Please help me see if I'm being irrational

My "best friend" is getting married in a couple months. She has a maid of honor and me as the matron of honor. She has made it clear that she wants the MOH and I to throw a bridal shower. Which is fine, but it's turned having close to 20 people that includes women, men and kids. And that includes feeding them all, and she chose tacos. My family is a one income household and she knows that. This month it's all about getting stuff for her wedding which all four of my family members are including in the wedding so we have to buy our outfits as well. She has offered to help in buying some. But I feel it's a little much to expect for my family to buy all the clothing prepare for this bridal shower including feeding multiple people and throw a bachelorette party for her next month all on a one income household.
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Please help me see if I'm being irrational

Imo it should be the bride’s financial responsibility for the bridal shower and bachelorette party. Simply tell her you cannot afford it.

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I would just tell her that I cannot afford it. I would be happy to host but that she needs to provide the food and such. Same goes for the Bachelorette party.

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You should have told her you are honored she asked u to be a part of her special day bud that you simply can’t afford to do it

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You shouldn’t have accepted the role. Maid/Matron of honor usually throws the bridal and or bachelorette party. But just be honest with her.

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Uh sike. Idk what she’s thinking. I’d tell her “I cannot afford all of this for your events. I can set it all up on a budget you provide for me”

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But isn’t that the maid of honors “job”?

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I didn’t think men and children went to bridal showers…you could ask all attendees to bring a plate…bah the tacos…and yes tell her it is not in your budget…she should real7se that…

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Communication is the key for any relationship even friendship

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Everyone knows the responsibility of the MOH… unfortunately it comes with strings. Maybe you could explain to her that your not financially able to meet her expectations. Be honest. No one should have to carry the burden of the party

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When I got married my MOH planned, but I paid! She paid for my cake, because she wanted to, but I paid for venue, food, decorations, etc. My bridal party did have to buy their own dresses, shoes, and earrings but I paid for everything else! This is a tough spot. So sorry you are in this pickle!

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Just be flat out honest with her.

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If you can’t do the job don’t take it. She needed to be clear of what she expected and if you or one of the bridesmaid couldn’t swing it then don’t accept the role and be honest why. If she’s a real friend she will understand

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It depends on how everyone does their weddings. I personally would never expect for any of my bridal party to pay for things. For me, I am even going to pick basic simple inexpensive dresses that I know everyone can afford.

On the other hand, my MOH has been saving since the day I asked her to be my MOH. She set aside money each paycheck to be able to do something special for me with her own money.

Everyone is different. If you can’t afford it, you have to speak up and the sooner the better. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

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Do a taco or meatball bar. Keeps the costs down a ton!

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Also, good thing about tacos is they are easy and versatile to be able to feed 20 people. That isn’t that many people at all. You all could hire a taco truck 🛻

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Last wedding I was in we had 7 bridesmaids and then the maid of honor. For the shower we all pitched in along with her Mom and Grandmother on food and decorations. For the bachelorette party we just went to eat we split her bill then went to a club. She wore a sash and got most of her drinks free but what she didn’t we just took turns buying. Of course all of her friends not even in the wedding chipped in on a stripper and we bought some booze and then invited the guys over and they brought plenty more liquor after the stripper left. So she kind of had 2 bachelorette parties. As far as clothing went we had to buy our dress which was $150 our shoes which were $50 then she got us a necklace and earrings as our gift and her mom paid to have all of our hair and makeup done. I can see it getting very expensive for everything you would be required to furnish.

That’s what MOHs do, were you not aware of this? You probably shouldn’t have accepted the role in light of your income. Perhaps you can tell her to let someone else take your place. Also, I wouldn’t think a taco bar would be that expensive. Buy food at Costco.

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How much time have you had to prepare though? If a significant amount of time she probably figured you could pull it off, especially if she’s offered to help buy outfits. She’s definitely trying to contribute!

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Step down and tell her your family cannot afford it

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Ummm wtf! She should have a budget of her own money for you to be able to do this.

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Honestly I think the idea of having your friends pay for parties for you is antiquated, it shouldn’t be expected.

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It’s pretty customary for the bridesmaids/maid of honor to throw the shower and bachelorette party. I’ve been in multiple weddings and never once has it been expected of the bride to pay for those things.
I totally understand not being able to afford it, but that kinda comes with accepting the role as far as I knew.
That being said, maybe you could ask the other bridesmaids to help out, pitch in, etc? Also…what a previous
poster said…maybe do a taco bar of some sorts so that you’re not paying for catering?

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All of my bridesmaids cooperated by putting in a certain amount for my bridal shower and my MOH AND MATRON took lead in planning but they all had a part in it! #TEAMWORK

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Gosh things have changed heaps I paid for all parties including bridal shower and hens night and all the girls clothing hair and makeup shoes and jewellery I choose them and back then bride paid for it all .

Self centered people make real hard to be friends.

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Tell her like you wrote here, it’s not fair to commit to doing things you can’t to please others, I think your friend is being abusive.

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I do too. Tell her why you’re stepping down.

I really don’t get why so many people are saying she should step down or she shouldn’t have accepted the role of MOH??? Because she can’t afford to feed that many people??? What!? Yes I understand that MOH typically throw the parties but that doesn’t mean they have to pay for EVERYTHING!! My matron & maid of honor didn’t even pay for mine, it was like split costs I think? But I would never EXPECT someone to just pay for all of it, especially when they’re a one income household. Just because she can’t afford to pay for all of it doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to be MOH. Wtf.

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Is she getting married to be gushed over or is she getting married to have a marriage? Sounds like it’s all about her. This is why I hate weddings.

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You can organize the bridal shower without footing the entire bill. Have the MOH and the rest of the wedding party chip in. Also, I don’t know how involved her family is, but a lot of times the parents and close relatives also take care of the financials of the events. I’d bet at the end of the day, people will be happy to support the bride. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

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The best thing is communication. Communicate communicate. Maybe ask the girls if she has a full on line of bridesmaids or even on or two, to help out. But be honest, be truthful, and communicate with her.

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See if you can hire the out fits
Throw a pot luck dinner and ask each guest (not the bride and groom) a plate of food to put on the table that can be shared
Ask the bride and groom mom’s if they would like to help with the cost (often they will want to be part of the festivities)
Or making the food

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Do soft tacos:

2 (40 packs) $12
10 lbs hamburger $30
5 lb cheese $10
Lettuce $4
Tomato’s $3
Olives $1
Salsa $2.50
Sour cream $3
T = $65/2 = $32.50

Drink/punch = $10
Costco Cake = $20

Decorations = $25?
Game prizes = $15?
Total = $150

$75 each

If 4 family members are in the wedding then she should help pay.

Bachelorette party can be simple. Have guests bring some booze and have a designated driver if you go out.

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Don’t go broke to impress anyone. You know exactly what you can afford and being a friend should be more important than some fancy bridal shower.

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Just step down & suggest someone else. She can’t expect you to do all that. Ridiculous

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Make it potluck Mexican food & every family/person coming contributes to the shower. Can you borrow dress clothes for the kids from other people you know (?)

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If the party is on your budget then do what you can afford, talk to her and do cake and tea instead for the shower. You can bake the cakes and I think tea and coffee isn’t too expensive if you and the other lady split the costs (im6from south africa so we do cake and tea and it’s cheaper, I’m not sure if it will be will cheaper for you)

Ask her for help . It’s her wedding xo

I did taco bar for my daughters baby shower, with one other hostess, & split the cost. We got alot of the decorations, plates, cups, banners, etc, at Dollar Tree. The most expensive thing was the cake. But you can get a pretty good cake at Wal-Mart for a not so expensive price. Don’t go overboard with the cake, cause most won’t even eat any. Serve tea, water, and/or kool-aid. I’m very thrifty with things like this, & still pulled off an amazing shower!

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Why isn’t her family throwing a shower. That’s how I grew up,

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Girllll if I were you I would tell her you can help with one or the other but not both and if I were you I would do the bridal shower. You can have people bring a dish or make it BYOB or just do the tacos, they are very inexpensive and easy to make, especially if you and the other MOH pitch in and maybe even the bride. You can make chicken taquitos, a pico de gallo, a guacamole sauce. There are a lot of recipes on TikTok . Trust me I’m Mexican and know my tacos. If she chose you as her bridesmaid I’m hoping it’s because you play a special role in her life and not for financial reasons.

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Usually the brides parents pay for the shower. You can help her mom do the work. I have never heard of the maid of honour paying for the shower.

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Ask for,and Accept help. You can’t do everything! And honestly,is not fair or reasonable for ( your friend) the bride to expect you to. Most times,people want to help but don’t know what to offer,figure out what is needed(specifics) and let people know this is what would be helpful! Brides family could be a good resource for " helpers" some people are better w decorations,others w food etc…

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Its not okay.
Also the bride doesnt choose what the showers are. Its up to the ones hosting the showers to decide when where how many and what to eat or drink if anything. It does not have to be anything more than beverages and a cake with maybe a snack tray.

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Try to just be honest, she might be more understanding than you’re expecting. If my best friend came to me like that I would feel terrible I hadn’t thought about that, and the last thing I would want is you to be stressed, because more than anything I would want you to be enjoying the moment with me❤️

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well the only thing to do is have a one on one with her and opt out as MOH

Tacos are actually very cheap. See what you and the other girl can pull together. Just make 3 a guest.

If you can’t do it, you simply can’t. If she’s a true friend, shell understand this and you guys can work together and find another way to do this. Or, politely step down. You can’t go broke and hurt your family trying to impress a bunch of people for one party.

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Tell her to pay or elope. It’s not up to you to pay for anything for her wedding

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I’ve never heard of any of the wedding party paying for anything except maybe the clothes. Nor would I expect anyone else to pay for it…

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Is there anyone else in the wedding party? Ask each one to give a certain amount for the shower to cover expenses.

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it’s HER wedding. shouldn’t be planning an entire wedding if you’re asking other people to afford it. i bet she asked y’all to pitch in for invitations too🙃

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I actually would bow out. She isn’t much of a friend if she expects you to pay for her wedding ideas . How often does she help you? Are you the one always helping?

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Yeah babe that’s asking a bit much! Honestly I wouldn’t expect anyone to pay anything to be at my wedding or be apart of it. Possibly pay for a sit down meal or something and go halves in the bridal parties dresses etc.

Maid of honor don’t pay for the bridal shower the food I never heard of that one the bachelorette yes but that’s normally just her and the brides Maids maybe the sister and sister in law of the bride but that’s it

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Is the other person not helping?

MOH and bridesmaids take care the shower and usually pay their dresses if you can’t afford it you shouldn’t except when you where ask to be MOH or bridesmaids cause it does cost money

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If you can’t you can’t she has to understand you can do only so much with some income

If you feel you really want to go ahead why not ask each person coming to the bachelorette party to bring an item, for eg one person bring mince one person the tomato salsa one person lettuce etc it would end up being very inexpensive for each person to bring something towards the dinner and then make it BYO so everyone brings their own drinks it would work out a rather cheap night.

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I would tell her she needs to pay for the food. No way would I do that unless I was able to and I offered

Shlorry but this best friend sounds like a narcissist.

You get to choose people to pay for things involving your wedding? Why didn’t anyone tell me?

When you agree to be in a wedding there are always costs involved for clothes and bridal showers. If you can’t do it just tell her.

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All bridesmaids pay for this stuff, it’s part of being in the wedding party. I’m sure you have had advance notice. The shower should be split amongst other bridesmaids and even her mother and mother in-law but you should be paying for your own outfits and hair. Also all of the women going to the bachelorette party should be contributing it’s not up to the bride to pay for her own night out. Bride should be paying for everything at the actual wedding though, food, decor, invites, booze, photographer, limos etc!

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Personally, idk about all of this stuff but if I wanted someone to plan my stuff, I’d give them money and my own budget to work with. I would be thankful if my MOH offered to help, but I think what she’s asking of you is a little much. I had my mom & sister plan my baby shower, they pitched $ in but I gave them the money needed for it. I do however, understand buying your own outfits because I think that’s the normal thing for weddings. I would offer what you can financially, if you felt comfortable and ask her to pitch the rest in. Good luck and I hope you Atleast have fun if you don’t opt out! :heart:

My daughter is getting married, her aunts are giving the shower

Bridezilla, lol. Ladies only for bridal shower, that’s the norm. Invites should indicate not suitable for children. Make a punch. Tacos make buffet style when it’s gone it’s gone. It’s her day, I get it. But it’s your wallet. Cutting the guest list to just the ladies will cut your cost! BTW you are throwing her this party…have someone else take care of the rest

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Sorry, if it put my kids in a financial burden. I’d have to tell her, I can’t do it.

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Tacos are one of the cheapest things you can do for a party. When did they get engaged? When did she ask you to be part of the wedding? How long have you known you would be in it and have you tried to save any money for your dress or anything? Yea you’re a one income house hold but you could have been taking maybe $5-$20 a month to save for a dress and/or the bachelorette party, -depending on how long you have known.-
If you can’t then you should let her know and have her ask somebody else to do it. When you excepted the request it’s kinda implied that you would be providing for said arrangement.

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Nix the tacos and do a potluck. That’s what we do.

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I paid for all my stuff for my wedding I didn’t expect my wedding party to pay. It’s not your wedding. My bridesmaids planned it, and arranged it. But, I paid it. No it should not be on your shoulders. No fair.

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The only thing my bridesmaids had to pay for was the deposit for their dresses.

It’s customary for the MOH and Maid of honor to throw the parties. If you can’t afford it I would definitely tell her.

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I was in the same situation. It was tough, but my best friend KNEW I couldn’t do it all alone. I did what I could financially & physically, then she & whoever else did the rest. We sat down made a list of what I could get with my $$ & so forth. Hopefully your friend realizes your life instead of throwing it all on you, being so much for you.
Just talk to her first before you go buying everything.

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Push I wouldn’t pay Jack for any of that. She is the one getting married she should pay for it lol

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oh no… i wouldnt buy anything for food wise… id buy my own clothes. but not the food stuff

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Honestly, just tell her. Have a conversation.

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I would step out. Why take money away from your household to please anyone for a few hours. Just say thanks appreciate the honour but no can,do.

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Never heard if having both Maid and Matron. Y’all should do together or just back out. Completely back out. It’s too much of a financial crisis. Otherwise make a budget and put in a certain amount for saving for everything. You can also get their clothes at a resale shop.

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Tbh rude! I would never expect my wedding party to pay for things! Luckily when I got married our parents paid for most of it

Then why did you agree to be Matron of honor. You would only be buying your outfit and I’m sure she would help with that. Just 20 for a shower. Wow, easy one. We usually have 50-100. Would her parents pay for it? I pay for my daughters.

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Umm she is the one that is getting married and wants all this. I never understood why they make the moh or the bridesmaids buy their own dresses. She should in no way expect you to pay any of this. And if she was a true friend she would see that you wouldn’t be able to do this and put this kind of stress on you.

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I don’t think you’re being irrational at all. Personally, I don’t understand any of this. I didn’t have a bridal shower or Bachelorette party. I only had a maid of honor and I bought her dress for $10 at Ross and it was perfect. Weddings shouldn’t break the bank, in my opinion. You need to sit down with her and have a chat about expenses. You have a family and can’t afford all of this. Your number one priority is you and your family. Good luck.

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TACO PARTY
So make the bridal shower pot luck. Have people bring different food and drink items for a taco party and you just supply the space, plates cups & utensils at your house or someone else’s, or a local park picnic area, especially if there’s a playground for the kids.

Taco meat/fish and any other hot food (queso dip?) would have to be in a heat-retaining container, but most taco fixings are cold. If climate or time of year allows, outdoors is a more COVID safe environment. Most parks don’t allow alcohol.

Or pick a modestly priced family friendly restaurant, have everyone prepay their share plus enough to cover the bride’s meal and a generous tip. Keep a list & get money from people at the door who show up without prepaying. Or assign the restaurant staff to do so (though chances are they’re already short-staffed), or assign the most forceful and intimidating person to be your door collection agent for delinquents. Plan a generous tip because of the pandemic and because dealing with kids can be challenging.

Reserve at least a week or more in advance since it’s a large party—depending on the restaurant’s size you may want to see if you can reserve the entire space. You’d have to pick a non busy time, like 2-4 in the afternoon.

Have a fixed price, fixed menu arranged in advance, like chips & salsa and/or queso, chicken and beef tacos, salad and churros, and include 1-2 Margaritas or Mexican beer in the price if you’ll have alcohol. Maybe charge less for young kids and no alcohol for them of course. If people want to order more of the allotted food or anything not on the fixed menu, they pay for it themselves as a separate bill. Make sure there are vegetarian/vegan or gluten-free options available if needed to accommodate guests, either as part of the choices offered or for them to order as a separate bill. Most kids like tacos, so that should work for them.

Again, anyone who wants/needs anything out of the ordinary buys or brings it either as part of the deal or at their individual cost. This could be baby food or yoghurt brought for a picky child, or having bean and cheese tacos as one of the choices offered, for example.

Or just host it at Taco Bell, maybe during a non busy period like 2-4 in the afternoon, have people order & pay for whatever they want & you & maid of honor pay for the bride. No booze though. Bonus is no one has to kick anyone out of their house at the end and no clean up. You may want to bring paper bridal centerpieces or balloons from the dollar store for the tables to make it more festive, maybe a “Bride” sash or veil or crown from a party store for the guest of honor.

Have some fun games planned like Mad Libs. Bring rolls of tape & pairs of scissors and have everyone make hats out of the wrapping paper & ribbon. Have everyone come with a funny (but not mean) story about the bride, or a funny and safe for kids joke—about marriage or weddings if possible, but not necessary. Kids jokes may not be that funny but the way they tell them can be hilarious.

Have everyone come with their advice for a happy marriage on 3x5 cards and collect them in a decorative container as a gift to the bride. The bride or someone with washed hands can read the cleaner ones out loud without the names if you need another activity.

Alternatively have everyone bring a safe for work poem or reading (serious, romantic, sentimental or funny) to read to the bride. Start off with the funny ones and end with the ones that make you cry, or vice versa. Verses from Romeo and Juliet or the Corinthians “love is patient” verses will be popular, so encourage people to be more creative.

BACHELORETTE PARTY
Same: Reserve a block of seats at a male strip club and have people buy their own tickets through the venue.

Alternatively collect money from people in advance or at the door of your home (or someone else’s home who has the room), for a male stripper to come. Serve cheap drinks & snacks like cheap wine & beer, hard seltzer, liters of soda & seltzer, iced tea, popcorn, chips & dip, grapes, and have the maid of honor put together a charcuterie board of meat, cheese, crackers and bread, or ask the wealthier friend or friends if they could do so. No meal required. Or make it pot luck.

Maybe make a sheet cake from a boxed mix. Frosting hack: put can of frosting in microwave for 10 seconds at a time until pourable. Pour it over the cake for an even surface when it cools. Buy fake flowers from the dollar store or use a few real flowers from someone’s yard to decorate the cake & get a tube of edible gel & write “Congratulations Name!” on it. Or assign someone else to bring a cake.

Assuming no kids you can do the “phrase or question adding “in bed” at the end, advice for the wedding night or to keep the wedding spicy, or Google activities. People remember the fun and laughter more than anything else. Of course if you have a stripper (not even needed if you don’t want) this should be indoors.

I swear, friends used to get together to celebrate and everyone would contribute and people were grateful for anything. It all seems like such a greedy gift grab now w.it’s ridiculous expectations. Originally there were bridal showers because females married young and were setting up a household from scratch as they left their parents’ homes.

Today we frown on marrying off underage girls, most women have paid jobs, a place of their own and plenty of possessions before they get married. I’m guessing bachelorette parties originated to clue young virgins in on how to have sex. I’d bet your bride to be is not a virgin though! So this all seems unnecessary and superfluous.

Hope your friend is OK with whatever you plan and is not an entitled Bridezilla. If she wants to dictate all the (expensive) details tell her maybe she’d better plan and pay for it herself. Be honest about what you’re able and willing to do and hold your boundaries.

Should have turned her down then 🤷🏽

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Make it clear you can’t afford to feed that many people. What about making the shower a taco themed potluck where everyone brings something? For the bachelorette party everyone buys their own drinks and food and pitches in for the brides food and drinks.

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I would tell her I’m backing out because I’m not paying for all that. Of she gets mad she gets mad. I would be humiliated to even ask someone else to pay for something I wanted.

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They aren’t so common anymore, but why don’t you do a bring a plate and a bottle party. Every guest will bring 1 buffet item and their own drink. This way at least you know they like 1 thing on the menu and it doesn’t leave anyone without money

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I would make it clear you will buy the clothes needed for the wedding, but it is up to the bride to pay for the supplies & food costs of the bridal shower & ALL members of the bridal party should be pitching in towards the bachelorette party. Not to mention there really should be no men or children at either of these functions.

If she is not on with that, then she needs to make arrangements for someone else to take over the position and duties.

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You lost me when you put quotes around best friend. You aren’t her friend.

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Throw a cheap party and make your own tacos to serve. She offered to help. Have her buy the food and you cook and serve it. If she offered to help like you stated, you could totally pull something small and nice. Instead of taking to social media to complain, talk it out with her like an adult.

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I can’t believe how many people are supporting you being upset. What planet are we even on where you don’t think being IN a wedding, let alone matron of honor, would cost $$? And you’re sharing cost for the food with someone else and you chose to wait til the last minute to buy 4 outfits. I mean…how is this the brides fault that you don’t have your shit together?

Oh i would runnnn she sounds like a bridezilla

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She is your Best friend? Talk to her.

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#1 - I have never heard of a Bride asking someone to throw her a shower …
#2 - let her know there will be a specific guest list
#3 - when there are children … trust me - you have to entertain them … NO KIDS ALLOWED would be my policy!
Wow, I mean WOW!!! If it was me I would back out - seriously; yes, even a the risk of the friendship…

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I don’t understand the concept of asking your best friend to spend a ton of money on you for an honorary role in YOUR big day. Quite honestly, I never understood anyone besides the bride, the husband, and their parents being asked to pay for anything just because two people decided to get married. If a big wedding, wardrobe, and pre and post parties aren’t within your budget, you need to refigure your party planning, IMO, but then, it never made sense to me to pay more than a few hundred on a dress you’re only wearing for a single afternoon, either, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask. However, it’s my opinion that, since it’s not the matron of honor who is getting married, and you have a family to consider. I’d understand maybe an intimate group, like maybe ten of her closest friends, but not husbands and kids, too. If she wants something twice as big as you can afford, she needs to at least cover the bill for the extra guests she wants to invite.

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Why isn’t the maid of honor doing any of it? You need to be upfront with her

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I was fortunate enough that amazing aunt OFFERED (I didn’t ask) to throw me a bridal shower and my Maid of honor just set up a night of bar hoping so she didn’t have to spend much. Talk to the Maid of honor and maybe you can explain your situation and she can cover more of the cost while maybe you do a little more of
the set up and stuff.