Should I allow my son to hang out with family he doesn't even know?

Please post anonymously. My friend has a 5 yr son whose father has been absent from his life except for when he was two until he was 3. At 3, he told her that he didn’t have the patience to deal with him. He doesn’t pay child support, nor does he even call/text to check on his child. The father’s family has only been around for two birthday parties and nothing else. They had never expressed interest in being in his life until a couple of days ago when the grandma asked my friend if her son could come over to spend Father’s Day with them. My friend explained that she doesn’t think it’s a good idea because she doesn’t want her son to face any emotional damage from the father and his family being inconsistent in his life. The only thing her son says about his father is that he wishes he would take him fishing. He doesn’t ask where he is or says that he misses him. Is she wrong for not wanting to let her son spend the day with family that he doesn’t even know?

38 Likes

This sounds like a duh moment … no you dont send a child to a stranger even biological its still strangers and you just dont do that to a child shes definitely in the right if they showed interest outta no where and took slow steps to befriend them and like slowly get to know him and he knows them maybe but no not strangers off a random interest

3 Likes

I don’t think she’s wrong at all, why put the baby through that if they wanted to be in his life they would have

1 Like

Never put s child in that position …if you were there that’s different but you don’t drop a five year old off with a bunch a strangers …that’s like throwing the stranger danger rule out the window

This relationship has to start somewere regardless . SO WHO IS GOING BE THE BETTER ADULT .

6 Likes

Heck no! Do not allow them any unsupervised visits until they’ve a proper relationship plus a court order. You wouldn’t drop your kid to a random house of people neither of you know so why would you do it just because they are blood. He doesn’t know them. Say you can meet in a mutual place for an hour but you will be staying with him. Its really odd after 2 years they randomly want him for a day. Red flag completely

8 Likes

That would be a big NO for me. If they want to visit and make an effort that’s fine. But no I wouldn’t send my kid over there. Not until they showed some honest consistency. My husbands dad and step mom love to see our girls(2 and 3)if we take them over there but never call and check on them or ask to see them. They see them only on a holiday for a couple hours. They have even been here to our house but didn’t come in and didn’t even ask to see the girls. I’d never just take them over there and drop them off. My husband has a strained relationship with his mother but she makes the effort to see the girls a few times a week as well as my family does.

1 Like

The relationship has to start somewhere. These people are reaching out, I would jump on that if it meant my child knowing more of his family! However I would not drop and run. I would counter back with “WE would love to come spend a couple hours visiting! Would you like me to bring anything along with us?”
It is not the grandma’s fault the father is a dick…and a child should be given the opportunity to get to know them!

3 Likes

Way to much too soon. I would sugest a lunch at my sons fav restaurant or park if areas are open due to Covid. Or they can meet at my sons home for short period for a start. Then they can get to know each other and take it from their.

This exactly my story. I wish I would of seen these comments 15 years ago. My son is emotionally damaged and they just come and go when they please… his entire side of his father side done absolutely nothing. One one thing out of a year if that. He go over there once in awhile and they try to have him around on holidays smh when there are 365 in a year. Don’t do it

If she’s there too it’s fine. Not alone.

2 Likes

Dont do it. Because all that needs to happen is for dad to come back and unless she has full custody of child and dad has no legal or physical custody. He can with hold the child from her until court. It will be messy and heart wrenching

1 Like

I am sharing this testimony to partners suffering in their relationships because there is an enduring solution. My lover left me with our kids for another man for 3 years. I couldn’t control the pains tormenting my heart. I was hurt and confused,I needed a help so bad that i did a research on the internet and came across a site where I saw that Dr Nathan can help get lovers back. I contacted him and he did a spells for me. To my surprises, after 2 days, my lover came back home. We reunited and there was a lot of love, joy and peace in the family again.You can as well contact Dr Nathan for solutions on relationship issues, health, wealth, work promotions and so on. Email him at. :(Nathanayakasolutionhome@gmail. com) Whatsapp him +2347019014544

No i wouldn’t, maybe if your willing to go too (mom) then that might work. But would not abandon my child with people he doesnt know. Be firm. Even courts wouldn’t allow this.

2 Likes

The best would be start lunch dates at Peter piper or the park. The child has to know who they are and the mom should feel comfortable enough to know who these people are before she lets her child go with them. But it’s great that the grandma wants to be a part of her grandchild even if the dad doesn’t.

4 Likes

Probably not… Or maybe suggest she bring the chd over to visit but she stays as well. So he is not uncomfortable and she can monitor the situation.

1 Like

Too little too late in my opinion

2 Likes

Maybe invite them to do something you all are able to do together so he can meet them but he is not alone. My sons father was absent but his family would invite US to events so they could see him

It’s a diffecuilt one. Will your son be emotionally disturbed if he found out you denied him the right to see his gran. In yrs to come. So you must weigh the situation up yourself. But of course don’t leave him alone with anyone until your comfortable

No way and if tries need be supervised sense hasn’t been present. I have a almost25 yr old daughter and her dad walked away because wasn’t getting his way last time saw her she was between 3and 5 preschool age and now almost 25 and she will tell her dad off if she’s there was only one member kept contact until passed few yrs ago fell I’ll few yrs back

I know it’s important for both sides .
The child as he gets older are going to ask the question .did they want to see me.
You need to be honest with the child.
Went thru this

Maybe meet them at the playground and go from there, if they’re serious about being in the v kiddos life.

any relationship that is strained and they do not see each other should be supervised by a person the child trusts…

She is absolutely not in the wrong! My son is almost 12. His dad hasn’t seen him in 8 years, but some of his dads family is involved with him. My daughter is about to be 7. Her dad hasn’t seen her, but 10 minutes, in the last 4 years. His family was in and out, and I finally just put an end to it. My number one priority, as any mothers should be, is the health (mental and physical) and happiness of my children!

2 Likes

Yeah…no from me. Not only the emotional toll, but leaving your child with strangers with no way of knowing what could happen to him…a big, big no.

I have a 16 yr old her birth father walked out when I was pregnant with her I tried over the yes for him to get to her he wouldn’t an he gets mad at her because she doesn’t have time for his crap

She’s not wrong. At this point leaving him with grandma for a weekend would be the same as picking any stranger off the street & handing him over. They’ve had no interest in him. I wonder what their motive is now? I would tell grandma that I’d be open to short scheduled, consistent visits do he could get to know her then see where that leads them. Maybe grandma can treat him to McDs twice a month or take him to the park. With mom or someone else he’s familiar with of course.

Nope. If they’ve made zero efforts to be in his life, they deserve nothing. She has every right to not be comfortable with it. If they truly want a relationship with him it should be on his terms and whatever he is comfortable with

1 Like

Nope. Your son.
Does the father want to spend Father’s Day with this child? Sounds like grandma is doing the asking. Sounds like she hasn’t been a beacon of light in little ones life either.

Not at all. He is a half ass and just wants the honor of being told happy fathers day! He needs to get his mind right and don’t let him walk in and out like it’s ok. He he wants to have a relationship its not a once in a blue. Its a forever and if he can’t do that then he should just completely disappear and when his son gets older he will know the reason y , momma bear was just protecting her baby

No!! If they want to be apart of his life, then it should be on her terms. Like she’ll be with him if he goes and visits. I dont let my son see his dad’s side unless I’m with him. She should do whatever feels right to her.

3 Likes

I would not let him go alone, if they want to start a relationship with him, start slow. Do not leave him with strangers which is what they are to him. Meet at neutral place or insist that you are there also.

1 Like

Only if u are present at all times and limit the time…take it slow & then see if they really want a relationship…if not don’t bother.

Not wrong at all!! But don’t deny all contact. Tell them the relationship needs to be built slowly for the sake of the child.

Why should she make it convenient he needs to make an effort not the mother or child

He doesn’t know them. They can start slow at her house. Who’d send her baby to strangers, no she did good.

F;&$ all of that and HIS family! They had a choice as well, they chose to be just as pointless as the donor✌🏾

Nope! It’s too late now. They need to wait until the child is old enough to understand things and not be fully traumatized by the situation. Keep doing what’s right hunny!

1 Like

If the mother HINDERS a potential father/son relationship… that is the worst thing she could do. My kids father is a real ass… he spent years not seeing them. Yet any time he did want to I let him. Why? Because it is their choice and his choice about the relationship they have. NOT mine. Same goes for his family. In my opinion, the more people who love the child the better. If the mother stops the father or his family from gaining a relationship or attempting to have one then eventually the kid will holds resentment and always wonder what if…

Grow up! Why ask? You know the answer!

I sure wouldn’t let him go for an Unsupervised visit with the family he doesn’t know !!! If they want to get to know him they can come around on his mom’s territory and his moms timetable . She’s the one her son will feel safe & trusting with -enough with to allow himself to get the know the other family .

11 Likes

I’d let them see him. With me there at first until the child gets the know them better before letting them take him alone. Could end up being great for the child. A child can never have too much love and be taught forgiveness cause we all make mistakes.

12 Likes

After no child support and very limited visits, the ONLY way the boy goes over there is with mom. If you want him to be around, pay the child support, take advantage of any scheduled visits, and get into the boy’s life. Otherwise, he will call someone else dad when mom finds a real man.

6 Likes

I think it would be very uncomfortable for the son if he doesn’t know anyone there. Plus, how well do you even know these people? The father can’t just pop up for Father’s day and brag to his family about his son when he has nothing to do with him the rest of the days in the year. Maybe next Father’s day if he proves himself.

3 Likes

After 5 years i feel mom is right. If they really wanted that little guy in their lives ( especially consistent ) theyd have done it by now. Long before now. Thats my opinion. Or maybeeeee another time start slow a few visits n see. But not now with a whole group of strangers

8 Likes

Not knowing the full story, there may be reasons the father has not paid child support. However, with that being said, I paid child support for 14 years. I got behind from time to time due to job loss and injury but always made it up. I always got my son when I was supposed to. If I could not due to work, my wife or mother got him until I got home. I moved 400 miles away when he was 10 years old and still saw him every other weekend. I either drove to get him or my parents got him and met me with him. I’m sorry to say there is no excuse for not being a father to your children. I would not allow him to go with his mother until there was some kind of consistent visitation pattern established. It could be mentally damaging to the child being with people he doesn’t really know. My son tells everyone he knows about how his father sacrificed and drove 800 miles round trip every other weekend to be part of his life. He and I now live in the same area and see and talk to each other every other day or so. We have an awesome relationship, much better than he and his mother do. I see so many time mothers try to keep their children from the father due to bitterness but I don’t see that as the case here. You have to think about the child and what is best for him. Maybe the father’s family could start visiting more while the mother is there till she feels comfortable letting him go with them alone.

5 Likes

I’d say the same rule applies them as the day. Show some innovative and come around more often to earn that privilege of him going off with them. Even if the dad never does, they can and should, but they need to show they want to and can be consistent first.

4 Likes

In my state SC grandparents have no rights only the biological parents and if they want to see the child they should do it when their father has him. But like everyone said go threw the courts and make it legal including child support. If the father still doesn’t want to see the child while you get support that’s his loss. I know it will be hard to explain to the child but as he gets older it can be the childs decision to contact the father and his grandparents.

Father or not, do not hand a child over to people you really do not know.

5 Likes

Where were the other family members all this time if that was my grand baby I would have been in his life and would be on his dad’s back for being an ass and not being in his life she has a right to say no because I am raising a granddaughter and 3 great grandchildren from parents that don’t give a damn and I have the right to say no because I have always been there for them

4 Likes

She is not wrong. They are not there for the child so why now? If I were the child’s mother, I would explain to them that now is not the right time for the child to be invited in and then shoved out. When he is older, around age 16, she will allow him to make his own decision about whether he wants to be part of that side of the family or not, understanding that it may still be an off/on again relationship with them.

Children need consistency but they also want to know who they are and where they come from. They crave parents. Most children who have been raised in a single parent home have fantasies about the missing parent and want to know them.
I would encourage contact. I would start out slow and for short time periods until you feel comfortable. Maybe just all meeting for ice cream. If you see an effort and consistency you can then discuss longer time frames. Explain your reasoning calmly to the grandparents, if they truly want to become part of the child’s life they will understand.

5 Likes

First I would sit with them. Ask where have you been. Then make days they meet you till son is comfortable with them. Get to know the people your son is going to be around.

3 Likes

Why would she be in the wrong? Clearly the father doesn’t care about this child and neither does the family. This child isn’t a pet. You can’t pick and choose when you want to be in his life. She’s completely in the right to not have them in his life if they are that inconsistent

5 Likes

I had a similar situation. When my son turned 9 my ex disappeared from his life. At 14 my son started blaming me for that. When it got nasty, I called his father and insisted he come to see him. He did, and hasn’t seen him since. My son is 41 now. My in-laws and their family completely ignored my son. So, no i wouldn’t allow it. I would tell them that if they want to see him they can come to your home to spend time with him. Guarantee they’ll never show up.

A five year old may not have all the words to convey how they feel. saying I wish he would take me fishing is saying so much more than just fishing. That is likely a I miss him, I want to do things with him that I think father’s and sons do together. He may not say he is missing him but he is. Listen to the littles.

2 Likes

No she is not… Until the father is more active in the boys life he has no rights. Until he pays child support and takes care of the boy he has no rights… Fought this battle too many times

3 Likes

I would never allow it as he doesn’t know anyone. I feel without you he would feel like u abandoned him. Do what’s best for your son. He goes you go

Nope not wrong by saying no…if it isn’t dad requesting his son for that day then no remorse should be felt…if they really wanted a relationship with the child it would be a request made often not just a specific day like fathers day…nope don’t feel like your required to send your child somewhere they aren’t used to going to

2 Likes

No she is protecting her son from more emotional harm, it sounds like this is Grandma’s idea not the father’s. If the father really wants to see his son it’s up to him to ask.

1 Like

She’s not wrong. The inconsistencies create so much confusion! It’s just not worth it. In my opinion…

1 Like

No, no no… Doesn’t know the family… With all this crazy crap going on. Everyday you hear in the news. I wouldn’t, just saying.

Dont let him go. These people are strangers to him. If they want a relationship and you agree then take small steps. Maybe meet for an ice cream one day. With you there of course. Maybe they can come to your house for a few short visits. See how it goes. Since the grandparents and dad haven’t wanted to see him til now they can accept your decisions. I hope you have full custody. No overniggt visits.

2 Likes

She’s wise woman. She should do all she can to keep her child away from him. If there must be contact, only when she is there too. Don’t give in!

1 Like

You should not just send your kid alone at 5. How scary that would be to be dumped off with basically strangers.

3 Likes

I would agree with no. First she needs to call DOR and set up a court date to get child support, that child deserves that. Then have supervised visitation until that child gets to know this family. That poor child with people being in and out is not fair. If they really want to get to know him they will show up for visitation. Been there done that! So sad.

Unless the dad asks, I wouldn’t let him go. If he wanted to see him & begin a relationship, then he needs to reach out.

1 Like

No, the parent knows of these people and the child doesn’t know them at all…NO

2 Likes

My grandson has had basically no contact with his father since he was 3. Before that it was when mom took him to see father & his family. His dad would call only when he was in jail, grandson would talk to him but didn’t really know him or what to say. At about 10 or 11, he started becoming upset & wanted to see his dad. Mom got a hold of him, they made arrangements for a day. She took son over to visit his dad. She stayed in car for the 3 hours or so so he could have a visit. That was 3 tears ago, he has been fine since & hasn’t asked to see him again. Think of getting them together differently than a whole family thrown in at once.

2 Likes

The child did not ask to be born the so called dad and i say this because there is so many out there they know when they have a child it is up to the parents (mom or dad) to be in the childs life if they choose not to be then it just confuses the child to where they think it is there fault and then they grow up with a lot of emotional problems I say keep him away from the child until he can prove it is going to be consistent of the dad being in the childs life children have enough to deal with they don’t need a part time anything period

1 Like

Go with your gut instinct. I would not force him if he doesn’t want to. Also the sperm donor is a bad person and would be a bad influence. Just my opinion.

1 Like

No she is not wrong. If they want to see him the Mom needs to be there as well. She can’t drop her son off with complete strangers and they should know better. She can message me if she would like. I have been in that situation as well.

No she not wrong. I would let my kids go with people the child doesn’t know with out me and I wouldn’t got to spend the day with his family either

Tell grandma that you’d like to have a conversation with your ex if he’s interested He needs to make the call and have the conversation with her not grandma.

No she is right. He needs his dad to be stable and be there. If he isn’t going to be then don’t allow him to be. This can mess with a childs head for years into adulthood. My ex tried this and I put a stop to it. Don’t let them just sash in anytime they want to and then not see him for years. My ex has not been in my kids life since 2004 . I’ve been mom and dad. Believe me he doesn’t need a dad that’s going to mess with his feeling and his head.

No you not worng let him sing he rights away hope you Don’t have to deal with all that my son is dealing with this now but he has his child

She should do what’s best for her and her son if hes not in the boys life, then why upset him now, he doesn’t even help financially even though she could go to the child maintenance people, but tell them no,

She’s not wrong, the in & out can do more damage than just the absence.

1 Like

i would think a huge talk is in order. ie us going to be invited to more event and family gatherings, are the grandparents going to take a more active roll in the child’s life even if the dad doesn’t??? and mom needs to be there as well. don’t send him over unsupervised until she’s positive that the child is safe and comfortable there

talk to the family and let your son get to know his family maybe it will be the best thing for him don’t look back and say of all sad things of mice and men the saddestof these it might of been family is special

Maybe he would be a good father without the child support thing it’s an extortion of some sorts. He might contribute more if he’s given a chance

Sounds fishy, like why all of the sudden and don’t go alone with your son take some of your peeps with you. Sorry for ME I wouldn’t even respond.

No inconsistency is really hard on a kid until they can prove they can be consistent she’s making the right choice

1 Like

No she’s not, people have to be vigilant when it comes to their children, just because their family doesn’t mean anything, if the father and his family haven’t cared anything about the child in that time frame then her child shouldn’t be around them unless the mother intends to go and be there, otherwise no

Not a chance would I let this visit happen if I was her! She has the right to protect her child. Exposure to their inconsistent behavior will just confuse the hell out of him & that’s just unfair on him.

The important thing is that you know and trust them. If your son wants to go for just a few hours, I dont see the harm.

They need to meet mutually a few times. Meet at the park and have a picnic, go to McDonald’s, go to the zoo. You don’t just hand your kid over to someone you or they don’t know!

Yes and no the child should be socialized with good family

Child support payments from the non primary parent is a matter completely separate from visitation, although its frustrating as a Mother to not get support to provide for the child, it shouldn’t weigh in her decision making regarding visitation and familial contact. That’s why the courts are there, to enforce this if she chooses.

Regarding letting his family have a relationship with their son, unless there is a safety, physical or mental health concern then I think the answer is a resounding Yes they should be given an opportunity to establish a relationship with the child. I believe it should be monitored by Mom until consistency and trust can be established.

I’ve been in this exact situation and what swayed my opinion and decision to allow the family in my son’s life, is knowing one day I’d have to explain to my son why he never met his dad or his dad’s family. I could never keep that from my son, its keeping him away from part of who he is and where he comes from. I felt it would’ve been selfish for me to prevent him from those experiences and relationships. In my situation, it turned out that his bio grandma has been the most consistent, loyal, and loving extended family member in his life. Just like my son, she was an innocent person impacted by the failure between bio dad and me, and she literally thanks me every single time she sees my son…even 5 years later! Lol. I tell her she doesn’t need to thank me, she’s family.

Don’t set him up to be hurt and disappointed, these family members seem to be fly by night/seat of their pants people. Let them come to him and always be present when they do.

My ex’s family is like that the whole 14 yrs of her life they don’t call her or come see her because they don’t like me it’s there loss now they complain because my daughter doesn’t know them it’s there fault I’m not going to force her to see family that ignored her

She should let them in but if they don’t step up to the plate after that then that’s it no more at less give them a chance because when he gets older he will want to see him and ask him why he wasn’t there

The little boy should come first. The Dad and his family should feel that way also.

I’d have a long sit down talk to make sure theybarent going ro see him once and then leave again. If I decided to allow them to visit him it would be in public, supervised- trips to the park, aquarium, etc.

My husbands family was a thousand miles away so yes they didn’t come visit would never say no . Are you afraid they might abuse him. He may very well like them.

No she is not wrong,the family would probably be in and out of his life .l wouldn’t do it

Who says you must leave him with them ? Take him over visit for awhile, arrange another visit , just don’t leave him with them . These are strangers you would not leave your child with strangers you barely know.

1 Like

Even courts would only allow a couple hour periods and transition into longer times like overnight. If he wants to see his kid then great let him go through the system and then they can also make sure child support is paid.
But it’s too much on a child with inconsistent parents … my ex wasn’t consistent and choose to sleep instead of see my son. After that I told him no more because it was going to hurt my kid seeing someone not choosing him. He has the best daddy now maybe not blood but there’s no step to it.
A kid doesn’t need someone in their life that’s not around or if they are when it’s convenient for them

Nope nope nope hell no you do not want his family trying to take control of your child if it is not the dad trying then nope tell them after a few supervised visits with dad and family than you would be more comfortable but not right now make it on your terms period. If they have been out of the kids life this whole time keep them out

I would not let him go because he does not know them. i would also worry if he went and got attached to them and then they disappear again, what that abandonment would do to the child. he does not know them, he does not miss them…leave it at that