My husbands ex makes it hard for me to feel part of his family: Advice?

Keep going and trying;
Usually takes 5 years to build a family. You are doing a good job.

I’m in the exact situation. I just don’t go to any of his family functions. I don’t say anything because its a fact that it will affect the relationship with his daughter with the ex. Im good all the way around. I don’t want to be around people who don’t respect me or think that that behavior is ok. He can continue to have his relationship with all of them and I sit back and mind my business. Im much happier now that I’ve stopped letting it bother me.

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They feel loyalty to her. Just ignore it best u can.

You shouldn’t have to force anyone to be apart of you and your children’s life. If it feels that way, like you’re not included and pushed behind, then do the same to them. My daughter has grandparents and other family that she doesn’t know. Why? Cus they chose to step out. If thats what they end up doing then its their loss, not yours. They don’t have to like you, and you dont have to like them BUT I would be civil when need be… not for you but for your husband. He shouldn’t have to chose between you and his family. Now if he was pushing you behind, when he was around his ex wife… then that would be a different story.

I handle it by excusing myself and my children from toxic situations. And this situation is toxic. The ex being close to the family isn’t an issue as long as everyone is getting along and y’all clearly aren’t getting along. His family is telling you and showing you how they truly feel about you so you need to listen. If he’s not sticking up for you then he’s also showing you how much you mean to him and you need to listen. I couldn’t imagine my hushand not sticking up for me. He’d cut anyone off if they aren’t treating me the way I deserve to be treated. That’s what a husband’s supposed to do but your husband isn’t doing that. So you need to decide what is acceptable to you and your kids and either walk away or stand up for yourself.


Leave or just take it quietly

I’m in your boat 100% my husband has spoken to his parents so they cut him off Too and keep her around. They also ignore one of his kids because he chose to live w us instead of his egg donor… My kids are non existant and so am I.

So I was in the same situation as your husband is in.
One big thing in all of this is his custody agreement. Does he have equal time with them? If so, then all of the excuses about not seeing the kids is bogus.
Couple of things that need to happen:

  1. You need to realize that she is allowed to have a relationship with his family that doesn’t include you, him or your kids. Not every function has to include all the kids, and it isn’t a competition. Once you stop trying to compete and just be yourself, things have a better chance of falling into place.
  2. He needs to sack up and say something. I had to with my family and while it ruffled some feathers in the short term, long term it made things infinitely better. He needs to make it clear that you are the wife, and their daughter in law, and they need to treat you as family.
  3. This may sound cruel, but marrying someone doesn’t automatically acquired grandparents for the kids involved. That takes work and time and effort and a willingness on his parents to accept more grandkids. In addition, nothing in this story says how stable your relationship is. Maybe they are protecting themselves because they think it may fall apart?

In all of this you sound like you feel entitled to a relationship with his family. Like you are doing all these things not as a loving and supportive partner, but because you think that by doing them it earns you something… That’s the wrong mentality.

I would quit going to his family if I were you. There is no reason exe’s can’t get along. My husband has a few ex wives. I know, we all make fun of his. Lol. His first ex wife is fine. We get along well and no treats me like an outsider. He has a second one that I’ve never met. She kept his kids from him until his older son’s found them at a party years later. Have no desire to ever socialize with her. His third, she’s bitter and very jealous. She never comes around us or his family. If I wasn’t welcome, or made to feel welcome I wouldn’t go around them. You and your husband have to navigate how that affects your marriage.

It sounds like the relationship in Focus should be your marriage. A lot of times, in blended families, there is no such thing as everyone getting along. And that’s okay!

Your husband does have a child, but he also has a wife. I am sure he is able to respect his child and give you your place as well.

It is obvious the Ex has built a relationship with her Ex’s Family- which is also fine, for the sake of the child. But the family needs to recognize you as their Son’s wife- and pay the respect you have earned- having a talk with them- that your husband initiates is not a bad idea. But after talking- if nothing changes- then that’s a relationship you don’t want to have anyway!!

If your marriage is doing well- focus on your children and your marriage. Everything else is secondary! Best of Luck!

Is the ex remarried? Do you have kids together with your husband or are they just blended? I have 5 kids. 3 with my husband and 2 with my previous relationships. I lucked out that the older two’s dads are not in the picture at all (so no drama there- one is deceased and the other lives in Mexico and haven’t heard from him in YEARS) but my husband’s family still treats me like an outsider basically even tho we’ve been together almost 10 years! They talk behind my back, tell me I’m too old (we have a 9 year age gap) and treat our kids like they don’t exist. My MIL doesn’t come visit hardly ever, maybe once a year. When she does, she screams at the kids and tells them they are bad usually or starts drama. So I get what you’re going thru!! I’ve tried everything to treat them like they’re my own family, but his brothers and mom just will prob never truly accept us. His sister is slightly better since she has 3 kids herself close in age to mine but it took forever to get to where we are today and it’s still a work in progress. And my husband and no other kids himself, but it’s like the reverse situation with me. His mom is still friends will a lot of my husbands exes and will very occasionally talk to them. She always acts nicer to other girls her sons age than me and talks about her son as if he’s still single! She calls me his “woman” or baby mama :roll_eyes: instead of his wife and was even late to our wedding! At this point I’ve basically stopped caring about them. My advice, do what’s best for YOU and your kids first. His kids may come first for him, but your kids come first for you. So if need be, he may have to go to family events where his ex is present by himself with his kid. If it were me tho, that ex shouldn’t be spending time with the family anymore. They aren’t together. Yes she’s still his kids mom and it’s fine to spend time together but you are the wife and come before her now. If your husband isn’t listening to your needs or making you a priority it’s time for a talk. If he refuses maybe you should reevaluate the marriage or be resolved to just deal with it. In the end your happiness matters too! Marriage is a two way street, not a one way. Don’t stay in an unhappy relationship. You could try and talk to everyone and set some ground rules for get togethers and explain what bothers you. If it doesn’t work at least you tried.

So my boyfriend (of 9 yrs) and our son dont speak to his family. They hate me and I hate them. I tried for YEARS AND LET SO MUCH GO but it was always then putting his sibilings childern before us and our childern. Including vacations with out or even w!watching our child or coming to see our child. So we didnt takk to them for almost a yr, they made their bed and laid in it. Now he will speak to his mom n dad n very occasionally go over like once every 2 months but they do not talk to me or our child. I refuse to let shit ago after litterally fist fights from his sister in law and brother who lost their childern to drugs. His family is a fucking mess and I do not want menchild around ANY of it. The point is- my boyfriend picked us. He told his family it was over if there was any more drama and he ment it. I did not force him to do this either. He saw what was happening and finally after 7 yrs stood up for me. So if your husband want you he will stick up for you.

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Im sorry I feel there is definitely more to this story . And if he is worried that if he will not be able to see his child if his family tells her then maybe he should get some custody in order from a judge . But as far as his family then just stay home let her parade around them once she gets a new man of her own that shit will stop trust

Your husband needs to tell his parents that you two will not be attending any function where the ex is invited. Plain and simple.

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I’ve accepted in my mid forties anyone I date either my family won’t accept or their families (including ex spouses) won’t accept. It’s just part of life when you date someone whose been in a long term relationship or marriage ending in divorce. Don’t expect much from these people and you won’t be disappointed. Just focus on your immediate family. Keep that focus and you’ll feel better. If the others are being stubborn and cold that’s on them. They’ll soon regret it because they’ll be watching how good you are to people who accept you and change their minds

My sister has been in this same situation for years. It will not get any better. Shame on his family and him for allowing this to happen. Do yourself a big favor and get out now! If not then speak up for yourself and your kids because your husband sure isn’t speaking up for you! If his family still acts this way, stop going.

What will speaking to them about it do? If they are not interested in you or your children they are not interested. You’re an adult, if you dont feel welcomed and are not enjoying yourself, dont go. You can ask the children if they want to attend solo or if there is other activities or places they would like to attend that you can take them and have an enjoyable time with them yourself and build memories that are more positive then what you’ve been experiencing.

Stand up for your kids and yourself if your partner won’t I agree the child needs to see his dads family but she doesn’t she’s an ex for a reason protect your children and yourself make your own plans don’t go near your partners family when they have functions if he goes then that alone speaks volumes

Live your life, put any involvement with them WAY down your family’s priority list…

  1. Do not teach your children they are less than…ANYONE.
  2. Teach your children to value themselves and know their worth.
  3. It’s your husband’s job to “deal” with and/or explain to HIS (jerk) family that due to their behavior they are no longer a priority. (When/if they ask…just stop going!!)
  4. Do not try to understand WHY things are they way they are…it just is.
  5. Some people are just asshat’s…the sooner you learn to actively ignore them the better!

Stop chasing after people who don’t want to get to know you. You don’t need to please everyone. Make a life with your husband and both your children and his. It is a waste of time and energy to concern yourself with those who are clearly not welcoming you into their lives. Move forward and stop trying to fix something you had nothing to do with in the first place. Let it go and believe you are good enough and don’t need their permission to enjoy your life.

“red-headed stepchild”??? What?? Are you seriously using this as a derogatory term?? :angry: