Advice please. My partners family insists on going out to a restaurant for everyone’s birthday, on their actual birthday. Even if they are having a birthday party that weekend. The mom, the dad, each of their 3 adult children, the spouses of the children and the grandchildren, we basically go out once a month. My partner and I have a 5 person household which is more than anyone else and we have to spend $100 or more a month to accommodate this tradition. My partner insists that we should continue to go and if I don’t like it then I don’t have to come. I just had a baby in Jan and I told him if I don’t go my baby is staying home with me, I go where he goes. So we argue and I end up going to a loud restaurant with a crying baby, two young kids who fight or crawl on the floor, and the rest of the family talking to me while their kids are screaming or running around the restaurant. I absolutely hate it. It’s overwhelming, overstimulating, over priced. For my birthday last year I told them they can come to my house if they want and we will ordered pizza as a way to make it a point that I don’t like the tradition and to show them it’s easier to have it at home. This last bit is what really confused me, they never take the damn cake to the restaurant. We all have to drive back 20 min to his moms house and they do the cake there. This 2 hour event becomes a 4 or 5 hour event. I just don’t get it. My family just texts each other or calls each other or sends an Amazon gift like normal freaking adults. I didn’t mind all this before having a baby but now, give me a break. I’m tired and now I have to go out to a restaurant with a screaming baby? Leave me alone. Should I just let my bf take the baby or stand my ground that if I don’t go my son stays home with me?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My partners family likes to go our for birthdays...but I do not: Advice?
I think you’re just tired.
I’d let him take all the kids and the baby. You need a break
Just let him take the kids and you have You Time at home!! 
Nothing wrong with staying home alone and having a nice mama night…have a bath…clean the house if you find that relaxing
Let your boyfriend take the baby.
First off it’s his baby too so he should be free to take the baby if he chooses. If it’s not a tradition you want to be apart then stay home, don’t ruin it for him.
Id let him take the kids maybe he will see it from your point or maybe youll just enjoy some alone time…
I think you’re tired and y’all’s baby should be able to go with his father if the father wants to take him. It’s not just your child. If you don’t want to go, simply just don’t go. Don’t ruin it for your husband or everyone else just because of you.
You sound super fun. And that’s really disgusting to say if you aren’t going to baby isn’t going. You don’t need to go out for all of the cousins but I mean I would make the effort. You would want that made for your children….
At some point, it has to be a compromise. Your partner needs to consider your feelings in all of this and not just theirs. I’d make it a point to tell him that it’s not enjoyable in the slightest for you and point out the added stress it gives you. Everyone cannot coexist with chaos. I’d tell him that it genuinely affects you and that you’re not doing it. At least until the kids get older and are able to be independent and a bit better behaved. There’s nothing wrong with having him taking your older children until your youngest is bigger. Consider it a night for you to relax.
I grew up in a large family so this is normal for me. Your way is abnormal & weird to me. Some birthdays I go to, some I don’t because they are draining & I no longer let them pressure &/or guilt me into it. But let him take all the kids & you enjoy the evening to yourself. Read a book, go get massage, etc. Enjoy your few hours by yourself
You stay home and let him kids go be apart of that tradition and family bonding.
Plus you can share plates to make it cheaper. Order water to drink. Kids can have a plate to them shelves when they are older.
I get it, family of 5 isn’t easy especially at resturaunts or anywhere .take a break let dad be a dad without mom there .
I would let him take the baby and handle all the kids and take a break myself. I’m sure dad will absolutely love wrangling the kids. Maybe even see your side of the picture.
Normal adults ? Pshhhh i love traditions and I’m a normal adult . Its usually the families that are without traditions that are abnormal . It’s once a month , suck it up your children will thank you later .
Sure wish my family got together once a month. Seems like a great thing to take away from your husband and kids 
Id be staying home too. We barely bring my almost 3yo out, and if we do its very specific types of restaurants
Let him take all the kids! Stay home and relax!
Why wouldn’t you let him take the kid? Not only does the kid bond with family but it gives you a break to relax
Let him see just how much a pain in the ass it is. And if they are the ones pushing the dinner then they should pay the bill.
We all go out for our family member’s birthday it’s fun. I think you have a selfish attitude. Stay home if you want but don’t make your partner and child miss out on a family tradition
You stay home and let your boyfriend take all the kids! Win win.
His family is close and like to spend time together, I do not see the issue with that , if you that tired just stay home and let him go with the baby that by the way is his baby too.
But then do not complain when they stop inviting you or celebrating you
Let him take the kids. You stay at home & relax
It’s your birthday…do what you want but that’s his baby too and for you to say he can’t go is spite. Enjoy the break once a year.
I grew up away from cousins and I see the bond they have with each other and wish I had that. Be thankful they are not a family divided.
If I don’t want to do something, I just let my kids dad take them & I stay home & relax. We all need it sometimes, don’t feel guilty about it
Elly Wood I feel like she just told our story. 
None of these folks in the comments seem to understand that this is still a pandemic and I wouldn’t let my baby go to a restaurant because that is the RESPONSIBLE thing to do. And if you’re stressed by it, don’t go!! You’re not obligated, honestly. Lots of people have sensory issues and it’s not fun when you’re the mom and have to take care of the baby. It’s not enjoyable!! It’s just more work! No way!!
Hand them the kids and go to the bathroom. Relax.
I’ve never understood things like this. He’s a father. He’s fully capable of taking care of his children.
Women are the first ones to complain about not getting a break or frustrated over the fact their SO isn’t helping, yet this is why.
Help him get the kids ready and then tell them bye.
why can’t dad take baby if you don’t wanna go? will it hurt baby? no? you will get a break? I would have a nice bath etc. have a girlfriend over etc
Ur sounding like a selfish brat…
Weird that he doesn’t respect your feelings stay at home let him deal with the screaming kids
Just bc it’s not how YOUR family does things, doesn’t mean you get to kill the fun for everyone else. You married into his family & they’re also your family now. I would feel some serious resentment if my husband tried to dump all over a family tradition I had always enjoyed bc it was inconvenient for him to sacrifice a few hours once a month. This feels really selfish tbh.
You guys need to find a way to make it work. Occasionally. Maybe it’s more fun for your partner because he’s not making sure the kids are supervised. If he helped out and you felt confident that it was not a crying fighting shit show maybe you’d like a bit more. It is ridiculous that you go to EVERY single one. Try to discuss concerns costs and that unnecessary cake thing. Fine tune it so when you’re done eating then you can just go home. This kind of stuff is part of the magic of in-laws and extended family.
If your baby is very young here obviously needs to be with you. As he gets older, let partner take baby if they want to.
I wish I still had family to do this with. I miss goin out and enjoying everyone’s company
You should appreciate the fact that you’re in a very oriented family .I wish I had that 
Stay home let him take all the kids!! Might cause a bit of a issue (for me anyway 
my anxiety would be through the roof 
wondering if I’m the topic of conversation since I chose not to attend) but on the other hand 
you’d get 4 to 5 hours of alone time. I bet he’d skip the cake 
and get back sooner lol 
I understand what she’s saying though, it would be hard to have to budget the whole family every month, to go out to eat to a nice restaurant, a gift because it’s bad form to show up empty handed, if you consider it a celebration or event I can imagine there’s outfits involved like shit gets expensive, it’s not just time off she wants or is complaining about, she’s tired of spending their extra money on food, on always doing the same old same, she could be taking a vacation with her family, investing in her home, doing something that will be put to better use, she’s saying they can save that money. Not just her stay home or take the night to herself
He’s his son too. Stay home
And enjoy the peace and quiet
Really cause it’s both your baby why shouldn’t he beable to take the baby why must you call all the shots he’s right you’re wrong
That actually sounds like a really fun tradition 
it will get easier the older your kids get
I’d let him take all the kids and stay home alone and just relax
Let him take y’all’s baby, it’s his too right? Enjoy the 4-5 hours by yourself. It’s not worth the fight and the family get to see the baby. Easy peasy. Luck to you!
My family does this, it was overwhelming sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade that time for anything, especially now since my mom is gone 
This whole complaint sounds completely ridiculous. If you want to be a stick in the mud and try to ruin their family traditions YOU stay home and sulk and let that man take his children, including his baby, to go celebrate with his family who is obviously close and enjoys spending time together. They don’t need your negativity.
I think not wanting to participate is immature. It’s not about you. If you don’t want to go on your birthday then don’t.
Go and make him take care of the baby
Let him take the baby and take some time to relax!
You should appreciate the fact that his family even wants to be around you and celebrate you. I wish I had that. Once a month and 100 dollars? I mean seriously.
I disagree. This sounds like family been “family” and keeping a strong unit. Your children will be grateful for these memories as they grow. This isn’t about you and what you “think” should happen, this is you coming into another family and respecting their traditions!
I get it. But since you’re not used to it tell your partner you need a break and would like to decline going to every single event like that. Sometimes when someone is not used to it it can seem overwhelming.
Girl… pick your battles. Don’t go!! Let him take His baby and have to see what you deal with! His baby too right? Stay home say you don’t feel good and while he’s dealing with screaming kids and a baby not enjoying himself, you have a glass of wine and catch up on some shows! Take a bubble bath…. He’ll either finally see how you feel or he won’t and he can continue to take the kids lol Really not worth arguing over. However…. I think it’s kinda cool but being you just had a baby I can see how you feel too.
I’d stay home and keep the baby home with you! It’s ok if he wants to participate in it, but you should not have to. If you want to keep baby with you, that’s ok. While I’m seeing some comments about “take on other family traditions”, and on occasion, that’s fine, you don’t have to do it every time, and you certainly don’t have to stay the whole time. It is 100% ok for you to send your love, make SOME time for that part of the family, whether that’s joining them for the cake at home part of the evening, or something else, but relationships are about COMPROMISES, not always sacrificing, and you do NOT have to give up your life, your sanity, your mental health and your entire day, every time, for their traditions. I’m all for participating on occasion, but you shouldn’t have to all the time.
I’d say, let him take all the kids. But as a mom, I understand. I wouldn’t want my significant other taking my baby without me. So, you have a few choices. Let him take your tiny human. Go out to eat with the family. Or, stand your ground & don’t let him take your tiny human while you stay home with the baby.
It’s up to you. Personally, you don’t sound selfish, rude, or ignorant. Like these comments are saying. You’re a mom. Who feels overwhelmed, and you just don’t want to leave your baby. It’s understandable. Do what’s best for you.
Sure, let him take care of the howlers, betcha he changes his mind.
You will treasure this latter!
Let him take the screaming baby and you drink a glass of wine and take a nap…I used to do the “you arent taking my baby” girlllll not now, by all means, TAKE YO BABY and have a nice time. Let them pass the baby and other kids around. Let him see how you feel.
My advice would be I would let him go and take baby and the other kids you stay home and I could almost bet one night with him going alone with the kids would end it because he would have to tend to the kids alone
Maybe then he would understand
It does sound exhausting. It does sound nice too, because many people don’t do this anymore. But I would enjoy the time alone seeing as how you have a new baby and are already emotional and serving doesn’t help. Sometimes alone time is your saving grace. If they get upset by it, too bad. You feelings are valid.
I completely see your point. That’s a lot of money when I. A budget. Like you, my family normally send messages! When we do a birthday dinners it usually at one of our houses & we all bring stuff.
Grow up thank God you are so lucky
I’d let him go take all the kids. Go visit one of your friends. Or sit in a nice bath and watch tv
That sounds like a nice time. I understand feeling overwhelmed with it since having a baby though. You absolutely can sit one out and keep your baby home too. Maybe send a card with your husband apologizing for not being able to make it or something. Take a breather.
Wow. Such a hardship to hang out with family.
Boo boo🙄
Let him take the babies to the party and you stay home and get some rest and then he’ll understand how exhausting it is for you to have to go through this every month and he might change his mind and want to do pizza at home next month
I’m an only child. Hubby comes from big family. We celebrate kids birthdays when they were young. Now they are older I miss the HOUSE parties. Family is everything.
Let him take the baby and take the time to do some self care!!!
I don’t think you’re in the wrong, men typically relax in situations with this if the mom is there. Our brains are wired to be triggered by the sound of our crying babies.
If you don’t want to go then don’t, let him take the baby ( I’m sure someone will take care of his parenting responsibilities for him there while he relaxes).
ENJOY it. The kids are only that little for so long. Creating those memories is EVERYTHING.
My family is like that and I really enjoy it and so does my fiance. We enjoy being together. Being a mother of 5 I understand how hard it is to go out with all the little ones. If they aren’t willing to help with the kids you are completely in the right to stay home. Why though can’t he take the baby if he still wants to go? You are sounding a bit controlling.
I totally agree with you, been there done that…I’m done!
I breastfeed, therefore, my baby goes where I go.
I would be doing pizza & cake at my house. I wouldn’t go out to a restaurant every time it’s someone’s birthday. I could not afford to do all of that.
ESP with them having a birthday party too. Nah.
-Budget it into your finances. (To eliminate the cost issue)
-talk to them & when possible, ask for more private seating for your party. (To relieve the overwhelming, overstimulation)
- volunteer to be in charge of the cake so
You can bring it to the event. - there’s so much you can do to make it better for you and them all.
Let him take all the kids.
You stay home and have you time, tidy up the house & have a relaxing bath or even a sleep to refresh yourself.
See if he asks next time
Grow up. It’s a family tradition. Life is short. Make memories love eachother
Treasure the memories and the people wanting to spend time with you.
I can’t tolerate this,I have family members that do the same and I can’t afford it and I just don’t like going out anymore. Why can’t they have a small get together at their house why does everything have to be so over the top all the time.
Let him take all kids and you stay home!! It’ll be your once a month break, alone!
You need to get over yourself!
Btw how is it once a month? Like dang don’t they run out of immediate family members with birthdays? Lol Btw…… I come from a family that use to do everything together. My 3 other siblings their spouses and all our kids plus mom and dad. I’d give anything to have those days back… my moms not doing good, she beat Colon cancer but has other issues and early signs of dementia now. My brother moved to Tennessee with his wife and kids, everyone’s kids are getting older where we can’t drag them out… ya know they got plans 17 and up. Time flys and before you know it people have passed away and the kids are all grown up and busy with their own lives. Don’t push it away…. You’ll be sorry in the long run. I know it’s not your blood, but family is family and you’re lucky to be loved and accepted. My ex monster in law made my life hell and me and the hubs are divorcing after 20 years together. Family can make you or break you.
He’s the father right ? If you don’t want to go let him take his child .
I wish I had a family that did this. I’d gladly pay 100 to be able to celebrate and enjoy my family. Life is short.
I can understand where you’re coming from. Taking young kids to a restaurant is like herding cats. Add a tired, frustrated baby on top of that and it’s a recipe for disaster. And you are the one getting wallered, rumpled, and worn out. And if you express your frustration with the situation, you’re the spoil sport. I get it. So, here’s what you do. Before you leave home, drink a cup of chamomile tea. Take a Valerian Root capsule. That should help keep you calm. When you get to the restaurant, put the two young kids in high chairs or booster seats. Whisper in their ears that if they stay in their seats the whole time they can watch a movie when they get home. If they get down and make a scene, they get to go to the ladies room with you and get in trouble. And mean it. Tell them you don’t care what the other kids do. You care what THEY do! As for the baby, when he gets restless and fussy and starts to scream, hand him off to his father. Smile sweetly and say, “I think he’s tired of me. Why don’t you see what you can do with him?” I’m sure that will encourage dear old Dad to speed the celebration up at the restaurant and move things along toward home and the baby bed.
It. Ok. To. Say. No.
Make him go and let him take the baby. And maybe then he’ll be like yeahhhh that’s a no for me how’s pizza and cake at 5 at my house. He will
Not be able to get through that.
Make a family chat room or text chain and simply tell them all that it is a financial burden at this time for your family.
Your husband is right, you don’t wanna go great stay home. Correct me if I’m wrong but you literally said your tired. So, let him take the kids and you use that time for yourself. My family does this and honestly I will never get that time back from the people I love. This is what some families do, others do not. It doesn’t make it wrong! My children were small one too but you do and in the end these birthday dinners are memories for not only you but your babies! Sadly, you want your way or the highway, stop 
making all about you!
He can take the kids
You stay home and rest
Dam if you are that tired and bitchy and hateful I would leave your ass at home if he wants to take the baby yes let him it’s his baby too I hope you snap out of it if your like this now dam when you get old shit good luck to your boyfriend
It’s once a month, you’re giving your kids family time, you just want to be a lonely hag at home?
I think it’s pretty normal to go out to dinner w family for birthdays. That’s how my family always did it. I’d much rather be in the company of family than get a text message—but to each their own. Sounds like you knew this was part of the gig before having babies with him, so I’d either tell him you need to sit this one out cause you’re exhausted/need a mental health break or suck it up and go.
Family traditions are great and all but compromise works as well. There are people that are energy and time vampires. Let him take his kids and go spend 5 hours with his family and pick which celebrations you want to partake in
I think this is a fun tradition to acknowledge family on their birthday, but as your own family now, maybe you should come up with your own. Parties, especially for adults, don’t still need to happen in addition to a dinner that is already happening unless it’s a milestone birthday. I get the cake at home afterward since you can’t bring in outside food to a restaurant, but maybe that can even be compromised for dessert at the restaurant. If you want to save some money then share plates. Kids cry, but not forever. We’ve all been there. Treasure this time with your family while their still here. They want you to be included in the celebration. It won’t be the same without you.
Why not let him take the baby if you don’t want to go? Sounds like manipulative, control to me. If you don’t want to go that’s fine, but to not let him take the baby BC YOU don’t want to go? Crazy …
He can take all the kids, including the baby, and you stay home. Those children, including the baby, are as much his children as they are yours.