Currently dealing with my niece whom is transitioning to male. His grades are declining and seems like his social life has become more drama filled and he puts a lot of effort into the drama. He doesn’t put forth in his one big chore and that’s taking out the garbage. Sometimes I ask for help with the littles. However, my biggest concern is his grades! All of his teachers have given him many opportunities to turn in past due assignments so he does not fail and can move to the next grade. I Constantly offer help but he pushes me away with many excuses. A little background, he’s mother didn’t overlook or help him previously with his academics. So here I am total different parenting style and he’s not responding well to it. Any advice? I can’t use my house my rules. I don’t want him thinking it’s not his home too (even though he is my nephew). I signed him up for homework club and he is beyond mad at me. I emailed his teachers to give me all assignments we can work on this break to catch up on. He’s upset I did that. Now, you may ask why did I let it get this far, he constantly was making excuses and lying. Plus, after working with his teachers more I’ve learned the system. Really seeking help on ways to go about this behavior. I have one child of mine own and fostering two others while being a single parent. TIA.
Sounds like the child is focusing on their social life and not the reason they are actually at school. So, either school needs to go, which likely isn’t the answer. Or the “social life” does until the grades are acceptable. If it were my kid, it wouldn’t be school that goes. If that means moving to a virtual format where you can hold him accountable, instead of in person, I’d be having that conversation with school to see if that’s an option. If it’s not, I’d be looking for other options in the district where it is. Not doing his homework is a series of choices, as is the lying about it, and up until now, he has gotten away with it. There needs to be consequences for the wrong behavior, not only the not doing it or turning it in, but also the blatant disrespect of lying about it to your face. Hold him accountable. He will fight you on it. There isnt a kid on this planet when given the option who would choose to not do it, or who wouldnt at least try to fight that kind of change. You’re going to get blowback. Expect it and work through it, and be consistent. Regardless of the transitioning, he’s actively choosing this, and has never had to deal with the consequences. Everyone goes through things in life, but that doesn’t negate any and all culpability and responsibility in all other aspects of life. In this case, actively choosing to not do the work or turn it in shouldn’t be an option. Kids need to learn how to self motivate and prioritize. Ideally, at a young age, where it starts in elementary school, being giving homework and tasks and making them earn the grade they get. And followed by active attentive parents who care enough to pay attention to them getting it done. Whether it’s school or home tasks, that’s your job to hold him accountable now. And unfortunately for you, his mother refused or couldn’t do it. So now, it’s on you.
Put it in perspective for later in life. What is he gonna do when he gets a job and his boss gives him tasks to finish before leaving for the day? Is his boss gonna say, oh that’s fine and let him push it off or never do it? No. They will correct it and set expecations. And if expectations arent met, that employee gets fired. This is NO DIFFERENT. It is a necessary life skill. Whether he wants to do it or not is irrelevant. Maybe if he repeats the entire year, he will learn. Sometimes they’ve gotta fail to learn the lesson. He’s looking at 40 years ahead of him where he will have to work and live an adult life. Bills need to be paid. Things need to be taken care of… not learning this lesson now means he will never have a stable job or stable adult life if he’s not taught to do the work assigned and held accountable when those standards arent met.
I do also suspect the transitioning may be just another excuse to get away with it, because that’ll make you back off and view it as a mental issue. Either way, it’s a choice. And choices have consequences.
Transitioning is hard in itself but some strict love by taking things away, counseling and grounding see if grades come up maybe look into a 504 or iep plan at school
Prayers for your niece! Ancestral is now Canceled in Jesus mighty name Amene
Hold accountable. If he doesn’t get his grades up to a passable grade ground him. You are going have to put your foot down. As right now he sees you as a push over. So ground him and stick to it. He has to learn that there is consequences to his actions
All the crap that being put in him as he’s transitioning, isn’t helping or healthy…
In my 22 years of parenting I’ve learned grades don’t really matter. Homework can actually be determental to a child’s development & relationships.
Grades- my boys always excelled in learning. My 3rd grader is scoring “off the 3rd grade chart” in math. He can do math problems pretty quickly in his head, no paper needed most of the time. He can do his 5th grade sisters math work. Yet the teacher gave him a 2 (we’re on a number scale instead of letters. A 2 is like a D). Her explanation is he does his math in his head instead of “showing his work” on paper. So realistically he’s more prepared for real life but she doesn’t care about that.
Homework- it’s just busy work. Teachers don’t want kids to spend time with their family or learn life skills. They want their lives revolved around school & structure. Most of the time it’s not even graded. Just marked “done” in their books. The excuse of “extra practice” is BS because all kids get the same homework. If it was “extra practice” kids who need it would get it but those who have mastered the skill would not. Also because they don’t check to see if the child is learning the skill. I fought with my oldest for years over homework. I was stressed by teachers constant harassment over it. All it did was make us constantly angry at each other, make him depressed. Forget that. His mental health is more important than a teachers need to control my child. The only times I make my kids do homework is if they don’t complete assignments in class or are struggling in something (teacher can’t do their job) & my child needs extra support in learning the subject.
Yeah you have a different parenting style than mom. He’s going to fight with you. I recommend counseling. It seems he’s gone through a lot. Being taken from his mom & whatever led to it. Dad choosing not to be his parent. Realizing he’s trans. All that along with school, social & other pressures teens endure. He needs a little help working through it all.
This is a awfully big transition for him, and I’m not talking about transitioning itself. I’m talking about going from one home to another, it may be talking a affect on him. If he’s not in therapy get him in it to help him with transitioning from his moms house to your house, new rules new environment is very stressful on anyone especially a child, especially one going through a ftm transition. I wish you the best of luck OP, this is going to be hard on you both! Take time and deep breaths it’ll get easier, give both of you grace! This is a hard time on you both 
Put the kid in therapy if you haven’t already. They’re obviously going through some things.
He is a she…and will forever be a she