Rant/ vent on mother in law / mamas boy husband am I wrong to feel this way?

First let me say I love my mother in law, she is like another mother to me, but she steps way over the line sometimes. I grew up with both parents taking care of my brother and me while husband has divorced parents from young school age and lived with his mother. My dads side of the family Is well basically is angry Italian / polish mix… so after my dad passed when I was young I had to learn to grow a back bone because everything was my fault and I was treated as a maid..

Okay so I have been with my husband for almost 6 years married almost 1 year. And his mom has to put her nose in everything. We are trying to buy a house and need to stay in one area (easier to get my daughter to her biological dads/ grandmothers and also easy for them to get her to school). Mother in law won’t come to me about anything but go to my husband. Questions of “why is SHE (meaning me) dragging her feet and not getting her bio dad in the conversation of you guys getting more custody?” “I feel that SHE has an excuse not to better your family and letting the bio dad control your life”. And there’s more to it but that’s the simplest version. And we have my daughter 2 weeks then her bio dad gets 1 week… this works because of my husbands schedule….But yes I dont like my daughters bio dad because of many reasons but to call him a bad dad is out right disgusting he is an amazing dad, but I want to keep things nice and civil, and the psychological damage that it can do to my daughter I don’t want her to be as depressed as I was growing up…
She won’t walk into our house because it “looks like a sh** hole”… my husband owned the house years before my daughter and I moved in and I’m expected to do everything around the house / yard… our house is clean, I do clean stuff every day but when your child messes it up within 5 mins of walking in you give up sometimes and when you feel like you’re the only one cleaning it puts a weight on you…
We say we don’t want anything for birthday, Christmas etc and they still keep getting us things. Don’t get me wrong I am great full but we do not have storage for anything and saying it’s my fault that I don’t get rid of things… since I have moved in I have gotten rid of so much stuff but I don’t buy new unless the household needs it.
She thinks I am not capable of doing things on my own and looks down on me for it. But she knows that I was a single mom, living paycheck to paycheck on my own no help for years till I met my husband and we moved in a few years later.
Might need to note we work complete opposite schedules, husband is 9am-5pm while I’m 7:30pm-6am. This works for us… but the fact that I keep getting the “when are you going to daylight? This isn’t ideal if you want a family” “you’re just hurting my son because you two don’t spend time together” and all that fun stuff…
First off, I went to bed early when I was on a daylight shift… second not my fault that my husband goes to do this sport in our days off and says he will be home at noon and shows up at 4pm… so spending time together I get it but also if I had a daylight job I could keep the house clean… so basically a maid…mind you I sleep maybe 5-6 hours a day while he sleeps 7-10… I work full time / over time (medical lab, kinda demanding sometimes especially since covid testing started) but I switched my schedule for my husband and his job… I clean the house so they don’t have to do anything but he still helps when I ask for help…
She babies my husband so much it’s annoying and still won’t come to the source me but go to my husband and my foolish beliefs that he says something negative about me. I’m ready to message her and tell her my side so that it doesn’t look like I’m such a crappy person (it happened in the past with my own family that I have a major problem with it) and I want to tell her kindly to step away your son is in his 30’s he’s an adult.
Sorry for the long post but I really needed outside views… am I wrong to feel this way? How should I go about it so that way she doesn’t dislike me even more… TIA

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Rant/ vent on mother in law / mamas boy husband am I wrong to feel this way?

Set boundaries. Ban her from your home until she learns to respect you. If your husband doesn’t like it, he can go too. :woman_shrugging: She’s doing these things because she keeps getting away with it.

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Honestly what does your husband say TO her about all this? My fiance and I work opposite shifts, no one has ever asked why we don’t both work daylight shifts because they know its none of their business. I wouldn’t butt in and say your son is in his 30s, your husband shpuld be saying that and if he’s not and just keeps letting it happen, he’s just as much to blame :woman_shrugging:

Honestly talk with your husband about it, he needs to be putting his foot down and defending you to and telling his mom to step back! A relationship is two people so doesn’t include her.
And then id also tell him I’m going to message your mom my side of things and tell her she needs to come to me if she has an issue with me and my child.

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She does this stuff because y’all (you and your husband) allow it. I’m gonna go ahead and just assume that she has always been this way, even prior to y’all getting married. So you knew what to expect and chose to marry into it anyway. If your husband is to much of a mamas boy to speak up, then speak up for yourself. If he has a problem with you standing up for yourself, then you have two choices:

  1. Stay and accept that this is your life
  2. Throw the whole family away

Either way, you need to put your foot down.

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He should speak up …you saying something will create a whole nother issue trust me

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Hope you feel better.

No matter what she says say “Thank you for your suggestions”. And leave it at that.

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I’m sorry you’re going through this. Matthew 19:5. I would let your husband have a word with his mom. I think it would put you in the middle or make you out to be the the bad one. Besides the less you say about her the less she has to use as an excuse to meddle.

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Put your foot down to your husband. Tell him it is time to fix it. If he won’t put his foot down and stand up to her, well then it very well maybe time you leave him to her. Tell her yourself also to step off. If need be cut her off or it will eventually lead to your marriage ending regardless.

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She already doesn’t come in your house and the way she sounds I would be grateful. Tell your husband that anything she says you don’t want to hear it. Its not his job to relay messages and know she feels comfortable talking sh… about you to him bc he entertains it. He has to tell her stop, but from the sounds of it, he won’t. Sad that you says she’s like a second mother to you, who wants a mother like that. Let her have some distance for your own sanity.

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Toxic is toxic. I would distance yourself!! Keep doing what you and your husband feel is best! It’s your family and home that you guys are building, not hers!

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Why do you allow your daughter to make the house messy? Since you did not mention her age but said you were a single parent for years and years and have been with your husnand 6 years I assume she is at least 10, old enough to help clean, I get you don’t want her to feel like a maid but she needs to learn how to help clean it is part of learning responsibility.
As far as the MIL goes if she never visits your home then she is getting information somewhere most likely your husband, you really need to have a heart to heart with both of them.

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He needs to take to her. Boundaries need set. He needs to help around the house. Your life isn’t her business, your husband needs to make her aware of this. He needs to not run to her about your problems. If he doesn’t stand up to her is going to end up ruining your relationship.

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Stop 3nabking her to do this. And make sure you put your foot down with your husband ! You are not married to his mother.

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She sounds horrible… I give you credit for loving someone so toxic. With that said your man sound be putting mommy dearest in her place! You need to have a sit down with him and tell him where you are mentally with this.

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The problem is lack of boundaries and you and hubs not in same page. Counseling can be very very helpful. There’s several great books on the subject of boundaries that would be a good place to start to get your life back on track.

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Your MIL doesn’t come to your home. So she is getting all the information from your husband. You need to have a conversation with your husband. Tell him to stop talking about you to his mother and for his mother to step back and mind her business.

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Tell her very nicely to please look after her own marriage and leave you and your husband to look after your own marriage and your daughters father is none of her business . You are incredibly patient woman

He should be defending you to his mother. He married you. That was his choice. Let him know if he doesn’t, that it leaves you no choice but to have a nice little talk with MAMA!

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Do nothing. Just don’t care what she says. Let her gripe to her son. Refuse to gripe back.

Ok first of all don’t say you love your MIL then say she says and does ALL this stuff. I dealt with a MIL just like that for 18 yrs! It gets worse and it will ruin your marriage! I even took care of ex MIL when she was seriously I’ll because none of her own 3 daughters could be bothered to then she accused me of trying to kill her! That’s when I said I was done! You will never be good enough for her son and sorry but he’s a mommy’s boy! If he was a real man he would have already stood up for you and told her enough and go away but that will never happen! So you have 2 choices: either leave now or be prepared of a lifetime of dealing with a hateful two faced MIL.

She treats her son like he’s her man. He needs therapy, he’s probably been indoctrinated with it his whole life.

Mommas boys r the worst I feel ya

Hubby should stick up for you. Period

Sounds like awful mother in law. Love her from afar. She crossed the line and will never come back. I had to put my foot down and she is not allowed back at our house. She lives out of state.