My son's father may not be who I thought it was, what do I do?

I just realized some information that is HUGE and could change my life. I'm pretty sure my oldest son is my ex husband's and not my current husband's, like we've both thought for almost 9 years. A little back story...I was married to my ex for 3 years, together for 7. We desperately tried to have a family and had a very rocky relationship because of it and it never happened. At the end, I caught him cheating on me and I immediately kicked him out(he moved in with his new gf) we slept together for the last time 1 week before this happened. Fast forward 1 month, I've begin to date my current husband and we sleep together without protection because I didn't think I could get pregnant. (no judgment please) About a month after that I find out I'm pregnant. I automatically assume it's my current husband's because I never could have kids with my ex. Fast forward again about 8years. My son looks, talks, walks and has the exact same facial expressions as my ex. Not to mention the same marbleing in his eye color. I've just begun to notice the resemblance in the past couple months as he's getting older. Wtf! I decide to reach out to my ex and let him know what I've discovered. He is willing to do a paternity test and has known all along from his ex gf stalking me on fb and mentioning to him that my son looks like him. My current husband doesn't know. And IDK if u should wait to tell him till I get the test back. I told my brother but that's it. I'm freaking out with so many questions. My husband and I have 2 younger kids together aswell ..we've been married 5 years together almost 10. IDK how to tell him without hurting him or how he's going to react. Is he going to think I betrayed him and lied to him thinking I knew all along? When that's not the case. I'm hoping this news doesn't change his and my sons relationship. My ex husband is also remarried (to a different girl than the gf) and knows this information. Apparently everyone on his side knows except for me up until now. I feel like such an idiot, but what are the chances of something like this happening? Why didn't he reach out to me sooner? But wants a relationship with my son if it comes back positive. Without changing anyone's situation or taking legal action. I don't want anything from him. But I feel guilty about all the time that we lost. I'm grateful for my husband and that he gave me a family. But how different would my life be right now if I would've just waited it out and didn't go looking for someone else after I kicked him out. Would he have came back to me to have the family we both always wanted? IDK what to do or where to go from here, I'm at a loss. I'm all over the place. Sorry for the long post. Please be kind I'm going through enough, thanks for reading.
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Don’t think about what would’ve happened if you knew sooner… having a baby does not save a relationship. You’ve both moved on so obviously it “wasn’t meant to be”. It’s good he’s up for a test, have your son get a dna test done and go from there. If it comes back as your ex, I would probably tell him. If he acts and looks just like your ex…then he’ll figure it out soon enough so it’s better to hear from you. It is possible, you guys broke up and a month later you started dating your now husband… so that’s right around the time you find out you’re pregnant, about 6 weeks. So your son most likely is your ex’s. Tell him you and your ex decided to get a dna test because he was having feelings about it and it turns out he is his. I’m sure he’ll be hurt… give him time, space, whatever he asks. However he feels is how he feels and you can’t change that. Just do whatever you can to help him move forward.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My son's father may not be who I thought it was, what do I do?

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Your first mistake was contacting your ex before talking to your husband. It should be handled between the 2 of u.

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You are in a tough situation but I would get the test done … please talk to your husband he needs to know . What you are thinking .

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thats a hard one but i say get a dna test to be sure if so talk to your son when you know he can handle that convo. it happens more than you think im sure all will be ok in end xx

My only question is, if your son is 9 already how could you not have noticed before? No judgment but when my kids came out of the womb I knew soon after they were definitelythere Daddys kids. Also. You should talk to your husband asap tho.

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I think you already started off wrong. The first person you should have said something to is your husband. Your husband should of made that decision to get a paternity test done first. You should have just kept it in the household until there was a reason not to. Good luck

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You MUST tell your husband!!!
What if he hears it from someone else?!?!

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This could be a messy situation. For your son he is gonna be crushed for the guy who he thought was his dad for 8 yr and then finds out he is not … and then your husband you have to think about him also .

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You should have talked to your husband first before contacting your ex husband. This is something huge and your husband needs to know. Also if i had slept with someone that close together and got pregnant i wouldve wanted a test all those years ago. If the ex husband thought it was his son he shouldve came forward sooner.

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I’d get the test 1st!!!

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You sound happy with your current husband. Trust him. Confess everything just like you did here. He sounds like a good man. Give him a chance to prove that.
Your ex deserves to be a part of his son’s life. Prayers for all. God bless.

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I had a similar situation happened to me when I got pregnant because I had a one night stand, using protection as well as a week prior with my ex who I was also using protection and I got pregnant and I just assumed it was the guy I was with for months but just in case I had him do a DNA test when she was born, it did turn out to be him but some of the women were saying that you should’ve known when the baby came out, honestly my daughter looks like me and my family no resemblance to .her father. You should’ve talk to your husband first though because if it turns out not to be your ex-husband that’s just hurting him for no reason.

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Just curious about the timeline…kid is 8 but you’ve been with current husband for 10 yrs. :thinking::thinking::thinking: Did I misinterpret the information??

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You should of told your husband long before the ex. He will probably feel betrayed, it would be hard not if you do this all behind his back…

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Talk to your husband… you never know what he’s thinking. He may have also started to realize that he doesn’t look or resemble him. It may be something he’s bottling up inside not wanting to start conflict. You’re married… you need to communicate to him open and honestly.

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You tell your husband gently, and you stop wondering what could’ve been with the ex because you’re both married.

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That went from your sons paternity to your ‘lost life together’ pretty quick.

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wait until you know for sure, But then again, explain just what you stated here.

If you don’t tell your current husband that’s going behind his back. He must be part of all of this. After all this is his son for 9 years and that love will not change.

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Not only did you not talk to your husband before the ex , but now you’re wondering about what could have been something with your ex :thinking: clearly you not that into your husband as you claim!!! Anywho talk to your husband before the ex or family member do

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How many weeks were you, when you found out you were pregnant?

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I would definitely 1st and foremost have a conversation with your husband and then proceed to getting a paternity test! I think once you straighten all that out, you can figure out what to do next and what is best for your son and his real dad, if in fact he is your ex’s!! Good luck mama!

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Yeah you are kind of an idiot

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Talk to your husband he’s been the one raising him with you. Most the time when men have raised a kid they won’t just turn their back on him. I personally would talk to my husband and do a DNA test with him.

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You’re stupid.

Sounds like you want your ex.

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Don’t hide, sneak or lie to your current husband or it will destroy your relationship. Be honest…it was an honest mistake . Lies or hiding shit is never gonna work out the way you hope. He will feel like an outsider in the situation and that sucks. He needs time to prepare too.

Test first and be honest.

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Do test then tell him either way. Can I have a life with someone with a lie or Deceit

Ehhh you’re wrong in the fact that you’re wondering what if with the ex……you must be second guessing your husband if
You’re having those thoughts

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Clearly your current husband isn’t who you want to be with!!! If so I feel you would have talked to him first. Your current husband is innocent in all of this as is your son. Your husband needs to know before someone else tells him. The two of you need to tell the son because more than likely if it’s that much of resemblance as you claim the current husband probably knows deep down he isn’t his child anyway. Give the man that has been raising this child the respect he deserves and tell him the truth!!! We make mistakes but the longer you hide things the worse things will be. Sounds like a good man which apparently hubby number one wasn’t. Stop wondering what if this and that with #1 he can’t keep his zipper closed apparently. :woman_shrugging:t3::woman_shrugging:t3::woman_shrugging:t3:.

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Sounds like your in a rocky place in your current relationship and need to get that sorted. Js

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I would talk to your husband ASAP. Tell him the truth and see what he wants to do.

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You should be talking to your husband. It’s wild to me that all this communication was initiated and carried on with your ex but you haven’t uttered a word to your husband. The conversation should have started with the man you married. He’s been dad to this kid for however long and has the right to a say so.

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I would do the test but for sure talk to your husband. Tell him your concerns and what you want out of the situation either way. And don’t worry about the timeline . With my first I didn’t test positive until I was 12 weeks. My second and third I tested positive at 3 and 4 weeks. It happens. Just be open and honest :heart:

First I would talk to your husband rt away, as u said, it’s not like u even thought it was a chance he wasn’t his child til now… honesty is always best!! U wouldn’t want him finding out later, because if I were him then I would be extremely mad finding out after everyone else and your self thought this was going on

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Uhh… Good luck on trying to fix everything. You’ve already gone behind your husband’s back by talking to your ex about it first.

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You should have told your husband first. WTFFF

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Thinking u knew all along ….but u didn’t, honey u sure didddd

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You are going to screw your husband and your kid up so bad. Not right to either one of them. Your son is going to have so many problems… leave it alone

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I think everyone missed the no judgment part of this post. I am so sorry you are going through this. You must feel so alone!

I think you need to talk to your husband one on one and tell him your concerns. The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be on him to hear. He will be stuck on the fact that you waited, so get this taken care of right away. You can figure out what to do from there once you have the results. Don’t think about being with your ex… He cheated and I can tell you from experience that a baby doesn’t change who a person is. Focus on your family. If your son is the ex’s, I would recommend getting a therapist or counselor to help you navigate the waters and create healthy boundaries.

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I’m shocked you reached out to the ex first, and not the actual man who has been there for you for the past 9 years.
You need to tell you husband immediately and ask him what he would like to do. Don’t tell him the other guy knows as that will hurt him.

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Can I get an update or a part 2 to this story later on.

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  1. Quit making it about you asap. No more what ifs about your past. That’s disrespectful as he to your current husband. 2. Tell your current husband you have something that been on your mind & tell him you’ve noticed some things that are getting to you about your son. Chances are he’s noticed & hoped you wouldn’t. Tell him you just want confirmation. But be prepared for him to say no & decide now if you’ll still do the test without his permission. Next, if it comes back positive, you & both husband’s need to meet privately & talk before approaching your son.
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I’d be mostly concerned on how this is going to affect your son and get some support in place for him.
Imagine finding out your dad that’s been there all your life isn’t your dad at all.
I hope everything works out the best way possible but the child should be the most important concern.

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You should tell your husband asap. He knows the situation so it’s not anyone’s fault

There’s no way you should have just assumed the baby was your current husband’s? You had to have known how far along you were right. You knew there was always a chance considering you’d slept with them both around the same time. I’m not judging I’m just saying this can’t be the first time you thought maybe he could be either of theirs. Honestly at this point I would avoid hurting my husband if possible. I’d do the paternity test with ex and see first.

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I’m at a loss for words

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And you never thought of any of this for 10 yrs? Cmon now. Good luck trying to be honest 10 yrs later….that’s not an easy thing to swallow, 10yrs later. Hope you are honest and solid in every other aspect, if not your whole relationship is gonna come into question. :expressionless:

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Go to therapy asap to process before making any decisions🤷🏻‍♀️

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Where’s Maury at when you need him? And a case for Dr. Phil right after! Might wanna add Jerry in there too!
:roll_eyes:
“WhAt ShOulD i dO?”
Well, Linda…not run to your ex before even speaking with your husband! Like wtf! Second, wtf you gonna do when said 9 yr old comes home and tells “daddy” that he got swabbed in the mouth? :woman_facepalming:t4:
And what do you mean “what could our life be” mf he cheated, he’d probably still be cheating while you’re at home cooking, cleaning and crying! :thinking:
Lawdddd help her! Actually help the hubs! :flushed:

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Talk to your husband… Kids are not stupid… most kids kmow that a cheek swab is a dna test. Once you find out for sure if it is the ex then you and your husband need to sit down with your son and tell him. You sent the ex packing for a reason. Don’t look back and play the "what if’ " game. Don’t mess with your kid and not tell him either. You think he would be messed up from the news? Imagine if he ran into the ex and realized how similar he is to him. Don’t mince words. Tell the truth to both husband and son. Then you can deal with the rest.

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I think you should have told your husband first. And I won’t judge you for the what ifs? Y’all were married and he cheated…you got rid of him asap( something they always telling people in this comment section to do) so you never even gave your marriage a chance. So the what ifs are understandable . I say tell husband asap so this doesn’t get any messier and he doesn’t feel some type of way .

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The math doesn’t add up to be your ex husbands child. That’s five weeks before you even slept with your current husband. Since you can only ovulate and get pregnant within a 48hr Window you would need to know exactly how far long you where when you found out you where pregnant. You would of had to been roughly two weeks into your cycle when you slept with your ex to of gotten knocked up by him. Also the fact that you had been trying for years to no Avail it’s more so likely wishful thinking at this point. Not to say it can’t happen but idk.

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Your loyalty should be to your current husband you should’ve told him first.

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Why are you putting this out on social media and not told your husband yet? Something is not adding up

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I think if you confided in your ex. You now hubby should be clued in just in case. This is not fair to him.

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First of all you should have talked to your husband first. How in the hell does anyone else know about this and not ur husband?!?!? I would be angry as F***. Start by taking to your husband and get a therapist involved on how to navigate this issue.

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The math doesn’t add up. That’s 4+ weeks difference in a baby’s growth in utero. Your OB would’ve said something at your scan. I think you opened a can of worms and it was unnecessary. My three year old looks just like my ex husband as a child. And I mean just like. He is also my 8 year old (from my ex) sons little twin. He is absolutely not my ex husbands child.

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Don’t wait to tell your husband. I think it will be more hurtful if you get the test without telling him first. Healthy relationships need open communication. He shouldn’t blame you for getting pregnant before you met. He should be understanding and work it out together as a couple. It can bring you two closer. If you hold information from him it could damage your relationship.

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He might of come back but he’d still been cheating on you…

Don’t keep this from your husband, and definitely think about your son this could be soul crushing for him and your husband.

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It’s possible and it happened to me… My son was turning 6 but my ex knew it wasn’t his and he still left … Now he wishes he didn’t but yea becareful but it’s gonna eat you alive until you know just do what’s best for your son

Sometimes even if the child looks like your ex it could be negative it happened with a friend. Her daughter had the same eye condition her now husband had, they figured she looked more like now husband and ex husband treated the girl poorly because of it. Eventually they got her tested and yep she was first husbands kid and he had been treating his own kid poorly because he’s a jerk. It hurt her so much but at least she knows what his true colours are.

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You absolutely tell your current husband…absolutely. he should have been the 1st one you discussed this with.

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Your husband doesn’t act any diff to him than the others ?? Maybe he even questions this himself but doesn’t say anything in fear of hurting you and your son

Just imagine everyone knowing but the birth certificate father. :woman_facepalming:I bet that feels like betrayal, you should’ve talked to him about this before anyone else. Thats your husband after all. Sheeesh i would not want tobe in those shoes.

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You separated because he cheated Second don’t air private issues on Facebook. And no you don’t owe ex anything

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It takes 9 months to have a baby… we all know this and yet you act as if, you’re not sure who the father is??? Come on now !!

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Does Ex husband have any (other) children with ex gf or new wife?

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Well all u need to do talk to your husband explain talk to your x explain take dna and move forward the kid part will u might need legal advice on that u r not the only one in that situation but atleast u realize it such is life

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I think you should be open and honest with him just like you have with us. He may be upset at first but I think rationality says you’re not to blame and he will come to see that. Since there is a short time frame between the 2 sexual partners this is no one’s fault and just a crazy curve ball. Being honest and open will help you both manage this curve ball the best in my opinion.

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You need to tell your husband before it really comes back to bite you in the butt and it end up being to late he maybe more understanding now versus later

It doesn’t matter who’s it is if your husband has raised him

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Is it just me… Or is anyone else thinking about how far along the pregnancy was when she found out?? Like I’d say that’s a pretty good indicator

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Husband should have been the first person you spoke to not the ex. That betrayal alone might be enough reason for him to leave.

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love these lost postive out comes ate great its probaly not so relax

I think you should have talked to your current husband before your ex . You went behind his back

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You should have just let it be. Good luck w that can if worms you just opened

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Probably would’ve been better to speak to your present husband first. Now that it’s been an open dialogue…it would seem unfair to hide the info, and what you’ve discussed to other’s from him.

Talk to your husband and be straight up. Don’t do the dna test without informing your now husband because he is gonna be very upset if he is the last one to find out. Especially considering the fact that you already even reached out to your ex and everyone on his side knows. Talk to your husband. He is your husband and he shouldn’t be left in the dark because it is his life that is changing too. If you’re honest about it at least he can’t be mad you hid it from him. He knows what’s going on every step of the way.

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Your husband should of been the first person you told. He is your partner and has been raising that boy for 9 years now. You betrayed him by reaching out to your ex first. You and your husband should of done that together as a team.

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You need to tell your husband :heavy_heart_exclamation:

I think my
Husband would be more upset about the fact that I spoke to my EX first about it before him. That’s your husband’s son regardless of paternity-he’s raised him his whole life. You should have went to your husband first with these concerns. I hope everything works out for y’all!

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If he’s known all this time, and he didn’t reach out and actively seek a paternity test and a relationship with that child, then he made his choice. Let it go. Your son has the father he’s meant to have.

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Your current husband may surprise you by telling you he’s known all along. He may not want to involve the ex and may be hurt that you did without speaking to him first.

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You are going to end up
Ruining two of not three relationships you and your current husband , your son and current husband and your relationship with your son. You went about this the wrong way

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At this point does it honestly matter? Should taken you suspicions to your grave honestly.

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Well u kinda did know…you slept with 2 people in a short time frame so it could be either one. You should have been honest with both about the pregnancy. And then to reach out to your ex first and not your husband about the kid he has been raising…yep he will probably be pretty upset, but you never truly will know the outcome. Speak with your husband FIRST off,get the dna and then go from there

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You should have talked to your current husband first

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Tell him the truth. Secrets have no place in a marriage.

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There is no point wondering how life would have been, because it’s history. Even if you and your ex got back together you will still have kids to someone else either way so not worth torturing yourself over the perfect family that could have been. I would tell your current husband everything now and be honest about it before it goes any further because it’s not fair on him that this is all being done behind his back. I hope it all works out for you!

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Tell him he has a right to know upfront and not be blindsided that could make matters worse

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How can you have been with to your current husband for 10 years and have an 8 year old with your ex husband. But you didn’t cheat. :woman_shrugging:t3: bit sus.

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You should have talked to your husband. Period. That was unfair to go to the ex first.

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He’s raised your son for 10 years sounds to me like he is his father. And you definitely should never have reached out to your ex before you talk to your current husband. That is what he’s going to be upset about and rightfully so. He’s supposed to be the one you go to not your ex.

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Some things need to be left in the closet this being one of them

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Why would you not talk to your husband about this possibility? You slept with both men in a short period of time. Of course either could be the father and your new husband should have known from the door.

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I say fuck the ex you have a family you don’t need anymore. If he knew and said nothing he doesn’t deserve the kid anyway

Your ex husband was cheating!!