My mother-in-law said my stepkids don't count as my husbands real kids: Advice?

Am I over reacting because my mother in law doesn’t see my husbands “step kids” as being apart of Father’s Day. My husband and I have been married for a few years. He has 2 step children who he treats like his own. I gave him his first biological child this year. His mother keeps saying it’s his first Father’s Day and his step kids don’t count… I about flipped out because I feel like we don’t do step in our family. It hurts my heart for my other children who view him as their father. For her to continuously say it’s her sons “first fathers Day” just doesn’t sit well with me. Am I over reacting about this? I said something to my husband and he said his whole family is saying happy first Father’s Day. Why include the first in there? Just rubs me the wrong way… he doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal. Should I just ignore it and let it go or do I let my husband say something? Honestly it makes me not want her around his “step” children since they don’t count like his “bio” child…

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My mother-in-law said my stepkids don't count as my husbands real kids: Advice?

she’s rude. sorry you have to deal with a rude MIL.

Run don’t let her toxic ways make u feel that way!! All kids should be equally

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What a cheek she has! :angry:

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It IS his first father’s day… he has never been a “Father” before. Regardless of whether he acts as father he was NOT a father until he had a child…

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DNA doesn’t make a father. Period.

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Bye bye ugly hearted momma in law!

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Don’t listen to her. If she continues with opinion I would limit time with her…. Make sure you tell your husband, in case he doesn’t know she feels that way. And make sure she doesn’t tell this to the children, you are a family.

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Well it’s is his first fathers day. He might be a stepdad to your children but they have a father who would celebrate fathers day for them. Let him enjoy his first fathers day as the first is special

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I don’t make my son go anywhere, especially if I’m not comfy. I would say to definitely keep your 2 oldest away from your MIL if you don’t think she’s treated them fairly these last 2 years. I agree. MIL would only be able to see her grandchild. And honestly, it very well may feel like your hubby’s first Father’s Day to HIM too, even if he hasn’t said it. Are your kids father in their lives at all?

Shes an ugly person. A disgusting woman. You’ve got a good man there and those kids, a good day. Blood doesn’t make you family, only from the same gene pool.

Why are you taking it out on his poor step children ? They need all the love they can get Forget his family. It’s you and your husband that counts when it comes to those kids

No you definitely not over reacting at all. I would keep all my children’s contact with a Grandma like ti’s to a minimum

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I’d be mad. If he calls your other kids his kids then she and the family need to respect that and treat all of the kids the same and if she can’t then she don’t need to be around any of them.

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If he doesn’t see the issue with it then he really doesn’t treat them as his own. It’s not all her, obviously she is the issue but he needs to stand up to her about it too. My husband and his family treat my kids as their family, even the extended family. His parents, siblings, Aunts and uncles all treat my kids the same as they do any of the biological kids.

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I agree that all children should be treated equally… but maybe she’s just excited for her son to be having a child. Might not mean it in an as hurtful way as it’s being taken?.. does she do things with or include your children in everything else? Things to consider before getting too hot about it… but yes they should all be equal… but other generations and such… not trying to make excuses but it may just be over excitement… that comes off a little harsher then she intended… at least I hope.

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Why would she hurt the kids, Your husband needs to step up and put her straight

Eh. Don’t let it get to you. People say dumb stuff sometimes.

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Why do you care what she seems to think? Or what she even said? Those are her words, you don’t have to agree. You do you & don’t let her words effect you. Thats probably what she wants. Just carry on doing your family your way. She might not have even meant it to be as bad as your taking it.

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DNA does not make someone a father. “Father” is earned, not givin too.

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A step father is a father many times more than a bio father. The step father choice is to father while sperm should not be the makings for a father. I have grandkids and step grandkids and children I call all of them my grandchildren. My sons ex got remarried and had children and they are my grandchildren. This woman is going to give you hell to pay stand up now and then see what happens better to set a boundary now

Ok the fact she said they don’t count. Throw the entire inlaw away

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You are not over reacting

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I’d ask your husband how he feels ? Maybe (I wanna believe ppl are good humans) they’re trying to make him feel special for his 1st bio Father’s Day. There is something to be said about a man that can raise children like his own even when they don’t share the same dna. Maybe his family is excited for this…I can understand the frustration even if this was the case. It needs to be a conversation with your husband, then approach it together head on however you chose

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It is his first father’s day though. :confused:

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Stand your ground and do not allow your mother in law or in-laws to treat your children differently. He knew from the beginning you had kids and those children are a part of you, my family is mixed and we also don’t believe In step dad- step children we are all equal and have always been treated the same. If they respect that, then keep them away from your kids and from your new child.

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Second point… I don’t think she meant that they don’t count at all… I think she means they aren’t his biologically so this is in all technicalities his actual first fathers day… I really think she just chose the wrong words at the wrong time.

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MIL is being insensitive. Ignore her honestly. All those kids are yours and hubby’s kids. He took a dad role when he married you and im sure loves them as his own.
If MIL says this in front of the kids, tell her she’s rude and hurtful, that the kids do not need to feel out of place and unloved so mind what you say.

I think it’s more just a celebration of her being happy and proud of her son for having his first baby. As long as she includes and cares about your other children as well I don’t think you should fault this first special milestone for them. If she doesn’t love and include your other children on a consistent basis, that’s a conversation your husband needs to have with his mom about respecting him family.

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I think it’s more just a celebration of her being happy and proud of her son for having his first baby. As long as she includes and cares about your other children as well, I don’t think you should fault this first special milestone for them. If she doesn’t love and include your other children on a consistent basis, that’s a conversation your husband needs to have with his mom about respecting his family.

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Honestly I’d be more upset that my husband didn’t see it as a big deal. I have 2 younger “step-sisters” and I promise you anyone that implies they aren’t my dads real kids will get told something. I swear he loves them kids more than his bio kids. Lol :woman_shrugging:t2:

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It’s not the same no matter how u think it should be. It is the man’s 1st father’s day. That is his child, ur children r not his unless he’s adopted them. He is stepdad, not their father. U all r being petty, let the man enjoy it and get over yourselves, he told u it’s not a big deal.

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Need to say how you feel if not she will continue. Kids all have to be treated the same.

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Not over reacting - she’s a bit¢h !

It is technically his 1st father’s day. However she doesn’t need to keep making a point of it. She should just say Happy Father’s day and thats it.

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The child you two have together is their grandchild your children from previous might be grandchildren by marriage however the child you two conceived together is their bio grandchild and your spouses 1st bio child so they are probably just excited. I just gave birth to my boyfriends dads “official” first grandson his older sister from previous relationship has two boys however my son is his blood grandchild. Personally I wouldn’t let it get to me. How does your hubby feel

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I would sit him down and explain how this step kids don’t count thing makes you feel- and how it would make the kids feel if they hear it. Ask him to please say something to his mother before she hurts your children because that’s what I’m afraid is going to happen.

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Omg I am sorry but no matter what all the children get included there is no difference in my family they are my grandchildren and I don’t care who there father mother is they get treated the same they are my family

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i would just ignore it from the mother -in-law , you and your husband have your love for all the kids

People say dumb shit all the time! Don’t let it get to u! As long as your kids and husband understand this it doesn’t matter. Having your first biological kid tho is a big deal for him, and his mom. I mean and look at it this way, she won’t be saying this next Father’s Day! Surely she won’t make a point to say “this is your second Father’s Day” sooo I’d just let it go. Orrr instead of him saying something to mom, why not u explain privately ur feelings for the other children. Like validate her feelings and thoughts on the subject. I just wouldn’t make a fuss about it.

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Technically it is his first father’s day. The onus was on your husband to correct his family and say, actually it’s not my fist, we have been married for x years… That would have stopped his family in their tracks. But he isn’t seeing it as a big deal.

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Nonsense. Don’t bother about what his family says. The important fact that he n the children treat each other like their own. Let the barking dogs bark. The family is happy with u being upset n cause of friction in your home. Enjoy your life together

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His stepchildren made him a stepfather. They count. But there is a difference between loving a child after they were born and loving and being genetically connected to one since they were in the womb.

His child with you will always be his child even if the two of you don’t work out.

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I’ve been your husband! I raised 2 girls from 5 & 9, I didn’t have my biological first until they were 9 & 13 (now 20, 16 & 4) and my family were the same, same as hubby. While our girls will always be OUR girls, nothing can ever change that, it just hits so differently knowing you gave birth too one of them babies - especially after waiting so long for them :heart: it’s not about loving your bonus babies any less, it’s the appreciation of knowing you were able to produce one of them tiny beautiful souls :heart:

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First things first. Do.they exclude your children from anything else? Is it just the fathers day thats rubbed you the wrong way? It is his first father’s day. It’s not step daddy day. Do they all get included in Xmas and bdays and the rest??

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But they are not wrong , not matter how you feel about it , it’s in fact his first Father’s Day , his family wanted to celebrate his first bio kid , why take it away ?
Stop trying to create drama just because they see things different than you , what should matter to you is how he treats them

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I think it’s more the mom getting to see her own son with his own biological son. That doesn’t mean that your husband isn’t there for your children any more or less, but his mother doesn’t necessarily have that bond with your kids regardless of how close your husband is. I agree with another comment and ask your husband, and without judgment. If he too feels like it’s his first because this is his first biological child than he has every right to feel that way without it taking an ounce away from the love he has shown your children. I think if the children aren’t even phased by what’s being said than it may just be a sensitivity you have regarding the situation (which I totally understand I co parent and was a product of divorce I see all sides and completely can feel that emotion). That may just be a motherly instinct of you not wanting your children to be hurt by it. Your children my very well totally understand that it’s your husbands first newborn Father’s Day. Or his his Father’s Day AND his stepped up Father’s Day, or 2nd dad’s day or whatever makes it all inclusive for your family. I have a great stepdad, and my father is deceased but I have a great 2nd dad, doesn’t mean I love my deceased father any less and that he won’t always be number one. Blended families are hard enough, and if your family is full of love and support than it shouldn’t matter what anyone says MIL or not, just always stay United and nothing can stop you.

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When i was growing up my dad was my “step dad” and had been my dad for 13 years before my mom and him split. He finally had bio kids. But there was never any step in our family. I knew my dad i also seen my dad not there. I would go to him and my step dad was there all of the time. He was gonna adopt me the year they split up they had not got the papers filed before they split. My dad was gonna sign his rights over to him. I miss him i have seen him one time since he and my mom split it was him and his wife and thier daughter. For only about 15 mins. Now he has me and 2 lovely daughters.

Shame on his mom, she knows you don’t treat kids like that. Sounds like she’s taking something out on your kids due to a beef with you. I’d have a private conversation with her.

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Treat them all the same or don’t come around any of them. That’s just my opinion.

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Talk to yo hubby, and accumulatively put her in her mf place

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I can tell you from experience, he needs to have the talk! My father in-law was the same way, not only did he not count my son (my hubby claimed him as his own, my son even used my hubby’s last name & eventually legally changed it) he proclaimed another grand kid as his favorite in front of the others, the kids know, they feel it! Have the talk before the kids get hurt! If they haven’t already.

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His feelings matter not his mother’s. Ignore her and enjoy your happy family.

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Let it go. It is his first fathers day… doesnt mean he doesnt love your kids too

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That is between him and the children and absolutely no one else on this planet not even you. That is your children’s gift to give your husband, you and grandma are arguing over nothing.

It’s not a big deal- it technically is his first Father’s Day. As it’s the first year he has his own child. Doesn’t mean your children mean nothing to him.

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It’s what your husband and your children…ALL of your children, think that matters. Who cares what others say or think. Your husband was a father to them when their real one wasn’t. Even if the bio one was it doesn’t matter. They have 2 and they can honor both. Teach them this. That’s what’s important. Each Dad loves them. I’m sure they love them as well. I would however be weary about leaving all of them in her charge. Apparently she will not take care of them all. Sorry you are going thru this. Be careful how she speaks or teaches the you her ones or they will disrespect you and the older children. Your husband’s responsibility is to protect all of his family from toxic people and that includes Grandma. God bless.

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Why is she all
Up in his business
Good
Lord!!!
She needs to get a life

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Regardless of whether it’s his first bio kid or not, they definitely are being shitty about it, and your feelings are valid. Sit down with your husband, tell him calmly how it makes you feel. Tell him that it makes you also feel like they are invalidating how he has stepped up as a father for your children, when they should be celebrating that instead - he became a father when he stepped up, and you believe that should be recognized.

Then go from there, deciding together what to do about it. Whether to just ignore his family and celebrate privately with the family you’ve created (which is truly the one that matters), or to address it.

We don’t do ‘step’ in our house…we are all the one family :heart:

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Your MIL is a bit*h!!

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Shame on his Mum. Good on you as u knew he was a package deal when u married him and stepped up. If this is what she thinks do your own thing on Fathers Day with all his children and u both cause at end of the day it’s only happiness and love that should count not negatively.

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I think if your married and his taken your children on as his own then he just have a word with his family as when he married you he chose to take you all on

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Interesting how this lined up on my timeline. Show her how many people think what she’s saying is wrong. And hurtful.

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Awww that’s sad tell her firmly that you don’t agreed and you appreciate if she and all them mind their business .your home your life … So sad n hurtful

You are an amazing mom!

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My boyfriend’s mom did the same thing… but it was a little different because we had only been together a year and a half or so… it bothered me… but it literally happened ONE time so it wasn’t a huge deal. She was just excited and proud I think. She doesn’t treat our “step” and different than our “bio”

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We have never had “steps” in our house, they are all as one, ignore granny, if she brings it up again, speak to her quietly & remind her it is hurtful to the children, good luck

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Oh eww. Relatives. Sometimes it’s hard to change the way people think because they grew up & were indoctrinated a certain way. I would tell them off, honestly, because they would make your own kids feel insignificant in your husband’s life :broken_heart:

My husband & I are thankful that my parents have counted the stepkids (my husband’s bio-kids) amongst their grandchildren :heart: Especially since their bio-Mom’s parents have both passed away :broken_heart: With their open hearts my step-kids still get 2 sets of grandparents :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Ignore mom. She is choosing not to accept kids. Her issue. Don’t include her on Grandparents Day. Only from his own sperm. Oops, I mean child. I’d spare the kids the disappointment of not being accepted. Kids don’t make the “rules”. Her loss.

I wouldn’t give her a second thought as long as your husband treats your kids like his own it doesn’t matter what she thinks or says. I’d tell her to kick rocks

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Don’t sweat it! The more you place emphasis on what she says it will only let her know that what she says has control over how you feel.
Remind yourself no one matters except your own family unit.
You can’t change how she views his title only how you view her. Be the better role model for your own children and set the example you want for how your own children should treat others.

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Technically it is his first real fathers day. I see her point there. But that doesnt take away from the fact he acts like, and is seen as, your children’s father.

Id just let it go

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That’s just cruel. The more people to love children the better. You should bring it up bcos maybe she just doesn’t know she’s being ridiculous

Ignore it! As long as she doesn’t say anything to the children…leave it you can’t control how she thinks and feels about the prior children.
As long as she treats your baby well…
However that being said…you could very nicely when she says stuff you could remind her that although she feels some sort of way…that your husband and you view it differently and say respectfully we don’t view them as step children and you would appreciate if she didn’t discuss with your child. And not for nothing the fact that your son loves 2 other children as his own makes you love him even more and they paved the road to him being a great father to your child together! Good luck but don’t make this an issue with the mother in law.

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…why hasn’t your husband corrected this bullshit already…?

She is such a cold unloving person so sad she is that way,but sadder for the children. I would hope the steo Dad would set it straight to her.

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I see both sides of it. Yes, your newest and first child created together is a special milestone and he and his family likely do have special feelings about it. That being said the fact he has treated your children as his own and they see him as Dad speaks to how special he is. Not every new to the gang parent can or will take on that responsibility and do it well. I would let them have their first for what it is, but also have him address inequities going forward as if they are saying this now, likely you will be dealing with gift and acknowledgements being lop sided and so he should make sure to let his family know his expectation to be considered their Dad.

Family is not always by blood

It would bother me too she’s a rude mom in law

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My motherinlaw does the same thing my husband has raised my 6 year old since she was two now we have a 6 momth old and until he was born she was her granddaughter and all over her calling herself a nanny but now since our son was born shes only his nanny not herse anymore very hurtful

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You’re are NOT overreacting and those are fighting words from MIL. I would immediately put her in her place real fast, let her know crystal clear you WILL NOT tolerate any type of such nonsense about Father’s Day or anything else. Point blank. She refuses to abide then I guess she won’t be seeing y’all again. What a disgusting thing for her to say. Like what erase your children out of all the previous years they’ve been raised by him, as their dad? Nope. That would not fly with me.

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Happy Father’s Day to bonus Dad!

So cruel! My inlaws are like this and it hurts so bad. It’s gotten to the point I’ve had to cut all contact from me and our boys due to the amount of negativity amd manipulation they bring towards our family.

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Girl i agree with you. Say something! That just isnat right.

My husband has been a father to my oldest daughter from day one, and she has been accepted into the family like blood. We dont do “step” either. He has been in her life longer than not and her little sister doesnt know the difference.

Sorry youre going through this. It makes me upset for you. Please let them know how youre feeling, because yes, it is a big deal. A huge deal.

I’m in the exact same boat.

You can’t control how she thinks or feels about that. although, your husband should have a talk with his mother an let her know that she does need to respect that fact that he will see an love those kids as if they are his an he would except his family to do the same! He shouldn’t have a problem letting his mother know if he feels the love for the children are genuine. Let him talk to his mom about this an you let him fix it, now if she tells the kids anything then by all means let mama bear come out!

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In a world were divorce is very common and everybody wants to be nice I can see how you would be offended but technically it is his first father’s day. I’m sure they like your kids and accept them but I can see from his side how they are extra happy he FINALLY had his own kid. Because In reality if you guys do end up divorced,which is very common nowdays they would only still keep in contact with his real child.thats the only one he has rights to. You would take the others and he doesn’t have any responsibility with them unless he legally adopted them and the bio dad is no longer in the picture AT ALL. Your kids came idk at what age but this is the first time he got to expirence the pregnancy and watching this child grow from birth,it’s a whole other experience. As long as they aren’t mean to your kids I’d let it go.

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Oh my set her straight now it will get worse

Idk I see both sides :woman_shrugging: when I was with my ex he took my eldest two on for 2 years before we had our son together and I made a bigger deal about his father’s day that year than the previous as it was technically his first father’s day… He still celebrated Father’s day the years before but this time he got to start fatherhood from the pregnancy and up instead of older kids.

But there’s no need to go on about it being his first father’s day.

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I think your mother in law is a bit of a twat

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Sad! Don’t put up w her !! And diff don’t subject those children to that woman mental health is real

Your husband’s family are a bunch of assholes !!!

It’s up to your husband to address that with his family and set it straight. Not you.

I would say, pick your battles. This is 1 day. Now, if she made a point to constantly say step children in EVERY situation, I would have him say something nicely to her, like hey they are ALL my kids, and I would appreciate it if you accept it.

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Oh this crap makes my blood boil. NO you’re not overreacting and since your husband is being a careless jerk about this, I would not only say something to him but I would definitely say something to the MIL. How dare she be so hurtful and cruel and how dare your husband blow it off like it’s “NO BIG DEAL”. This has happened to my boys with my daughter’s family (different situation but samething happened to them). I hope you put your foot down and put your husband and your MIL in their places. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry for your kids too. Good luck!

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I would be very upset and feel the need to defend my other children. It is absolutely none of her business if he chooses to call your children his! Let him confront her or you confront her! What she’s doing is petty and believe me, she’s well aware of what she’s doing!!

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Just see less of her. If he’s taken on being their father then he’s a father. Pointing out that they aren’t biologically his and that these other kids don’t count is hurtful to the family unit. You shouldn’t continue to see people who are willing to play favorites just bc of biological material.

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