No judging or bashing please, I’m 33 weeks pregnant and was having problems with my fiancé he drinks and comes home and yells at me and treats me bad. I have a 5-year-old, so I left and went to stay at my parents I told them this morning I wanted to work on my relationship and see if maybe we can fix it and they flipped out saying if I leave they will disown me and take me to court with my previous son to get custody because I went back. I’m under so much stress and caught in the middle of everyone. My fiancè swears he will work on himself but my mom who I’m close to said she won’t even come to my sprinkle and take my son I’m under so much stress due to this being my rainbow baby and a rough pregnancy, I’m so lost and depressed and don’t have anyone to turn to. Any suggestions, please no bashing I’m already beyond upset and being hard on myself.
Unless you guys are unfit, your parents cannot take your child. It’s just empty threats to try to control you.
Maybe your fiancé should work on himself BEFORE you try to make it work.
What exactly does treat me bad include? Has he gotten physical with you? They can’t just take your child with no real merit behind it.
Get you and your kids away from your parents first of all because what they’re threatening is just way more stress than you need to be dealing with and way too controlling of them smh
Dont let them control you. They cant take your son unless you or your bf are u fit and neglectful. Call their bluff. Only IF you think you and your bf are stable. If not, dont take him back. Don’t ever choose a man over your children!!
I’d have to agree with your mom here, you haven’t stated any positives about your fiancé here and that’s a sign
You left for a reason. Going back into the same toxic environment with no plan of counseling to rectify the situation is not going the end well. The problems will not disappear, and adding another child into the situation with more stress is definitely cause for concern.
No, your parents can’t legally take your child. But it sounds like they have his best interests at heart, and are concerned for the well being of you both. Think long and hard.
He drinks yells and treats you bad…hmmmm and you can’t figure out why your mom doesn’t want her grandchild around that?!? Need to worry more about a healthy environment for your kids instead of the D🤷🏼♀️
Maybe you’re parents have better insight and knowledge and don’t want to see you or your children killed because stats don’t lie and that what usually happens in these situations and it sounds like they are just trying to avoid a catastrophe by trying to protect you now instead of waiting for that something to happen and have to step in anyway.
Sounds like they’re being actual parents to you 
Choose your kids over an abusive relationship. They don’t change…will only say things to make you come back. Empty promises to control you. Kids come first and they don’t need to grow up seeing their mother being abused even if it’s only verbal. I agree with the parents. They are looking out for the best interest of the kids while your thinking about a man
Try to work on it before you get together again. We’ve had the same threats and I still have all my kids. We’ve been together 4.5 years now.
Run from that man u can’t change him will it get worse and u will b more dependent on him ur parents love u and ur kids
You dont go back to a guy like this. Let him fix himself first. Give him 6 months and if he did a complete 360 then maybe talk about getting together. I dont know why women thinks its ok to go back to a man over and over when he treats you like shit. If you go back to him now and he treats you the same, you deserve it. No crying or fussing after. You know what youre getting yourself into.
I hate to tell u this girl but I’ve been there. He won’t change on his own. And he will get worse. Throw that dude tf away.
They can’t take your kid if he’s not in danger. My husband was an angry drunk. Tell your fiancé to go to counseling and stop drinking. Mime stopped drinking and it’s been a cake walk! Much happier. I know they’re tour parents but if you and your son aren’t in danger then don’t let them push you around.
I mean either way you shouldn’t go back. Let him prove himself before you do. 
kinda side with your parents on this one.
It’s generally not easy for a mom to lose custody of a child particularly to garland parents. So that probably doesn’t need to be a concern.
The bigger issue to me is the fact that your parents would threaten you with not just disowning you but to threaten your child. That is abuse right there and that relationship and dynamic needs evaluated as much as the one with your fiancé. What happens when you give in to them? What about the next time they want to dictate your life? How can you live and be close physically or emotionally to people who threaten you.
I can’t tell you what to do about the fiancé but i commend you for trying to resolve that relationship if you feel it’s safe for you, your son and your unborn to do so.
But I can advise you that you need to set some serious boundaries with your family. Your child and their relationship with you should never be a part of a bargain or threat.
Your mom is right to be upset… it is one thing if you want to subject yourself to abuse, but kids don’t have a choice. It sounds like your mom wants to protect your son … and you too.
Maybe your fiance needs some sort of alcohol counseling and to work on his anger issues with a counselor. Maybe when he can prove to your family and himself that he has changed and is treating his family like he should, he will begin to earn back some trust from you and your family. Don’t ever let him feel like any of this is your fault. You are dealing with alot right now momma! You got this, embrace your families help as they only want the best for you and babies . Make him do the work to prove he is worthy of being your hubby and a fit father . Remeber though the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and getting the same results. In other words don’t let him keep telling you things will change, force to see the change or walk away. Your better then letting a man treat you like garbage!
Sounds like your parents have seen alot and been through some hard times putting up with him, and if so, You’re not telling it how it really is…they’re only looking out for you and your childs welfare. Id stay with them and let your fiance prove himself before going back. Maybe test him a whole year WITHOUT screwing things up.
I say you stay away until he PROVES he’s changing. Words don’t mean jack shit.
Your family is just trying to protect you. Take care of you and your babies and tell him when he’s proven he’s changed, you guys can talk about moving back together.
Dont go back he needs to fix himself and show for quite a while he has really changed before you even consider taking him back you need to do whats good for your children not just what you want.
You should stay with your parents and don’t go back to him. Seems like they care about you and the children way more
Dump the jerk. Listen to your mom. You can do better for yourself and your kids.
Having dealt with cops and abuse myself i can tell you that it is possible for your kids to be taken. Its not even a long shot. Ur babies and u are worth now than this girl. I know it’s hard but u can do this.
Don’t put yourself or your child back in a shitty situation. Wait til he works on himself and has something to show for it before entertaining the thought of going back. If your parents are that upset about you mentioning working things out, they may have legitimate reasons that you’re ignoring because of how badly you want things to work with him. Put your kids first. If a man can’t treat you right what makes you think he’ll be some amazing dad to them??
We all have our priorities in our lives. Yours is focusing on how to bring your children into an alcohol abusive household. I pray your parents never give your 5 year old back to you.
I don’t know what state you live in but they would be waisting their money. The courts are not in the business of dismantling families. There has to be grounds and the state would have to step in first. Like you or your husband are on drugs and they can prove it. If you are neglectful parent and they can prove it. The #1 goal of family court will always be reunification!! It’s a scare tactic, that being said. Do not continue to give them ammunition, they can turn around and use against you. Work on your relationship if that’s what you want, you have to make sure you are taking your children into consideration. If there is abuse of any kind to you or your children maybe that’s what they are concerned about.
Is it possible that your parents are responding out of fear, and are worried for the safety of your son? It’s extremely damaging for kids to be exposed to fighting or any form of domestic violence. We can’t change people, no matter how hard we try. Only he can do that for himself. If he is serious about making changes, he will do that on his own before he asks you to come back. Stay with your parents, in a safe place for you and your son, and give him some time to prove to you that he’s serious about making changes - before you expose your son to additional trauma.
are you unfit? is he unfit? If the answer to either of these is yes, you run a risk of having your child removed from you. YOU can control your son’s environment. I’ve seen kids taken away because grandparents were abusive—even when mom promises to move out of grandparent home. I’ve seen kids taken away because boyfriends were abusive, even if the mother splits from said boyfriend. They assume you have a choice to leave, and didn’t, putting your kid in danger.
That is a decision only you can make… I’ve been in a violent relationship (before I met my hunny and had baby)
It’s better to watch the change from a distance. I’d your parents are that controlling and you know this don’t tell them every single detail. If this man has laid hands on you from experience, it won’t be the first or last time… Remember you are raising future men! You want them to treat a woman with kindness and mutual respect us momas gotta show them that
Listen to your parents. Put your child’s needs first!
Sound like this boyfriend is a real winner You are better off without him.
No offense. But. They aren’t wrong for their feelings. Your fiancé… should absolutely show proof he’s working on himself before you even think about going back.
Anger management classes, AA with at least 3 coins accomplished, and proof hes ready to change and doing everything he can to make those changes and stay changed. That means time and a lot of it.
Your kids should always come first. It shouldn’t even be a question.
Why would you even want to go back to that? What is there to work out? Not a whole lot. Put yourself and those kids first. And when I say yourself first I don’t mean be selfish and go back to someone who treats you bad simply bcuz your lonely and have comfort there.
They can’t try to take them unless you’re unfit, but if you are allowing them to be exposed to abuse then you ARE unfit. Your parents have very real concerns. You shouldn’t try to bring your kids up in that situation. You have to protect them. An environment where you are treated badly is going to negatively effect them and you need to consider that before you put your feelings for this trashbag first.
They don’t change…and if it is coming dowm to choosing your abusive man or your child(ren) there really isnt a question here…or there shouldn’t be.
Parents usually know best even if we don’t agree. There is clearly more of a issue to cause such concern.
The drinking on it’s own is a big issue in front of your child. What his behaviour is like when he has been drinking could also be a big concern to them.
They’re trying to protect you. If someone called social services it would be strangers that end up looking after them of they got taken away. A lot of carers are abusive and the kids end up worst off.
How about getting him to do this so called work on himself and stay sober for a year at least before deciding whether to go ahead and get back together.
Even with the slightest doubt, your children should always come first.
Sounds like you got issues. Let’s turn to the internet for answers.
What’s is your sprinkle OP? You said your mom won’t come to your sprinkle. Is this some new age term for labor? I’m getting my sprinkle on!!! My baby will be sparkly come out and the heavens open up casting sprinkles in the bright white light between the legs of the mother! The OB Doctor says present “A Sprinkle Baby, first ever Sprinkle Delivery”
Tell me all about the sprinkle then I’ll give solid advice.
He will never change. Trust me. He might temporarily but he will go back to his ways. Been there done that unfortunately.
That’s sad I’d go despite her feelings you’re her daughter 
Look. I’m not nor have I ever been in a relationship like this. However I will say… He isn’t Worth losing your child over. I’d die if someone took my son. Good luck dear. And I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Don’t go back! You can’t change him! You deserve better! Been there, done that!
Why would you want to “ work on your relationship “ with someone who gets drunk and treats you badly ??? And with children involved ? He will start treating them badly too eventually !! - why take that chance ? Alcoholics ALWAYS promise to change …you should stick by your parents and stay far away from that guy . If not for your sake - for your children’s safety - they should be your absolute priority - above everything and anyone else .
You do what’s right for you. Follow your gut.
Parents only want what is best for their children. If you had a daughter going back to someone like him how would you respond? I’d be sraying with your parents until he can prove himself. Not only to you but your kids and extended family
Tbh I wouldn’t even think about getting back with him. He needs to sort his self out first drinking wise and his issues. Then maybe when u and your family see he’s trying to become a different person then see about getting back into the relationship.
Your parents don’t really have a leg to stand on to try and get custody of your son just because you want to try again with the dad. Unless there is reports of Dv or the kids will be at some risk with you both the courts won’t grant custody to grandparents just because you want to try again
While possible, but rare,…i suggest him proving he has changed before going back. No sense in risking it.
Actions speak louder than words. You need to tell him he has to get better FIRST, and only THEN will you consider going back with him and working things out as a family. If you go back to him before he gets any sort of help, he will most likely just go back to his old ways. He’ll think he can keep acting and doing the things he does because you’ll keep forgiving him.
Hes not gonna just change on his own. I would start going to professional counseling before going back into that and continue it when ur living with him again
Your parents feelings are valid. Do you want your kids to grow up in that environment? Would you be ok if they did that as adults? Which is more important a relationship with him or your kids? Unless they can prove your unfit they cant take them away but i would listen to your parents.
Are you able to support yourself and your children? It’s tough if you are financially dependent on others. Get some counseling to help you figure out why you want to be with an abusive man.
I don’t agree with threatening to take a child from his mother unless it’s an extreme situation… however I will say this: being a parent and being in a relationship are mutually exclusive and if being in a relationship is taking priority over parenting or having a negative impact on your parenting or your children’s wellbeing then you are obligated to pause the relationship and focus on your kids. They didn’t ask for the drama and chaos and complexity of your adult choices. They are entitled to be cared for and loved by their mother and if being in a relationship is more important than that, then own up to the fact that you aren’t capable of being the parent they need and make th needed changes to their custodial situation
Instead of rushing back because he said he would change, wait…
See if his actions align with those words.
Let him show you what he’s doing to change and let that action be in affect for some time.
This is a psychologically toxic environment to run back to with your child… I understand your parents concern. 
If you choose him over what is perceived to be the safety of the child, they will take custody of that child from you. I have seen this happen many many times in my line of work.
No! No! No! 
alcoholics don’t change until they hit rock bottom. I speak from experience. Move on! You are better without him I promise you!! If he is truly going to change, he doesn’t need you to stay to do that.
Try counseling and work on yourselves living apart. Your parents can’t take your son off.you so idk why they’d even threataen.yu. they sound just as bad as him
Dont go back to your fiance. No one should treat you that way.
They see you’re going back to abusive behavior and they’re trying to practice tough love.
Don’t go back. Get therapy.
The fact that your fiancé knows this is your “rainbow” baby, should be enough for him to realize you’ve been through enough, you don’t need the stress and should’ve changed a long time ago. Parents are only looking out for the best interest of you and your kids. I’d stay say until he has proven he wants to change. There’s a lot of programs he can admit himself into for help. That’s the first step sweetheart otherwise your going to be on this merry go round for the rest of your life. “Listen to your head, because your heart can be your worse enemy.” Good luck.
She can’t just take your son. Get a lawyer. Its not about the relationship or whatever…
Dont ever let anyone come to you and threaten to take your children.
Get your own place and away from that kind of stress. Look into an attorney.
If your boyfriend is committed to change he can still do so while you’re not living there for as long as it takes to regain and rebuild trust and love between you and with your parents. He is going to have to accept the consequences of his actions with grace and try hard everyday till you accept him back. Even if that means not as dating but merely allowed back into the lives of his children. Do not go back till you SEE consistent change. This is your duty as a mother.
Go on your knees and ask God to help make the right decision.
Stay with your parents. Don’t try anything with fiance til after he’s worked on himself. Don’t fall for pretty words and sweet promises. He needs to take actual action over time to show he’s serious about self improvement. I’m sure your parents are thinking about this same thing that he’s just telling you what you want to hear.
I’m in the same boat, I WILL NOT go back until he put in effort first, I’m not going to be manipulated and lied to again
First your mom is bullying you to stay with her. That’s not fair. She can’t just take your child away just like that. You need to do what is right for you and your children. In your heart you know what to do. Don’t be afraid.
Give him time to prove he will change. Stop believing words. Believe actions! Don’t go back until he has proven to you he has changed.
Yeah, your parents are trying to do what’s best for you and your kids but your too blind to see that.
Pray together on your relationship! Talk about what you both can do differently! Guide each other help each other if neither willing go your separate ways then!!
I’m not gonna say he can’t change because I’ve seen people do it. My sons father was a full blown alcoholic, drank from the time he woke up till he passed out at night, even drank while he was at work (his drinking was a big part of why I left) but he himself decided it was enough, put himself in rehab and is going on 5 years sober, great job, own place and 2 of his sons live with him and he gets our son any chance he can. But the key was it was his choice. If they do it because they are pressured or forced then most likely they won’t stick with it, they have to want that change. If your boyfriend’s abusive then you and your children do not need to be there period! If he does decide HE wants to make those changes then wonderful go from there but don’t go back off of promises, wait for the proof. Actions speak louder than words.
If a child wasn’t enough to make him change theres nothing you can do girl. Break up for now you need your family and maybe after some time he will realize what he lost and change. Pray about it.
She’s wrong for threatening you, but it is possible for a judge to do that if the child is in an unsafe situation. But im sure you would put your son first and leave if that were to happen.
My friend went through this & now has an open DCF investigation & court case going on. By you putting your child in that environment knowing how he is, your in the wrong & can lose your kids. As a mother its your job to provide them a safe loving home. No man would be worth my kids. If you want to work things out with him stay at your parents & let him prove to you he’s getting the help he needs. You have a son so he’s teaching him that behavior towards a woman is OK. A man who has alcohol problems can’t change overnight. He needs professional help. You can’t think about what you want, you have to think about what’s best for your kids.
Personally…I have never had any close examples of someone actually changing when they promised they would…matter of fact my a close family member kept believing those promises and wasted another 3 incredibly depressing, stressful and unhappy years with the WRONG person. Put Yourself, and your kids first. Your parents probably are seeing things from a different perspective and believe you deserve better…which is true. If yall are having that many issues and your not legally married yet…just imagine how stressful a breakup will be once lawyers are involved.
Do you have girlfriends you can talk to? What do they say? Make him prove to you he is going to change! And sorry unless yours or your childrens live is in danger and your over 18 your parents can’t live your life for you! You know deep down what the right thing to do is! Obviously you’ll have your parents support with the kids if you choose not to go back with him you won’t be alone!! Pray really hard about this! Message me if you want to talk about it more as someone not involved I may be able to help or one of the other moms!!
While her parents intentions may be good threatening to take her child is wrong and they can’t do it anyway.
Another thing people need to keep their relationship issues private for this reason
Why do y’all all seem to think that “trying to fix it” or “working it out” means uprooting you and your children… again… and running right back to him BEFORE HE’S EVEN SHOWN YOU 1 OUNCE of anything actually being different?
It sounds like he’s got some drug and alcohol abuse problems ALONG WITH abusive tendencies which usually goes hand in hand with emotional and mental issues and instabilities:100: So stay with your parents, where your CHILDREN ARE SAFE, and see if he ACTUALLY does a damn thing differently! And I’m not throwing out any advice I haven’t used:woman_shrugging: My husband and I have stayed together but worked on our situations separately and lived separately, more than once actually, and this last time, 6 years ago this year, we “split up” and checked ourselves in where and what we needed and put ourselves first:100: We’ll be 6 years sober this year and our relationship is totally different than it ever used to be as well. We are now in a healthy, loving, adult relationship, raising our children completely differently than what we were ever given and BREAKING THE CYCLES that have been repeated for GENERATIONS in our families:heartpulse:
If he’s not willing to get better then your son SHOULDN’T be around him, so I don’t totally disagree with your mom, although I don’t agree with her method here either but I have a sister in a dumb ass abusive situation and I have tried everything to get her to wake tf up so I get how frustrating ppl like you can be also. The best advice I can give you, and this is seriously the best thing you could ever do for yourself but for your kids as well… GET YOUR ASS IN COUNSELING OR THERAPY IMMEDIATELY:100: No man, woman, or anyone out there is going to truly love and respect you until you love and respect yourself, and idek you but I know you don’t love and respect yourself much, if at all. I was there too, I thought I was worthless so I deserved bad shit:woman_shrugging: But I have learned to love myself a lot more and I now know that I’m a great person, even with all my faults, although I recognize, acknowledge and try to work on those constantly!
Have him work on himself independently before you go back and do not promise him you’ll go back
If he isn’t working on himself now, he’s probably not going to do it with you there
I would stay with your parents and tell your fiancé that you’re willing to work it out but he has to prove he’s putting in the work first. AA meetings, therapy, staying sober. Only after he does this for 6-8 weeks should you even consider “going back”. That way, if he can’t keep up his end, you and the kids will still be safe.
Do what your mother tells you! You’re not thinking clear right now and she is!
Go back with fiance and get counseling.
As a social worker in CPS you’re kids would be removed due to emotional abuse and DV, it’s hard to prove the emotional abuse on court, but DV isn’t and it can be done, am sure if it came to it you would rather have you’re kids at the care of you’re parents then at a foster home. Now if you want to work things out with you’re fiance he needs to work on himself, maybe AA meetings and anger management issues. After he has done some type of counseling as well and if he does in fact change then all is good, you’re parents are thinking about the kids feature, you are a grown ass woman that is choosing to stay in an abusive relationship, the kids don’t and they shouldn’t. Think about the damage you are causing to their development
Hes an abuser. Never go back to someone who treats u like trash. They care about you and your safety. They are going to extreme measures to keep you and the child safe. Just because he SAYS “I will be better”…doesnt mean it will happen. Dont go back. Make him PROOVE he has changed. This will take time. He should get himself into therapy and quit drinking. He needs to work on his anger and figure out why he does what he does. This wont be something that will change over night. He can still work on himself with out u being in the house.
Take your kids and leave. He will never change. Your parents wants what’s best for you. He may not be physically abusive now but the chances of him starting are high. Please stay with your parents and raise your kids with their help until you’re in your feet. You and those babies deserve so much better.
Wow a family that threatens to take away your child and a guy that abuses you is definitely hitting rock bottom. I say leave them ALL behind and move on to greener pastures. I was in your shoes, I did exactly what I’m advising you to do…and I’d never turn back. I have two great successful adult children with no crazy hangups that would have happened if I stayed a prisoner to these vile people. GO…MOVE ON BY YOURSELF!
I would wait and see if he changed first. They all say they are gonna change most of them dont.
Listen to your parents
Make him prove his worth. Words mean nothing. Action speaks louder than words. Those children come first before any man. Period
You’re mom is trying to protect you and your children. You are clinging to the mere hope of a man changing. Ultimately, this has to be YOUR choice. If you follow your mom’s advice and he actually does change, you will be mad at her for impeding in your life. On the other hand, if you return and child services gets involved, you may very well lose custody of both of your children due to you placing them into a perceived dangerous environment.
Now… My grandfather was a drunk. My grandmother told him that she refused to be with a drunk. After one full year of being sober, my grandma agreed to date him and they ended up married. I don’t always believe the stigma of a person not being able to change. However, there has to be action to back it up.
Perhaps you can talk to your fiance and tell him that he has one year to get sober before you consider returning home or continuing with the engagement.
This would allow him time to join AA, Celebrate Recovery or another program where he can truly get the help to get and stay sober. It also would allow you and your parents to see if he is truly capable of changing. Added bonus, IF he gets sober and is able to do it for a year, your parents CAN’T get child services involved because he’s a drunk.
Be wise and think through your options 
He wont change. That’s the end of the conversation. They never change.
Your mom is probably right. If he is willing to straighten up he will do it with or with out you there. So let him and then he can prove it to your parents and you. Until then stay where you are.
What is a rainbow baby
Wait and let him prove he’s actually different.
If he is showing you with actions, like going to AA & staying sober than there is hope for you two. It can be done!
He’s not going to change, this is the cycle of abuse. Break the cycle. Do better for your kids.
He needs to work on himself before you try to work on your relationship. Your mom shouldn’t have done it the way she did but she is right that knowing your SO is abuseive and putting him in that situation even if its not towards him they might give them to her depending on the circumstances.
Unless he has gone to rehab and or get into a program there is no getting back together. He could work a 40+ hour a week job and be functioning.
He needs to get the dt’s out of his system then get his system on an even level. I would include anger management and counceling Until then you are spinning in mud.
Also, start getting your life together and move out ASAP. You do not need your baby daddy to do this. Your parents are to be in your life to lift you up and encourage you to spread your wings. You have a couple weeks before the baby gets here to get your plan into place. Unless your parents are controlling and narcissistic they will be glad to help you to do this. Do not sign any papers to give any control of your kids to your parents while this is happening. I have seen to many times of mommas saying now they can’t get custody of their child back.
How old are you? You have every right to try to save your relationship, your parents have no right to threaten you. As a parent you should always put your children’s best interests first. If your fiancé is causing an hostile environment by his words and actions then your son should not be exposed to that at all. If you want to work things out you should move out of your parents house and stay with a friend or find an apartment you can rent month by month where you can live with just you and your son until your fiancé proves that he has changed and couples therapy should be part of this process.
Alcohol doesnt make a person mean it’s just gives you the nuts to be who you really are. That anger doesnt go away if they stop drinking. They just become dry drunks and the meanness continues.
Stop believing his promises and see him for who he really is! He’s mean to a pregnant woman with a child in the house! That’s the definition of a dick!