Should I force my daughter to see her dad?

They are both old enough to decide. Him not having any legal rights is also an added bonus if he gets mad. He already signed them away so he can’t do anything.

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Nope, never make a child go if they feel uncomfortable. They sense it better than we do.
Just going the whole bullshit with my granddaughter. He took her and doesn’t return. Instead threatening here with she never will go back to her mommy and mawmaw if she doesn’t say what he wants her too…

No it’s her choice. I don’t blame her that’s how she feels.

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She is old enough to make that decision and parenting you can’t just say nope not today then pick back up years later

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Nope. Her choice. If they don’t wanna go they shouldn’t have to.

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Forcing her won’t make her bond with him better. It’ll most likely strain the relationship even more than it already is. She’s old enough to decide she doesn’t want to go so you should support her decision even if it makes her father frustrated/upset. He made a choice when they were small and now she has a choice now that she is grown.

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Don’t force her to do anything

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Nope she’s 14, don’t make her, he gave his rights away. They don’t owe him anything.

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I wouldn’t force her to go. She needs to let her dad know that she doesn’t want to go for the extended stay. If he pushes for an explanation, it is up to her to tell him why she doesn’t want to go.

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No way in he11. He abandoned his kids & you for 8 years. He doesn’t get to pick back up where he left. It’s way too late. I would not pressure her to have any relationship with him.

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If she doesnt want to go dont make her go. Shes old enough to know

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Nope. If she is not comfortable then do not make her go.

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No, don’t let her go.

I will start my opinion telling you that you are a great mother and a example for many others that teach their kids to hate their fathers , what he did was wrong and inexcusable but it’s not late to try to have a relationship with his kids ,I think that he is trying to force things out and do a lot of stuff to recover all the time he missed with the kids, they are practically getting to know each other and everything should be slowly and gradually so they do not feel overwhelming, I do not think that you should force her to spend time together, he is the one who left so he should do stuff according to the kids terms.
I will tell her to give him a chance and I will definitely have a conversation with him about it.
I think that all he needs is direction and guidelines

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It seems like you kinda welcome him back in their lives…it is not up to you ,now, it is their decision…

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I would not force her maybe offer shorter visit or the day he comes to pick kids up she can spend time with him .

Nope. She’s old enough to decide. He choose his life—particularly being away from his kids for all those years. You’re a very patient human to even let him see them at all. :blue_heart:

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She is telling you she is uncomfortable… I would never put my daughter in a position to feel that way. Especially that far from home. That’s all on him. He made the choice not to be a part of their lives and this is a consequence of that.

She’s 14 she doesn’t have to.

How awesome that your daughter is able to express her true thoughts to you. I would definetly listen to her and follow her wishes. At the end of the day dad has to realize that these are the consequences of HIS actions not anything your daughter has done.

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She’s 14…I say let it be her choice

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He made a choice when they were very young and impressionable and they needed him. Let them make the choice now of wanting to be around him. You might need to rethink why you are pushing that bond with him at this time. Maybe you want to give him another chance but you should not put the kids in the middle of your decision.

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Dont force her to go if she doesnt want to. He chose to walk away and sign all rights away. If you force her to go she may resent you in the end. Leave the door open but dont force her. As well father should not force her to go there either

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I would make her go for a week n give her the option of coming home if she wants

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With all that you’ve said my answer is… no, I wouldn’t be forcing her to go. She was very valet reasons.

I would encourage her to explain this to her father. Let her know that you’ll be right thier by her side ever step of the way.

She’s 14, she’s old enough to make that decision. He made it prior. I was put in the same situation as a young teen. It was not good for me, and ur daughter knows if it’s good for her. She may change her mind as she gets older, she may not (I didn’t). But regardless, it’s up to her.

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It’s important to facilitate the bond in a more formal manner. Try family therapy online so she can tell the therapist how she feels and the therapist can guide dad in adjusting his behavior and understanding how she feels and why.

Nope. Both of you kids are old enough to decide who they want in their life. Especially since he ditched them for that long.

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If she doesn’t want to go please don’t make her

No, it will take time to rebuild that if ever. She is old enough to say no

I would let her choose. She is old enough to know if she’s comfortable there or not. She’s telling you she’s not! Don’t force the issue maybe in her own time she’ll be ready to see her Dad. Until then support her choices.

No I wouldn’t make her go .he signed everything away and had no interest for almost 10 years .let’s see how he likes being " abandoned" by his kids …

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I would not force her at all. I would tell her maybe talk to her dad tell him she’s not interested and how she likes her personal space. Maybe try incouraging her to try n bond but not force. She could talk to him on phone n bond till she’s more comfortable she does not have to go to his home.

No, do not make her go. There’s no point. She is not bonding with them & pushing her to bond with him, will only effect your relationship with her

Let her and her father work it out togather,or u will b blamed…Get her to tell her father she doesn’t want to go with him,Let him deal with it

Respect her wishes .

I wouldn’t force her to go, but I certainly would talk to her about it. She doesn’t want to go, not because he isn’t paying attention to her or abusing her, but because he isn’t doing fun things that she wants to do. I would talk to the father and let him know how she feels, maybe offer some suggestions on things to do that would interest her and have him ask her what she wants to do. It seems like a petty reason to just throw the towel in since he seems like he’s gotten his head out of his ass and is trying.

She has the option do to his own choosing. So many kids are forced at that age to see a parent they don’t want too because they legally have too. She has the choice please let her choose. I’m sure this is a LOT for her to deal with in a short time. If she wants to see him great but if not he needs to understand that’s a boundary and not push it. Again he chose that unfortunately. Good job at raising kids that can express their feelings too you :sparkling_heart:

Let her make her own choice. My twins are about to be 10 and have flat out said they wouldn’t want to meet their sperm donor or his family because they haven’t tried to know them for 7yrs/9yrs already. It’s so sad but I respect their decision. No one has contacted me, it was just hypothetical as a just incase anyone ever tried.

I would say no. Let her grow a bit and maybe she will want to visit. For now, maybe they could continue the phone calls and stuff until she feels more comfortable. She definitely needs to express the things she enjoys and would want to do with him. A connection and bond can’t form if she’s not honest with him. She may have some huge feelings that is hard to deal with at 14 on top of normal teen stuff. I wouldn’t force her or she’ll get upset with you. He signed rights away so he has no say so! I would respect her feelings and wishes. Show her you HEAR her and validate her feelings. Enjoy the time alone with her and allow the other one alone time with her dad.
Best of luck to all of you

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I wouldn’t make her go but maybe talk to her about giving him another chance maybe talk to him about being full on with her, she is old enough to make her own mind up, sometimes they try make up.for lost time far to much without putting your 14 years olds thoughts first

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She will resent you if you make her go. She should be able to choose. It makes her uncomfortable to be around him because she’s probably hurt over him not being there for her. Let the kid choose. Absolutely don’t make her.

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i wouldn’t force her at all. she’s old enough to make that decision and what 14 yr old wants to be smothered by their father ! he should’ve been spending time and bonding from the time you divorced so he didn’t have so much time to make up for.

Hell no don’t make her go!!!

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No she’s old enough to know what she wants and when she’s ready she’ll reach out forcing her is gunna make her mad at u

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At 14 she doesn’t understand adult feelings yet so give her time and space to learn about them, she has plenty of time to make her decision regarding her relationship with her birth father.

Don’t force her. But encourage her to talk to him about it or atleast let you or all 3 of you sit down and talk about it.

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No way would I make her go! She has explained she is uncomfortable there and she is old enough to decide if she wants to go or not

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No. Listen to your child. When she’s uncomfortable, that speaks volumes. I wouldn’t send my child.

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I would never force her

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I believe in most states at the age of 14 the child can decide which parent they want to be with. If he had been a part of the childrens life through all the years then I’d say talk to her and try to make her go. But, he hasn’t so me personally wouldn’t force my child to go.

My own personal experience and this happened in the 90’s my marriage was abusive and I have 3 children one was his step son the other two his. Well he molested our daughter and she told at 4 years old. The boys were also abused physically, verbally, and emotionally, and the doctors and therapist we saw for years and years were also sure sexually. Well I reported her sexual abuse and dfacs stepped in and the police and he was charged with her being molested. My family was cast into the worst pits of hell and the Good ole boy network found him not guilty. He was given supervised rights by his parents and I had to send her and her brother (his two children) over and she reported again and again being abused. I went to dfacs and they and the police couldn’t or would do anything. It was considered double jeopardy. She was reliving the first time along with what was happening then.
The system wouldn’t protect her. So, I did
I went into hiding and went to Oregon.
I was wanted illegally by the FBI and after 18 months I turned myself in and we came back home. I lost my son (his son) to his parents and he and them got visitation back to my daughter . It took me 18 months to get my son back.

Well for years I had to send them both over to his home. At age 14 she chose not to go anymore. Thank God her father didn’t push for her to go. But he was also scared of my new husband he my daughter adored and loved very much and she knew her stepfather had her back.
By no means am I saying your daughter father is abusing her but what I am saying is she shouldn’t be pushed to go. Her father made his choices when she was a baby not to be a part of her life and she is old enough to make her choices now. It takes time to build a relationship and she gets isn’t ready so don’t push her.

Hope this helps you and maybe others going through this kind of thing with their children.

Let her have a great summer at home with her friends and slowly build a relationship with her father.

I really wondering just how a dad signs his rights away in a divorce!?!
I never heard of that before. He is their father. Now as for the mother getting full cust, that I heard of since I also got full custody in my divorce. But their father had a right to see his kids. Now as for this kids in this post. They are old enough to decide whether they want to see him or not . And that is their choice. No one should force them. Even their dad

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Let her make her own decision, especially when he gave up all rights. Make her be the one to tell her dad of her decision.

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I think you should encourage her to build a relationship with her father but ultimately, respect her decision and do not force her to go if she’s uncomfortable with it. It’s hard bc she’s still a child but her options and feelings should be respected. You’re a good mom for debating the options. Talk it out with her. Explain her dad is trying and maybe she should too. It’s not too long and at any point she can come home. But again, I think encouragement is good bc it’s her dad but it’s good to respect and support her decision.

I would encourage her but not force her,this way. No one can come back on you

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I think encouraging to bond with dad but not force her to go sometimes my 14 year old abs 12 year old do not want to go to dads because it’s boring according to them. I ask them what’s so much fun here or what makes it boring I never really force them I just talk to them

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So your trying to force a child to go with a man that threw his hands up and said I’m done…Wow…When he signed his rights away he lost that right as a father…

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He gave up his rights so now he doesn’t have any rights to them… Why make them go?

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Time with biological parents more often than not has a positive life long impact on a child. At 14, I was afraid if I went away, I’d lose my spot in my friends group.

At 14, I think she has a legal right to say who she wants to live with. So I would think that also means that she doesn’t have to visit if she doesn’t want to go. I wouldn’t force her to go. I would tell her dad that she has things that she wants to do with her friends this summer. That he can take her out to eat when he brings the other child back.

I would not make her go.

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He signed away his rights??? I absolutely would not force her and he’s lucky he got a 2nd chance to even be apart of their lives! What a POS.

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Respect her needs an don’t force her to go . If she doesn’t want to have a relationship with said dad . That’s his loss. She’s Smart and I think she is making a good decision.

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It sounds like he’s just trying to make up for lost time and doesn’t realize that he’s “suffocating” her. Have an adult conversation with him about it maybe he honestly just doesn’t realize that he’s doing anything “wrong”

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They’re old enough to decide for themselves, imo. They don’t owe him anything.

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He was away for 9 years now he wants to come back and be dad of the year? He’s realizing he’s missed out and that’s great he wants to be involved now. He needs to start small and work towards a relationship with the kids.

No don’t force her to go, encourage a relationship but don’t force her. He needs to build a foundation for a relationship with the kids. Phone calls and him going to visit her, not her having to go to him.

Maybe family counseling to see how to move forward to co parenting and facilitate healing with kids and dad.

I wouldn’t force it honestly. He signed them off when they were young, and never attempted to contact them until they were much older. I would give them the choice to go or not. If she doesn’t want to go then let her stay home. Her comfort and happiness is more important right now. She’s old enough to decide if she wants to be there or not. It’s admirable that you want them to bond and are allowing it after he’s gave up on them, but at the end of the day, you can’t forget that fact. He doesn’t have any right to demand a relationship with them.

Don’t force it. She can decide on her own if she wants to go.

In most states the child gets to choose after the age of 13.

If there’s a court order follow it. If there isn’t then don’t. And if you don’t follow the court order you can risk losing custody or even jail. But again, if not court order don’t force anything.

I wouldn’t make her go

At 14, my oldest wants absolutely nothing to do with their dad. I won’t force my kids to visit, as it’s detrimental to their mental health and damages our relationship as well. My 11.5 yr old also has no desire to visit. I think it’s fair to urge them to keep a relationship (it’s what im trying to do) but never push them that hard to go somewhere they don’t want to be, especially if there won’t be any guaranteed positive outcome. We have to carefully choose our battles, and consider the big picture.

Don’t force her but let her know if she changes her mind at any time over the summer arrangements can be made for her to go.

I wouldn’t make her go. I would encourage at least to keep in contact. I would be honest with him on why she doesnt want to. Legally he has no say but you sound like a good parent.

I wouldn’t force her to go. At the age of 14 she should have a choice. But with him signing his rights away she shouldn’t have to go anyway. If you force her to go she may have resentment against you for making her do something she doesn’t want to do. She might also miss you and her friends. I know I didn’t have a relationship with my bio dad till I was older and I was always with my mom and didn’t want to leave her side when I was that age. Trust her instinct and what she wants to do. Praying for you and your sweet girl 

Where do you live?
I don’t know any state that allows voluntary termination of parental rights unless there is a new spouse willing to adopt :thinking:
Honestly I think it’s great he’s trying and you all have been handling it well
If my daughter’s only complaint is that he’s trying to bond and do things with her personally I’d probably make her go

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He missed so much, she’s not as comfortable with him. Don’t make her go.

If she doesn’t want to go, I wouldn’t make her. He made his decisions, now she can make hers :woman_shrugging:

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No she is old enough to decide! He gave up his rights

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Please dont make her go

Let the kids decide. :woman_shrugging:t2:

She’s old enough to decide

Forcing her to be there won’t help their bond at all… its ok if she wants to stay home. She’s old enough to decide for herself

You’ll only do more damage to their relationship if you force it. Unfortunately it is her decision. He made the decision to walk out a decade ago… and this is a consequence of that.

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She is 14 she can make that Decision and if she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t want to go. That’s dads fault not hers. Maybe one day when she chooses they can have a relationship or maybe she chooses to never. It’s her life!

No way. I would not make my children go in this instance. Had he been part of her life all along, maybe. But I’m the situation you mentioned, no way. I would require her to be respectful and maybe go to dinner with him when he comes to town.

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As someone who lost my dad young I’m torn on this… I would tell her to be honest with her dad 1st about how she feels about the things he’s doing, and maybe do a trial run for a few days first to see how it goes… if her dad respects her wishes on how she feels then hopefully they can build on their relationship and if not then atleast you both tried.

I wouldn’t make her go. Would you want to spend that much time with someone you don’t want to? Think about it from her perspective, he has been absent for most of her life, she isn’t comfortable being around him and he is 4 hours away.

She is of the age she should make the choice, and if he had grown so much he should respect her choice. Never make her go as that will push her away from you for forcing her to go. He made choices in the past that probably effected her more than it is realized. She may come around to wanting to see him then again she may not.

At this point; I would not make her.

I do not agree with forcing her to go. It’s only going to draw a crooked line between her and her father. If she wants to spend time with him she needs to be able to do it on her time and in her own way.

It’s up to her and frankly, he is reaping what he sowed. He decided 10 years ago that he had no interest in them. Divorcing your spouse is fine, divorcing your kids is not even a little fine. He is the adult. He chose to not be a part of their lives when the probably felt his absence the most. He didn’t create the “bond” when they were young because they were too much effort. Now that they are self sufficient, he wants to “bond” and your oldest is not interested, because it’s too much effort and she doesn’t feel he earned her efforts. She may change her mind one day but should not be forced to put in the effort he never did. If you force her, she will resent you. He got to make that choice…now she gets to and if he is looking to blame someone…he should be taking a look in the big magic mirror.

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Honestly, tell her both. Encourage her to go and explore building that relationship but ultimately respect that it is her choice and accept what she chooses. At 14 I don’t think you can force her, just encourage and advise.

I’d have a discussion with him about what your daughter said about visiting him. Then I’d have a discussion with your daughter and have her practice with you how to express herself, say no politely, and set boundaries.

Maybe set a topic to broach for this visit (sports, or a passion like what kind of music she likes or how much she likes theater or volunteering and why. Dad can tell her about his similar experience. Then have dad stick to that only instead of everything at once. If he asks something else, have her say, “That’s for another visit,” every time. Next visit another topic, like how each feels about religion, for example. Also set a time limit for these interrogations, like an hour of talking per day, max.

I’d encourage her to see her dad occasionally (like once a month), but set boundaries. She can also tell him in advance the sorts of things SHE wants to do during the visit to avoid going along to get along. Compromise once in a while isOK, but she should speak up and let him know how she wants to spend her time with him.

I wouldn’t make her go. This is something that he should’ve thought about when he decided that he no longer wanted to be a family. He signed his rights away and just popped up a year ago wanting to get to know them. He’s not really entitled to any sort of visitation, so it should be up to the children at this point.

On the flip side, growing up, I felt like an afterthought when it came to my own father. Although I did sleepover his house weekly, I never felt like he was happy to see me. It was very much just the routine. When I reached a certain age, the sleepovers just stopped. Literally. I’d be expecting to go, but didn’t. So as an adult, I decided that I was going to put forth the same amount of effort that I felt he did. Which was pretty much none. Unfortunately he passed away a couple of years ago and I quickly realized that the only people who were hurt, were my kids and myself. So, although I don’t think you should make her go, I do think you should strongly encourage her to talk to him. Hopefully they’ll come to an understanding and can mend their relationship from there.

I would chat with him about how she’s feeling, but I def would have her go. If he is still acting that way when she goes then pick her up. Some fathers just need to be told or advised bc that stuff doesn’t come easily to them.

IF he signed away all of his rights, she has no obligation to go or even acknowledge him as a father. He should have thought about that years ago. So he’s got a new flame and all of a sudden wants to act like Father of the year? Yeah that would be hard pass. Your daugther has every right to deny his existence since he denied hers.

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Unless it’s a court order and you have to by law… don’t force her. It’s wrong on so many levels. First, just because he’s finally ready to be present in her life doesn’t negate the fact that he hasn’t bothered since she was really young. So that’s on him.
If you’ve given them all opportunity to have a relationship, not hindering it in anyway and she’s just not interested aside from feelings of obligation, she shouldn’t be forced to do it. Maybe she’ll change her mind as she gets older, but allow her the space to make that decision on her own. Sounds to me you’ve done an amazing job, considering the circumstances. Just keep doing what you’re doing

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If they want to then let them. If not don’t press the issue

If you can I would let him know to back off a little and take it slow. I wouldn’t make her go.if she doesn’t want to!