My mother in law treats my kids different than her other grandkids: Advice?

My MIL treats mine and her son’s children differently from her other grandkids. She has helped raise several of her grandchildren, and we thankfully have not had to rely on her to raise our kids; nothing personal, but they are our kids, and I want to parent them. She is always welcome to see our kids. I’ve made that very clear, but instead, she chooses to have very little to do with them, I used to send her pictures and updates on the kids, and she rarely responded, and when she did respond she would say she wanted to come to see the kids and every time the day came around she would makeup and excuse and not come over, so I stopped sending photos and updates. She buys lots of things for her other grandchildren and takes them to do activities, and never extends an offer to our children. My MIL and FIL are married, and my FIL is very involved with our kids and all grandchildren, which is great, but my kids are getting older, and I’m wondering what to do or say when they start to realize that my MIL is treating them differently than the other grandchildren.

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My MIL was the same with my kids. As they got older I let them decide if they wanted to visit her with their father. They were grateful and happy to have my parents to love them for as long as they did! She has passed and I doubt she regretted the way she treated them.

Be age appropriate honest and dont make or give excuses first off . Next you should be honest with her on how you view her role as a grandmother and ask her how she views her role in your kids life , it will be hard but dont be judgmental just listen to her interpretations and go from there . Honesty is the best place to start .

A couple things…numbering to keep thoughts in order NOT to be hateful.

First, why dont you take them to see her? She’s used to being asked for xyz from her other child(ren) so it’s entirely possible since you dont ask to bring she doesn’t actually feel welcome to come visit.
If you’re upset about the lack of relationship that’s the first step I would take to resolve the issue.

Second, you take care of your kids. You do for your kids. If she and your father in law didnt help with the other grandchildren it sounds as though they would completely miss out. The circumstances are different. Enough that I wouldnt focus on what they go/do/get for the other grandchildren.

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My in laws do the same. Doesn’t matter to my in laws. We lost a baby to sids and my husband didn’t hear from his parents for almost 2 wks then invited us to a party right after our sons memorial service… our oldest is also fighting cancer and they never try to spend time with him or ask how is. My husband watched how my family responded to my grandpa dying and has taken a break because of his family. He can have a relationship with them but as for me and my kids I don’t want them near them anymore.

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You say nothing, my kids have a whole side of family they don’t know, simply because they don’t care to know my kids… I gave up making excuses or trying. So when my kid says hey, whose that, I don’t even feel bad… I said oh that’s your aunt, or whoever.
Knowing your kids is a privilege not a right…

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Consider this: if she is raising the other grandkids and sees you doing a good job, she isn’t worried about them. Make an effort to see her, and maybe have a sleepover at your house with the cousins to give her a break?

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Don’t say anything. What’s the point in bringing attention like thst to your kids? Just stop reaching out. If she wants to be involved she will, if not, her loss

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My mil is like this. She has since been cut off from my kids. Older 2 are teens and want nothing to do with her. My youngest is a toddler and shes only ever gone out of her way to see him twice in almost 3 years. And her behaviour towards my oldest two was awful.

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Aren’t mother-in-law’s just great… ive always told myself I do not ever want to become one like this or other cases ive seen including mine. My husband’s parents live down the road from us and she sometimes likes to overstep her boundaries when it comes to my kids and what I say my rules are for them. My husband’s brother lives in another state with 2 kids my kids ages and she does more for them then she does for my kids on holidays and birthdays and just recently we had family come in from Georgia and she bought my niece a toy from the store and came over and gave it to her in front of my boys and got them nothing. It pissed me off.

Also theres a group called moster in law support group. Lots of people deal with this sort of stuff and more

Just some food for thought and I’m about to play Devils advocate but if she’s raising her other grandchildren, she has her hands full already. Not saying your children are any less important but she is probably exhausted raising the other grandkids and gets real busy. stuff like that happens. Why don’t you give her a break and take those grandkids off her hands for a night or a weekend and have a cousin sleepover? Have you taken them over to her? Additionally, she might do what you think is more for the other grandkids than what she does for yours because she doesn’t want the other grandkids to miss out on things simply because they are being raised by their grandparents.

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Ask her to babysit an odd day or night here and there, make her feel useful
She prob thinks you don’t want her to mind them
Could be wrong but worth a shot

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Since she helps bring them up she is closer to the others and knows them better. My Mom did the same with my sisters kids. They were very close to her and she to them. It didn’t bother me or my son though. Just go with the flow. My MIL we never saw but just a few times. Road went one way…her way. I sent pics until my son graduated then stopped.

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Abigail Weaver -thought you might want to follow

They grow up and make their own decisions. No losses for my daugter at 16, she wouldn’t shed a tear for most of her “family” members :woman_shrugging: I never ever said anything to her over the years, she formed her own opinionwhich is “If you weren’t there when I needed you, don’t need ya now”

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It is extremely difficult especially to comfort your child when they’re crying about things like this,it hurts you deep too.
I try to be as honest as I can being age appropriate and trying to not talk badly about them but just explain that it is absolutely nothing to do with them personally and let them know you understand they are hurt and their feelings are valid. I tell them it isn’t excusable so I won’t overly sugar coat it and I do admit I’ve stopped bothering to put the effort in anymore with people who can’t put it any in for my children family or not!!

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Almost the same way my MIL does my boys! My FIL passed away when my middle son was only 4 months old. She was great until he passed away. My boys are now 16,15, and 12 and get so tired of going to see her because she ALWAYS brags about the things she does for my niece. Her daughter has been in and out of jail and on drugs for so long but about a year ago ended up having another baby. Mind you my mil helped raise her oldest daughter. This baby is special needs as she was born with DS. I just hope my SIL has decided to be the parent this baby needs. But as for my boys, she won’t drive the extra 15 minutes to see them from my sil’s house, she doesn’t attempt to call them, unless she needs my husband to do some yard work or something then she tries to get him to bring the boys. They never want to go over there because they are tired of her bragging about what she does for my oldest niece, and everything they do they get yelled at by her or her bf. They have developed their own opinions of her but my husband blames me because I told him I’m not forcing them to go around “family” that is only their for them in their convenience. They are human too and have feelings as well. I will not force my boys to love someone who doesn’t love them or treat them as they treat their other “family.” My children are valuable and I won’t let them be broken! It’s their loss to miss out on a life or lives that are so amazing!

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Either :

  1. She’s codependent. She gets all of her self worth from being needed. You don’t need her, therefore she gets no worth from helping your family. It’s not paying her anything emotionally, basically, so why bother?

If the others can stand on their own 2 feet, but she doesn’t let them, then she’s enabling them by supporting them. That just continues their need for her, which continues her source of self worth.
OR
2) She doesn’t feel like you all need her. The others need her, in her view, so she spends her time and energy bailing them out because “they need her” :roll_eyes::roll_eyes::roll_eyes:

In either scenario, it’s not right and it’s unfair.

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The MIL treating our kids differently and disrespecting boundaries is why she is cut off from us and has been for a decade. Our kids have no idea who she is. Let those that love your kids and put the effort in be there for them. It’s not your job to make others be involved. Their loss. Enjoy your babies.

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Could just be she has a closer bond with the ones she helped raise

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As your kids get older…just be honest with them…on why??and all their questions…as for her leave her too be her lose…

If she’s not going to treat them the same as their cousins then just don’t even try. I had a grandma who did that. I started noticing in elementary school and it hurt. She would show up at my cousin’s house right down the street and I’d be so excited to tell her things and ask her to come to my house and she’d always have an excuse to why she couldn’t. Just keep that mess away from them. :pensive:

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We give more time n attention 2 the ones who need it. Ur taking good care of ur kids. Who would do these things with the other kids if not ur MIL? Probably no one. This is all those kids have.

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They will grow up and figure it out. You don’t have to say a word. It’s not the kids job to have a relationship with their grandparents. It’s the grandparents job to develop the relationship with their grandkids. Don’t sweat it. The kids will decide who they want in their lives.

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No matter what you do it will never get better… If she wanted to be in their life she would be! No amount of talking to her will help. You get to the point of just not bringing her name up. The kids will realize when they get old enough who was there for them. Tell them when they ask that she is working or she is busy and leave it at that. No need to break their hearts because she doesn’t love them like a grandma should. Be thankful for the ones who do!

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Tell them she’s a cruel person and it’s better for them not to stay away if she can’t love them when their little she don’t deserve them at all

As long as she doesn’t outright mistreat your children then i don’t think its an issue. If your kids ask questions then you’d have to comment. Is there anyway you can sit your MIL down and talk about what"s up?

My mother in law treats our kids different as well.

She loves them all the same but she’s not over the top involved and concerned with ours she knows we got this

If THEY really notice the difference and are affected by it then they should ask your MIL directly. She is the ONLY person that can give response on why she does the things she does.