Should I get my mom a gift for Mother's Day even if we are not close?

Backstory: I’ve never been close with my mother. Even as the oldest, it’s obvious I’m not her favorite. I struggle with infertility, so for the longest time I thought it was because I hadn’t/ couldn’t give her a grandchild…Well, I now have a beautiful 4 year old daughter… but nothing has changed, in fact I feel as if things have gotten worse. She never calls or messages. She doesn’t check on me or my daughter. If not for social media, she would know nothing about our lives. My brother literally lives across the street from us. She has visited him multiple times & not even told she was in town (she does live 2 hours away). Her & my husband don’t get along, but am I wrong for wanting a message saying “Hey, I’m here if you want to come over” should I get her a gift or a card for Mother’s Day because she IS my mother & my daughters grandmother??

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I get my mom a gift for Mother's Day even if we are not close?

Get her a card and flowers if.she doesn’t come by they you.got.some. nice flowers

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Hugs. Yes. Maybe invite her over.

I stopped reading at the point where she is right across the street and doesn’t even tell you. Like :astonished:. I am sorry your mom is like that. I feel the pain on that one.

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I would just ask her what her problem is…at least then you’ll know if it’s something fixable or if you should give up. Some people you just have to love from a distance.

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Send her a card or even call . When one day she is gone you will be glad you did

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Reach out ONCE more. What have you to lose? You may NEVER get the chance again. Maybe seeing her grandaughter will change her feelings. The BEST to you. :gift_heart::rose:

Save yourself the disappointment

I say you do what you feel is right in your heart. Even if you don’t get the response you want you did what you felt was right.

Nope , not at all. And Double Nope. Apparently she has no respect for you. Your Brother should tell her too. Try writing a letter to let he know how you feel.

She’s your mother.
Exodus 21:12
Honor your father and mother.

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My mom sucks so she doesn’t get anything

Be the bigger person drop a card in the mail

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What have you done for the past 4 years since you mentioned you have a 4 year old? No one can make this decision but you.

What have you done for Mother’s Day all the other years ?

No. She doesn’t bother with you, why should you bother with her? She isn’t entitled to a damn thing from you. Being biologically related to someone doesn’t mean a damn thing. If that someone repeatedly shows you they don’t care, believe them. You’ve got a little girl to think of now, don’t let your mum in and give her chance to eff with your daughter’s head.

Maybe your brother could tell you when she is coming and you could drop over.

Poor you get over yourself

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I would. Only because she IS your mom. Your heart is better than that or else you wouldn’t have posted on here. :heart:

She is your mother. Just a short kind message. Be the better person

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Be the bigger person and send her a card. Regardless of her conduct she’s still your mother.

No. Yes she’s your mother but no. Giving her a piece of card will not change behaviour like that. Save yourself the heartache and give yourself mental space to process. She doesn’t deserve you or your daughter. You don’t always have to be the bigger person to toxic people.

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Yeah if that was my situation I wouldn’t but to each their own

I wouldn’t. It sucks, not being as close to your mom as you thought you’d be. Hugs :heart:

Do what you feel is best for you and your daughter.

Give it a try but if nothing changes then let it go. She’s not worth u & yr little girls love. Trust me. U will b happier in the long run.

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She’s you mother. Send a card

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She still gave you life. :heart: You may not be able to next year.

Yes if she doesn’t respond then you can say you tried and its on her but maybe let her know you want a relationship. I just feel like there is more to this. Life is too short not to at least try.

Sounds like she’s low-key jealous of you and or she doesn’t like your husband.

Noone can answer this question but you!! I feel the whole being not the favorite child. But I would reach out to her like you said if you want to come over I’m always home just so you can say “yes I told her she was welcome” and what she does from there is her choice!! You can suggest taking her out to eat or shopping so she doesn’t have to be around your husband. If that was me and I didn’t like my child’s spouse I’d deal with it bc I’m seeing my child not them per say! Hope it works out for you! :revolving_hearts:

I would just tell her happy Mother’s Day. Also if you don’t want her to only get her info from Facebook you can change her access on your account. Like still be friends with her but don’t allow her to see your posts.

If you’re wanting a relationship with her, then get her a card or a gift…but also do what you can to initiate that relationship other days of the year. If you don’t care, then don’t bother.

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U know the old saying kill them with kindness, she is your mother YES get her a gift and a card always time to change, but one never knows. doesn’t have to be a lot the thought (to me anyway) is the love and have upir daughter hand it to her, man I would melt

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Nope no gift for her.

Nope. Don’t bother obviously she doesn’t care about your feelings or your family I’d say cut her off for good and be done. Had to do that with mine

You only have one Mom. A lot of people have lost their Mom and would love to have one more day with them.

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Have you reached out as well ? It is a two way street and if you haven’t tried and I’m talking full effort then it falls on both of you all. If you have and she hasn’t then walk away.

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If it were me I’d cut my losses and move on. My dad hasn’t spoken to me in about 13 years. I tried a couple times. Now it’s just whatever

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Yes, my mom had a crappy mother who favored 2 out her 5 kids and was crappy to my mom and she still made sure my grandma got a gift or card for mother’s day, birthday, Christmas because she still loved her mom even though she was a terrible mother.

I would send the most generic card I could find.

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So for the longest time my mother and I did not have a relationship and I held on to my childhood anger, because she always loved my brother more than me and showed it. Shit my mom sent me and my 2 children to a homeless shelter and took my kidless older brother with her when she moved, I took it upon myself to make it better and when she got sick I was there every appointment every treatment, surgery, medication and I was there when she passed. You know what I think about now? All the years I held onto after becoming an adult just to be angry. Now i will say I know there are some extremely horrible parents and not every relationship is fixable but you should try. Also do not allow what her and your husband have going on affect your relationship

Of you have tried. And she still is this way! Then it is her loss. .love your life with our her doesn’t mean your not there for her BUt the sooner you let it go the stress on your life will lift and you and your daughter and husband can live a happier life. I know I had too do it

If you don’t want to give a gift then don’t. Maybe mail her a card if you want to. She’s shown you the relationship she wants with you and your family, believe her.

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I’d send a card. What would it hurt. It may just open up the door that needs to be opened. But that decision is yours to make.

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I would get her a card anyway, she is your mother and who knows, perhaps it might bring you two closer?

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I’m not giving my mom anything. She lives 5 min drive from me and maybe sees me and her grandson twice a year his bday and Xmas and that’s only for 15 min. I’m her only daughter I’ve tried many times.

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I wouldn’t get her nothing

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I would tell her happy mothers day on Facebook. She gets all the details of your life there anyway. I don’t waste energy on people would don’t want to be part of my life. I don’t care who they are. You can love someone from a distance

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I’m guessing she likes your brothers wife that’s why she visits them and not you and your husband??? In the very least she should call and ask you to cross the street to see you and your daughter. SMDH! I would send her a card but one that just says Happy Mother’s Day (nothing loving nor mushy) and sign it your forgotten daughter. Hope you enjoy your day with your daughter!!!

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Call her‼️ She is your Mother. You only have one Mother. I would try to patch things up and one day you will be glad you did…

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Gifts are given because you WANT to, not because you’re obligated. Soooo……

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It’s my personal policy to treat someone how you’d like them to treat you first. It trains or encourages them to set this tone for the relationship.

Try building with her. If she doesn’t reciprocate, you’ll know you’ve done all you could and it doesn’t fall on you.

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I would call not text or send a card. You never know what door could open just her knowing you cared enough for an actual call. We only get one mother. Do your best to connect with her… could just be a simple misunderstanding. I pray for the best. My mom is in Heaven. I’d give anything to call her on Sunday. I wish you the best. :heart:. At least you’d know you tried.

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Yes. Two wrongs don’t make it right. Let her know that you appreciate her giving you life. For raising you and that no matter how she feels you love her. You do love her. It may not be a mushy gushy mommy kind of love. But, the love is there. I would also make a move to try to talk to her how you feel. Maybe she think You are the one who doesn’t care because You never call or write. Be the better person and show her you love her. Pray also about guidance and direction for both of you. Trust me it will help. God bless y’all and I hope you two can mend whatever became broken. :pray:

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I’m using my dad who said he loved me so much. The older I got he couldn’t control me, i wasnt bad he just wanted me to be w/e. Well he wasn’t around to do so. It was I who always made the calls the visits etc. One year I had no $ for a card so my gma gave me one his comment I guess her gma made her. When I had children he snuck to hospital to see them lol. Never got them for a visit so at that point I stopped trying
Hes the parent. He lived 30mins from me. I almost died ins gives him part of my money he didn’t do anything. I love him I want him saved before he dies I pray everyday yes I’m a Christian but still human not perfect till I’m in heaven. So I would say No but that’s just my opinion

2 wrongs don’t make a right get h
her a gift and be the bigger person

You are not obligated to give her anything. A gift is given because YOU want to give it. Not because a day says you should. Enjoy YOUR mother’s day with your beautiful baby :hugs: and let her worry about herself. Huge Hugs

She is your mother, send her a card or call her. Two wrongs dont make a right. Happy Mother’s🌹

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Yeah you should get her a card,because it is on your heart to. I sense there’s a lot more going on,but I also sense you love your mom. You be the bigger person.hopefully you all can repair your relationship while you both are on this side of heaven. Like the Judds song says, " love can build a bridge".

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I think if you’re considering it you should because that means deep down you want to and the worry that she won’t be grateful or things will remain the same is what’s holding you back

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No. She makes no effort to be a mum. I have nothing to do with mine. She was very similar and also had a lot of issues going on that made her unsafe and unpredictable to be around. I’ve been no contact for 6 years and my kids are better for it.

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I will never understand how a mother can treat her child that way! You can’t force someone to love you, no matter who it is! Just stay close to your own daughter and show her how much you love her always!!

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I probably would not give anything to her. There are Moms out there who’ve lost their children and would appreciate you and your child being involved in their lives. Just an idea. Happy Mother’s Day to you and all you Moms out there.

It sounds like you still want to have a relationship with your mom. If giving her a gift feels good to you than do it. You don’t have to hold back just because your relationship with her isn’t good. You never know what could happen in the future.

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If mom wanted to be there she would. I’d leave her cut off and celebrate you being a good mom to a beautiful daughter.

No your best to forget her and forge a happy life for your family. They are your most important thing now. Always look ahead and try to forget the hurt of the past or it will eat you up. I missed my grandsons birth last night because I live three hours away yet my exit sister in law and my daughters mother in law where both present fr the three days her labour went on for, its heart breaking but I have to move forward or it will destroy me again. Some people don’t get the right to be call your mother when they can’t treat you right, my mother especially but my life is so peaceful without her in it. We can’t choose our parents but we certainly can choose whom we have in our lives. There are plenty of elderly people whom would jump at the chance to be a grandparent figure in your daughters life.

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its your mother & when she gone shes gone no bringing her back my mother been gone fo 30yrs & i miss her to this day

If you are questioning it, do it!!! In your heart you are feeling something about it. You never know when you’ll lose someone, you’ll feel good for doing it, no matter her response :heart:

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I think you should enjoy you’re mothers day and not stress over someone thats not stressing over you… just enjoy your day

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I’d get her a card. Mostly because it’s still kinda bitchy either way. Getting her a card or whatever makes her look like a shit mother. Not getting her a card makes you look like a shit daughter. So, do the thing. Get the present and be a good daughter.

Your not obligated to celebrate a mother that’s not being your mother. Birth canal & mother are two very different things. If you put in an effort & she does nothing then you don’t owe her a thing. Your a mom now & as long as your being a good mom, let that day be yours. I’m all for Mother’s Day but just because someone has a kid doesn’t make them a mom or dad. Toxic is toxic & it doesn’t sound like she puts any positivity into your life or your child’s. Don’t bother. I don’t know why people think you should go out of your way to say thank you & I love you when the person obviously doesn’t care- a title doesn’t mKe you a parent.

If having a better relationship with your mom is what you want, maybe you need to put the effort in. If it’s not reciprocated, sometimes the best thing you can do is just accept what is and isn’t, and move on. In other words, maybe she just doesn’t know what to do so she just does nothing. Being the oldest daughter you likely saw your momma at her worst in a way your other siblings didn’t, so she feels safe in that with them. Could be guilt holding her back, or it could be her own selfish reasons…who knows. My point, your mom is your mom…treat her the way you would have liked her to have treated you. Maybe she needs grace or maybe she needs a wakeup call. It’s up to you to decide which.
Buy her a Mother’s Day Card and a plant or something and be done. Let it be an olive branch

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Nope that’s not how true mama’s treat their child and grandchild :woman_shrugging: my mom is the best and is always their for her 10 grandchildren no matter what! but it’s up to you on what you want to do

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How often do you call her or visit her ? You should call her on a regular.

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I would send her a card.

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Send her a card and let it go!

Yes but be very careful of the wording. Nothing gushy or sentimental. I did this for over 40 years. For a gift get her a gift card for $25-50 depending on what you can afford. Or, get her something she asks for. Keep it simple. You should also get her a card from your daughter and a small gift ($5-20).

So mom and I always had issues. She passed away last fall. Recently I found some of her Christmas ornaments (she had an amazing collection, most of which I haven’t found, probably gave them to someone else). One was 3 small bells strung together with a ribbon with her name, my dad’s name and my son’s name, one on each bell. I apparently was not part of the family. This is very typical of my mom and she would have a perfectly reasonable explanation why I wasn’t included.

So yes do your part, keep it simple, expect nothing in return.

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Yes after all she is your mother and hoping she Would be happy you did that life is short tomorrow not promised :slight_smile:

If you can live not giving her anything so be it. But if you want to get her something then do it .I think it’s what you can live with. If not for her you wouldn’t be here.up to you.

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I’m not. When I was speaking to my mother she never ever asked about my life. Never has she ever asked my daughters who are now in college. She sucks the energy out of every conversation. She only talks about herself and spins out repeating herself hyper focused on her own life. She gossips about me to my siblings if she doesn’t like what I’ve said or done. I don’t have the time or energy to give of myself to someone that isn’t capable of caring for me.

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I would definitely get her something they say kill then with kindness or something like that

Try communicating with her, face time, not phone calls or social media. There might be a reason for her issue.

Im divided because sometimes i miss my mom even though she was abusive- like not i didnt like my mom but like the state took me away anyway she died when i was 14. I had a really hard time not getting closure. Now im 29 and two young kids of my own and you dont owe her anything. Yes she gave you life but if you’ve always felt like she loved your sibling more than you are probably right and she’s showing you the same now.

If you’d like send her a card have your daughter color on it a bit or something small but its ok to not praise or spoil a woman who doesnt act like a mother- like really she visits a-crossed the street but cant stop by just unreal.

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Im not close to my mom too. I got used to not being invited, or being acknowledge since in my teen years…but I’d just send flowers and a card.

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You’re not obligated to do anything. Only thing I’ll be doing is messaging her on messenger, “Happy mothers day”.

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Send her a Mother’s Day card, but I wouldn’t break my neck to go see her or spend time with her. My adoptive mother was toxic and I tried to do the right thing and pursue a relationship with her. But the more I tried, the more I got my nose pushed in. I found my bio mom, mostly to see if she would treat me any better. She did. She treated me and my kids great! My adoptive mother got even more hostile after I found my bio mom, saying I betrayed her and I was an ungrateful little b——-. She never really liked kids and I think she was jealous of my relationship with my Dad, we were tight from day one. They got me when I was 8 hours old. I adored Dad. But all she could do was find fault with me. I tried to keep a relationship with her even after he died, out of respect for him. After all, he must have loved her to have stayed with her. But she never changed. She eventually disowned me in favor of a step-sister. My bio mother is gone now also. I’m 65 and the hurt is still there. I’m trying to let it go because it’s stupid to hold on to it. But my mental illnesses make it hard to let it go. But I’m trying. If she was alive, I would still send a Mothers Day card. Out of respect for my Dad. Go ahead and send the card. You’ll feel better.

Do you reach out to her? Is she welcome in your home? Your husband can disappear for a short time. Send her a card she is your mom.

You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her… Get a gift or offer to spend time with her

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I would come out and ask her why

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She’s still your Mother and y’all were very close for nine months!

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No I hate the obligation of gifts regardless of relationship status. Shoot her a text if you feel the need. Someone’s actions aren’t excused simply because they birthed you.

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Getting her something makes you a better person.

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i would mail her a card.

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No :woman_shrugging:t2: mother’s Day is for mothers. If you were absent you are not person to celebrate to me. If anything a generic card and say happy Mother’s Day and sign it

Probably so. Don’t you fall to lower your standards to hers. If she should die, you don’t want to feel you didn’t try. This puts the ball in her court. Does your brother mention anything about her or her visits?

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Obviously you want to because you’re asking, just do it for your piece of mind. You control your own happiness.

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Nope , I’m not sending nothing . No no no , keep it moving forward with out her . Celebrate you being a mother

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If you need to ask , Then forget it she carried you 9 months and raised you. She deserves a card…

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