My mom claims I do not spend enough time with my kids

Little background info. My husband and I both currently work nights. Him full time, me 2-3 days a week. We have 8 and 6 year old daughters. My mom currently watches them for me from 9pm to 4am on the nights that we both work. They are sleeping this entire time so she either sleeps or stays up and does whatever she wants. Recently my mom has been going off on me about the schedule, or saying I don’t spend enough time with my kids. Mind you, I work from 8pm to 4am while my kids are asleep. Every waking moment, besides when they are in school, I am with them. Every once in a while I get called into work at 4pm, once a week or every two weeks maybe. Yesterday i picked up a noon-8pm shift. My husband was home to be able to stay with the kids. He just got home at 1pm from working 13 hours, has zero sleep at this point. At 4pm, she called me asking if I could watch my nephew, I said I was at work but she could bring him by my house with E (my husband) and the kids. She huffed and brought him over. He didnt want to stay so she ended up taking him with her. She called me later on and said “this cant keep happening”. She went on and on about how “we” cant be sleeping when the kids are home. First off, I dont sleep when my kids are home. The weekends, we all sleep in and if they wake up before I do, they are still just lounging being morning bums. Nothing wrong or bad happening. But yesterday my husband was sleeping when they got home from school, and when she decided to bring my nephew over. My girls knew that he was going to be napping and/or extremely tired from work. They didnt fuss about it what so ever. They got their own snacks, found something to keep them busy and it was all fine. They called me multiple times from their tablets and I talked with him for a while. Anyways, my mom goes off saying how she had to quit her 2nd job to take care of us back in the day. How I shouldnt be picking up shifts (its literally how my job works and how I make money). I dont pick up shifts if it doesnt work for my family. I knew my husband was home so my kids were taken care of. She goes off basically hinting at me quitting my job. Im at work so I’m not fully having this conversation in front of my co-worker. My thing is how are we supposed to make it on 1 income, we cant! I make hella good money doing what I do and I absolutely LOVE my job. I dont know if I am overthinking this and I know I’m not explaining this very good either. But what am I supposed to do here? This isnt the first time my mom has pulled this. She believes that my kids just roam the house surviving on scraps of food doing whatever they please and that is FARTHEST from the truth. I get 3-4 hours of sleep a night, not all at one time either. My husband has to get more than that because of the job he does. He sleeps from either 9am-4pm or 1pm to 8pm while I am up with them. They are healthy, spoiled, smart, excelling children and I as their mother take great offense to someone telling me I’m not doing good enough when all I do is bust my ass for those babies. I am the primary parent, husband works so much he doesnt do much with them. I quite literally control this household, nothing goes in/out without me knowing about it. My kids might want, but they never need. I provide everything they need and about 90% of what they want on top of that! So for my mom to basically tell me i need to quit my job, it hurts and its infuriating. No one tells my husband to cut back hours, no one tells my sister in law to cut back on her night shift hours (who really does not see her son 6 days a week). But the person who works when her kids are asleep, who gets barely any sleep on a daily basis, is the one who gets the backlash.

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I don’t think your mom will ever stop. Moms are very hard on their daughters for some odd reasons. If it works for you and your family that’s all that matters. You work 2-3 days a week, so I don’t understand where your mom is coming from. Might have to distance yourself from your mom so she gets the hint. If working makes you happy do it!

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom claims I do not spend enough time with my kids - Mamas Uncut

I think you already answered your own question. Your mom is heavily in a judgment zone. You know your kids are loved, safe & cared for. Set your boundaries with your mom, but try not to feel like you need to defend yourself.

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So your 6 and 8 year old are taking care of themselves while your husband is sleeping? If I am right. That’s not ok

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Consider getting a different care taker for when you are at work. Not knowing all the circumstances, maybe your Mom wants to enjoy being a grandma without being the baby sitter also.

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I got the same grief when I was a sahm but bed bound when my health was bad my then kids ages 3-4 knew how to open the fridge n get drinks snacks n make PBJ

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Maybe she doesn’t want to watch them anymore I’d would find different child care then she won’t even know when you have the kids and when you don’t

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Tell her to mind her business. You are their mom and YOU will decide what’s best. If the issue is her watching them then that is what needs to be discussed.

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Sounds like she was a bad mood that day for something else and used to opportunity to tell you what was on her mind. She is probably tired of being a sitter so think about giving her a rest and get someone else or she is going to keep fussing.

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You need a sitter so when he is asleep or you actually need sleep you can have a adult up and taking care of what needs to be done it seems like that would help everyone Alot :bangbang::bangbang:

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Sounds like maybe one of your girls has told mamaw something and mamaw doesn’t want to just say hey (kids name) said you never are home to tuck them in or read a story or maybe something along those lines. Maybe sit down and talk to your mother and get to the bottom of why she said this…

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Work different shifts if not find another job so you or your husband can be at the house thoughout the weeks

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Can you and your husband work opposite shifts?

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It sounds like she’s in a bad mood taking it out on you….OR….she does not want to babysit anymore

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Tell her to suck it.

Tell your mama mind her business! Find someone you trust that you can pay to stay the night they are asleep and have cameras that u can look at! Stop depending on her an dishes won’t have anything to day about I ut your life. Sometimes we have to separate to liberate! Good luck and keep on striving!

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At 8, I have no issues with whatever adult is home being asleep. At 6 left mine in the house while I was outside mowing the lawn. Someone is available if they need something. It’s not like they’re home some. Obviously this doesn’t apply if the child is special needs…

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I think it’s time to find a new baby sitter, the hours are hard and it can be expensive but maybe another family member?

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Let it go and do what works for you.Sounds like to me mum is having a sissy fit over the nephew and having to deal with him but not wanting too….which might also be the case with her watching your children too

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Hire a babysitter and don’t ask her anymore

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She sounds tired. Exhausted. May be her way of saying she no longer wants to watch the kids.

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What your mom isn’t saying is…she’s old and she is tired of being responsible for kids. Find another babysitter. Use her in emergencies.

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If your spending quality time when they get home till you go to work, what else can you do. You just work part time. Ask her what else can you do? Has she ever told you how to spend more time?

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I would just find someone else to watch the kids you are kicking ass taking care of them no family can live anymore on one income

I think she’s tired of babysitting honesty. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Find someone else to watch them. 8 & 6 are perfectly fine to be at home with an adult napping. The rest is none of her business.

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Hire another sitter. You’re doing a wonderful job!!!

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Sounds like she just doesn’t want to watch them.

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It sounds like maybe she’s tired of babysitting your kids which isn’t her responsibility to do. Maybe you need to find alternative arrangements for childcare since you said you make “ hella good money doing what your doing” so you should be able to afford childcare for your kids.

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I’d hire a babysitter and tell your mom you’ll do as you see fit with your family.

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You need to find someone else to watch them . If this is a occurrence often , I’d thank her for what she’s done , but find someone else .

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Personally I think she’s really just over keeping kids that aren’t hers. Yes it’s her grandchildren but if she’s watching your kids and your nephew and drowning on her age and income, she’s probably over it or feeling taken advantage of. Not saying she IS but maybe she feels that way. Childcare is expensive. Overnight childcare is expensive. Even if they are sleeping. I’m not saying you have to pay her a wage… though maybe you should treat her to a dinner or something if you haven’t or can. Just to say I appreciate your help and without you I wouldn’t be able to do this. :woman_shrugging:t2: idk. I feel like she’s upset and rattling off on the wrong thing. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Sounds like it’s time to find a new sitter, and let grandma be grandma.

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Sounds like your mom was more upset she didn’t have a baby sitter than anything honestly. I don’t see the problem in taking a nap while the girls are home. If they know how to get things on their own and if they know to wake him if something is wrong then there’s no reason to be worried.
I don’t have a job and I would take naps while my 9 year old would watch a movie. If she needed something she would wake me up or go to my neighbors and ask for it.

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Honestly it just means stop having her watch the kids ever and find a daycare or babysitter.

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Tell her to mind her own business.

I would ask her if she’s tired of watching them. If she is, look for someone else to keep them.

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Your Mom is getting overtired. She doesn’t know how to say she needs to cut down on her watching of all the grandkids. Not only yours but your sisters kid or kids too. It’s time for you to find another sitter. It doesn’t maker her a bad mother to you and your sister. She wants to be a Grandma not a babysitter. I am Grandma too! We raised you guys. We aren’t supposed to raise yours too.

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Your doing an amazing job mama!! Keep up the good work! Also what a plus that you love what you do! Let her know how happy you all are and that you can definitely figure something else out if she can’t be happy with you guys.

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Do what is best for you and your family.

Maybe your mom just dose not want to watch kids anymore if what your dong work fore you then ok if they kids are old enoghf to understand if they need to wake a parent up in a bad situation then dont worry about it

My mom likes to complain like this as well and she only helps pick up my baby girl from the sitter. So maybe has her 1.5 in the evenings. I know I need to find an alternative but I have no one and I’m a single mom, Dad lives too far too help and works longer hours as well.

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Sounds like you need a new babysitter. If she’s going to be that much of a pain, she shouldn’t be that involved anymore. It’s not her place to make comments. She doesn’t pay your bills and it sounds like one of the easiest babysitting jobs ever.

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I’m thinking your mom is tired and exhausted taking care of your kids and when you pick up extra shifts without talking to her about it first she us feeling that you are taking advantage of her. Maybe you need to talk to her about what’s really going on.

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Definitely need someone else to watch your kids and you don’t ever have to hear her

Your mom is trying to say she doesn’t want to help anymore.

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Girl your mother needs to mind her business.

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Well, I’ve felt this same burden for years from my mom and I just stopped listening to her.
It was "the kids need to do more activities " but in order to do that we need to both work. So I got a real job, and we can afford hockey x2 and lacrosse for a high schooler plus both me and my husband coach varsity lax teams. She sees a snap shot of us both of us working and my husband is taking grad school classes online, he also travels for work.
It’s like we were damned it we did and damned if we didn’t.
In order to do the things for the kids we needed to sacrifice ourselves. I went to work when all the kids went to school in kindergarten and she kept wanting me to stay home. For what? They are in school.
Pressure from parents is real, and you need to find the vocabulary to explain to her your doing the best you can. Or she can front the money it takes to raise them and pay bills.

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As a grandmother I can tell you this. We love our grandchildren but we don’t want to babysit all the time. Do you pay her so she has extra spending money?
Everyone saying it is none of your Mom’s business, well yes it is if she is babysitting. My advice would be to sit down with her and talk to her. Tell her what you just told us. And tell her you appreciate everything she does for y’all. And remember we mamas always vent to the person we know will listen to us.

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Tell her to mind her business. Get another babysitter to fill in sometimes while you’re working.

Do what is right for your family

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What does your husband say about all this? I use to work nights and had to young school age kids. It is hard and trying but being able to work while kids are sleeping so you can be available during the day for school activities or dr appts is great.

Find someone else to watch your girls. I wouldn’t deal with that. Not even from my mother

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Refresh her memory and things are not the same when she had young kids. Things are more expensive now and it does take 2 parents working these days. Thank her for her concern and let her know this is how it is and this is how it will stay until maybe you win the lottery.

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You are doing a good job! Do what’s best for you and your family!! Maybe find someone else to watch your kids if possible??

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You’re doing everything you can to care for your family. If she doesn’t like it, tell her she is welcome to contribute financially so you can work less.

I’d probably try to find a new sitter, too.

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Keep. Up. The good. Job

Hire a night time caregiver to come to your home.

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Your mama is most likely tired, doesn’t have the energy to watch her grandkids but doesn’t want to come out and say so. Maybe find someone who’s willing to help you out a majority of those days.

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Ask her if she’s going to pay your bills or find you a new job with same pay and benefits and she says no then you tell her to worry about herself

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She’s not tired… she’s nosy!! Get a new sitter and live!!!

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Maybe she doesn’t wanna keep watching them

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Your doing a great job. Don’t quit. If I were you I would probably look for someone else to watch my kids while I was at work. Your mom is being ridiculous

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My parents are toxic like this . No matter what you do, they did it better. Theure 6 and 8 and you’re doing fine by finding a balance. You work pt and he works ft,and you’re with them as much as possible. Times are different now. No one can survive on 1 income. Married couples are working ft and single moms are working 2 and 3 jobs . It’s not easy. She just doesnt want them even if they’re asleep which is insane since that’s not a hard age. Sleeping with them roaming around isn’t the worst. They’re not babies.

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Find someone like a nanny (where they live with you) an watch the kids.

Don’t feel bad about working.

Sounds like she thinks you should be a SAHM. She needs to butt out and stop commenting when she isn’t even there to know what is fully going on. It sounds to me like you’re spending just as much time with them as anyone else does with their kids :woman_shrugging:t2: also, what job do you have? I’m currently looking for another job and one where I can pick the shifts would be fantastic!

First, make new childcare arrangements and stop relying on your mom since she obviously has a problem with you working.

Second, set boundaries with her that she is not allowed to make comments about your work and if she continues then you will simply stop talking to her. Then stick to it.

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I heard a saying once ‘some kids are brought up and some kids are dragged up’. When my daughter was 4 weeks old we were so broke I had no choice but to return to work. I was 2IC and worked about 60hpw. She was taken care of by friends and family until she was 4 months old and I got her into day care. I would often pick her up from daycare and return to work. My daughter could sleep anywhere, anytime, through anything and had the best social skills and manners. This went on for years until we divorced when she was 3. I had changed jobs by then to one with less responsibility and normal hours. Unfortunately me being a workaholic previously awarded him custody and then I only saw her 110 nights per year. She’s 24 now and we are still and always have been the best of friends.
Sounds like you are working hard to get ahead and that it won’t be forever. Maybe reduce your mum’s hours if you have other family or friends that can fill in, that way she can be more gma than employee. You never get those times again you have to do what’s best for your family. If I had a do over it’d be to share the load a little more.

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I’m the single mom of the entire family, so I get the back lash. When I do good, it could be better and when I do bad, it’s almost expected . I am treated as cinderella though . I’m needed and wanted 247 but the second I say no,ppl freak out and go ballistic .

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Maybe it’s time for a sitter and allow your mom to be grandma… sounds like she got upset about your nephew not wanting to stay with your husband…you and your husband may need to sit down and thong of other options

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As much as nighttime jobs are nice for no daycare… Sometimes it’s just not possible as a parent. It sounds like she’s also burnt out. 

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My situation is opposite. Sometimes I feel like I don’t spend enough time with my kids because I am balancing school and work right now and my mom helps me so much. I feel so guilty when I pick up a shift because I am missing time with them but my mom insists on me not feeling guilty because that’s what she is there for.
It honestly sounds like your mom doesn’t want to watch them and is hinting at it the worst way possible. Do you have someone else to watch them? I completely understand that it’s not possible to run with a one person income. I hope you find a solution, but just know, you are doing great! You are doing what you need to for your family and do not feel bad for that.

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It sounds like she feels too called on. I would be looking at outside care options and reminding her it’s none of her business

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Sounds to me like she doesn’t want to watch kids anymore… And this us her way of getting out of it. Time to find a new person to watch your kids.

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Sounds like your Momma doesn’t wanna watch ya kids anymore. She wore out. U need to find different childcare and give her a break.
Other than that what U do or don’t do with your kids in your home is really none of her business.

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Sounds like your mom is tired of baby sitting and this is her way of saying it instead of feeling guilty saying she just cannot do it anymore.

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The world you are raising your kids in is not the one she raised hers in. She’s being ignorant to your lifestyle. You guys need sleep or you’ll get hurt at work or worse. As long as your kids are safe, well fed and taken care of your “non traditional lifestyle” is just fine. If she can’t understand this after reminding her of this then she should just mind her own business

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She may be tired. When I started the job I’m in now, my rota was all over the place, I could be scheduled to work 4hrs but end up doing 8/9, going from one place to another, which was messing my mother around as she didn’t know from one day to the next when and for how long she would be babysitting. Doesn’t matter that the children are asleep or well-behaved, it’s her time and is still a responsibility. My mother told me to either cut my hours back or she was quitting but Covid hit soon after and I was Furloughed. When I returned to work I had to tell my employer that I could only do xxx amount of hours and certain days because it was too much for my mother.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, you’re doing your best for yourself and your family but your mother… I think… is getting resentful and instead of actually saying she’s tired or needs more time to herself, she has lashed out.

Maybe try and find someone else to sit while the children are asleep (I know it’s difficult, especially night-shift), or cut back slightly.
Just remember, your mother wants to enjoy her grandchildren, she has had her child-rearing days.

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Ask your kids how they feel and go from there.

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My mom use to do the same, so I changed my work hours (if I was unable to, I was going to find a babysitter that I’d trust). I soon never really asked her to watch my son and it got to a point where she started bugging to watch him. Now she watches him Friday nights while I work till 4am and I get him Saturday morning around 11am. Definitely helped solve the problem. She definitely missed my son once I stopped. It wasn’t to be mean, but I honestly thought she was over watching him and I didn’t want it to be an inconvenience.

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This only happened because the nephew didn’t want to stay. Her problem, not yours. Keep the job!!

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Don’t let her get to you, you know you’re doing well and your kids are happy and healthy. They are your kids and unless they’re in some kind of danger she needs to mind her business. You may need to look into hiring a sitter for the night shifts you work and get her out of the picture completely. As long as you “need” her help she’ll keep giving her unwanted opinions and feel it’s justified because she’s “helping” you.

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Sounds like your mom doesn’t want to watch your kids anymore need to find new arrangements because nothing will ever make the situation any better unfortunately

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Your mother is being unreasonable, but this is 2022. The village is gone and grandparents don’t help out like they used to. Sounds like a medical worker and probably a warehouse worker. Those midnight shifts are amazing but grandma is being unreasonable. She isn’t feeding or putting kids to sleep. Sounds like she don’t want to watch them. I had to change careers on a level because there was no way I could work outside of 9-5. I still had about 3 year left if I was going to do nursing school. So I switched gears and found a path that allows me to work 9-5. It sucks because I liked my field and the pay was nice. But I couldn’t risk situations like this. This new age village is the bare bones. You have to make due. Your mom is really judgemental. But I understand 100%.

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Your mom has already raised a family. She’s tired and doesn’t want to admit that she isn’t capable of being the family babysitter. Find a better option.

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Find someone else otherwise all your guna hear is moaning constantly, if she agreed to have them when she usually does then moans about it, find someone else I say I don’t see anything wrong with you’re doing

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I didn’t finish. But I would be upset if my husband was napping when my kids get off the bus. Mine are 12&6 and we love on. Short dead end road.
I also wait for them to get off the bus.
He better be awake to make sure they are least are inside the house. If he wasn’t out there waiting. Those kids are old enough to play quietly while he naps.
There not toddlers

She is so out of touch it’s ridiculous. Your kids are fine at 8 and 6 years old for one of you to sleep now and again if they have been taught properly, and it sounds like they have been. Don’t let her ruin what sounds like a very good thing, and a very well functioning home. Cut her off if you have to.

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Sounds like to me you need different childcare!

It’s always the ones who are jealous of your success that make the biggest fuss, unfortunately this more often then not comes from within your own family. Find other childcare options if possible, if not try to have a sit down talk with her and see if maybe hearing what she has to say will make her feel better.

It honestly really sounds like you are barely with your kids. People don’t usually tell the men to cut back because the men aren’t as important to the child as the mother(except extenuating circumstances), naturally.
I’d look for a job that affords me more time with my kids, personally.
If you find childcare, expect a hefty monthly expense to be added in most areas.

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Find someone else to watch your kids and stop worrying so much about what your mom thinks. Not her circus,not her monkies.

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Why don’t you bring in another baby sitter and cut your mother loose? Sounds to me like she knows to much about your business. Do you pay your mother?

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Sounds like she doesn’t like helping

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Find a babysitter. Let the grandbabies go visit Grandma. If you can’t afford a babysitter, SAHM.

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Sounds like your doing fine momma don’t stress over your mom . Sounds like you and E have a nice arrangement true partners :muscle:t2:. And your at work when there asleep and I’m assuming sleeping when there at school sooooo in not seeing the whole your not spending time with them .

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I don’t understand why she is giving you such a hard time being not there when your kids are asleep? You literally have them when they aren’t asleep, so what is she talking about? She doesn’t have to do anything, but be present and exist while they sleep, she could even sleep herself. If one of my daughters asked me this, I would do it for her in a heartbeat. It’s clear you are already sacrificing sleep and convenience to work at night for them, I can’t see how you could be a better mother. She has no idea about quitting her job and what that means now with cost rising, etc. I would personally find someone else and be blunt about how rude she is being and how she is clearly out of touch. Dont listen to anyone tell you that you aren’t raising your kids, because you clearly are and just because they stay with a sitter a few hours a day doesn’t make you less of a mom. No one says that about a father, they praise him for his sacrifice and all he does

I think your mum has felt taken for granted in some ways unappreciated and wants what’s best for her grandchildren you bring up other family members yet your the lucky one who’s mother has helped I don’t know many who be so selfless if not happy with her opinion may be find someone else it will cost more than ya mum and only be there for money as it’s there job appreciat your mum and her options

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That’s. Bullshit. Get. Another. Sitter. ,.and. Tell. Mommy. Dearest. To. Back. Off! Nicely. Of. Course. Bet. Be. Firm. She has. No. Cause. to. Say. That. Just. Be. Cause. You
Work. Alot.good. Luck. Hon

Soundsike time to change schedules and jobs.