My wife refuses to put her daughter to bed at a decent time: Advice?

So I’m not a mama. I’m actually the papa but I joined this group to get more of an insight on how women think and handle certain situations.Recently I’ve been going through a personal battle that I need some advice and insight with. Every night I find myself falling asleep alone because my wife works the swing shift and feels like it’s ok to come home and allow her daughter(my step-daughter) to stay up as late as her. Every night we have her(which is bi-weekly), is a struggle for us because I plain and simply cannot get my wife to force my step-daughter to go to bed at a decent hour. It has obviously taken a toll on our sex life during those weeks and I don’t know how else to relay to my wife that this is problematic

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You two are soon going to be dealing with a teenager who is going to want to replace you with someone to cuddle before bed…so you gently explain to them both the importance of going to bed early while you both cuddle her perhaps with a story or some nice music

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My wife refuses to put her daughter to bed at a decent time: Advice?

I think some of yall are siding with mom because the poster is a man. The child needs a decent bedtime in order to be healthy and grow. The child needs a good amount of sleep to function in school. If this where a mom posting yall would be telling her to file for divorce

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She’s supposed to give up her time with her daughter so you can get laid? You knew she had a kid when you married her, yet you sound surprised she’s wanting to spend time with her daughter. So if she put her daughter to bed earlier, do you think that means she’d come right to bed with you instead? Moms need time to zone out at the end of the day, so you’d probably still be alone

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Sounds to me she wants to spend time with her daughter and the only reason there would be a problem in other areas is because you are taking it personally :woman_shrugging:t2: her daughter will grow up. Things will change as she does. It doesn’t have to effect anything unless you let it.

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You should leave, in my opinion. There is nothing wrong with her staying up with her child to spend time with her. Like you said, she see her bi weekly. You miss out on alot of time. Her kid comes first, not you. :woman_shrugging:

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I have 50/50 custody and my daughter still goes to bed at 9 pm. We have quality time together doing meaningful things . Just staying up late doesn’t mean they are spending that awake time together. They just stay up until the same time. If this was a momma asking gals advice would be completely different.

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Yall are getting after a man for wanting to spend time with his wife late at night? Do yalls kids not have a bedtime and a schedule? Marriage is important too. He’s not saying he doesn’t want the child around, good grief ladies. Time management is important. Kids need consistent bedtimes to get enough rest and I’m sure her dad has a bedtime for her when she’s there. My kids have always had a bedtime. Why are yall treating him like he’s evil? Lol mom may Want extra time w her kids it makes sense to me, but KIDS NEED Schedules.

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Doesn’t matter that’s between her and ex that’s their kid not yours so whenever their DAUGHTER wants or does that’s up to her mom and her dad ---- step back — every female will choose her kids over anyone

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My first thought is that she’s trying to spend more time with her. Your wife doesn’t have to go to bed when you do, it’s ok to sleep alone. Let her be with her daughter.

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Considering her daughter doesn’t live with her…let them be. She doesn’t get to spend time with her daily. Her daughter is there biweekly.

Maybe try hanging out with them…?.bonding…ya know as a family.?

You don’t get to have her all to yourself. Her daughter is her number 1 priority as she should be.

You sound selfish, jealous, and spoiled.

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I feel like there are a lot of variables that go into this …
How old is the child? Is she in school? Is she young enough to warrant a bedtime?

My advice without knowing any extra details would be to sit down with your wife and express your feelings, try to see if y’all can come to a compromise . See what her reason for letting the daughter stay up is. If it’s because she wants to spend time with her , see if maybe y’all can have 2 nights where she sets a bedtime for her so you and her can go to bed together. And the other nights she can spend one on one time with her daughter.

Marriage is all about compromise and communication .

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She just wants that extra time with her. Before you know it they’re grown and don’t want to spent time with you so let her have this. Its only bi weekly anyways and won’t be long and nest will be empty and you’ll have forever together. Maybe some nights you spend that time with them as well. And when kids not there make things romantic, dinner .movie bubble bath bam

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I’m thinking most commenting on here DO NOT have step children or aren’t even married. You can NOT let a child run your household. What happens the weeks she isn’t there? Does she stay up late at dads house too? Children will push all boundaries with a step parent bc they know their bio parent will let them do as they please bc they feel “guilty” over their situation. If you raise a child up respecting their step parent and knowing them in a parental role it is so much easier on the child and there’s not so much commotion and drama when their step parent has to reprimand them bc they already have the same respect for them as they would their bio parent. Try talking to your wife in a different way, let her know how you are feeling but not when y’all are arguing already, or frustrated. Maybe write it down, ask your wife to a nice dinner, already have the plans and have her get dressed up and go out. Laugh and talk with her. Ease into any types of conversations, but let her know she is your top priority and you will listen to her as well as long as she can listen to you. Marriage is super hard and even harder when you have children.
Good luck :crossed_fingers:

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Is it affecting the child in anyway ? I know with my kiddos that routine is important . But I also know how it feels to go alone and wake up alone every night … communication is key !

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I mean, his argument would be valid if it didn’t sound completely selfish AF. He just wants to get laid, and isn’t actually concerned about the child or her well being. Sounds like moms priorities are with her child, and sounds like she puts husband on the back burner while her kiddo is there. Tbh, I see no problem unless staying up with mom a little later affects her wellbeing. Js. :woman_shrugging:

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Well I would never give up time with my kid because some manchild was throwing a tantrum like a 3 year old because he isn’t getting enough attention. If you really want to know how women think about this, I think most would agree their children come first.

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She doesn’t get to see her daughter for weeks at a time and you’re upset she’s spending time with her when she’s home? You don’t need to be jealous. You can deal with not getting a piece for two weeks or wait till she is asleep. It’s not a competition, maybe include yourself. Or if it’s that bad maybe put the kiddo to bed for her. Either way this is YOUR issue.

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Sounds like a “me, me, me” problem.
She gets her kid biweekly and works a weird shift. Sounds like YOU need to make an adjustment to be more accommodating to the situation.

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Sorry but if I had my child every other week(end) and i worked the swing shift id be spending as much time with my kid as i want/how i want. Even if that means they stay up :woman_shrugging:. You are taken it personally your wife doesn’t have to go to bed when you do or anything else to that nature… if i was her my child would come before any person I’m with married or just dating :woman_shrugging::woman_shrugging: Sarah Diveley

Well, apparently some of you that can’t read it didn’t put weekend I put week with (END) NOT weekEND as in if the MOTHER had the child on the week and the week(ENDS) some of y’all read what you want to see :woman_facepalming:

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Bi-weekly ?? As long as your wife makes you feel like a man bi-weekly , respect her time with her daughter and take a back seat … them kids don’t stay little long … (oh yeah I’m a papa of 3 and somehow on this page as well lol)

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How old is her daughter? Is it the only time she gets to spend with her throughout the day?

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I’ve worked the night shift, day shift, evening shift… The any shift I wanna take shift. I have 5 kids and an almost 10 year relationship. My 3 other kids are his step kids. Your house is your house, your rules, your marriage. Everyone has a right to express their frustrations. There needs to be communication and understanding. Things like these, yes can take a toll! Work it out, make time! No excuses.

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Seems somewhat a control issue and some Jealousy. She’s not focused on u totally. Let her spend time with her daughter while she can . Daughter gets older and wants to do different things which will cut time with her mom. Please be understanding. Mom is All yours for 2 wks.

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Don’t try and figure out women… You gonna drive yourself crazy

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How old is the daughter?

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This is 2022 , you can be what ever you want. :roll_eyes::grin:

Do you help
Her put her to bed? If it late shouldn’t you have put her to bed yourself? Or helped inst we d of going to bed? Not your problem? Good thing she didn’t have kid with you. Or your opinion would drown you. Selfish.
Yeah that’s I deal with this. Help
Her don’t go to bed and watch movies alone. And you dont deserve sex
I said what I said.

She probably just wants to spend more time with her and that’s the only way she can make it happen. It’s special for us mama’s to put our babies to bed. Sorry about your sex life but she probably sees her kid as more important than that.

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Your sex life is no where near as important as her daughter. Good for her for prioritizing her child and spending time with her.

I guess someone forgot to tell you your dick isn’t the center of the universe.

Depending on age of daughter, when else does mom see her and what happens when daughter isn’t there(biweekly)

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So it’s all about sex right? Maybe she just wants to spend time with her. SMH

I’d just deal with it honestly. U get your sex all the time, u can let her spend time with her daughter (that she doesn’t have, as much as u have ur sex) and let her be. She’s working and trying to spend time with her child. Not being rude, but how about if you were her? I personally would tell you I’m sorry, but my kids first and I’m going to spend the time I get with her. Get over it, under it, I don’t care. You got two hands to handle ya self sweet heart.

She has her bi weekly and is at work so likely she wants the extra time with her at night when she can have it.

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She gets her daughter bi-weekly but sees you everyday?? I don’t know how to take this. It’s almost sounds like you are upset that you aren’t getting as much sex when the daughter is there and that’s what you are upset about . I agree kids need bedtimes but when you threw sex in there you made it completely something else. Sound a little jealous.

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I’m with you. The child should have a decent bedtime every night. If her job makes it to where the kids sleep schedule and your relationship are disrupted then she needs to find another job.

You should come first as her husband. She married you and that’s your house and space. She should respect you and it and honestly her daughter by maintaining consistency. Has to be hell for her dad to get her back and try to again force decent bedtime hours.

Your wife is selfish.

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OI… What is her bedtime at her dad’s house?
Realistically, she should have the same bedtime at both houses. It will keep her on a better schedule especially if she’s school age and has to wake up early for that. Kids need a good 7-8 hours of sleep.
It’s also hard to bring up because it’s not your daughter. Mama could get alittle defensive about it.

Maybe try putting the daughter to bed while Mom is still at work ? Just a few nights.

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So you don’t have sex as much during the week she has her daughter. If it is only biweekly and not when it is just the two of you might want to let this slide.

Communication is key. Just let her know in a kind way how you feel and maybe you both can come up with a plan that works for both of you.

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So… You’re not worried about your step daughters health or your wife’s mental state. You just want to get laid more?

Sounds about right for a male. :unamused:

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How old is step daughter? All kids should have a set bedtime whether their bio/step.

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My first thought is she is only seeing her daughter bi-weekly. She’s probably making the most of the time together and trying to make it enjoyable for the daughter. She’s with you every hour of every day that you’re both home. That’s not the case with her daughter. Please let them enjoy the time together

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Just communicate this with her, I feel this can make things better.
Hopefully you can have some alone time.
Doesn’t have to be everytime.
My son doesn’t always go to bed on time and that can be rough sometimes.
How old is her daughter?

How late is late? And how old is the kid

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Seems like she’s trying to spend more time with her daughter & you’re upset you can’t have sex at the drop of the hat. (Which is really problematic)

Going to bed alone isnt the end of the world, & it’s not like she’s not home at night. She’s just staying up late with her daughter & honestly probably trying to calm down & relax so she can go to bed.

Well let’s say this. You already fucked up bro. You brought sex life into this. You went from sounding like a concerned step father to a selfish lover in 2 sentences. Are you mad cause you can’t have sex every other week? Or because you actually are concerned for your step daughter. If it’s the sex one. Deal with it.

Welcome to married life.

If it’s the concern for your step daughter. Share your feelings but again…deal with it because I’m sure between working shifts and shared custody. Mom wants to see her kid and kid wants to see her mom.

Having your child bi weekly is heartbreaking. Like your heart is walking around outside of your body. It is definitely just her trying to spend as much time as possible. Please try to support her in this.

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This is very similar to my situation. I didn’t realize how important it is to go to sleep together at the same time. Communication is your best option.

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She wants to spend every waking moment with her daughter when she has her… and that’s perfectly okay :wink:

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How old is the daughter? Its bi weekly. Its Her daughter.

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Sounds like she wants to spend time with her daughter since she doesn’t have her full time. If you are only saying this because you aren’t getting sex on those nights…… :expressionless: I have zero compassion for you. It isn’t all about you. Go ask this in a men’s group.

Every child should have a sleep schedule.I can understand where you’re coming from. Sounds like mom misses her baby girl because she works those hours and shares custody. If you can’t get over not getting any, then maybe you should move on. Sad to say but most mother’s will choose their babies every time,no matter the situation. Maybe find a single woman with no kids.

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I used to have this same argument with my bf about my daughter. The more mad her got about me not forcing my child to go to sleep so we could spend time together, the more mad I got because I felt like he was trying to get rid of my daughter. It went on for years n he finally helped me get her on a good sleep schedule. I’m stubborn and the way he was saying it made me
Defensive. Maybe try explaining this to her in a different way then u have been? My daughter was a baby then, like 2-4 so she didn’t need to be up so late, and it was good for her to get into a routine and go to sleep at a normal hour. We just needed to learn how to communicate with each other better.

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Kudos to you for joining!

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She has her bi weekly, which means your wife only sees her every other week and only has that time to spend with her daughter. Let her spend time with her and not feel like she missed out on being there when she’s older. You knew what you were getting into when you married her. Make the effort to have a great sex life every other week or set one night aside for the two of you weekly.

U no wat big deal no sex so wat horney have a wank she gets home wants to spend time with her child it’s normal it’s not all the time but only wen U have her deal with I am a mother who don’t have custody of my kids Ur issue U have U would be given 2 choices from me deal with it or there’s the door dnt come back because if they want to stay up wth me I let my kids stay up until I go to bed oh I also co sleep so they don’t go to there own rooms Nd beds they have them for if THEY want to sleep in it but usually there in my bed wth me Nd stiff shit someone told me it is problematic I say no the problems are U my kids are 2 Nd 13montbs old

Also…BOLO a steady stream of misandry

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Does she have a consistent and decent bedtime at dads? Or is she use to being awake until whenever alllll the time? If it’s a free for all everywhere it’s going to take some work to get her use to sleeping at a decent time.

Make as plain to her as u did for us‼️

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How old is this daughter? Doesn’t she have school or day care in the mornings?
I think you should discuss your role as a step dad. My new son in law is awesome correcting my grands. He doesn’t embarrass them, just says quietly that they know what behavior is acceptable.
Is you step sight goes to bed at a decent time, is your wife up alone?

I was like, “aw, this guy cares about his step daughter’s bedtime. Maybe not all men are trash,” then he fails to mention the daughter’s age or the time and ends it with, “this is taking a toll on our sex life.” And it all came together.

I see both sides honestly. The daughter should go to bed at a decent hour I agree. :sleeping: an irregular sleep schedule is honestly the cause of a lot of behavioral issues in young children. But honestly the best thing you can do is talk to her and let her know what you think and how it makes you feel. :heart::heart::heart:p.s. I absolutely love that you joined this group as a bonus dad!!!

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 It’s only two weeks out of the month! It won’t hurt you to do without!

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Do you have children? Sounds like she is just trying to spend time with her daughter bc she only gets her 2 weeks out of a month which stinks as a parent bc they grow so fast and time flies. If she is working 3-11 or something like that, why would it upset you that the child is waiting up to see their parent they don’t see as much to begin with? I think you need to put yourself in their shoes to understand. You get her all to yourself for 2 weeks a month.

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For a little I feel asleep in couch with youngest because I was going through a period of being exhausted. Plus he wanted sex every night. And telling him i didn’t want sex because I do tired, was harder to do that falling asleep on couch. She might need space. Talk to her and hear her out. Now judgement. Were all human.

Personal time with your partner is important in a relationship period. Tell her things need to change. It’s not about being selfish. Has to be some common ground or the relationship will be over.

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Balance it out by making date night a part of the week where y’all are child free. Focus on what you can control right now. I know co parenting is difficult at times, lots of big feelings from all participants!
Side note, I do wonder on the age of your step daughter?

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Her daughter doesn’t live with her. So the only thing I can say… it’s fine. She only want to be with her and every mom can understand that. She is with you all the time 24/7 and with her daughter only biweekly.

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So it’s not about the step daughter getting a good night sleep!! It’s about you not getting a sex

It’s not about you. She’s putting her child first. Spending time with her daughter first.
Don’t take it so personally. Realize as a parent this is a sacrifice she makes.
Honestly, if it bothers you that much, you should have picked someone that didn’t have kids.
I’m sure she wants to smash too sometimes but the little time she has, she spends it on her kid.
Sounds like a pretty stand up lady.
You’re being SELFISH.

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Sounds like she’s just spending time with her kiddo. I wouldn’t try making yourself a priority over that.

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I’d have more sympathy if you were concerned about an irregular sleep schedule negatively effecting children. But nope. Your whining bc every other week your sex life dips bc you married someone with a child. JFC get over yourself

Can she request that her work schedule be more accommodating to her weekends with the kiddo? That would be ideal. If she could have at least one of those days off to be with you guys …as a family. Wishing you all the best! Through open and loving communication, I know you guys will figure it out :heart:

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Spending time with her daughter is more important than your sex life. Always.

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If she only has her biweekly that means that 2 weeks out of the month you have her all to yourself every night! LET THAT WOMAN HAVE HER TIME WITH HER CHILD . period. Its that simple.

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Not enough information to give good advice. How old is the daughter? Is she in school? Is she there during the week and weekend? Does your wife’s schedule still allow plenty of time with her?
You definitely need to communicate with her but with the little information given here I’m with mom, she wants to spend time with her daughter I would do the same.

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Your wife has to go to bed the same time as you? You should seek some counselling cause you about to lose your wife! Also, this isn’t a daily problem! It’s only when her daughter is over. The way you speak about your step daughter, you shouldn’t have gotten married to a woman with a child if you knew you couldn’t accept the child as your own! Get prepped for your divorce

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How old is the child? If school age, then I 100% agree she needs to keep child on a routine of early bed.

If not school age, then the momma is just trying to spend time with her baby. It won’t kill you to have less sex that week.

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She only has the child 2 weeks a month so that means you have 2 weeks a month where you should be having enough time with your wife. Why is her spending time with her child an issue for you? You’re not saying that it’s causing issues because the child is not getting enough sleep and having behavior issues. It sounds like the child is still getting up on time for school and other activities so it seems you’re being selfish and putting your needs above those of a child who doesn’t get to see her mother full time. And of the time she is in her mother’s care, the mom is working most of it. You’re the problem here. When you have children, unfortunately you have to split attention between your mate & the kids.

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How old is the child? It is very important that children have a routine, including a bed time.

Actually it depends on age of child cause if its a school age child mom might want to be more responsible on a sleep schedule so child don’t struggle with being tired in school. Children are usually a parents first responsibility. But to many adults dont prioritize their relationship and then when kids leave they have no bond their to sustain the relationship.

She only gets her daughter bi-weekly and wants to spend time with her when she’s off work. I think the issue here since you mentioned it is that you’re wanting sex and it’s not the staying up with her daughter that’s the issue. Her daughter is her main priority and you knew that when you married her right? When her daughter goes to sleep then it’s time to have fun in the bedroom. Don’t be blaming just her for this problem cause it takes two to tango not just one.

Seems kind of selfish that you’re concerned with your sex life over the mother spending time with her child.

She comes home and wants to spend time with her child. I honestly don’t see why that bothers you so much? You can have a sex life when the child isn’t there. You even said that you only have the kid bi-weekly so it’s not like she is over there enough for it to actually take a toll on your sex life. Honestly if my guy came at me with this “concern” I would think it was a joke. Then probably get angry that eh is trying to put his d!ck above me getting to spend time with my child. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Blended family here, on BOTH sides!! There are many nights we are exhausted and fall asleep in the couch, just from life. However, our children are on a sleep schedule. Even if they aren’t tired, they go to bed at a certain time, and watch tv or something. I personally feel as tho your feelings are valid. No matter what the adult schedules look like. And, as a partner, we long to be laying in bed next to one another. I’d recommend talking with her about it, and explaining how it makes you feel.
Also, kudos to you for getting into this forum to see our perspectives as well!! Parenting is friggin’ hard, man! No matter how many or what ages!! You, sir, are NOT ALONE!

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Make up for it during the week she’s not there. Yes it’s hard but you have to understand things are different when she’s there. Be thankful you get a break. Simply let that week be about you two and the weeks she is there, it should be about her.

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You sound very selfish. It’d be different in my opinion if she had her child full time, but she doesn’t and it sounds to me like she’s trying to make up for that lost time. :woman_shrugging:t2: which there’s no problem with and if this was the case when you met/married her- and you knew her situation, you don’t have any right to say anything. You knew what you were getting yourself into.

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Also, let’s review some keywords in your post that reveal the kind of person you are.

  1. Calling it a battle. Making this something where a winner is declared instead of a compromise to be reached.
  2. “She feels likeit’s ok”
    She’s allowed to feel anyway she wants and you should respect her feelings!
  3. “Plain and simply cannot get my wife to force” FORCE.
    Are you serious?!
  4. Sex life. Circling back around to you and what you want. What about their NEEDS?
    You don’t need to be a parent. You can’t even put your family’s needs ahead of your wants!
    GTFOH.

Children need proper sleep :woman_shrugging:t3: I get not seeing the child very often but allowing the child to stay up all of the time till when ever shouldn’t be happening considering school is back and she should be on a proper schedule wether it’s affecting the child or not :woman_shrugging:t3:

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She probably wants to spend time with her child. She has the child bi weekly? Really, dude? Every other week you have to have less sex?

I think you need to STEP back, step dad. These years only happen once and once only. Leave the woman alone, let her spend time with her child guilt free without you making it about YOU!

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Damn. Yall are so mean.

Sounds like you prioritize your sex life over your step daughter.

Is this the only time she is able to see her child? If she’s working then this is the time for them.
There 2 other weeks out of the month where you have time to focus on each other.

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Communication obviously, how old is the kid to be staying up this late? Yea she’s trying to spend time with her kid, but if the kids got school? Or just a younger kid in general who still needs a solid schedule; it kind of seems irresponsible. Every once & a while or a couple nights, but every time every night is excessive…

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How old is the child? Also, do you care for the child while mom is at work? There is missing info so it is hard to say what is what. If the child is school aged…this is not ok. If its just about your sex life and being lonely… take care of yourself until this phase passes.

Sounds like he wants the kid out of the picture so he can have fun with mom too bad so sad get a life she works bi weekly when do you work

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So what I’m reading is “I’m big mad my wife won’t be have sex with me and chooses to spend the limited time she has with her daughter, with HER DAUGHTER” Yeah I hope she leaves. She deserves a guy who will understand and love her for being such a loving mother. You want to understand how a women thinks? You don’t need to understand how a women thinks, you need to learn consideration, empathy and the duties as a step parent.

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I mean she only has her birthday weekly. You should let her visit her daughter while she can!! I mean come on now