My son's father is in jail and wants our son when he gets out: Advice?

My son’s father has been in jail all nine months of his life and wants to “get him for a few months” when he gets out of jail/goes home. I’m not comfortable sending my son to see him seeing as to how he lives 7 hours away, and my son doesn’t know him from a stranger. I know that he needs to spend time with his dad to become familiar with him, but I know he won’t leave my side, and I don’t want him to until he is comfortable. How can I slowly introduce him to his dad in a way that will be effective for the distance?

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Plan lots of outtings, overnights stays wouldn’t happen for quite some time if it were me. It will take work on both parts but he created the situation and needs to father up and handle it once able. Everyone can make excuses 🤷

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A few months no way don’t worry he can take you to court while you will have to allow him to see him a few times a weeks he won’t be spending the night especially not a few months until his 5 years or older

Depends on why he’s been in jail tbh.

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Just be prepared if he takes you to court you don’t have a say. My husband got out of prison last year after 6 years of being out of his sons life and we got him right away, and now have regular visits. One thing you’ll have to learn is your child isn’t property and you can’t just say “he won’t leave your side until you say” because it doesn’t work like that. I hope you guys can get it figured out peacefully.

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Sorry I just saw that he is only 9 months old. He should start having visitation / overnights. Mine started at 3 months. Court ordered. Doesn’t matter who knows who.

I would file for supervised visitation. It depends a lot on why he was in jail and what his conditions are when he gets out. Also, with covid, I would be apprehensive as many of the correction officers/inmates depending on location have been carriers.

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Court is your best option, but start with supervised visits, lots outing.

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Have him come to your house too see his son…

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Just know if you dont have legal documents stating that you are the “sole custodial parent” he doesn’t have to give him back EVER. Both parents have the same rights unless you have written court orders so, be safe and cover yourself before doing anything!

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If it were me, there is no way I’d send my child with someone that’s a complete stranger to them especially if they’ve been in jail. I would do outings that you are present for until you’re more comfortable. I wouldn’t even do any overnights right now until he’s bigger and can talk to you so he can tell you what’s happening while he’s there.

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I would take advantage now and go file while he is still in jail and get a plan mapped out with a mediator before he even gets out

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Nah. Just nah…nope. No way.

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Have everything done with courts . Or he can take him from you . Slowly introduce him to his dad .

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Unless you want the courts all in yall business and forcing you its best to work visitation out yourselves. Talk and agree for him to come for a weekend (not stay with you) and visit everyday he’s in town. For example Start with maybe 3 months so they can create a bond then allow him to come in town and take him 1 day overnight or both but be local so if your son has a issue staying you can be close to go help him feel comfortable or pick him up and so on but dont just not allow him because if not soon but later dad will file if he’s determined to be apart of his life

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I don’t know but don’t let him that far from you eather

Look up coparenting videos

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Start with phone calls video chat and after awhile either have him come there for a visit or you go to him and go from there but do it before courts get involved and force it come up with visiting schedule before you guy’s do go to court for custody so this way it will be better

Custody through the courts get full custody and arrange visitation so a bind can develop and once you feel comfortable leaving your son with him then go from there

Honestly, I would file for a custody order now. Working out a schedule on your own is a recipe for him to take advantage.

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No make him do supervised visits

Most judge’s won’t allow over night stays for children under the age of 5 unless the parent has been active in their life on a regular basis

I would have him come to you for awhile. You’re sons still young so it will.be easier to adapt than being older. After a few times I would go to court and get everything set in stone if you 2 can agree on everything. But that’s just me.

Oh hell to the no!!! And no judge in his right mind is going to let him take that baby out of state. They can mandate supervised visitation.

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Months? No. Hours? Maybe. Supervised visits at first? Yes. Only so the child can get used to him before he takes the child unsupervised

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No way would I ever let that happen. If it isn’t through the courts he could keep your son you do not automatically have custody because you are the mother. Once he gets him he could go to court and get full custody and trust me that is a nightmare. I am not saying dont let him visit. Try meeting someplace for a supervised visit and see how it goes. Then try and work out something.

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Hell no! He might just be talking cause hes locked up. You know how they all find jesus & want to do better when locked up but as soon as they get out it’s a different story. Put your ducks in a row though just incase. Good luck momma but whatever you do dont let him take your baby!

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God no … supervised visits

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Have him actually make an effort first. Stop doing things that land him in jail, come to where you live and rent a place or whatever for a little while until he gets to know y’all’s kid.

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Contact an attorney for legal advice. Sometimes they can give counsel for free or can, at least, point in you in the right direction.

Go to court and get supervised visits.

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I’d supervise while letting him visit. Obviously he wants to be in his life.

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Parenting plan through the state.

I really wish that these posts would include the state in which the child lives. For instance, in Tennessee if child is born outside of marriage, and paternity has not been established in the court then all power remains with the mother. It doesn’t matter if he signed the birth certificate, voluntary acknowledgment of paternity form, or if the state put him on child support. The father has to sue for paternity and establish a visitation order. (There are cases where DCS or CPS can award custody/visitation but that’s rare and doesn’t seem to be the case.)

The OP is getting misinformation because each state’s laws are different. She needs to speak to an attorney to find out her rights.

If her state is similar to TN and there isn’t a parenting plan then she can do whatever she wants.

If the child doesn’t have a relationship with the parent and there is not a court ordered parenting plan in place then in my opinion I would do the following:

  1. have supervised visitation for the first few months
  2. allow day visits without supervision for a few months
  3. allow a few overnight in a local hotel or father’s family’s home
  4. travel to father’s location and stay in a hotel while the child stays with the father for a week
    5)escalate the parental time as warranted
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Delusional. I think since hes a stranger to the child, the father needs to establish a relationship first and only do a few hours a week supervised and work up to even unsupervised, to just an overnight.

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My god I never trusted anyone with my kids not even father. To many children being murdered by family members. Use your head

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No first go to court house and file custody papers and a visitation schedule. I learned the hard way with out court orders if you let him take baby he don’t have to return him tell judge says. I would start slow with supervised visits so child can get to know him.

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Laugh in his face. No way

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Supervised visitation

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Dont hand your son over without a custody agreement in place

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Oh no!!!even though he’s the child’s father, he’s a complete stranger. I think your child should gradually get to know his father,

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Talk to cps and a lawyer. They should help. And if you have to start visits or want to do it for 2-3 hrs at first do it at a park or something so they can bond.

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Tell him to file in court, and without doing that he gets nothing.

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Transitioning to the outside world has a number of stressors… finances being a huge challenge normally. I would find it irresponsible to put someone in the position of caring for an infant that will be experiencing great difficulty as it is. Just tell him that you all will need to make arrangements for visits that work for you both, and that you want to help set him up for SUCCESS.

I went thru this with my sons father and we went to court and because my son didn’t really kno his dad it started out with a few hours at a time to every other weekend but when it came to summer time he tried to get him for a month at a time and the judge said no that he could have him for a week out of the summer cause my son hadn’t been around him much for the first 3 years of his life, I say take it to court don’t try and fight it out on ur own! No judge will just give someone a child until they actually know them!

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A few months? Um no. Start with supervised visits only

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Link up with the P.O and come up with a responsible plan.

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Court. In my exes case his son was unfamiliar with him. Because they lived in different states the judge made mandatory phone calls 1 day q week for 15 min. After that they would gradually start building trust and he’ll get more and more time. Judge also stated IF my ex visited his sons state he would have to write the court a month before so he could get visitations scheduled, work it up from 2 days to a week. At least that was the plan, mom kept changing # so he couldn’t speak to child, I found out she doenst even have her son, her parents do and they dont know she gets c.s. they live in the same town and he still cant see him.

No way…only supervised visits limited times.

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If your not going threw the courts then I would say start with video calls

Not a chance. Since he was in jail when your son was born I doubt he’s the legal father. Make him fight for it. No visitation until a judge sees fit. You didn’t say why he was I jail but I’d bring that up. Id request an home investigation, drug testing, mental competency exam the whole 9 yards. Then supervised visits until your son is familiar with him. You’ll need a lawyer. Don’t do anything until he intiates legal action. He’ll have to go to your county to do it. Until then no contact. Don’t let him guilt you. Your son comes first.

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Umm he may come visit meeting somewhere in a mutual location however may not be wise to gradually test this. He is a stranger to the child and honestly the child should have been important enough for better decision making. That would be a very bad idea. He also needs establish a job and stability to care for the child when he gets out but as long as he is not violent or a threat let him come by and see hims for a bit.

But also be aware if he is on the birth certificate cops will tell you they can’t stop him from leaving with the child.

He wants to take a 9 month old baby 7 hours away from his mom for a “few months” that’s gonna be a Hell no! I’d laugh if someone asked me for that :dizzy_face:

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He can’t follow rules and ends up in jail and wants the baby for a few months? Fuck no!

He can come to YOUR house for supervised visits on weekends for quite awhile. Then your son will be comfortable, but the dad will get to know him and his ‘ways’. Definitely can’t just jump right in to taking him when he knows nothing about him or his needs

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My child’s father lives farther away and for now while she is little I have always done face time everyday. Sometimes twice a day. That way the child will get to know the other parent before you feel ready enough to let them go on there own. Hope that helps. My daughter loves calling her dad everyday. Makes there bond stronger.

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I would tell him if he really wants visits alone he can go through the courts. In the mean time you can do supervised visits in public places. And update him when you can! Be the bigger person and coparent. Act like you truly want him involved and truly want to coparent with him. It’ll help your case. Tell him about appointments, if he’s sick, if he’s been hurt, etc.

And don’t think for one second that just because he files first he automatically wins! My ex husband filed for our divorce/custody first and I ended up winning sole custody of our children. You can also do consultations with lawyers for advice/ideas. Some do them for free and others will charge. I’ve done like 30 min consults for $50 with lawyers before. Look up your states custody laws too. Educating yourself will help tons! Know your rights and his!

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I would NEVER let my child go under these circumstances. You are your child’s safety net and his comfort. He doesn’t know the dad and the dad does NOT know the child. You have no idea what lifestyle he will be living. If he really wants to get to know and spend time with your child he will make the necessary sacrifices and accommodations. He needs to prove himself ( that he can be a father and provider). Contact a lawyer if needed. Uprooting a baby like that could be detrimental. I am a mom too(I’m Steph, Chads wife) and there is NOOOO way I would do it. It is about the baby now. Wanting to play daddy and actually being a daddy are two different things. Parenting is HARD! Keep that baby close just in case dad can’t handle it;). Good luck!

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Nope. So much nope. He can see him supervised by u. I would get a custody plan in place ASAP so he can’t take him out of state or try something along those lines. He’s got a criminal background, so not like a judge is going to hand out 50\50 or non supervised custody

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Definitely get some kind of visitation schedule with the courts. That way he can’t just run off with him and your protected. I’d suggest having the dad come visit until the baby is comfortable. Then maybe do like a half day alone with dad. Then work your way up to overnights. Do what’s best for the child always, but make sure your rights are protected as well.

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What I would suggest is doing supervise visitations for a long time and tell your child feels comfortable with him and then not doing any visitation that’s not set up through a court so it’s very structured depending of course on what he went to jail for

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He hasn’t been a part of your son’s life at all and thinks he can just have him when he gets home and your son is going to feel comfortable with him? Your son doesn’t know him?? He needs to understand this and you should make it clear to him that you want him to be a part of your son’s life but if he wants to be, then he needs to come to your house and follow your rules!! I went through this and my daughters fathers tried the same thing, I guarantee a judge would agree!!!

No way in hell would I send my child to stay with him, being a stranger to your child, and being that far away. He should make the effort to come where you are and have visits in your presence, and work his way up to being someone the child knows and is comfortable with.

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I would tell him if he really wants visitation that he needs to go through the courts and when he does you request supervised visits and no overnight’s until the child knows him and is comfortable with him . And depending on why he was in prison you can ask for parenting classes anger management classes to be completed 1st.

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I would wait and let the courts decide and I would even urge them to take it slowly. My mom took me from my dad after she would get out of jail and then he would go back to court to get me back and she would go to jail. But I’ve also seen where they get custody and don’t actually see the kid or listen to the rules and the kid doesn’t know him

To demand to have him for a few months straight out of prison when he hasn’t been there and his son doesn’t know him; it’s too much at once. Advise him he should start with supervised contact in a place/with people your son is comfortable with and build up to him being able to have him overnight for a period of time…if he has issues with that then ask if he’d prefer to go through courts where a professional opinion can be given. He needs to understand that the child doesn’t know him and will not be comfortable just going with him straight away

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Nothing riled me more than hearing or seeing a mother thinking she’s got a more of a right than a dad when it comes to both there child/children BUT if he’s never met him then I’d take it slow and steady I wouldn’t do video call because there’s no way a child can get to know someone properly through video call :woman_facepalming::joy: maybe meet up go for walks ect slowly but surely x

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Get a lawyer to help you right now asap…before he gets out…so when does get out you dont have to worry about him taking your child…but make sure he doesn’t know where your staying at because he will go to your house and try to take the child anyway…good luck :heart:

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Keep the child in the location they are accustom to…the parent can come to him.
Not sure why he is in prison…but he has to learn to parent first before he just comes and takes the kid. Build the bond first. If he is a danger to you or your child…seek legal help before he gets out.

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I would not be okay with him just taking him for a few months. And if you let him take him I’d have a parenting time order in place first, so he can’t go ahead and file for full custody and zero Rights for you. If there’s nothing in place, it’s easy to do. Especially with the distance.

But yes, I’d get him comfortable first! That would be traumatic

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Never agree on him keeping him for a few months, he could use that against you in court saying you abandoned him and he would likely get full custody…

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Definitely do not let your child go if he wants to spend time with your son he’s needs to do it on your terms and I would not let him go 7 hours away for sure still being so young

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Supervised visitation at first, no overnights for quite a while. Dad needs to prove he’ll be an asset in the child’s life, rather than a liability.

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Depending on what he did wait while make sure he dont get locked bzck up…all seeing his father will do is mess him up more, trust me i know!! Make him show u hes serious about seeing his son…tell him to make a court date for visitation right n put on child support then he can see his kid.

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Tell him to get to know him first on visits before he is allowed to take him for long periods of time
My dad got to have me for summers and weekends after he got out of being in prison for 3.5 years… he’s a good dad… I’m sure my mom was nervous because I’ve never gone anywhere before that but he had court ordered visits so she kinda had to let him. But for the first few since it was during school (I was 9) he would come up and stay the weekend and take me out to dinner and movies to get me used to it

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I recommend finding a good parenting plan and making it fit your situation then filing it with your local court now! The father would be served in jail.

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Nope do not hand him over til you get a custody agreement in place. He doesn’t have to hand him back if you don’t have one. And no he shouldn’t get him for a few months, that’s crazy.

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As a mother this would be a hard no. Like wouldn’t think about it longer than it took me to type the word NO. It’s ridiculous, probably not safe, and definitely not in the child’s best interests Under these circumstances if you file with courts now they will make the visitations supervised. No court would have you just hand over a child like that, it’s not in the best interest of the child. Do not just give him the child without it set with the courts because if he’s had paternity done and you have no set court plan he can keep your child and it could be longer than moths before you had your child back- this has happened and fathers have taken of with kids. Get that custody established if you haven’t, file with the courts and express this. Have it done now why he’s still in jail. Do things the smart and better safe than sorry way.

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Find a lawyer, set a custody agreement that starts with supervised short visits, leading EVENTUALLY into overnights depending on the outcome of the supervised visits. Under zero circumstances would I allow a near stranger to take my kid for a few months. Supervised visits for as long as it takes for your kid to feel comfortable and if comfort doesn’t happen then overnights don’t happen.

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If he wants to see him he needs to go thru the courts and let the judge set up visitation. Do not hand your baby over without supervision

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Supervised visits at 1st. Then day trips. Work into it. Jail can negatively impact a person sometimes. You need to observe and pay attention.

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Is he on the birth certificate? If not I wouldn’t worry much at the moment, he would have to establish paternity first. If he is I would get to your court house and file for custody while he is still incarcerated.

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Make him come to you … sorry you can’t leave the state. When you can than you come visit. Use the face time/video chat when he gets released. You clearly have absolutely no responsibility to this man. Don’t feel obligated to let a stranger come in take.charge. Thats how kids die.

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if there are no orders dont do it. he can run off with him. standard visitation starts out at a cpl hours once/twice a week supervised when they are young and never been around the other parent

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Depending on why he’s in jail, he may not deserve any rights to see the child.

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Nope and go to court now to formalize custody arrangements so he cannot just take him

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He can make the effort to come and visit seeing as how he’s the reason why he couldn’t get to know the baby. I would not send my child of any age several hours away after their father has been in jail and also that’s just too far. That’s just my 2 cents though.

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Nope nope nope. If he wants to be a part of your son’s life, he will find a way.

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if he’s on the birth certificate the get a custody agreement asap before you ever let that child go with the dad… if he’s not then it’s what you are comfortable with period till he takes it to court… I think every dad should spend time with their child but that amount of time at that age just no no no and definitely not when you’re unsure how he will care for a child

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Legally, that’s a no, until they are a certain age. I guess it depends on you states law though. I’d reach out to an attorney.

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Dont let him take ur son fir a second alone! And if he wants to fight u on it, let him take u to court. Then u can tell the judge why it’s not a good idea for him to be alone with his dad, tell him about jail, etc

Go to court and immediately get legal custody. Without it he he has full parental rights and if he walks out the door with the baby you could have to fight to get him back. My ex took off with his son at 3 am from florida and went to ohio. There was no legal custody and the cops couldn’t do a thing.

I have that same situation my daughters dad lives in Texas and has never met her and wants me to send her there and I’m just not comfortable he also just recently got out of prison

All of you guys being like “supervised visits” he lives seven hours away helloo, she’s asking how she can start getting her son used to his dad even tho he’s going to live far away, at least that’s what I took from it

What about FaceTime great way for him to see him but still be with you.

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NO WAY should your child go that far for that period of time with a literal stranger.

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NO man should expected to get out of jail and instantly take there child , he got to show that he can properly take care of your baby, he needs to get to no baby first, its alot of work and not as easy as everyone thinks , supervised visits until he proves himself, that he can take care of the baby and stay on the right track amd out of jail, he should be grateful that you would let him see the baby at all after being in jail, if he has a problem with supervised visits then put him in his place, no man should be that naive to think there gonna get out of jail and just be able to take there child for that long , that he’s never met and also its not fair to you who has been taking care of your baby this whole time to have to go that long without seeing your baby, that be crazy , he can’t be for real

What I did was started out with face time every day my son and his father face time. Then he started to visit and spend time with our son supervised at my home. I just leave them to it and go about doing my house work, read a book do wat ever I need around my home and they have their time together.

Not Jail situation but a father being out our lawyers suggest a step plan. For introduction and to show consistency. But I would definately consult an attorney.