Pay for cake let them pay for the rest
Instead of asking if she needs help with planning, ask if you can help her with any phone calls or any pick up/ deliveries she may need to make during this time. You can be involved without being a part of planning. This is HER day. Let her plan how she wants and leave your feelings out of it. Keep your opinions to yourself.
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Idk why people want to plan a wedding that is not theirs. Don’t you want her happy on her day? Bc that means letting HER decide on things…
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When has it become a thing to give with conditions 
. Gee wizz so many entitled people.
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My daughter will have whatever she wants because it’s HER day. Would I like to help plan yea but if she had something else in mind it will happen how she wants because I’m her mom and It’s supposed to be the best day of HER life I’ve already gotten married been there done that it’s her turn to have something she wants
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Get over it. Its not about what you want, when you give YOUR daughter money for her wedding it’s not supposed to come with conditions, it’s knowing and feeling proud that you’re daughter is loved and happy! She can have her dream wedding just like you had yours. Just be her mother!
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I dk why their is so many rude ass people commenting I would just have a heart to heart with her. I mean it’s obvious how people on here act like the mother is not important to. I know some people that wish they had a mother to help or be their but didn’t get that option or like me I wanted my mom to help plan more but I ended up doing it alone so I would hope some of these rude ass people would treat their own moms better. I think a heart to heart I think it’s nice you wanna be involved and help I wish I had that on my wedding day it would have made it way more easier and less stressful
I’m sure there are bigger things to worry about.
It is her wedding.
My mother did the exact same thing to me, only she picked a fight with me and made the entire process miserable.
I told her to keep her money. We invited her and our closest family and friends. If they traveled the 5 hours to come… Great! If not I was getting married anyway.
My guy and I went to the Smoky Mountains, and got married on a mountain and had a cabin for 4 nights for $600.
Year 2004 btw.
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Why would you WANT to plan the wedding? It’s so boring!! Thank goodness my daughters did all their own planning!! I think I might be in the minority of opinions here. Lol
You helping pay doesn’t equal you planning the wedding. It’s not your day.
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She should accommodate if it comes too price… Other then that its her day… Maybe go with her too dress fitting support her …
Why would you hand over your wallet? She sounds entitled.
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It’s not your wedding I don’t understand
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You chose to give her the money. Not sure why you would be resentful. Did you hope to gain some control?
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It’s not your wedding so get over it
Be happy your invited! you aren’t entitled and should be paying to give your daughter the day of her dreams or as close you can get just to make her happy. She should be doing everything and if you want to be involved ask. Is there anyway I can help, anything you need, I want to be useful to you on your special day. Every girl needs there mumma! you are special this is just because aparantly you need it to be about you so maybe tell her before you ruin her day exploding over something petty/selfish. It sounds like you have a toxic relationship with money if you think your entitled to plan someone else’s wedding because you paid. The way you worded everything sounded entitled and absurd to me so you got a blunt answer. Try being happy for your baby and get this nonsense put out of your mind or don’t lend the money because it will definitely negatively effect the relationship if you can’t let it go. If it’s about how she spends the money then put a limit on the amount your giving.
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It is her wedding. She has every right to plan it
I must be old school I thought the parents paid for the daughters weddings. I paid for both my daughters to get married . They planned it we paid. I love my girls and want them happy
My parents didn’t pay for my wedding
You sound like a mean controlling mama!
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How bout stop giving to your child and expecting shit in return . If it ain’t given out of love don’t give it at all . You can be involved if she going over the budget but if she sticking to it let her . It’s HER WEDDING not yours .
It’s not YOUR wedding
You choosing to pay for everything should not come with strings attached
Spot the Narcissist
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You understand it’s their day not yours. You’re giving a gift, gifts shouldn’t be about you. If you take it personal you will ruin the whole experience and probably damage the relationship you have with your daughter. Weddings are ONLY about the 2 people getting married no one else’s opinions or feelings matter. It is a day to celebrate the love of the bride and groom (or bride and bride, groom and groom). You can RESPECTFULLY give thoughts and opinions but MUST understand that those thoughts and opinions DO NOT have to be taken. To be hurt about it is a bit selfish. Love your daughter and enjoy the experience don’t wrap it in negative energy. And NEVER hold it over her head in the future because that will most definitely damage your relationship.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Paying for a wedding but not planning anything?
Please don’t offer to help if you require something in return!
I don’t need to make assumptions about the daughter and her degree of spoiled or selfishness, because helping someone and expecting something in return without an explicit agreement is just manipulative, let’s leave that habit behind in the past.
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This is very toxic behavior. I’ll help you but you owe me something in return. Do it out of love or don’t do it at all.
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What the hell???
You should only give your daughter financial help for her wedding out of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
You’re putting conditions on a favor you’re doing for her: I’ll help pay for your wedding as long as I get to help plan it too.
Just because you’re helping her financially, DOESNT give you a right to anything. You should only be doing that for the sole purpose of wanting to help your daughter on her special day.
If you doing your own DAUGHTER a favor makes you feel the need to be OWED anything, don’t even bother.
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I’m getting married soon and I’ll be damned if anyone was trying to plan MY wedding or trying to put restrictions on things (besides my fiancé). It’s her day not yours. Planning a wedding is hard as it is and very stressful especially during these times! be her support system! I understand you are paying for things, but if you wanted to help or anything you should’ve told her upfront
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Nobody should ever offer to help someone with the expectations that they get ANYTHING in return. Period. This is HER day and her time to shine and this day should go exactly how she wants it, not anyone else. Nobody else should get a say because that’s just selfish of them. This day is for her and the love of her life.
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you don’t offer to help with the money with conditions attached to it. That’s trying to control and manipulate. My mom helped pay for my wedding and never once tried to make a decision or got upset about not getting a say in things, she was just there if I needed help. Apparently now it makes you a brat for wanting to plan your own wedding.
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Let your kid have the wedding they want. If you offer to pay, thats the end of the offer. It should not have ANY stipulations to it. Once you get mad that you have no say in THEIR wedding, just know you’re the a hole.
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If your daughter is that put off by your offer to help, let her pay for the whole wedding herself, from tge sound of it she can afford it, take your money spend it on you and your husband, take a vacation, whatever, if she is thus ungrateful for your help, id show her how it feels to pay for everything on her own, I only wished I had a mother that cared enough about me to help out when I got married
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My parents helped with mine and didn’t expect to have a say in what MY wedding looked like. Help without expecting to plan it or don’t help or show… It’s her wedding day. If you want a wedding to look a certain way you can go get married or renew your vows and have it your way. Let your daughter start her life the way SHE pictured it.
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It’s HER wedding no matter where the money comes from. If you offer help and she declines, it’s because she either
A. Doesn’t want to bother you.
B. Has her ideas and it’s easier for her to do it herself
C. Wants to avoid all drama from anyone at all, so she’s doing it herself
D. Just wants to do it herself
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It’s her day not yours ,be happy for her love her support her .
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This was partly why my parents were never invited to my wedding and I just got married at the local court house, if your not happy with her deciding how SHE and her HUBBY to be are going to have their day… I kindly kindly suggest you not even bother to give her any money, it’s HER wedding but you’re making it about you…
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I understand where you’re coming from. You don’t want to make decisions, you just want to be part of her excitement and are hurt that she doesn’t include you. Give them whatever amount towards the wedding and just be happy for them. There’s not much else you can do. Hugs to you:hugs:
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Comments on here are awful! No where does it say she wants to take over or take control! If she wanted that nothing would stop her making sure things were her way! The mum may just want to be apart of the memory of it all! Share in the excitement and the joy of it!! You people need to seriously consider different perspectives on things as most went straight to worst possible situations and this woman has been called toxic and everything when she hasn’t even said she wants thing her way she just said she would like to be involved a little.
Can a parent not want to be involved in their daughters life or in one of the biggest days as nothing more than wanting to be excited and happy and share that with her daughter! Not everything is about control.
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This is her daughters wedding day not the moms. I feel the mom wants to have control and the final say. I would be upset if my mom did the same thing cause my moms taste is a little older than I like. My mom always got to make suggestions and helped every step of my wedding but never really made any final decisions, and if I didn’t like it it didn’t go. Honestly it’s her daughters day not hers. I don’t think the daughter is a brat for wanting to plan HER wedding.
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I wouldn’t want anybody plan a wedding except for me even if parents was paying if u want to pay good for u but it’s my day I don’t need input on how I want it
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I’d say it depends on the relationship and dynamic between the mother and the daughter, which is not specified here (and would have two perspectives anyway). Don’t offer to help then have it come with conditions if you don’t set those conditions out upon giving the money, that’s not fair. They may not take you up on the financial help if it came with conditions, it’s a possibility. To give is not to guilt. The day is about the daughter and her husband to be - that doesn’t make the daughter a brat. Being a brat would be taking the money, being rude and disrespectful to the parents (which also is not specified). It’s up to her if she wants to involve her mother in the plans - like I suggested, it depends on their relationship. Have you expressed to your daughter, calmly and kindly how you would love to be involved and how it makes you feel to not be involved without making it centred around you? Do you have a good, close relationship where she would feel supported to share her ideas and plans with you? Be happy for her if you love her and support her. She will remember who supported her and was by her side in the big moments of her life and cherish those people.
Also what Elise Kapala commented. 100%
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It’s her wedding, not your wedding. That’s very kind and generous of you to help pay for her wedding however I’m sure she would rather pay for it herself if that meant she could plan it the way she desires.
Just sit back and relax. You should be thankful that you don’t have to do anything. You should be proud of her taking on all that responsibility by herself.
In sorry you have been left out. I guess I’m the odd ball… weddings aren’t really for the bride, they are for the parents. Parents of both the bride AND groom, bride/bride or groom/groom. These parents have been dreaming of the day their children get married, probably before they brought these children into the world. I picked two places I wanted to get married, my mom picked the place, I picked the date, husband picked the time, I picked colors, husband and I picked bridal party, (mom added flower girls) cakes, food and cocktail party before the ceremony. My mom added to and picked everything else, including my dress. Both sides of the family was invited to dress shopping, flower picking, venue touring appointments.
Hahaha for real??? Her wedding choices have absolutely nothing to do with you 
if you volunteered to pay that doesn’t mean you have a say in anything. Your poor daughter. She can probably feel the tension going on. Please don’t ruin her special day
You help because you’re want to so don’t be upset over it! Be happy she can walk down the aisle and is not an invalid in a wheelchair. Shame on you!!
maybe ask her if you can attend some vendor meetings. let her know while you respect her decisions you still want to be part of the fun of looking at decorations, cake tastings, catering tastings and floral arrangements.
In the last couple years 2 of my girls have gotten married. Now my oldest only planned her dress, where it was gonna be at and invited who she wanted. I arrive a week early and find out my sister in law was buying the cake. I started asking about the food. No big deal I knocked out over 500 cookies and deserts. And made the Lebanese foods and mixed in other sides. When my 2nd daughter got married I was asked to go with her and help her pick out her dress. For 2 weeks I asked questions about food. Each time I was told it didn’t matter. Ok. Your cake? Same didn’t matter. Nothing matter to her. Then the same f-ing family “friend” horned in. Gonna help with Mia getting dressed. Had my husband pick her up. Since her cake didn’t matter I got her one a week out at Sam’s Club. The “friend” had her raggetty son cut the middle layer of the wedding cake to take home. Also had him pack huge containers of the food up. Then in the book I paid for she put “I got to hold you first” the whole time I told them to get her out of the room and her telling them she was my sister and I had ask her to be there. Short? Tell her to let you know what help is needed
It’s her wedding, not yours!
I wouldn’t want your money if there’s conditions and expectations attached. This is toxic. You should have maybe been more clear that you will pay if you’re involved and I bet she would’ve declined your money then. I would have.
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It’s a double edged sword. On one hand, the daughter may be going overboard with her decisions and thoughtlessly running up the bill without speaking to her mom about cheaper alternatives.
The mom may be feeling entitled just because she is helping and that isn’t cool.
But she may just also want to bond and make memories with her daughter and her feelings are hurt because she raised her daughter and has always been there for her milestones but is now shut out from that.
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Remember your paying for her dream… Wouldn’t you want her to have it how she wants. It’s the bride and grooms day. If you didn’t want to pay then should communicate. If I was in your shoes I would want my daughter to have everything she wants that I could afford.
Why would you get a say in her wedding? Paying for it doesn’t mean you get to plan it , it’s literally her wedding. Narcissist 
If you need multiple investors to marry one guy, then they may already be too spoiled and should learn to lean on only eachother.
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Girl that’s her day…
It’s her wedding n her day. Let her have the things she wants n the way she wants it. She requires that to make it her special day. Don’t spoil it with quarrels about who plans what.
Lol You can plan mine it’s stressful shit, I’ll even pay for it.
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It’s 
not your wedding.
It’s not your day it’s your daughters day.
It is HER day ,and if she doesn’t want to ask for your opinion, it is HER choice, it is nothing about you , didn’t she tell you ME do it , when she was little?
Why are you paying for it in the first place when they can afford it? It’s not your wedding; it’s theirs. ???
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Sounds like she is having her day exactly as she wants it? It’s her day? If you didn’t want to chip in then you shouldn’t have.
Her wedding let her and hubby to be pay for it. They both have good jobs. As the parents you do not owe any child a wedding . Be there if she wants to talk about her plans other then that just be the proud parents
I don’t think there’s enough info. How is your relationship with your daughter? How is your relationship with your new son? Relationship with his family??
Wedding planning is stressful. They may not want many opinions, especially if they have an image of what they want. Too many opinions can make it more stressful and confusing.
If you have a good relationship with your daughter, I’d simply offer again to help in anyway she needs/wants. Tell her you’d like to be there for support but you have no intention of trying to take over. You just want to be there to make memories. Wedding planning should be fun! If they include you, the right thing would also be to include her mother in law. How’s the relationship there? If it’s not at least a tolerable one, it would only add more stress and anxiety.
My mom unfortunately passed away before I got married. At first we tried to include everyone in planning….that didn’t work well. Haha. So we decided it would just be easier for us to do it. My husband was very involved in helping plan. It was a great experience for us.
Try not to take it so personally. If you were the only one being excluded, ok, but it doesn’t sound that way.
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Money shouldn’t come with strings. If you think paying for it means you should be planning it or have a say, then maybe you should think about whether your offer was out of the goodness of your heart or for control
Unless she demanding super expensive stuff above the budget, its her wedding not yours. You may want to help and that’s great but you need to understand there is a big difference between offering to help mail invitations or dress shopping with her and wanting to have a say in all of her plans.
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You only paid bc you thought you would get a say. I know one thing you can plan on never seeing them after the wedding if you keep expecting to be involved. I can also guarantee if they have any children you won’t get to see them either. Its not your day. You don’t pay for a wedding and expect to be involved with the planning. This is just a mess.
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You should have a limit on how much you are willing to pay.
It’s her wedding, not yours.
I’m sure it would hury because it’s your child…but it’s a one time thing they dream about their whole lives…hopeful it b the last…it’s her time let her go at it…maybe she will ask your opinion on things…or maybe she wants to show her creative side…who knows but 8 no how u feel u want to b part of it it hurts your feelings it would hurt mine also but what can u do…just pray for the best or tell her how u feel that u would love to b part of her exciteing moment
I’m torn here as a mom but who’s wedding is it? Are you paying because you want to or because you expected to be part of planning it. If you weren’t paying for anything would you be bothered that you aren’t part of planning? It’s nice to be included but it’s not your wedding. If moneys the issue then don’t offer or help.
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I think she and most everyone else is getting lost in the money. Truth is mom is feeling left out.
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Its nice to feel involved though, not making decisions but to be useful and help.
Gifts given with strings attached aren’t gifts, they’re bribes. You have to separate your desires for yourself from her day. Ultimately, you want your daughter to have the day that she will cherish forever. You want it to be the best day of HER life. You are there to support her and share her joy. If you can’t give her the money without needing to be involved in how it is used, don’t give her the money.
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Who said you have to pay for everything? Such a dated tradition.
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Are you giving her money as a way to pay for the rights to have some control over the planning? Or are you giving her money to help her have the wedding day she wants?
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It’s her day not yours. She knows what she wants and deserves that. You had yours so don’t take it personally
Well it’s a modern era, the money for the wedding is a gift not an obligation. If you gave a budget and she stayed in it be happy it’s her wedding not yours. She could of eloped or chosen to not marry at all. You want to be happy so be happy not controlling and angry. Look at all the stress you avoided.
As a mother if you were concerned about what you’re spending for a wedding because you don’t feel you are involved in the planning of it, remember this it’s not your wedding. It is your daughter’s wedding, and you have chosen to help pay for it. Now is the grooms parents helping pay for it at all and are they part of the planning, if not don’t feel offended. If you are feeling that you’re not a part of it and you don’t wanna be part of it, then speak up and stop opening that checkbook. This is her wedding while you were paying for it is her wedding. If you’re feeling like you need to be a part of it talk to your daughter that’s all you can do.
Why are you paying for it?
Why do you wanna plan it? You already had your wedding… let her have her moment. But I, for one, will absolutely love to have my parents help planning my wedding, been there for me since the day I was born & will be there for me even after the day they give me away.
It’s her wedding. If the money is being spent on the actual wedding then you don’t get to have an opinion. It’s kind of like buying a crib for her when she has a baby and being upset when she only uses it for naps and brings the baby to her bed to sleep at night.
Because it’s NOT YOUR WEDDING IT’S NOT YOUR DAY. I gave my daughter money and never questioned how she spent it. Do you know what happened to her Dad? Her Dad (we have been separated for years) He said, if he don’t have a say where the wedding was and how the money was spent he wouldn’t pay for the wedding (he wanted a church.) He also thought since I was a single Mom I needed his money. Well, he was wrong. I told my daughter as she was crying we don’t need his money. And guess what? Dad wasn’t invited to the wedding because he hurt his daughter that bad. Don’t laugh at your little girl when she is crying because she don’t understand holding money over her head for her wedding just so you can get your way. She hasn’t spoken to him in 3 years. Every letter, card, and phone call is sent back or ignored. She is 25 now. So put your Ego aside and let her have her day.
So, here’s the thing. People are stuck on it not being your wedding day which is true, BUT if your daughter wants to follow tradition and allow you to pay for it she should follow tradition and include you in the planning. If she’s firm on it being her day her way , she can do that on her dime.