My son wants to live with his dad, should I let him?

My son has expressed for awhile that he wants to live with his dad and we have always talked about it. I dont feel like my son would get the best upbringing there. His dad is a good dad dont get me wrong we just have different parenting styles his dad is a more go with the flow kind of guy and im more structured. and i dont want to talk bad about my sons dad but he is a little irresponsible sometimes and I fear he wouldnt get my son to his appointments or remember to tell my son to take his medicine let alone remember to refill it. Im not perfect and i forget these things as well sometimes but i feel my son needs structure and routine since he has adhd

146 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My son wants to live with his dad, should I let him?

I would talk in private with the dad. Make sure you’re very careful on how you word it and how you handle it because you want everything to stay civil. You two decide together. 

1 Like

Nah, you feel that way because that’s your instincts but it’s probably not true. Maybe the way dad would parent is what your son actually needs? Let him, if that’s what he wants.

5 Likes

Some times a boy just needs his dad as well💁‍♀️

7 Likes

You have to let the child choose and make own opinions. We can not stand in the way. He will never stop needing you I promise!

4 Likes

Talk to the dad, give it a trial run maybe ? My 12 year old lives with his dad also has adhd and of course being a mom you miss them and want them home so bad, but dads deserve to have that chance also. Dads have just as much right as moms. But you can’t get upset because you think he will forget meds when you said you have forgotten. We are all human , we make mistakes, for get stuff, it’s life.

7 Likes

What age son are we commenting on?

3 Likes

Boys need men after a certain age.

3 Likes

If he wants his dad let him. He is old enough to voice for himself who he wants to be with. Stop making excuses

3 Likes

Should be your son’s choice, not yours. It’s his life.

2 Likes

Do what you know is best for your child. Your his momma,you know what is best for him.

He’s his dad and you thought he was this great guy before the break up. Quite sure dad is just as capable as you are to take care of his child. Let him go if it doesn’t work out make sure the door is open for him to come home.

3 Likes

Have a convo w the dad first & then w the both of them, that if responsibilities aren’t being taken care of then you will move him back w you. Give the dad a chance. Kids need their fathers & as a boy he needs his fathers guidance & he’s legit telling you what he needs. Teamwork :heart:

I would say it depends how old he is. If he’s old old enough to make his own choices then :woman_shrugging:t3:

3 Likes

I’d let him. You’re going to always feel like you’re the best. But maybe just maybe dad needs the benefit of the doubt that he can do all these things. You can’t deprive your child of a parent in that sense for too long. You’ll end up with your child feeling like you kept him. Instead make a plan with all of the parties involved about medicine and Dr appointments. Let the rest flow.

2 Likes

How far are you and dad away from each other? I would let him go but I would deal with refills,doc appts, and such myself. How old is son? Does he have a phone you can put med alarms on for him. Or text him to remind him daily?

1 Like

Just let him so it doesn’t cause more issues. Does he live in another state and that’s why you wouldn’t be able to still help with medication refills and appointments?

1 Like

I gave my son when he was 7 the choice as his dad wanted him to go live with him .but he chose to stay with me I just didn’t think I could have said no you can’t I would have been heartbroken if he had gone to live with him . But I let him choose

I think you’re being controlling and unnecessarily horrible to your son and his father for being selfish ultimately and not giving them the chance.

1 Like

Can’t expect someone to be a parent if you don’t give them the chance. Your baby can ALWAYS come home. I would say respect his voice in the matter and if he really wants to, let him try it out. Kids need leniency and structure. One or the other is just a recipe for disaster. Let hum spread his wings momma.

6 Likes

Yea right you are just selfish, get over yourself.

4 Likes

It’s best to discuss this with his dad and you two make the best decision for you son. When I was young and would get upset with my dad I went to live with my mom. Now that I’m older I realized my dad was the more stable one. My mom moved every so many months and just was an all around bad situation

Summer vacation is coming up, maybe try just for a summer and see how it goesm

1 Like

Your concerns are valid! Hey if my kid wanted to live with her dad I’d say hell to the no. Because of the exact same reasons you stated.

2 Likes

Just because he lives with his dad doesn’t mean that you give everything up. You can still make sure his medicine is refilled, you can still take him to appointments that he has. You’re still his mom. Co parenting. :heart:

5 Likes

Let him, I always wanted to live with my dad because he was laid back really no rules etc my mom was like a drill sergeant 24/7 well finally I went to live with him and within 9 months at age 14 I had a nerves breakdown didn’t realize how much I craved/needed the structure and routine that my moms house provided along with having reg Landry det and not using dish soap, having tp and conditioner (my dad was bald and my brothers had shaved heads so only needed shampoo if not body soap. Huge life lesson I learned living with my dad. I have adhd as well.

1 Like

I just don’t think you wanna give up control.

1 Like

Your not completely leaving the situation… :person_shrugging: Your still his mom, stay that way​:heart: regardless…

Here’s the thing if he lived with him then it would be up yo him and yah thats rough dudes often have to be reminded.

Of course your feelings will be hurt if he moves but give him the chance of course it’s hard but let him try it out

2 Likes

I would suggest using the summer break as a trial run. Maybe dad will surprise you!

9 Likes

Let him go. He will either love it or come “home.” And Dad may surprise you!

5 Likes

If you trust him with dad let him try a summer with him. He needs structure during his school year and maybe summers more relaxed will be good for him too?

2 Likes

How old is your child ?

1 Like

It looks like school let out so somebody’s available to start posting huh.

I went to live with my dad when I was 14 and had the best time. Let the kid go.

1 Like

Wow the amount of hate in your comments! I’m so sorry mama. Sometimes people are judgy. Without the age of your child I don’t have a sound opinion but definitely think it should be open for a discussion

3 Likes

How old is your son?

1 Like

You say he is irresponsible but yet you admit you have done some of the things you are concerned about with him…pot calling the kettle black.
Maybe just try some time over summer break and see how things go. You never stated the age of the child or how close you live to each other. If its a greater distance then try smaller times to see if it works.

1 Like

Okay so let him live with his dad if your worried about him getting to his appointments set it up with his father where you still take him to his appointments and get his med filled for him and as far as taking his meds help your child set a alarm or something so he’s reminded too take them. I’d assume you still get him some nights and days through out the month as well so I mean honestly I think you should let him if that’s what he really wants to do as long as dad can provide him with a safe home I don’t see the issue.

Let him. You’re still not giving up your role as mom, and can still make sure meds are filled and get to appointments.

Yes. Let him. Let go.

1 Like

How old is your child? And you would still have rights. You can make sure everything is court ordered. Let go for the summer,spring break and holiday breaks.

Let him try it for a few weeks or so or a month…then you’ll know. My son preferred to live with me!

All you can do is test the waters.

1st b glad the dads involved in his life alone men aren’t 2nd let him try it or he may resent u 3rd u.may b surprised *& he may not like it there *& may want 2 come back 2 u at some point

2 Likes

It’s a personal decision and has a lot of factors to consider. How could we possibly know?

How old is your child? Remember that kids are allowed to express their feelings and we need to listen to them and take their opinion in consideration but at the end of the day is the parents that make the decisions about these matters based on what we know it’s best for them. Your kid might not agree with your decision but it’s still your responsibility to make that decision on his behalf until he is old enough to make decisions for himself

Teens need their dad more……

What’s dad say about it? If he is on board with it maybe give it a trial run, as others have stated, and see how it goes. Dad doesn’t have him all the time so I could see how things could slip his mind or not be very structured at his house because it’s not something he’s used to. If your son lives with him it would probably be different. You won’t know unless you give it a try. Or maybe even try split custody and you have him a week and dad has him a week, back and forth.

Come on, majority of you mamas wouldn’t be practicing what your preaching if this was your situation

4 Likes

If he wants to then let him go

Is there a way you two could split weeks ? That way it’s not like he’s leaving you but not getting any time with his father either ? Definitely just remember your a good mom and try and give dad the benefit of the doubt . Sometimes the outcome will be better than you expected .

And a little more responsibility and independence.

1 Please make him pay child support. 2 Is he a compulsive drinker or gambler? 3 When you were married, was he in to drugs? 4 Does he have an adequate income to support your son? 5 When you were married to him, did he abuse you and your son? 6 Wouldn’t it be a good idea if you and your son took a piece of paper and listed the positives and negatives of him living with your ex?

2 Likes

Talk to his dad. See what he wants. Explain your concerns and co-parent to deal with that.
Have him put refill reminders on his calendar to an alarm. Text your son daily so he takes his meds.
I know it’s hard. It sucks.
But, depending on his age, he can make the choice. So, make it simple. Keep communication open.
Also, if dad gets overwhelmed, be supportive.

1 Like

My dad was my entire world and he wasn’t biologically my father, therefore my parents stayed together until I was 16 (for me only). I used to ask him before he legally adopted me at 14 if we could go and live together and legally we couldn’t. When my parents split I chose to stay with my dad and it was the best decision, ever. He was more go with the flow, but he took care of me better than my mother would have emotionally. Let your son go. He is expressing how he feels and if he truly means it and wants to live with his dad then he will grow to resent you and leave any ways at some point or another.

Tough call. A boy needs his Dad. Maybe the first year do summers and rotate Thanksgiving, Christmas and spring break holidays? If it works there will remain a connection.

1 Like

Whether you want to or not, you have to let him go. If you don’t it will come back to bite you…resentment would be a big one. Different parenting styles are just that, different. If he does go live with his Dad, you still get to see him and spend time with him. Maybe talk to his Dad about his forgetfulness. Maybe you can still take him to the doctor so you know what’s going on. Make sure to remind your son when to take his meds. Don’t drill him about things. He will openly talk about things if it’s just in a conversation.

4 Likes

Do you have a parenting plan? I’d go the legal route.

Do you have joint custody right now? I have bad adhd and these are traits I have too. Doesn’t make me a bad parent imo. But also until you’re given responsibilities you can’t learn to juggle them all.

I think listening to your kids in important but seems like a joint situation would be best.

What are his reasons for wanting to live there?

1 Like

Let him try, like a trial go . You may be surprised. How old is your son ?

How old is your son? Maybe he could stay with his dad for the summer when he doesn’t really need as much “structure” like he would during the school year?

2 Likes

If he’s a good and capable parent, then why not?
I hate when one parent (particularly mothers) say “allow”… like the other parent needs permission. So many good dads have to fight tooth and nail for rights to a child that belongs to them too.
If the child wants it, and it doesn’t put them in danger, then why do you get to decide?
Parenting is teamwork even when there’s a split. Send a gentle reminder about things that dad may overlook. Talk. Communicate. Work together. Maybe if it’s possible do more of a 50/50 split. Maximum time with both parents with minimal transition is proven best for kids.

9 Likes

Give his dad a chance

I would let him go and try it out. He may see that his Dad is different in his ways of dealing with him than you. He will make up his own mind whether he wants to stay or not. Hope you all work it out for your son’s best interest! xxxx

Fathers have the same rights as mothers. If your son expressed his wish that he wants to live with his dad, you don’t really have the right to refuse. Just because he will live there doesn’t mean that you are completely out of his life. You still can make sure that he has everything he needs, like for example reminding him about his meds.

8 Likes

I would let him because he will rebel if you don’t

1 Like

Maybe living with the dad would a. Teach him better responsibility and b. Show him what you go through. It can be a test situation like for a month and see how it goes:)

2 Likes

You answered your own question,keep him with you

2 Likes

Summer is coming up, it’s the perfect time to try it out, he living with his father doesn’t mean that you will be completely out of his life, you can still taking him to his appointments and call to make sure that he is taking his medicine, set boundaries and expectations and give them a chance

2 Likes

Sometimes a boy just wants his dad. My kids are crazy about their dad and always wants him it’s a good bond most kids don’t get that.

2 Likes

Sounds more like a power struggle than doing what’s best. You want your son raised your way, not his way.

I can tell you, I’m the laid back, go with the flow type, meanwhile my kids dad is strict with discipline and structure. The kids much more behaved when they are with me. They are more open and honest with me. They aren’t scared of me, etc. Just because he isn’t doing it your way, doesn’t mean his way is wrong.

7 Likes

Thats.a.hard one,my daughter feels the same about her son,and.his important medicine he takes, I feel bad for my grandson,his brothers have a full time Dad and my grandson deserves time with his Dad too!

You sound very judgemental

2 Likes

I would let my son go experience life there for a bit they will most likely end up back when they start to miss you

1 Like

How old is said son? Is he old enough to be responsible for his own meds?

First off how old is the kid??? Second off, just remember, if he goes and lives with his dad and lives there for 6+ months that is considered his primary residence and he can file court orders and even make you pay him. I’d be careful and make you and him go to an attorney and get paper work signed. I would think about y’all switching off weeks so that he is not able to to get primary custody. But if that’s what you want to do then that’s on you. Coming from someone who has experienced this, I’d switch off weeks.

4 Likes

I’m a mom of 6 boys when I divorced I made myself a promise. I’m a mother not a father and it’s not my place to keep the kids from their father. Just know your role and do your best . Your kids will respect you and thier lives will be so much easier and healthier.

3 Likes

Sooo is this about you or your child? I know it sucks but, who knows what can happen. If it doesn’t work, he can always move back

Try 50/50 and see what happens.

3 Likes

let your son go, but be there for him, take him places or go on trips if you can, But most of all, listen to him

2 Likes

Let him give it a try…he can always move back in with you and who knows…his Dad may just surprise you!

1 Like

Why does he want the change? Are you getting along? Is dad like Santa when he visits? The fun parent? My son went to live with his dad , court gave him physical custody and me legal custody. The end result was not good. Did not turn out the way he hoped. I’d want to know his thinking before deciding.

1 Like

Depends how old your son is & if he’s old enough to make thar decision. Maybe do a trial during the summer

3 Likes

Let me correct a lot of these phrases, “I fear he won’t get OUR son to appointments or remember to tell OUR son to take his medicine” until you realize he’s not just YOUR son, then no you won’t feel comfortable with him living there. He is the boys father and if his son has stated for a long time he wants to live there, the only thing that’s gunna do if you say no is cause anger and rebellion. My dad did it to me and I ditched home to live with my mom the second I turned 17.

4 Likes

I am a mum of an ADHD boy, they need more discioline and structure than other children. People should understand this.

9 Likes

Do you live close together? In the same school district? Why not joint custody? One week here, the next week there? The best of both worlds?

1 Like

Why not try a few weeks and see how things go…

If you live in the same area why not just do 50/50? Best of both worlds and just work together to give him the best upbringing you can doing it together but from different houses.

1 Like

Let him go. Regardless of his parenting style he is still his dad. Give it a try. Us moms will always want to over protect, dads want to be cool and tech them how to be a young men.
If it gets bad, I’m sure your son will tell you. The boys always come and tell their mamas.

2 Likes

I think every mother has that same mindset in some way or another, but let him go stay while schools out. See how it goes, could be a good thing for both :yellow_heart:

2 Likes

a son needs his father let him go for the summer and see how it goes from there

2 Likes

Why not 50/50? How old is your son?

1 Like

How old is your son? Why does he want to change homes? Is the father single?

And what happens when he becomes and adult and decides not to take meds or have a routine. It could be a wonderful learning experience for him and his dad. Maybe sit some basic boundaries on him before he leaves, like has to keep a C average in school. Has to stay out of trouble with the law. Or he comes back to you.

1 Like

Summer vacation is starting. Let him stay with his other parent for a month and give it a test run. Yes some people find it harder to handle the appts and med routine…which has to be followed. I am a parent to child who requires meds at certain times. If his father is able to handle this situation then you will see first hand. If not then you will learn this and know u need to keep primary custody and if there was ever a battle then u would have proof. But both parents should be able to handle this. Yes this isn’t always the case but it’s worth testing the waters during the summer.

3 Likes

I think if you don’t in the long run your son won’t be happy. Set a time frame and if he fails to meet basic needs like refills of appointments then he is to come back home. I’m a go with the flow kind of mum and gosh do I forget stuff but my son gets to places he needs to go he has food in his belly and a roof over his head. He’s going to college and learning to stand on his own 2 feet. Let it happen or you will be the bad guy to your son. He may see that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

1 Like

My son wanted this also , I let him choose. I wanted my son happy overall. I chose his needs / wants over my own. The end result was beautiful. He is now 18, just graduated from high school , overall a fantastic young man with a good head on his shoulders and still loves his momma. He’s got a great dad and we get along, while we didn’t always agree we came to terms on everything regarding our son. He also knows mom is his #1 fan always. There was never a time I wasn’t involved in every aspect of his life. As for appointments, medications I still made sure he made it to every single one and refilled medications (he also has health issues). By him going to live with dad, that doesn’t relieve you of these duties, lets face it mom’s usually do better at this type of stuff. Listen to your child’s needs / wants, as hard of a decision as it is to make. Let his dad be dad, if he’s a good dad why not ?

4 Likes

No not unless set rules will be unforced and leagel papers drawn