My son expressed that he wants to move in with his dad: Advice?

Motherhood
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Hi. My son is 12. My exhubs and I have an excellent co-parenting relationship even after he moved 4 & 1/2 hours away nine years ago. My son expressed to me that he wants to move there and just told his father last night idk how I feel about it, besides being resentful to my son and angry. Any advice?

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Have you asked why? It may have nothing to do with you. It could be something at school.

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You cant be resentful towards your son for wanting to live with his father.

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Well if you’re just feeling anger and resentment towards him no wonder he wants to go. Get over yourself and find out why you child would like to live elsewhere. Then let him go, because if you don’t he’ll resent you too.

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An open honest conversation with both your son and his father is where it needs to start.

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It’s natural for a boy to want to be with his dad during these years… if you can bare it, and his father is a good role model. It will be good for him. Children tend to model after the same sex parent.

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Oh hun, I know it feels like betrayal.

This will strengthen the bond he has with his dad, and maybe even you as well. :heart:

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Its normal to want to be with his dad. Let him go and experience it even if it’s for a year.

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He’s growing into a young man and at that age a boy needs his father more than when he was younger my son is 11 he spends more time with his father now and it’s ok

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I think as long as you all have a good relationship, you should let him. I don’t know why you’re mad at your kid… You say you resent him? He’s going to resent YOU later on if you act selfish.

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I would find out why. That really is what it should all be based on. If he is just mad at you and being a typical teenager than both you and the dad should agree to not let him have his way every time he gets mad. If he wants to go because he wants to have that relationship with his dad or something is going on at school etc I think you should consider it. I understand it’s hard to hear those words as a mom but I urge you to push your feelings aside to figure out the why

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Let him. If it’s a safe environment and your child will be OK, let him try it out. You can create a visiting plan and stay connected to him. In the end, it’s about the child being happy and well. Feelings come and go, try to see it from your child’s view point and the resentment will fade, the child is not doing it to hurt you.

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Let him go. Hes getting to the age he needs his father

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So why are you saying no? Is Dad not living in a safe environment or is this just your issues?
This isn’t about you this is about your child. At 12 years old he needs his dad. Let him go you guys on Christmas like every other dad does.
Stopping him is only going to go worse on your end then you’d think it would.

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Dont resent your son especially if you two currently have a good relationship. He’s 12. Boys go through a lot at that age. He needs the male influence. I’d definitely find out if the desire is for school purposes or whatever they might be. Also make sure your son understands what he would be leaving (i.e. friends, family if all are there local).

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I’ve been there. Both my boys ended up going to live with their dad. Their dad and I get along really well so not a problem. They still come and stay with me and I go to all of their events, text daily, and have dinner once or twice a week with them. They are only an hour away tho. The same sex parent is very important especially when the child is heading into puberty. Your child wanting to live with dad isn’t a knock against you. It’s a need they have. It’s hard to take at first but do not in any way make your child feel bad about it. It will get easier especially if you and dad get along well.

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It’s his dad, let him go.

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Children have two parents not just us mamas. If a man is around for his son and loves his son and his son wants to live with him then I don’t see that as an issue.

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Don’t fucking resent him. He’s trying to do what’s best for him. You can’t be pissed off by that. And don’t dare hold it against him.

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Find out why and let him have a trial period of it like during the summer. If by the end of the summer he wants to still move, let him.

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Your anger is misguided. You’re actually hurt. Its best to confront your feelings truthfully to yourself before you make the situation worse out of anger and fear.

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Please don’t ever say you resent your child. If you feel it he is going to pick up on it

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He’s a boy, he needs direction from his father. You cannot be resentful for that.

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I would give it a try and let him do it but make sure u let him know no matter what if he is ever ready to move back all he has to do is make sure his stuff is packed and u will go get him to move back.

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Don’t be resentful. Maybe he just needs his dad more now. It’s not a slam on your parenting. Talk to him about it and also the ex and as a family.

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My step son did the same only he came to live with us. Found out all the abuse he claimed he was enduring by his step dad was cleaning his room, picking up after himself and taking out the trash. He was lazy not abused. And a nightmare once he moved in with us. His mom wasn’t heartbroken she didn’t have to put up with him everyday , and majority of the time didn’t want him on her weekends.

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Let him try it for the summer
He’ll be back soon

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Why would you resent your son? You said you have an excellent co-parenting relationship, so what’s the issue?
Let him try it out. He will end up resenting you if you refuse to listen to him and let him live with his dad.

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Imagine how hard it was for him to tell you this. Resenting your child definitely isn’t helping the situation.

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The most influential parent is the same sex parent. I let my son move from ohio to Arizona to be with his dad. I wasnt resentful. He needs that father figure. He is hitting puberty. He needs his dad and should be with him.

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That’s the age he needs his dad. Don’t want to raise a man with female tendencies.

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I can understand the want of a boy to be with his father. Hes 12 and probably starting puberty. Just remember just because he wants to go live with his father and spend more time with him does not mean he loves you any less!
Also if he’s having trouble at school, or troubles with bulling he may just want to change his environment. It may be a little of both.
If his father is already good at co-parenting and he is a great father then give him a chance to be an even better one. Yes it will be hard but ask yourself what’s best for him?

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Summer is almost here. Maybe he can stay there a couple months and revisit the idea in late July/August.

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My son is 11 and I’m so afraid he’s gunna do the same.

I don’t want mine to because I have been here since day one and want to go through life with him until he moves on his own. I know he will want his dad too but I just wanna have him beside me so I know he’s doing great and happy. Just the selfish side of me. I understand all your feelings on this subject.

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Listen to you’re child !

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At 12/13 I switched between my parents all the time. (Mine are totally different reasons, mom was a druggie, dad was never home) it’s natural to want to experience how life is with the other parent, it’s nothing against you.

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Test it out over a school holiday or something, if he doesn’t like it n wants to come home then nothing needs to be changed like schools etc.
If u do decide to do it this way then dad needs to be on board and not let him treat it as though it’s a holiday for him

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You mentioned excellent co-parenting, seems like no biggie if the Dad can adjust to it. I’m sure your heart is breaking too! If his father is a good, adjusted dude then you’re both lucky, want not try? I hope you guys find something that works. Good luck!

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Don’t take it personally, he probably just wants to see his father more. It’s not about you it’s about his feelings

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This is literally the age where he is learning to be a man and his dad is his example. You said you have a great co-parenting relationship. That means your ex is the type of man you want your son to be like so let him go learn to be a man.

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Let him go. He’s at that age where he wants his father. Maybe during the spring break let him go to his dad’s to see how it goes. Good Luck.

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Be grateful they have such a great bond he still loves you but he needs his father too and you say he’s 12 so he’s probably hitting puberty you let him go live with his dad he can always come back if he doesn’t like you just need to make sure you make time for him and check in with him daily

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My mom always left the door open for us to go with our dad if we chose. When I finally went at age 15, I could not wait to get back home to my mom! As I got older I came and went as I pleased. One day a friend of mine took the 18 hour drive to my dads house with me. We got into town at like 3am and she asked me where we were gonna stay before going to my dads in the morning. I said we are going to dads house right now. (Dad and his wife were in another state) I have a house key. She was so shocked that my dad still made it a point to give me a key to his home, states away, and she was shocked that I felt comfortable enough to use it. If your son can have 2 homes, that’s 2 comfort zones for him. That means there’s always a place for him to go when he feels like he no longer wants to be where he is at. If you’re thinking of yourself as being left out, don’t! Just like you work to communicate with his dad, you will need to work to communicate with your son while he lives with his dad. Don’t be angry at him or resent him. He’s being a kid.

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Don’t be hurt, it’s a man/boy bonding thing. He is still your boy.

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You resent your son and feel angry about it? Really?? Damn… Its not like he’s moving to strangers or on his own🤣

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I would be heart broken . But my children know that they do have that choice . They have a hard time leaving me on his weekends to go to his house .

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Your not wrong for how you feel . but I think you do need to talk with your son an ask questions an let your son explain to you who what where when an y. An go from there.

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Let him go for the summer first!

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Dont be resentful
I believe boys need their father more even than girls need a mother. This is the age when a lot of young boys start to get in trouble with the law, in school, etc. Due to pushing boundaries and rebeling. Give it a try and see what happens. He will either thrive or want to come home; maybe even with a new attitude and grateful to no end for a mother that is just wanting whats best for her son. :grinning:

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Let him go. Hes probably hitting puberty and wants his dad. It’s normal. Especially if hes a great dad. How do you think dad feels that he lives with you? You’re just heartbroken but listen to your child. If not hes just foing to resent you for it

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Try not to take it personally… Boys need their Dads to model themselves after… Mine have never asked to live with their dad but if they did I’d understand & do what is best for them… stability & healthy lines of communication between both houses are what he needs

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I would let him go try it out. I made a very bad mistake of not letting our son go when he asked to live with his dad. To this day i regret it. It definitely left scars on my son. He just wanted his dad. Don’t feel angry or resentful. He still loves and needs you. Please be the bigger person and let him try.

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I would let him go for the summer. Odds are, cause he only visits his dad his dad is likely the ‘fun one’, no or few rules. So your son moving up there for 2 months in summer would be a good start cause it’s unlikely dad is going to be the fun dad the entire time. First couple weeks, sure but going longer nope. Grass is not always greener on the other side lol

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You are both his parents not just you. I’m sure it was hard for him to tell you that don’t make him feel bad. His dad has a right to have his son live with him just like you. What your feeling is selfishness for your own wants and needs.

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If your son is voicing how he feels and what he wants (and he’s not a baby , he’s 12) then let him go to be happy . If you try to hold on for selfish reasons then you’ll loose out on more in the long run

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Youre angry and resentful when he expressed his wishes to you? Let him move with his dad…

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I think she is hurt. I believe that she wasnt actually meaning she resentful. She probably does feel angered after all she has done her son. Nobody knows the back story of what all has went on in their lives.

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Dont be hurt mama. Hes at that age he can decide who he wants to go with and right now he wants his daddy. Doesnt mean he loves you any less or your not a good enough mother. My mother always told me I can go with my father whenever I wanted but I chose not to. But she still gave me that choice when I got old enough.

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Find out his reasoning and make a list of pros and cons for each of you and talk about them. Maybe his reasons are valid, maybe not. If they are valid, try it for summer or part of the summer, he may change his mind once he lives there instead of just visiting there. If he seems happy there, be supportive even though your heart may be breaking. He may end up regretting his decision and if so, you want to be there to welcome him back. Can you move closer to each other?

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Have you seen Reba? Well I love it and she goes through something similar and she let her daughter go but told her that her house was always her home and she could come back whenever she wanted :heart: she was still involved in everthing

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Boy that’s a tough one. I guess I can understand how hurt you must be. Geez, I dont even know how I would feel. I would probably cry my eyes out if my son ever came up with that idea. Maybe test it out for summer break. Let him go stay the whole summer to see how he feels. It will give him a couple months of seeing how things are there. Never know, he may change his mind after that. I feel for you momma. I couldn’t imagine going through that. Dont resent him though. I’m sure it was hard for him to tell you that. Hes probably worried that you wont love him with his feeling that way. Try to just be understanding. I know that’s hard though.

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I tried that he came back…

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Honestly if his dad is a good role model I’d let him. You can not teach a boy how to be a man. There are things you will never understand cause you are a women. He needs his father now more than ever.

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If he’s 12yrs old…legally he has a say in where he wants to be by talking to the judge in the chambers…im so sorry but its his decision now. What will prolly happen is he’ll move in with him. Don’t be angry and take it out on him cuz u want to still have a good relationship…sux but that’s the law…im a paralegal. U can try and talk to the father and ask to not have to pay the reversed child support. If u know its gonna happen then go to mediation and agree but without the child support payments…it’ll save u thousands…

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Everything looks great on the other side of the fence. It will be all fun and games to visit but if the dad is a responsible adult he will enforce rules which will make your son see it’s not always greener on the other side. Also as a boy he needs a man’s influence. Maybe he’s just trying to find someone to relate to. Hang in there and try not to take it personally.

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I completely understand the hurt but as they say grass is always greener on the other side. He is old enough to choose. Chances are once he goes to school there he may figure out there isn’t as much “fun time”!

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Dont take it personally. Let him go live with his dad. He is gunna go through a lot of changes and he could use his dads support.

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Have him finish this school year with you and let him go in the summer

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Let him and go to therapy visits :heart: good for your mental health and they have way better sound advice than Facebook members

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give it a try if the co parenting is working and he is a fit father why not ? Maybe your son likes a girl there or feels he needs more of a father figure at this time. cant be selfish - he may resent you one day. don’t be angry there may be some freedom you never thought youd like attached to it. I say try it for a summer.

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His age is a big factor

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My son did this too around that age because I am the meanest mother ever. Although his father and I get along fine, he isn’t around much. Had my son asked him to move in, I know his father would have said no, so I simply told him (our son) that wasn’t an option and left it at that. In my case, it made more sense for him (our son) to be upset with me, rather than heartbroken, thinking his father didn’t want him. Have you talked to dad? What does he think? Perhaps allow him to move this summer and see how that goes? I was raised in a split home and when I decided to move with my father because my mom had rules, it lasted exactly 2 weeks. No matter the outcome, in this situation, your son’s health, happiness and overall mental well-being need to come first. If dad is willing and able to properly care for him, perhaps the question is more of ‘why shouldn’t he be able to live with dad’?

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Is he wanting to move in with his dad to get more time with him? I know for my brothers they would rather hang out with my dad than my mom because theres just a bond between them and an unspoken understanding. Or is he trying to escape to get a different set or rules or atmosphere? Is it possible he is having troubles at school and wants to get away from them? At that age theres so many things that could be going on in his world to make him want to move, best advise I can give is to be open to what he is thinking and help in whatever ways necessary

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Beat some sense into the ungrateful little toe rag

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His dad must let him do whatever he wants , ask him why

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He’s 12 it’s a good age for him to get some time with his father it’s a boy thing he needs to be around his dad for a while

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It’s very hard to let them go. My son moved in with his dad who lives 640 miles away from me. It was very hard without him but we kept in good contact and after a year and a half he decided to come back home. Sometimes we have to give them that inch sometimes they take a mile and sometimes they give the inch back!

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Try not to be angry. Hes not trying to pull away from you. I bet he just misses dad. Co-parenting is sometimes hard. But 50/50 means sometimes they live with dad. I know it’s hard but it might be a good experience for him.

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I went into a deep depression when I was faced with this. However, I was in a bad situation and it wasn’t right for my kids. I held my emotions back and showed unconditional support and respect for their wishes. It was the right thing to do; otherwise, I risked resentment from my children. I didn’t want that

Your son is 12-years-old and is probably needing to be with his father right now for a variety of reasons. It’s painful, but let him go. They do come back.

Any possibility that you can relocate closure to your ex? I don’t mean two-doors down from him, but close enough for both parents to share more equally.

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That would hurt me too momma.

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I think if you guys have a great co parenting relationship you should slow him to it’s har he will always be your baby but if this is what he would like and their is no negative effect on him you should allow it he’s becoming a young man his dad will be able to show him things you won’t and being resentful towards him is not good for you or him you knew this day would come when he could make up his mind he loves you no less for this or you to him

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Let him. He should have some time with his dad and then hell come back. Never feel resentful that your sons opening up. He isnt just your son remember that.

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Let him as long as his dad is able to care for him. He is 12 and is old enough to make his own choice. Hes also in the time where he needs his dad more. If you force him to stay it might cause resentment and acting out. Maybe do a trial for summer see how he likes it he might decide he dont wanna go after all

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It’s a hard blow, but he has 2 parents. I would let him. It’s not fair to him or his father to keep him from spending more time with him. I would find out why though. Is something going on in your house that he’s not happy with? Or does he just want to spend more time with his dad?

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If they have a good relationship and dad isn’t abusive I say let him try. Just take whatever visitation schedule you have in place with dad and switch it to you. Is there any particular reason he wants to move? Doesn’t wanna listen…has chores…has rules to follow? If those are his reason I would say no because you have structure in place for him and he needs to deal with that. He will deal with “rules” all his life so might as well get used to it now.

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Why be resentful and angry at your son? HEs a 12 year old. He needs his dad!

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I decided I wanted to move in with my mom when I was young because I didn’t get to see her often…

Children will always want to go with the parent they see less because they miss them more.

I’m sorry you have to go through this, but what you are going through the grieving stages. He’s not leaving you forever.

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Well he’s a boy who’s about to be a teenager, so of course he’s gonna lean more towards his dad. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any less, but if you had a daughter who lived with your ex, more than likely she’d want to go move in with you. You definitely shouldn’t be mad at your son for wanting his father. Cause if it was the other way around, how’d you react?

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Try to keep in mind it is not your son you are angry and hurt towards, rather it is the situation. If you can keep your heart away from resentment your son will respect you better for it. Maybe not now, but this could be a pivotal point in your relationship together.

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I think you should appreciate that your son built up enough courage to tell you how he’s feeling. He’s a young boy who needs a father figure, naturally. Resenting him as his mother is shameful. It is not about you anymore mama. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s not like he’s saying he never wants to see you again. It’s about your son and what he needs. Let him try it out. Who knows, he may hate it and want to come back, but PLEASE do not make him feel bad about this. He will feel all of your emotions. Be waiting for him with open arms and remind him that he will always have a home with you.

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Do what’s best for your son, not what’s best for you.

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Let him but let him know he can come back anytime. All 3 if u sit down n talk … he prolly come back once the "funness " wears off

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I did the same thing to my mom when I was about 14. Grass seems greener type thing, lasted a few months and went back home to my moms. I would let him try it. Hes gonna give you hell if you fight him on it I think. It’s a rough age, they think they know better, they need to figure it out on their own sometimes.

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It’s hard but he’s at a time in his life where he needs his dad. He probably has a tonne of questions about what’s going on with his body that he’s just not comfortable asking you about. Just let him know you love and support him and let him try it

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I think he’s old enough to make that decision.

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I’d find out what the reasons are. Is it his idea or dads? Is dad promising him anything? It could be dad just doesn’t want to child support. I would also find out if dad is equipt to take care of a 12yo. Will he set rules, teach responsibility, keep up with school? The last thing you need is for him to go out there & get in legal trouble , fail out of school or get a girl pregnant in a few years.

My mom let my older siblings live with our father. It was the 1 thing she regretted all her life. They both hated my mom because our father was an asshole who made them hate her. She had very little contact with her after moving in with him. My sister ran around sleeping with anyone who would. Both became teen parents. My brother became a violent person who abused then abandoned his own child. I’m just saying know who you’re sending him with. It’s not selfish to want to raise your child right, with rules, respect & responsibility. If you’re teaching him that & his father won’t don’t allow it.

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I read most of the comments. They all are pretty much on point. Good role model, son getting older not unusual to make that request, but its going to hurt Mom regardless. If it has been good co-parenting all these years, that shouldn’t change! Honestly, I am envious bc it wasn’t anything but heartache & undermining for me & my son’s father. Best Wishes for continued success :exclamation:

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Most boys at that age go through that stage. My step son moved in with us when he turned 13. His mother and his dad and I lived 8 hours away from one another. We have a great co-parenting relationship and ultimately just want him to be happy. He came here and stayed 2 years and went back to his moms this year for school. At that age I think it’s totally normal for boys to wanna be with their daddy. The hardest thing for my step son was not wanting to hurt his moms feelings and not wanting to hurt his dads feelings. I think we have done great expressing to him that we are adults and we will miss him of course whichever way it goes but our feelings are not what matters, his are.

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It is tuff when your little boy becomes a young man! I also know how hard it is to “let go”, your feeling are soooo messed up… being afraid for him, not seeing him on a daily basis, worrying if he is eating right, getting enough sleep etc… he isn’t at home in his own room every night so you can feel comforted! I know I have been in your shoes… you have been his primary care giver for 12 yrs and to you,you feel insecure and abandon in this possible new role you will be in as his mom but he is now with dad! No shame in your pain… it doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you a human mom who has to let go earlier than you expected. Be there for him and just hang in there Lady … you have the strength to do what you have to do! Prayers and Hugs!

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He might want a male influence.bid try to make it happen for him

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