My teenage daughter told me she was sexually active: Advice?

My teenage daughter who is only 14 came out and told me she been doing the nasty with her boyfriend I always told her I want her to be honest with me but she waited almost a month to tell me I feel like I did wrong as a mom I cried so hard because I can’t believe she is already have the nasty with this boy I failed as a mom how would y’all take this??

96 Likes

Go through birth control information, let her know you’re thankful she came to you ( regardless of waiting a month to do so) , get some condoms. You’re not a failure but also chill. She could’ve hid it until much later.

The very fact you keep calling it “the nasty” tells me you likely did not and are currently not approaching this well. If you told her to come to you just so you could feel like you are a good mom then ya you failed. If you did it because you want to be there for your daughter you didn’t fail. Get her on birth control ASAP. Set rules for company in your home and set expectations

134 Likes

Wow. Hope my mom didn’t feel this horrible when I came to her about being sexually active. :sweat_smile::roll_eyes:

Hope you were able to hide that feeling from her when she told you or she won’t be coming to you again with stuff.:woman_shrugging:t3:

82 Likes

Be happy she came to you at all. I never told my parents and i would be 1000% embarassed to even say it. So i dont think thats a fail on any part!

83 Likes

Unfortunately can’t undo what has already been done but you can prevent it from happening again, I mean as much as possible. 14 is too young and they don’t realize the consequences that can occur. Definitely make sure they were safe and used protection (not saying if they did that it makes it ok).

1 Like

Be thankful she even came to you at all I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her. Just give her the safety talk and let her know you appreciate she felt comfortable enough to tell you

53 Likes

I wouldn’t say you’re a failure, but I’m wondering how open and honest you are with your daughter, since you’re referring to it as “the nasty”… I have an extremely open relationship with all of my children, my son (14), has recently said that he and his girlfriend have been talking about “that step”. I’ve had a conversation with them about safety, respect, being prepared, the consequences etc.

The best thing you can do, is be open and honest with her, without judgement, and help her take the steps necessary to be safe. That way she will continue coming to you and being honest with you.

We were all teenagers once and while kids seem to becoming sexually active at a younger age, we should all know that kids will find a way to do what they want to do and I, personally, feel like it’s better to have open communication with your children so that they’re more willing to come to you.

1 Like

Get birth control for her and be glad she told you. My daughter got sexually active when she was 14 never told me got pregnant at 16 miscarried them. Doctor didn’t say anything to me. Finally when my daughter was about to give birth at 22 that’s when she told me everything.

1 Like

Really… the nasty…
You cried … I’m not understanding this at all
First of all you haven’t failed as a mother except for calling sex the nasty and crying when your daughter is being completely honest with you and probably needs some great parenting advice

1 Like

This is very very normal for kids her age. You did NOT fail! She’s a very normal teenager. As a Mom though, I recognize that it SUCKS! The reality is, you can’t stop them, no matter what you do. Shaming her or keeping them apart will only fuel them to want to be sneaky, and they will be. The best thing you can do now is process your own emotions about it, share with your daughter your feelings because I think it’s fair for her to know how you feel (without shaming), and help to educate her and keep her practicing safe sex. I feel for you, best of luck navigating this as you move forward 🫶🏼

you didn’t fail. I wasn’t sexually active until i turned 17, i didn’t tell my mom until a month afterward i started having sex with my boyfriend. It wasn’t cause i didn’t trust her or didn’t feel i could talk to her. I was just nervous and needed time to work out how i was gonna tell her.
Sit down and talk with her, answer any questions she may have. Make sure she understands what can happen from having sex: pregnancy, stds, sti’s,etc…
Also birth control ( we all know birth control isn’t for everyone) you both need to research birth control and also maybe set her an appointment to see a gynecologist that can answer questions about birth control, etc…, since she’s now sexually active and i’m assuming gets her period.
Teach her how to protect and take care of herself, since she’s now sexually active.

Honestly be glad she came to you
There is no manual for parenting we can try our absolute best to parent our children and our children are still going to do things we don’t agree with
You can’t help you cried that’s your baby
And getting that news is absolutely devastating and knowing that our baby’s aren’t so much so baby’s anymore but becoming a full grown adult it’s big news especially at 14

With that being said I would just have a talk with her and explain the reason you cried was just realizing how much she is grown and it hit you all at once tell her that your proud of her and coming to you that your not ashamed or angry and talk about birth control she definitely needs to be on birth control if not already

2 Likes

Id be devastated also but I’m also the mom that rather hid it please be honest with me so I could further protect and educate I’m sorry your hurt mama…start her on bc and get her, her check up no matter how much we teach our kids they make that choice you didn’t fail

2 Likes

You didn’t fail. You’re a great mom. Just talk with her about how to be safe :slight_smile:

I think that you are lucky she came to you. Even a little late. She didn’t have to tell you at all! That’s good parenting to me. If your child feels safe enough to tell you then you are doing a good job. Don’t be discouraged that it took a bit, it’s a hard thing to do to be open about that with your mama!
Kudos to you and to her!

Unfortunately, not uncommon in today’s world. Get her on Birth Control but also have a serious talk with her about waiting for sex until love is involved and when she is older. Good Luck!

Why are you calling it “the nasty” though? It implies something ugly and immoral when it’s not. Is she too young? Imo, yes, BUT you should feel some sense of pride that she felt comfortable enough to be honest with you in the first place. I’d suggest a sitdown with her about safe sex (reminders are always good!) and maybe discuss birth control options?

You didn’t fail as a mother we can give our kids the best advice it’s their choice to accept it or not

4 Likes

Also , remember birth control is her choice as well, not yours or the Drs. Don’t force it on her, just educate

70 Likes

You’ve not failed. She still come to you when she had the courage. Birth control and just talk to the boy about condoms. We can’t stop it sadly. My daughter (17) come to me. I’m thankful for that and hers was 2 weeks after it happened. She was already on birth control thank goodness. You’ve done good allowing her to come to you. We have to be friends and parents to be able to help our kiddos.

Be happy she came to you at all, that’s a big scary, first step. You should be proud of her for being honest and just be there for her and give her advice when she asks for it. It’s a hard thing to hear as a parent at any age, but she obviously feels comfortable enough with you to keep you informed and that’s a mom win. But the fact you call it “doing the nasty” makes it sound like you’re uncomfortable talking about sex and possibly haven’t approached the situation in the best way…

I have 3 daughters …my 1st born is 17 she had her first boyfriend this last year ( it’s over with them) and I told her that just because you have a bf doesn’t mean you have to have sex and remember it takes 1 time to get pregnant and you have a whole life ahead of you. While kids are great so is your future and having good communication and honesty is always the best policy. In this case my advice to you with the 14 yr old having sex …let her know that you are happy she came to you but wished it would have been before she was having sex …even if it was to talk her out of it. And let her know there is always a consequence for her actions this one becoming pregnant. If you want her coming to you for future handle this talk with care…kids are not afraid to talk to other parents that will be a listening ear. I would rather my girls come to me then another parent.

If she’s coming to you, it’s your job to help her protect herself. My daughter came to me at 14 and told me she was ready to take that step with her bf. I was shocked but so grateful. Together she and I discussed various options. She decided to go with one and I took her to Dr to get what she wanted. She’s 17 now, straight A’s in school and applying to colleges. I for one am thankful she had the courage to come to me. I’d hate to think what could have happened if she didn’t.

1 Like

Be happy she actually came to you! That is a huge accomplishment in my eyes. I would talk to her about protection and birth control. Do not force her to take it but give her the choice. She obviously loves and respects you enough to tell you. Way to go momma!!

1 Like

Your reference to your daughter being sexually active at such a young age as “doing the nasty” says a lot in itself. Get her on birth control asap and also have her doctor talk to her about std’s, some of which can be life threatening, before something bad happens. Hopefully you can talk with her in a serious adult way rather than the “nasty” slang talk and if not have her doctor do it. :woman_shrugging:t3:

2 Likes

She told you & that’s how you know you’re doing right by her. A good parent that she can communicate with. Try not to be too controlling and give and take where you can to compromise and keep your relationship with her trusting and healthy.

Try to just remember she’s going to do it whether you want her to or not, just teach her how to be safe and respect hers and others’ bodies.

10 Likes

I never told my parents until I was 16 and pregnant… talk to her, respectfully with proper words like ‘safe sex’ rather than ‘the nasty’. Help protect her rather than be disgusted in her. Maybe took her a month to tell u, but be thankful she did.

Super proud of her for coming to you honestly. :relaxed: I’d definitely get her on bc asap af but it shows a lot from her coming to you about it. I could never come to my mom about anything.

2 Likes

Be happy she told you and be respectful to her feelings. Have some conversations about how to protect herself and also guard her heart from getting hurt at such a young age. Remind her how quickly childhood goes by and to not worry about growing up so quickly. Definitely talk to her about the importance of protection and how easily STDs are transferred. Thank her for telling you and let her know she can come to you for anything she needs.

I feel like sex has become “taboo” and I think since she came to you, you’re clearly doing what you should because she is willing to tell you. Now just guide her to protect herself, get her on birth control that works for her and I think you’ve done wonderful as a mama. Kudos

Just talk to her about sexual diseases. Also about respect for herself and also to be careful whom she chooses to possibly spend the rest of her life with. Even if they don’t marry they will still be tied for the rest of their lives by their children they might share. This was the talk I had with mine. God bless. Don’t worry. She’s in God’s hands. Have faith in her to be wise and encourage her to put her education first so she can be independent and not worry a out her future. I’m sure she’ll be fine.

His parents should be informed. And you should be educating both of them of safe sex and getting your daughter on birth control.
14 is young. But if you punish her, she’ll find other ways to do it and then some…

You have not failed as they didn’t come with a manual… (god i wish they did)… but the fact she told you is huge for her… be happy she felt she could come to you about it, not all kids can… kids are going to experiment and not much we can do as parents but advise them to be safe and make some ground rules around it…

1 Like

I understand 14 is on the young side , but imo you’re being a little over dramatic. Calling it the nasty and crying so hard ? Hopefully not in front of her… it’s a done deal , you can’t change it. All you can and should do is have an open and honest conversation with her , as well as educate her (properly) on birth control , condoms , risk of sti’s , consent , etc . Please do not shame your daughter. If you expected her to come tell you , then you should know she is mature enough to have an adult/honest conversation without judgment from the one person she should never be judged by .

1 Like

You are not a failure also mama. Cool she told you. Even if it was a few months after…she told you…
You done a good job mama.
That boy though.

Have a few words with him.

1 Like

Thats becoming average for the age. Sit her down and open up the discussion for her, make sure she knows youre a safe space and give her the chance to make decisions for herself. If she wants birth control, etc. Forcing decisions on her is only going to push her away.

1 Like

First be happy she came to about being sexually active. Second get her on birth control and get condoms. This will help her know that you are there for her.

3 Likes

Birth control but also that’s around average. Don’t get upset at yourself or her. She told you and that’s what’s important she made an adult decision so you need to have an adult conversation not trying to scare her but explain everything to her answer any questions but be understanding. Nothing will stop her i know from experience I snuck out the house, I skipped school. So treat this an adult conversation and don’t shame her for having needs that are normal. Maybe offer to letter get a toy instead of Messing around.

Be grateful she even told you. You didn’t do anything wrong teens are having sex. Maybe she didn’t tell you cause she feels like you would react negatively. And from your post I’m guessing that’s why. Don’t shame her. Don’t make her feel guilty etc. set an appointment up with the doctor and have her go in by herself and let her talk to them about birth control etc.

First off, stop thinking of it as “the nasty.” Those are just shameful words. Second be happy she told you. Talk to her about safety, the emotional impact it might take and that even though you would prefer her to not be engaging in sexual behavior so young, if she does then she has to be mature enough to come to with any worries or questions. Discuss birth control options and bring her to the OB. Get her on birth control that you both agree on and explain that condoms are a must. I personally would leave a box of condoms somewhere. Let her know she can take them when need be and she won’t be in trouble. Thats just me though. Also please talk to her about what is and isn’t ok in sex. I.e. Both partys need to consent. A man that guilts or pressures you is not the man you want to be doing things with, because a man that loves you won’t pressure you. Don’t go somewhere with someone you don’t know and trust to have sex (it happens with teens. Hormones and all that.) And all the dangers that could go along with those things. Also revisit these conversations every 3 to 6 months. Ask her about how relationships are going and if she would like to talk about anything that is going on in her sexual life. It let’s her know the door is always open and if she doesn’t feel comfortable bringing something up, it gives her an opening to discuss it.

With all of this, please remember you have to be non judgmental, open to listening, and non shaming. It takes a lot of work from both of you to have open communication about these topics.

Get her on birth control if she isn’t, educate on safe sex. Step back, take a deep breath and then just be thankful she was honest with you. You can’t change it, control it, but you can educate.

If you speak to her like the way you wrote this post , she won’t tell you anything else or be honest with her. It’s her body and her choice , all you can do is advise her on safe sex. Your kids acting on hormones and curiosity isn’t a parent failure. It’s just life. You can tell her you don’t want her doing that or waiting , but in the end she will make her own decisions. Don’t be supportive of her doing the deed, but educate her on safe sex and the cons of having sex young. Don’t shove it down her throat , but give her the information

As sad as it is… this day that’s the normal age. I wouldn’t call it the nasty to her. Its sex. Support her confidence in you and guide her how to be safe and how to remain that way. You can’t force her to take birth control but I highly suggest a calm motivating conversation to get her to open up to the idea of it.

I was 14 when I first did it! I think 14 is a common age these days. I would start birth control immediately. I wouldn’t say you failed, she came to you that’s a big step, I’d never feel comfortable telling my parents when I first became sexually active

2 Likes

Unfortunately it seems to start earlier with every generation. She may have waited Mom but be thankful she did talk to you about it. Don’t beat yourself up, as parents we can lead but you can’t make them follow. Be open with her about birth control and pregnancy.

1 Like

I was the same age when I became sexually active. I was in love, and we actually went on to have a son and were together for 8 years. Just make sure you speak to her about birth control! Tell her the pull out method does NOT WORK work together to figure out which option will be right for her, so she doesn’t end up a young mom like me. :heart:

1 Like

You did not fail, please know that!! The fact that she felt ok to come talk to you shows what a good mom you are!!! I would get her on birth control because let’s be honest kids are not always going to use protection…but condone and give to her as well, and let her know you are always there for her!! Hugs momma kids are not easy

3 Likes

The only way that you’ll fail as a mother in this situation is if you let your daughter know that she’s making you feel like a failure. Being sexually active is normal, be thankful that she came to you! Get her on birth control, ask if she has any questions or concerns. Just be there for her! You’re not failing, mama.

11 Likes

Unless you want to be a grandmother get her on the pill. No Mom would be happy about this but since she is active she is not going to suddenly stop no matter how long you lock her up. She will find a way. Tell her you love her but you think she should have waited until she was older but get her on the pill now.

Be open with her. Have the safe sex talk. Get her on birth control. It has nothing to do with you failing mom. They do it when they want and no one will stop them. Keep communicating with her…

Wasn’t a teen mom but my mother was & she tried to do everything in her power to make sure I didn’t end up like her, by her doing that made me go against everything she wanted . I don’t have the greatest relationship with her either. But as a mother of a girl if my daughter came to me and told me this my frist thing would be to talk to her and ask her what she’s doing. What are consequences to her actions if she isn’t protecting herself, or if he’s not protecting himself, talk about ins & outs ect. (Everything about it) And then sit both of them down & ask what they are doing what their plans are consequences. Everything that comes with being sexually active. And then I would go and tell his parents so they are aware of what is going on … if my daughter wants me to go with her to talk to the parents I will. I will tell parents I am in no way okay with this. And I in no way approve, BUT the more you hold a adolescent against the things they want to do they will make them become sneaky & they will find a way to do it weather we like it or not. But I am just letting you know what is going on.

My 16yo told me about 3 hours after his first time. We had many good talks before and after. Talked safety and contraceptives and not letting anyone disrespect their body or mind. Be grateful she trusts you enough to say so. No shaming from me, just open honesty of what it all is.

15 Likes

You should be glad she told you… teenagers are very curious around that age… get her on birth control right away… and try not to shame her for it or make it about yourself because I guarantee she will never come to you for anything personal ever again

1 Like

You did not fail. You asked her to come to you and she did. That is a win.
Take her for testing and BC. Preferably with a female ob/gyn nurse practitioner who specializes in working with adolescent girls. They take more time. Allow her privacy during the visit.

Be glad she told u get her on birth control and don’t feel bad she come through her changes and I was to scared to tell anyone till I was pregnant

6 Likes

I’d say the fact that you’re calling it “the nasty” probably means that you have a very different view of what it is. I mean, at least she told you & she didn’t get caught or something. Get her on birth control if she’s going to be active as that’s the best way to go about it. She’s being honest which is more than I could say at 14. I mean, my parents had to find out from my exes parents because we got caught on his dad’s bday so… take it as it comes. I think she should definitely not be chastised for it as it’s a normal part of life and it’s hard to accept but she would do it anyways and you haven’t “failed”. She’s experimenting.

1 Like

First of all stop calling it the nasty. Get her on birth control and make sure she understands the importance of condoms. STDs run so crazy through schools. Have an honest and open conversation with her and her obgyn to make sure she is properly educated on the risks and how to protect herself.

1 Like

1st get her on birth control
2nd make her watch secret life of the American teenager :sweat_smile:

1 Like

My opinion is birth control. She’s already doing it protection is the key. It’s only human nature. If not. There’s only one thing coming out of unprotected. A baby!!

12 Likes

Tread carefully. It’s good that she felt comfortable enough to come to you. Get her to a doctor a.s.a.p. and get her on birth control. Then check the laws in your state. Depending on her age (14) and the age of her bf, they could be breaking the law. Also be aware that the parents of the bf could file sexual assault charges against her, and heaven help you if they are both under 18 and sending each other naked pics they could both be charged with distribution of child pornography.

The first thing you should do is to stop calling it “ the nasty “
There’s is not much to do because she is already active , I will have a very serious conversation with her with out making her feel guilty for betraying you .
I will talk about birth control , stds , pregnancy etc. I will teach her about the menstrual cicle , when is safer to do it etc.

2 Likes

Go through birth control information, let her know you’re thankful she came to you ( regardless of waiting a month to do so) , get some condoms. You’re not a failure but also chill. She could’ve hid it until much later.

48 Likes

Hey listen. I don’t know about you but I did everything my mom raised me not to do. She told you that’s what matters. I understand my mom more now that I’m a mom. But it’s not her fault . Now I talk to my teenage daughters and I tell them I speak from experience. As moms we never fail them we do the best as moms with what we’ve been through and learned.

3 Likes

She came to you. That’s an accomplishment in itself. Kids are doing it a lot younger. You’re not a failure :heart:

9 Likes

You are not a failure it was going to happen eventually all you can do now is make sure she knows the risks involved and also that she is allowed to change her mind and say no at any time. Make sure she knows that any man she sleeps with needs to respect her body and take her to get some condoms so she can have protection even if the boyfriend has none.

While 14 is a bit young, you need to be sex “positive.” Don’t shame her! Get her on birth control and STOP calling it “the nasty!”

  1. stop calling it “the nasty”
  2. talk to her about safe sex and birth control
    :heart:

It happened. Now it sounds like you should be discussing sex education, condoms, safe sex (std/sti outside of condom use) etc. (if not already) to at least help her be informed about her body and decisions.

The best thing you can do is as a parent is to be open with her and explain her options. Go over birth control options, condoms, STDs ECT. I have a 14 Year old daughter and we’ve talked about it openly and have talked birth control and condoms ect. She’s not active yet thankfully. But she feels comfortable talking to me about everything.

1 Like

Be thankful she told you. I highly recommend taking her to get on birth control.

Like a mom who realizes that at least it’s only been a month then her little self would have a doctors appointment to get on birth control and a lot of supervised at home activities.

First…I’m faking it until I get to meet up with this boy…yes boy…my daughter…ONLY daughter ever have her BOY friend get her to do the nasty…
Her 4 brothers…he WILL answer too

Well u honestly can not force her to stop so best option is take her gyno and discuss her options for safe sex

Sooo… take my daughter at 14 to get birth control is what I’m getting from this… lol I’m not mad just get uncomfortable talking about it.

1 Like

Get her a pregnancy test, get her birth control, and stop calling it “the nasty” if you want her to keep coming to you.

You didn’t fail! She did come to you when she felt safe doing so. Definitely get birth control and talk about STDs and ask her if she knows his past so she can be aware of potential issues.

Have a detailed talk about contraceptive options. A guy I work with got the arm implant for his daughters when they became active. Help her understand the consequences and that accidents can and do happen. My brother’s ex wife had two kids to two different guys before she was 18. Got pregnant at 14, delivered the baby just after her 15th birthday. 9 months later she was pregnant with her 2nd.

yeah in my house no dating allowed until after they graduate high school. Period…I won’t even let them play house or baby dolls or pretend bf/gf in kindergarten. Absolutely nothing, I don’t allow sexualized tv programs or music also no electronics ever no youtube no tiktok no thing. kids should be allowed to be kids. if we keep treating them as adults they will act like one.

No offense but reality these days are kids/teens starting to explore sexually around 14 years old, male and female. Even if you try to make her feel guilty for exploring what is 100000% natural she will go behind your back anyway and do it. It doesn’t sound like the topic in general has been approached correctly from the beginning. Call having sex what it is, sex. Best thing to do as a mom is thank her for being open and honest about it to begin with and take her to the dr to have an HCG, STD test and possible birth control. Although with her being 14, at least here in WA the age of consent is 13 for reproductive health so you wouldn’t be able to force her to do anything testing wise or BCP wise unless she wanted it and also has the ability to tell her PCP anything sexually related an they arent allowed to tell you. You didn’t fail as a mother, shes a teen and learning and your only job is to be there for her and help guide her without being criticizing and posting her personal business publicly.

You didn’t fail! My daughter is 14 and I found out she’s been smoking weed. I have had the conversation about sec and drugs (her dads an x addict) but she has still choose this road. It’s heartbreaking!

3 Likes

Adolescent Dr’s are best! They know how to educate children. They also can offer children to be put under for placement of IUD so it’s not at traumatic. The Mirena is now good for 7 years meaning she will be 21 when it’s time for a new one! Highly recommend.

My mom put so much fear in me as a child about getting pregnant I was too scared. I waited til 17 and she met him and liked him. She never gave me permission or told me to tell her when I did it which is permission. She said you better not bring no babies up in here and I mean that ish. I had my first baby at 36 and I was scared to tell her I was pregnant.

11 Likes

My mom asked me the night it happened. Idk she just knew. And had me on birth control within 2 days.

Take her for birth control and have the talk with her again there is nothing you can do.

Take her to get birth control and make sure she has condoms on hand at all times. Keep talking to her. You did not fail as a parent.

The fact that she came to you and told you shows that you havnt failed at all, when I teenager can come.to her mum and tell her somthing like that says alot xx

You’re lucky she waited until she was 14. Most kids are a lot younger now’a days. Have you seen the world their exposed to? It’s bound to happen.

1 Like

Get her on birth control and be supportive.!

1 Like

You didn’t fail
She’s alive and she told you about it

My suggestion is to educate her more about it and talk about birthcontrol

7 Likes

First off- Calling it “the nasty” isn’t going to help matters.

2nd- take a step back and breathe & regroup.

3rd- call your GP or OBGYN for opportunities on birth Control.

Once you regroup have an open talk about STI’s IUT’s ect… Also keep the line’s of communication open for ongoing talks with her.

I got pregnant at 14 had my oldest at 15 he just turned 14 scares me to death :grimacing: the std tactic is what I try to instill in my son head

You did not fail, at least she told you though.

Wow. You can’t even use the word sex. Not slang, not euphemisms. Use what it is.

Deal w/your Emotions Later & Get Her Some Protection NOW!!:ok_hand: :100:

#1 at 14 she should never been dating or left alone with a boy.

10 Likes

Well at least she told you

Stop calling it the nasty and educate her on safe sex. That means birth control AND condoms.

Get her to the gyno asap, get her on BC, don’t shame her or she’ll never tell you anything again. You told her to be honest and she was. Put your feelings aside for now. Have a serious talk about multiple forms of birth controls and how they work, always having a condom on hand because not one birth control is 100% effective.

Be happy she got the courage to tell you at all!