My MIL refuses to let me host Thanksgiving: Advice?

My MIL has been an absolute terror my entire relationship with my husband (10 years) and hoenstly I am to the point where I want to leave my husband just so I do not have to deal with her anymore because he refuses to stand up to her…I want to host Thanskgiving this year…we just bought a house…told my MIL she could have Christmas thinking this would be easy for her since she gets the better more fun Holiday but no…she threw a whole entire fit and blew my husbands phone up while he was at work…idk what to do anymore…I want to finally host something as I am grown and she is not letting me…I even told her I would compromise and throw it the Saturday after and she refuses to come…I am tired of trying with this woman…help


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My MIL refuses to let me host Thanksgiving: Advice?

Host it. If she doesn’t come that’s on her. You have every right to host, she isn’t stopping you from doing anything you want to do in your own home. Your husband probably doesn’t want the conflict. Just do your thing.


Throw a Friendsgiving the Saturday after and envite friends and family . include watching football and make it low key. If she doesn’t come don’t let it stress you out, her loss.


It’s her tradition… I’d let her host while she wants. A time will come where it’ll be your turn❤


Host for your family!! If your husband chooses to go to his moms oh well… he needs to speak up to her and let her know you will be cooking and she’s welcome to come but he will be with his family on Thanksgiving at his house.


If you are to the point of considering leaving you’re husband because of what you are enduring it’s time for real communication with him,it doesn’t matter if its Thanksgiving, Christmas, flag day it’s not about the holiday it’s the control, disrespect that you’re husband needs to address immediately


Invite friends and family. Make all the food you want. Enjoy the day and if she doesn’t come, sounds like you will have a better time anyways.


Have your own Thanksgiving and invite her, but do not let her undermine your relationship with your husband. If she attends, fine and if not that needs to be fine as well. You’ve tried to compromise and now it’s time to do things your way. Unless she has her bluff in on everyone else and they are scared to disobey her orders, it should be just fine. Enjoy your day.


Let her do Thanksgiving & you have yours. Or have an early Thanksgiving or one after. If she comes fine if not fine.


Go ahead and do it, invite whoever goes to them - if they come to you or go to her it doesn’t matter. Stand up for yourself. If hubby goes to moms - that tells you a lot about how tight those apron strings are around his neck.
In my former marriage, my family had the big meal at 2 PM and his had theirs at 6 PM. His had Christmas dinner on 24th at 6 PM, mine at 2PM on the 25th. It worked great!!


Host for your family. You’ll probably have a better time without her anyway!


You must be married to my Ex :joy::joy: I know sounds petty but I still cooked. I went but didn’t eat anything at her house :woman_shrugging:t3::woman_shrugging:t3: I came back home to eat my food.


I would throw one the day you suggested and if she doesn’t come then that’s her decision.


Talk to your husband. He needs to represent the marital family unit and check his mom. Host for your family and friends. Send her an invite. Celebrate with those that come to your house and skip hers.


My DIL is doing it this year and I am super excited. She and my son want us to just relax and enjoy our grandchildren.


I dont do holidays with anyone but my household. My mom has her party after each holiday and my mil before each holiday that way we don’t have to choose. You can start your own tradition and stay home say you’ll meet them on Xmas


Do it anyway it’s her loss I’m sure you will have many takers to your invite :grinning:


If she doesn’t come then oh well? Lol. She’s not your boss. You do what you want. You got a house and you want to start a tradition, then start it! :heart:


Im not a fan of throwing a wrench in her tradition as one day you’ll be in her position… but… your issue isn’t with her, it’s with your husband. And it’s a separate issue from Thanksgiving.


Girl throw your own dinner if she comes, she does and if not then so be it. As far as him not standing up for you against his mother that is a whole different story and he should as you are his wife. If someone grown is still throwing tantrums, just let them…I wouldn’t stress yourself about it


I host my side of the family every year. My husbands mom hosts his family. Never an issue. Do you have family you can host for? Let her continue hosting for her family. I don’t understand the issue.


Why does your MIL has a say in any decisions that you chose to make with your life? She shares a portion of your family but not your entire family. If you want to host any kind of party then do it, just don’t expect her to do things the ways you want to do it. She can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. If you’re letting her control your life well it’s on you.


You don’t need her permission. If you want, you host it.


Do it! Like you said you are grown! She shouldn’t have to “let” you do anything, you can do whatever you want. Whoever comes, comes, and if your husband doesn’t man up and chose the family he made instead then you will be dealing with this for many many more years.


She is the matriarch of the family. Have some respect for that. Just help with the cooking. There will be a time when she won’t be able to host anymore.


Have your party. Do your get together. If she doesn’t show, that’s on her. Not you. You can have more than one Thanksgiving dinner.


Just have your dinner and if she don’t want to come, let her stay home. Sounds like she is being very childish to me


Start your own traditions with your family in your house. If she doesn’t want to come, oh well. But your husband should be the one standing up to her, she’s his mother. People choosing their mom over the family they made, causes a lot of damage to relationships.


Just do it. If she doesn’t come oh well. Now if your hubby doesn’t come that altogether different. And do it on Thanksgiving day for goodness sakes.


Do it and if she chooses not to come that’s on her. :woman_shrugging: Don’t let her steal your peace and joy. Especially during the holidays.


Would you like it if you hosted Thanksgiving for the last 20 years and all of a sudden your daughter in law wants come in and change things up. If it means that much to her you should consider her feelings. Do your own thing another day and call it a friends-giving. I know I’d be pissed but that’s just me… Unless I wanted to take a break from it and let somone else take over. It’s a lot of work, time and effort to host Thanksgiving. I’m glad I just help my mom and MIL out with side dishes… for now. I feel like my time will come :woman_shrugging:


Honestly it sounds like this is a her problem. Host thanksgiving dinner darlin. If she doesn’t show up that’s on her. After 10 years she should know that she isn’t in charge


Let her have it. MIL will lose the spot. You will miss that. Wait 20 years. It’s sad sometimes


Host Thanksgiving! She can go or stay home. We invite both sides of the family. If they want to come over, they can. If not, o well. We never miss a beat! We always eat with whoever comes! We learned when we got our house that we wouldn’t let anyone tell us what our plans are. Our family always wanted us to come on Christmas morning. We decided when we had kids that we weren’t doing that anymore that our kids would be home with their gifts. They have never been on Christmas and that’s fine. I don’t think they like it but they don’t have to. :person_shrugging: We are grown and make our own plans and decisions. Don’t let others dictate what you do.


What do you mean by “my MIL refuses to let me host Thanksgiving”? You’re an adult. She doesn’t have the power to “LET” you do anything within your own home. You and your husband are the heads of your household. You’re also both adults. If you want to host, than do it. Invite whomever you want, and start planning. Whether or not she shows up is on her. As long as you extend the invite to her, you’re good. Hell, if it will appease her, and you’re comfortable with it, ask her to co host at your house. Sometimes you just need to put your foot down to get what you want.

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Wait, so you compromised and offered to come to her’s, AND host a separate one on a different day and she refuses to come to your’s? I mean no disrespect, but this is no one’s fault at this point but your husband’s for not putting your unity first. :pensive: I don’t mean you should be disrespectful to his mother, but it sounds like you are more than respectful and he simply “doesn’t want to deal with her.” My husband would refuse to go to her home again until his marriage/wife was respected…and that wouldn’t even be at my request…he would just take action for that one.


Have one and so what if she don’t come. She’ll eventually see that she’s the one missing out


Have Thanksgiving and invite her. Tell her she can bring a dessert if she wants but doesn’t have to. You just want her there to help you and your husband celebrate in your new home. Give your husband an ultimatum, if he values you and your marriage he’ll support you.


After 10 years you should be tired of it. STOP…caving or you can make it 11years.
Its not a negotiation. You get to do what you want.
Send your invites and plan your Thanksgiving. Christmas too if you want.
Let her sit home with a hungry man frozen turkey TV dinner and sulk if she chooses to decline your invitation. Your hubs…can bring 2 to her house and sulk with her if that’s what he wants.( He won’t once you invite everyone and he won’t want to look the fool he is drawing that line in the sand. He doesn’t have the stones for it, I promise you)
That said…sounds like mommy enabling hubby …has been your bigger problem with this over the past decade. You are going to have to deal with that since he’s fine being little boy blue and letting you be the heavy in all this.
Send the invites and buy the turkey.
She’ll show.
Makes sure though you have the kiddies table set up for she and hubs if they aren’t on their best holiday behaviour with company present. No sulking allowed… or they don’t get any dessert either.


Host your own! For your family! It would be fun and less nerve wreaking to have her there it seems anyway. SET YOUR BOUNDRIES MAMA


I’d do it! Tell her to make her own fun Turkey if she don’t want to come! She should be THANKFUL her son and you that your able to be in a home to be able to host in!

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Host it. Tell her if she wants to come, you’re all for it, if not, I’m pretty sure you won’t care lol. But for real though, tell your husband that he needs to stand up to his mother. That probably puts a lot of stress on your relationship because you keep fighting over the same thing, and honestly it’s a small thing! Oh and good luck and big ups to you for keeping your cool for 10 YEARS!


Do it anyway. She doesn’t have to come. It’s really selfish of her to need to be the center of attention so bad that she won’t even allow you to have this when you’re excited about your home. Especially when you offered to do it a different day. Lots of people go to multiple homes for thanksgiving. I’d play her game, throw it the same day, at a different time, and not go to hers. :woman_shrugging:


I throw a friend’s giving n host. I let mother’s host bc truth is it may mean more to them than we realize. They won’t always be around or able to do it. So wait your turn, allow her do this for her family n then when time comes u can take over. Until then host for close friends.

Have Thanksgiving at your home with your immediate family. If she wants to come she can. She sounds ridiculously controlling. You are willing to compromise and she isn’t. She shouldn’t have to host every time. Sorry and good luck.

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If she’s not living with you … do how you wish …give it a little consideration with dates everytime, invite…if she doesn’t show up …not your problem … and ooh, it’s your husband mother , don’t expect him to stand whoever side … you’ll understand when you have a grown up son

Host it with your family and do not invite them. If your husband refuses to grow a pair then you will know where you stand with him. Remember you teach others how to treat you.


We started doing our own a few years ago. I didn’t want my holiday dictated by other people. So we just cooks for our family. Anyone is welcome but I’m creating my own family traditions.

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What if you somehow make her feel needed ? I know it’s kind of a " giving in" kind of move… but maybe she’s scared you’ll do just fine without her… or better! Its like she’s threatened!
So if you make it about her helping you or teaching you tricks or whatever…it might at least win her over a tad… and that’s a start!
She’s acting like a child… treat her like one! Lol🤷‍♀️

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Throw it anyway. If she comes, then good. If she doesn’t come and throws a fit, who cares. BUT, maybe still go on her party jusssst so you are being considerate too. And don’t let her get in to you.

Do what you want! Don’t let it affect your marriage, your husband is in a bad spot


I definitely know how you feel host your own Thanksgiving if she refuses to come that’s her choice…do not let her come between your marriage…I’m married for 13 years & experience alot like this …your husband needs to step up a bit to

Its worth considering that your husband is an adult survivor of a childhood with her in charge of the weather, if he treats you well and you love him then its way simpler to just install a firm boundary when it comes to her

We go to 3-4 Thanksgivings and Christmases every year. Just tell family you’re doing a Thanksgiving at your new home and everyone is welcome. We don’t host because we have a very small house so for us it’s easier to go to other family members homes. My husband is a home body and if he could he’d avoid them all. Lol She will just have to get used to it and realize one day she probably won’t be able to host because of age so to have you and your home as an option will be a blessing!

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Have the party, if she doesn’t come, then for you it’s a win. Tradition is great, but you are willing to compromise. Enjoy your time. Try not to take it out on your husband. He is in a tough spot. That’s his mom, think of how you would feel. Good luck, have a great party.

What is wrong with you just do it it’s your house if she comes she comes if she don’t you won’t miss her

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I know the feeling …

If she doesn’t go IS IT REALLY A LOSS?
Let her chuck a tantrum get lots of photos make awesome memories without her

Tell your husband your having it at the house and maybe if you want compromise days and try to work
But who cares

My MIL is identical and sometimes they just aren’t worth arguing with

Do two , invite whoever ti your one and see her at her one

The end

We have a very large family so we pick the biggest house to have Thanksgiving at and everyone brings something for dinner. Last year we rented an event center in the town that had the most family living there. We scheduled it between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So we celebrated both holidays. We all had a wonderful time. It’s All about compromise. But…If I were you, I would go to Mom n laws dinner, enjoy your day as a guest. Never mentioning your wishes again then Surprise have Your own Thanksgiving dinner at your new house with a “Select few” family n friends invatation only. There’s more than one way to fix a squeaky wheel. :joy:

I’m excited at my daughter in law hosting Thanksgiving in her home this year. That being said there are many years we had set days and times for certain holiday and when I wanted to host our own I did it a different day. It was the people, not the date that mattered. Sometimes it’s better to take the fight out of the fight. It doesn’t mean you’re losing or are being weak and bullied. Some people hold tight to routine or maybe it’s easier/more comfortable for other family members. At the end of the day it isn’t a reason to throw away the man imo.

Just throw your own anyway,I have one of those MIL as well and I’ve learned to do stuff because I want to,and my way,if your husband chooses to go to his moms then so be it,

Ummmm have your thanksgiving dinner when you want and originally planned for. If your husband won’t stand up to her, you should. Firm and stand your ground. Even if it’s just you and your hubby and friends. If he wants to allow her to act that way, then he can go sleep with her instead! I’ve never understood men that act like this!!! Yes, respect your mother, but once you are married, your wife should come first regarding certain things. He needs to cut the umbilical cord or you may have to do it for him!! Don’t let her ruin your plans. Congratulations on your new home! Enjoy it!!!

Host Thanksgiving at your house invite her and if she doesn’t come oh well her loss. Your husband can grow a pair and support his wife like he should
Invite a few friends too.

I can’t believe how many people are telling her to be disrespectful. In my family, and I thought most others, the matriarch of the family always hosts the family dinners. I can’t believe this is even a debate. Wtf

You can still host it just contact the family members and tell them it’s a surprise for her and not to tell her and just host it… will she mad oh hell yeah but if you wanna host it then do it even if it’s just with your family only.

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I would not care! As long as one of the mom’s want to host it is better for me! Our fight was which one gets to host us! We alternated years. When the children came then we alternated Thanksgiving and Christmas was at our house now. Everyone understood… Now my MIL is gone … Now we do it … End of story!

Host your own and tell her come or not because that’s honestly what I had to do with my MIL as she sounds like yours and turns out for my first I did fantastic and my turkey is better than hers lol word from her husband ,my brother in law and my husband and kids

I would just do it anyways :person_shrugging: even if it was just your own family coming. I haven’t ran into this issue as mine don’t have her own place like that and could care less who does it but I’m tired of my own families Thanksgivings that I decided to do my own even if it means it’s just my partner and kids. But my parents are separated so it still works out in my favor cause then I can spend it with my dad. Or maybe do Easter :hatching_chick:. I’ve always wanted to host one of those but don’t really have much of a yard for it.

I can’t believe your considering divorce because of this controlling woman, and your husband doesn’t even give a s**t about that either.

Your grown, do what you want for a change. If it’s unacceptable, then enjoy your Thanksgiving with the ones who come. Either way your Thanksgiving is already ruined!

Throw it and if she doesn’t come then oh well! You deserve to have Thanksgiving in your home if that’s what you want! Who cares if it’s a bunch of people or not!

1 why keep trying
2 why are you even ASKING
3 ur an adult…do wtf YOU want…and if he don’t like it him and his pain in the ass mama can kick rocks sis

She is NOT the boss of you !!!
You have the right to host any holiday you want , invite your side of your family, friends , co workers and close neighbors, extending an invite to her and your husband side of the family and that is

Let her refuse to come. Who cares? Host whatever dinner you want to host, invite who you want and that’s it. If she doesn’t want to come, oh well. That’s her problem.

Just go ahead an host it if they come fine if they don’t they will be plenty left for your family or you could find a homeless shelter and donate the food . Do you your a grown woman do what you want .

I would allow her to have Thanksgiving, but then insist on Christmas get your husbands support. MIL will probably try to insist on Christmas don’t let her insist your husband support you if she says she won’t come. Let her stay home don’t give in…otherwise she will continue her horrible behavior.


Live your life for you. If you want to do Thanksgiving then do it. In my opinion a mother regardless of in law or birth should be proud to have a daughter host their own holiday. You need to do what will make you happy. Not anyone else. Host dinner, if no one shows up oh well, do it for you. Make your own traditions. Eat a whole turkey and a pie. Just be happy. Dont worry about what anyone has to say. At the end of the day only your opinion and wants matter. I hope you make that dinner and its amazing!! Fix that crown and keep it moving my queen! Positive thought for you!!

She’s at least 20 yrs older than you right? Not that it’s right, but she feels like she’s losing something- like you r taking something… She’s wrong… period. If your whole life is wrapped up in this setback (divorce) - I’d find a way to step back and stop making it about me. I am not saying you should have to give in… is just be leery of the fight. She’s wrong… but you r miserable and that’s worse. Maybe a fab dinner party that has nothing to do with her? New Year’s Eve?

Host it anyway and if she doesn’t come, good for you for not having to put up with her on a day that’s meant to be enjoyable.

throw it saturday and she doesnt have to come if she doesnt want to . shes a big baby , let her cry about it

Throw your own!If you want them to not have an excuse not to.come you do it a different day then she is.

Enjoy the day with her. Have respect. That’s his mother.

Have your dinner at your home, if your husband can’t respect your wishes then his loss. Invite your family and your friends and enjoy your day!

As a MIL it’s hard to give up holidays. My suggestion….go to her house on actual Thanksgiving and host another at your home on Saturday after! If her side of the family doesn’t want to come invite friends and make it a “Friendsgiving”.

Congratulations on your new home! Enjoy it!

Talk to your husband and host a Friendsgiving, invite whoever you want. If you aren’t even doing it ON thanksgiving she has no reason to be mad

Just throw a big party for family and friends that isn’t during a holiday and show her your skills. Best of luck!!

Step over her and walk on do your own thing … invite her if she turns up so be it and if she doesn’t her loss your gain …

Do your own thing!! Host at your home the way you want and invite her if she comes great and if not oh well :heart:

Tell her and your husband you are hosting it. If she comes fine, if not it’s her loss. If you don’t stand up for yourself you will continue to be miserable.

I’d do my own. I’d invite my side of the family and also her side and some close friends. If she comes she comes, if she doesn’t that’s on her.

You’d think she would appreciate a d-i-l that actually wants to get off her butt and do something that would also give her a break. And to brag to her friends on the awesome job she did.

I’m petty so I’d host one on the Saturday after, invite all my friends and family, and STILL not go to hers on actual Thanksgiving. A decade is long enough :woman_shrugging:t3:

Just do it invite family and friends. If she doesn’t come that’s on her. Live your life. You might find that some or most of the family will still come.

Run for the hills, she will try to control you for the rest of your life! Your husband should support you and tell his momma that you are hosting this year!

Host and if she doesn’t show up it’s her loss . You enjoy the time with those that do show up :slight_smile:

Host it and make it big!!! If she doesn’t come, you will have a wonderful Thanksgiving and one less negative nelly at your house! Host Christmas too and then you are golden!!

Just do ur own holidays. That’s what I do my fiance mom used to do it all the time till we got our own place and now I am the one that cooks at my own house I like doin it in my own home makes me feel good and happy.

Do it on the Saturday l. If she doesn’t come then have a good time and don’t let her get you down. She will be the one acting like a child.

Do your own thing then let her be salty when she’s the only one not there. She seems like a nightmare.

I’d divorce if he’s not willing to get her to compromise.