My husband thinks he doesn't have to lift a finger because he works: Advice?

You’re a single mom of 4 children. :upside_down_face:

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Hire a cleaner… or tell him “ok I’ll be 100 percent a house wife but keep in mind you have to be able to give us the life we been having”

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Scout out a local daycare. Find out how much it would cost to send your kids there. Hand him a bill for daycare costs. Explain that something has to give bc you’re burned out. A) You can take kids to daycare so you can do your other job B) you can hire a house cleaner ( provide him a bill forvthat too)or C) he can pitch in and do his part. If he turns a blind eye to your needs then request couples therapy. D) you can divorce where he will have tovtend to his own house and take his turn with caring for his kids while you go and have some me time.

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He’s a lazy chauvinist.

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Why do people get married and have children without discussing each other’s expectations about the distribution of responsibilities in the relationship.

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Stop doing stuff for him. He can fu3k RIGHT off. You deserve help. It seems like your better off leaving because your doing it yourself anyways. Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing anything for him. He’s a loser and doesn’t deserve anything

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Leave girl men aren’t worth it

Your husband sounds like a chauvinistic pig!!
To watch someone struggle and stuffer when you can do something about it and help is the lowest of the low… my OH works but he still helps out around the house, no 1 person can do it all! If you need & want to hire a cleaner, it will make your life so much easier you’d be surprised what they can get done in a few hours… Your husband is also taking sh*t about ‘AlL tHe OtHeR gUyS WiFeS hAvE iT dOnE’ :woman_facepalming:t3: …yes some people can maintain their houses really well but it’s circumstantial - Do they work? Multiple jobs? Several children? A gaslighting husband? Do they have young kids? Do they get help? Are all of their kids needs met? Etc etc …your husband is a douche and he needs to shape up or ship out! It actually sickens me you can ask for help and he has the audacity to say ‘i work 8 HR days’ :joy: 8 hours! A waitress can work double that and still has to get other stuff done! 8 hrs is a short work day the absolute fool!

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I say fuck him, and when you leave then he’ll realize just how much you did. Oh and wait until it’s his time with the kids :joy:

Just leave. He is a disrespectful misogynist.

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It’s his house and his kids too, he needs to step up and work with you. My ex thought the same thing ! Do what you can do and the rest will just have to wait until you get around to it. Don’t make yourself crazy over this. In the end if you leave you will see its probably easier having one less child to take care of.

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Leave your doing everything yourself for you and your children. Get him in child support.

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If you gotta do it all on your own then you might as well be on your own. That is just ridiculous and lazy on his part. Tell him you aren’t a slave or a maid and if he can’t step up then you will step out and he can hire one.

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If you’re doing everything alone, and you’re unhappy why be with him?

I just went through this. Kicked him out lol

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You don’t get to control other people. If he doesn’t meet your standards, meet your own. If you’re unwilling to do that, at least leave so you aren’t creating a toxic home for your children and their father by trying to control him

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He help make the kids n home he can help clean up after them plain n simple or at least this is what I told my ex before he turned into a monster (he was a good hub he just led a double life that was sickening) n I tell my friends hubbies when they say so so doesn’t do enough it’s normally a eye opener when im blunt with them…with that being said hun im a single mom of 4 who works n deals with multiple chronic health issues as well as having multiple kid in sports give yourself a break breath set a cleaning schedule I swap laundry in the morning n put away at bedtime every kid has a day for laundry so that way I don’t get overwhelmed dishes are rinsed n stacked nightly n washed every other day animals are cleaned every 3 days floors are picked up every night but swept as I have time sometimes they go days without being done n dusting I pay a friend to do it once a month cause I get sick when I do it n hey if you miss something on the day you set to do it just fret it will be there the next day

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I’m so sorry you’re not being appreciated, you shouldn’t have to but maybe try documenting everything you do in a day by video recording. If that don’t work then just take you and your baby’s and he can clean up after himself, cloths, food, ect

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Figure out how much your 2 jobs are bringing in. Print off how much inhome daycare gets paid. Tell him you can quit your jobs and he can pay you a daycare wage and cover any shortage of funds from you quitting your job and leave a paper with part time jobs for him with how many hours he has to work to make up what you won’t be making anymore. Tell him help or I’ll quit and you will need to provide these things to keep our income the same

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Unfortunately, these men are not easy to change. Also, just because you work at home, you are still emloyed. Set hours. And then quit for the day. He puts in, what nine? Do the same. But in reality it might not change a thing. Keep your paycheck in your own account. Don’t mix your money.

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Tell him it’s not 1925. He lives there too.

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If you are working you should both be taking care of the house

If you’re already doing it by yourself then this’ll easier than you think.

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Where do yall find these men… holay… yall must have seen these signs before committing to marriage and kids…
Leave that lil boy and find a man …

There are plenty out there that will go to the ends of the earth for you… i swear they exist!!!

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Stop doing his stuff. I’m not even kidding. His laundry, his problem. His grill, his problem. His junk, his problem. That would be the day that I work two jobs at home and have the kids and have the entire house while my husband does nothing. Absolutely not.

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If he’s not willing to change, ask him to leave and file for child support

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Yea that’s not cool. We have the understanding over here that he works and I do that house and kid stuff and he still helps out, without a fuss, when I need him to.
I once,a long time ago, looked up all avg prices what I do would be if I charged. Daycare, personal chef, maid, chauffeur, dog walker etc etc and showed him how much what I do would cost him…that helped him realize some things.

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You should go out a couple days a week leave him with the children and the messy house and see what he says then

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I wish women would have this conversation before marriage. “I want to be at a stay at home mom, but you’re not going to be one of those 1940’s husbands who does nothing around the house”.

He is just as to blame as you are, and is not likely to change.

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I agree on some peoples posts if you worked 2 jobs and having to do all the housework…why did you keep on having more children …you are doing this to yourself…if he isnt willing to help and you are tired and overwhelmed … then change things around you to help yourself out instead of complaining about your useless hubby…ike bring in a cleaner a couple days a week …also get a babysitter in for a few hours a couple days a week…its up to you to change …leaving isnt going to solve anything…you would still need to support yourself and still need to do all the housework
Where do you all find these hubbies who dont support you…does he at least pay attention to his kids when he gets home…try saying watch the kids so i can finish getting dinner ready if he doesnt start making simple meals like spaghetti and crap meals …have your kids help with cleaning their rooms and picking up toys…leave his laundry and do it every 2 weeks and throw it in his drawers unfolded or leave in basket
Arguing to him doesnt solve anything so do what you can to HELP yourself and you will find yourself happier too

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Leave him. He doesn’t deserve you.

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This is me and my husband to a tee ! I don’t know what to do anymore.

Stop doing for him. Feed the kids before he gets home from work. Don’t wash his laundry. Don’t clean up after him. Tell him your his life partner, not a live in maid service. If he doesn’t get the point. Leave for a day. Leave the kids with him. If the house is tore up when you get home because he hasn’t done anything walk right back out the door and stay the night with family or a friend, leaving the kids with him. If he doesn’t wake up and get the point, sounds like it’s time to leave. I have always said and lived by these words… If I’m doing it all by myself, I may as well be by myself. I tell my grown daughters this all the time. Why have a man around that does nothing but frustrate you. You will be happier without someone to resent in the home.

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He appears to be chauvinist, it takes more than 2 paychecks to make it work. If he isn’t willing to be a good helping husband and father— then he needs some help in understanding the 21st century and what is going on in this country , right now.

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Leave! I wouldn’t do none of his laundry or cook for him no more. He helped make those kids and should help take care. He has no respect for you.

So your enabling the behavior by constantly putting up with it then right???

He is your partner and if he can’t pick up the slack when you are struggling then he is trash. Honestly if my husband said that to me we would be separating. That is his home and his kids and he has responsibilities to them. It’s not even about helping you it’s about doing what needs to be done to keep the home functioning.

Pack your kids up and go.

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These men have had a cushy life thinking all he needs to do is pull an 8 hour shift and be catered to at home. Nope, if that’s how he thinks there’s no partnership, no team in your relationship because whether or not he has a family he has to do a job to survive that’s the reality to living these days. You sound like you’re amazing at doing it all solo and you can handle this while his only job is paying you child support. Stop doing his laundry. Stop making him a plate. He can fend for himself because you have no time to take care of a 4th child. When I was a stay at home mom my husband still helped, especially the yard. I didn’t have to lay a finger on the yard. He did his own laundry ( he has his own system and doesn’t really like how I do it lol). It’s not just you. He has no respect for your family. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing anything else.

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The other wives prob don’t have two jobs and kids… and if they do they prob feel some sort of way about their husbands as well but those men aren’t going to tell they to people. I can hear the stress in the way this is written. Get rid of your husband. Create the life you want and don’t settle. You do it on your own already why have him add to your stress.

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Notify him that your boss ask you to work in the office and the family will have to pay for a nanny or a day care for 3 and a cleaner weekly. What does him prefer? Or quite your job and let him handle the bills!
Ask him for ideas!
I would love to help you with the chores! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Hire someone to come in once or twice a week to do house straightening laundry. If bbqing it’s his job. Tell him to pitch in. You are NOT his maid.On the days someone comes in to clean be ready to go out. Leave him with the kids. Don’t feed them let him fend for all.

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Is there a place near you that washes your laundry? I use a laundry service once a month just to give me some reprieve.
Also, his grill, his problem. You definitely need to take some time for yourself Momma. Those babies need you at your best. You don’t need a grown man child. He can do basic things like clean up after himself and watch the kids while you are cooking.
If he’s not willing to help, then so what’s best for all If you and leave. You don’t want your children seeing their mother being treated like this.

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Gurl…leave him & hz grill!!!:expressionless:

You have 3 jobs! Stop the insanity!!
1st birth control
2nd either hire some help, or quit a job.
3rd ask him to do some stuff with the kids

What is up with all these men thinking it’s 1950 again! Sorry but just cause we stay home does not mean we should have to clean up after grown ass men. Naw I refuse. When my man makes a mess he knows I’m not cleaning it. Cause I’m over being the house maid. Idk about you. But mine makes bigger messes than our 7 year old! And ugh it literally takes everything in me to not change locks when he says it’s okay your home all day you can clean my mess. :roll_eyes::roll_eyes::roll_eyes::facepunch:t3:

When we are adults it us our responsibility to maintain our home and care for our children. When women stop asking for “help” men will stop veiwing it as such. Teach your sons and daughters this is an expectation of life. Male or female we have duties that need to be met. Stop the idea that the home is for the woman to deal with. Newsflash women are in the workforce and are no longer just housewives.

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You need to take a break, some free time to relax. Then you can make a decision.

About the husband, it could be he really do not understand what you go through, maybe if he understands he will change his behaviour.

Wish you all the best.

1-Stop doing his laundry… and when he says something be like I’m work 2 jobs while raising the kids and cleaning…
2-Also stop making food for him.
3-Also make sure you check is going into a different account and when he wants your money for bills be like what check my jobs so easy you should earn enough to cover the bills right?

4- find a mothers morning out program through a church or something that like 9 to 1 pm just so you can get something done in pieces

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You obviously can do it all so why keep a man around that doesn’t appreciate you or have any respect for you. He should be willing to help with his kids too without you asking. I’d pack my shhh and go . I’m sending my love and prayers. And unless hes making 6 figures with his 8 hour job and can hire you some help HE needs to pitch in and help you at home too. :person_shrugging:

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I saw this and thought of your post.

Okay so my fiancé used to be the exact same way. Strangely enough he’s a mechanic too (weird :joy:) everything you just described he did. Up until the last two weeks. I fell and broke my leg pretty badly. Needed surgery. And now cannot walk for 6 weeks. So he has had to do EVERYTHING. And let me tell you it has really changed the way he thinks of me and what I do. He looked at me and yesterday and said I don’t know how you do it. So my advice is just stop doing it. Other than taking care of your kids stop doing everything for him. When he’s home make him do it or it doesn’t get done. It really opens their eyes

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He’s wrong. But after so many years of accepting this, you’ve been telling him he’s right. Can’t expect to switch up overnight and expect him to be ok with it. First off have a conversation about what his coworkers wives are or aren’t doing is irrelevant. Their household isn’t yours. I’d give him a few weeks to pick up some slack, take over a few chores and a day or two a week to make dinner. If he doesn’t, I’d leave. I’m not built for caring for a grown ass dead beat.

I’m a stay at home mom, I don’t work and my husband does. A real man knows that raising kids and taking care of a home is a 24 hour job. He needs to get off his lazy ass and help out a little, especially seeing as your working as well. Cleaning should be 50/50 and if not he is just looking for a mother for himself and not a wife. Sorry your dealing with this.

Maybe u should have a helper

Kick his ass out. File for divorce. Put him on child support. You aren’t his mama. He lives in that house making messes too. He also helped create those kids. Either be a man and figure out how to work and do home stuff or get out. Period.

Hell your basically single. Already doing everything yourself. Might as well get rid of the man child.

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He is just as much responsible for house chores and kids as much as you are he needs to step up and help. He lives there and helped make the children he needs to grow up. Just cause he works doesn’t mean he can go home and park on his ass.

I’d leave. He doesn’t deserve you.

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I have gone on strike as well you can only do so much! Do a list of what you want help with step-by-step so he can’t say he didn’t know how to do it. So just think they are able to do nothing.

Tell him to hire a housekeeper to help you.

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I agree with Diana Mullinax

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If you’re paying half the bills then he should be doing half the house chores. You may have to separate to get your point across.
Too many men these days except women to do everything while they do very little. It’s disgusting
I agree with the comment below that he should be helping even he’s paying all the bills because taking care of kids and the house is way more work than clocking in and out of a 40hr a week job.
He’s a mechanic so we know he isn’t paying all the bills. He doesn’t earn enough

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Maybe let him know that you’re already doing it all alone anyways. And you don’t need an extra “child” to take care of .

Sounds like your load would be lightened without him.

Also let him know he’s wrong. That happy wives and families do have MEN that come home and help with chores. He’s acting more like a BOY who likes to play grown up but still expects Mommy to take care of him when they get home.

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You should not be talked to like that or treated like that. You are not his maid or his mom!!!

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He needs to live alone for a few months and see where not lifting a finger when he gets home from work will get him!

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Drop the dead weight that is him.

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So, you work 2 full time jobs, PLUS take care of kids, him, AND all the house chores?? I would NOT be doing all that. You’re right to be upset at him. I bet the guys he works with, have wives that don’t have jobs at all. So of course they can cater to their men.

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He’s not gonna comprehend any of what your dealing with, I’d tell him you had a work thing outta town, have a few things in a overnight bag & Friday when he comes in you go out, go stay with a family member or friend outta town, have some down time, recoup & regroup yourself, a burnt outta mom is no good to herself or her kids. You can communicate your feelings till your blue in the face but if the person your communicating with does comprehend what your saying then your just talking in circles, ppl really should listen with their hearts & not just their ears.

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Don’t let him treat you like this. Besides your regular job. You’re taking care of his kids too. 24/7. Men think they rule. Let him take your job for one day. See how far he gets.

Let me tell you this,… My husband is EXTREMELY lazy. When he use to work now retired. Mind you he had the easiest job. More fun and play. Than work. He never helped in any way. Well,… He’s now three years retired. Still does absolutely nothing. Except sit in his recliner and watch tv all day and night. I through the towel in a long time ago. Cause I know it’s his mother who made him that way. Waited on him hand and foot, and spoiled him rotten. He didn’t have to do anything growing up either. People wonder why I put up with this?,… I haven’t figured it out yet.

I wish you all the best.

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Host a BBQ for all the guys and their families from your husband’s work. Get all the appropriate information listed below. Then, go on strike. Don’t do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, anything. Just do your jobs and care for the kids until he gets home. If he asks why you haven’t done anything, (for the first few days make sure you are still on the computer working when he comes home and stay on there for extra time. Make it seem like your working) “I’m busy with my 2 jobs. Go away I need to concentrate.” After about a week when he’s finally concerned say “My 2 jobs require a lot of attention and I happen to have had no time to do anything but work and keep the kids alive this past week. You’re job is easy, all you do is play around in cars and twist some bolts and nuts and change someone’s oil. Your job is so easy you even had time to come up with a lie that ALL the other guys have wives who have time to get everything done before their husbands get home. Pretty sure (insert employee with no wife) has no wife. And (name a few wives that you know do work and don’t possibly have time to get everything done before blah blah o’clock). Plus the wives like (name one) that do have time, have only (use correct number of kids) and no job. I have 2 jobs and three kids. You have 1 job and seem to think you don’t need to keep children alive, just play with them when you want. The kids are not toys. Until you can really show appreciation for all that I do, I’m only working and keeping the kids alive until you get home.” And walk away. End of conversation. If he interrupts you at any point, you tell him you’re still talking. If he interrupts more than three times, walk away and give him the silent treatment. Men hate being ignored.

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:joy::joy::joy: he actually "believes " what his work buddies tell him. That’s cute. They’re LYING to him. And you need to believe that and dont let him mind twist you into thinking anything else.

The 2 red flags for me are the grill incident him blatantly reacting like that and not caring you got burned and the screaming at you.

The decision can only be made by you…but there’s a start as to what to think about :purple_heart:

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If u leave wont u being doing it all by ur self for real everything including all the bills which I assume u dont take care of all by ur self rt now…so really how would leaving help fix ur prob??? Talk to him communicate dont fight with him dont yell…speak with with a goal in mind listen with the intent to understand dont call names dont belittle and dont blame …when this happens I feel…I’m sure at some point u doing all the house work and all the kids stuff worked for ur family and now ots not which is ok but u cant just flip the script on ur hubs without explaining urself calm and collectively when u scream and yell no one is going to take u serious they think ur just upset for the moment and being emotional

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I use to be married to someone like that. From my experience, you’ll put up with it until something even more obscene happens and then you’ll just be done. Hugs!!!

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He’s a little boy. Go find you a man

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O wow he needs to help out. Maybe you should leave so he has to see how much u actually do around the house you’re clearly overwhelmed and he is verbally and emotionally abusive to you about it. Working eight hours a day outside of the house is so much easier than multiple in house jobs that r 24hrs a day 7days a week. I’m sorry Hun and hope everything gets better for you.

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Sometimes a good lesson is necessary to smarten them up so go ahead and leave and see how he likes being without you all. Come back on your terms and tell him let’s do this TOGETHER. A goodly man chips in and helps not brags how he’s kept and his wife does it all. Now go for it or you will burn yourself out and you won’t be any good to yourself or your kids.

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That’s bs do not let him do the whole guys at work bill shit or You straight up tell him he will be the only one at work with out a wife and I’m positive that’s bs :woman_facepalming:t3:

It sounds like your having to juggle too many balls. Is there anything you could set aside for a while to lift the load a little? Can you hire a little help? The grief of not being heard will wear you out more than your chores. He probably doesn’t feel heard either. So the thing to do is defuse the upset. Calm down and be nice to each other. You can’t be all things to him and he can’t be all things to you. The thing about being single is all the work, all the bills, all the child care, maintenance work around the house, repairs on the cars, $$$$'s, everything all falls on you. I think I’d let him do what he’s good for, let go of what I could let go of to take the pressure. However, if you truly feel he doesn’t care and never will again, then it could be goodbye time.

I swear, men will never get it through their heads that it is not an “easy” job just because you’re working at home and have the kids. I separated from my kids dad (for other reasons) and he finally realized with a toddler and a baby, that he could not keep the house cleaned.

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Girl run. I’m over the posts about how stretched thin women are with a whole ass man in their home. If y’all not helping each other than it’s pointless. He thinks he’s better than you and doesn’t respect you. It’s 2022 if your man ain’t helping you win at life that mf gotta go!!!

That’s how some guys think , i didn’t use the word " man" because he isn’t one , he’s a piece of shit

Oh sis. Leave him. You’re already a single mom if you’re the only one doing everything (working, house keeping and raise YOU kids) You’ll be happier less stressed and won’t have to raise a huge man child.

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Throw the whole man away.

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Unfortunately, he won’t change. He doesn’t respect you the kids or his home. Its time for him to leave or you and the kids leave. He can pay child support alimony. If you are treated less than a queen then he doesn’t deserve you.

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Tell your husband this isn’t the 20s… my husband leaves for work at 3am and still makes it a point to help me in anyway he can when he gets home whether it be housework or with our 3 kids one in which is an infant, and I rarely even ask… it’s suppose to be a partnership, you’re not there just to clean house and cook meals. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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First of all, you dont deserve to be talked to nor treated that way. Second, if he feels that he doesnt have to lift a finger because he works, than he can use them fingers to write a check for your services. You’re actually working 4 jobs. Taking care of children although joyful is a full time job. Making a house a home is a full time job. If he isnt going to contribute physically, than he needs to run that paper.

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I’m so sorry
My husband is the same way! He is also a diesel mechanic and works hard and I have an “easy” job! I get it it’s over whelming.

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So I’m sure he has always been like this and you had more children by him!!! First thing is please stop having children and focus on reality!!! If you are finding yourself mentally and physically drained when you know you have another grown adult that made a commitment to you and your family …… If he isn’t taking into consideration your feelings then please move on!! Obviously you are technically a single parent anyway besides the household bills are concerned. If you make enough money to provide for you and your children then move on with your life. It’s too short to be unhappy and there are a lot of single parents that are making it in life!! In the words of dr Phil… children would rather BE FROM A BROKEN HOME THEN TO LIVE IN ONE… so make the best decision for yourself first and them.

Best advice I can give it made my husband realize how much I do I just one day didn’t do it and when he said something about it I said well I just wanted to show u what this house truly looks like when I do nothing and for the last two years now he helps when he can I mean u won’t see him wash clothes or dishes but he will help me pick up around the house or we have family cleaning day every once in a while

It comes from cave-dom. Most don’t know how to put things away. They stuff it in a hidey hole and call it a day then when ALL the toe nail clippers are gone, or scissors, or spoons they can fall back and say it’s really us. Their dads did it and their dad’s dads did it too. They, mostly, just don’t learn that kind of stuff. There are some, but not this one

I’d just stop doing his dinner an laundry…lol. an just worry about you n the kids if he dont wanna help out…some men think the woman should do everything while they have no responsibilities at home…tell him he ain’t king n this is supposed to be a partnership…lol.

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I could see that if he had clean clothing, he would wash them. Maybe meals would not be on time or to his liking. If he has any complaints just say pitch in partner!

Tell him you need a teammate, not another child to coddle. If he still won’t help out, then know you’ll be just fine. He’ll have a rude awakening running his own household all by himself, while discovering the child support he’ll most likely have to pay. I’m sorry he’s too narrow minded to see or understand all this now, and how a little mutual appreciation would have gone a long way. :blue_heart:

Do what you can to leave and don’t come back. They always say they will change, most do not.

Chore list time!
(With stated consequences if not completed)

What the fuck does he think this is, the 1930’s? Wives don’t just take care of their husbands and be at their every beck and call, that’s not how life works anymore. Women are viewed as more now, which they most definitely are, and those standards of living need to be dropped. Everyone in a relationship should be equal. If she wasn’t working two jobs then maybe, MAYBE I’d say not have him do as much but he still should help no matter what. At least with the kids. Kids are more than just coming home to eat dinner with and put to bed and it sounds like that’s all he’s getting. Back to my point, the fact that you are working two jobs which probably add up to his “long, strenuous day of work” on top of the kids, cleaning, and making time for yourself ( which every person needs and deserves). It sounds like you married someone who’s stuck in a different time in life and wants you to have the entire house clean, kids all squeaky clean, and a meal ready for him to relax and enjoy. He definitely needs to get tf over himself and get his head out of the 90’s because that’s not how this is anymore. And if he can’t realize that and change then just leave and do better for yourself, you’ve already proven to yourself you can do it without him, yes it might be a struggle but it’s better than being with a man-child who drags his feet and can’t do simple chores. You deserve the world love, go find it❤️

8 hr shift for him? Oh how us moms would love to clock out after only a measly 8 hrs. Thats ridiculous

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that is sad he made those babies as well as you did. his job is not only outside of that house its also to help you with the house chores.

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Absolutely not!! Your obviously very independent… he should be helping regardless… marriage and parenthood is supposed a partnership. And you’re very overwhelmed. Im not gonna say leave him… cause that’s not the fix all…1st maybe get yourself a nanny… just a couple days a week…or daycare… even working at home you have to have some time and peace to yourself. Maybe even one who cleans also. Cause if he doesn’t “have time” to help… he has money to make sure you will have help!!! But sometimes they don’t change, they don’t help, and it gets worse… then we leave… because you can do this all on your own. Good luck.

I’m sorry to say that he will not change. You can either get rid of him or hire a cleaning lady. I am a teacher and single mom. I realized when the kuds were much younger that I needed help so I hired one. It was the best decision ever.