I really need advice and I’m very sensitive right now. My kids are 16&17 yesterday I messaged them asking when they were coming back from there dad’s ( we had a nasty divorce 6 yes ago) got an idk from them both. Called my daughter just to get told that she is upset because we have been having to eat cheaper, I growl at her because she wants more than I can give,and I make argument last longer than they should. My son said I’m a slave driver, the house brings back bad memories and is depressed and bored mora’s code upset he is bothered with chores and no internet to game. I expressed that I took a lower paying job to move closer and am on a tight budget, but I have tried to please them for years. The father has twisted my words and has taken the kids from me. Legally he can’t but the kids are old enough to decide. I’m feeling really hurt. And confused. My world has been broken
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My kids told me they don't want to come home: Advice?
I don’t have any advice, but you are in my thoughts. Sending hugs your way!
Let them, the other side isn’t always greener and they’ll find out for themselves. Reassure them you live them no matter what and take the time to work on yourself, I have a feeling you probably have neglected yourself for quite sometime. Prayers for you.
They are old enough let them decide where they want to stay.
Kids tend to prefer the Disneyland Dad, especially teenagers. The grass always looks greener for them but once their dad starts treating them like a nuisance, they will eventually come around. It isn’t an instant process but adult children of divorced parents have a way of seeing which adults prioritized them and which ones didn’t.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. The kids are just teenagers though and they don’t fully understand, they just want to be where they have more material things available to them. Prayers to you.
Im sorry I feel that your kids eventually will see the bigger picture its not just materialistic things they need.
As much as it might hurt their at the age where you should just let them choose where they want to live if they don’t want to live with you like that then maybe get a smaller place and start pampering yourself and when their ready they will reach out to you.
Let them test the waters there. Forcing them back might cause more issues. Maybe dad has more perks due to employment. Take the time, if you decide, to go back to school for something and elevate yourself. They might want to try dads and visit with you for a year. It was an option for my kids who were much younger, but they chose to be with me because I spend more time with them. I’d let them try it for this school year. You got 16 and 17 years with them for the most part. They can miss him too. You didn’t say he is a bad dad so why not let him try on those shoes for a bit. It will hurt but it’s worth a shot for them to be happy
Big hugs to you mama. Teenage years can be so hard. I’ve been the parent that had less than the other. Less money, less time, less help - because I was a single mom keeping everyone afloat. But I always loved them louder. I was always there. I was the security and they knew and felt it. I think right now they’re teens and they want the “fun” parent. You aren’t a bad mom. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Things have a way of working out in the end.
Give them time and space , they will miss mama
Let them be. It’s hard I know, but take this time to focus on you and maybe put away some of the extra money you save from them being at dads house for while and use it to get back on your feet how you feel you should be. Don’t be discouraged or feel like you failed in anyway. It’s really hard raising kids, let alone 2 teens. Hugs
Let them go where they want. And get a life im sorry i dont want to be rude but you are still young dont let them bring u down let them choose
To be honest if they think the grass is greener om the other side let them find outon there own. If they don’t like what u give or feed them tell them to get a job and help out they are old enough to help. However I know your pain my ex turned my 2 oldest against me. I still I have the one boy but my oldest is so bad he is never welcome back in my home long story but he always tries to hurt me physically,mentally and emotionally. My ex husband is a narcissist and unfortunately so is my son the jury still out on my youngest.
Let them stay with him. Get yourself a one bedroom and do what’s best for you. He’s use to being the perfect weekend dad and when he goes full time things will change he’ll be forced to have to discipline too. Only bad part is you may get stuck paying support and if things are tough already … get a room mate! Live your life. They’re almost adults anyway.
It’s about them. Don’t force them to come back if they don’t want to. That will only make them resent you more.
Dad’s are as equal as mom’s, if he provides to their needs, let them go…
I’m sorry this is happening to you but it has happened to me and because I refused to let her go she falsely accused my husband of something and ended up having all kids removed from my care for 2 years so it might be best to allow it
They get to choose and there is really nothing you can do. I don’t have advice, but I can validate your feelings. You are not wrong, you are doing your best and someday they will see that. Teenagers can be a little selfish, they can’t help it, they don’t have the world experience and perspective yet. But their lives are just beginning and this won’t always be your relationship with them. Tell them your feelings are hurt and you want them to come home… that you’re trying your best and leave it at that. It will hurt now, but oir relationships with our kids is always evolving
My brother moved in with my dad around his sophomore year….it lasted a week.
Let them learn the hard way
I’m so sorry mama prayers for you and you babies
It’s sad but they we’ll see everything you’ve done and more when it’s their adults
Kids now and days are so ungrateful for everything a parent does especially a single parent
They don’t see, care or understand all the sacrifices we make
But I pray god gives u an answer and I pray your babies find their way back to you and understand
Just tell them to go for it. I tried so hard to be the amazing mom after my divorce and we were super poor. Beans and Corn bread and rice and ham kinda poor. Food box poor. The dad offered to buy them cars and pay for school and huge bedrooms. They all begged to live with him at one time or another. 2 of them moved in with him and both only lasted for a few weeks and came home to me.
So sorry. Let them go. Dad is not always going to be like he is now. Specially if he has to put out time and money. Tell them that they are welcome back if they want to come back. Tell them to keep in touch with you.
For the ones saying “the grass isn’t greener on the other side” we’re talking about kids living with their other parent nothing something else. One parent is not superior over the other. They are old enough to choose and see between different households and even though it might hurt they obviously prefer dads over yours and that doesn’t mean that yours is bad, and it also doesn’t mean dads is carefree and can’t handle the same responsibilities as mom.
Let them stay a month longer they will want to come home
If they move out you can save the money for when they come back , hopefully. Sorry this is happening.
I’m so sorry for your situation! I’ve been in a similar situation after my divorce and I just want you to know, I know it’s not easy being away from your kids and it feels they’re turning against you, but hang in there and keep your head up! Keep pushing! They will eventually come around
I would be thankful for the break lol
Let them cool down. Allow them time to vent and be understanding about it. Tell them you’re sorry they feel that way. Give them a little more time to miss you. If their dad is planting seeds in their heads by chance, they’ll eventually become defensive of you and as long as you don’t get upset over their feelings, I’m sure they’ll miss home
let em go if they think it’s better . they will soon realise how you have done everything for them
The term is parental alienation, when the non custodial bribes children with devices and slack parenting while using a narrative of condemnation toward your parenting, its grounds to re-open custodial/visitation arrangements in many states, at their age though they have a say and may opt for the better benefit package
Sorry but they sound ungrateful…let them be for now and they’ll see for themselves, they’ll be back in time. Kids will never understand the sacrifices we have to make for them until they’re older but you just keep on keeping on
Kids these days think life owes them. Let them think the grass is greener on the other side, I am sure daddy isn’t going to provide for them when they are adults and sitting around playing video games and slacking off around the house.
You’re not even trying to see where they’re coming from, You’re just looking for someone to blame (the ex). The facts are they remember what life is like with you and they don’t like it. Maybe actually look where you’ve gone wrong and go from there. As the daughter of toxic parents, good luck. With this attitude they’ll never talk to you after 18. You absolutely refuse to look inside yourself and see what you’ve done wrong. Smh
they will realise the grass isn’t always greener on the other side; it’s green where you water it .
They sound like spoilt brats.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong. They will come crawling back
Do not be so hard to yourself, most teenagers act like that, they will not understand your situation and how hard you are trying, let them stay with their father and take this time for yourself, you can rest , you can use the little money you will be saving to make your place a little bit more comfortable for them or even save it , go out with your friends, join a gym etc . Just ask them to go out to eat once in a while and keep in touch.
Do not try to force them or argue about it with them because you will not get anything but upset them, just take it easy and do not ask them again to move with you ,they will be back to you faster if you pretend that you do not care
Is there a court order in place?
Right now the kids are playing both ends, to see who can give me more of what I want…
In time they will see, and so will he, things for what they really are. That vacation feeling will end, and true colors will be seen by all of them.
Even if they do stay for a while, or the rest of the next year or two until they’re 18, you will still have visits/a relationship with your children.
So basically they want to be super spoiled and want the world to hand them things…. Boy are they in for a surprise in the adult world. I’m sorry this is sad. The father should be on the same page.
I was in a similar situation 4 years ago I had a nasty divorce my daughter was around 10/11 years in Mexico and I moved back tu the u.s.a she’s a us citizens too but not her dad long story short her dad brain washed her and she ended up staying with her dad now 4 years later she’s a pre teen and dad can’t handle her now he wants me to take her back lol I told him it’s his fault but still see her every other weekend
Ive been here myself. My best advice is to give them space and they’ll come back. Just make sure you communicate daily and remind them how much you love them and how everything you do is for them. Don’t give up momma. Sending you hugs.
At that age I was living out of home… They’re plenty of enough to decide where they live
No one will ever hurt you like your own children can.
Just let them try living with Dad and let him
Pick up the extra expenses for a while.
Be sure to keep in regular contact though.
Eat cheaper??? Are they getting enough to eat??? They may just b talking about snacks. Also they are both old enough to have summer jobs!!! They should b working atleast pt and they’d have spending $$.
As hard as it is let them decide because the longer they’re there they’ll see the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Don’t try to force them to come home cause if you do it’ll backfire and the home will be full of tension.
From what you stated is going on at yours, cheaper/less food, no internet, etc., I wouldn’t want to be there as an older teen, either. I wouldn’t even want to live like that as an adult and I’m legally poverty level. Use this time to possibly find a better job and/or get on your feet /sort things out with your situation. Look into the government program that provides internet cheap. My son likes to stay at his dad’s a lot because he gets more fast food and has faster internet.
Ummm, they are 16 and 17. Practically adults. They can make up their minds where they want to live.
Let them stay with dad. He can feed them and clean up after them and deal with their teenage attitudes lol.
Let them know that you miss them, and they are always welcome back. Keep in touch. Text, call, FaceTime and hopefully they will stay here and there but at that age you gotta let em go where they want to.
I came here to say… this happened with my step son. He doesn’t have as strict of a house with his mom and he decided to never come back… about a year ago. He just turned 15… he suddenly hates us, he’s seen his siblings 3 times in a year. It sucks , hurts, and all of the things… unfortunately you and I both know that unfortunately now they are old enough to choose. Stay in contact, know they can always be with you and that you love them. It’s the best advice I can give from being in your shoes. Good luck momma.
Be patient. They’ll figure it out. Truth always comes out.
The only thing you can do is let them stay with him, seriously don’t fight them… it will also make your life a little easier! Seriously let dad stress out about it for now you deserve a little break, they are at the age of u push back you might lose them. They will end up seeing the truths.
There’s always another side to a story. If your kids think it’s bad enough they don’t wanna live with you then maybe you should do some self reflection
Sounds like their father is trying to buy their love
And putting ideas in their heads about how better off they would be
Living with him not you
He is probably filling their heads with garbage
Here to send you positive vibes
Keep in mind their hormones are crazyyyy & transitional at that age. They want to be an adult so bad, they’re practically there in age… but have no idea what that ACTUALLY entails. Deep breaths. Stay positive with them & keep doing your best. They’ll realize sooner or later how hard they’re making it on you.
Children dont need to go through this. They should be shared equally by both Parents. Not feed bullshit by one
She said she was upset and you growled at her and then argued. It shouldn’t have been that way with effective communication so it sounds like there’s a lot more going on. Family counseling could help all of this. I highly suggest looking for one within your budget or asking the courts if they’ll issue it.
Let them stay at Dad’s. Get caught up financially. Forcing anything and arguing won’t help. Let people go. If they come back, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.
Let them know if they want to come back home, they are welcome. Also, let them know if they don’t want to come back home, it’s okay, too.
They’ll be out on their own in a couple of years. No better time than the present to start letting them make their own decisions, and allow them to find out what the benefits and consequences of their decisions might be.
Meanwhile, you need to be preparing for your life without kids at home. Develop your social life. Start doing things that you would like to do, that you haven’t been able to do because of the kids. Get into some hobbies … sports, or arts & crafts, or join a league of some kind (softball, bowling, etc).
Life has got to go on after kids grow up. As parents, we spend years taking care of our children … sacrificing, making the best decisions we can for their behalf, always focused on family, etc. Then they move out. It’s time for them to spread their wings and fly, and it’s time for you to do the same. One day, they’ll have kids of their own & look back, and they will understand.
They’ll see eventually. Give it a little while. They know you try.
So I was the kid in this situation, you know my parents didn’t have a nasty divorce but it wasn’t pretty either. My dad was on the losing side you know he did everything he could for us but I didn’t see that at 15. I didn’t see everything between my parents that went on that I do now. They don’t hate you and at that age all they see is $$ and bougie stuff and think that’s what life is about. It won’t be like this forever, just keep telling them you love them. Try not to be nasty towards the dad just love them and live for you and keep working hard so that when they walk back through your door one day you’re ready
Oh mama my prayers are with you
Sounds like you are the bad parent, your Ex is the cooler parent. You are in a position where your kids are throwing tantrums. You are keeping your kids on the straight and narrow and your Ex is allowing them to do what they want. Kids are taking advantage! They think it’s cool with their dad. They will be back!
I feel your pain and completely understand how devastated you are. Mt youngest child and only son did the same thing to me except I came home to find he moved out and on my birthday no less. I was crushed beyond all repair. His father had been absent for 12 years. Don’t let anyone tell you the hurt will heal in time. It won’t! But in time you will learn to live with the pain.
<3 I’m so sorry Mama.
What’s the legal parenting plan? With your permission does it allow them to stay with him if you allow it?
How about more split time? Like they stay with you 3 days, then dad 2 days, then you 2 days, then dad 3 days, and so on. Would that affect your income/does he pay child support? This would allow for more equal parenting time and get in a groove/schedule and maybe even relieve your outgoing money?
I am so sorry. If it was me, I’d do my best to keep them according to the plan. My heart would hurt and ache with this call. Thoughts and prayers for you that it works out. <3
Bruh… I would be hurt but I’d be like peace out!! The grass is NOT greener on the other side!! They’ll come around but take it easy while they figure it out! Go on a singles cruise! Go on a vacation, something to get the relax
I would be like okay bye!! & turn up turn up
Give it time. They will want you again more than ever.
They’re 16 and 17, it’s pretty natural that they’d want to stay where they feel they can do whatever they want. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Let them stay and have some time for yourself.
Aside from that, 16 and 17 can get part time jobs to get the things they want that you can’t afford
Let them stay,relax and find you some friends or hobbies,they’re teens lol your kids will be back when the fun time is over .
I feel you so hard here.
Honestly, If your child tells you mean things. They are hurt by you. Kids say nasty things because they been hurt and they wanna make you feel hurt. I don’t think the ex twisted things in your kids minds. They are 16&17, they have a mind of their own. They lived with you since they were born. So they know how you are even without the ex telling them. Instead of taking accountability of what the kids tell you about. You instead blame someone else and that’s probably why they wanna leave.
My daughter threatened to go live with her dad in Texas …we’ve been separated since she was a baby.
she wanted to move out because she was so upset that I had boundaries and rules and she was 17 and almost graduated…oh well…
I said ‘K fine, you go over there but understand that life is way different than it is here. I may have boundaries and rules and be all up in your business but The grass isn’t always greener on the other side…”
She thought about it.
￼￼She never went .
Kids often don’t know what they have until they separate themselves from it. It may seem all fun and games now but the reality is they’re only over there for a little while. when things start to get really serious they’ll realize that structure and love is better than fun and freedom …
It’s weird but true…
sometimes these kids would rather sacrifice their freedoms and fun for having a mother around who really cares and guides.￼￼
The world works ass backwards like that￼
Im sorry you are going through this situation. Try to stay positive. You’ve did your best. It will be hard for a while. But maybe take time for yourself. If you have close lady friends, go to the movies, have dinner. maybe take a class. Do something for yourself.
Keep in contact with the kids. Just let them know you love them.and that you will always be there for them. I hope everything works out for you. You got this.
The grass always is greener. Let them go because let’s face it, you can’t stop them at that age and I’m sure they will miss you and want to come home in no time
We are currently going through inflation and things are getting more expensive and will continue to do so. If dad can financially support them better then I would say let him have them and just save some money to enjoy the time you do spend with them. Get a smaller place so they don’t have the responsibilities they once had and you don’t have to have the arguments of cleaning rooms, boredom and such.
IMO they are teens and the more you lock them down and push the further they will go from you. Kids respond to discipline yes but they also respond to having a good relationship with the parent. There can be a happy medium. Work on more happy memories you can create with them!
They’re of age now that they gonna do what they want! DON’T make them come home bc that will be the worst mistake ever! Let it go and see what happens! And don’t argue with them!!
Your kids are old enough to get jobs and help too!
Girl just breathe! He is the “Disneyland” dad. Hopefully it will wear off quickly with them being 16 & 17 yrs old. How long of them not helping or doing anything will your ex put up with (you know his true colors)?
If you push it & he takes you back to court, they are old enough (in courts eye) to choose where they want to live. Let them know & remind them that you understand their view point, you will always love them & they are welcomed to come back at any time. Set up lunch or dinner dates with them as often as possible. Go to every school event & extra curriculars you can. You get to be the Disneyland parent for awhile.
Kids will sometimes want to be with the parent who lets them have it easy and give them everything they want. But they never learn to be an independent, responsible, respectable adult and always go back to that parent for everything they need or want like a child. They never grow up!
hang in there mama !!!
Sounds like they want to take the easy way without any responsibilities. Dad’s is probably fun time to them. Been there, done that. They are at the age where they just care what’s in it for them. It’s hard but if they want to live with their dad, and he is a good person, let them do it. I made that choice once and my daughter wanted to come back home within a month. Actually wanted to come back sooner but was embarrassed to tell me. Just let them know you are there for them, whatever they choose. It’s hard but just be there for them. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately the kids are old enough to decide. And it’s obvious their father is no help because he doesn’t insist on them doing chores and he has more money coming in than you do. He can afford the perks. That’s not helping. All I can tell you is that you should take advantage of this time to focus on yourself. Do you like to read? You can get books from Thriftbooks used for cheap. Anything you want. Just type the author or title in on Google and it will come up. I would think you could get movies the same way. Really throw yourself into a hobby. Do you crochet? Walmart usually has pretty good yarn prices. Make yourself some blanket afghans. You could probably even sell them and make a few extra dollars here and there. I crochet. I don’t know how to do the fancy stuff. Just chain stitch and single and double crochet stitches. I’m making a large blanket afghan right now. I haven’t worked on it much lately… it’s been too hot-even with the a/c on. But I’ll get back to it. It’s right here by the couch. It’s getting big and heavy. I’m going to give it to my son for Christmas. He’s 46. I found camouflage yarn. He’s former Army. Anyway… try to find some hobbies to do to keep yourself busy. You’ll be ok. And remember, someday, your kids will be grown with kids of their own. And they will find out that money doesn’t grow on trees. They will most likely find out you weren’t holding out on them and it’s not easy to hold down a job and keep a house clean by yourself with kids messing it up. Then they’ll be back, maybe with a whole new outlook on life.
Tell them to get a job! If they’re not happy then they can start providing for themselves. They’re old enough
Sometimes as mothers we just have to stay strong even if our hearts are being broken into a million pieces. Let your kids stay with there father and don’t feel bad . They will come home eventually because home is where mom is .
My ex told my girl things too. We don’t have a relationship now. Prayers for you.
If the situation were reversed you would want your ex to respect your children’s feelings and wishes and allow them to stay with you. At their ages it’s appropriate they get a say.
Take advantage of the situation now you can be the lighter and happier parent that they enjoy spending time with because you aren’t as stretched financially and fewer responsibilities full time.
You can be the fun Mom that you couldn’t be because he always got to be the fun Dad. Let him deal with the hard work for a while.
I’d say let them for now, grass isn’t Always greener on the other side but sometimes u midget let
Well they are old enough to choose and they have chosen to stay with dad. Respect there decision and move on with purpose as far as your life is concerned.
Don’t threaten me with a good time
As hard as it is for you let them go. Take some me time, spoil yourself for a change. Hugs and love
The absentee parent usually uses money, etc to bribe the kids during the little time they spend with them. My advice will be just let them be as long as they are going to school and keeping any doctor appointments if any considering they are 16 and 17 years old. Use the extra money and time to pamper yourself. All the best.
You might join the Facebook group “One Mom’s Battle”and ask this question there. You’ll get a lot of feedback from people who have been likely been in similar situations.
They are both old enough to get jobs and eat expensive on their own. Girl stop babying them. They are spoiled brats and need a good taste of life handed to them. They want internet they can get a job and pay for it
They are old enough. Get back to your better pay job, get a nice homey for you place, pamper yourself, get yourself busy, date, hang out, find a hobby. It will change their outlook on you for a better. But always be there to listen and welcoming when they need their mom.
Your hurt, that is understandable,but you have to swallow your pride know you’ve done your best by them,let them go is all you can do,kids will be kids they want to be in the place that they benefit most from. Call them tell them you love them. Let them be. Maybe this time will help you to get up on your feet, they’ll figure it out. Best wishes God Bless you
My son wanted to live with his dad. I was hurt but said ok. I told him it wouldn’t be what he hoped for. He was only gone 2 mo ths and came back home with his heart hurt. I was sooo angry with his dad but was NOT surprised. You have to let them try. Kids hate having to split their love.
Let them go with love if it’s what they are saying they want for now. Just make sure you tell them you will miss them n be sad. But that the door is always open if they want to come back. They will but in the mean time fill your time doing things for you:pray:
Teenagers are unfortunately selfish little beings. Say to them ok cool have a good one lol live your best life while they are away. They will come back with theor tail between their legs lol you do internet though lol
Two sides to every story. There’s probably some truth in there someone. Kids are assholes during that age as well.
Enjoy your freedom n start saving. Let him worry about the extra costs xx
see this is the classic thing mama puts all the work in and when there old thr father takes them it’s a joke