Here it goes- so my father is currently staying with us (we are 2 adults and five kiddos) going on two weeks now. He came here because his car broke down and was undrivable (he comes to stay with us anytime something is wrong with his car) he lives in his car by choice i must add. He works as a delivery driver, uber eats, ect but where we are its not something someone could do and actually live on. But he does because he doesnt want a boss to tell him what to do, he doesnt want a room to rent for less than it costs for him to live in his car during these cold months ($300 a month for this room!) because again its someone telling him what to do(pay rent) and he doesnt want to be stuck or cant afford it or whatever he comes up with as excuses. I can get him a job and a room for rent AND get him a new car since his is totalled. My problem is im worried he wont take the job(its not a side job but a regular 9-5 job at retail, or the room(because its not free nor at my house), or pay me for the car(cause he is still paying for the last two cars he totaled) I truly feel hes taken this whole situation to his advantage and in a weird way i feel im being used by my own father. He hasnt tried to get a different job or anything. He sits on his butt at my house all day two weeks now while i go to work to pay my bills for my house i just recently bought on my own. I also have to feed this man! I have a lot of kids so its hard to feed another adult in my home three meals a day plus some. I just cant afford it and he sees me struggling with bills now having to pay extra to the food bill, i literally worked my butt off to not be in this position and finally be able to afford it all with no help at all. Then he constantly is asking for cigarettes or money for cigarettes. I just dont know what i can do. I dont want to ruin our relationship. But i dont want to feel used by my own parent! He was not around until my teen years but will say how he helped raise me but yet he didnt? And it makes me feel sorry he thinks that way when he wasn’t actually around. Am i wrong for feeling this way about the whole situation? I dont want to hurt his feelings by telling him i cant have him here if he cant contibute. I feel like im raising this grown man because he doesnt want to be an adult and im stuck in-between it all. I shouldnt have to do this for my dad whos capable. But if i dont am i a bad daughter? Please help me. What would YOU do? What would you say? How can i help him AND help me. I dont want to condone this behavior but i feel i am by doing nothing. I just dont know what to do or what i really can do. I dont have the heart to kick my own dad out when hes technically homeless and jobless. I cant force this man to work but i cant afford to let him live off me. He has no friends because of this and family has stopped helping. Its literally just me. My moms side will say drop him off at the homeless shelter but my heart could not actually do that. So thats why i feel stuck. I need help on advice.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Needing unbiased opinions
I would tell him he is too grown to be relying on his kids. A little help is fine, but full blown mooching off is a big NO! Either he gets a job and helps out, or he has to leave. Plain and simple.
Say NO and tell him it is time to grow up and get a real job!
Your father is taking advantage of you and is using you. Break the cycle, stop letting him manipulate you and give him the boot. I know it’s difficult but he’s only going to keep doing this as long as you allow it.
You’re right- he’s using you. I agree with your mother
He clearly taking advantage of you and you are enabling him
Kick him out
Honest answer your Dad needs to stand on his own two feet. If he chooses to live the way he lives there are consequences to his decision, they are NOT your consequences to live with. Wish you well
He needs to grow up he sounds very immature
Say to him…whats your plan dad? And if he doesnt have one, give him a time line with ehat needs to do.
Girl no… He is taking advantage of you. Let him figure his own shit out. You don’t deserve that. If you don’t put your foot down you will be taking care of him for the rest of his life. Also, what kind of example is he setting for your children. He needs to get out yesterday.
Dad or not, tell him to get off his lazy butt and either get a job and help with expenses, or get out. Believe it or not there are some parents who will use their kids to any and every advantage they can. Don’t allow him to make you feel bad or manipulate you in any way.
Contribute or get out
Amber Nichole . There’s not an easy answer.
Father, mother,son,daughter,doesnt matter…you dont pull your weight at home then you find a new home.
You’re not ruining your relationship, he is. He’s a grown man. Give him a time limit as to how much longer he can stay. Period.
I didn’t even finish the last few lines of this. If your dad doesn’t seem to be bothered you are struggling to pay for your children & yourself then he doesn’t care. Plain & simple. He’s taking advantage of you because he knows you will allow it. Your going to have to choose your children & yourself or enabling your father. He will probably get mad & blame you but regardless you have to put your children first.
He’s a manipulator who likely has some mental health issues. I suspect ODD, but I’m no expert.
At the end of the day, he’s responsible for himself. You can try to convince him to get a psych evaluation, but I highly suspect he’ll refuse.
But you’re not the kid anymore; you own your home. You decide what behavior is ok and what is not. You decide what to model for your kids and what not to. You need to set boundaries here. Of course, he’s going to pull out every guilt trip (true or not) to maintain the status quo. But what he thinks doesn’t matter. Set the rules, set the consequences, and follow through. Be sure to tell him the new rules and consequences. Don’t let him negotiate. He’s behaving like a child (a teenager, really). He doesn’t want any of the responsibilities of adulthood, so he convinced you to do them for him. This is abuse.
I also recommend therapy for you. You need help drawing boundaries and determining what is healthy in parent-adult child relationships.
First off pray to God for guidance and wisdom. Tell dad he has to get a job and help pay the bills. You don’t have the extra money for him and your kids are missing out on things because of it.
Sounds like you have 6 kids, not 5. Tell him to grow up and be an adult so his grandkids have a role model they can look up too. He is setting a bad example to your kids by acting like this. Nothing in this world is free, either he takes the offers you have for him or he’s gotta leave. Sorry your dealing with this.
I understand you don’t want to ruin your relationship. But it’s going to be ruined when you start resenting him taking advantage of you. He is a grown man and he should be worried about taking food from the mouths of his grandchildren and his daughter
You are enabling him by trying to make his life better. He needs to have to face the consequences of his choices and figure out how to deal with them. It’s ok to help in small ways, like make sure he eats maybe. and has some blankets to stay warm. But he is not your responsibility and he is making choices that require him to be. He may has some unmet needs from youth that he is addressing through you, and he is stuck until he faces those. Then he will be able to grow. I know it’s hard to do. It’s so hard to watch. And that’s why you are doing all you can for him. But you have to define what’s your responsibility and what’s not. You are responsible for the kids you brought into the world. And yourself period.
It is one thing to help, but a totally different to enable!! If they take no actions to help themselves then anything you do is simply enabling their behaviors. My car is broke down and I am out of work can I stay with you while I find another job…makes sense and is okay, we all need help now again…but sounds to me like he is not taking to steps to better his situation, actions speak louder than words .
He’s taking advantage of you! I would tell him job n pay u so much plus food or he has to get out. He’s taking not only from u but also from ur kids.
You need to just tell him like it is. You have to do what is best for the family that you’ve made. I know it’s hard but he shouldn’t be doing you this way. It’s wrong no matter how you look at it. Praying for you
He’s a grown ass man and can fend for his self
Clearly using you and taking advantage. Need to set clear and firm expectations/boundaries, if crosses them … he is out. You would not be damaging the relationship - his actions, selfishness, disrespect is 100% on him and his choices. You are not responsible for an adult that is unwilling to help themselves. Do not continue to encourage and enable his behavior, it will become the example your children will see.
It hurts, it sucks, this is ugly and nasty. You have to side with your mom. He is draining you and your kids. If you don’t go with to the shelter, that’s ok, but pack his stuff for him. OK, have to set an example of what NOT to put up with to your kids, or they may think it’s ok to get walked on in relationships of their own.
I would definitely sit him down and see what his plan is. You can’t parent your parent its not healthy. He either needs to help contribute or he needs to get out of your house. This is toxic behavior honey.
He can’t keep living off of you forever. This was his choice to make ,not working,not yours. He won’t help himself,and you can’t keep giving without some resentment building up. It isn’t your job to take care of him.
He should Eather help you with the bills are get the hell out you need to be strong an be the boss!
He Has already ruined your relationship…do whatever you want with him.
Stop enabling him. Problem solved.
Take him to apply for state assistance.
You have to stop helping him. You’re acting as an enabler. He has no reason to take care of himself because there is no danger of falling. He knows that you’re the safety net. You’re going to do this until he is too old to work or something happens and then he will be with you full time.
Tell him straight you ruined your cars your choosing to live in it too your getting absolutely nothing from me other than maybe a shower your on your own
Yup. You have done more than enough. He is a grown man. If you want to be nice, tell him he has 2 more weeks to find a place/job/car or he will be playing rent to you to, at a minimum, cover food/electric/etc. My guess is he will find a way to live on his own real quick - or you’ll have some income to cover his expenses.
He may be using this as an excuse to spend time with your family. He could be lonely. That being said there are programs to help him. I suggest being evaluated by a doctor to see if he has some form of dementia.
He sounds narcissistic, like my mother. You have one of two options… hunker down and allow him to stay and make the most of it or ask him to leave. Personally, I choose the high road when it comes to my mom. Life is short and we can’t go backwards… sending you peace and comfort.
He can either take the opportunity you can get him or he can go. Just because he’s your dad doesn’t mean you don’t need to have boundaries. I know it’s hard but he’s an adult. He’s your father. You should be turning to him. I understand life happens and we all need help but we also need to be willing to help ourselves
Tell him if he ain’t gonna contribute to the bills and food then he’s out, it’s his problem at the end of the day not yours, you don’t owe him anything and he needs to help himself
Boot his ass to the curb he is definitely taking advantage of u sounds just like my bio mom only comes around when on mine and my husbands dime if not she would have nothing to do with me n not to mention she isn’t nor does she try with my kids I’m telling u are better off without him who cares about the relationship he isn’t a priority nor your responsibility your family is n shame on him for letting it get as far as it has
You are enabling your Dad to not have to be a responsible adult. That’s not helpful to anyone involved.
First of all…you aren’t ruining this relationship. He is. He is using you and taking advantage of your kindness. It is time to use some tough love on him. Give him a deadline to get a real job, a place to live, a reliable vehicle, etc. Do not back down. If need be find a homeless shelter for him. It sounds like you have worked way to hard for what you have to end up with nothing bailing him out of his bad situation that he put himself in.
That’s just my take on it.
Sometimes tough love is the way to go. The only one who can put your foot down is you.
Have him get a job and contribute or have him leave tell him he needs to pay to stay that this isn’t a charity and he isn’t your problem
I just went through this with my brother. It broke my heart but I had to tell him to leave. He will probably never speak to me again and he is in his 50s
Explain it to him like you just did us! I know one thing if I had five kids I wouldn’t be taking anything out of their mouth or off of their back when he didn’t care about what you had when you were young so don’t deprive your own family for him sounds like he’s nothing but a sperm donor! Just saying
As you said his choice to be homeless so let him be homeless he is using you after he has used everyone else
No you are definitely NOT a bad daughter at all. He is definitely taking advantage of you. And also LOTS of people dont like being told what to do but guess what thats life. And he really needs to grow up.
Songs like he has mental issues may be able to get him State assistance but it will take a while but if he stays with you he has to pay his way
You are enabling the behavior. He knows he will have you to fall back on. Set boundaries and stick to them. Make him be responsible for himself.
Not your responsibility . Let him take care of himself if he’s not willing to Work for a living .
Tell him you have a man in your life that wants to move in but who doesn’t want to help with the rent, food or bills and you aren’t sure what to do. When he says “Dump the loser!” ask him how soon he can get out.
I would make him take a 12 panel drug test to stay in my house. Smoking around my kids would be a no. He can go get a vape if he plans to be anywhere near me. I would even provide it. But mostly he sounds like a drug addict. I’m not about that.
Sweetheart users are users. Period. Sometimes they’re in the form of a parent and that sucks for you. But he will not stop until you put your foot down and stand up for yourself. I’m sorry for you but you’re gonna have to do the hard thing here. Sending hugs
Please please please kick him out and worry about you and your kids. There is no reason for you to be taking care of him especially since he is able to do it himself. Start looking out for yourself and your kids first!!!
Ditch him you have helped him alot its time he grew up
He’s choosing to live like that. He isn’t disabled. He is perfectly able to work he just chooses not to. Kick him out or tell him he needs to contribute. He’s an ADULT and needs to act like it. Sounds like everyone else cut him off for a reason
Stop all of it because you are enabling him and he will continue taking /asking for money. He is a grown man and he should be ashamed of himself.
He’s a grown man and he’s gonna have to deal eith people telling him what to do. Especially if he doesn’t have his own place. It’s YOUR home, YOUR rules you just have to enforce them
I’m a doordasher I make more money then a “regular 9-5” job , yes this is my only income,
But instead of “trying get him a regular job” just tell him if he wants to live in a vehicle you will help put in half the money to get him a larger van, so he can have some room to move " and yes I’m thinking about living in a smaller bus or a van it’s better then a home---- don’t let anyone tell you that he’s a bad dad cause he needs help so what he made small mistakes, everyone does -
And let him know there’s a deadline when he needs to get up and help out or move on----- FYI always tell him how much you love him
I see you struggling to find the answers. This is emotional abuse for you. He hasn’t in the past and will continue down the same path, interrupting your family life now. If, as you said, he really wasn’t there to raise you, but now has the gauls to place his personal well being on you! No way!!! You have to explain to him that unlike him, you are, have and will continue to put your CHILDREN above all. Including him. Hes not only destroyed his life in the past, now hes got you enslaved, having guilt about his lifestyle a d choices, putting extreme pressure on you just to make it for your family with him there! I’d just explain the truth and if it hurts his feeling, then so be it! YOU did all you could and the time has come to stop. This is not your burden to carry. He needs to manup! You and your family are in my prayers!
Ma’am. That is a grown man who needs to grow tf up and get off this childish “no one can tell me what to do” kick. Sounds like a 22 year old stoner convincing his gf to go to work so he can work on his music career.
How old is your father? If he’s old enough to collect social security, he can get all kinds of assistance. Has he served in the military? The point is, there is assistance for people who need it. Perhaps if you help him find those avenues with honesty in your heart, it may become a win win for both of you. Everything that you’re talking about with strangers on this site, you need to talk blatantly honest with him. You deserve that for your own peace of mind AND to ensure the welfare of your own family. You e worked hard to get where you’re at and no one should jeapordize that. Helping him to move on will be beneficial for all concerned. Good luck.
There’s really only 2 choice’s here and you’ve said you can’t do one of them. It seems you’ve answered your own problem – and you will continue to keep putting up with it.
He is not your responsibility. As hard as it is you need to give him a timeline to move out. Find another adult to stand by you and tell him to move on.
If he is homeless he could possibly get food stamps to help offset his grocery use. Just a thought. I believe you need to have a calm and loving talk about how you are feeling with him.
your dad is a grown man and need to become responsible he is living this way by choice (mental) because he know that he can it is time to stop and make him stand on his two feet
You are a good soul in wanting to have a good relationship with a parent - but this in unfair to your children and yourself. Your dad has some major issues with reality and you are enabling him to avoid dealing with them.
Stop enabling him. Don’t continue to fix things for him. It only enables him to take no responsibility
I’m sorry. I doubt he wants a relationship with you except to use you. You are better off having him out of your life completely. Sounds like he’s been this way his whole life and is unlikely to change or seek help. Alternatively, he will only make enough effort to convince you he’s changed before sinking back into the same behavior. Plus you & your kids don’t need to be around his cigarette smoke or horrible example.
Give him a timeline to be out, then pack up his stuff, leave it outside, change the locks and give him the number and address of the homeless shelter. Block his calls for a month.
From what you’ve said he has never acted like your father, so you needn’t consider him as family.
Wow…. He should be ashamed of himself. You are TOO good . Give him a good talk and tell him that he is not a child , stop acting like one. He needs to get a job and move . Yes give him a specific time and tell him to be an adult and that he has to move . Good luck. May God Bless You All.
First, your Dad needs to respect himself enough to become accountable to himself…for himself.
You need the same…you need to tell him this…let him know, free loading is not respectable or accountable…if he doesn’t get it.or respect this idea…Permit him to enjoy himself elsewhere or sign up for mental health services to assist him with his problem…The Salvation Army might be good place to start.
You’re his child not his parents none of this is your responsibility
It’s NOT your job to take care of a grown man! Kick his ass out! Tell him to figure it out on his own!
He’s homeless and jobless by choice, parents should not expect a child (i know your an adult) to support them financially, he would not be in my house and i would not feel bad about it one bit.
You need to think of your kids and yourself first and foremost. By the sounds of it he’s dragging you back finanacially and emotionally and no self respecting parent would do that. He is just using you for his own advantage. Kick his ass out … he’s a grown man ffs ! Being homeless AND jobless is on HIM … HE chose that path. You have been a great daughter and have done all you can but if you let him stay as hard as it may be emotionally to kick him out you are enabling him even more. Good luck hon …
You know the answer. Do it.
The only reason he came back into your life as a teenager was to start grooming you for a source to mooch from, you are being cannibalized by an expert, he exploits non existent contributions, (helped raise me), he uses any lame excuse to land on you, and he will use you and your families resources till your on the street with him, protect your family and I dont mean him
This is toxic guilt & he is using you. You cannot control the way others feel about you ~ read that again. Stop trying to look perfect in the eyes of other people, whether him or extended family. By allowing his lack of motivation in life to trap you like this, you only hurt yourself & your household. In the end you are not helping him either because he has not taken responsibility for his needs & wants (cigarettes, etc). You need to stop allowing him to manipulate you, stop giving him money for these extras that you yourself can’t even afford & give him a date by which you need him out of the house. I’ve been there; trapped by guilt at my relative success & allowed others to live parasitically off me. It led to a dent in my savings & then the cloud on my brain lifted, I realized what was happening & took steps to stop it. Best wishes x
You already know what to do… take care of this elderly child or cut the cord…
He is not entitled , tell him to either get a better job or get out ,and give him a time frame on the time to do so , there jobs everywhere right now ,no excuse , he’s a sponge , moocher, etc ,take care of tou and your kids,make him get food stamps immediately and a job
Your stuck by you choose to let him take advantage
Refuse to buy his cigarettes. Tell him he has to pay for food and help with expenses. He can probably get assistance, depending on his age , health , income. He is definitely taking advantage of you. When u stop buy his cigs, he will hopefully decide immediately that he isn’t going to stay there. You are enabling him. Try tough love instead.
Its not your fault. Why should you pay for someone elses life choices. Kick him out or get $300 a month for food.
I just went through this with my father.
Then I cut him off entirely. I dont mean this to be rude or mean or uncaring but,
YOU ARE NOT HIS PARENT.
He is not your responsibility. It is hard as hell but he is a grown ass man and his decisions are not your responsibility to clean up after, and he is not your responsibility to take care of. Sometimes, no matter how much we want to have a good relationship with our parents, we cant. And it will break us trying. You have a one sided relationship with him, I know because I’ve been there. Either cut ties or you’ll be carrying him for the rest of his life, which is exactly what he’s probably hoping for.
You’ve helped him the best you can and it seems to me he is just causing more problems for you. Give him an ultimatum…you either get a job and help me out or find somewhere else to stay. be straight up with him, look this is when you came back into my life and this is what I did ON MY OWN to get where I am now, I don’t need to go backwards.
You already know, honey. His shadows are not yours to carry. You can acknowledge them and have compassion, but you are not required to take care of a person you didn’t birth.
There’s a difference between helping someone who has fallen on hard times and letting someone mooch off you permanently. This is the latter. Don’t feel bad giving him the boot.
Re-read what you wrote here+really let it sink in.
What would you tell someone else??
Sounds like he’s probably lived his whole life living off others, never taking responsibility for himself. You didn’t meet him until you were a teenager. You have to know he was never a father to you, never intended to be your father. He came into your life at a time that you didn’t much parenting, weren’t any responsibility but still young enough to mold into a person that will support him. My son’s father tried this. He contacted me when my son was 16/17 & wanted to “know him before he died” . I talked to my son, was very honest with him & gave him the choice. He chose not to meet him. Good for my ex now because my son would have to arrest him, his family & friends. Ditch your father now. You shouldn’t be supporting a grown man who refused to support you as his child. Kick him out & never look back. Don’t let him come back.
You have a good heart. But you need to set boundaries, because users don’t have any & will continue to take & take.
I’m going to give you the best advice I possibly can as someone who has been taken advantage of by family and friends. Make him leave NOW! In most states once he’s staying there for 30 days technically he resides there and you will have to evict him. You are not going to change him no matter how hard you try, wish, pray or beg. He is selfish and he will drain you financially, physically, emotionally and at some point it will likely cause significant strain on your marriage. He is NOT your responsibility or your problem. His life choices are his problems. You and your husband need to tell him he has 24 hours to find another place to stay and if he won’t leave have the police escort him out. If the relationship is ruined then so be it. He needs to grow up and stop being an irresponsible mooch. Your relationship with your husband and your kids is and should be your focus. Trust me the longer you put this off the harder it gets and the more damage he will do. The resentments will grow and fester and the relationship will end up ruined anyway. If you choose not to make the boundaries then you choose the consequences for yourself and your family. Remember that
You have to get rid of him " simply as that he is a blugger " stop giving him money for smoks & tell him to go get help " there are places for the homeless to go for food & help " you just have to be strong & put you & your kids 1st "
You are enabling him. I wouldn’t want to work either if someone else would take care of me. I mean I can see that as a man’s logic. You need to let him stand on his own two feet. He survived his whole life before you were born not dependent on you. Give him numbers to shelters, etc. If my dad lived with me, I would have him help pay mortgage/bills that’s for sure. Something to help out at least. I can see why you feel used.
You can’t help him. You can’t help a grown man who doesn’t want to help himself.
Under no circumstances should you get him a job, a room to rent or a car. He’s grown.
Flat out tell him that you don’t mind him being there, but if he’s going to be there, he’s going to contribute. He needs to rent the room that you’re providing him. Set a number, tell him that includes his rent/utilities/food. Anything beyond that, he’s on his own.
It’s one thing to fall on hard times, but it’s a completely different thing to refuse to do for yourself.
He does this because you allow it. Just like a child, he’s testing limits. He knows he can come stay at your house, for free. Eat your food. Use your electric. Use your water. He knows you’ll provide him with money for cigarettes, cook for him and clean up after him because you do it already. Stop doing it.
You cannot feel bad about hurting his feelings. Your family and your home is your priority. He is quite literally taking food out of his grandchildrens mouths.
I’d kick him out. You don’t owe anyone anything. He is just using you because he knows he can. He is a grown man. He can care for himself.
Claim him on your taxes as an extra dependent for the refund, also get him food stamps since he isn’t working, sign him up for Medicaid and gov. Free Health card, free phone and internet. Go to Human resources for help with him. If he is able they will require him to find work after a certain period. You cannot continue to buy cigarettes…tell him you absolutely refuse to enable him to jeopardize his health and second hand smoke around your kids anymore. I think he will leave on his own when you require him to be accountable and help in these ways.
It his sorry ass out he should be helping you dam free loader bet he’s a Biden supporter