Tell her show up or don’t. Plan your event, invite her, your part is done. She’s a grown ass woman. Not your problem to stress over. Sometimes it’s tough love!
If she doesn’t want to be a part then don’t force her. Honestly, how many holidays are there that require any “get togethers” anyway? Christmas? Thanksgiving? Maybe Easter, New Years, the 4th?? Just have her come over another time that is convenient to you. It doesn’t have to be the same time as your brother. He could have her over a separate time. If she’s okay with not coming over on the holiday (or near it) and coming over another time then why not just have her over whenever works? I really don’t see the big deal.
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My kids have a big family on their dads side. My granddaughters 1st birthday was a big affair. With all my ex husbands family. Weddings, funerals. Set a date for your get together n if she doesn’t come than that’s on her. I’m lucky in that I have Thanksgiving n Christmas with my kids. Just them. But we celebrate birthdays all together… in-laws, exes. It doesn’t matter. If they ask I show up. Because I will be there anytime I can spend with them. If your mom chooses not to spend the time if you ask then she has no one to blame but herself
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Hell i hang with my ex inlaws even outside of holidays even without my kids lol more then I hang with my own blood
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As someone with social anxiety… this is tough. I struggle! Not because I’m childish or petty like others have called your mother but because I really have a difficult time navigating the social scene. I’m very comfortable with immediate family but when it comes to being around even my other half’s extended family I’m constantly in my head. Afraid to act wrong or say the wrong thing… or to not say anything and then feel like no one really cares if I’m there at all. It is a constant whirlwind of emotions. It sounds crazy to some… and I get that. But it is something I can’t control. Being around your ex husbands new wife would be hard for me. Not for pettiness but just because in my head she would be judging every insecurity I have and he would be comparing us and In my head I would fall short. It really does have to do with anxitety, irrational thoughts and emotions and insecurities on my part. With all that said… I think you should invite her to your big family get together. Don’t guilt or shame her if she decides not to come… and do your best to accommodate time later on, even if it’s just a quick dinner.
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Invite her if she makes it great if not no sweat speaking as a 3rd married person with children from each marriage and in-laws also where one set of in-laws are not with it
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Tell her this is how I can get it done and if you don’t want to be a part of it then that’s on you 
I hate people that pull that bs “oh you have to be blood to be family”
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Just have the party when you want where you want with who you want. If someone doesn’t show that’s their problem.
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She’s probably still hurting from her divorce. Maybe talk to her about it and also ask her why she’s so against family get-togethers.
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Let her miss out 
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Invite her and if she chooses not to come that’s up to her, another idea you could have her over before or after the Holiday at your house for a meal.
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controlling is what shes doing and its time you took it back. Its her choice
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I loved it when our families blended together for holidays. It was wonderful to be able to see both sides of the families not just one side.
Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable in this kind of a social setting… Having social anxiety is extremely difficult … Please don’t make her feel bad … Just spend time with her in a setting everyone can enjoy…
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I’d just tell her this is how it is and you can choose whether to come or not
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That is why she is still single. She won’t let go or move on. They want the last day and control. I no what your going through if my mom hears me talking to my dad on the phone nice oh the minute I’m off I get an ear full. Oh you can be nice to him your treat him so nice and I try to explain he stays out of my business and treats me as an adult. So I give respect however my mom still try’s to control my life and I’m 60 she loves wen I fight with my husband and I told her do you get off on that and she said yes. I love her but her insecurities and control is bad that is why one sister has nothing to do with her. If having your in laws around go for it they are family to and if she can’t behave don’t include her
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Maybe your mother does not feel comfortable with her ex and his wife, just invite her, if she says no. Tell her we well miss you. If you change your mind let me know. And let it go. She has that right.
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It is her choice…Feeling forced to socialize is wrong…Let her stay home and respect her wishes.
Tell her to walk along or take a hike
Sounds like your mom had anxiety. I’d invite her Even though you know she isn’t coming. Then pick a couple holidays you dorms with just her.
I’d say invite her regardless and if she shows she does. Maybe some of the time you can do breakfast with just her prior to your dinner gatherings?
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Coming from an antisocial person, maybe she has anxiety about going to gatherings where she’s not comfortable and some people make her feel that way. I would just have small gatherings with her and people she’s comfortable around. How would you feel if someone said you couldn’t be apart of something unless it was on their terms? I would rather not go and miss out. I think my mental health is just as important. Unfortunately people only see one side of things instead of putting themselves in the other person’s prospective.
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Stop being childish,she won’t be around forever &then you’ll wish you weren’t so concerned about the others when she’s gone to heaven.
Have her over the day before for her time with your brother &your immediate family.
Grow up!!
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Sure am seeing alot of ppl with disrespect towards their mothers, giving all the bad advice here,sad very sad.
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Doctor phill reckons… Don’t go
then she doesn’t have to attend 
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My family is the best we have all holidays with all the exes we divorced each other not the child
It’s her decision. You and your brother don’t need to drive yourselves crazy to have multiple get togethers. Plan it the way you both want/need. Of course invite her and leave it to her. Can’t make everyone happy. She may have anxiety OR she just bitter. Sorry for being blunt. Either way, you do your duty to invite her and let her know she’s welcomed. It’s up to her to walk through the door.
Hope it all works out for you.
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Pick your battles
She feels forgotten, she wants her special time just with her kids, grands and their spouses…let it happen
…
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U just gotta start doing it n explain to her that’s how it’s gonna be. Sometimes change is scary for some people.
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I’m sorry too say this, but she is only thinking about herself, and her comfort zone. Its incredibly selfish. It truly is unfortunate when a mother wants what’s best for herself, and not her children. You need too do what is best for you and your brother. If she can’t accept the invite on the invites terms than its on her if she makes it or not.
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Make what she wants happen at least once, an antisocial person won’t change overnight.
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All you can do is invite her. If she doesn’t come that’s on her. I’m not a people person but when it come to my kids I go to family gatherings even if no one talks to me. I spent Christmas at my ex-husband house lat his and his wife’s request because one of our sons and his family was staying with them and this way our grandson wouldn’t have to be brought out in the cold air. Most celebrations are held at our oldest sons house and there are never any issues. I even stay at my ex-husband house when they go camping to house sit and dog sit for them. Even if we didn’t get along we would make it work because it’s not about us it’s about our kids and grandkids. You and your brother have done your part by inviting her. It’s not on y’all after that. Your mom is grown and has to live with her decisions. Y’all have nothing to feel guilty about. Y’all do you and let your mom do her. I wish y’all all the best and god bless .
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Stop trying to please everybody. Do yourself a favour. Organise a family event and those who wanna come, come and those who don’t dont. Their loss, u never going to please everybody
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Make her birthday all about her but other holidays are for all family. Whether she chooses to attend will be her decision. This would be one thing if the divorce was new but 25 years is enough time to come up with a plan to process holidays for the benefit of shared children and grandchildren. She is the only one here with an issue so making everyone else jump through hoops to accommodate her is insane
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom refuses to have get togethers with my in laws: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
You just described my mom to a t. My sister and I have to plan a separate day for her. We gave up after years of trying. She wouldn’t budge, so we gave in, and we see her separate from everyone else. She doesn’t like doing things if she’s not in control of the situation. Good luck. I hope you can figure something out that works for your family.
Plan it, invite her, and go on about the rest of your life. It’s her choice to attend or miss out. You try to please everyone and it’s not possible You do not have to cater to one bitter person.
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Mom will not change so don’t waste your efforts. Remind her how much she will be missed.
At this point she’s obviously being selfish, unloving & downright difficult. Don’t allow her immaturity to control your family functions.
Invite all.
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I don’t like being with a lot of people either unless she is just being difficult to ruin your holidays then maybe you should just make a day for her
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Plan the event ur way and if she dont show she just ain’t apart of it shes literally controlling yall and will continue to do so as long as u continue to give in
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Maybe it’s just me… But I would miss my mom so if I planned it n she didn’t come I’d probly just try to have a meal with her another day.can’t please everyone tho
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Could there be a compromise with maybe making one or two special holiday events small, and then doing the others with the whole family? Is there one holiday that is special for you and her? So like do a big Thanksgiving celebration with all sides, but have a small Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve with her? It can be tough trying to make all the family commitments when you have a large family (we have the blended part thrown in as well for us). But setting some traditions has really been helpful for us. That way everyone knows from year to year what to expect.
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Do it without her sounds like she needs to grow up and be an adult and stop being petty
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I agree just plan it…give her plenty of notice and obviously there are no overall issues between families. Or if she says she is uncomfortable for a long period of time invite her for dessert. 2 options that u offer so it’s her choice. Like someone else said tell her she will be missed and maybe throw in a comment that ur in laws were asking about her and was looking forward to seeing her. I could also understand if ur Dad and wife #2 r coming that would be uncomfortable for her.
Just tell her that as an adult she needs to suck it up, either come or don’t come. She can have mother’s day all to herself, but everyone is not gonna stress out on the holidays for her. She needs to get her pride on check.
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She either goes or misses out. Her loss.
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Toxic. She is being petty and ridiculous. Have your one get together when it is convenient and invite her. Her fault if she doesn’t go!
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Just on one of your visit tell we can do it then mom. If she’s been that way for years she’s not going to change goodluck
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I would always make a day before of after to visit and spend holiday time with whichever family member was feeling that way whether it be my mom or my aunt. For Christmas I would do either Christmas day or Christmas eve at my place then do the other at the rest of the family’s house. Depending on everyone’s plans
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Tell her to get on with her life and grow up already, you and your brother have! She is toxic and honestly sounds like a narcissist. Let her bitch and complain, either she acts her age or she doesn’t show up and ruin the day.
Just because she’s your mother it doesn’t mean you are required to take her shit and you shouldn’t feel bad or stress yourself because your mom won’t do things if they aren’t her way.
Honestly, she won’t change if that is what caused the divorce 25 years ago. There is no point trying to make it work with her on things like this. Only thing that can make that work is if she goes to counseling. But that doesn’t seem like it would be beneficial for her.
Honestly you need to down with her and tell her that it’s impossible to do separate parties or to work with what she wants. When you have jobs like that, its hard enough to make plans with everyone as is. Everyone is already making compromises. It’s a few times a year to enjoy family. And tell her it upsets you and your brother that she doesn’t want to be apart of your extended family
I wouldn’t want to go either if they don’t talk to me or give bad vibes. I feel that way with some of my own “family”.
Plan your get togethers and if she doesn’t go then she doesn’t go:woman_shrugging:t4: I wouldn’t cater to to please her and I wouldn’t expect anyone to cater to me except maybe my husband 
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Plan it and invite her. If she doesn’t come that’s her choice. I wouldn’t go out of my way just to please one person. No matter who it is. She needs to grow up!!
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Just arrange the Family get-togethers and if she doesn’t attend, that’s on her, not you!
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I would not make her. Just do something with her that requires Just those she wants to be around with and do one with the other family. Don’t make such a big deal and don’t make her feel uncomfortable. There is no fun wanting to gather people and have someone that’s important in your life not feel comfortable. Not fair for her.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom refuses to have get togethers with my in laws: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
I would sit down and talk to her. First, explain how hard it is to plan multiple parties when you all have complicated schedules. Second, I would honestly tell her you’re only going to be planning one party for everyone. I understand being upset about the divorce, but it was many many years ago… she needs to learn to let go so she can move on with her life. As far as her saying they aren’t family, they are. It is hard for her being anti social while having these feelings but she really needs to put her things aside because that’s not fair to put on you, or your brother. She needs to get over her own feelings & grow up. Suggest therapy… it’s not healthy to hold onto that for so long. She’s probably missed out on so much in life because of it & can probably give her activities/ homework to help be less anti social. & at family parties tell her which people to try & talk too that are nicer so she can practice being social.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mom refuses to have get togethers with my in laws: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
Fear of rejection usually illicits the type of response your mother has.
So have a separate celebration with her and this way she doesn’t need to compete with anyone as she gets to enjoy her children/grandchildren.
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I would tell mom that if she prefers to be alone with us we’d be happy to have dinner with her at the place of her choosing, her treat ! Doesn’t she realize acting like that just gives everyone the thought " that’s why she’s divorsed"
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Poor woman. She may not be antisocial but have severe social anxiety. She may not want to get close with your in-laws because she is afraid that if you divorce, she will suffer more loss. She may not want to drive after dark. Accept her decisions, but talk to her about them.
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If your mum’s going to act like a 2 year old then treat her like one, if she can’t get along with everyone else at your family event then she doesn’t get to come.
Invite her and tell her she either comes or she doesn’t but it’s not your problem and your gonna enjoy your day with or with out her
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Blood 
does not always mean family. If she wants to be a bitter b1tch then don’t even stress yourself over her. Don’t include her 
if she doesn’t want a part of it, oh well, her loss. Let her be miserably antisocial by herself. 25 years later, and she still wants to be a prude 
you and your HAPPY families don’t need her toxicity.
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Have you considered the fact that she may be a very introverted person and feels very uncomfortable with people trying to force her to interact with others?
Someone you call “antisocial” and has been for a long time, who obviously doesn’t like being in group situations like that… and instead of trying to show any understanding or empathy to your mother, you complain and expect her to do what everyone else wants because it’s more convenient for you, regardless of how she feels.
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Make time to see her alone you won’t regret it I promise you. Don’t blame her for being alone and consider that too is she alone and your other family has many? They won’t miss one more on a special day. We did that for my Mom and my husband and I never regretted it. After my Mom died we spent more time with his Mom. She understood
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I don’t think she is being antisocial I think she is still hurt and to sit in a room with a person she once absolutely loved and have to make conversation and also see him being kind and loving to another person is very very difficult
She does need to do it to get over him but making that step is really hard
Try talking to her and tell her you will be there and you totally understand her being hurt and afraid of how she is feeling
One day it may become normal but for the moment it’s really hard
You want to watch and listen you make your brain hurt
It makes you catch your breath it’s embarrassing it hurts and you are so scared of others seeing how you feel
I felt the same that’s how I know
I know it isn’t because I still care for him but because things still haven’t run their course you need to draw a line and move on
I’ve been remarried almost 30 years but a little bit of your heart is still in the past especially as they had children together
We all mix now and we are all fine but there are times when you get upset and angry
I did when our daughter got married and he made a speech
Just be gentle with her
And tell her you understand
Xxx best wishes x and please show her this xx
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My in laws have met my family maybe 5 times in 6 years. Unfortunately some families don’t come together in a marriage they stay separate. Not much you can do besides tell them how you feel. Maybe offer to host a holiday at your house and invite everyone
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You are responsible for your own happiness, do what feels right to you…your mother is doing the same…you are not responsible for another person’s happiness, even if it is your mother…she has made HER choices, let her live with them.
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Have one party and invite her. If she chooses not to come it is on her. She can attend and leave early or just may have a good time. Seems the gathering would be large enough she could fine someone to enjoy speaking with.
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Let her be lonely and miss out on everything.She sounds so selfish and self entitled.
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It may depend on the reason behind the divorce. Different feelings if the husband was having an affair with his now new wife. The feeling then will be different than if he met her after the divorce. As I don’t know the circumstances that is all I can offer.
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She sounds petty and is trying to make other miserable. Let her be alone if she is going to be pretty over it. The world doesn’t revolve around one person and we all have to suck it up once in a while for those we love.
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She could have social anxiety? Have you spoken to her about the reasons why she’s like that?
Some people just blatantly can’t spend time with people they don’t know very well because of their social anxiety. It’s not that they don’t like them, they just have minor anxiety attacks knowing they have to deal with people that they are unfamiliar with.
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It’s quite possible her reluctance comes from a pace of anxiety and discomfort. Some folks really do find even the thought of large social gatherings to be overwhelming and distressing. They become stubborn and prickly in efforts to avoid or control the anxiety of being among a bunch of emotional strangers. She might not be able to overcome it easily. However you can try to ease her up to it in small doses and enlist other family to help her feel more comfortable, or enlist her help as co-hostess to alleviate the anxiety. Otherwise, maybe offer her a little grace and try to meet her halfway with some sort of alternate family days. The calendar doesnt have to dictate when you celebrate.
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Plan your life accordingly knowing your mom won’t be there. Carve out time for her but don’t hold back on seeing your other family because of her. That is her choice so don’t feel bad about it.
It might not be a very nice get together if she goes against her will and there will not be good memories. ID just leave that one up to her.
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I would be telling her, this is her family too whether she likes it or not… and your going to be planing get together all the time, if she comes she comes, if she dosnt she misses out on everything (your kids bdays etc) I reckon after shes missed a few she will feel left out and decide to come 
Hope it all works out. Xx
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They are your in-laws ,not hers. She’s right they aren’t her family. If she doesn’t want to spend time with them she shouldn’t have to. It’d be nice if she did, it’d make your life easier. Maybe acknowledging how she feels and letting her know it’s ok would help. Maybe ask her to come as a favour to you… good luck 
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I think the son & daughter should sit down with their mother and talk about it. Acknowledge her emotional pain from the divorce & her uncomfortable pain to socialize with the in-laws. After they express their concerns & reassure to their Mother they love her & her happiness is important to them. And explain the reason for having the large get-togethers. It very well could be too much for her to handle. If so, set aside your issues & get together with her for a holiday & make it an enjoyable memory.
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Unpopular opinion here, but your in laws aren’t her family. I get holidays with large families are hard, but I wouldn’t ask my mom to spend a holiday with people that aren’t her family just to make my life easier, especially if I know she isn’t comfortable with it.
But only you know her and the situation. Personally, I would plan 2 different days to celebrate the holiday.
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Just keep doing what you’re doing and let her keep doing what she’s doing. She’s grown, she doesn’t have to accept your inlaws as her family and she doesn’t have to show up. You’re grown, you can do what you want for the holidays. No need to make it dramatic.
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It’s actually NOT her family…it’s yours. You’re not required to have two events to please her and she shouldn’t have to be with anyone she feels uncomfortable around and end up feeling like an outsider.
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“we will miss you if you do not come”
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Sounds to me like you’re mother has depression,and if she is saying that the in laws aren’t talking to her,you should listen,inlaws or people that don’t really like you,will only speak to you when you try and talk with them,or when they feel obligated to,it’s lovely that you want your entire family together,but not everyone is a people person,you need to respect that,she’s your mother and could be in a world of pain,and she won’t let you in on that,as for your father being with someone else, and the fact she never got with anyone else,that says to me that she’s still in love with your father,it doesn’t mean she’s bitter,it means she is crushed, but again she won’t show you that pain within,accept the way she is, you only get one mum,and depression is real
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You only have one mother. Is there any way at all you can find a date to just have your core family and let her know you may not always be able to do it, but maybe if you do one time, she will feel special to you and in turn, be able to be gracious about the situation in the future.
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make your plan and give her the invitation… it’s up to her to join.
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I’m from a very large family and so is my husband I have 4 kids from my previous marriage and now they are grown with each having 3 kids of their own to accommodate holidays they alternate one year I see them at thanksgiving and they visit the other at Christmas then the next year they visit me on Christmas and the others on thanksgiving we do Not separate kids birthdays as it’s about the child not the adults
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Sounds like its her last bit of control over you kids. Unfortunately her bitterness will only cause her to miss out on family gatherings and making memories. Mom obviously doesn’t understand that her married grown up children now have additional family. I would still continue to invite her to to parties and get togethers which gives her the opportunity to accept or decline, her choice and certainly not your problem if she decides not to attend. In no way should you feel any bit of guilt over it. She knows you love and care about her and you’ve done all you’re expected to do, which is invite her. Hopefully she’ll eventually come around and let go of the bitterness so she can enjoy life.
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She has the right to invite who she wants into her home! You have the same right in your home! When she invites you and your little family unit into her home that does not include anyone outside your home. If ether one of you want a family reunion rent a place.
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It’s not her family, I can understand. Everyone is picking on her, but is it so much trouble to visit your mother without in-laws ! You can say this year xmas with in-laws and next year with your mom….
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Honestly…I would tell her to kick rocks. If she wants to be bitter and live as a hateful person, then I would let her stay to herself. There’s no point in y’all having to bend over backwards to please her.
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I would respect your mom and make more of an effort honestly. She’s entitled to having her boundaries and it sounds like she’s clearly communicated them. It’s not ideal but set up separate times in a day say lunch and dinner or even take turns holidays maybe if it’s that important for you to see everyone.
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Mother’s need their immediate family, children. Grandchildren around on the big Holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. Compromise invite the crowd for birthdays etc. And tell her the plan
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My parents had a bitter divorce when I was 12. They didn’t really talk until I graduated college and got married. My mother came to all the family events with my sister and my families, even with in-laws and my dad and his new wife. That being said, she wanted a Christmas at her house with her kids and grandkids. Thank God we gave her one because the following year we lost both of our parents in October and are so happy to have given her her own special family time. Maybe once a year make the time for her to have you all to herself. Maybe she wants your undivided attention where she can relax and be herself in her environment.
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Send her an invite with a RSVP if she’s not happy she can stay home and miss all the fun, your mom should see someone to get her problems under control, I really hope she can find some serenity, and fined happiness! 
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I don’t think she means to be difficult, she probably doesn’t feel comfortable with all you in laws family.
My daughter would invite me to gatherings, but I felt over run by her inlaws. So I just wouldn’t go, not meaning to be a pain.
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How about not inviting her then if she wants to be a prude.
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Make your plans. If she doesn’t show up, so what!!! She’s acting like a child.
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