâs not a workhorse. If you want more money find a higher paying job.
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I get what ur saying in a sense. You have ambitions to do bigger things with your life. You want money and the nice things we all do. But you also canât be mad at someone for working full time. If you want that for yourself you should start a buisness and succeed and if he doesnât want to help you when itâs needed then thatâs a different conversation. Having a kid does not stop someone from starting a buisness. If u want that stuff enough go do it girl!
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We make around 65,000 a year and live comfortably with taking a week long vacation and extra events through the year with our kids. Just saying it can work and we live in Iowa.
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I could live like a king on85K a year!ďżź where the hell do you go for vacation, Paris? Yeah maybe Iâm not the right person to ask about this?!!!ďżź
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Material things do not make you happyâŚ
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Well, firstly this woman can no longer pick up more work as she is a mother so thereâs a job right there and secondly, if he wants all the same things then he needs to pick up the slack or he can look after the kids and you pick up more work. This is about equality within the relationship.
If he isnât wanting to work more then thatâs fine however he needs to allow for you to work more if you want too, which means parenting duties for him.
I wouldnât be tolerating him telling you to stfu, thatâs just not acceptable behaviour at all.
If he ever goes through with the coffee shop idea, make sure you have a seperate bank account for savings for yourself, because when it goes under, and it will with his lack of motivation then you will be the bad guy. That way you have money to move on and set up on your own.
Just food for thought.
Financial counselling may be option where you are for the both of you. That way he can see where cuts need to be happening too.
Good luck, there is nothing wrong in wanting the best for yourself and your children. xx many blessings
85k is more than enough to have adventures and vacations maybe you all live above your means if itâs tight
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Iâm going on vacation this year. Taking x about of $ and when I go thru 1/2 of that, im gonna turn around and come home.
Sleeping in the car, showers at truck stop and camp site, and eating at road side parks. And thatâs how this old lady making it work for her.
You donât need to go Paris to make a vacation. A 6 hr drive and stay in a tent is a vacation too js
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Why donât YOU step up???
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Yes, youâre in the wrong. Youâre trying to live beyond your means. You want more income, boost your income. Stop placing blame on him bcuz youâve set unrealistic expectations.
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Weâre a family of six and one income. My fiancĂŠ has owned his own construction company for the last 20+ years. Weâre able to take 2 vacations a year and do a shit ton of stuff with our kids throughout the year. On top of holidays and birthdays. If you want to be able to do more. Than get a better paying job
That is his job to support his family. If you are working too that is a plus. Now you two are with a child, that should be your first priority. Iâm a teacher. I see so many kids go home to no parents⌠they are out of control because they have no home life with their parents actually parenting them. Part of your job now is to care for that baby the best you can and be there, present with that child as much as you can. Everything else is second. America is losing its children to ungodly things because they do not have a parent at home guiding them. I understand times are tough. Inflation is beyond high and itâs not easy financially for a lot of us. A vacation can be saved up for. You can even donate plasma, save lives, and make money to save for a fun day. There are other ways to make extra money too. You wonât be able to make him work more if heâs unwilling to.
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You need an accountant if you are struggling on 85k a yr. with one child. I can see his point if you run short. My hubby would blow a fuse
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You want more money
You have to work more
I make 3 times as much as my husband. He works full time, and I still so appreciative of everything that he does.
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Iâve seen a lot of people die as a healthcare worker. I ainât never heard someone regret not working more. But I have surely heard them regretting not making time for what matters
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I think if youâre struggling on the combined income you have you need to have a look at where youâre wasting money. Thatâs a good income between you and you should be able to live comfortably on it. And your husband is working full time if he worked more hours youâd probably complain he wasnât around enough. Learn contentment and appreciate what you have. As a single mum whose partner died 3 years ago I would love to be in your financial situation.
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Tell your husband to man up and work more hours. And if he complains tell him to shut up. Especially if you work and take care of the kids. He can definitely work a little over time.
Sorry you are feeling this way⌠you are not in the wrong. It doesnât sound like his priorities are the same as your. You should find someone to match your energy. Iâve been in the same situation. It makes you feel like crap when you work your butt off and give your kids what you want.
You know what needs to happen if he doesnât step up and I wish somebody Iâm married to tells me to STFUâŚ
Sounds like you need to set a budget and cut out luxury or unneeded expenses. OT shouldnât be necessary if you make a combined 80k/year.
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Wow. Heâs verbally abusive
85,000 a yr. You need to get a notebook to track your finances. I get certain locations are higher cost of living .but âŚ
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You should help him. Iâm doing my part and being a surrogate for extra money to help me and hubbyâs dream of owning rental properties come true. We both put in money to businesses that were a bust. Instead of saying it is his dream to own a coffee house,why dont you say it is OUR dream and make an effort to help make it happen?
Best surrogacy places i have found are Inclusive SurrogacyâŚstarts out at $45k. Expect MiraclesâŚstarts out at $30k. Helps you get money while helping others make their own family! Awesome process. Want more? Got to work for it somehowâŚand work together towards common goals as a married couple. 
He doesnât want to live to work. Donât make him 
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Just slave yourselves into the ground since nothings good enough.
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$85,000 is way more than a lot of people, re-evaluate your expenses and learn the difference between wants and needs, you donât need to keep up with the Jonesâ my monthly income is less than $800.00 and I do very well on it and even save a bit back for fun
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Right or wrong, the foundation of your problem is yours and his desires/future goals not aligning. That will be the root of your issues if you dont figure that out.
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It depends. Is he the only one who made a big debt that requires extra work coming in? If soâsay in the case of gambling or a hobby thatâs expensiveâI can understand you wanting him to work more. On the other hand, if he has just been working and coming home, and you just want more in the way of trips, etc., youâre wrong to expect it of him.
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For everyone bashing the OP, give her a break. She didnât say where she lives, so we donât know what the cost of living there is. She said sheâs worked extra in the past, so why canât he? Plus, she has a new baby and is STILL working full time. And for those who said a vacation doesnât have to be fancy or excessive, go away. Nobody is saying your idea of a vacation isnât good enough, however itâs ok for everyone to want different things. It sounds like she busts her a@@working and deserves a nice treat. Sheesh. Itâs all about bashing ppl until youâre getting bashed.
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Then you save up and take your family on vacation and create those memories. Let him stay home and miss out. Hopefully he may change his mind.
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Ive survived on less than 85k a year. Your budget may need to be looked at.
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Time to find a REAL man hunnyđ
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I live in NJ and manage on one income with 4 people. We live very well and no one is ever âneedingâ. We eat out 1x a week, we cook all our meals, we pack our lunches, and I donât pay daycare because my husband stays home with our son. I donât make nearly as much as the both of you, but I budget very well. Key is really writing all your expenses down and seeing where you can cut and how you can save money. BUT I would have to say, if youâre wanting all these changes then maybe the ambition should come from you. There are jobs out there you can apply for entry level that would give you a boost in income or even consider working opposite shifts. Not sure what your entire situation is so this is strictly speculation with minimal facts. At the end of the day, if YOU arenât happy, only YOU can change that around and not someone else.
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I agree with yout husband honestly. No human should feel like their entire existence is a need to work. 85K a year is pretty damn good and you should probably go over your spending habits if youâre struggling. I understand wanting to have your kids experience thingsâŚbut then take the time to save. If you want more moneyâŚthen YOU should tell him that and do something to make moreâŚexpecting your husband to work 60 plus hours because you want more is just selfish. Most couples I know pull less than 80K and still take their kids on vacations and do fun thingsâŚthey just take the time to save.
Girl, you cannot want it enough for him. Itâs something you will need to decide, is this life good enough for you?? Good Luck!
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Itâs ok to make numerous income streams
I donât understand everyone telling her about her financial situation and if they should be comfortable or not. We have no idea where this woman lives, what their cost of living is, etc. Just because $85k may seem like a ton of money to some there are a lot of different factors that can consume that money very quickly.
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so many many question with no way of getting the answerâs i canât answer this question
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Thatâs a pretty decent income. I would rather spend time together as a whole family than having my husband work a bunch of overtime 𤡠one of our favorite things to do when itâs nice out is go camping. State parks are pretty cheap, we donât have an RV or anything we go and set up a big tent and have air mattresses and have a blast. So much fun making memories and not having to pay much money at all.
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You cant force someone to achieve their own dream and honestly must be nice to have that kinda income i myself am on a fixed income only a lil over $700 a month maybe try being thankful for what you do have and like most people are saying try to budget better I hope that you do get what you want outta life though
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Just because YOU wanted to work two jobs, doesnât mean he has to. Most people donât want to waste their life just working themselves to the bone.
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Your eventually going to feel stuck with someone like that. Its normal to want those memories for the family. Its normal to not want to live paycheck to paycheck. What your feeling is very normal. If he wants to live like, normal people, which most people are educated only enough to live that way then its time you evaluate your relationship with him for you and the kids. I know it sounds selfish, but Iâd rather be selfish and find someone who wants to give me his all then to be with someone like that for the rest of my life and live miserably with my kids. Your feeling like that cause you know deep down you and your kids deserve a life full of loving memories.
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I wish I made 85k a year now. We used to make 100k a year before covid hit. No budget at all and was comfortable with everything.
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If he is telling you to âstfu and quit complainingâ, I have a feeling you nag and nag and nag him about it on a daily basis. Stop doing that and see if it changes. If that is not the case, then you shouldnât have had a kid with him.
Wow wished u lived on that muchâŚim disabeled I live on 15000 yearâŚnot much I do without lotâŚbut good luck to you both mayb he will get started on his dream âŚyall work together donât work to much u need time together its not worth losing family time overâŚI hope things go better for u
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Letâs forget about the financial situation for a minute⌠and touch base on the fact that your husband is telling you to âstfuâ! Thatâs not ok.
Take the kids on vacation and leave him home.
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First of all.
Heâs exhausted or fatigued. His body is run down. Itâs not ambition. Have his Thyroid checked and vitamin levels. Google Chronic Fatigue. He may be depressed because no matter how hard both of you work. You canât get ahead. Your living beyond your means. 85k is upper financial status. Start a budget. Donât purchase any luxuries or eat out.
Only keep to your necessities. If you âwantâ it. DONâT buy it. Keep everything unplugged but the fridge. Especially the computer. My son moved out with his computer and our electric bill went down 100$. Even when you donât use it and plug it in âŚit draws energy anyway. Only use lights in the evening. Open curtains for daylight. Youâll be amazed how it makes you feel better feeling and seeing the light come in. If your buying your home. Refinance it. It will make your payments smaller. Depending on when you started buying it. Get a smart tv so you can use apps for viewing. Pay NOTHING for cable.only pay for internet. There are around 50 or more FREE apps to watch. DO NOT pay for them. There are thousands of movies on these apps that are really good to watch.
PLUTO
TUBI
are a few of them and thereâs more. Just Google free tv apps. Youâll be surprised.
Your bills should go down drastically if you do all this. But, he is definitely depressed and tired. Iâm sure you are too so do the same. Check Vitamin levels. God bless
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He works full time. You work full time. And you cannot make it on $85,000/year??? Do you buy Starbucks? Do you eat out? Do you have a brand new car? What in the world is siphoning your abundant budget??? I donât understand. (I think you need to get familiar with Dave Ramsey!!
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A great platform that can make everybody smile, for my first time hear about making money online, I thought is fake by when I try it I realise that is real so I wonât keep silent I need everyone to smile like me veronika filina
@Redirecting...
There seems to be different issues that need addressed separately.
- I can see clearly, that you value drive and ambition and although not stated, desire your man to handle the house and be head. From his response or how you had worked 2 jobs in the past, he does not feel that more is better or that he should be primary head. Again running on assumptions. That in itself should be a discussion of expectations of roles withing your marriage.
- You want to reap the benefits of working hard. You value making memories and vacations which in turn requires more finances than where you are currently. And you want your husband to fill that gap with his drive and motivation, where he does not value those things and is ok living within means and not doing extra to have âluxuryâ like a vacation.
- Budget. I can not tell you that your living outside your means, bc I do not know your means of living and how money is pooled between the two of you. But money can be tight so the only conclusion of what needs to be discussed is either you tell him your expectations of how he needs to provide or that you lower your expectations of who he is and alter views of vacations or other things. Communication is key. Again all of us are inputting our own bias and assumptions.
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I would never ask for advice on here, too judgemental, it seems to alway be the person fault
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Maybe this issue here is that she feels like she is doing all the hard work by going above and beyond and he is just doing what he has too just to get by.
If it was me I would save all the spare money I earnt and spend it only on myself and the kids. If he wants to go on holiday then he has to save his own money from his job and if thatâs not enough or he canât then he doesnât come.
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FFS his working full time⌠What more can he do you selfish bitch
A vacation doesnât have to cost a fortune memories donât come from money
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Yes you are wrong asking him to step up if he doesnât feel the same about these extravagant vacations you have planned. Go camping. Just spend a weekend on a staycation.
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I had the same issue with an ex of mine. Loved paycheck to paycheck and he refused to work any OT even though it was available constantly. But these things you usually find out before getting married. Marry someone with the same values surrounding work/home balance
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I cannot understand a wife insisting on her husband working overtimeâŚif sheâs not willing to out and work to help out. Itâs just beyond my pay grade.
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What planet is this guy living on?!?!
Everyone saying 85k combined is alot, clearly doesnât live in California lol
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I agree with you. You work yourself to the bone to provide extra activities for you and your family, but your husband wonât. Then spend it on just you and your kids.
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I think from a male perspective, when they work hard all day 5 days a week (overtime or not) they feel like they shouldnât have to struggle. That their minimal wants (even when they arenât so minimal to us) should hold priority over us and our children as a reward for working hard. Under 85 k is very broad. Honestly I make a little over half of that, and I donât have a bunch of savings, but I do live comfortably with 3 kids and cam still pretty much buy them anything whenever they ask. My kids most favorite memories are just summer days playing outside with me and or their dad. Gardening together or digging holes, searching the neighborhood for sticks for a fire we build in our pit. When we did spend a TON of $$ on vacation, it wasnât worth it bc between the two smallest they alternate naps so I pretty much was secluded in a hotel room all day. My point is, sometimes things are not as deep as you might think. Just breathe and enjoy the life you have.
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Well the pass 3 plus years have not been the best for most., Maybe chage the vacation to aless expensive one. go camping and fishing, believe me, The adventures at Kingdoms where you wait in the hot sun for hours for rides, Kids have to be acertain age height and weight, Go relax in the woods stay out of concrete expense and heat, Save yourmoney for the coffee and biscotti shop.
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I agree with him,
I get plenty of opportunities to work over time but donât take it because I want to spend as much time as I can simply living not just working my best years away
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Yes, he needs to step it up!!!