Just curious, but is there a reason she is not fawn of you? Was there any cheating involved? Either way some people are not good in social situations, or maybe she’s just not interested in getting to know you. At the end off the day, it is her and your husband who are the co-parents. Obviously your husband does not seem to think it’s that important, otherwise he would be the one sending the invitation.
Im afraid the “if you could find it in your heart” thing turned the nice gesture into something bitchy. However, Kudos for trying! And I’m with the other folks, it his kid’s mother, he should be the one initiating these things.
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In my opinion, you should let the fiancé do this from now on. I see you were trying to reach out and care for her and your fiancé daughters. People are giving rude comments and etc but the reality is. This is her decision and if she wants to miss out then let her. Some baby moms are bitter and some are not. In this case she may be but we don’t know the history. So I’d never message her again and let your fiancé be the one to deal with the mess. Her kids will someday express the disappointment they feel but it doesn’t mean their mother loves them any less. Even though you care very much for the girls, in the end… it’s your fiancé and his baby mothers kids. That is their decision and their choices. No need to be pushy, just let him handle this and you enjoy the birthday with the girls. Be strong.
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She basically told u to duck off and wants nothing to do with you guys. Leave her alone.
Depends on how you and your partner met? Was there cheating involved because of so I’d only be human and not want to see you guys together as I’m then going to have to watch you play another role which was mine by acting as mother and organising my own child’s birthday? Not bashing at all just trying to see it from her point of view of that was the case x
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I’m still trying to figure out what child has an issue with 2 parties? 
And there is always more than 1 side to a story and im sure step mom is keeping that out! Leave the coparenting to the actual parents…
Leave it be… If she don’t want to do it then don’t… If u keep pushing it could end up going south real quick… I wouldn’t even give her a second thought anymore and just focus on the family
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Good for you , you are being the bigger person . I went through the same thing just put the kids first screenshot your message because when they are in their 20’s you will need proof of reaching out
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I get you extended an invite but my God how much more passive aggressive guilt could you have added? Do you know everything about her relationship with your man? Maybe she legit doesnt like him, or you.
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Why not ask them to stop by or meet up (you’re treat) for coffee,lunch,whatever they enjoy just to get them to meet up and have BOTH of you communicate what your step daughters want??Have the kids expressed to their mom in front of their Dad how they feel??I feel like there’s more going on here.Perhaps Mom Cant afford the celebrations you have vs the ones she can afford to put on and she’s uncomfortable or sees it as her daughters like you better.Idk but something more is underlying here.I totally get not wanting to create an issue but unfortunately I think it’ll snowball as the kids get older creating more difficult obstacles.Good luck.Whatever you do make sure it’s public enough so nobody gets too zealous and you can leave if need be.
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You said “she’s moved on into another relationship.” Did you and your current husband cheat while he was married to her? Your wording & her hostility makes me feel like that is the case. If so, that terrible for her and all the kids… and it’s no wonder she refuses to be involved. Also who has custody? Does she have her own parties? Are you maybe overstepping your bounds?
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U crossed the line. Though it was meant to be a good thing. As a single mom, I would flip if my son’s stepmom took it upon herself to plan a party that is my party to plan. You now have made her look like the petty bitch who can’t put her first and do a party with her dad. I know you meant well, but that was the moms job.
As a mom and stepmom I think you need to let the kids dad handle their mother. If my children’s stepmom wrote me something like that idk that I would attend either specially if she already gave you an answer. I understand you wanting to co parents but I personally want nothing about co parenting with my ex husband he was a bad husband and father and now because they are happy I have to suck it up and be uncomfortable sorry I wouldn’t go either . You dint know what their relationship was like so it’s unfair to judge her ! You have your celebration and they’ll have theirs. My ex husbands fiancée always tried to fix things etc at the end she messaged me apologizing for always defending him and his parenting ofcourse they have their own kid now and she now sees what I saw and now she realizes what a piece of shit he is . He may be golden to you that was not her experience
One does not automatically become a bad co parent just because they want boundaries. The mother has every right to keep worlds separate and you need to respect that decision. As long as all court orders are being adhered to then you have no right to try and force something above and beyond it. Have your party, let her have hers, and move on.
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My baby Momma is one of my best friends and we still have separate parties sometimes. If the child finds it uncomfortable then let them bring it up to their Mom.
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you can ask till ur blue is the face. … but if she doesnt want too… she dont want to .
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I love how everyone assumes because BM doesn’t like the SM she must have come into the relationship through cheating. The reality is, this is the norm, BM’s dislike SM for any and all reasons, there doesn’t need to be cheating. And for those questioning kids not wanting 2 separate parties, I’m going to guess you’ve never had SKs in this position. Young kids just want to see their parents together, to get along, and don’t understand the conflicts and issues that keep it from happening.
To this SM. You reached out, now let it go. Unfortunately most BMs are not capable of accepting another parent in their childs life, and can’t get past their issues to do whats best for the kids. You can’t force her as frustrating as it is. Just accept you will never be able to co-parent with her, and the kids will know who tried and who didn’t. Just do whatever you can for them and be happy with that.
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Do what you need to do for your child or step child. Unless you all live together there are two separate households with probably two sets of different rules. Explain to your step daughter that her mom was invited but doesn’t want to spend time around her dad which is part of why they aren’t together. Kids understand a lot more than given credit for and need to learn they won’t always get what they want. Kids will also learn what is allowed in each household, not saying it’ll be easy, and the other parent doesn’t have the authority to make rules or decisions where they don’t live.
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She sounds jealous. I know she’s “moved on” but just by her words… jealousy is there
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Leave it alone. Me n my ex coparent just fine but I don’t want him at my parties and I don’t want to go to his. The girls will just have to understand that not all mommies n daddies wanna spend any time together. It’s seriously not a big deal
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In kinda the same situation. I have two stepdaughters that we never get to see and a daughter of my own with him. The girls probably don’t even know they have a little sister and we have tried to contact them for years and the mom just refuses to have anything to do with us. It’s very painful for my husband. My advice is at least he gets them and gets to see them because it could be way worse. Just let her be bitter and it will come back on her one day and she will regret it. You did what you could.
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Fan adds
To answer some of your questions.
I have tried numerous times to coordinate a party with her but she doesn’t bother replying. For my daughter and my other SD (mind you it’s two sisters) we did a photoshoot last year when they turned 10. This year we are doing one for my SD bc she is turning 10 - and I asked their mom if she wants to help coordinate the photoshoot, such as theme, etc…and again - no reply. Last year despite the no response I still emailed her photos of her daughter of the photoshoot as I will this year too bc once again - i put my ego aside and go above and beyond for OUR kids. They are with us as much as they are with her. Yeah I didn’t give birth to my SDs but I am with them the same amount of time as she is, we have 50/50 timesharing.
It’s horrible the downtalk you women do on here. It’s quite sad. She has a reason? She does not. I honestly dont know what her problem is but we put our kids first in everything. She actually puts her bf first before her girls. For god sake, she makes her girls sleep in the living room and she has the room with her bf - and god forbid the girls are loud in the morning.
Meanwhile in our home the girls have their own room and beds. Their own personal space and mind you their mother makes a lot of money and would be able to provide a much comfortable living situation for her girls. So yes, I am the “horrible” person in the picture.
She’s been doing her own birthday celebrations and inviting my SIL and MIL. But I’m the horrible person for trying to do better…
I’ve done my part and will in fact continue to do my part. Bc the day my own kids have a step mom I would want the same respect and treatment coming from this individual. I want to make sure my kids are loved and taken great care off and most of all, being a priority. My family doesnt have to love my stepdaughters but they chose to love them as if they are blood and I would want the same for my kids if that ever happens.
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Good lord… all that should’ve been told to a therapist.
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Maybe consider it as dodging a bullet. If shes childish you dont want that around. If she doesnt feel well from pregnancy I dont see a reason she couldnt do her own thing. I know when I was pregnant family gatherings wasnt my thing. It’s unfortunate for the children involved but there could be more than one reason. Best not to judge too harshly. Have a bang up party for your girl and make it about her. You cant force someone do do something even if it would be in the best interest if the child. Good on you to be willing and ready though.
Does the mother not have full custody of her kids but you and your fiancé do? Also you aren’t the kids mother or even his wife. I am wondering too why the father is not having these communications with her and it’s you. Maybe there is a good reason she doesn’t want to be near you all but still… she should put her children before her hatred to you and the father.
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Stop already! Get over yourself you are doing this for you not gunna happen
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Wow most of you are so negative! As for communication being between the bio parents only is shit! As step mothers we are expected to love them and care for them as our own but we are not to talk to the other parents? Screw that! To the op. You have done the best you can the kids will see how much you have tried! Keep on loving them and putting them first!
She doesn’t have to walk your walk. I don’t think I would have liked your message. You started out by telling her you already know she was asked by her daughter and said no, but now you want to try and force her to go by putting it in her face. I think her message back to you was actually kind. She wants to live her life and have her own relationship with her girls separate from you and that’s fine. You need to move on and parent them when they are with you as you need to and leave bio mom alone or you then deserve her anger. Not everyone has the same heart as us and we have to respect that.
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I see many of y’all…“women” are in fact bitter ass Betty’s. She reached out and tried to let her know this is something the Lil girls want. Hell if love it if my kids had a. Step mom who wanted all to be involved. Hell yeah. Not this everything seperate all the time bs
I think you had good intentions but- the wording was bad. “Find it in yout heart…” that is condescending. I know you didnt mean it in a bad way but…
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Ive never attended any of my ex husbands parties he has had, now nor would I, also he’s never asked. Pride on my end, maybe. Not to be in a situation with others who I can’t stand, definitely. Now on the other hand, Ive invted him to some of ours, its always a no. When him and his ex split up (they have a kid) I invited her and she attended. The kids also treated and looked at her as step mom. Now that they are back together, neither will attend. Sometimes its just how the cookie crumbles. You’ve asked once and she gave her answer. Leave it at that and don’t be pushy.
Just punch her in the face.
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Her loss. Keep the letter. Show her daughter later on in years… you attempted to do a nice thing but Mom wasn’t having it… Even for the happiness of her daughter. Sad
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I’m speaking from experience when I say this my bd and his gf didn’t respect me when I said I didn’t want the kids around her that it was too soon , he left me for her and moved in with her at 3 months . They are now married after being together for 3.5 years . My point is I’ll never co parent with either one of them … I tried . He manipulate her to believe I was the one at fault and that I was lying about everything that happened , he told her about my mental health and she claimed I was mentally unstable with what I’m diagnosed with which i am not they took my girls away and had to fight 10 months to get them back . Therefore no my bd and his wife can pound salt I’ll never co parent with them. So leave it be . She doesn’t want anything to do with you guys so don’t try to force it .
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I think what you are trying to do is great my ex and I used to do combined parties when our kids were little mostly because we had a lot of mutual friends. I would be seriously pissed off if the current step mother sent me a message telling me to ‘find it in my heart’ about anything in regards to my own daughter. She was asked she said no let her be the one to explain to the kids why she doesn’t want to be involved. You can’t control what she does, so go have an awesome time with your step daughter and her friends!
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If the bio Mom wants to be that way there’s not much you can do about it other than make sure the girls have a good time on their birthdays with or without her…it is pitiful that she is that way though smh almost like she could totally care less what her inability to be an adult is doing to her kids smh
If she wants to have her own celebration, then that’s her choice as the mother. If this is the only thing yall are butting heads about, I call that a win! Coparenting with someone other than your spouse is difficult enough! No reason to add unnessecary headache to the situation.
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Me n my ex coparent amazing we have not always been that way but we are now but we still do separate parties!! We do a lot of stuff together for the sake of our daughter but we do a lot separately you have reached out n she chose her decision like it or not that’s that there’s nothing more you can do!! I however if I were you wouldn’t have worded it as fine it in your heart to do yeah that may not have been in the best interest to resolve this matter I maybe would’ve said this is there wish just so you know but the choice is yours the invites there have a good day but that was kinda idk bashing to the mom insinuating that she don’t have the best interest at heart!! The only thing you can do is tell your boyfriend daughter that you did invite the bio mom but she was unsure if she would be able to make it because she has important stuff to do that day that she is unsure if she’ll be able to attend it’s not necessarily a lie but depending on age may help the daughter not look at her bio mom in a bad way and will not have her looking at you in a bad way sometimes a little white lie is good in its place to protect the child at the time the last thing you want to do is say something that’s gonna make her resent her bio mom that’s not good at all good luck but it sounds like the coparenting in your case is as good as it’s gonna get n leave it at that
I applaud you for trying. Coparenting is hard. You just need to respect her wishes & leave it be. Make the birthday celebration with you guys memorable for the little one, let her mom do her own party. Theres no need in beating a dead horse.
First, you’ve got to remember that our job as stepparents is to support the bio parent in parenting their child. Run this stuff by Dad and see if he’s interested in sending her a message. If he is, great. ONE invite / message should be sent and then drop it. If he doesn’t agree, doesn’t follow through, whatever. That’s on him. When the girls mention how they want a joint party, tell them that it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen or it doesn’t seem like Mom and Dad are interested. If they ask why, direct them to Dad. Let him explain why he didn’t think it was a good idea or that Mom wasn’t interested when he invited.
Your second invite was overreach and had a judgy tone to it. I felt the same way as you did when I first became a stepmom - why can’t we all just get along? But I learned quickly that the truth is, some people just don’t want to get along and you pushing the issue only makes it worse.
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She should go not for u or her but for her daughter i think ur in the right un this situation in the end she is ibly gurting her daughter and un the future her little girl will remember this and gie hard u are trying ur doing a great job mama all kids with blended families should be so lucky best of luck
You can’t force anything so just stop. Be happy and enjoy your family. You are making stress for yourself and making problems that don’t exist. She is entitled to decline and it doesn’t make her a bad mom. You don’t know both sides of the relationship so you have no right to force that or to make anyone feel guilty for not wanting to do what you think is best. Again just stop and be a good mom and stop making this an issue.
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I guess the only reason I’d be upset as the mother, is I’d like to be invited to help coordinate the party, not just be invited to it. I would of maybe changed my wording to, S*** has stated wanting both her parents at 1 party, I’m reaching out to see if we could both put our heads together to do a spa day, per S***’s wishes. What’s your thoughts?
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Some people are and always will be childish. It’s obvious she’s not going to change her mind so just move on let it go
Nichole Kennedy I can’t tell you how happy I am that we actually know what it means to put the childs needs and wants above our on! I am so grateful to have you in our sons life! I couldn’t imagine being like of these very sad post I’ve seen.
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I’m sorry what for all the women in here like oh she don’t have to show up it’s her ex blah blah blah y’all suck like I would do anything and everything for my daughter and my stepdaughter like I would move freaking mountains to make sure that they were happy what mother wouldn’t except these half-assed ones your child is basically begging you to come to her birthday party so that she can have a party Under One Roof and grown adults can’t co-parent what a child can be begging you to get your s*** together and you still won’t do it yes but you should find it in your heart to get the hell over yourself…
As for you being the step mom I applaud the hell out of you for putting forth the effort in showing that you want to be able to co-parent correctly it’s not your fault that their mom isn’t on the right page but I can guarantee you that your step daughters will grow up seeing everything that you tried to do to make sure that they were happy and that will be the best reward of all of this
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Then that’s it. You cant force it. You and dad will have to have a chat and say it’s not gonna work…but now they get 2 parties which means 2 cakes, and extra bday gifts. Make it not so sad. Tell them you messaged mom but she isnt able to come. Period. Stop trying. There comes a point where u must just except how things are and make it as pleasant as possible. You cant force her to want to go to your party for the kids. It sucks, and maybe one day she will chill…but theres no point in getting frustrated and worked up over it, when you knew she wasnt having anything to do with your invite. It’s great that you tried though. Right on mama. Your awesome.
We do separate parties and the kids know that’s how it is. It wont ever change.
You did your best and you tried. So stop trying now and dont invite her to any more things. Just focus on being a great step mom and dont pay her any mind.
My ex asks about a joint party every year but I’m not interested. We communicate and co parent fine, but I’m not interested in being around his family. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. Yes I love my kids but this is not going to make or break their childhood.
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I have two step daughters both have a different mother. We celebrate with our “little” family and then they have separate ones with their mom and their families. My girls love it…they get two parties each year lol! However the girls know their daddy loves them and cares for their mothers in a friend way…I get along with both moms…well one hasnt been around for almost a year and we have had custody of our daughter for 3 years…but she sees. Your girls see too…and it will be on the mom for not involving herself…the girls will see how you tried and how she didn’t. She is only hurting herself.
Enjoy your own parties with them…they will remeber you doing that for them.
I am still confused as to why you just can’t have 2 parties. Why hell is this such a big deal. You are more involved then there dad
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I no u think ur doing the write thing but she is her mother and if she wanted to be their she wouldnt need an invatation!!! And its not like shes not involved in her life she is co parenting i dont see why you feel the need for her too be at the party yer havin 2 b honest shel have her own days with her kids making her own memorys with them and i personally dont understand why ye think it should be involving everybody… i get ur apart of the kids life n that you love them 2 but i perfectly understand it from her side
Honestly if my husband and I got a divorce ( I pray we never do!) I would not care what happened between us or any of that. My child wants me to be there, I will be there for them. I will not let my feelings or their fathers feelings or any of that get in the way of me being there for my child and being a good parent for my son’s.
I’m sorry that is your situation.
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Your message to me, came across as snide. “if you can find it in your heart to come to her celebration im sure she would remember this forever” ummm… Righto. Clearly she has told you regularly that its never going to happen, that for years now she has decided to have a seperate party, end of story. So Stop pushing? She is happy this way and maybe one day it will change but if not? No one can force it. She might not want to be near her ex either? To bad for the kids. They need to learn that its never going to happen and to stop asking too and re opening this pandoras box, Its been 5yrs? so if they haven’t understood that mummy and daddy will never celebrate together unless its their girls wedding day, theirs a problem.
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In my opinion, I would make sure the child/children are aware that you are opened to co parenting and that it’s her choice not to. I would never want my children to think or believe that i wouldnt do whatever it takes for their happiness . You are doing your best to love and support your children. You are an amazing mom for always putting their wellbeing before your own feelings.
Cant help it if she doesn’t want to . Just leave it be enjoy your time with the kids.
I invite my ex every year to our birthday party, my son is Sept 4th, I’m Sept 20th and my daughter is Sept 26th, so we have one bug party for all of us each year. He never really sticks around but he shows up. It’s awkward for everyone because I’ve moved on and we started our blended family with my current husband, but the effort is there. It’s just uncomfortable. When I had my 5 year old he brought my older two to the hospital to meet her, he sat down and stayed a while… it was weird. But I appreciate that he gave that opportunity to our children.
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I can’t lie… I wouldn’t want to go to a spa party that someone else coordinated for my daughter. It should be the other way, she has a parry and invites you or you should do this together. I would feel very belittled and ashamed “attending” my kids party. Keep it seperate. That’s what she wants and as long as she is doing anything small with them on their own then it’s fine. Just enjoy your time and let her have hers.
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Good for you. All you can do is keep trying. The children will see that and appreciate your efforts. I’m sorry it can’t be easier 
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Just let it be. You tried to do the right thing and reach out maturely and in an unselfish way. Congratulations on being a bigger person and caring enough to try… You have done your part and know you tried. Screw it. Don’t let it stress you out. It’s done
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Honestly, it’s irritating how many women on here are talking about the mom doesn’t want anything to do with you…okay? So SHE can still go to HER kid’s party. It has nothing to do with the stepmom, she’s just being kind by extending offers to her and it’s obvious the mom wants to keep her children’s parents as separate as possible. She was with that man for long enough to have not one, but TWO babies with him. Why would you just suddenly decide the guy is so bad you couldn’t stand to be around him? Sounds like she has an issue with another mom being around and instead of acting like an adult and sucking it up for the sake of her children, she’s making it more and more obvious that mommy and daddy aren’t together anymore. That’s the point of coparenting. To keep normalcy between the two parents for the sake of the babies and to keep it as cordial as possible. Her refusal to do that isn’t harming anyone but her own children.
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I’m a step momma too. I get it. You did this for your step kiddos and not yourself. You sound like a great step mom! I would just have the girls invite their mom. Continue to show her kindness. Cinderella kind of gave us a bad name but their are wonderful step mommas out there and you sound like one of them!
let her dig her own grave… youve invited her its all you can do… just do what you can to make it amazing for her birthday… her mother will find out in a few years just how bad shes screwing up and hopefully it wont be too late to mend her relationship with her kids
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Next time, offer to organise the party together. It will put you two on more equal footing x
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She won’t co parent? Or she just won’t come to party? Careful with wording. Being separated means separate everything to some, maybe she doesn’t want anything to with ex or you, you can’t force her to.
I guess I can say, at least you tried, and I think it’s best you leave it at that. It’s not wrong of mother to not want to come. I know I wouldn’t want to, but if my kid asked me to that probably would be a different story.
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Just leave it be
She sounds like her mind is made up. Just keep killin em with kindness but dont invite them anymore.
If she has a change of heart, let her come to you.
The kids may tell you one thing and her another… actually most certainly they do.
Also, my advice would be you not be the one to speak with her. Even if he has a bad rep with her just let him do it.
Our oldest is 22, his mother is no where to be found and before this round of the disappearing game she has been in and out since he was 2. My husband was not made aware of him until he was an adult and was raised by mom’s parents. We attend parties and other family functions with his mother’s family and our son’s younger siblings. He comes to family functions with my family. He is our child just as my 2 are our children. Family is family, and all are welcome. We are unique though, most people can’t blend like we do. Enjoy your time and don’t push mom bc in the end she holds all the cards. The kids figure out who loves them on their own and it’s best if that realization is that all 4 parents love them completely
Yes give up she has been plain an clear don’t waste your heart for her she sound vile
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The kids will grow up to see what is really going on and will resent her. Keep doing what y’all are doing.
She should be grateful for you. Keep being you you’re awesome.
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Some of the comments belittling you for your completely appropriate message and invitation is horrifying to me! Just keep doing what you are doing! Maybe next party have the kiddo help you make invitations and she herself can invite her momma! I know it is tough but it will be okay! Good luck!
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You’re doing everything right the mother is just a miserable troll keep doing you and being amazing eventually the girls will see how awful she is
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I dont think its necessary for her to come. She does her own celebration with her daughters. Nice of u to invite but Id let it go at that.
Ehh ya should have ask if she had party ideals for the girl…and throw out their that yall should do it together
Just leave it alone. The girls will know you tried very hard to make it work and they will love and appreciate that about you… They may have an issue later in life with how childish their mother behaved. Your doing great but just leave it at that and tell those sweet girls you tried everything but it just won’t ever happen.
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Just move on, it sucks but the ball is in her court at this point, if the girls ask, Id explain as age appropriately as possible, with out putting down their mom( that does no good) that their mom wants to have her own and declined your invitation
That way they know it wasn’t because of a lack of trying.
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She must not want to see the father. There is nothing wrong with two birthday parties. I wouldn’t have just one
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I’ve been their done that and it is hard and to this day those kids call me mom and not her
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Send her a note, asking for a fresh start. Send it with a gift of something you and the kids made for her. In the note, let her know that you love her kids too, but know she is the mom, and you would like to be friends. Offer to go out for a mani/pedi together, or get some lunch, so the 2 of you can perhaps become friends. This is what I would do.
All you can do is just be open and honest as possible with kids, depending on age level. Kids seem to see things we dont. It will all work out in the end. There really is nothing much you can do but what your already doing.
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Let it go! Life is different and that is a consequence of divorce.
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Honestly the only reason we see my husbands first wife is for our grandsons. Otherwise we would never see her. And his second wife we will never choose to see period because of her actions. All the kids are grown now. But we have never been ugly only tell the truth and facts.
I understand how the kids feel but if it’s only going to make everyone uncomfortable it’s really not worth it.
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My husband and I have the same issue with his BM. I don’t think there’s anything you can do except keep being the kind person you are. If she doesn’t want to coparent it’s her loss. Our problem is not only that, but my husband’s ex also talks bad about us to everyone, including our three boys. It’s causing major problems in our relationship with her and the children. We’ve got one in counseling already because of it, which, of course, she’s against. But we’ve got to do what’s best for those little ones. Forget the ex if she’s as toxic as my husband’s is. You’re better off keeping your distance. Children are smart, they will know you tried and will love you for that.
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My son’s father & I are civil. We get along when we have to speak/see one another, & so do our spouses. Granted his ex wife was awful & caused a lot of problems, but that was just her & had nothing to do with any of us including my son’s father. My son is now 20, so the dealings & speakings are rare, but I wouldn’t want to do birthdays with them &/or hang out. On top of not wanting to spend unnecessary time around them, I wouldn’t ever want my spouse to feel uncomfortable with the situation (not saying he would, but that could be the case here). We as parents do everything we can for our children to make sure they are healthy & happy, but sometimes what they want may cause negative reactions… while a child may want to eat a whole box of cookies, we know as parents it’s not good for them. Kiddos pick up on negative vibes regardless of how friendly you’re trying to be… she should have left it alone after the initial “pass” & not sent a passive aggressive note to push the issue further.
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Coparenting doesn’t necessarily mean being friends and hanging out every year. Stop forcing it. She’s made it very clear she doesn’t want a friendly relationship with you or their dad and she has that right wich needs to be respected.The girls should not know of any effort made or feelings their parents have as that can cause a division with their relationships and alienation.
I think you should just leave it alone. In all honesty you could have it so much worse with her and It sounds like she’s actually not that bad… I’d imagine it’s hard coping with the idea of another mom figure doing birthday parties for her daughter. Don’t get me wrong it’s wonderful of you but these things take time to adjust to. I would work on explaining to the kids that there is nothing wrong with having two parties. Maybe she’ll come around maybe she won’t but including his ex into yalls lives should never be something you are focused on.
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Drop it. She doesn’t want a relationship with you and your husband. Stop trying to force her into it. She is comfortable playing the victim perhaps to her daughter’s and your wanting to coparent endangers her story. I would continue to send her invites to the events that include her children as a consideration but no more trying to push a relationship. The girls will, if they haven’t already, realize their mom is full of bitter crap.
Maybe she can’t forget. She’s got her own version of the past. Be happy the relationship is at least civilized. It is not going to damage the kids to have two parties. It is more hurtful to keep trying and pointing out her reluctance. (Kids won’t care. Two parties…nothing wrong with that.)
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Learn from my experience please. She’s shown you who she is. Do your thing with his kids and let your husband deal with her. Don’t engage, don’t discipline, don’t ask the kids any questions about what goes on at their mothers. Show them nothing but love and kindness. Never say a negative word about their mother. They will love and appreciate you for it later. My husbands ex used the kids to get at me. I made a lot of mistakes. They finally understand how they were manipulated but it’s their mother. They will always side with her. Just be the best possible mom you can be and if it were me, I would never mention her name.
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Leave it alone… you shouldn’t have even sent the passive aggressive message after she declined the first invitation… She probably feels harassed… not everyone wants to hang out with their ex and their current partner 
I wouldn’t… Maybe she already has plans… Maybe she would rather have her own party so she can invite her family and friends as well… Maybe she hasn’t let the hurt go from their relationship… Maybe she’s not interested in playing pretend and acting like she’s enjoying herself in a situation that makes her uncomfortable… Maybe she’s still bitter toward one of his family members over something that happened that you know nothing about and she doesn’t want to chance running into them… Maybe she really does hate him You never know what the motivation is but you can’t use someone’s kids to force them to do something they’re not comfortable with… Leave her alone and stop trying to force her to be involved with your family… You can have a perfectly good coparenting system that doesn’t include hanging out and pretending to be friends or attending each others events… Also take into consideration the fact that YOU planned HER daughters birthday party and invited her to it… Maybe you would have had better luck if you asked her to help you plan it? Or maybe not because life is not a fairytale or a Facebook post and she may just really not want anything to do with you
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Ok not to be the more downer, but, i wouldnt of came either, i know your note was meant to be nice, but it sounds like you only want her there for the party, but you dont really want her to come. To much explaining in the note. It should of just said, we would like to invite you and so to sos bday party, let me know if you can make it. Thanks. Saying things like, you are her mother can be taken out in a negative way even though you didnt mean for it to be. You cant push things like that on people, it never works out. Just leave things as they are and someday it will work out.
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Leave it sit where it sits. She obviously has some issue and it’s on her. The kids see it. You have done all that can be done. Good on you. And good on your fiancé. Maybe one day it will happen😀
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Just leave it alone and move on. You tried. The girls are old enough to see the effort.
You’ve done all you can. And that’s all you can do
Wow she’s a total bitch. It’s sad to see how woman keeps bitterness even after moving on. What i would suggest is to try again one last time, but don’t do everything yourself, include her into the birthday planning and that way she can help out so that it doesn’t feel like only you are planning everything for her daughter’s birthday. Some women would feel a certain competition or an offense 🤷🏻…