My husband works a lot and I feel like our relationship is lacking: Advice?

My husband is a workaholic. What can I do? My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. We have three kids ranging in age from 2 months old to 8 years old. He went to school for a long time to do his profession, but it is demanding. Lately it has really taken its toll on me more than normal. He is very stressed out and it’s nearly impossible to even have a conversation with him anymore. If I need to get ahold of him at work, he acts short with me and hangs up the phone on me if he even answers it. I feel so invisible. I get no attention from him because he has so much work he brings home. He does help some with the kids, but that is because he can give them an electronic or put them in front of the TV and do his work at the same time. And just for the record I know he is not cheating. Also, I have my own money from an inheritance so I could leave and be ok. I just feel so alone. I have tried talking to him many times, suggested counseling, gotten mad, been nice, and approached the subject gently. I just don’t know what to do. I need more communication and affection in a marriage. I feel so alone. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

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My husband (now retired) but works as a government contractor now was a cop and a soldier. It’s really hard to have a relationship across an ocean for 6-18 months knowing people want your husband dead.

Ask him to see a counselor with you.

It’s a hard deal sometimes. If he has to work that much, that’s one thing. If he chooses, that’s another.

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Sounds like you’ve tried everything and he’s not budging. You can try again or leave.

If you have asked him all of that and its not working…then move on…
You cannot force a relationship.

Sounds like it’s more him then you. He is stress with workn while you want that companionship. Need to figure out a balance that’s healthy for the both of you

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To be honest is he trying to match or make money to at least buy you things?You said you have your own money.Just a thought.No offense.

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He has to realize that he isn’t do his job as your husband and if he doesn’t then you should go…

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Is he choosing to take on more work, go in on days off when he doesn’t need to or is it just his job is demanding? If he is chosing this you really need to sit him down, tell him its a serious problem. If it is just his job is demanding talk to him, tell him you miss him and you can see he is stressed out. Suggedt a date night once every couple of weeks you dont need to go out but dinner just the two of you, no phones, no t.v. for a hour just talk and enjoy eachother. He probably sees he works hard now to provide a good life for your family and a good life when he retires just bare that in mine x

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Try talking to him again. Give him an ultimatum .

Just be more sexy who knows maybe that will work try to get he’s attention one way or another . So said nothing is working . Well try that .

its nt easy to say leave him remember u have kids wid da man…he mayb a workaholic but its for da betterment of his family. Todays world is tough especially for kids im sure he wants der future to b bright widowt any difficulties…all i can say is sit down over a nice dinner if even if u have to force him nd express ur views nd let him knw dat u also need him.

its nt easy to say leave him remember u have kids wid da man…he mayb a workaholic but its for da betterment of his family. Todays world is tough especially for kids im sure he wants der future to b bright widowt any difficulties…all i can say is sit down over a nice dinner if even if u have to force him nd express ur views nd let him knw dat u also need him.

Try and see about dates? Or counseling an talking about what’s really bothering him and y’all

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Talk to him. Ask him if you can support him in anyway to make his work easier. I don’t think separation is the answer here.
Put yourself in his shoes too, can you imagine being stressed about work and being stressed at home too?

Talk to him about the way he’s treating you, that you don’t appreciate it, ask him what you both can do to change this.

Try counseling just for yourself at first, then see if he will join you. Also, try cooking something special for the two of you, put the kids to bed early or send them to grandparents for the weekend.

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I would be checking up on him.

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You’ve covered all the bases, including financial stability, which typically keeps women in this type of situation. If your husband is indeed overwhelmed with work responsibilities, and he is NOT deliberately avoiding home life, start with a weekly date night. Agree to a night that makes sense for both of you. Have the baby sitter lined up every Friday night for example. There’s typically no work the next day. If he has to work over the weekend - suggest he does Sunday afternoon when the kids are napping. If he can’t agree to weekly dates, or cancels last minute, treat yourself to a free night from mothering. Couples therapy would be very helpful, but I suggest you start having individual sessions immediately. You will be shown your life. Best of luck. :pray::pray::pray:

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Only God can change him and only if he wants to change. Pray for God to change this heart and put his priorities in line of importance.

If you are continuing to express your needs and he is continuing to ignore them then you have to do something different.
Marriage takes work, from both partners, if one is not willing it will not work.
Apology without change is just gas lighting.
Try councling yourself.

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I pray you will find an answer other than a separation or worse. God Bless you both and your little family.

It sounds like you need some more sex honestly try looking up bad girls Bible I know you said he’s not cheating but maybe he needs more of a reason to spend time with you and men love sex get him thinking of you more often by making him really really happy

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Id be happy hes stepping up and working so hard to support your family. 💁 hard to find these days!

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Be glad he has a job…

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That’s tough because you can’t be upset that he works hard and supports his family right? Alot of us don’t have that. But I do understand the loneliness and not being able to communicate about it is bad. See if he’s willing to sit down and talk. Maybe he would commit to a date night once or twice a month. Maybe counseling so you feel like you can be heard?

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Sounds sus to me ,he’s bringing the work home that he don’t get done while spending time with someone else and brings it home to avoid time with you . Once you leave it will come out .

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Question I have?? What are you doing to make his day at end of day when he comes home. Are dressed well, presentable or look like you been home all day taking care of kids and are wore out too?? Is his meal cooked, clothes done, house straight kids occupied so he can rest in peace. Ect. Do you make him coffee in morning pack lunch. Send note in lunch box. Do you flirt text him throughout day. Just a few questions.

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Just lay it down flat…Look, we g2talk n if we really don’t have a serious heart to heart, then I will be leaving for a bit…just to get space. Sometimes, u dont realize what u got til it’s gone. It’s easier said than done…I know, but something gotta change. Wish u nothing but the best of luck n love

Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. There is no 50/50 it is 100/100 or it doesnt work.

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Be grateful you have a good man who works for a living and is home with his family every night. My lowlife of a “dad” left my mom when I was 2 weeks old along with 5 siblings all under 8 years old. Hes never worked never provided for any of us. We grew up on food banks and charity clothes and in council housing. People have it ALOT worse than you.

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Really complaining that your husband provides well. :thinking: Many females dream of such issues.

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Do you help pay for things?
If you’re a SAHM then maybe get a part time job and help pay for things?
Ask him to work less and spend more time with you.
My partner and I have 2 children and we both have jobs but we don’t do overtime as we like to spend our free time as a family/just the two of us.

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I have been married 32 years. I understand how you feel. I also know how he feels. (I am now retired but worked hard and long, when I working.) I had 3 kids each one year apart and fostered both children and dogs. There are times in every marriage where you have to put yourself last to help your partner get through a hard time. Don’t allow another person control your happiness! You have kids and money. Go out and enjoy them them both. Go to the park, a movie, the beach. Hang out with your girlfriends and their kids. When your husband sees that you are enjoying life, he’s going to want to be a part. I wouldn’t break up my home and make my kids have to do the weekend swap just because my husband is so busy providing that he’s not forget what fun life can be. Truly, your gonna do what your gonna do and all this advice stuff isn’t going to change your mind. I just hope you will take a minute, see what you have; then, just enjoy yourself and your kids. You feel alone. If you leave, you will be alone. I wish you the best. Just remember happiness is your responsibility!

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My hubby works 4 hours away and home on weekends. He brings his work home and his job has to be able to contact him 24/7. We have 2 grandchildren that we have custody of. We get out for dinner as a family and alone with each other every month. I get out with my friends when he is home too.

Life is so short . My husband was also a work aholic. He died at 40 from a major heart attack. ] think he would have changed his work if he knew it was gonna kill him. …
Good luck .

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Find so ethi g of your own. continue with the kids and take time for your self. If he can’t or won’t make time for you .then you do you and the kids when he sees this he might wake up still try the counseling g on your own.

OMG girl I feel sorry for you but it came when I did I totally ignored him I Norred him every step of the way I would leave the house without kids I just go to the store and he didn’t know that I’m just kind of got his attention you need to put your make up on and look nice give them something to think about

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All the comments are an interesting read, particularly given that they are all (as far as I could see) made by women. A shame men haven’t chimed in here; there’s no substitute for the perspective of men on this topic! *Men are equally clueless about you ladies!

I think you should get a job aswel for half-day if need be,or join a group of gym classes or find a hobby and have a routine of every day,put the kids in daycare and enjoy yourself… evening comes you will be too tired just go to sleep without any attention seeking and guess who will be bothered :joy::joy:? Your loving husband

I say be supportive if you know he isn’t cheating. Don’t call at work just text him “hey thinking of you call me when you have a chance.” My husband has one of those jobs we have had days where he came home ate and goes straight to sleep. When he gets to where he wants to be things will change be your loving self and he’ll come to you. The more you argue with him the more he’ll push you away just let things be. Find something you love and do it where it doesn’t affect kids.

Alright. My husband is a workaholic, and before that he was a workaholic and an elite marathon runner. He had very little time for me after my first and I handed him his ass. This time around, he’s much more aware, but he’s still a workaholic. He also would rather stick the kids in front of the tv and work than play with them for long periods of time, but I’m grateful he’s home. Plus he tries very hard to be invested and involved, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. These are only some of the compromises we make. Do your work, but be home and let me do what I need to do, even if that means carrying the baby while on a business call. Or when he has a short visit with a client, perhaps it means taking a kid with him. I compromise by not pitching a 3 day fit when he has to leave early or stay late (it’s down to only 2 or 3 hours of rage now). He gave up running (I never asked him to), but he mostly did that to focus on work, really. Regardless, it means he’s around more, so I can’t really complain that he’s let himself go and sometimes that means he doesn’t have the energy for us (I mean… sometimes complain, lol, I still have work to do, obviously). We find ways to meet in the middle - is my point. If he can’t or won’t meet you in the middle… :thinking:
He may only value himself for his work performance and not for his personal relationships. Perhaps explain that he needs to find value in other things? Bottom line, though, unless he got a new job in the last several months, you knew this when you had those children. You’re not a new mom this time. So something else has changed. Did he also want this new baby? Did you discuss him being there for you more before the baby came around? If not, why? Did you not have as much trouble with the previous kids? Did you feel better about yourself then? Did you not feel this distance even though he has always thrown himself into his work?

  1. I’d look into postpartum depression. It can make you feel like you’re alone and unloved with every bone in your body, even if nothing has changed.
  2. If it has changed, what has changed? Because unless he got a new job in the last 3 or 4 months (perhaps he needs to change back to his old job), the answer could be you, even if you’re certain it’s not.
    Maybe seek counseling on your own. He doesn’t have to go for you to sort out relationship problems and come up with a list of possible solutions. Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself. Maybe you’ll just learn new coping techniques. Maybe you’ll learn a new approach to get what you need from him. But I’d give it a good 6 to 12 months before you decide it is definitely him and divest from your marriage.

Try therapy for both of U. U have been married 20 yrs. Get help for ur family

Writing a letter to him may be better than trying to talk to him. He probably feels the same way you are and feels guilty too because he doesn’t know what to do about it. Maybe plan a weekend away, not too far or too fancy, just the two of you. When the kids are little and work is overwhelming, that’s the hardest time for a marriage, so you have to remember to take time for the two people that fell in love and created your beautiful family!

You have your own money I know he works hard so hire a babysitter for the weekend and tell your husband that you are taking somewhere but yourself a sexy nightgown plan a romantic night out with him and rekindle your romantic feeling and just appreciate each other

He is taking care of his family
.that is love.count you lucky.

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Book a his and her spa day with overnight stay. He may need to unwind enough to open up.

1st off I’m so sorry you’re feeling loney and neglected! I would definitely reccomend one night or afternoon a week for just y’all. You should never quit dating eachother even after marriage. I am personally not a believer of divorce so I would just try my hardest to to see the light in his hard work. But hard work is no excuse for neglecting your partner’s wants and needs 100% of the time. He can and needs to make the time and I hope he does.

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I am married have been for 18 years, our kids are now 17,15,14. He was military and worked all but 4 hrs out of the day 7 days a week at our last base. I just tried to support him and let him know that me and our kids at the time were 5,6,8 were there for him when he could make some time and we loved him no matter what. Also we told him that we were proud of him and loved him so much for working so hard to keep us safe and to provide for us. He eventually came around just love him let him know how much you are thankful for his hard work and that you will always be waiting for him. They really do come around.

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My husband recently approached me about this same thing. I work… Alot. He feels as if he doesn’t get enough time with me. Our solution was to make one weekend a month for a date night. Set aside time for us. It’s hard. Especially when we don’t see what we are doing. I also gave him 2 days a week he could ask me to come home earlier than I normally would. I hope these suggestions help

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maybe a few days away with him, no kids

Or surprise him at work

Watch the movie fireproof and do the love dare

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Time is tight and I’m sure he is feeling alot of pressure from a demanding job,kids demand attention and ur demanding attention he may feel overwhelmed and exhausted mentally and physically. Be his safe place to relax,don’t demand conversations when he gets home instead try hugging him and thanking him for his great time sacrifices he makes for your family.Make sure you make him feel appreciated and in return he may on his own realize he is lacking in returning the affection. I know it seems unfair to give something to your spouse that you feel your not getting back in return.It is this kind of stress on relationships that start harboring resentment and feeling unappreciated. Don’t nag him about what he isn’t doing,and praise him for his hard work and let him know you miss him and love him. Hope this helps honey.

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All the above have great come backs please do one of them sounds like he cannot escape the fish bowl pull him out he will Thankyou

You have to communicate your feelings to him. Try and plan a quiet evening without your kids to talk. Express to him that you have concerns and that he needs to make the time to sit and talk with you. If he can’t “find the time”, then you may have bigger problems.

It will work out… it’s just around Christmas, his boss might just be pushing him harder to take the next step up in the company, :disappointed: maybe he’s not feeling well…it’s hard as a mother but trust in him :heart: you been together too long just to throw it to the wolves… give it a little time it will all work out. Love is what matters

I’ve been married 28 years and our 3 boys are now in their early 20s. We lost our only daughter in the first year of marriage. Had the eldest boy the 2nd year of marriage, the 2nd son just after the 3rd year started, and the youngest son 2 days after our 5th wedding anniversary. My husband was a truck driver at the time and would be gone days at a time. We had a pager to communicate at first to use a pay phone when he could get to one. Cell phones would go through “dead zones” where he would loose a signal for miles, sometimes hours. So I can relate to the calling while he’s at work thing in a slightly different way. Some jobs will fire you for personal calls on company time. Unless It’s a serious emergency, try not to do that, maybe see if you can leave a message and have him call on a lunch break or something, give him the heads up that a conversation needs to be had soon after he returns home from work.
When it comes to you feeling lonely, needing affection and communication, you have to be direct with him in your request. Tell him what you need, and as difficult as it might be for you, tell him how you need what you need. Some of the suggestions posted are wonderful! Very good advice. Others aren’t so great. The important thing to remember is that this too soon shall pass, whether it is the work load, the kids needs, the seasons of neglect or feeling invisible. These moments don’t last forever. They may last longer than you hope they would, but It’s only there to test your commitment and perseverance. The great thing is, if you push through this, there is another side that will make you feel closer and stronger than you do now. It’s worth it to be what he needs, and be patient until he can give you what you need. The more direct you can be (not demanding or condescending) with what you need, the easier it will be for him to provide you with what you need. Be respectful, but be honest about how you feel, and what you think he could do to help you feel better. Also inquiring about what you can do to help him can help you feel not only needed, but valuable and attractive to him. His worst nightmare short of dying, is to fail to provide financially for his family. Camp out in the backyard or living room with the kids, specifically for the purpose of lowering the electricity bill. Rub his shoulders while he is doing his “homework” and then let him know you’re going to get ready for bed. Hearing the shower should get his mind distracted in your direction. If you’re not having sex, It’s an indication that he’s hyper stressed. It could lead to health issues if he isn’t able to relieve the internal pressure he’s experiencing. You are his. He is yours. Come at it from that perspective. Be what he needs from you. Rub his feet, or at least take his shoes off. Ask him for a hug, “can I get a hug? Then I will let you get back to work. I just need to feel your touch and say hi. Maybe you could benefit from a stretch too? Won’t take but a minute.” As you hug, maybe squeeze his butt, or tell him how nice he smells, or how he makes you feel to experience his touch. These little things amount to alot over time. I do hope you stick it out, and that your family grows beautifully together. Growth is painful but It’s totally worth it. If my daughter taught me anything, It’s that tomorrow is promised to no one, and to love with all you have every chance you can. It could always be worse than we imagine. Good luck & God bless.

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Get him to go to dr my husband was the same way we have been married 34 ys but they out him on what i call his happy pills but its like im living with a new husband he is no longer stressed out i ask the dr why wasnt the pills around yrs ago he is so loving caring sweetie pie ever and also get someone to watch the kids for a couple of hours and carry him a home cooked meal to work and yall have a date at his work and when he comes home have the kids ready for bed bathed ,feed,in there beds and then hang some christmas lights up or light candles and make a pallet on floor or pull a mattress in the living room if you drink poor a glass of wine pick up some strawbeeries and dip them in white chocolate and yall watch a movie while cuddling and talking explain to him that if he dosent put in the work for your marriage yall arent gonna have one make a pie chart showing him how much work and to sleep then time with you and then the time he has with the kids tell him he is not to bring work home with him that is your time

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I’m coming from a place of love and I dont want to sound harsh so please don’t take it that way…marriage vows state "for better or for worse ". This is the for worse part. It sounds like your husband is really stressed out right now. It’s hard to make time for each other and connect when life gets in the way (demanding jobs, young kids…) once this phase of your life smoothes over, and it probably will, things should go back to how they used to be. Marriage isn’t always fun. Sometimes it’s hard as hell. IMO, you gotta ride it out. He needs to lean on you, meaning you gotta take care of shit while hes thrown himself into his career. Good luck!

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When he comes to bed, be naked and cuddle, while talking sexy to him and try to jump his bones. If he doesn’t want to have sex, then you may have a problem bcuz most men won’t turn that down. JS

At one time my husband was,working 3 jobs. He,Didn’t like it either but we were,saving to buy a house. It all came together later on. Don’t get mad. You know he loves you. He is,working for his family.

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We women more often than not try to fix things we see broken,Not so with men , basically they don’t know where to start or how to effectively communicate their feelings without feeling weak. They see their roles as protector, provider,etc.and find it hard to appear anything contrary to that. If he was one way early on in ur marriage then drastic changes happen then you may have a serious problem within ur marriage. But if he has always been driven,disciplined and a go getter which sounds like his career commands of him then maybe it’s just about finding a healthier work/life balance. Its really hard to give advice without knowing you or your spouse but hopefully some of these suggestions and insightful comments help you navigate through your situation. We all need advice from time to time but ultimately you know him better than anyone and I always say when in doubt trust your gut. I used to try to fix my marriage through pushing and nagging and being passive aggressive towards my husband because I was so frustrated with his behavior just to realize it wasn’t helping us at all. I had to step back and regroup and come at it with a "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar " attitude. Once I changed my tactics he received it better and in turn reciprocated it back.

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Ask him if u can do anything to help . he will probably say no but he will see that u know he is overworked . some people are just that way when they are stressed . Especially if he competes with himself.

I would go to his boss so that his boss would be aware of the plans u have in mind so that he can’t use the I have 2 work excuse. And if he did say he had to work, I’d be like, well, if u don’t want 2 b my husband, then we will divorce. To me, not caring about your need for him is the same (actually worse 2 me) than cheating. I need 1 thing from my man, his time. And if he can’t carve out time 4 me, then he clearly don’t have me as a priority.

And, how do u know he isn’t cheating? You got secret cameras at his job that u watch him on?

You know this before you married him deal with it

Your children is still small, send him an email, or something like WhatsApp that he has to read incase its work related,if that does not work,I see no solution,sorry

If he’s that stressed from a demanding job you need to put ur foot down and tell him It’s time to find a less stressful job as no amount of money can replace family

How much real time you want? My busband was a long hauler and Id go to back room where he did paperwork with dish to dry in hand when he grunt, Id say I need half hour or hour let me know when best for you before my bedtime(10pm) hed clear time come have coffee or tea and we heard each other. Give it a try if you think it might fit you it did us til he got job at Mi Carb

He won’t give you two evenings, dates a month? for starters?
Maybe he needs to hire some help, lots of competent folks seeking part-time work?
Can you hire someone to watch your children 8-12 hours weekly and assist him with his work load?
I’d be hard-pressed to leave my childrens father for your reasons, but that’s me.