My mom does not respect the way I parent

Being a single parent is hard but when the grandparent makes it harder by undermining your authority or just plain giving your child what you said they can’t have. My mom gives my boys everything, her world revolves around them. She don’t discipline them and when I try to she takes it away. She does not understand how hard she makes my life. She never really raised us. I mean financially yes but emotionally and physically no. My boys disrespect her, yell at her, make demands and she does it. I’m so tired of it. How do I get her to understand? She lives with me ever since my younger brother passed away 2 years ago so I obviously can’t distance myself. I cry at night at how disrespectful and miserable my teenage son is. I feel like a failure as a mom. I’m all alone and when I could use emotional encouragement all I get is how I’m so mean to him cuz I ground him and go running to him when he demands things. My mom’s words not mine. Any advice would be appreciated. I so much needed to vent.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom does not respect the way I parent

I would tell her if you don’t stop your gonna force me to distance myself and I don’t wanna do that.

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She lives with you, as in at your house? Seems like a simple solution then… “either you respect the boundaries I have made for my family or you get out”. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Can’t she move out but obviously keep the support from you? I can imagine the stress if I was living with my mother full time now being a parent myself, gosh no, nanny can have her nanny rules at her own house…

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Well the facts its the GRANDMA her job is to spoil them single mom my self kid get anything and everything from my parents but the fact these teenage children are disrespectful to her is horrible my kids would eat their teeth if they ever disrespected my mom that gives them anything and everything

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Tell her if she can’t respect your rule then it’s time to go your separate ways.

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No grandma disciplines grand babies

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Its your house…your kids…your rules…she can find another place to live. Toxic is toxic

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Let her read your post

You need to stand up for yourself. Backbone time.

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Tell her. Your rules or she’s out. :woman_shrugging:t4:

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Good for venting. Now tell your Mother to either obey house rules and reinforce your way of dealing with your sons or she may have to leave. Your sons are more important and need to learn to be responsible for their actions or they will end up in real trouble. If your Mother is able to live on her own so be it. Your boys need help.

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Honestly either really sit down and get her to be on the same page or have her move out. At this point you’ll be the bad guy no matter what so it’s a bad situation all around.
Maybe family counseling.

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First, let mom know it is time to go, Second family counseling. Third set rules, FIRM. DO NOT waiver from them. She is your mom but the longer she undermines you and tolerates their disrespect the WORSE it will be for you in the long run. You mention a teen, well teens are not teens very long before they hit 18 and are considered adults. Once they hit 18 they will not have to tell you or involve you in ANYTHING anymore…Which can have bad consequences and if they have no respect for rules or boundaries, life has a way of handing out the saying my grandma used to use of “A HARD head will make a SOFT arse” meaning if you don’t listen life is gonna whoop your behind til you do. You can grow up thinking you’re a tough guy (“hard arse”) but life can change that for ya.

Maybe you should both attend a parenting course together, then you will be a united front…

Speaking from the grandma’s side… you are the mom, your rules should come 1st. Especially if these are teenagers. Put your foot down. Living together it’s different, gotta back the mom up.

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You are definitely not a failure, ignore them & do not allow them to belittle you. Stand up for yourself & tell them their behavior is not acceptable at all & until they change their tune & start treating you with respect, they will not be seeing or spending time with your child. Period

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She needs to respect your boundaries or leave.

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Remind her that her role Is Grandmother not Mother and she is to immediately stop undermining you. Gods word says Children obey your parents and honor your Mother not do what grandma says. Tell her to stay in her lane you are the Mother now even if she doesn’t like it and you will do things your way not hers and she needs to respect that. I have a daughter whom has Blessed me with two grandchildren my role is clear I am a support system for my daughter and her husband and I will honor them by following the rules they have set for their children. Again my role now is grandmother not mother!

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Living with you means she lost the ability to be the grandma who gives the kids what they want when they come over. That’s no longer okay when it’s all day everyday. If she can’t respect your house and your rules then I’d be telling her to find a new place to live. It’s already going to be nearly impossible to get your teenager to respect either of you again after they’ve been able to get away with it.

First of all, I’d sit your mom down and tell her this interference needs to stop if she wants to continue living with you. If she cannot show you enough respect to back you on your decisions with your boys then she needs to get her own place. Being a single parent to teenagers is no joke and their behavior at home, especially towards women, will follow them their entire lives if you don’t put a stop to it now. You are not a failure. You have a hard job and your mom is making it harder. I’d set some rules and let her know you need her to help you enforce them period……:woman_shrugging:t3:

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My mom did this and worse. It got really bad. She thought she was the mother. I stopped all contact 2 years ago. Best thing I could of done. Get her out of your house. Don’t rely on her. Set boundaries

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My exes mom did this too it was horrible now she can’t even see the kids she was so bad

Find another place to live for her

You need a heart to heart with grandma, she needs to understand you are the mother you will not allow her to but in and have disrespectful kids!!! They need to respect you and the grandmother!! Your mother needs to back you up not show you disrespect!! Good luck!!!

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Why does your Mom live with you ? Is she disabled ? If she is not disabled ask her to get her own place. Your almost adult children didn’t just overnight start acting up. It’s not all grandma fault. Should have corrected them years ago. So why blame it all on grandma. Some of you mother think it’s all about your and your rules. So hard on your parents. Makes me wonder how you grown up to be so ugly to your parents. It’s never ok to let kids treat grandma bad and demand things

That is your home. Your mother is using you. Stand your ground and don’t waiver. Tell your mother you have a complete different way of parenting and her behavior is teaching your boys that it is ok to treat people and talk to them like they are dirt until they get what they want. Tell her you are raising young gentlemen and you don’t have time to deal with her!

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Find her a place to live elsewhere. Go to counselling with her

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She could either stay in her lane or get her own place. Those are YOUR kids.

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Your brother passed away 2 years ago. I can honestly tell you from experience, it’s an grieving process the elder( older) women go through. I went thru it for 5 years with all the grands. What you need to understand, our whole life with our lost child flashes before our eyes. We have some regrets, guilt, and " What if’s" . Amazes how some people just jump to " kick her out", " your child, your rules", etc. Sit down with your mom, and ask her about her thoughts, her scares, try counseling with one on one.

As for your Teenage son, if my son, tell him to show so respect, or send his hind end to a boys school ! That’s exactly what I done with mine!

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Ask her how she thinks they will be able to function in this world as disrespectful, entitled jerks. How long does she think they’ll last in a job if they sass their boss at work or expect to be paid for doing whatever they want? What kind of husbands and fathers will they be if they expect their wife to excuse all their bad behavior? No one will even want to date them. Tell her to think about the long-term consequences of her behavior.

Was her husband/your dad disrespectful to her? What kind of role models did she have growing up and in her circle of friends as a young adult?

I think your goal is to find other housing for your mom, preferably with housemates so she doesn’t get too lonely, and other people will act as a balance to show her different perspectives. Why did she have to move in with you in the first place? Financial or emotional reasons or you just found comfort in each other after the death of your brother?

BTW, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s devastating to lose someone so young.

In the meantime while you’re getting her out, get family counseling for everyone, and individual counseling also. She may feel guilty about not being there for your brother and trying to make up for it by spoiling your boys. Join an in-person parenting group together. She needs to hear from people she’s not related to about how destructive her behavior is. Grief counseling could help y’all, but her especially.

Does she have a job or hobbies? Is she responsible for your kids while you work? She may be bored and excessively focusing her attention inward on family. Instead of suggesting she get a job or join a group which can be misconstrued as nagging or complaining about her, get a friend or organization to reach out to her to encourage her to get involved and get out of the house. Encourage her by focusing on how she’d be filling a need to help someone else vs. it helping her. If she hasn’t a sufficient source of income to be able to live on her own, a job would be a priority, even a fun part-time one.

Schools are desperate to have help right now. She’d likely get training on how to deal with kids, either formally or on the job.

People test your boundaries so take back your power. If she won’t move, then break the lease or sell your house and you move. Once she sees you starting to take action she’ll have to react. Have a mantra you say repeatedly to avoid getting into useless arguments. “Mom, you undermine my parenting and I can’t have that. I’ve tried to work with you but you can seem to change so you can’t live with us anymore.” Or, “Mom we I need to be the parent and you need to be the grandma. That can’t happen while you live with us.” Then later, “Mom, we’ve talked about this and you know the answer.”

You will likely get pushback from your kids who like being able to do whatever they want. Remind them this is not how life works as an adult and if they don’t shape up they’ll be in for a world of hurt, disappointment and rejection. Ask them if they want to live with you forever or live their own, productive lives independently. Ask them if they are spoiled at school and what happens when they’re disrespectful.

Get the boys involved in a spiritual organization. If you have no religious beliefs, the Unitarian Universalist church might be a good fit. Boy Scouts and sports, and especially martial arts can be good for them too. The idea is to have other trusted adults in their lives reinforcing lessons of responsibility, courtesy, self-reliance, teamwork, skills and socializing. It also gives them a break from you and grandma and vice versa.

How has their uncle’s death affected them? They may be more scared than you think. Bravado can hide a world of hurt. Grief support for teens might be good for them.

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Call her out in front of them. Show them you won’t stand for it and are done and you are the parent

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You could try family counseling, but I suspect you need to start by moving your mother OUT of your house. Only then will she be forced to recognize the consequences of her behavior.

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Talk to your son. I think you have that authority towards your son and make him understand. Good vibes to you

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You probably won’t be able to do anything as far as your mom…. But that doesn’t matter. Your sons should be acting right regardless. And your still mom. Take away their phones, or put it on downtime if you need the to receive calls. Ground him. Whatever it takes and works. We would have gotten a hand across the mouth as disrespected someone like that.

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Either she knocks it off or she goes. TRUST ME.
You simply correct it, every time. Be nasty if you have to but make your point.

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Tell you she need to start respecting you and stop undermining your parenting or she need to move out

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Stop acting like a child put your foot down act like a parent

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Simple answer tell her until she respects you she’s not welcome in your home

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I understand what you are saying. I am a grandmother of 11 and would never step out of line with the way my children raise theirs. I follow their rules. I just want to be nana.not my job to raise them.o ly to love them all.

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She may still be your parent but its time to put that “My house my rules,” line into play, ask her to respect the rules and boundaries you put into place or she has to go.
Same goes for the kids boundaries need to be set whether your mom is their or not, sit them down explain these rules and boundaries and consequences that will come if the rule is not followed. Then follow through when they break a rule you set the consequence and you do not let up. To make it easier have them choose consequences they feel are still respectful towards them but also make them take accountability

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Call her out in front of them!!!

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You need to sit down with your mom and have an adult conversation…
grandparents are supposed to spoil grandchildren but there’s a point to it…
Don’t be rude to her tell her that you appreciate her being around and you know she loves her grandchildren children but she needs to start respecting your rules

Go buy the book Boundaries. Then read it . Put it into practice . Also read the book Boundaries for kids . I’m so sorry for I know how hard it is to be a single Parent. My folks backed me up ,
However 100 percent . Your mom is not doing you or your kids any favors .

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I a
BL, Grandmother-of 17 Beautiful Grandkids!, 5 of them dare Great Grand Great Children!Grands. a good Grandma I love, spoil,
play ,I’m fun to a degree but I’m also strict when necessary I believe in manners ,and respect !For me myself I would NEVER undermine the parents authority !I’ve had a few times I didn’t agree with one of our Adult children’s parenting ,But I have to bite it off NOT my place to undermine Mom or Dads authority ! Can you sit down have a good chat with your mother it’s nice she’s wanting to be a good Grandma,but she shouldn’t be under minding your authority at all.No Grandchild should disrespect their Grandparent either !I’ve never been disrespected (to my knowledge anyway :joy:). You’ve got to talk to her. and the kids separately , get to the bottom of it ,get it straightened out right away its going!It def will get worse and out of your control could even get violent !if u don’t ! Its teaching the kids they can treat ppl wrongly and your Mother doesn’t deserve

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I don’t agree with putting her out that’s still your mama. But I would suggest sitting her down and letting her know these are your boys and you raise them as you see fit. As far as your sons let them know you are they mama and they going to listen and respect you no matter what. It’s going to be consequences and repercussions if you don’t mind me.

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I have three daughters and my family knows not to intervene with my parenting of my daughters. Point blank period.

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Grandma needs a break. A long one

Family meeting…everyone sits at the table and they all hear your points and your rules of your house. What is and isn’t acceptable. That way they all hear it and on same page. Mom either accepts it or find an apartment. Kids follow your rules or they will be grounded and losing privileges.

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You could try a family meeting. Let everybody know the rules and that they are set. Also try to let everybody voice there opinion but not to the point the rules change. Set punishments for infractions and make sure there known and enforced.

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I went through a similar situation when my mother lived with us for almost 3 years. I would definitely draw a line and boundaries and be stern with her and stick to them. By now everyone in my entire family knows that my mane is on my kid’s birth certificates, not theirs, their input is not requested or needed. Your kids will respect you more in the long run too. If she doesn’t want to abide by your standards or boundaries then start discussing her available alternative options of living arrangements.

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Girl I am in the same boat wit mine. We got our a**** handed to us but not her grandchildren they can do no wrong. Try to discipline them, ha. But my kids r well behaved for the most part. 7 years age gap. My son is very polite while my daughter is a bit spoiled and tries to run the house at 6, not happening. Just putting it out there u r not alone. It is very hard. Esp when u were treated very differently than ur kids. Gl wit ur mom cuz that’s hard ASF to change.

Write up house rules on a big poster board and post it on the wall where everyone can see it, have a sit down with all in the house and explain that for now on those ARE, the rules. Be sure to write on another poster board the consequences of breaking the rules and post those also. If she cannot get behind you on how you want your kids raised, then she needs to look for a small place to live, that can be close so she can still see the kids but no longer interfere in how YOU want to raise your children.

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You’re an adult, BE HONEST!! You are her daughter, not her CHILD. Go ahead and let her know because she was not emotionally available or available in the ways that really matter to YOU, she has no right to those grandkids if she won’t respect your wishes, and respect YOU. PERIOD.

I’m not a therapist or anything but it sounds like your mother may not be dealing with your younger brother’s death so well. Maybe that’s why her world revolves around your sons and she does whatever they want. Also, how did your sons act before she moved in? Were they always disrespectful? My mother spoils my kids too but they would NEVER disrespect her because they were taught to have respect at a young age. Maybe you all should get into some type of family counseling.

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I feel like some of this may stem from her losing her child. Guilt. She wasn’t nice enough, didn’t give them what they wanted etc. ( My mom lost her son/ my brother 19 months ago.) It changes people.

You go low contact with people who aren’t respectful of parenting decisions for your children. And her behavior towards them is detrimental in their growth as humans. She can either respect the boundaries or she can leave. You absolutely can distance yourself. She’s a grown up… if you didn’t exist what would she be doing right now? She can do that! And everyone needs therapy to undo what’s happened. And it may not even be possible.

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Look her dead in the face and tell her “you raised your kids, let me raise MINE”. And that’s all you should have to say.

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Sweetie- you’ve got to get stronger - your house your rules. As far as the kid- you need to be the adult. Your a good daughter for taking care of your Momma by the way.
The only way of changing your kids behavior and your mom and s call them on it Everytime. Don’t threaten with something and not follow through - if mom butts in make it double. It’s going take a lot of patience and good communication- between all of you. Tell them you want a family meeting- jot down notes on how things are going to change and do it. There will be a lot of moaning and groaning but it’s your house your kid your mom - it is what it is - they can either work together or suffer together.

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Your mother is still grieving and perhaps has a twinge of guilt of not being there for u guys and is trying to make up to your children…it will get better…just stay strong

Sounds like she’s being self-serving at the expense of everyone else. You still have parental rights and her zero. I don’t mean to advocate for savagery, but I would confront her and let the child know grandma doesn’t have his best interests at heart :woozy_face:

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